(Untitled)

[aisling87]

 
Happiness in a bottle.

I didn't have much time to work on this this week -- therefore it makes little sense.

Comments

[wierdauntie]

Wooo! Amazing. I especially like this line:
To him it sounded like a raindrop in a bucket. Or a marble dropped to the cement by some child's clumsy hand. Pel wanted a name that was like a lion roaring. He wanted a name like thunder shaking dust off the mountains.

Awesome!

[aisling87]

:) Thank you for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed it; I know I had fun writing it!

[nebula_sprout]

I like the style of this, how the main story is framed between the lines of almost-nonsense.

[aisling87]

:) Thank you. I'm glad you liked it!

[attentionhoard]

You. Are. So. Awesome! I absolutely love reading your entries- you are such a talented writer but even more so, a creative force; nice work this week!

Every so often there is a sentence that strikes me; whether from structure or word choice, and I can't really articulate why. You've written one of those here:

Pel wanted a name that was like a lion roaring.

[aisling87]

*laughs* You always make me smile. :) I'm glad you liked this -- I had a lot of fun writing it!

[jamais_toujours]

I love this! It's a beautiful piece.

[aisling87]

Thank you! :)

Edits!

[jamais_toujours]

Heya, I'm one of your editor's for this week :).

As I've already commented above, I really enjoyed this piece. The descriptions are great (My favourite one being "he wanted a name like thunder shaking dust off the mountains") and although the first and last paragraph make little sense, they seem to tie in perfectly with the story. Pel's story has the qualities of an ancient legend, and your tone is spot on for it.

I've read through the piece a couple of times, and can't find any errors mechanics-wise.

Great job and great piece :).

Re: Edits!

[aisling87]

:) I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for the edits -- I had a lot of fun with this one.