Comments | alien_writings: Skinny Man on Guard

alien_writings

Skinny Man on Guard

Jun 07, 2013 11:41

Some stuff that might happen in my I Prefer the Mind Control universe. Enjoy!

---------

Xan keeps smiling at me, and I have the fucking feeling something weird is going on with him. We’re driving in his car, and he won’t say where we’re going. I don’t get it.

( 'Man, what's going *on*?' I mutter, looking at Xan. )

character: syra, character: dylan, 500themes, pov: dylan, trigger: violence, character: xan, pairing: xan/dylan, original fiction, trigger: language, rating: r, writerverse, series: i prefer the mind control

Comments 2

theun4givables June 7 2013, 17:24:18 UTC

This was reasonably tense, to be honest. I think there could have been more confusion coming through, but the reader is certainly left thinking "what the fucking hell is going on?" I think you can tighten up that part, too, and focus less on Dylan describing anyone, because at that point in time, he's not going to focus on appearances, not really. I did like we only got part of her description, but I don't think he'd notice much more than something strange about her. :)

I like this reveal a lot better, too.

alien_writings June 7 2013, 17:57:23 UTC

Thank you for the comment and concrit. :)

During editing, I'll definitely reduce the description to what's truly appropriate for someone suddenly under attack.

I'm glad you liked the reveal -- I was pretty proud of that particular idea and was hoping it would work on the page as well as in my head. I like my awkwardness and "WTF?" type situations, and I think this one qualifies, lol.

This story/series/whatever-it-ends-up-being is in a sort of "experimental rewrite" stage where I think I'm going to be trying all sorts of things out, but I'm probably going to keep this scene, or some version of it. Because, as far as reveals go, this is a pretty neat one (to me). :)

(I originally started writing this particular part of I Prefer the Mind Control because I wanted to get to a funny conversation between Preston and Dylan that had been in my head for some time, but the story said "stop here on this kinda impactful line." So I did ( ... )