[fic] By Choice - 2/2
Page 1 - Page 2
By Choice
The story continues:
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Kazuya wanted to say he felt safer in Jin’s arm and for the most part that was true, but he still couldn’t sleep. Frankly, they’d gotten away far too easily. Everything had gone perfectly during the escape and, well, life didn’t work that way. Not once in the two years he knew had life been so kind to him. And there was something else, something at the back of his mind, like from a dream. Words he couldn’t reach well enough to say but that served as a warning, letting him know this was far from over.
Had he seen something in the waking dream? Was that what was bothering him?
Or was he actually asleep alone back at the shrine and would he wake in the morning to find himself there? This wouldn’t be the first time he’d dreamed about being in Jin’s arms.
He did eventually fall asleep though, if only because he was exhausted.
When he woke in the morning, he immediately noticed two things.
The first was that he was no longer in Jin’s arms.
The second was the black bear which was close to Jin. Dangerously close, actually. One mighty swipe was all it would take and there would be no more Jin. Oh, this is what they get for taking to the woods instead of staying on the infinitely-safer road! Why had he ever agreed to that when Jin suggested I last nightt?! In a loud whisper, Kazuya called out, “Jin? Jin, what are you doing? Jin! Bear. There’s a bear! Jin!! Bear!”
The bear was an enormous ball of jet black fur (though in all fairness his fear was probably exaggerating the size of the bear to his poor eyes and mind) with a crescent of yellow-white on his chest and didn’t seem to like the sound of Kazuya’s near-hiss whispering. It growled at him.
Jin seemed oblivious to the very real danger he was in. “Don’t mind him, Kuma-sama. He just woke up.”
“Kuma… sama…?”
The bear grunted and started making clicking noises. Jin laughed and gave it a piece of the dried fruit Kazuya had packed for his escape. “Don’t worry. We’re not here to take what’s yours. Though I should warn you, we might be followed and they won’t have nearly so much respect for you.” And then the bear purred, deep but very much like a cat, before lumbering off.
Could he really believe what he was seeing? This was more the sort of thing he’d expect from the waking dream and the notion that this might not be real once again seemed likely. “Ah, Jin…?”
“Hmm? What’s wrong, Kazuya?” Jin asked, his cheerful expression replaced by one of concern.
“Am I really here? You’d tell me if this wasn’t real, right?”
Now Jin looked very concerned. “Why would you think this wasn’t real?”
“Y-you were talking to a bear. A bear, Jin. Talking to it.” The last time Kazuya had seen a bear was when one wandered upon the shrine. That hadn’t gone well. People had died.
“That was odd? It… doesn’t everyone?” but Kazuya was still too shocked to respond so Jin finally continued with, “I just figured I was good with animals. I thought everyone understood them… but even if it is strange, why would you think this wasn’t real? I saw your eyes glow green and yet I didn’t question whether it was real or not. I probably should have but it just made sense. Well, not your words because it was a bunch of nonsense about stone cats and backwards suns but I knew there was something going on and I knew you were something special. And you told me Oyaku and his men were looking for me since my birth which means you think I’m something special, too. So why would you doubt what you see?”
“They did it before, when I tried to escape last time…” The adrenaline from waking up to find a bear so close was wearing off, leaving only the fear behind that the things around him were somehow not right. He had to face that fear or risk being controlled by it forever, right? And this was Jin, not some stranger, and definitely not Oyaku-san. But that didn’t make it easier to talk about.
Jin seemed to realize this. He crossed the distance between them and pulled Kazuya into a gentle embrace. “What did they do to you?” he asked softly. “What has you so frightened and wondering if you can trust your eyes?”
“When you saw me in that room, I was in the waking dream. It’s… it’s everything that ever was, is, will or could be. Everything. Seeing the past and the present and all the futures at once, it’s exhausting and every minute I spend in that place, seeing that way, makes it more and more difficult to come back out of it. They tie me to the seat they built so I have no choice. When they light the incense, the smoke pulls me into it. They do it because they want to know the future. Oyaku-san thinks that if they keep dragging me into the waking dream I’ll say something useful and for all I know, I have. He wants power to control the world and since he only was able to find me instead of both of us, this was the best he could do.
“Usually they keep me like that for a few hours and that’s bad enough. But when I ran away for the fourth time, Oyaku-san decided I needed to understand that my actions have consequences. He locked me in there, Jin. He… they…” and he took a deep breath to keep his hold on the calm he was clinging to before continuing, “They trapped me in the waking dream for a week. No food, no sleep… just an unending parade of visions and… and…
“I wasn’t right for a long time after that. I was seeing things that weren’t there. I had nightmares of futures that might never occur. I was hounded constantly by the dead and the never-was. I screamed and I screamed and it wouldn’t stop, not for three months. I even tried to kill myself, or was about to anyway, but one of Oyaku-san’s men found me and stopped it. Oyaku-san was so angry with me. He said that if I tried to escape again - either by leaving the shrine or ending my life - he’d trap me in the waking dream for so long I’d never be right again.
“What if you never came to the shrine? What if you’re not real but just a phantom born of desire and the raw stuff of the waking dream? What if I just wanted to see you so much, to hold you and have you take me away from all of this, that I…”
“Stop. Stop right there, Kazuya, and listen to me,” but Jin’s tone was loving, not harsh. “This is real. I’m here, with you. I’ll be with you when you fall asleep and still with you when you wake up. Do you trust me?”
“I do.” And it was true. He trusted Jin completely, even the parts of him that otherwise weren’t able to trust at all.
“Then if you’re not sure you can trust your own eyes, trust mine.”
“Oh, Jin…” and despite the danger they were in, for that moment Kazuya really was happy Jin showed up at the shrine’s doorstep. Having only the dream of a memory might have been safest for everyone involved but would he ever really have been satisfied with that?
No. No, some part of him always knew this had to happen. They were going to meet no matter what. If this really was happening and they could escape the shrine, was it wrong to enjoy this time with Jin? To stop worrying about the rest of the world and be happy for a while?
Though for how long that would last really depended on how fast they could travel.
And though he could stay in Jin’s arms like that for an eternity, Oyaku-san wouldn’t give them that long. They had to eat and then get moving.
+++
As the two of them ate a brief breakfast, Jin’s heart was breaking. Even though Kazuya’s voice had been calm, Jin could see just how deeply the experience had affected him. He couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to lose his grip on reality so completely for just one day, let alone for months.
It was disturbing what some people would do for power. Oyaku would fit right in at the capital.
After they finished breakfast, Jin pulled out the old map Kazuya had stolen for him. For a good half hour or so the two of them tried in vain to figure out where they ended up. Kazuya was pretty sure they’d gone north to start with but admitted that changing course to cut through the forest completely shot his sense of direction.
If he had been thinking, he would have asked the bear. It was his experience that animals usually had a good sense of direction.
Eventually they gave up on the map and just picked a direction at random, hoping it wasn’t the way they had come from, though to be perfectly honest it might very well have been. Next time they make camp, Jin was going to mark the ground or something so they wouldn’t have to worry about which direction they came from.
At first they walked silently, but it didn’t take long for that to end. Jin wanted to know more about the mess he was caught up in and about Kazuya and for once he didn’t have to worry about being overheard. “Ne, Kazuya…” he started hesitantly, “Oyaku and the others at the shrine… Who are they really? How did they find you? For that matter, how did I? Because judging from that map, I’d say there was a huge distance between where I last remembered being and where that shrine is.”
“I’ll tell you what I know,” Kazuya sighed, “But there’s still so much I don’t. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really as powerful as Oyaku-san believes… but that’s beside the point.” He shook his head and didn’t say anything for a few moments like he was trying to find the words. But finally he asked, “Have you ever dreamed of a life you don’t remember living?”
“Not that I can recall but ever since I met you, I felt like we must have known each other in another life,” Jin responded.
“I dreamed of you since the very first of my days. Or, at least, the very first of the days I remember. The truth of the matter is, I don’t know anything of my life before two years ago. According to Oyaku-san, there’s a prophecy that tells of our birth - that the two of us will be born with great powers and that together our power can change the world. The men he leads are just the most recent group of people trying to exploit that power. Others have charted mine and your birth for generations as best as they could so their descendants can find us whenever we’re reborn.”
“How does that make you forget your whole life?” Jin was fascinated by the story even as he hated what had come of it so far.
“Oyaku-san did that. Apparently the price of making me remember myself and my power destroyed every connection I had to the life I lived before he found me and kidnapped me. Actually, I could have come with him willingly; I just don’t know. Maybe I somehow earned my fate…”
Jin seriously doubted that. “But you said the waking dream has the past, present, and all of the futures in it, right? Couldn’t you find out all you’ve forgotten that way?”
“I know the answers are in there and if I had better control, I would seek them out. I’d find whatever I have to do to keep the world safe from Oyaku-san’s ambition and I’d find the path that gets me a full life in your arms.” These words made Jin smile as he realized how much he wanted that, too. He wished he could walk hand-in-hand with Kazuya but the forest wasn’t really suited for that. But then Jin realized Kazuya was still talking so he swallowed his desires and focused on the journey and Kazuya’s words.
“…and it’s just so difficult to find one answer amidst countless simultaneous realities and non-realities. And while on some level I do remember what I see in the waking dream, it’s just like any other remembered dream - hazy and difficult to find sense within once firmly without. That incense they use doesn’t help, either. Oyaku-san believes I have the ability to enter the waking dream at will but he’d rather rape my mind because it’s easier for him than dealing with me properly.”
Kazuya chuckled darkly. “But the incense hurts him, too. I can’t look for what he wants like that so he has to just take whatever I give him. My deepest desire, aside from finally being with you, is that everything Oyaku-san did to me was of no benefit to him whatsoever. I’d rather live a completely pointless life than help that man change the world.”
Jin didn’t know what to say to that, so he said nothing and they lapsed into silence again. It was just as well; the exertion of such sustained traveling, even with the lessened pace as they tried to pick a path around the underbrush, made chatting a luxury they would have to do without for a while. They couldn’t really stop, not yet. Not until they got enough distance between themselves and the shrine.
That tree looked awfully familiar, though.
No, they had gone more or less straight so it wasn’t possible. Those two trees were not the same ones. They couldn’t be. Besides, none of the rest of what was around them seemed familiar.
Still… should he say something to Kazuya about it?
He came down on the side of no. There was no reason to worry Kazuya over his irrational anxieties. But the further they went, the more their surroundings seemed familiar and Jin had to admit they’d somehow circled around. What other explanation could there be?
Apparently Kazuya thought so, too. Jin had been doing his best to walk in front of Kazuya to spare him the worst brunt of the sticks and other vegetation that were snagging his clothes and scratching his skin but when Kazuya put a hand on his shoulder, Jin stopped and turned to face him.
“We’ve been here before, haven’t we?” was all Kazuya asked.
“I think so…”
“Let’s try that way,” and Kazuya pointed towards the thickest of the underbrush. “It’s pretty obvious we didn’t go that way before.”
“For a reason. Going that way will slow us down even more.”
“But being lost won’t?”
Jin couldn’t argue with that logic. “Okay, let’s go that way.”
Picking their way through took over an hour but the brush did eventually thin out. By then, it was getting dark. Jin and Kazuya both were exhausted and scratched up horribly. But even with all of the problems of the day and all of the problems they had yet to face on their journey, Kazuya looked at him with perfect trust. Not one person in Jin’s life up until now ever had so much faith in him. He hoped he didn’t disappoint.
After they ate dinner, Jin took stock of their supplies. Kazuya hadn’t exactly packed for two. They had already gone through half of the dried fruit and though they hadn’t touched the dried deer meat, there wasn’t a whole lot of it to begin with. The water situation was a bit more worrisome. By Jin’s best guess, they’d run out in two more days. There had to be water somewhere; the animals had to drink, after all.
That night was colder but Jin didn’t make a fire. It would be very easy for it to spread and burn the forest down and them with it. Instead, he held Kazuya close to share the warmth between themselves.
Though Jin was pretty sure they’d sleep in each others’ arms even if it wasn’t so cold. Something in it just felt natural and so right. And when Kazuya started running his hand idly down Jin’s side, even if there were layers of fabric preventing full skin-on-skin contact, it still made Jin shiver.
Which seemed to make Kazuya realize what he was doing because he suddenly stopped and pulled his hand away. “Oh, I… sorry, I… shouldn’t without… well, it’s like habit to me but you may not want-”
But Jin interrupted him with, “Please tell me there’s no possible future that ever could exist where I wouldn’t want you to touch me.” Kazuya didn’t respond, so Jin reluctantly continued with, “But as much as I like it, if we’re going to travel tomorrow then we best go to sleep.”
Even if he very much wanted to continue.
+++
Kazuya rolled in Jin’s arms so Jin could pull him even closer. He could feel Jin pressed against his back and Jin’s breath tickled the nape of his neck. Jin’s hand on his stomach was comforting and, unlike the night before, Kazuya had no difficulty falling asleep. Despite losing their way, he felt safe - something he couldn’t ever remember feeling before - with those arms wrapped around him.
Oh, he’d wanted this for so long and when Jin showed up at the shrine it was so hard to keep his distance. And their first night on the run, they were so exhausted and scared (well, he was scared but Jin was so brave!) that he didn’t really get to appreciate it. But now he could.
Though morning came too soon, like it always does.
Jin was still asleep when Kazuya pushed himself up to sit. Very carefully he untangled himself from Jin’s grip trying hard to not wake him up. He was congratulating himself on a job well done when he heard a noise coming from the direction of their packs and lantern.
A grey, furry rear end was protruding from their pack. Whatever it was wasn’t too tall. What was a dog doing out this far from…
Wait, was that a wolf?
Oh, no, that was definitely a wolf…
A wolf which was at that moment digging through their supplies.
As quietly as he could, Kazuya started shaking Jin, trying to wake him. After what he saw yesterday with Jin and the bear, he decided they’re much more likely to get their stuff back from the wolf if Jin handled that. He wasn’t so much afraid of the wolf like he’d been with the bear, but in all fairness, the bear was much bigger and closer and who wouldn’t have been scared and why wasn’t Jin waking up?! “Jin! Jin!”
The wolf stopped rooting through their stuff and raised his head to look in their direction. It was gnawing on something, probably a piece of dried meat since as far as Kazuya knew, wolves didn’t eat fruit. Once it swallowed the food it barked at him, like a dog.
Jin finally rolled over and sleepily mumbled, “Why? What’s wrong with it? What do you do to your meat, Kazuya?”
“That wasn’t me, Jin.”
“Huh?” and Jin sat up, yawning. “What do you mean-”
The wolf barked again.
“Ookami-sama?” Jin asked.
“Yeah,” was all Kazuya could say in response.
“Did you ask him what he wants?” But Jin seemed to realize the problem with what he was saying. “Oh, I’m sorry. Talking to the wolf is like talking to the bear, isn’t it? People don’t do that…”
Kazuya smiled at Jin as he shook his head, “Not so much. Can you ask him not to eat me while I get our pack?”
The wolf snorted and padded towards them. Jin held his hand out for the wolf to sniff while Kazuya - giving it a wide berth in case it decided to attack them after all - circled around to repack their supplies. By the time he was done with that, Jin was chatting amiably with the wolf. To Kazuya, all the sounds the wolf made were pretty much the same but Jin wasn’t having that problem at all. Jin told the wolf about being on the run and warned that they might be followed, just like he had told the bear before.
Watching the two of them together, it was easy to forget that the wolf was a predator and not some pet. But Jin really did seem amazing in that moment. Kazuya could feel Jin’s quiet power. He knew Jin could do more than talk to animals but this was really the first opportunity to watch him confidently using one of his abilities without any real grasp of how special the fact he could do it was. Kazuya had no doubt Jin really thought everyone could do this until now.
It made him more determined to get Jin as far away from the shrine as possible. He couldn’t let Oyaku-san pervert any of Jin’s gifts the way he had Kazuya’s.
Jin’s voice addressing him brought Kazuya out of his thoughts, “He says he can show us to a place that stinks of human meddling. He says there’s a river and a cave and that even though there hasn’t been a human there in a long time, everything a wolf needs to survive for years is there.”
“Can we survive on what a wolf does?”
“It’s food and water and it’s not the shrine. Everything else can we can work out when we get there, right?”
He had a good point.
The wolf had a pretty poor sense of a human’s ability to slip between thorny branches and found their attempts funny, at least according to Jin who started translating everything the wolf said to him after whining at the beast for saying they were clumsier than a pup. It took a couple hours but Kazuya did eventually stop worrying about the wolf. It really seemed to have no desire to attack them after all.
Though Kazuya suspected the story would be different if Jin weren’t around.
Jin asked the wolf why he was traveling without a pack but the wolf didn’t want to talk about that, it seemed.
About halfway through the day, the trees thinned out considerably and Kazuya could hear the sound of a small waterfall not far away. It was initially hard to see the cave entrance as it was hidden partially by the falling water and didn’t look all that big but when they got really close, they realized the cave was a lot larger than it seemed.
The wolf said that the prey food was on top of the cliff. According to Jin, it said they should be able to find plenty of rodents and hares to eat there since - no offense - their claws just weren’t sharp enough for taking down a boar and they weren’t fast enough for deer and those rabbits were stupidly slow once they were stuffed. Apparently, most predators avoided the area around and above the cave so the rabbit were arrogantly lazy up there. The wolf wouldn’t say why the predators avoided the place but instead added that the cave was uninhabited by anything worthwhile.
Kazuya had to admit, it was interesting hearing things from the perspective of a wolf (albeit filtered through Jin). When it excused itself, Jin offered it the rest of their dried meat since escorting them deprived the beast of valuable hunting time but the wolf snorted and refused with some rather disparaging remarks about the taste. Apparently wolves just weren’t big on cooked, salted, or dried meats.
“Before it leaves, could you tell it I said thank you for bringing us here?” Kazuya asked.
Jin shook his head while the wolf just snorted again. “No need. He can understand you just fine.” And with one final bark, the wolf took off.
Jin sighed. “I guess we do make pretty pitiful figures out in the wilds…”
“Any idea how to catch a rabbit? I’ve never had to catch my own food.”
“No. But maybe we can eat what the rabbits eat.”
Kazuya and Jin spent most of the rest of the day exploring the area. The cliff with the waterfall was the roughly the height of four humans but it sloped downward on either side within fifteen minutes of walking. The cave was dark but was big enough to make a fire and the slant of the ceiling would funnel the smoke out instead of building a huge cloud above them.
The prey food the wolf spoke of turned out to be weed-filled vegetable gardens. Humans had cleared the area on top of the falls on both sides of the river, so there was actually a lot of open space. When they found the burned and overgrown remains of a building up there, Kazuya decided it was probably a good thing the area had been so sparse compared to the rest of the forest or that fire would have done serious damage. The building had obviously not been inhabited for generations but the strange thing was that the gardens had been tended to much more recently.
Though neither he nor Jin had much experience gardening, Kazuya wasn’t afraid of hard work. Compared to the shrine, this place was a paradise. It really did have everything they would need to survive. It was peaceful like the shrine should have been. He could see himself staying there… as long as Jin was with him, he didn’t need much else.
Were they far enough away to be safe? Would Oyaku-san track them here?
Would Jin be satisfied staying here, having only Kazuya for company? It was a far cry from what he had at the capital or even what they had at the shrine. Would it be enough?
Would he be enough?
It was nearly dark by the time they gathered enough dried limbs to make a fire. Jin was really good at coaxing the flames so it didn’t take long to get it going.
As they ate the last of their packed fruit, Kazuya felt an overwhelming sense of relief. He hadn’t sent them into the wild to die after all. They were going to be okay.
+++
This place was perfect. They had water. They had food, though it would take some effort on his part - something he was happy to do for Kazuya - and shelter. It was in the middle of nowhere with no relatives to judge him and no ambitious men to take advantage of them. He could see himself staying there.
As long as he had Kazuya, that was.
But would Kazuya be satisfied with no other company? He wanted to ask but he was afraid of the answer. After they ate he just sat there, trying to figure out the best way to bring it up.
He was so distracted by his thought that he was barely aware of Kazuya scooting closer to him until he reached a hand out to caress Jin’s cheek. Jin’s breath caught in his throat and he closed his eyes. “Kazuya…”
Jin could feel Kazuya’s hand flinch for the briefest instant but he must have found some confidence because he didn’t pull away. Instead, he moved closer and Jin finally got to taste those lips again. Oh, it was just as amazing as their first two brief kisses - sweet and hot and perfect and full of so much longing. If he ever wondered whether Kazuya wanted him just as much as he wanted Kazuya, this pretty much proved it. He could taste it in that kiss. And this time they didn’t have to worry about being seen or about escaping. This time, they could just enjoy it.
When Kazuya moaned into the kiss, Jin pulled him even closer until Kazuya was practically straddling his lap and when the kiss finally ended, Kazuya whispered, “Please, Jin… while there’s still flame enough to see you, take me. For two years I’ve dreamed of doing this. I need you. Touch me, Jin… Make me yours…”
The words were going straight to his heart and his groin and both parts of him seemed in perfect agreement in that moment. He responded by leaning forward, carefully laying Kazuya down on the stone floor of the cave. It didn’t take long to open Kazuya’s robe and remove his sashinuki. The sight of the flawless chest and the beautiful paleness of his skin only increased Jin’s desire for him.
Kazuya’s hands sought the bindings to Jin’s clothes but Jin didn’t make it easy for him by pressing kiss after kiss on Kazuya’s throat and flicking his tongue slowly along Kazuya’s collarbones. He reveled in even the smallest whimpers and moans he pulled from Kazuya.
But when Kazuya finally got Jin’s robe open and his pants out of the way, the advantage shifted and suddenly Jin was the one unable to control his reactions. The feel of his fingertips as they brushed deftly down Jin’s side was electric. It wasn’t like this was his first time with someone but he couldn’t ever remember it feeling like this before. Kazuya seemed to know exactly where to touch him.
Finally Jin could stand no more teasing and Kazuya seemed of like mind. He grabbed Kazuya’s wrists and pinned them gently above his head as he positioned himself properly between Kazuya’s legs. Jin brought his lips to the rim of Kazuya’s ear, darting his tongue along it and then nipping at his earbud. Huskily he whispered, “You’ve always been mine, Kazuya. Let me show you…”
Kazuya’s pleasured whimper as Jin slowly filled him made every difficult or painful or frustrating moment since he left the capital worth it. To get to hear that sound - one he didn’t know he wanted but that completed him in so many ways - he would endure the worst of those times again and again if he had to. They fit together so perfectly.
They really were made for each other, weren’t they?
After giving Kazuya a moment to adjust, Jin started moving. Kazuya’s eyes fluttered closed and he whispered back to Jin, “I love you with all of me. I give every bit of myself to you, for now and for always.”
The two of them made love until even the fire burned out and beyond. And when they couldn’t see each other anymore, they trusted in each other’s touches until they finally came together. Exhaustedly they pulled their robes back closed to ward off the night’s chill and Jin fell asleep with Kazuya snuggled tightly to his chest.
The next few days were busy ones. They pulled weeds from the gardens. They searched for dry fallen limbs to use as firewood. Jin found the perfect stone to make an axe though it took a while to chip it against other rocks to get a sharp edge. Though it was a bit more crudely done, he also chipped another one to a point for smaller jobs such as slicing plant stems.
When the wolf came to visit them two days in, he brought a partial deer carcass for them, killed so recently it was still slightly warm. He said it was because he was worried still because they were more helpless than most pups. When Kazuya tried to cook it, the wolf (which Jin had taken to calling Tanaka because he sounded like a Tanaka in Jin’s opinion) told him off. He seemed to scare Kazuya and if Jin believed the wolf was a threat he wouldn’t find it so funny but since he knew Tanaka wasn’t going to hurt them, all he could do was laugh.
While Kazuya glared at him, Jin explained that for humans it was better that way. Tanaka was incredulous but finally snorted and allowed Kazuya to cook the meat. Jin scratched him behind the ear and thanked him for helping so much. Somehow, he knew this wolf was no ordinary animal and that some spirit had chosen to watch over them.
Things were going so well. They were on nobody’s time but their own which was good because the sight of Kazuya on his knees weeding the garden was arousing enough that Jin took him right there in the garden in the middle of the day while Kazuya screamed his name in ecstasy. Back at Heian-kyo nobody would dare be so loud. Discretion was highly valued and it would be unseemly. Jin decided this way was much better.
Another night, right after Jin built a fire, Kazuya all but dragged him just as far away from the flames as he had to for safety reasons, pushed him down onto his back, and climbed on top of him. The image of Kazuya moving above him, riding him, with his robe falling slightly open to show a line of white skin, was one Jin knew he’d never forget. Just like his smile.
Oh, he loved that smile…
+++
The end of their paradise came entirely too soon. They had been living there for almost a week and had gotten complacent. Kazuya really believed they were far enough away that Oyaku-san would never find them. He allowed his guard to drop and let himself be distracted by his happiness.
But when Tanaka (Jin had named the wolf) suddenly appeared in the cave at the edge of the fire’s glow and started barking and growling, Jin tensed and then his grip on Kazuya tightened to the point it was painful.
“Jin, what’s wrong? What does he say?” Kazuya asked, trying to read Jin’s expression in the low light.
As Tanaka took off, Jin said, “We’re…” and his voice was shaking and he seemed to be having trouble getting words out at all, “We’re trapped. People… a couple dozen… flanking… surrounded… just a few minutes… No way for two to slip through… Get behind me! Quickly! Tanaka says he’ll try to stop them but there’s so many and he’s packless and… I’ll… they’ll have to go through me first… where’s that dagger-stone? Where’s… Kazuya, please, get behind me! I mean it!”
Kazuya snatched up the dagger-stone and was going to hand it to Jin but a pain-filled howl rang out and then suddenly stopped. Even in such low light, Kazuya could see Jin’s expression which was terrified - not for himself but for Kazuya - and with that Kazuya knew the wolf was dead and Oyaku’s men would have them in mere moments…
And he knew what he had to do.
He spoke quickly as he said, “Jin, they can’t get us both. Your power is already showing naturally and Oyaku-san will drag it the rest of the way out of you. He will twist the two of us and use us to change the course of history, and it will mean the end of the world, an end bathed in fire and blood and hate.”
“I won’t let-” Jin started.
Kazuya interrupted him. “We can’t take so many and expect to win, Jin. You may kill a few but not two dozen.”
“Kazu-”
“Even in the best conditions, the cherry blossoms last mere days. What right have we to demand more for ourselves? Those shine brightest that shine briefest, Jin…” and Kazuya was crying, “I can’t let them take us both now that they know who you are and I can’t go through the punishment Oyaku-san has promised me.”
“But-”
“I can’t hurt you. I could never hurt you so this is how it has to be.” Kazuya took a deep breath. “Don’t let them take you, Jin. Whatever happens, don’t let them take you. Never forget I love you.”
And with that, Kazuya drove the sharpened dagger-stone into his heart with all his might.
+++
Jin cried out but it was too late. Kazuya slumped forward and no amount of shouting on Jin’s part was going to change anything that was happening. He pulled the dagger out of his lover and whispered a goodbye even though he knew Kazuya could no longer hear it.
He would follow Kazuya.
Eventually.
First he had a promise to keep.
He would burn them down, every one of them and their precious shrine, too. Somehow, he knew he’d be able to call up the flames he needed. He couldn’t have done it before but Kazuya’s sacrifice opened a fiery bloom at the heart of him, flooding him with power that he previously couldn’t reach but that had always been his.
He refused to speak to Oyaku or his men when they dragged him back to their temporary camp. He didn’t speak when they tied him to a tree or when they rudely woke him in the morning or during the days it took to travel back hrough the woods to the shrine.
But once they were back at the shrine, he finally asked, “How did you find us?”
Oyaku answered, “Kazuya told me days before you left.”
“What do you mean?”
“Did you not know that cave is called Cat’s Paw Cave, Akanishi? That’s been its name ever since my grandfather’s grandfather destroyed all seven shrines of the Nanabai Tousha where the cave stands.”
At first he was confused and wondered how Oyaku knew his name but then Jin suddenly remember Kazuya’s words: The Sun to my Moon rises red from the west and the Moon shall be consumed in the fires of a backward Sun by the paw of the stone cat.
Red…
Aka…
West…
Nishi...
His name was hidden in Kazuya’s puzzling words all along. He was the Sun, wasn't he? He was the one that convinced Kazuya to leave the shrine. He was the one who suggested they leave the roads and cross the forest and the one who trusted a wolf to show them to shelter. He led Kazuya to his end.
It was okay, though. He was going to burn along with Oyaku and his men. Hopefully with that he would atone for his naivety.
Jin died in dark laughter and flames but he took all of them with him. Every man, stick, and stone from the gate to the tiny building at the back. They were gone and so was he.
But he burned brightly while he lasted.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A/N: Another tragic end. I think they got the longest together so far in this one, at least. Even if they couldn't be fully together for some of those first days. Here's some nifty tidbit of trivia and history:
1.) Locations... Heian-kyo is now Kyoto but it was the capital during the Heian period (794-1185). Kouya-san is a real place, too. The shrine where Kazuya lives is actually the shrine from "By Fire" that Kazuko fled. The original society that existed in that first story died off in some cataclysm and I guess later inhabitants built their shrine on top of it and so on through the ages. That's what Kazuya means when he says "before our ancestors" if that line is still here and not edited out LOL. The Cat's Paw Cave is behind the waterfall at the sun shrine at the Nanabai Tousha which is the early-Shinto-ish shrine in "By Sword" and, yes, that's the same little waterfall Jin was lulled to sleep listening to in the beginning of that story.
2.) The culture of the aristocrats was pretty much built around beauty and it's all really, really complicated. I had a bunch of nifty links to share but my browser glitched and when I reopened it none of my tabs were there (I nearly cried, I swear). Apparently I had those research sources open for so long but I never realized I didn't actually bookmark them. So everything I'm typing here is from my three and a half pages of handwritten notes. Seriously, google search for Heian era Japan sometime. There's a lot of information out there and it's all fascinating. For example, virginity was not prized and staying a virgin for too long generally meant demonic possession. Even with all the immorality (some disparaging remarks about the morality and masculinity of that period of time in Japan are easy to find), they didn't like nudity. That's why in the story they only open their robes for sex instead of stripping nude. That was apparently more the way of things. Oh, and men were allowed multiple wives but married couples don't live together and the woman stays in the home of her parents. Men tended to live till about 32-33 and women to 27-28 and 54% of deaths were by tuberculosis. Both men and women made perfumes. Bathing didn't really happen.
3.) While you're doing your googling, you might wanna look up the rank system. Emperer at the top, naturally, but it gets a little more complicated from there. Your rank decided so much about you and there were laws over the tiniest things. Different ranks had to have different number of folds in their fans, for example.
4.) The jade comb appears for like half a second but nothing really comes of it in this story. It's just important for later stories that you know it's there or more importantly that it basically has disappeared again. I hope I've started to hint at certain truths about why Kazuya and Jin are special but if you wanna know exactly what they are you'll have to wait another story or two.
5.) Hadn't intended to name the wolf but decided Jin should name him Tanaka in honor of my continued love and support for Koki even if he's not in KAT-TUN anymore. Having decided to do that, I realize it actually dovetails nicely with something else later so,hey, double awesome.
6.) Oyaku's name... Now, yaku ( 厄 ) means "misfortune" or "bad luck" as I know from my studies since it's a kanji I've already learned. So I figured Oyaku would be good because the O is an honorific (though in all fairness, I probably should use "go" prefix since I'm pretty sure that "yaku" is the on'yomi reading but work with me here, okay?). Of course, the next step was making sure that "oyaku" didn't have some other unsuitable meaning. Usually I do this by trying to make sure the word isn't any real thing and my search on jisho.org yielded no results, so I patted myself on the back and decided to use the name. But then I noticed that I had "common words only" checked and decided I better uncheck it and run the search again. And it turns out that oyaku ( 御厄 ) is an outdated term for smallpox or variola. Apparently the now-common term for smallpox is tennentou ( 天然痘 ). Now, I know that Jin had the flu (I never said so but that’s what he had) which is not the same thing as smallpox but still, it makes the name seem more fitting anyway LOL. Just a quirk I thought you guys might enjoy knowing.
7.) The honshu wolf is now extinct. Though some people say it's not but rather just really rarely seen. Japanese views on wolves are pretty interesting too. Also, the bear in the story is an asiatic black bear or whatever you call 'em. They're apparently much more vicious than other varieties of black bears. Wolves usually travel in nuclear family packs but Tanaka is an exception and you don't find out why till later story so please forgive.
8.) The story takes place somewhere between the years of 819 (when the monastery at Kouya-san was founded) and 858 (Emperor Seiwa and the start of the Fujiwara who get really frigging powerful)
8.) If I've forgotten anything, I apologize. There was a lot of history for this one and I tried to follow it as much as possible but I'm sure the're little things (can Jin think of a touch as "electric" when there's no such thing as "electricity" is just an example of the level I'm talking about as far as historical innacuracy).
9.) Oh, and the clothes... http://www.iz2.or.jp/english/index.htm This has some pictures of dolls in historic clothing and it points out the different parts and gives their names. Enjoy.
By Choice
The story continues:
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Kazuya wanted to say he felt safer in Jin’s arm and for the most part that was true, but he still couldn’t sleep. Frankly, they’d gotten away far too easily. Everything had gone perfectly during the escape and, well, life didn’t work that way. Not once in the two years he knew had life been so kind to him. And there was something else, something at the back of his mind, like from a dream. Words he couldn’t reach well enough to say but that served as a warning, letting him know this was far from over.
Had he seen something in the waking dream? Was that what was bothering him?
Or was he actually asleep alone back at the shrine and would he wake in the morning to find himself there? This wouldn’t be the first time he’d dreamed about being in Jin’s arms.
He did eventually fall asleep though, if only because he was exhausted.
When he woke in the morning, he immediately noticed two things.
The first was that he was no longer in Jin’s arms.
The second was the black bear which was close to Jin. Dangerously close, actually. One mighty swipe was all it would take and there would be no more Jin. Oh, this is what they get for taking to the woods instead of staying on the infinitely-safer road! Why had he ever agreed to that when Jin suggested I last nightt?! In a loud whisper, Kazuya called out, “Jin? Jin, what are you doing? Jin! Bear. There’s a bear! Jin!! Bear!”
The bear was an enormous ball of jet black fur (though in all fairness his fear was probably exaggerating the size of the bear to his poor eyes and mind) with a crescent of yellow-white on his chest and didn’t seem to like the sound of Kazuya’s near-hiss whispering. It growled at him.
Jin seemed oblivious to the very real danger he was in. “Don’t mind him, Kuma-sama. He just woke up.”
“Kuma… sama…?”
The bear grunted and started making clicking noises. Jin laughed and gave it a piece of the dried fruit Kazuya had packed for his escape. “Don’t worry. We’re not here to take what’s yours. Though I should warn you, we might be followed and they won’t have nearly so much respect for you.” And then the bear purred, deep but very much like a cat, before lumbering off.
Could he really believe what he was seeing? This was more the sort of thing he’d expect from the waking dream and the notion that this might not be real once again seemed likely. “Ah, Jin…?”
“Hmm? What’s wrong, Kazuya?” Jin asked, his cheerful expression replaced by one of concern.
“Am I really here? You’d tell me if this wasn’t real, right?”
Now Jin looked very concerned. “Why would you think this wasn’t real?”
“Y-you were talking to a bear. A bear, Jin. Talking to it.” The last time Kazuya had seen a bear was when one wandered upon the shrine. That hadn’t gone well. People had died.
“That was odd? It… doesn’t everyone?” but Kazuya was still too shocked to respond so Jin finally continued with, “I just figured I was good with animals. I thought everyone understood them… but even if it is strange, why would you think this wasn’t real? I saw your eyes glow green and yet I didn’t question whether it was real or not. I probably should have but it just made sense. Well, not your words because it was a bunch of nonsense about stone cats and backwards suns but I knew there was something going on and I knew you were something special. And you told me Oyaku and his men were looking for me since my birth which means you think I’m something special, too. So why would you doubt what you see?”
“They did it before, when I tried to escape last time…” The adrenaline from waking up to find a bear so close was wearing off, leaving only the fear behind that the things around him were somehow not right. He had to face that fear or risk being controlled by it forever, right? And this was Jin, not some stranger, and definitely not Oyaku-san. But that didn’t make it easier to talk about.
Jin seemed to realize this. He crossed the distance between them and pulled Kazuya into a gentle embrace. “What did they do to you?” he asked softly. “What has you so frightened and wondering if you can trust your eyes?”
“When you saw me in that room, I was in the waking dream. It’s… it’s everything that ever was, is, will or could be. Everything. Seeing the past and the present and all the futures at once, it’s exhausting and every minute I spend in that place, seeing that way, makes it more and more difficult to come back out of it. They tie me to the seat they built so I have no choice. When they light the incense, the smoke pulls me into it. They do it because they want to know the future. Oyaku-san thinks that if they keep dragging me into the waking dream I’ll say something useful and for all I know, I have. He wants power to control the world and since he only was able to find me instead of both of us, this was the best he could do.
“Usually they keep me like that for a few hours and that’s bad enough. But when I ran away for the fourth time, Oyaku-san decided I needed to understand that my actions have consequences. He locked me in there, Jin. He… they…” and he took a deep breath to keep his hold on the calm he was clinging to before continuing, “They trapped me in the waking dream for a week. No food, no sleep… just an unending parade of visions and… and…
“I wasn’t right for a long time after that. I was seeing things that weren’t there. I had nightmares of futures that might never occur. I was hounded constantly by the dead and the never-was. I screamed and I screamed and it wouldn’t stop, not for three months. I even tried to kill myself, or was about to anyway, but one of Oyaku-san’s men found me and stopped it. Oyaku-san was so angry with me. He said that if I tried to escape again - either by leaving the shrine or ending my life - he’d trap me in the waking dream for so long I’d never be right again.
“What if you never came to the shrine? What if you’re not real but just a phantom born of desire and the raw stuff of the waking dream? What if I just wanted to see you so much, to hold you and have you take me away from all of this, that I…”
“Stop. Stop right there, Kazuya, and listen to me,” but Jin’s tone was loving, not harsh. “This is real. I’m here, with you. I’ll be with you when you fall asleep and still with you when you wake up. Do you trust me?”
“I do.” And it was true. He trusted Jin completely, even the parts of him that otherwise weren’t able to trust at all.
“Then if you’re not sure you can trust your own eyes, trust mine.”
“Oh, Jin…” and despite the danger they were in, for that moment Kazuya really was happy Jin showed up at the shrine’s doorstep. Having only the dream of a memory might have been safest for everyone involved but would he ever really have been satisfied with that?
No. No, some part of him always knew this had to happen. They were going to meet no matter what. If this really was happening and they could escape the shrine, was it wrong to enjoy this time with Jin? To stop worrying about the rest of the world and be happy for a while?
Though for how long that would last really depended on how fast they could travel.
And though he could stay in Jin’s arms like that for an eternity, Oyaku-san wouldn’t give them that long. They had to eat and then get moving.
+++
As the two of them ate a brief breakfast, Jin’s heart was breaking. Even though Kazuya’s voice had been calm, Jin could see just how deeply the experience had affected him. He couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to lose his grip on reality so completely for just one day, let alone for months.
It was disturbing what some people would do for power. Oyaku would fit right in at the capital.
After they finished breakfast, Jin pulled out the old map Kazuya had stolen for him. For a good half hour or so the two of them tried in vain to figure out where they ended up. Kazuya was pretty sure they’d gone north to start with but admitted that changing course to cut through the forest completely shot his sense of direction.
If he had been thinking, he would have asked the bear. It was his experience that animals usually had a good sense of direction.
Eventually they gave up on the map and just picked a direction at random, hoping it wasn’t the way they had come from, though to be perfectly honest it might very well have been. Next time they make camp, Jin was going to mark the ground or something so they wouldn’t have to worry about which direction they came from.
At first they walked silently, but it didn’t take long for that to end. Jin wanted to know more about the mess he was caught up in and about Kazuya and for once he didn’t have to worry about being overheard. “Ne, Kazuya…” he started hesitantly, “Oyaku and the others at the shrine… Who are they really? How did they find you? For that matter, how did I? Because judging from that map, I’d say there was a huge distance between where I last remembered being and where that shrine is.”
“I’ll tell you what I know,” Kazuya sighed, “But there’s still so much I don’t. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really as powerful as Oyaku-san believes… but that’s beside the point.” He shook his head and didn’t say anything for a few moments like he was trying to find the words. But finally he asked, “Have you ever dreamed of a life you don’t remember living?”
“Not that I can recall but ever since I met you, I felt like we must have known each other in another life,” Jin responded.
“I dreamed of you since the very first of my days. Or, at least, the very first of the days I remember. The truth of the matter is, I don’t know anything of my life before two years ago. According to Oyaku-san, there’s a prophecy that tells of our birth - that the two of us will be born with great powers and that together our power can change the world. The men he leads are just the most recent group of people trying to exploit that power. Others have charted mine and your birth for generations as best as they could so their descendants can find us whenever we’re reborn.”
“How does that make you forget your whole life?” Jin was fascinated by the story even as he hated what had come of it so far.
“Oyaku-san did that. Apparently the price of making me remember myself and my power destroyed every connection I had to the life I lived before he found me and kidnapped me. Actually, I could have come with him willingly; I just don’t know. Maybe I somehow earned my fate…”
Jin seriously doubted that. “But you said the waking dream has the past, present, and all of the futures in it, right? Couldn’t you find out all you’ve forgotten that way?”
“I know the answers are in there and if I had better control, I would seek them out. I’d find whatever I have to do to keep the world safe from Oyaku-san’s ambition and I’d find the path that gets me a full life in your arms.” These words made Jin smile as he realized how much he wanted that, too. He wished he could walk hand-in-hand with Kazuya but the forest wasn’t really suited for that. But then Jin realized Kazuya was still talking so he swallowed his desires and focused on the journey and Kazuya’s words.
“…and it’s just so difficult to find one answer amidst countless simultaneous realities and non-realities. And while on some level I do remember what I see in the waking dream, it’s just like any other remembered dream - hazy and difficult to find sense within once firmly without. That incense they use doesn’t help, either. Oyaku-san believes I have the ability to enter the waking dream at will but he’d rather rape my mind because it’s easier for him than dealing with me properly.”
Kazuya chuckled darkly. “But the incense hurts him, too. I can’t look for what he wants like that so he has to just take whatever I give him. My deepest desire, aside from finally being with you, is that everything Oyaku-san did to me was of no benefit to him whatsoever. I’d rather live a completely pointless life than help that man change the world.”
Jin didn’t know what to say to that, so he said nothing and they lapsed into silence again. It was just as well; the exertion of such sustained traveling, even with the lessened pace as they tried to pick a path around the underbrush, made chatting a luxury they would have to do without for a while. They couldn’t really stop, not yet. Not until they got enough distance between themselves and the shrine.
That tree looked awfully familiar, though.
No, they had gone more or less straight so it wasn’t possible. Those two trees were not the same ones. They couldn’t be. Besides, none of the rest of what was around them seemed familiar.
Still… should he say something to Kazuya about it?
He came down on the side of no. There was no reason to worry Kazuya over his irrational anxieties. But the further they went, the more their surroundings seemed familiar and Jin had to admit they’d somehow circled around. What other explanation could there be?
Apparently Kazuya thought so, too. Jin had been doing his best to walk in front of Kazuya to spare him the worst brunt of the sticks and other vegetation that were snagging his clothes and scratching his skin but when Kazuya put a hand on his shoulder, Jin stopped and turned to face him.
“We’ve been here before, haven’t we?” was all Kazuya asked.
“I think so…”
“Let’s try that way,” and Kazuya pointed towards the thickest of the underbrush. “It’s pretty obvious we didn’t go that way before.”
“For a reason. Going that way will slow us down even more.”
“But being lost won’t?”
Jin couldn’t argue with that logic. “Okay, let’s go that way.”
Picking their way through took over an hour but the brush did eventually thin out. By then, it was getting dark. Jin and Kazuya both were exhausted and scratched up horribly. But even with all of the problems of the day and all of the problems they had yet to face on their journey, Kazuya looked at him with perfect trust. Not one person in Jin’s life up until now ever had so much faith in him. He hoped he didn’t disappoint.
After they ate dinner, Jin took stock of their supplies. Kazuya hadn’t exactly packed for two. They had already gone through half of the dried fruit and though they hadn’t touched the dried deer meat, there wasn’t a whole lot of it to begin with. The water situation was a bit more worrisome. By Jin’s best guess, they’d run out in two more days. There had to be water somewhere; the animals had to drink, after all.
That night was colder but Jin didn’t make a fire. It would be very easy for it to spread and burn the forest down and them with it. Instead, he held Kazuya close to share the warmth between themselves.
Though Jin was pretty sure they’d sleep in each others’ arms even if it wasn’t so cold. Something in it just felt natural and so right. And when Kazuya started running his hand idly down Jin’s side, even if there were layers of fabric preventing full skin-on-skin contact, it still made Jin shiver.
Which seemed to make Kazuya realize what he was doing because he suddenly stopped and pulled his hand away. “Oh, I… sorry, I… shouldn’t without… well, it’s like habit to me but you may not want-”
But Jin interrupted him with, “Please tell me there’s no possible future that ever could exist where I wouldn’t want you to touch me.” Kazuya didn’t respond, so Jin reluctantly continued with, “But as much as I like it, if we’re going to travel tomorrow then we best go to sleep.”
Even if he very much wanted to continue.
+++
Kazuya rolled in Jin’s arms so Jin could pull him even closer. He could feel Jin pressed against his back and Jin’s breath tickled the nape of his neck. Jin’s hand on his stomach was comforting and, unlike the night before, Kazuya had no difficulty falling asleep. Despite losing their way, he felt safe - something he couldn’t ever remember feeling before - with those arms wrapped around him.
Oh, he’d wanted this for so long and when Jin showed up at the shrine it was so hard to keep his distance. And their first night on the run, they were so exhausted and scared (well, he was scared but Jin was so brave!) that he didn’t really get to appreciate it. But now he could.
Though morning came too soon, like it always does.
Jin was still asleep when Kazuya pushed himself up to sit. Very carefully he untangled himself from Jin’s grip trying hard to not wake him up. He was congratulating himself on a job well done when he heard a noise coming from the direction of their packs and lantern.
A grey, furry rear end was protruding from their pack. Whatever it was wasn’t too tall. What was a dog doing out this far from…
Wait, was that a wolf?
Oh, no, that was definitely a wolf…
A wolf which was at that moment digging through their supplies.
As quietly as he could, Kazuya started shaking Jin, trying to wake him. After what he saw yesterday with Jin and the bear, he decided they’re much more likely to get their stuff back from the wolf if Jin handled that. He wasn’t so much afraid of the wolf like he’d been with the bear, but in all fairness, the bear was much bigger and closer and who wouldn’t have been scared and why wasn’t Jin waking up?! “Jin! Jin!”
The wolf stopped rooting through their stuff and raised his head to look in their direction. It was gnawing on something, probably a piece of dried meat since as far as Kazuya knew, wolves didn’t eat fruit. Once it swallowed the food it barked at him, like a dog.
Jin finally rolled over and sleepily mumbled, “Why? What’s wrong with it? What do you do to your meat, Kazuya?”
“That wasn’t me, Jin.”
“Huh?” and Jin sat up, yawning. “What do you mean-”
The wolf barked again.
“Ookami-sama?” Jin asked.
“Yeah,” was all Kazuya could say in response.
“Did you ask him what he wants?” But Jin seemed to realize the problem with what he was saying. “Oh, I’m sorry. Talking to the wolf is like talking to the bear, isn’t it? People don’t do that…”
Kazuya smiled at Jin as he shook his head, “Not so much. Can you ask him not to eat me while I get our pack?”
The wolf snorted and padded towards them. Jin held his hand out for the wolf to sniff while Kazuya - giving it a wide berth in case it decided to attack them after all - circled around to repack their supplies. By the time he was done with that, Jin was chatting amiably with the wolf. To Kazuya, all the sounds the wolf made were pretty much the same but Jin wasn’t having that problem at all. Jin told the wolf about being on the run and warned that they might be followed, just like he had told the bear before.
Watching the two of them together, it was easy to forget that the wolf was a predator and not some pet. But Jin really did seem amazing in that moment. Kazuya could feel Jin’s quiet power. He knew Jin could do more than talk to animals but this was really the first opportunity to watch him confidently using one of his abilities without any real grasp of how special the fact he could do it was. Kazuya had no doubt Jin really thought everyone could do this until now.
It made him more determined to get Jin as far away from the shrine as possible. He couldn’t let Oyaku-san pervert any of Jin’s gifts the way he had Kazuya’s.
Jin’s voice addressing him brought Kazuya out of his thoughts, “He says he can show us to a place that stinks of human meddling. He says there’s a river and a cave and that even though there hasn’t been a human there in a long time, everything a wolf needs to survive for years is there.”
“Can we survive on what a wolf does?”
“It’s food and water and it’s not the shrine. Everything else can we can work out when we get there, right?”
He had a good point.
The wolf had a pretty poor sense of a human’s ability to slip between thorny branches and found their attempts funny, at least according to Jin who started translating everything the wolf said to him after whining at the beast for saying they were clumsier than a pup. It took a couple hours but Kazuya did eventually stop worrying about the wolf. It really seemed to have no desire to attack them after all.
Though Kazuya suspected the story would be different if Jin weren’t around.
Jin asked the wolf why he was traveling without a pack but the wolf didn’t want to talk about that, it seemed.
About halfway through the day, the trees thinned out considerably and Kazuya could hear the sound of a small waterfall not far away. It was initially hard to see the cave entrance as it was hidden partially by the falling water and didn’t look all that big but when they got really close, they realized the cave was a lot larger than it seemed.
The wolf said that the prey food was on top of the cliff. According to Jin, it said they should be able to find plenty of rodents and hares to eat there since - no offense - their claws just weren’t sharp enough for taking down a boar and they weren’t fast enough for deer and those rabbits were stupidly slow once they were stuffed. Apparently, most predators avoided the area around and above the cave so the rabbit were arrogantly lazy up there. The wolf wouldn’t say why the predators avoided the place but instead added that the cave was uninhabited by anything worthwhile.
Kazuya had to admit, it was interesting hearing things from the perspective of a wolf (albeit filtered through Jin). When it excused itself, Jin offered it the rest of their dried meat since escorting them deprived the beast of valuable hunting time but the wolf snorted and refused with some rather disparaging remarks about the taste. Apparently wolves just weren’t big on cooked, salted, or dried meats.
“Before it leaves, could you tell it I said thank you for bringing us here?” Kazuya asked.
Jin shook his head while the wolf just snorted again. “No need. He can understand you just fine.” And with one final bark, the wolf took off.
Jin sighed. “I guess we do make pretty pitiful figures out in the wilds…”
“Any idea how to catch a rabbit? I’ve never had to catch my own food.”
“No. But maybe we can eat what the rabbits eat.”
Kazuya and Jin spent most of the rest of the day exploring the area. The cliff with the waterfall was the roughly the height of four humans but it sloped downward on either side within fifteen minutes of walking. The cave was dark but was big enough to make a fire and the slant of the ceiling would funnel the smoke out instead of building a huge cloud above them.
The prey food the wolf spoke of turned out to be weed-filled vegetable gardens. Humans had cleared the area on top of the falls on both sides of the river, so there was actually a lot of open space. When they found the burned and overgrown remains of a building up there, Kazuya decided it was probably a good thing the area had been so sparse compared to the rest of the forest or that fire would have done serious damage. The building had obviously not been inhabited for generations but the strange thing was that the gardens had been tended to much more recently.
Though neither he nor Jin had much experience gardening, Kazuya wasn’t afraid of hard work. Compared to the shrine, this place was a paradise. It really did have everything they would need to survive. It was peaceful like the shrine should have been. He could see himself staying there… as long as Jin was with him, he didn’t need much else.
Were they far enough away to be safe? Would Oyaku-san track them here?
Would Jin be satisfied staying here, having only Kazuya for company? It was a far cry from what he had at the capital or even what they had at the shrine. Would it be enough?
Would he be enough?
It was nearly dark by the time they gathered enough dried limbs to make a fire. Jin was really good at coaxing the flames so it didn’t take long to get it going.
As they ate the last of their packed fruit, Kazuya felt an overwhelming sense of relief. He hadn’t sent them into the wild to die after all. They were going to be okay.
+++
This place was perfect. They had water. They had food, though it would take some effort on his part - something he was happy to do for Kazuya - and shelter. It was in the middle of nowhere with no relatives to judge him and no ambitious men to take advantage of them. He could see himself staying there.
As long as he had Kazuya, that was.
But would Kazuya be satisfied with no other company? He wanted to ask but he was afraid of the answer. After they ate he just sat there, trying to figure out the best way to bring it up.
He was so distracted by his thought that he was barely aware of Kazuya scooting closer to him until he reached a hand out to caress Jin’s cheek. Jin’s breath caught in his throat and he closed his eyes. “Kazuya…”
Jin could feel Kazuya’s hand flinch for the briefest instant but he must have found some confidence because he didn’t pull away. Instead, he moved closer and Jin finally got to taste those lips again. Oh, it was just as amazing as their first two brief kisses - sweet and hot and perfect and full of so much longing. If he ever wondered whether Kazuya wanted him just as much as he wanted Kazuya, this pretty much proved it. He could taste it in that kiss. And this time they didn’t have to worry about being seen or about escaping. This time, they could just enjoy it.
When Kazuya moaned into the kiss, Jin pulled him even closer until Kazuya was practically straddling his lap and when the kiss finally ended, Kazuya whispered, “Please, Jin… while there’s still flame enough to see you, take me. For two years I’ve dreamed of doing this. I need you. Touch me, Jin… Make me yours…”
The words were going straight to his heart and his groin and both parts of him seemed in perfect agreement in that moment. He responded by leaning forward, carefully laying Kazuya down on the stone floor of the cave. It didn’t take long to open Kazuya’s robe and remove his sashinuki. The sight of the flawless chest and the beautiful paleness of his skin only increased Jin’s desire for him.
Kazuya’s hands sought the bindings to Jin’s clothes but Jin didn’t make it easy for him by pressing kiss after kiss on Kazuya’s throat and flicking his tongue slowly along Kazuya’s collarbones. He reveled in even the smallest whimpers and moans he pulled from Kazuya.
But when Kazuya finally got Jin’s robe open and his pants out of the way, the advantage shifted and suddenly Jin was the one unable to control his reactions. The feel of his fingertips as they brushed deftly down Jin’s side was electric. It wasn’t like this was his first time with someone but he couldn’t ever remember it feeling like this before. Kazuya seemed to know exactly where to touch him.
Finally Jin could stand no more teasing and Kazuya seemed of like mind. He grabbed Kazuya’s wrists and pinned them gently above his head as he positioned himself properly between Kazuya’s legs. Jin brought his lips to the rim of Kazuya’s ear, darting his tongue along it and then nipping at his earbud. Huskily he whispered, “You’ve always been mine, Kazuya. Let me show you…”
Kazuya’s pleasured whimper as Jin slowly filled him made every difficult or painful or frustrating moment since he left the capital worth it. To get to hear that sound - one he didn’t know he wanted but that completed him in so many ways - he would endure the worst of those times again and again if he had to. They fit together so perfectly.
They really were made for each other, weren’t they?
After giving Kazuya a moment to adjust, Jin started moving. Kazuya’s eyes fluttered closed and he whispered back to Jin, “I love you with all of me. I give every bit of myself to you, for now and for always.”
The two of them made love until even the fire burned out and beyond. And when they couldn’t see each other anymore, they trusted in each other’s touches until they finally came together. Exhaustedly they pulled their robes back closed to ward off the night’s chill and Jin fell asleep with Kazuya snuggled tightly to his chest.
The next few days were busy ones. They pulled weeds from the gardens. They searched for dry fallen limbs to use as firewood. Jin found the perfect stone to make an axe though it took a while to chip it against other rocks to get a sharp edge. Though it was a bit more crudely done, he also chipped another one to a point for smaller jobs such as slicing plant stems.
When the wolf came to visit them two days in, he brought a partial deer carcass for them, killed so recently it was still slightly warm. He said it was because he was worried still because they were more helpless than most pups. When Kazuya tried to cook it, the wolf (which Jin had taken to calling Tanaka because he sounded like a Tanaka in Jin’s opinion) told him off. He seemed to scare Kazuya and if Jin believed the wolf was a threat he wouldn’t find it so funny but since he knew Tanaka wasn’t going to hurt them, all he could do was laugh.
While Kazuya glared at him, Jin explained that for humans it was better that way. Tanaka was incredulous but finally snorted and allowed Kazuya to cook the meat. Jin scratched him behind the ear and thanked him for helping so much. Somehow, he knew this wolf was no ordinary animal and that some spirit had chosen to watch over them.
Things were going so well. They were on nobody’s time but their own which was good because the sight of Kazuya on his knees weeding the garden was arousing enough that Jin took him right there in the garden in the middle of the day while Kazuya screamed his name in ecstasy. Back at Heian-kyo nobody would dare be so loud. Discretion was highly valued and it would be unseemly. Jin decided this way was much better.
Another night, right after Jin built a fire, Kazuya all but dragged him just as far away from the flames as he had to for safety reasons, pushed him down onto his back, and climbed on top of him. The image of Kazuya moving above him, riding him, with his robe falling slightly open to show a line of white skin, was one Jin knew he’d never forget. Just like his smile.
Oh, he loved that smile…
+++
The end of their paradise came entirely too soon. They had been living there for almost a week and had gotten complacent. Kazuya really believed they were far enough away that Oyaku-san would never find them. He allowed his guard to drop and let himself be distracted by his happiness.
But when Tanaka (Jin had named the wolf) suddenly appeared in the cave at the edge of the fire’s glow and started barking and growling, Jin tensed and then his grip on Kazuya tightened to the point it was painful.
“Jin, what’s wrong? What does he say?” Kazuya asked, trying to read Jin’s expression in the low light.
As Tanaka took off, Jin said, “We’re…” and his voice was shaking and he seemed to be having trouble getting words out at all, “We’re trapped. People… a couple dozen… flanking… surrounded… just a few minutes… No way for two to slip through… Get behind me! Quickly! Tanaka says he’ll try to stop them but there’s so many and he’s packless and… I’ll… they’ll have to go through me first… where’s that dagger-stone? Where’s… Kazuya, please, get behind me! I mean it!”
Kazuya snatched up the dagger-stone and was going to hand it to Jin but a pain-filled howl rang out and then suddenly stopped. Even in such low light, Kazuya could see Jin’s expression which was terrified - not for himself but for Kazuya - and with that Kazuya knew the wolf was dead and Oyaku’s men would have them in mere moments…
And he knew what he had to do.
He spoke quickly as he said, “Jin, they can’t get us both. Your power is already showing naturally and Oyaku-san will drag it the rest of the way out of you. He will twist the two of us and use us to change the course of history, and it will mean the end of the world, an end bathed in fire and blood and hate.”
“I won’t let-” Jin started.
Kazuya interrupted him. “We can’t take so many and expect to win, Jin. You may kill a few but not two dozen.”
“Kazu-”
“Even in the best conditions, the cherry blossoms last mere days. What right have we to demand more for ourselves? Those shine brightest that shine briefest, Jin…” and Kazuya was crying, “I can’t let them take us both now that they know who you are and I can’t go through the punishment Oyaku-san has promised me.”
“But-”
“I can’t hurt you. I could never hurt you so this is how it has to be.” Kazuya took a deep breath. “Don’t let them take you, Jin. Whatever happens, don’t let them take you. Never forget I love you.”
And with that, Kazuya drove the sharpened dagger-stone into his heart with all his might.
+++
Jin cried out but it was too late. Kazuya slumped forward and no amount of shouting on Jin’s part was going to change anything that was happening. He pulled the dagger out of his lover and whispered a goodbye even though he knew Kazuya could no longer hear it.
He would follow Kazuya.
Eventually.
First he had a promise to keep.
He would burn them down, every one of them and their precious shrine, too. Somehow, he knew he’d be able to call up the flames he needed. He couldn’t have done it before but Kazuya’s sacrifice opened a fiery bloom at the heart of him, flooding him with power that he previously couldn’t reach but that had always been his.
He refused to speak to Oyaku or his men when they dragged him back to their temporary camp. He didn’t speak when they tied him to a tree or when they rudely woke him in the morning or during the days it took to travel back hrough the woods to the shrine.
But once they were back at the shrine, he finally asked, “How did you find us?”
Oyaku answered, “Kazuya told me days before you left.”
“What do you mean?”
“Did you not know that cave is called Cat’s Paw Cave, Akanishi? That’s been its name ever since my grandfather’s grandfather destroyed all seven shrines of the Nanabai Tousha where the cave stands.”
At first he was confused and wondered how Oyaku knew his name but then Jin suddenly remember Kazuya’s words: The Sun to my Moon rises red from the west and the Moon shall be consumed in the fires of a backward Sun by the paw of the stone cat.
Red…
Aka…
West…
Nishi...
His name was hidden in Kazuya’s puzzling words all along. He was the Sun, wasn't he? He was the one that convinced Kazuya to leave the shrine. He was the one who suggested they leave the roads and cross the forest and the one who trusted a wolf to show them to shelter. He led Kazuya to his end.
It was okay, though. He was going to burn along with Oyaku and his men. Hopefully with that he would atone for his naivety.
Jin died in dark laughter and flames but he took all of them with him. Every man, stick, and stone from the gate to the tiny building at the back. They were gone and so was he.
But he burned brightly while he lasted.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A/N: Another tragic end. I think they got the longest together so far in this one, at least. Even if they couldn't be fully together for some of those first days. Here's some nifty tidbit of trivia and history:
1.) Locations... Heian-kyo is now Kyoto but it was the capital during the Heian period (794-1185). Kouya-san is a real place, too. The shrine where Kazuya lives is actually the shrine from "By Fire" that Kazuko fled. The original society that existed in that first story died off in some cataclysm and I guess later inhabitants built their shrine on top of it and so on through the ages. That's what Kazuya means when he says "before our ancestors" if that line is still here and not edited out LOL. The Cat's Paw Cave is behind the waterfall at the sun shrine at the Nanabai Tousha which is the early-Shinto-ish shrine in "By Sword" and, yes, that's the same little waterfall Jin was lulled to sleep listening to in the beginning of that story.
2.) The culture of the aristocrats was pretty much built around beauty and it's all really, really complicated. I had a bunch of nifty links to share but my browser glitched and when I reopened it none of my tabs were there (I nearly cried, I swear). Apparently I had those research sources open for so long but I never realized I didn't actually bookmark them. So everything I'm typing here is from my three and a half pages of handwritten notes. Seriously, google search for Heian era Japan sometime. There's a lot of information out there and it's all fascinating. For example, virginity was not prized and staying a virgin for too long generally meant demonic possession. Even with all the immorality (some disparaging remarks about the morality and masculinity of that period of time in Japan are easy to find), they didn't like nudity. That's why in the story they only open their robes for sex instead of stripping nude. That was apparently more the way of things. Oh, and men were allowed multiple wives but married couples don't live together and the woman stays in the home of her parents. Men tended to live till about 32-33 and women to 27-28 and 54% of deaths were by tuberculosis. Both men and women made perfumes. Bathing didn't really happen.
3.) While you're doing your googling, you might wanna look up the rank system. Emperer at the top, naturally, but it gets a little more complicated from there. Your rank decided so much about you and there were laws over the tiniest things. Different ranks had to have different number of folds in their fans, for example.
4.) The jade comb appears for like half a second but nothing really comes of it in this story. It's just important for later stories that you know it's there or more importantly that it basically has disappeared again. I hope I've started to hint at certain truths about why Kazuya and Jin are special but if you wanna know exactly what they are you'll have to wait another story or two.
5.) Hadn't intended to name the wolf but decided Jin should name him Tanaka in honor of my continued love and support for Koki even if he's not in KAT-TUN anymore. Having decided to do that, I realize it actually dovetails nicely with something else later so,hey, double awesome.
6.) Oyaku's name... Now, yaku ( 厄 ) means "misfortune" or "bad luck" as I know from my studies since it's a kanji I've already learned. So I figured Oyaku would be good because the O is an honorific (though in all fairness, I probably should use "go" prefix since I'm pretty sure that "yaku" is the on'yomi reading but work with me here, okay?). Of course, the next step was making sure that "oyaku" didn't have some other unsuitable meaning. Usually I do this by trying to make sure the word isn't any real thing and my search on jisho.org yielded no results, so I patted myself on the back and decided to use the name. But then I noticed that I had "common words only" checked and decided I better uncheck it and run the search again. And it turns out that oyaku ( 御厄 ) is an outdated term for smallpox or variola. Apparently the now-common term for smallpox is tennentou ( 天然痘 ). Now, I know that Jin had the flu (I never said so but that’s what he had) which is not the same thing as smallpox but still, it makes the name seem more fitting anyway LOL. Just a quirk I thought you guys might enjoy knowing.
7.) The honshu wolf is now extinct. Though some people say it's not but rather just really rarely seen. Japanese views on wolves are pretty interesting too. Also, the bear in the story is an asiatic black bear or whatever you call 'em. They're apparently much more vicious than other varieties of black bears. Wolves usually travel in nuclear family packs but Tanaka is an exception and you don't find out why till later story so please forgive.
8.) The story takes place somewhere between the years of 819 (when the monastery at Kouya-san was founded) and 858 (Emperor Seiwa and the start of the Fujiwara who get really frigging powerful)
8.) If I've forgotten anything, I apologize. There was a lot of history for this one and I tried to follow it as much as possible but I'm sure the're little things (can Jin think of a touch as "electric" when there's no such thing as "electricity" is just an example of the level I'm talking about as far as historical innacuracy).
9.) Oh, and the clothes... http://www.iz2.or.jp/english/index.htm This has some pictures of dolls in historic clothing and it points out the different parts and gives their names. Enjoy.