[fic] The Case - File 01 ~ Ueda Tatsuya [Part 2 of 2]
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Do you know what a corset piercing is? I didn’t. I’d never heard of it. As he made me lie on my stomach on that horrible metal table, Kazuya explained that he had tried to do this before with Maru but it didn’t take well. Not to worry, he said. He did the research and now he understood the problem. He used regular rings to do it then but now he had surface bars which could be mounted with rings.
The two rows - six piercings in each - running down my back took a long time. Kazuya was so fussy about the exact positioning. It hurt but compared to having my arm sliced to the bone or the doll, it was practically a vacation. The threading of the ribbon? Not so much. It wasn’t that it hurt more - he left the lacing loose at first to minimize rejection of the trophies - but rather what he said.
He talked the whole time I was on that table. He likes to talk, you see. Kazuya wants to know us. He asks questions over and over - the way you keep asking me questions -and then he uses what you tell him to personalize your hell. He knew I was a boxer so he laced me up like a glove... after he made me choose the color of the ribbon.
Kazuya took what I loved most in my life and turned it to shame, but the strange truth of it is that wasn’t the end goal. What he did to our bodies he also did to the rest of us - our thoughts and feelings - and the shame was just a consequence of transforming us. I mean, he made Job - created him out of nothing and grafted him over the man he used to be - and Koki was gone before I ever laid eyes on him.
That small grace - that I was taken last - is probably the only thing that preserved who I originally was in some measure.
They may have removed my trophies but I swear I can still feel the tug of the ribbon. Do you know just how much your back moves?
I saw Jin and Maru’s faces for the first time as Kazuya brought me back. It’s strange... I can remember the unguarded relief on both of their faces but I still can’t quite remember anything else about them. I think I was just numb in that moment. Kazuya put me back in my room - tied straps to my arm rings again - and took one last long look at his work. “Perfection,” was all he had to say before he left.
I was so exhausted I just fell asleep.
This was the way of things for a time. Two more days saw Job taken back to back - this actually happened a lot as I found out - then Maru, myself, and Jin in turn. I saw Maru’s cloth-less back and it was completely wrecked. Three rings from the failed corset piercing were still imbedded but the rest of them were gone, replaced by angry scars. It looked like at least one of the original twelve rings had been ripped forcibly out.
Neither Job nor Jin knew a whole lot about Maru. They didn’t know what he did or was before he came there nor how Kazuya found him. Everything about Maru from before his life with us the man kept to himself.
To be honest, I still don’t know much about him. I mean, we spent so long side-by-side - even if we couldn’t really see each other - but all I can speak to is the man he became. If you want to know more, why don’t you just go ask him?
No. No, I’m not being snarky. I just don’t have the answers you’re looking for. I wish I did. I’d tell you everything you want to know. Please don’t be mad.
Kazuya was thrilled that the corset piercing bars hadn’t been pushed out of the skin. It just might take, he told me. I hated the featherlight touch as his fingers ghosted over the skin. There is no beauty in what he did to us - not that I’ve been able to find at least and I’ve had time to look - but he saw it nevertheless. It was in the way he watched us, the way he touched us. Kazuya used the term “visceral bio-art” and I suppose it is apt if nothing else...
That’s when he put the ring in my left shoulder also.
It’s a miracle - or maybe a curse - that we didn’t fall to infection. Job thinks it’s the will of Kazuya that we didn’t get sick. Maru thinks it’s about the doll. As long as we are tied to it, we can’t die. Jin just called it our unluck. If Kazuya really loves us so much he’d let us choose to die, Jin said, and he had a point. Would you choose to live like that if you had a choice?
Even here I don’t have that choice, do I?
What? No. I didn’t mean that. Of course I didn’t mean that. I would never kill myself. I didn’t really mean it those other times. I swear.
Jin ran again. Kazuya was... not pleased.
Time kept marching on in its infuriatingly slow manner. A week passed and then another one. More followed in its wake until a month has finally passed. Then one month became two. Jin took longer and longer to come back to us. Job seemed more conflicted than ever. As for Maru, he snapped a bit.
That is, if by bit you really mean completely. Day Fifty-Four of my life in that place.
Kazuya left after that morning and - as best he could considering - Maru started screeching at Job. Called him a liar and an idiot and did his level best to break apart everything Job believed. It was a mess. Job begged him to stop. Hell, I begged too. I envied Job for protecting his mind in a way I couldn’t. It would be unbearable to strip him of that. I’d never forgive Maru for doing it and I’d never forgive myself for letting him.
Jin didn’t say a word during the whole thing because he wasn’t himself yet. I’m not sure which side of the debacle he’d have been on. By the time he was aware of us, it was over. Neither Job nor I wanted to talk about it and Maru? Well, he never said another word. Not to us, at any rate. He still sang for Kazuya every morning.
Kazuya came for me thirteen times more - ten before Maru snapped and three after - as the days pushed forward.
I ran the first time. Strange, right? It’s easy enough to explain running if you believe you have a chance to escape but I knew he’d find me - sooner or later - so understanding why I ran that day took me a while. At the time, I just felt I had to do it. I think I needed to show Kazuya my will was still in there somewhere... because every time he told me what I wanted or what I was going to do, it was harder and harder to deny it.
His smug words followed me room after room. “How far do you think you’ll get? Will I stop you now?” and I screamed when my knee buckled from the pain. Kazuya entered the room but stayed near the door. He allowed me to stand and run out of that room - even though I could see how angry he was - but when I got partway across the next room, he said, “Or maybe I’ll stop you now.” Then he stabbed the doll again. I collapsed with a pained howl just as he entered that room.
And he did that over and over again - one room at a time - in what was clearly an enormous estate. Despite how furious Kazuya was, his voice was controlled as he taunted me. “You can end this game, Tatsuya. You just have to crawl to me and beg my forgiveness. You want me to forgive you and I can keep this up for as many rooms as it takes for you to realize it.”
I passed through the room with the metal table - the third room and the sum total of my knowledge of this place - but I didn’t stop there. Two rooms beyond that led to a hallway. The walls were the same grey-white stones throughout. I threw open the doors I limped past in the hallway but most of them were dead ends. The last one on the left had another door across the room and it was my best shot.
Best shot at what? I have no idea. Finding the stairs, I guess. I was in pain and I was desperate and if I could just make it out of the building it would show him how serious I was. He would have to choke on my disobedience.
The only problem was that he wasn’t the one choking on it. I was. He stayed half a room behind me for the whole thing and each time he stabbed the doll it was harder and for longer. I thought... I thought I had more in me - that I could get farther - but somehow I must have circled around. The rooms all looked the same but how many large rooms with a metal table could there be?
The sight of that table robbed me of the last bit of divergent will I had that day. Kazuya’s voice pricked my ears as he again promised to forgive me and I must have needed it or I wouldn’t be hurting so badly. I collapsed in the doorway, arms crossed over my stomach and forehead to the ground. “Oh, god, no more...” I think I was sobbing. But I knew what he wanted to hear. I knew what would make the pain stop. “F-forgive me! Please, forgive me!”
The palm on the side of my face was warm. Somehow that made it worse as he tilted my head up to look him face to face. “Oh, darling. I forgive you. I will always forgive you. You just have to ask.”
He had tears in his eyes! Somehow it didn’t feel right that we both did. I couldn’t help it, but him... What was his excuse? But it didn’t matter how off it felt. The tears that never quite fell and the anger still blazing behind them and that soft, innocent, and completely degrading smile...
Never underestimate what you can live with - even if you can’t reconcile it - when you’re desperate enough.
“Do you want to go back to your room?” Kazuya’s hand was still on my cheek. I couldn’t tear my gaze away though I knew I was stripped bare - every shield dropped and replaced with the frenzied hope he’d put me away and never take me out again - and all I could do was whimper an agreement.
So he walked me back to my room and I could feel the others’ eyes accusing me as I followed him. I know I more than earned it already but I soon discovered it wasn’t over. I was relieved but I... I should have known better. Kazuya was still pissed, after all. Even in my state I could see that. Once he had me back in my room properly, he took his place at the table in the center.
His smile was just gone like it never was and after that came more pain. I cried. I screamed at him, “Is this what your forgiveness worth?” which I know upset Job but I guess I’d have to ask for his forgiveness, too.
All Kazuya said was, “What kind of forgiveness is it if I don’t encourage you to behave properly? If my forgiveness is that limited then I’ve failed you.”
Jin told me off once we came back to ourselves but I didn’t listen. He ran his last two times so he had no right to judge me for it.
And I can’t say this was the last time I ran because the truth is I ran four more times during my stay but in that moment I couldn’t even imagine running again. The next day Kazuya took away Job and the day after that - Day Twelve by hell’s reckoning - he came for me again so I went with him. I did everything he told me to. For my trouble I lost what was left of my shirt. He put another row of bars down my spine - these ones horizontal - and redid the red ribbons. I couldn’t see it but he insisted it was gorgeous - the ribbon crossed near the middle right below each of the new center bars - and that he knew it would be because I was so pretty to start with. His fingers lingered on my skin, playing along the ribbons and then up to the nape of my neck.
I just shuddered, closed my eyes, and tried to go somewhere else because I couldn’t face the obscene adoration in his touch or in his voice. It’s a violation worse than any pain. His love is pain. Maybe all love is pain. I didn’t used to think so, but...
You believe differently? Hold onto that. It won’t last.
The lacing down my back wasn’t the last of my trophies by far. Kazuya put a ring at the back of my neck and he wanted to do a smaller corset piercing on my right arm. It didn’t take well which angered him even though I couldn’t help the way my skin rejected them. Strapping me down tightly, he cut two long slices down my arms. He dug the remaining bars out roughly with his fingers while I screamed - he didn’t seem to care about the blood - and stapled both cuts.
The next time he came for me, I ran again. I couldn’t face the knife or possibly something even worse. Not again.
In this manner things swung up and then down. No... more aptly down and down further. There was no up with Kazuya except in his own mind.
The day that changed everything was Day Sixty-Seven, even if it took a day to fully understand that fact. Kazuya took Job that day - this was the fourth time in a row which never happened before - and when he finally brought him back, I think we all paled at the sight. Job’s shirt was torn in a new place, directly over his heart. It was another ring but it wasn’t a piercing like the others. This... it was screwed into a metal plate which was embedded under the skin. The skin was stitched closed with thick black thread in an “X” but you could still see it peeking from behind the stitching.
I’m sick just thinking about it and that’s the reaction I had at the time as well. I managed to hold it in like I’m doing now but it wasn’t easy. Job’s body was trembling, his fists were clenched tightly, and he was biting his lower lip hard enough to draw blood. His eyes were wide and so very wild. Even so, he followed right behind Kazuya and climbed into his cage. He let Kazuya tie the straps to both his original and his new trophy as well as wrap a few around his wrists.
“Good boy.” Parting words from Kazuya as he shut the cage.
It wasn’t until Kazuya left completely that Job moved. He sunk down on his bench and curled into a ball - as much as he could in that space - with his arms looped around his knees and his face tucked down. He didn’t say anything; he just shook even harder.
“Job?” I already knew he wasn’t okay and I knew I shouldn’t say anything - it was the rule after all - but it was already out before I could stop myself.
He responded with a very thready, “I don’t t-think I’m strong enough... Please forgive me... I’m s-sorry... s-s-sor-“ but he devolved to sobbing and hugging his knees even tighter. I don’t think his words were meant for me.
Not a single one of us knew what to say to him and I know I at least was looking into the mirror of futures to come with dread. Thankfully we had the evening - Job had paid in flesh for us that night - to prepare for the morning to come.
Job calmed back down in the sense that he finally passed out. I could hear Jin pacing in his room, muttering almost inaudibly to himself - not unusual by this point - but he did seem especially agitated that night.
The next day followed quickly on night’s heels but Kazuya didn’t come with the doll. I think we were all confused - it was so hard to tell with Koki - except for Job who was still fitfully asleep. It was understandable after the night he had and probably would have lasted for several more hours had Jin not chosen that minute to lose his mind.
I could hear him pounding on the glass as he screamed at the absent Kazuya, calling him out as a sick coward - which of course he is though everyone in hearing range already knew that - and eventually said, “That’s it! I’m setting the damn doll on fire. I’ll set the damn building on fire. That has to free us... or kill us, which is just as well!”
“That’s n-not how it works.” Job’s voice was faint and wavering.
“Then tell me. Tell me how it works.”
“That d-doll is our avatar. We are tied to him through it and as long as we are, neither we n-nor it can be harmed.”
“Not harmed? NOT HARMED?” I beat Jin to the words but we both said it.
“Th-that’s n-not harm. It’s lo...” and he choked on the word. He had to close his eyes and take a breath before he continued with, “L-love. As long as we’re here we’re p-protected by it.”
I never heard so much desperation and doubt in Job’s voice before but it was Jin who realized the significance of the words. “As long as we’re here? Wait, are you telling me that if we can get out of the building...”
“Y-You don’t want to do that!” Job’s voice was surprisingly forceful despite the tiredness. “Satan’s forces wait past the r-red door. Our pain has no meaning if they claim us.”
I wasn’t the only one to see he wasn’t talking about the door Kazuya comes through. Jin said angrily, “You’ve been to the other floors? Even seen the way out?”
“I...” Job froze. “M-maybe?”
“YOU KNOW ALL THESE THINGS AND YOU KEPT IT TO YOURSELF?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know. I...” and there was panic in Job’s eyes. “I just... He showed me y-yesterday... B-b-bef-f-ore h-he...” He crossed his arms over his chest, shaking visibly. “I c-c-can’t... I c-can’t...”
Then he started sobbing again and for a minute, nobody knew what to say to him. I think we all wanted to let him calm back down. I knew Jin wouldn’t drop this issue - he was pretty pissed - but it was clear Job was very close to cracking. I gave him a few minutes to calm and changed the subject. “Where’s Kazuya?”
It took him a second to find his voice but finally Job said, “Supply run. He... needs things. For us. He’ll be back this afternoon for one of us.” Another pause. “P-probably me.”
There was nothing more to say.
Kazuya did indeed come back later but it wasn’t for Job. It was for Jin.
Imagine our surprise when Jin burst back in without Kazuya. He had the knife. I didn’t know how he got it. I didn’t know where Kazuya was or what he did to him - anything, really - but somehow I felt hopeful for the first time in months. “Jin?”
He didn’t answer me. Instead, he threw the door to Job’s room open and then pulled the back of the cage open. As he cut the straps tied to Job’s trophies he said, “We’re going. You have to lead us out.”
“What? How?” Job’s words but he wasn’t the only confused one. My mouth hung open as I tried to catch up to the situation. I couldn’t find sense in it at all. I think I was just in shock.
“I knocked him out. I... I tried to kill him but the knife just... it wouldn’t go near him. Like there was some shield or... I don’t know. You were right about the doll. I couldn’t even touch it. But we can’t assume he’ll stay out long so we gotta go. Now.”
“But...” Job seemed torn. He didn’t stop Jin but he also didn’t move even when he was no longer tied.
“Look, you don’t have to leave if you don’t want to but please - please - show us the way. We can’t stay here.” When Job didn’t respond, Jin asked again. “Please! You’re the only one that knows the way and we’re running out of time. He’ll wake up and when he does the doll is right there.”
Job finally nodded. The next thing I knew, Jin was in my room cutting me free. My head was spinning and all I couldn’t help wondering whether this was really happening or if I’d finally lost it entirely.
Well, yes, obviously it was really happening. I know that now. I wouldn’t be talking to you otherwise. But at that time it was just shy of unbelievable - more dream than reality. I was afraid to say a word. I didn’t want to shatter the illusion.
Maru didn’t take long to free - only three straps - and then Jin said, “Okay, let’s go.”
From Job, “No.”
“But you said-”
“Koki. C-Cut him free.”
“But...”
“Free him.”
“He’ll attack me.”
“I d-don’t care.”
“HE’S NOT IN THERE ANYMORE! THERE’S NO POINT!”
Job refused to budge. In the end, Jin just had to do it. Koki didn’t attack him - actually, he flinched away - but he didn’t make it easy for Jin. Jin got it, though, and the instant that last strap was cut, Koki took off. Jin sounded exasperated as he said, “See? Can we go now?”
Job nodded. “Follow me. Quickly.”
I’m not sure how long the path from where we then stood to the exit really is but what I can say is that it crosses the full breadth of the basement and then just as far across the first floor. There’s this panic that struck when we crept past the unconscious Kazuya and it didn’t let up the whole trip. Finally, Job pointed and said, “Straight across two rooms and then the red door will be on the left wall.”
Maru took off running and most of me wanted to do the same... but I couldn’t leave it like this. “Come with us.”
I thought I’d have to argue with him but he just nodded. We all took off after Maru - not without problems because the doorways we passed were only wide enough for one at a time - and as I burst into that last room, I saw Maru already halfway out the door. This was really happening.
Each second passed in its sweet time - its own eternity - as I crossed the room. Maru was all the way out. My extended hand was so close to the exit. I touched the wooden frame as I threw myself out. I heard a thud behind me. Jin called out and I spun to see without stopping.
For a second I thought Kazuya caught up to us but it was Koki. He must have followed us. He bowled Jin over - Jin barely managed to put his hands out in time to keep his face from hitting the ground - and shoved Job to the side. I dove out of the way, landing hard on my ass. Maru just kept going.
Job caught himself without falling but it still took a moment to reorient. Jin pushed himself up in a frantic attempt to get back to his feet. Job moved forward again and he was within arms’ reach of the doorway when both he and Jin collapsed with a scream. I felt nothing and had just enough time to realize it before I saw them clutch their chest. Job’s eyes went wide but he didn’t let it stop him. He pulled himself forward with great effort. Jin, too, but Job was a lot closer to the exit.
The pain must have let up in Job the instant he crossed the threshold because he released his chest and let out a sob of relief. Jin called out, “Job, help m-” but he was interrupted by another scream.
I was on my feet by this time. My gaze darted to Jin and then back to Job - he was standing now, too - in an ever-repeating cycle. Jin screamed again. Job cried, “I’m sorry, Jin. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He kept repeating it over and over as he turned around. Our eyes met and I knew he was thinking the same thing I was - namely, that Jin was on his own - because we both just ran after that.
>After that it gets kind of hazy. I remember driving. I think... I think we stole his car. We went so fast. Koki finally lashed out in the back seat. More screaming. I looked away for just the briefest of seconds to see what was happening back there. The cop car came out of nowhere. We missed him - thankfully - but not the sign. We weren’t badly hurt. Just banged up a bit.
I remember begging the cop to save us. Kazuya was right behind us, I told him. He had to be. He would never let us go so easily. The cop saw my trophies - the stapled scars, the rings in my arms, shoulder, and neck, the ribbon laced down my back - and threw up.
He called his bosses and before I knew it, the place was flooded with ambulances and other cops and a fire truck for some reason.
Jin... Oh, god, we just left him there! We... the EMTs were strapping the still-struggling Koki down but all I could think was that we abandoned him. God, Kazuya was going to be so mad. What was he doing to Jin right at that very moment?
But I couldn’t get the words out. I looked back and forth, my gaze traveling from Koki to Maru to Job - the latter of who was sobbing with his arms crossed over his chest - then back to Maru and Koki, over and over. I silently begged for someone to speak up, to mention Jin. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t open my mouth and admit that when it counted I was a coward. Apparently, they couldn’t either.
Nobody said a word. Not then to those cops and not to the guys in the ambulances and not to the doctors that examined us. Detectives came and they were asking questions and the guilt just gnawed and gnawed and finally I couldn’t stand it. “Jin, I’m so sorry! Forgive me. Forgive me!” I think I was crying.
The problem was, we had no idea how to get back to the place we’d fled. I knew which general direction we were driving - west, at least according to the cop we nearly hit - and I could describe the rooms where they kept us but I couldn’t tell them anything more useful than that.
I understand it took almost three weeks track down the place.
I have no idea what they found there. Nobody will tell me anything.
I don’t suppose you will tell me?
Did they save Jin? Is he even still alive? What about Kazuya? He was arrested, they told me, but I never testified at his trial. They said it wasn’t needed.
You really don’t know, do you? How can you not know? Why are you here, then? What do you want from me? TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT! WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?
You know what? I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Please, leave me to my pain and my guilt and find whatever it is you’re looking for some other way, because I have nothing left to give you. I have nothing left to give anybody...
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A/N: So... ah... Don't kill me? Also, if you notice anything in there that's just flat-out wrong, go with it for now, mkay? This is only the first File of the project. I'm hard at work on File 02 -- got almost 1500 words so far which is like 300 more than yesterday. I'm kinda in the zone right now. I don't know how long it will take to finish. File 01 was a bit over 12000 words and I can only imagine File 02 will be longer still as it covers a larger period of time. But I'll get it to you as soon as I finish it.
I'm sure you guys have a gajillion questions (I counted them carefully, I swear) so ask away and I'll answer them so long as answering them doesn't spoil stuff that's yet to come. And I really, really wanna know what you guys think about this project. It's pretty twisted... but at the same time, it's been an awesome literary challenge and I've fussed over the most minute details of it. I practically begged Desh to look over it to see if everything says what I mean it to etc and she's been totally amazingly helpful with her thoughts and questions so I could make this the best I'm capable of. So there you go.
Time to hide in Bob, who I may or may not have specially outfitted to protect me from not only the traditional Fireman's Axe but also all other painful forms of massacre I could think of. I'm highly allergic, you know.
Don't kill me. Seriously.
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Do you know what a corset piercing is? I didn’t. I’d never heard of it. As he made me lie on my stomach on that horrible metal table, Kazuya explained that he had tried to do this before with Maru but it didn’t take well. Not to worry, he said. He did the research and now he understood the problem. He used regular rings to do it then but now he had surface bars which could be mounted with rings.
The two rows - six piercings in each - running down my back took a long time. Kazuya was so fussy about the exact positioning. It hurt but compared to having my arm sliced to the bone or the doll, it was practically a vacation. The threading of the ribbon? Not so much. It wasn’t that it hurt more - he left the lacing loose at first to minimize rejection of the trophies - but rather what he said.
He talked the whole time I was on that table. He likes to talk, you see. Kazuya wants to know us. He asks questions over and over - the way you keep asking me questions -and then he uses what you tell him to personalize your hell. He knew I was a boxer so he laced me up like a glove... after he made me choose the color of the ribbon.
Kazuya took what I loved most in my life and turned it to shame, but the strange truth of it is that wasn’t the end goal. What he did to our bodies he also did to the rest of us - our thoughts and feelings - and the shame was just a consequence of transforming us. I mean, he made Job - created him out of nothing and grafted him over the man he used to be - and Koki was gone before I ever laid eyes on him.
That small grace - that I was taken last - is probably the only thing that preserved who I originally was in some measure.
They may have removed my trophies but I swear I can still feel the tug of the ribbon. Do you know just how much your back moves?
I saw Jin and Maru’s faces for the first time as Kazuya brought me back. It’s strange... I can remember the unguarded relief on both of their faces but I still can’t quite remember anything else about them. I think I was just numb in that moment. Kazuya put me back in my room - tied straps to my arm rings again - and took one last long look at his work. “Perfection,” was all he had to say before he left.
I was so exhausted I just fell asleep.
This was the way of things for a time. Two more days saw Job taken back to back - this actually happened a lot as I found out - then Maru, myself, and Jin in turn. I saw Maru’s cloth-less back and it was completely wrecked. Three rings from the failed corset piercing were still imbedded but the rest of them were gone, replaced by angry scars. It looked like at least one of the original twelve rings had been ripped forcibly out.
Neither Job nor Jin knew a whole lot about Maru. They didn’t know what he did or was before he came there nor how Kazuya found him. Everything about Maru from before his life with us the man kept to himself.
To be honest, I still don’t know much about him. I mean, we spent so long side-by-side - even if we couldn’t really see each other - but all I can speak to is the man he became. If you want to know more, why don’t you just go ask him?
No. No, I’m not being snarky. I just don’t have the answers you’re looking for. I wish I did. I’d tell you everything you want to know. Please don’t be mad.
Kazuya was thrilled that the corset piercing bars hadn’t been pushed out of the skin. It just might take, he told me. I hated the featherlight touch as his fingers ghosted over the skin. There is no beauty in what he did to us - not that I’ve been able to find at least and I’ve had time to look - but he saw it nevertheless. It was in the way he watched us, the way he touched us. Kazuya used the term “visceral bio-art” and I suppose it is apt if nothing else...
That’s when he put the ring in my left shoulder also.
It’s a miracle - or maybe a curse - that we didn’t fall to infection. Job thinks it’s the will of Kazuya that we didn’t get sick. Maru thinks it’s about the doll. As long as we are tied to it, we can’t die. Jin just called it our unluck. If Kazuya really loves us so much he’d let us choose to die, Jin said, and he had a point. Would you choose to live like that if you had a choice?
Even here I don’t have that choice, do I?
What? No. I didn’t mean that. Of course I didn’t mean that. I would never kill myself. I didn’t really mean it those other times. I swear.
Jin ran again. Kazuya was... not pleased.
Time kept marching on in its infuriatingly slow manner. A week passed and then another one. More followed in its wake until a month has finally passed. Then one month became two. Jin took longer and longer to come back to us. Job seemed more conflicted than ever. As for Maru, he snapped a bit.
That is, if by bit you really mean completely. Day Fifty-Four of my life in that place.
Kazuya left after that morning and - as best he could considering - Maru started screeching at Job. Called him a liar and an idiot and did his level best to break apart everything Job believed. It was a mess. Job begged him to stop. Hell, I begged too. I envied Job for protecting his mind in a way I couldn’t. It would be unbearable to strip him of that. I’d never forgive Maru for doing it and I’d never forgive myself for letting him.
Jin didn’t say a word during the whole thing because he wasn’t himself yet. I’m not sure which side of the debacle he’d have been on. By the time he was aware of us, it was over. Neither Job nor I wanted to talk about it and Maru? Well, he never said another word. Not to us, at any rate. He still sang for Kazuya every morning.
Kazuya came for me thirteen times more - ten before Maru snapped and three after - as the days pushed forward.
I ran the first time. Strange, right? It’s easy enough to explain running if you believe you have a chance to escape but I knew he’d find me - sooner or later - so understanding why I ran that day took me a while. At the time, I just felt I had to do it. I think I needed to show Kazuya my will was still in there somewhere... because every time he told me what I wanted or what I was going to do, it was harder and harder to deny it.
His smug words followed me room after room. “How far do you think you’ll get? Will I stop you now?” and I screamed when my knee buckled from the pain. Kazuya entered the room but stayed near the door. He allowed me to stand and run out of that room - even though I could see how angry he was - but when I got partway across the next room, he said, “Or maybe I’ll stop you now.” Then he stabbed the doll again. I collapsed with a pained howl just as he entered that room.
And he did that over and over again - one room at a time - in what was clearly an enormous estate. Despite how furious Kazuya was, his voice was controlled as he taunted me. “You can end this game, Tatsuya. You just have to crawl to me and beg my forgiveness. You want me to forgive you and I can keep this up for as many rooms as it takes for you to realize it.”
I passed through the room with the metal table - the third room and the sum total of my knowledge of this place - but I didn’t stop there. Two rooms beyond that led to a hallway. The walls were the same grey-white stones throughout. I threw open the doors I limped past in the hallway but most of them were dead ends. The last one on the left had another door across the room and it was my best shot.
Best shot at what? I have no idea. Finding the stairs, I guess. I was in pain and I was desperate and if I could just make it out of the building it would show him how serious I was. He would have to choke on my disobedience.
The only problem was that he wasn’t the one choking on it. I was. He stayed half a room behind me for the whole thing and each time he stabbed the doll it was harder and for longer. I thought... I thought I had more in me - that I could get farther - but somehow I must have circled around. The rooms all looked the same but how many large rooms with a metal table could there be?
The sight of that table robbed me of the last bit of divergent will I had that day. Kazuya’s voice pricked my ears as he again promised to forgive me and I must have needed it or I wouldn’t be hurting so badly. I collapsed in the doorway, arms crossed over my stomach and forehead to the ground. “Oh, god, no more...” I think I was sobbing. But I knew what he wanted to hear. I knew what would make the pain stop. “F-forgive me! Please, forgive me!”
The palm on the side of my face was warm. Somehow that made it worse as he tilted my head up to look him face to face. “Oh, darling. I forgive you. I will always forgive you. You just have to ask.”
He had tears in his eyes! Somehow it didn’t feel right that we both did. I couldn’t help it, but him... What was his excuse? But it didn’t matter how off it felt. The tears that never quite fell and the anger still blazing behind them and that soft, innocent, and completely degrading smile...
Never underestimate what you can live with - even if you can’t reconcile it - when you’re desperate enough.
“Do you want to go back to your room?” Kazuya’s hand was still on my cheek. I couldn’t tear my gaze away though I knew I was stripped bare - every shield dropped and replaced with the frenzied hope he’d put me away and never take me out again - and all I could do was whimper an agreement.
So he walked me back to my room and I could feel the others’ eyes accusing me as I followed him. I know I more than earned it already but I soon discovered it wasn’t over. I was relieved but I... I should have known better. Kazuya was still pissed, after all. Even in my state I could see that. Once he had me back in my room properly, he took his place at the table in the center.
His smile was just gone like it never was and after that came more pain. I cried. I screamed at him, “Is this what your forgiveness worth?” which I know upset Job but I guess I’d have to ask for his forgiveness, too.
All Kazuya said was, “What kind of forgiveness is it if I don’t encourage you to behave properly? If my forgiveness is that limited then I’ve failed you.”
Jin told me off once we came back to ourselves but I didn’t listen. He ran his last two times so he had no right to judge me for it.
And I can’t say this was the last time I ran because the truth is I ran four more times during my stay but in that moment I couldn’t even imagine running again. The next day Kazuya took away Job and the day after that - Day Twelve by hell’s reckoning - he came for me again so I went with him. I did everything he told me to. For my trouble I lost what was left of my shirt. He put another row of bars down my spine - these ones horizontal - and redid the red ribbons. I couldn’t see it but he insisted it was gorgeous - the ribbon crossed near the middle right below each of the new center bars - and that he knew it would be because I was so pretty to start with. His fingers lingered on my skin, playing along the ribbons and then up to the nape of my neck.
I just shuddered, closed my eyes, and tried to go somewhere else because I couldn’t face the obscene adoration in his touch or in his voice. It’s a violation worse than any pain. His love is pain. Maybe all love is pain. I didn’t used to think so, but...
You believe differently? Hold onto that. It won’t last.
The lacing down my back wasn’t the last of my trophies by far. Kazuya put a ring at the back of my neck and he wanted to do a smaller corset piercing on my right arm. It didn’t take well which angered him even though I couldn’t help the way my skin rejected them. Strapping me down tightly, he cut two long slices down my arms. He dug the remaining bars out roughly with his fingers while I screamed - he didn’t seem to care about the blood - and stapled both cuts.
The next time he came for me, I ran again. I couldn’t face the knife or possibly something even worse. Not again.
In this manner things swung up and then down. No... more aptly down and down further. There was no up with Kazuya except in his own mind.
The day that changed everything was Day Sixty-Seven, even if it took a day to fully understand that fact. Kazuya took Job that day - this was the fourth time in a row which never happened before - and when he finally brought him back, I think we all paled at the sight. Job’s shirt was torn in a new place, directly over his heart. It was another ring but it wasn’t a piercing like the others. This... it was screwed into a metal plate which was embedded under the skin. The skin was stitched closed with thick black thread in an “X” but you could still see it peeking from behind the stitching.
I’m sick just thinking about it and that’s the reaction I had at the time as well. I managed to hold it in like I’m doing now but it wasn’t easy. Job’s body was trembling, his fists were clenched tightly, and he was biting his lower lip hard enough to draw blood. His eyes were wide and so very wild. Even so, he followed right behind Kazuya and climbed into his cage. He let Kazuya tie the straps to both his original and his new trophy as well as wrap a few around his wrists.
“Good boy.” Parting words from Kazuya as he shut the cage.
It wasn’t until Kazuya left completely that Job moved. He sunk down on his bench and curled into a ball - as much as he could in that space - with his arms looped around his knees and his face tucked down. He didn’t say anything; he just shook even harder.
“Job?” I already knew he wasn’t okay and I knew I shouldn’t say anything - it was the rule after all - but it was already out before I could stop myself.
He responded with a very thready, “I don’t t-think I’m strong enough... Please forgive me... I’m s-sorry... s-s-sor-“ but he devolved to sobbing and hugging his knees even tighter. I don’t think his words were meant for me.
Not a single one of us knew what to say to him and I know I at least was looking into the mirror of futures to come with dread. Thankfully we had the evening - Job had paid in flesh for us that night - to prepare for the morning to come.
Job calmed back down in the sense that he finally passed out. I could hear Jin pacing in his room, muttering almost inaudibly to himself - not unusual by this point - but he did seem especially agitated that night.
The next day followed quickly on night’s heels but Kazuya didn’t come with the doll. I think we were all confused - it was so hard to tell with Koki - except for Job who was still fitfully asleep. It was understandable after the night he had and probably would have lasted for several more hours had Jin not chosen that minute to lose his mind.
I could hear him pounding on the glass as he screamed at the absent Kazuya, calling him out as a sick coward - which of course he is though everyone in hearing range already knew that - and eventually said, “That’s it! I’m setting the damn doll on fire. I’ll set the damn building on fire. That has to free us... or kill us, which is just as well!”
“That’s n-not how it works.” Job’s voice was faint and wavering.
“Then tell me. Tell me how it works.”
“That d-doll is our avatar. We are tied to him through it and as long as we are, neither we n-nor it can be harmed.”
“Not harmed? NOT HARMED?” I beat Jin to the words but we both said it.
“Th-that’s n-not harm. It’s lo...” and he choked on the word. He had to close his eyes and take a breath before he continued with, “L-love. As long as we’re here we’re p-protected by it.”
I never heard so much desperation and doubt in Job’s voice before but it was Jin who realized the significance of the words. “As long as we’re here? Wait, are you telling me that if we can get out of the building...”
“Y-You don’t want to do that!” Job’s voice was surprisingly forceful despite the tiredness. “Satan’s forces wait past the r-red door. Our pain has no meaning if they claim us.”
I wasn’t the only one to see he wasn’t talking about the door Kazuya comes through. Jin said angrily, “You’ve been to the other floors? Even seen the way out?”
“I...” Job froze. “M-maybe?”
“YOU KNOW ALL THESE THINGS AND YOU KEPT IT TO YOURSELF?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know. I...” and there was panic in Job’s eyes. “I just... He showed me y-yesterday... B-b-bef-f-ore h-he...” He crossed his arms over his chest, shaking visibly. “I c-c-can’t... I c-can’t...”
Then he started sobbing again and for a minute, nobody knew what to say to him. I think we all wanted to let him calm back down. I knew Jin wouldn’t drop this issue - he was pretty pissed - but it was clear Job was very close to cracking. I gave him a few minutes to calm and changed the subject. “Where’s Kazuya?”
It took him a second to find his voice but finally Job said, “Supply run. He... needs things. For us. He’ll be back this afternoon for one of us.” Another pause. “P-probably me.”
There was nothing more to say.
Kazuya did indeed come back later but it wasn’t for Job. It was for Jin.
Imagine our surprise when Jin burst back in without Kazuya. He had the knife. I didn’t know how he got it. I didn’t know where Kazuya was or what he did to him - anything, really - but somehow I felt hopeful for the first time in months. “Jin?”
He didn’t answer me. Instead, he threw the door to Job’s room open and then pulled the back of the cage open. As he cut the straps tied to Job’s trophies he said, “We’re going. You have to lead us out.”
“What? How?” Job’s words but he wasn’t the only confused one. My mouth hung open as I tried to catch up to the situation. I couldn’t find sense in it at all. I think I was just in shock.
“I knocked him out. I... I tried to kill him but the knife just... it wouldn’t go near him. Like there was some shield or... I don’t know. You were right about the doll. I couldn’t even touch it. But we can’t assume he’ll stay out long so we gotta go. Now.”
“But...” Job seemed torn. He didn’t stop Jin but he also didn’t move even when he was no longer tied.
“Look, you don’t have to leave if you don’t want to but please - please - show us the way. We can’t stay here.” When Job didn’t respond, Jin asked again. “Please! You’re the only one that knows the way and we’re running out of time. He’ll wake up and when he does the doll is right there.”
Job finally nodded. The next thing I knew, Jin was in my room cutting me free. My head was spinning and all I couldn’t help wondering whether this was really happening or if I’d finally lost it entirely.
Well, yes, obviously it was really happening. I know that now. I wouldn’t be talking to you otherwise. But at that time it was just shy of unbelievable - more dream than reality. I was afraid to say a word. I didn’t want to shatter the illusion.
Maru didn’t take long to free - only three straps - and then Jin said, “Okay, let’s go.”
From Job, “No.”
“But you said-”
“Koki. C-Cut him free.”
“But...”
“Free him.”
“He’ll attack me.”
“I d-don’t care.”
“HE’S NOT IN THERE ANYMORE! THERE’S NO POINT!”
Job refused to budge. In the end, Jin just had to do it. Koki didn’t attack him - actually, he flinched away - but he didn’t make it easy for Jin. Jin got it, though, and the instant that last strap was cut, Koki took off. Jin sounded exasperated as he said, “See? Can we go now?”
Job nodded. “Follow me. Quickly.”
I’m not sure how long the path from where we then stood to the exit really is but what I can say is that it crosses the full breadth of the basement and then just as far across the first floor. There’s this panic that struck when we crept past the unconscious Kazuya and it didn’t let up the whole trip. Finally, Job pointed and said, “Straight across two rooms and then the red door will be on the left wall.”
Maru took off running and most of me wanted to do the same... but I couldn’t leave it like this. “Come with us.”
I thought I’d have to argue with him but he just nodded. We all took off after Maru - not without problems because the doorways we passed were only wide enough for one at a time - and as I burst into that last room, I saw Maru already halfway out the door. This was really happening.
Each second passed in its sweet time - its own eternity - as I crossed the room. Maru was all the way out. My extended hand was so close to the exit. I touched the wooden frame as I threw myself out. I heard a thud behind me. Jin called out and I spun to see without stopping.
For a second I thought Kazuya caught up to us but it was Koki. He must have followed us. He bowled Jin over - Jin barely managed to put his hands out in time to keep his face from hitting the ground - and shoved Job to the side. I dove out of the way, landing hard on my ass. Maru just kept going.
Job caught himself without falling but it still took a moment to reorient. Jin pushed himself up in a frantic attempt to get back to his feet. Job moved forward again and he was within arms’ reach of the doorway when both he and Jin collapsed with a scream. I felt nothing and had just enough time to realize it before I saw them clutch their chest. Job’s eyes went wide but he didn’t let it stop him. He pulled himself forward with great effort. Jin, too, but Job was a lot closer to the exit.
The pain must have let up in Job the instant he crossed the threshold because he released his chest and let out a sob of relief. Jin called out, “Job, help m-” but he was interrupted by another scream.
I was on my feet by this time. My gaze darted to Jin and then back to Job - he was standing now, too - in an ever-repeating cycle. Jin screamed again. Job cried, “I’m sorry, Jin. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He kept repeating it over and over as he turned around. Our eyes met and I knew he was thinking the same thing I was - namely, that Jin was on his own - because we both just ran after that.
>After that it gets kind of hazy. I remember driving. I think... I think we stole his car. We went so fast. Koki finally lashed out in the back seat. More screaming. I looked away for just the briefest of seconds to see what was happening back there. The cop car came out of nowhere. We missed him - thankfully - but not the sign. We weren’t badly hurt. Just banged up a bit.
I remember begging the cop to save us. Kazuya was right behind us, I told him. He had to be. He would never let us go so easily. The cop saw my trophies - the stapled scars, the rings in my arms, shoulder, and neck, the ribbon laced down my back - and threw up.
He called his bosses and before I knew it, the place was flooded with ambulances and other cops and a fire truck for some reason.
Jin... Oh, god, we just left him there! We... the EMTs were strapping the still-struggling Koki down but all I could think was that we abandoned him. God, Kazuya was going to be so mad. What was he doing to Jin right at that very moment?
But I couldn’t get the words out. I looked back and forth, my gaze traveling from Koki to Maru to Job - the latter of who was sobbing with his arms crossed over his chest - then back to Maru and Koki, over and over. I silently begged for someone to speak up, to mention Jin. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t open my mouth and admit that when it counted I was a coward. Apparently, they couldn’t either.
Nobody said a word. Not then to those cops and not to the guys in the ambulances and not to the doctors that examined us. Detectives came and they were asking questions and the guilt just gnawed and gnawed and finally I couldn’t stand it. “Jin, I’m so sorry! Forgive me. Forgive me!” I think I was crying.
The problem was, we had no idea how to get back to the place we’d fled. I knew which general direction we were driving - west, at least according to the cop we nearly hit - and I could describe the rooms where they kept us but I couldn’t tell them anything more useful than that.
I understand it took almost three weeks track down the place.
I have no idea what they found there. Nobody will tell me anything.
I don’t suppose you will tell me?
Did they save Jin? Is he even still alive? What about Kazuya? He was arrested, they told me, but I never testified at his trial. They said it wasn’t needed.
You really don’t know, do you? How can you not know? Why are you here, then? What do you want from me? TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT! WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?
You know what? I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Please, leave me to my pain and my guilt and find whatever it is you’re looking for some other way, because I have nothing left to give you. I have nothing left to give anybody...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A/N: So... ah... Don't kill me? Also, if you notice anything in there that's just flat-out wrong, go with it for now, mkay? This is only the first File of the project. I'm hard at work on File 02 -- got almost 1500 words so far which is like 300 more than yesterday. I'm kinda in the zone right now. I don't know how long it will take to finish. File 01 was a bit over 12000 words and I can only imagine File 02 will be longer still as it covers a larger period of time. But I'll get it to you as soon as I finish it.
I'm sure you guys have a gajillion questions (I counted them carefully, I swear) so ask away and I'll answer them so long as answering them doesn't spoil stuff that's yet to come. And I really, really wanna know what you guys think about this project. It's pretty twisted... but at the same time, it's been an awesome literary challenge and I've fussed over the most minute details of it. I practically begged Desh to look over it to see if everything says what I mean it to etc and she's been totally amazingly helpful with her thoughts and questions so I could make this the best I'm capable of. So there you go.
Time to hide in Bob, who I may or may not have specially outfitted to protect me from not only the traditional Fireman's Axe but also all other painful forms of massacre I could think of. I'm highly allergic, you know.
Don't kill me. Seriously.