Lovers 100 : Acceptance
Title: Acceptance
Summery: In the end, it was all a matter of acceptance.
Prompt: 077. Slut
Pairing: Gillington, Sparrette (Sparrow/Gillette), Gillette/Various
OCs, Grovette, Belle (Beckett/Gillette) but not necessarily in that order.)
Genre: POTC
Rating: R
Author: Rebecca (alienstars2004 / Blueberry Pancakes)
Warnings: Slash
Feedback: Yes, please.
“And’… why didn’t you tell me?”
“I-I couldn’t. Please, James, you have to understand…”
“What is there for me to understand? That you didn’t trust me… or that you didn’t care enough about me to enlighten me on your past?”
“No… no, please, it’s not like that, at all.” Andrew stammered.
“Then what is it? Am I just another in a string of many?” James demanded.
Andrew’s face crumpled.
James clenched his jaw, “Then why, Andrew? Why did you not see fit to tell me about… about… all your… illicit, clandestine relations?”
Pain welled up in Andrew’s dark eyes. He turned and rushed out of the house.
Theodore’s arms brought him little comfort that night, though he tried and the warmth of the strong embrace surrounded him with wordless care and quiet understanding.
“Teddy…” Andrew sniffed again.
“Hush, And’.” Theodore soothed, rubbing his back with his open hand. He felt a fresh start of painful and hurt-filled tears wracking through his friend’s body.
“He hates me.” Andrew sobbed. “He does.”
“He doesn’t hate you.” Theodore murmured.
“He thinks I’m-I’m wicked. That I’m a-a sl-”
“Hush.” Theodore commanded, firmly but gently.
Andrew stopped.
“You’re not, And’… you know that.” Theodore shook his head, continuing to massage small, comforting circles into his curved back.
Andrew sniffed against him, wiping his eyes.
“Here.” Theodore handed him the handkerchief again, wondering why Andrew had handed it back in the first place.
Andrew mumbled his thanks and dabbed at his eyes and cheeks. The reddened trails remained.
“James doesn’t hate you.” Theodore repeated, softly.
“H-how can you be sure?” Andrew jerked, starting to hiccup.
“He loves you.”
Andrew mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like “Not anymore,” and Theodore took his hand, squeezing tightly.
“He does.” Theodore said firmly. “He’s probably just…” He knew he had to choose his words carefully, “It’s a little hard for him to take in, all at once…”
“And it would have been easier to enlighten him bit by bit?” Andrew demanded tearfully, letting out a half-sob, half-choke.
“You know that would have made things worse.” Theodore said grimly. “You did the right thing, And’. You were honest.”
“Fat lot of g-good it did m-me.”
“It’s… a surprise to him. He’ll come ‘round. He loves you, And’, he honestly does… surely you know that?”
“I love him…” Andrew said miserably.
“I know.” Theodore patted the small of his back.
Andrew quieted again, and the silence held them in its grasp for much of the afternoon. He didn’t stir, only the slowly steadying movement of his breathing disturbing the odd stillness. Theodore didn’t move, but held him close.
“What did he say?”
Andrew licked his dry lips slowly, “He… he.” He stopped, growling in frustration. He hated how he couldn’t speak when he was flustered or upset; he never stammered, otherwise. “He claimed I didn’t care enough about him… didn’t trust him… so I never told him, about anyone else, before.”
“Was that all?”
“He asked if he…”
“If he, what?”
“If he was just another, in a sting of many…”
“Oh, And’…” Theodore’s heart went out to his dear friend, “And’, love… I’m sorry.” He hugged him tightly.
“He doesn’t… know, it all. He just knows there’s been… several.”
“How many is several?”
Andrew didn’t answer.
“And’…”
“I didn’t say. I couldn’t. I don’t know what he thinks, but the number can’t be bigger than the actual one. He’s still James, after all.” Andrew’s face turned into a scowl, bitterly, “He probably thinks one other before him was too many.”
“He’s not that intolerable. And he’s certainly not a hypocrite. You’re not his first, either.”
“He’s still a saint compared to me.”
“Don’t say things like that, And’. You know they’re not true.”
“But they are…”
“And’… we’ve been through this, many times, before. You may feel like it’s been so many -too many- but honestly, it’s hasn’t. You are certainly not the wicked being you make yourself out to be. You are far from some common whore…”
Andrew snorted.
“Listen to me, And’. I know you, I know your past…”
“I didn’t have trouble telling you.”
“No… but…”
“There aren’t any buts about it, Teddy. I didn’t want to tell him, I felt like I couldn’t, because I was afraid…”
“Afraid of what?”
“That he’d leave me. That he would find out the truth, and wouldn’t want me, anymore.” Andrew’s eyes watered, “And I was right.”
“I know you’re sensitive about your past. I understand. I know you feel like you’ve made a lot of mistakes. But that’s because you’ve talked with me. You’ve told me about them. And we worked through it, together. James… James doesn’t know, like I do. If he did, then I can’t see him being so upset with you. In truth, I don’t think he’s truly that upset with you, now.”
“He sure acted like it.”
“He was angry at the time. You two were having an argument, you said so yourself. You’ve said things in the heat of the moment, before, we all have.”
“What he said hurt.”
“I know. I know that, And’, and he probably does, too, but he doesn’t know the extent of it. And he won’t, unless you go and talk with him about it.”
Andrew shook his head, “I can’t…”
“You must.”
“I can’t.”
“You can.” Theodore laid his hand on the side of Andrew’s cheek, bringing his gaze to him. He smiled, “You can.” He whispered, pressing their foreheads together.
Andrew closed his eyes.
Theodore kissed his temple lightly, gently. “Do you trust me?” He asked, after a long moment of quiet.
“Of course, Teddy.”
“After all we’ve been through? After our friendship… our attempted relationships?”
“They were more than attempts. We worked… for a time. Twice…”
“And you don’t regret it?”
“Never.”
“See? Not all is bad, though you seem bent on telling yourself it is…”
“But that’s just one, Teddy. That’s you. That’s not…” Andrew trailed off.
“It’s no different than the others. It’s all how you feel about them. Go to James, and tell him. Tell him that he hurt you, deeply, with what he said. Tell him why. Explain to him how you feel about your past.”
Andrew drew in a sharp breath. Theodore could feel the tense resistance against him.
“You trust me. And you know I would never lie to you. I tell you this because I know that you’re very sensitive about the matter, and that you feel like you’ve made a lot of mistakes. James doesn’t know that, and he can’t. How could he, lest by your own words?”
Andrew sighed heavily.
James was a little surprised to see Andrew on his doorstep, later that night. He let him in, and poured them both a cup of tea; Andrew refusing anything stronger, though he felt as though they perhaps both could use it.
Andrew fidgeted nervously with his hands, wringing them in his lap. “We… we need to talk, James.”
James nodded. “I would like to apologize, for what I said earlier today. I shouldn’t have used such words… been so harsh with you.”
Andrew drew his eyes up slowly, to meet James’s steady gaze. His own shook and trembled, as did his body, hands still twitching in his lap.
“E-eight… there’ve been eight, i-including you.”
James nodded again, slowly.
“The first… the first was, a friend of mine. We’d known each other since we were tiny-”
“You don’t have to explain, And’.” James’s voice was soft, and quiet.
Andrew looked at him sadly. “I have to, James. For… me. I have to explain why. I’m… I’m not proud, of it. And there are many things I regret. But you… you should know. About them, and… and why I regret them.”
“Surely you don’t regret them all?” Andrew was startled by the concern in James’s voice.
“N-no.” He stammered.
James gave him a reassuring smile. “Take as long as you need, And’.” He told him. He held the smile, “If you need to think, it’s all right. Have some tea. I know you stutter when you’re upset, or flustered…”
Andrew felt as though he might burst into tears again, then and there. Theodore had been right- James had just been angry. However he felt now, he was rational about it; he was his kind and caring self, again.
James’s emerald eyes widened with concern, which had slowly edged its way in to flood his mind the entire day. “And’… are you all right?” He asked, voice scarcely above a whisper. He feared his words, though he had tried to be soft and gentle, had struck him in his already shaken state.
“Y-yes.” Andrew shook his head no, “N-no. I… I don’t k-know.” He wrapped his arms around himself, rubbing the curve of his shoulders.
James couldn’t help but let the tiniest hint of a smile escape his somber, quiet expression at Andrew’s nature. So typical of him, so sweet. He sometimes forgot how he was, his true nature. He was an entirely different man when he was on duty; snarky, assured, cocky even. But now, he was shy and reserved, struggling for words.
Andrew drew in a deep breath, trying to force himself to calm, but it would not come. “We were young, too young. We didn’t really know what we were doing… but we did. We were friends, we trusted each other.”
When he paused, letting his eyes trace slowly across the lengths and shapes of the room, silhouetted in the fading light of day, James asked quietly:
“How old were you?”
“T-the first time, I’d turned thirteen, the week before.”
James drew in a sharp breath, but caught himself in the middle. He hoped it hadn’t been too audible, that Andrew had heard it, for fear of how he would take it.
“I was too young.”
James nodded, slowly.
“It fell apart, within a few months of us f-first… Neither of us could keep it up.” Andrew sighed, heavily. “I’ve not seen him in years. He could be d-dead, now, for all I know…
“David was… was a midshipman, nearly a lieutenant. A-after Adam, I n-needed reassurance. I-I felt like I was… lost. I j-just w-w-wanted to be a-accepted.” He broke off. He wiped his eyes. “I was stupid, again. He didn’t care for me. Not much, anyway. I was just a way to pass the time… young, innocent, he could snap his fingers and I’d follow him blindly. And he knew it. He was promoted and d-disappeared, without a letter or a word.” His voice was dark, filled with bitterness and disgust.
“And again, I walked blindly into yet another doomed relationship, if you can even call it that. He was much older than me; he should have known better. He did. He lied… told me things… told me he loved me, once. I b-believed him, t-there was no reason why I s-shouldn’t have, then.”
James opened his mouth, but stopped. Reassuring words or comforting touches didn’t have a place, here. Not now.
Andrew chewed his lip. He mumbled a name.
“Sorry?” James heard himself say, leaning forward, ears straining to hear.
“S-S-S… Sp-…” Andrew growled, “Jack.”
“Jack?” James’s brow furrowed.
“Jack… S-Sparrow.”
James coughed.
“I finally have at least some smidgen of an excuse other than my own ignorance and naïve world I somehow managed to stay in for so long.” Andrew spat darkly. “I’d had a few drinks… I don’t even remember what of, but it was strong. I didn’t d-drink much, then. I was o-only fourteen.”
“You don’t, now.”
“He was there… I asked him to help me to bed. He was going to leave… he wasn’t going to… but I stopped him. I was so… hurt… so confused, still, after… him. It-it was only once. I ran away when I woke up, the next morning. He told me I didn’t have to… he wasn’t going to hurt me… or rob me… but I ran, anyway.”
James’s mind fluttered to the faithful day and his encounter on the Dauntless.
“Yes… imagine the wonderful shocking surprise I saw when he and Turner boarded the Dauntless. I-I think he recognized me. He didn’t seem to w-want to point the p-pistol, a-at m-m-me.”
Again, James forced himself to hold his hand back.
“After he’d loaded the men into the boat… he made sure I was last… when Turner wasn’t looking… He… touched my shoulder. Laid his hand there, for a moment… It was only once, years before… but he remembered.” Andrew closed his eyes.
“I was barely fifteen, when I thought I was in love. I think I was, even now… It was just before I’d met you, and Teddy. I told him, that I loved him… he was kind to me, for a while. He was older, too. Already a lieutenant. I knew I wasn’t ready… wasn’t ready to be physical with him… But I let it happen, anyway. That’s what you do, when you in love, after all. I’d never known anything else.
“But then he was due to be promoted, to captain, things changed. He broke it off, told me it was a m-mistake, from the beginning, that none of it ever should have happened. I was too young, for him, for anyone, to be in a relationship like that. He went off and was married within two months. I almost didn’t join the Navy. But… there was n-nothing left for me, at home, so I did.
“I was heartbroken when he left me. I loved him, I honestly did. It may have been stupid, and naïve love, but it was. I-it was. And then… then I met you, and Teddy…” A small, almost sleepy smile touched his lips like a low whisper. “I was instantly head over heals for Teddy. I think he knew it, but he wouldn’t let anything come of it. Not for a while.”
James broke his long silence. “I suspected you two might have been lovers. I knew how close of friends you were. You still are.”
Andrew nodded. He smiled, “He was everything I’d never had, before, in a relationship. He was there… and kind, and he loved me, honestly. I wasn’t a way to pass the time, or some conquest for the hell of it. I loved him… I still do. But we weren’t meant to be. Not like that. We both knew it, though we tried against it. I-I think that’s why, we’re still friends.”
“I’m glad it could be that way. I would have hated to have seen you loose each other.” James said softly, not even realizing what he had said until it was uttered.
“He’s always been there, for me. You have, too, but… Teddy was… different. He knows, my past. He helped me, though, a lot of it. He still does.”
James smiled, “I’m glad.”
Andrew’s hand slowly clenched into a fist, his eyes turning a deeper shade of brown, growing nearly black. “I know you’re intelligent. There’s still one other, other than you…”
“You needn’t rush, if you want to stop, now, it’s all right.”
Andrew shook his head, “No. I-I have to finished. Else I won’t… be able to.”
“All right…”
Andrew closed his eyes, “It was Beckett.” He said, bitterly. “He lied. He used me, though I didn’t truly have anything to give him, and I think he figured it out early on, but kept me around, bending me as he pleased. I never… really wanted… to… he just… I could, or I could find myself on the streets, with nothing, and a price on my head. But then that little bastard got what he deserved.”
“That was several years ago, now… I didn’t come to you until over a year ago.”
Andrew shrank slightly, “I wasn’t… alone… during the gap.”
James’s brow furrowed, “But… you said… eight… including me…?”
“It was Teddy.”
“O-oh.”
“We both knew it wasn’t right, that we had tired it before, and we hadn’t worked, but we were both in shambles. We needed each other. There were… no strings… I suppose. We knew we loved each other, deeply, though romantically… that was long ago. We put and end to it not more than eight months before you told me how you felt.”
“Is that why… you were reluctant… to me?”
“No.” Andrew shook his head.
“Because you’ve been hurt, so many times before…”
“Yes. Well… mostly, yes. Of them all, there has been only one my age, Adam, my first, and then… Teddy was the only one younger. And he’s only seven months behind me. All the others were… much older. They were all men, and I was just a boy.”
James felt his heart sink through the wooden floorboards, past the stone foundations of the house.
“It seems I’m drawn to it… to those older than me. But it’s never worked, and I’ve always ended up so hurt. I knew, somehow, that you wouldn’t do something like they’d done to me, but… you’re still older than I am. Even though not as much as… they were.”
James nodded, but remained quiet. “Theo told me… he told me to tell you.” He whispered.
“He knew?” Andrew breathed.
“He said he knew I’d loved you for a long time, he’d seen it. But he also knew you were always… unavailable. I didn’t know what he meant, exactly, until now.”
Andrew flushed.
“But he told me… it must have been three months after you had ended it. He told me to tell you the truth.”
“Where did the other five months go?”
“I was working up my nerve.”
Andrew blinked slowly, owlishly.
It was James’s turn to flush, slightly, “I admit, it was rather… slow, in the upcoming. But it took so much, so much effort, to put my heart out like that, again, after…”
“I know.” Andrew said, “Believe me, James. I know.”
James nodded.
“Do you still think me wicked?”
“Wicked? No, of course not.” James shook his head fiercely, “I never thought that of you…”
“When you found out that there were ‘several’ others, before you… how many did you think?”
“What? Oh, I… It doesn’t matter.”
“How many?”
“Honestly, And’…”
“Please.”
James closed his mouth, holding back his opposition. “Three… four maybe.”
Andrew clenched the armrests of his chair.
“But it doesn’t matter. Believe me, And’, it doesn’t. It was just a random number… It means nothing to me.”
“There’s more to that statement.”
James didn’t answer for a moment; “It means nothing… so long…” He looked him in the eye, “So long as I’m the last.”
Summery: In the end, it was all a matter of acceptance.
Prompt: 077. Slut
Pairing: Gillington, Sparrette (Sparrow/Gillette), Gillette/Various
OCs, Grovette, Belle (Beckett/Gillette) but not necessarily in that order.)
Genre: POTC
Rating: R
Author: Rebecca (alienstars2004 / Blueberry Pancakes)
Warnings: Slash
Feedback: Yes, please.
“And’… why didn’t you tell me?”
“I-I couldn’t. Please, James, you have to understand…”
“What is there for me to understand? That you didn’t trust me… or that you didn’t care enough about me to enlighten me on your past?”
“No… no, please, it’s not like that, at all.” Andrew stammered.
“Then what is it? Am I just another in a string of many?” James demanded.
Andrew’s face crumpled.
James clenched his jaw, “Then why, Andrew? Why did you not see fit to tell me about… about… all your… illicit, clandestine relations?”
Pain welled up in Andrew’s dark eyes. He turned and rushed out of the house.
Theodore’s arms brought him little comfort that night, though he tried and the warmth of the strong embrace surrounded him with wordless care and quiet understanding.
“Teddy…” Andrew sniffed again.
“Hush, And’.” Theodore soothed, rubbing his back with his open hand. He felt a fresh start of painful and hurt-filled tears wracking through his friend’s body.
“He hates me.” Andrew sobbed. “He does.”
“He doesn’t hate you.” Theodore murmured.
“He thinks I’m-I’m wicked. That I’m a-a sl-”
“Hush.” Theodore commanded, firmly but gently.
Andrew stopped.
“You’re not, And’… you know that.” Theodore shook his head, continuing to massage small, comforting circles into his curved back.
Andrew sniffed against him, wiping his eyes.
“Here.” Theodore handed him the handkerchief again, wondering why Andrew had handed it back in the first place.
Andrew mumbled his thanks and dabbed at his eyes and cheeks. The reddened trails remained.
“James doesn’t hate you.” Theodore repeated, softly.
“H-how can you be sure?” Andrew jerked, starting to hiccup.
“He loves you.”
Andrew mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like “Not anymore,” and Theodore took his hand, squeezing tightly.
“He does.” Theodore said firmly. “He’s probably just…” He knew he had to choose his words carefully, “It’s a little hard for him to take in, all at once…”
“And it would have been easier to enlighten him bit by bit?” Andrew demanded tearfully, letting out a half-sob, half-choke.
“You know that would have made things worse.” Theodore said grimly. “You did the right thing, And’. You were honest.”
“Fat lot of g-good it did m-me.”
“It’s… a surprise to him. He’ll come ‘round. He loves you, And’, he honestly does… surely you know that?”
“I love him…” Andrew said miserably.
“I know.” Theodore patted the small of his back.
Andrew quieted again, and the silence held them in its grasp for much of the afternoon. He didn’t stir, only the slowly steadying movement of his breathing disturbing the odd stillness. Theodore didn’t move, but held him close.
“What did he say?”
Andrew licked his dry lips slowly, “He… he.” He stopped, growling in frustration. He hated how he couldn’t speak when he was flustered or upset; he never stammered, otherwise. “He claimed I didn’t care enough about him… didn’t trust him… so I never told him, about anyone else, before.”
“Was that all?”
“He asked if he…”
“If he, what?”
“If he was just another, in a sting of many…”
“Oh, And’…” Theodore’s heart went out to his dear friend, “And’, love… I’m sorry.” He hugged him tightly.
“He doesn’t… know, it all. He just knows there’s been… several.”
“How many is several?”
Andrew didn’t answer.
“And’…”
“I didn’t say. I couldn’t. I don’t know what he thinks, but the number can’t be bigger than the actual one. He’s still James, after all.” Andrew’s face turned into a scowl, bitterly, “He probably thinks one other before him was too many.”
“He’s not that intolerable. And he’s certainly not a hypocrite. You’re not his first, either.”
“He’s still a saint compared to me.”
“Don’t say things like that, And’. You know they’re not true.”
“But they are…”
“And’… we’ve been through this, many times, before. You may feel like it’s been so many -too many- but honestly, it’s hasn’t. You are certainly not the wicked being you make yourself out to be. You are far from some common whore…”
Andrew snorted.
“Listen to me, And’. I know you, I know your past…”
“I didn’t have trouble telling you.”
“No… but…”
“There aren’t any buts about it, Teddy. I didn’t want to tell him, I felt like I couldn’t, because I was afraid…”
“Afraid of what?”
“That he’d leave me. That he would find out the truth, and wouldn’t want me, anymore.” Andrew’s eyes watered, “And I was right.”
“I know you’re sensitive about your past. I understand. I know you feel like you’ve made a lot of mistakes. But that’s because you’ve talked with me. You’ve told me about them. And we worked through it, together. James… James doesn’t know, like I do. If he did, then I can’t see him being so upset with you. In truth, I don’t think he’s truly that upset with you, now.”
“He sure acted like it.”
“He was angry at the time. You two were having an argument, you said so yourself. You’ve said things in the heat of the moment, before, we all have.”
“What he said hurt.”
“I know. I know that, And’, and he probably does, too, but he doesn’t know the extent of it. And he won’t, unless you go and talk with him about it.”
Andrew shook his head, “I can’t…”
“You must.”
“I can’t.”
“You can.” Theodore laid his hand on the side of Andrew’s cheek, bringing his gaze to him. He smiled, “You can.” He whispered, pressing their foreheads together.
Andrew closed his eyes.
Theodore kissed his temple lightly, gently. “Do you trust me?” He asked, after a long moment of quiet.
“Of course, Teddy.”
“After all we’ve been through? After our friendship… our attempted relationships?”
“They were more than attempts. We worked… for a time. Twice…”
“And you don’t regret it?”
“Never.”
“See? Not all is bad, though you seem bent on telling yourself it is…”
“But that’s just one, Teddy. That’s you. That’s not…” Andrew trailed off.
“It’s no different than the others. It’s all how you feel about them. Go to James, and tell him. Tell him that he hurt you, deeply, with what he said. Tell him why. Explain to him how you feel about your past.”
Andrew drew in a sharp breath. Theodore could feel the tense resistance against him.
“You trust me. And you know I would never lie to you. I tell you this because I know that you’re very sensitive about the matter, and that you feel like you’ve made a lot of mistakes. James doesn’t know that, and he can’t. How could he, lest by your own words?”
Andrew sighed heavily.
James was a little surprised to see Andrew on his doorstep, later that night. He let him in, and poured them both a cup of tea; Andrew refusing anything stronger, though he felt as though they perhaps both could use it.
Andrew fidgeted nervously with his hands, wringing them in his lap. “We… we need to talk, James.”
James nodded. “I would like to apologize, for what I said earlier today. I shouldn’t have used such words… been so harsh with you.”
Andrew drew his eyes up slowly, to meet James’s steady gaze. His own shook and trembled, as did his body, hands still twitching in his lap.
“E-eight… there’ve been eight, i-including you.”
James nodded again, slowly.
“The first… the first was, a friend of mine. We’d known each other since we were tiny-”
“You don’t have to explain, And’.” James’s voice was soft, and quiet.
Andrew looked at him sadly. “I have to, James. For… me. I have to explain why. I’m… I’m not proud, of it. And there are many things I regret. But you… you should know. About them, and… and why I regret them.”
“Surely you don’t regret them all?” Andrew was startled by the concern in James’s voice.
“N-no.” He stammered.
James gave him a reassuring smile. “Take as long as you need, And’.” He told him. He held the smile, “If you need to think, it’s all right. Have some tea. I know you stutter when you’re upset, or flustered…”
Andrew felt as though he might burst into tears again, then and there. Theodore had been right- James had just been angry. However he felt now, he was rational about it; he was his kind and caring self, again.
James’s emerald eyes widened with concern, which had slowly edged its way in to flood his mind the entire day. “And’… are you all right?” He asked, voice scarcely above a whisper. He feared his words, though he had tried to be soft and gentle, had struck him in his already shaken state.
“Y-yes.” Andrew shook his head no, “N-no. I… I don’t k-know.” He wrapped his arms around himself, rubbing the curve of his shoulders.
James couldn’t help but let the tiniest hint of a smile escape his somber, quiet expression at Andrew’s nature. So typical of him, so sweet. He sometimes forgot how he was, his true nature. He was an entirely different man when he was on duty; snarky, assured, cocky even. But now, he was shy and reserved, struggling for words.
Andrew drew in a deep breath, trying to force himself to calm, but it would not come. “We were young, too young. We didn’t really know what we were doing… but we did. We were friends, we trusted each other.”
When he paused, letting his eyes trace slowly across the lengths and shapes of the room, silhouetted in the fading light of day, James asked quietly:
“How old were you?”
“T-the first time, I’d turned thirteen, the week before.”
James drew in a sharp breath, but caught himself in the middle. He hoped it hadn’t been too audible, that Andrew had heard it, for fear of how he would take it.
“I was too young.”
James nodded, slowly.
“It fell apart, within a few months of us f-first… Neither of us could keep it up.” Andrew sighed, heavily. “I’ve not seen him in years. He could be d-dead, now, for all I know…
“David was… was a midshipman, nearly a lieutenant. A-after Adam, I n-needed reassurance. I-I felt like I was… lost. I j-just w-w-wanted to be a-accepted.” He broke off. He wiped his eyes. “I was stupid, again. He didn’t care for me. Not much, anyway. I was just a way to pass the time… young, innocent, he could snap his fingers and I’d follow him blindly. And he knew it. He was promoted and d-disappeared, without a letter or a word.” His voice was dark, filled with bitterness and disgust.
“And again, I walked blindly into yet another doomed relationship, if you can even call it that. He was much older than me; he should have known better. He did. He lied… told me things… told me he loved me, once. I b-believed him, t-there was no reason why I s-shouldn’t have, then.”
James opened his mouth, but stopped. Reassuring words or comforting touches didn’t have a place, here. Not now.
Andrew chewed his lip. He mumbled a name.
“Sorry?” James heard himself say, leaning forward, ears straining to hear.
“S-S-S… Sp-…” Andrew growled, “Jack.”
“Jack?” James’s brow furrowed.
“Jack… S-Sparrow.”
James coughed.
“I finally have at least some smidgen of an excuse other than my own ignorance and naïve world I somehow managed to stay in for so long.” Andrew spat darkly. “I’d had a few drinks… I don’t even remember what of, but it was strong. I didn’t d-drink much, then. I was o-only fourteen.”
“You don’t, now.”
“He was there… I asked him to help me to bed. He was going to leave… he wasn’t going to… but I stopped him. I was so… hurt… so confused, still, after… him. It-it was only once. I ran away when I woke up, the next morning. He told me I didn’t have to… he wasn’t going to hurt me… or rob me… but I ran, anyway.”
James’s mind fluttered to the faithful day and his encounter on the Dauntless.
“Yes… imagine the wonderful shocking surprise I saw when he and Turner boarded the Dauntless. I-I think he recognized me. He didn’t seem to w-want to point the p-pistol, a-at m-m-me.”
Again, James forced himself to hold his hand back.
“After he’d loaded the men into the boat… he made sure I was last… when Turner wasn’t looking… He… touched my shoulder. Laid his hand there, for a moment… It was only once, years before… but he remembered.” Andrew closed his eyes.
“I was barely fifteen, when I thought I was in love. I think I was, even now… It was just before I’d met you, and Teddy. I told him, that I loved him… he was kind to me, for a while. He was older, too. Already a lieutenant. I knew I wasn’t ready… wasn’t ready to be physical with him… But I let it happen, anyway. That’s what you do, when you in love, after all. I’d never known anything else.
“But then he was due to be promoted, to captain, things changed. He broke it off, told me it was a m-mistake, from the beginning, that none of it ever should have happened. I was too young, for him, for anyone, to be in a relationship like that. He went off and was married within two months. I almost didn’t join the Navy. But… there was n-nothing left for me, at home, so I did.
“I was heartbroken when he left me. I loved him, I honestly did. It may have been stupid, and naïve love, but it was. I-it was. And then… then I met you, and Teddy…” A small, almost sleepy smile touched his lips like a low whisper. “I was instantly head over heals for Teddy. I think he knew it, but he wouldn’t let anything come of it. Not for a while.”
James broke his long silence. “I suspected you two might have been lovers. I knew how close of friends you were. You still are.”
Andrew nodded. He smiled, “He was everything I’d never had, before, in a relationship. He was there… and kind, and he loved me, honestly. I wasn’t a way to pass the time, or some conquest for the hell of it. I loved him… I still do. But we weren’t meant to be. Not like that. We both knew it, though we tried against it. I-I think that’s why, we’re still friends.”
“I’m glad it could be that way. I would have hated to have seen you loose each other.” James said softly, not even realizing what he had said until it was uttered.
“He’s always been there, for me. You have, too, but… Teddy was… different. He knows, my past. He helped me, though, a lot of it. He still does.”
James smiled, “I’m glad.”
Andrew’s hand slowly clenched into a fist, his eyes turning a deeper shade of brown, growing nearly black. “I know you’re intelligent. There’s still one other, other than you…”
“You needn’t rush, if you want to stop, now, it’s all right.”
Andrew shook his head, “No. I-I have to finished. Else I won’t… be able to.”
“All right…”
Andrew closed his eyes, “It was Beckett.” He said, bitterly. “He lied. He used me, though I didn’t truly have anything to give him, and I think he figured it out early on, but kept me around, bending me as he pleased. I never… really wanted… to… he just… I could, or I could find myself on the streets, with nothing, and a price on my head. But then that little bastard got what he deserved.”
“That was several years ago, now… I didn’t come to you until over a year ago.”
Andrew shrank slightly, “I wasn’t… alone… during the gap.”
James’s brow furrowed, “But… you said… eight… including me…?”
“It was Teddy.”
“O-oh.”
“We both knew it wasn’t right, that we had tired it before, and we hadn’t worked, but we were both in shambles. We needed each other. There were… no strings… I suppose. We knew we loved each other, deeply, though romantically… that was long ago. We put and end to it not more than eight months before you told me how you felt.”
“Is that why… you were reluctant… to me?”
“No.” Andrew shook his head.
“Because you’ve been hurt, so many times before…”
“Yes. Well… mostly, yes. Of them all, there has been only one my age, Adam, my first, and then… Teddy was the only one younger. And he’s only seven months behind me. All the others were… much older. They were all men, and I was just a boy.”
James felt his heart sink through the wooden floorboards, past the stone foundations of the house.
“It seems I’m drawn to it… to those older than me. But it’s never worked, and I’ve always ended up so hurt. I knew, somehow, that you wouldn’t do something like they’d done to me, but… you’re still older than I am. Even though not as much as… they were.”
James nodded, but remained quiet. “Theo told me… he told me to tell you.” He whispered.
“He knew?” Andrew breathed.
“He said he knew I’d loved you for a long time, he’d seen it. But he also knew you were always… unavailable. I didn’t know what he meant, exactly, until now.”
Andrew flushed.
“But he told me… it must have been three months after you had ended it. He told me to tell you the truth.”
“Where did the other five months go?”
“I was working up my nerve.”
Andrew blinked slowly, owlishly.
It was James’s turn to flush, slightly, “I admit, it was rather… slow, in the upcoming. But it took so much, so much effort, to put my heart out like that, again, after…”
“I know.” Andrew said, “Believe me, James. I know.”
James nodded.
“Do you still think me wicked?”
“Wicked? No, of course not.” James shook his head fiercely, “I never thought that of you…”
“When you found out that there were ‘several’ others, before you… how many did you think?”
“What? Oh, I… It doesn’t matter.”
“How many?”
“Honestly, And’…”
“Please.”
James closed his mouth, holding back his opposition. “Three… four maybe.”
Andrew clenched the armrests of his chair.
“But it doesn’t matter. Believe me, And’, it doesn’t. It was just a random number… It means nothing to me.”
“There’s more to that statement.”
James didn’t answer for a moment; “It means nothing… so long…” He looked him in the eye, “So long as I’m the last.”