[Critique Me] Pushkin stanzas on the brain

[aliothsan]

Poem, currently untitled. If you can think of something better than "Ode to the Tunnels", leave it in the comments and I'll give you a cookie. Footnotes for people not familiar with MIT.

Comments

[timprov]

"1.075 Smoots Under"?

I like it in general, and especially:
It doesn't seem like I'm allowed here,
Although that row of snack machines
Legitimizes being down here,

The one bit of critique I have is that there are a lot of "be" and "go"/go-ish verbs, and at least some of them could be spots to jam some more specific action in.

[aliothsan]

Thanks! Interesting that you like those lines in particular. They were the first ones I wrote of this poem, though they got shuffled to the end. But what inspired it was quite a fun moment :D

I sort of see what you mean in re: "be" and "go"...can you point to a specific example where a fix would work well?

[timprov]

The go-ish spot that sticks out most to me is:
I headed east, then south, to find
A quite warm hallway, steam-pipe-lined

Seems like there could be something with more kick than "headed" there, to bookend the phrase with "steam-pipe-lined," which is great. (I'm not sure how I feel about "quite warm." Often I would want to replace that with something like "toasty" or, going desperately poetic, "mezcal." But I think it actually works pretty well there.)

[aliothsan]

Ooh, "toasty". That's perfect. /me likes.

[lightflake]

For titles, you can always take a line or phrase from the poem that strikes you. It doesn't have to specify what it's about, after all...

There are several points where it seems as though you've really had to strain to make something fit into the rhyme scheme. I'd also seriously cut the verbiage--at certain points ("attractions" all the way through "Tomb," for instance), you're spending most of a stanza on what could be compressed into a single line without adding anything striking enough to merit it.

I'd say the original inspiration has served its purpose for getting it onto paper, but has gotten to the point where it's dragging it down.

As for footnotes... if it's meant to be read by just MIT students, I wouldn't worry. If not... yeah, you'd have to seriously redraft.

Everything else I can think of is likely to be cut out with further editing anyways.
***

Anyways, yay for learning to get around via tunnels. Always very fun.

[aliothsan]

*nod* Yeah, the Pushkin stanza is rather difficult, at least for me. I'd argue that I fit it just as well as Hofstadter does, except he was translating, and I was making up my own content.

And I see what you mean about the verbiage -- 's what comes of writing at 2am without much goal other than "musing". Though I will submit this plea in favor of the passage you cited: the bit about hacking was something I was really aiming for all along, and then when I got to it, I realized I couldn't put any of the cool stuff in, for the sake of privacy and discreetness. Yes, it's no excuse. But the hacking is important. And if I ever present this poem to an audience of hackers (unlikely), I will revise it to put in more specific hacking stuff. If you're curious, ping me privately

[lightflake]

*shrug* Just because it's been done doesn't mean it's good. Although translation=extra points.

As for the "discretion" thing... oh, the things I could write about if I weren't restricted by that. Am curious about particulars, and will catch you on AIM sometime.

LJ=post anything. Me=someone who generally critiques for people who intend to have audiences.

As for internalized culture: dunno, it's something that happens really quickly. Usually doesn't take me more than a week to start speaking a place's jargon. Shorter if I'm surrounded by it constantly.

Also Onegin-like

[anonymous]

Did I give you my copy of "Golden Gate" by Vikram Seth?
- Fred the Fourth

Re: Also Onegin-like

[aliothsan]

No, but I'm sure they have it in the library. Yay big libraries. It's definitely on my reading queue.

[anonymous]

"A Different Quale"?
Cat the First

[aliothsan]

Yepyup. Remember that crazy swamp forest we visited in Cape Cod, and how weird it felt, and how I went all "omg the quale is so different from a normal forest, this is awesome"? That.

And re: "Cat the First" -- *grin*

[saizai]

"Quale". /me giggles

[aliothsan]

*righteous indignation* Well, it's a useful concept!...*twitch*...*giggle*

[saizai]

Oh, I heartily agree! I love qualia.

But cm'on, 'quale' is a silly sounding word. :) (Homophonous to 'quail' or kwa-l3?)

[aliothsan]

(Definitely kwa-le -- quail is ridiculous :D )

`Quale' does look a bit ridiculous, but it doesn't sound it. The real ridiculous words are things like cow, bus, shpadoinkle, and flarp.