[PG] Daydream [EXO] (2/3)
Title: Daydream
Author: airplanewishes
Fandom: EXO
Characters: Chen/Suho, Kyungsoo/Suho
Genre: Romance, Friendship, Fluff
Rating: PG
WC: 16,440
Summary: Suho was the daydream and Junmyeon was the dream.
Notes: Another side-story, the last one, to Someday Dream, but can be read alone. :)
Thank you to my beta, khrysallis1106 for her patience! ily forever ♥
Daydream Part 2
Part 1
-
Jongdae threw the hood of his sweater over his capped head. With news of his new album comeback, fans had started to become keener about his whereabouts, therefore catching him out and about in the city more often than they normally would. He’d always thought that he was good at disguising himself and acting normal in public. Still, there were still days when he’d slip and fans would come after him and Kyungsoo or Baekhyun or Lu Han would have to lock up and stop work for a while just to accommodate him until the fans get tired and leave.
He jumped a bit when he felt his mobile phone vibrate in his pocket. Shaking his head and silently laughing at himself, he took his phone out. It was his manager, asking him again where he was and whether he wanted to start dance rehearsals that evening.
Dance rehearsals meant facing Suho, with his newly dyed hair, and actually talking to him again.
He wasn’t really sure why he was avoiding Suho and prolonging something that was inevitable. He and Suho were going to work again together and he was going to have to speak to him, whether he wanted to or not. The problem wasn’t that he didn’t want to. It was that he badly wanted to. However, there was an uncertainty in him that he couldn’t shake. He should be happy that Suho was here, that they would be working again, because that could mean that there’s a possibility of them continuing where they left of. But what if Suho didn’t want to? What if he had moved on? Three months is already a long time to be away and move on from someone.
Let’s start rehearsals tomorrow.
Jongdae pocketed his phone after sending his reply and took a deep breath. There was no harm in prolonging the agony a tiny bit further. For now, he wanted to hang out with his friends and relax. He was pretty sure that he’d cheer up in no time. Baekhyun alone was hilarious company.
He scanned for his friends when he’d entered the café, pulling his collar up just so he could hide his face further. Fans knew that he frequented this coffee shop often because he was friends with the owner and they normally never bothered him there, but there were too many people, and he didn’t want to take chances.
“Jongdae!” Baekhyun’s voice carried above the crowd’s noise and he made his way through the maze of chairs and tables to a place in the corner near the counter where they usually sat. It was a place that Kyungsoo reserved for them because he said that it was much easier for him to get back to work that way.
“Hey!” Jongdae greeted, taking a seat in between Baekhyun and Lu Han. Kyungsoo was seated across from the, beside an empty seat, which Jongdae had just noticed. “Oh, should I sit there?” He moved to stand.
Kyungsoo shook his head, while Baekhyun touched his arm to make him sit back down.
“Kyungsoo’s brought the famous Junmyeon over for us to meet,” Baekhyun informed him, a smile gracing his pretty face. “Finally.”
Jongdae raised an approving eyebrow at Kyungsoo. He knew that Kyungsoo had been seeing this Junmyeon for weeks and not once had he given a hint of ever letting them know who he was. He figured that Kyungsoo must really like the guy because he’d allow him to get past that wall and allowed him to get into his circle of friends.
“So he does exist,” Jongdae stated and reached across the table to pat Kyungsoo’s hand. “I’m impressed.” Baekhyun and Lu Han didn’t even bother suppressing their laughter.
Kyungsoo slapped Jongdae’s hand in return. “Be nice to him, Jongdae,” he demanded.
Jongdae blinked. Okay, so maybe Kyungsoo really liked the guy. “Hey, I’m always nice,” he said defensively.
“That’s what Lu Han said and he interrogated Junmyeon the moment we sat down,” Kyungsoo glared at Lu Han, who gave him a prim smile.
“I don’t just allow anyone to date my best friends,” Lu Han declared stoutly.
“How sweet,” Baekhyun giggled and Lu Han reached across Jongdae to smack the back of his head. “He seems really nice, though,” he told Jongdae, rubbing the back of his head and winking at Kyungsoo, who blushed. “Very smiley.”
“Hmm,” Jongdae muttered as he went through the menu on the table, deciding on what to eat. “You did always have a thing for smiley guys.”
“Like you, right?” Lu Han teased and Baekhyun guffawed.
Jongdae looked up and met Kyungsoo’s eyes. They flushed simultaneously as both remembered that time when Jongdae asked Kyungsoo out back in university. Jongdae couldn’t really remember anymore what was going through his head that he actually had a crush on Kyungsoo. It was a strange time in his life.
“It was one date,” Kyungsoo emphasized on one.
“You really do have good taste in guys,” Jongdae nodded approvingly, a catlike smirk painted on his face. “I believe you now.”
“Shut up,” Kyungsoo snapped, glaring at both Lu Han and Baekhyun, who was almost making a display of their laughter. He opened his mouth to say some more things that Jongdae would have loved to spar with, but Lu Han and Baekhyun had both looked up, making Kyungsoo turn around.
It was probably best that everyone’s attention was away from him, especially Kyungsoo’s, because he was pretty sure that questions would arise if they’d only seen the blood draining from his face as he saw Suho approach their table.
The first thing that went through his head was that no one knew where he was going that afternoon. He’d made a point of not telling his manager because he didn’t want to be followed and found and coerced to go to work. He’d specifically blocked out his whole afternoon for that day because Kyungsoo wanted to get together. It was something he always did when his friends asked.
So he really wasn’t sure why Suho knew he was there. And now Jongdae was with his friends and he’d be forced to introduce them and then they’d all know that he’d never really been over Suho and the little love affair they had in LA.
He took a deep breath and opened his mouth to say hi and introduce Suho to his friends, a forced smile on his face, but Kyungsoo beat him to it.
“Junmyeon,” Kyungsoo tugged Suho to take the empty seat beside his. “This is Jongdae, my third best friend.” He turned to Jongdae, who was stunned out of his mind that it didn’t even register to his brain that Kyungsoo was ribbing him. “Jongdae, this is Junmyeon.”
“It’s nice to meet you,” Suho greeted him.
Jongdae wasn’t sure how he managed it, but he lifted his hand and shook Suho’s-no, Junmyeon’s-hand and smiled like he was happy to meet him, which he was, but he had sorely hoped it wasn’t in these circumstances.
Suho smiled at him and, though it wasn’t obvious because Suho had that quality of smiling through anything, Jongdae could tell that he was shaken and uncomfortable. Jongdae wondered how much of those feelings were because of Jongdae or because of Kyungsoo. Jongdae decided he’d rather not think about it.
“I should go,” Jongdae then suddenly announced, pushing his seat back.
“You just got here,” Baekhyun pointed out, brows furrowed. There was more he wanted to say, but Jongdae gripped his hand under the table to stop him and Baekhyun shut his mouth right then, confused.
“Did you get called at work?” Kyungsoo asked, clearly disappointed that Jongdae was leaving so soon.
“Yeah,” Jongdae absently responded, ignoring the questioning gazes that both Lu Han and Baekhyun shot at him. “Work. Rehearsals. For the dance of my new song.” He smiled tightly as he turned to Suho. “It was nice to meet you, Junmyeon.” He bowed then hurried out of the café.
Jongdae took deep breaths once he was out in the street.
Jongdae was screaming in confusion in his head. All this time, Kyungsoo was actually dating Suho. Kyungsoo was with Suho. With Suho. No matter how many times he tried to make sense of it in the few short minutes of garnering this new, very mocking, piece of information, he just couldn’t comprehend it. Kyungsoo was seeing Suho. Suho was dating Kyungsoo. Suho was dating his best friend. Suho was-
Suho, the guy he’d fallen for in LA, was Junmyeon. Junmyeon was dating Kyungsoo, one of his best friends in the world. Suho was with Kyungsoo.
He walked around, dazed, repeating everything in his head.
How was this possible? Out of everyone in the world, why did the one he thought was meant for him actually be meant for his best friend? Did that mean that the thing that he and Suho had was just something temporary, something that was just meant to make him feel alive for a moment, and then nothing more?
How could this happen? How?
When he’d reached the company, two hours later, he went straight to the practice room, hoping to dance everything he was feeling away. Or, at the very least, laugh his feelings away. His dancing tended to have the laughing effect, after all.
As he entered, he took his sweater off, leaving on a black shirt, resolved on forgetting, even just for a while, whatever it was that had just happened.
It was only when he’d looked up at the mirror that he realized that he wasn’t alone.
The blood drained from his face once more and his heart beat too fast in his chest when Suho stood in front of him with an expression that he could only interpret as regretful. And that wasn’t what he wanted from Suho.
“Jongdae,” Suho began uncertainly.
Jongdae hurriedly thought for a moment about what he should do, how he should act and what he should say. He really wasn’t prepared to see Suho so soon after the earlier…event. He left because he needed time to process things and figure things out. And yet, here was Suho, standing in front of him, looking like he wanted to talk. So Jongdae did the only thought he could think of, something that he thought was the most rational thing to do.
He smiled.
“You dyed your hair red,” Jongdae commented lamely. He couldn’t think of anything else to say, although he really was surprised that he did. Also, he couldn’t deny that Suho looked good with red hair. The way his bangs fell over his forehead, right just before it covered his eyes… Jongdae wanted to run his fingers through them and wondered if it still felt as silky as they did when he’d run his fingers through his hair in the past.
“I…yeah, I did,” Suho answered. “Jongdae, listen I-.”
“I didn’t know you were in Korea,” Jongdae tried to pass off the sentence as just some random, casual statement of fact.
“I’ve been back for a while,” Suho told him after a moment’s hesitation. He took a step forward, but stopped when Jongdae involuntarily stepped back. “I’m sorry, Jongdae.”
Jongdae blinked, thinking for a second whether he should ask what that apology meant, but decided against it. Instead, he smiled again and shook his head.
“What are you sorry for?” Jongdae rolled his eyes, chuckling. “That you’re dating Kyungsoo? Don’t be sorry! I’m glad it’s you.” He did his best to be as sincere as he could be, but even to his ears, it sounded sarcastic. Still, even if some part of him truly was sarcastic, he couldn’t deny the fact that Suho was a good guy and that Kyungsoo deserved someone like him.
“I’m going to tell him, Jongdae,” Suho began, but Jongdae stopped him with a pointed glare.
“We don’t have to tell Kyungsoo about us knowing each other and about our little thing in LA,” Jongdae insisted. “In fact, let’s not. I don’t think it matters anymore with how things are going right now.” Flashing Suho a smile, he changed the topic, because he just couldn’t deal at the moment. “So should I call you Junmyeon now?”
Suho looked at him helplessly. “I’ve always been Junmyeon, Jongdae.” And there seemed to be a pleading note in his explanation, but Jongdae probably just imagined it. “Even if I didn’t get the chance to tell you.”
Jongdae took a deep breath and let the questions in his head float away one by one. There were many things he wanted to ask him, many clarifications and explanations, one of which would, hopefully, bring Suho back to him. There just wasn’t any point in asking for one, because things have changed and it was just too late.
“I have this dance studio, here in the city,” Suho continued to talk when it was clear that Jongdae wasn’t going to say anything. “It’s one that I’ve had for a while, but had one of dancers who frequent it manage it for me while I was away.” He paused. “I think it’s time that I start managing it full-time.”
“That’s good,” Jongdae said, not really sure what he was supposed to say to that. Although he was surprised that Suho actually had something in Seoul to come back to, something that he could live off of, something they’d never really talked about while in the US.
Then there was silence between them, a silence that Jongdae could tell could stretch on forever. Because what else was left to say?
When Suho excused himself from the practice room because it was clear that Jongdae didn’t want him there, Jongdae could only sit on the floor and stare at his reflection in the mirror, trying very hard not to cry.
-
Jongdae dutifully stretched his limbs, despite being incredibly sleepy, because he didn’t want every bit of his body to ache, which it did greatly when he danced without doing so. Eyes closed, he sat down on the hardwood floor, legs stretched in front of him and bent his body towards his toes.
He barely slept the night before. Suho A.K.A. Junmyeon kept flooding his dreams. The dreams overlapped with each other, some with Suho kissing him and then Suho being whisked away to be Junmyeon in Kyungsoo’s arms. There were other different variations, but one thing that Jongdae noticed and the one thing that kept him awake was that he always ended up alone. After a while, he decided to just not sleep at all and watched television like a zombie.
“What did you even do last night?” his manager hissed at him as he handed him a venti cup of Starbucks coffee.
“Thank you,” Jongdae primly said, smiling and ignoring his question.
His manager stood by the door, going through his tablet for a second before calling everyone in the room to attention. He reiterated some timelines, when the song is going to be released, when the music video is going to be shot, when the first performance was going to be, all of which had been ingrained in his head for weeks and so he tuned most of the whole speech out.
“We also have a new choreographer,” his manager went on lastly. Jongdae’s head whipped up and followed his manager’s movements as he put an arm around a tall, pasty guy with light brown hair and a pointed face. “This is Oh Sehun. He’s taking over starting today.”
Jongdae frowned when his manager didn’t elaborate further and just left the room to let them start their rehearsals. It was only then that he realized that this was what Suho meant when he said that he was going to manage his dance studio full-time.
“You must be Chen,” Sehun shook his hand when he approached Jongdae, who had stood up to stretch some more.
“Please, it’s Jongdae,” Jongdae insisted, shaking his hand. He pursed his lips for a second, wondering if he could ask and how he should phrase it in such a way that was distant and professional.
“Junmyeon wanted to work in his dance studio,” Sehun answered his unasked question, a knowing look in his eyes. “Said he needed to start building his business if he wanted to live in Seoul permanently.” When Jongdae merely nodded, he went on, almost amused, “I’ve already listened to your song and Junmyeon’s showed me the choreography that he told me he’s showed you. I’ve changed some things, though, I hope you don’t mind.”
“Let’s see it,” Jongdae waved him to the middle of the room and sat down with his back against the mirror.
As Jongdae watched Sehun dance to the song he had written because of Suho, he couldn’t help but feel like he was having a hard time catching up to the fast changes of his life. It was like drowning in a nightmare he couldn’t wake up from.
-
“There’s something wrong with you,” Baekhyun mused, watching Jongdae space out thoughtfully. Jongdae didn’t even blink. “Like something really, really, really…” He kept on going with the reallys. “…really really REALLY wrong, like OHMYGOD THE WORLD IS ENDING!” He shook Jongdae rather violently just for good measure.
“Wha-WHAT! WHAT! WHAT’S GOING ON?” Jongdae turned around hastily in his seat, almost knocking himself down to the floor.
It took a while, but when he realized that Baekhyun had been pulling a prank on him, he stalked towards the same-sized male and wrapped his hands around his neck and throttled him. The door to Baekhyun’s studio opened and someone who was probably a customer walked in, but took one look at their situation and immediately stepped out with an apology on his lips.
“Stop!” Baekhyun choked, digging his nails into Jongdae’s wrists until Jongdae let go with a yelp and several half moons littering his arms. His eyes then narrowed into slits. “You just cost me a customer.”
“The world is ending, what do you need a new customer for?” Jongdae waved him off dismissively.
“I really hate you sometimes,” Baekhyun sneered in a way that still looked pretty and Jongdae had half a mind to punch him in the face.
“I love you, too,” Jongdae teased in response and winked at him for good measure, watching as Baekhyun rubbed at his neck.
For some reason, he found himself hanging out with Baekhyun in his studio. Baekhyun had called the previous evening and asked him if he had time to stop by just so they could go through the outfits for his comeback. Granted that Baekhyun had called for work, the moment he stepped into the studio, Jongdae immediately knew that that wasn’t the reason why he’d been summoned.
“For the record, I still hate you for thinking that I need an escort service to get a date for our high school reunion,” Baekhyun suddenly declared emphatically, biting his lower lip. “And I know that it’s been effective for you, but I really don’t need it.”
Right after Jongdae had practically harassed Kyungsoo with the idea of him getting a date from the escort service that Kyuhyun had suggested to him, he and Lu Han had formulated a plan for Baekhyun to hire a date for their high school reunion. Jongdae couldn’t help but think that it was one of their most brilliant plans yet. Because Baekhyun had already hired their guy, Chanyeol.
Jongdae merely made a face at him instead of snickering smugly. “It was just a suggestion,” he repeated. “You don’t actually have to hire one, you know. Stop getting your panties in a twist.” He sighed and practically sprawled on the large table in the middle of the studio.
“I wear boxers, just so you know,” Baekhyun snapped, standing up to get the rack of clothes he’d prepared for Jongdae from the other side of the room.
“Oh do you now?” Jongdae straightened up and watched Baekhyun. “What ever happened to those pink frilly panties that-.”
“THAT WAS A DARE!” Baekhyun’s screech echoed across the studio.
Jongdae burst into laughter as the memory of Baekhyun walking through the hallway of their university dorm in tiny, ruffly pink panties flashed through his mind. He didn’t remember anymore who dared him and what it was all about, but all he knew was that university days were even more glorious because of such hilarious details.
“If you say so,” Jongdae laughed.
Baekhyun pulled the rack over and showed the five outfits that he’d already picked out for Jongdae’s comeback. Jongdae’s current concept was supposed to be polished and romantic, hence all the nice coats with printed shirts and dark pants. Jongdae looked at each outfit with interest, not really commenting much because he knew Baekhyun was really good at what he did and trusted him to not put their personal pranks into their professional lives.
Jongdae fondly thought about the time when they were all still struggling with what they wanted to do with their lives. Baekhyun had actually wanted to become a designer, but ended up as a stylist instead. Lu Han, who didn’t really know exactly what he wanted to be, as long as he was in the fashion industry, ended up being the one who became a designer. And then there was Kyungsoo, whose whole life revolved around food, was now a café owner, actually getting to bake and cook and create delicious drinks. Jongdae, meanwhile, never really intended to sing professionally. All he really wanted to do was write lyrics and compose melodies to be able to impart and create dreams to people. He knew how powerful music could be, how they could transport you to places you could only wonder about or return you to a time you cherished. That’s what he wanted to do. But, in order to put his music out there, he had to sing it himself, and that’s how he started auditioning and, eventually, becoming a singer.
He’d always seen celebrities, both actors and singers alike, as dreams. They’re people you see on screens and no one really knows who they are and what they’re like. Jongdae never imagined he’d be a part of such dreamland. He’d had his fair share of idols in the industry, people he admired because of their work and not really so much because of their popularity. Now that he was in the same industry as they were, he didn’t realize how taxing it was to be a dream, to be someone people wanted to be with because of the preconceptions that they had of who he was. Jongdae wondered if people ever thought about him having dreams, too. Because he did have dreams. Sometimes, though, they were only daydreams, too blurry and too hazy to be within reach.
“You space out too much for your own good,” Baekhyun’s voice seeped into his thoughts and Jongdae turned to him, looking a bit lost. “You don’t do this during your performances or interviews, right?”
“Of course not,” Jongdae blushed despite this denial. “There’s just… a lot on my mind these days.”
“Like what?” Baekhyun wanted to know. He sat back down on the earlier seat he was occupying across from Jongdae’s.
“Stuff,” Jongdae vaguely responded. He lifted his eyes to Baekhyun, who was giving him an expectant look. “This comeback is really tiring,” he added. That much was true, anyway. The comeback was exhausting on so many levels, starting from the song itself.
Baekhyun was quiet for a moment and Jongdae could tell that he was carefully thinking through what he wanted to say. It was really interesting how loud all of his friends could be. Baekhyun and Lu Han were both screamers (in the most non-sexual way possible) and Kyungsoo could be pretty loud and obnoxious when he wanted to be. But in the times when it was needed and when it counted the most, they were pretty much all serene beings.
“You do know that it’s not just Kyungsoo that you can talk to, right?” Baekhyun finally said. “I mean, if there are things that you think you can’t tell him, you can tell me. Or Lu Han. It doesn’t even have to be me. It can be anyone.”
Jongdae eyed him guardedly because when Baekhyun got all profound and all-knowing, it just meant that he already knew the answer to his questions. He and Lu Han were alike in that sense. Sometimes Jongdae thought that they were too observant for their own good.
“What makes you think I need to talk to someone?” Jongdae asked in measured tones.
“I’m your best friend, Jongdae,” Baekhyun sighed as if annoyed. “What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t know the simplest things about you?”
“What’s my favorite cupcake flavor?” Jongdae quipped.
Baekhyun blinked. “How is that relevant to anything?” he snapped.
“What’s my real hair color?” Jongdae continued.
“You’ve been dyeing your hair since ever,” Baekhyun complained.
“Who’s my best friend in the entertainment industry?” Jongdae prompted.
“Kyuhyun,” Baekhyun answered.
“Wrong,” Jongdae made a sound like a buzzer that obviously grated on Baekhyun’s nerves with the way he clenched his fists. “I don’t have a best friend in the industry.” He then straightened up as he thought of another question. “When’s my birthday?”
“Aha! I know this one!” Baekhyun proudly exclaimed. “January 12!”
Jongdae burst out laughing. “That’s Kyungsoo’s birthday!”
Baekhyun stood up and walked to the couch, plopping himself face down onto it. “Way to make me feel like an awesome friend,” he whined, voice muffled into the fabric of the sofa.
Jongdae, still laughing, followed after him and lied down beside him. Baekhyun shifted around until Jongdae’s arms were around Baekhyun, whose head was resting on his chest, cuddling him.
“That’s okay,” Jongdae assured him softly and fondly.
“But what’s the point of me being your best friend if I don’t even know your birthday,” Baekhyun buried his face further in Jongdae’s neck, clearly embarrassed.
“I think being a best friend is not just about knowing the simplest things about the person,” Jongdae quietly explained, running his hand through Baekhyun’s hair. “I think it’s all about knowing the most important things.” He placed a feather-like kiss on Baekhyun’s forehead. “And you seem to know those very well.”
Baekhyun tightened his arms around Jongdae in response to this.
Jongdae closed his eyes and hummed a melody under his breath, lulling Baekhyun to sleep. It was comforting to know that there were people who truly knew him, people who could see right past Chen and look at Jongdae. That’s what he’s been afraid of, going into the entertainment industry under a different name especially, that people would love Chen and ignore Jongdae, just because it’s what they see and who they think he is. But he can’t really blame the people for that. Because we never really know anyone. Sometimes you think you do, but, really, you don’t.
-
Life went on as predictably as it normally did for Jongdae. He continued working on his comeback diligently and, soon, his music video was finished and had started airing, his comeback rehearsals eventually becoming comeback performances.
It was a good thing that he was so busy, because then he could take his mind off the more stressful things, like how Kyungsoo and Suho were still seeing each other.
Puffing his cheeks out in annoyance at the thought, he focused on unpacking his toothbrush and other bath stuff to the bathroom. If there was one thing he didn’t enjoy about his job, it was all the traveling he had to do. It just got really tiring after a while.
He was trying so hard to be focused on fixing his things that he didn’t immediately hear his phone ringing.
“Yeah,” Jongdae answered comfortably, the way he only did when it was Baekhyun, Lu Han or Kyungsoo calling.
“I hate that you’re not here,” Lu Han’s voice came through the line.
Jongdae frowned and sat down on the edge of the bed. It was very rare that he heard Lu Han so put out and the thought that he actually was worried him. “What’s going on?” Jongdae pressed. “Did something happen?”
Lu Han sighed. “Everything’s fine,” he said. “This high school reunion just sucks worse without you.”
Jongdae resisted the urge to gloat. It wasn’t the right time, considering that Lu Han was upset about something. “Where’s Baekhyun?” he asked. He considered asking about Kyungsoo, but that would just mean finding out that Suho was there.
“Baekhyun’s having the time of his life with Chanyeol,” Lu Han suddenly chuckled, genuinely sounding pleased at this development. “I just knew Chanyeol was his type. They look good together.”
“Just wait until he finds out that Chanyeol’s not actually an escort,” Jongdae snickered. “I bet he’ll love that.”
“I bet Baekhyun will never find out,” Lu Han suddenly stated. Jongdae could imagine the smirk spreading on his seemingly angelic face.
“Call,” Jongdae smirked as well.
“Fine,” Lu Han smoothly countered. “I supposed Hallyu stars could afford to lose money.”
“I’m not going to lose,” Jongdae rolled his eyes even if Lu Han couldn’t actually see him. He paused for a bit. “So… what’s really going on? Where’s Kris?”
“Kris,” Lu Han murmured.
Lu Han was never really one to go for steady dating. He was always dating someone new every few weeks, not wanting to get bored, not wanting to get attached. Lu Han always said that commitment was complicated and if there was anything he didn’t like, it was complicated. So he just didn’t do serious relationships. Kris was Lu Han’s flavor of the month. Although there was something strange about Lu Han seeing Kris because they’d been going out steadily for far longer than Lu Han’s had with all the other guys he’d been with. Jongdae actually liked Kris, because Kris really seemed to care about Lu Han, that despite all the things Lu Han’s done in his past, Kris still brought Lu Han to Cheonjiyeon Waterfall in Jeju Island. If that didn’t speak volumes about his feelings for Lu Han, Jongdae wasn’t sure what else did.
“Did you two get in a fight?” Jongdae carefully asked.
“I don’t get him,” Lu Han finally shared after a short silence. “I don’t understand what he wants from me, what he wanted from me.” He exhaled loudly, clearly irritated. “Well, that’s over and done with so whatever.”
“What?” Jongdae sat up straighter, surprised at his choice of words. “Did you two break up?”
“We weren’t really together so I wouldn’t exactly call it breaking up,” Lu Han lightly corrected him. “How’s it going over there?” he continued before Jongdae could respond.
“Fine,” Jongdae said. “I’m about to leave for the venue actually.”
“Okay, good luck.”
The line was dead before Jongdae could get a word out. He knew Lu Han was really upset. He sent a vague text message to Kyungsoo about Lu Han then pocketed his phone to grab his sweater and wallet.
When he opened the door of his hotel room, he froze in his tracks. Suho stood there in a simple sweater and jeans, but looking as attractive as ever. Jongdae wasn’t sure whether he was just seeing things or not.
“Hi,” Suho greeted him with a warm smile.
Jongdae stepped out of the room and closed the door behind him, trying to formulate the thousands of words jumping around in his head. “What are you doing here?” he decided to ask since it seemed like the easiest question.
“Sehun had something to take care of,” Suho explained, walking beside him.
“Okay,” Jongdae breathed out, nodding.
They hadn’t really seen each other since that day in the practice room, and Jongdae never really expected to see him any time soon. It was a good thing that he was busy with work. That and Kyungsoo seemed to enjoy having Suho all to himself.
“Listen,” Suho suddenly stopped walking and faced him. Jongdae’s heart thudded nervously in his chest as he waited for what Suho wanted to say. “After the show, I want to…can we talk?”
“I kinda have to get back to Seoul right after,” Jongdae hesitated and he wasn’t sure whether he was more relieved or disappointed that they weren’t going to be able to talk.
“I’ll drive you,” Suho persisted. “I brought my own car and I just…” He took a deep breath and slowly reached for one of Jongdae’s hands. “I just want us to spend some time together.”
Jongdae looked down at Suho’s hand on his. It was warm and reminded Jongdae of how it had warmed him when he felt like it had been too cold in the time they’d been together, reminded him how warm Suho actually was.
“Jongdae!” his manager snapped them out of their moment. “We’re going to be late!”
Jongdae dropped Suho’s hand and turned to follow after his manager. But before he did, he turned to Suho and smiled. “I’ll see you after the show,” he agreed.
-
Right after the show, Jongdae had immediately gone back to the hotel to remove his make-up and change into normal clothes. He’d also been lectured by his manager about his schedule the next day and that he shouldn’t be late since he was being allowed to stay back for a while longer.
Jongdae smiled to himself as he went down to the lobby where he was to meet Suho. It wasn’t like he was one of those idols who had a scandal every so often. If anything, he was probably one of the cleanest and most angelic celebrities in the industry. His only problem was that he had friends like Baekhyun and Lu Han.
“Hey.”
Jongdae stopped and smiled. “Hi,” he greeted back, the drumming of his heart from their earlier touching of hands back into play.
Jongdae found it strange that Suho even still wanted to talk to him. Sure they’d had a history, but they’d talked about putting it behind them and moving on with their lives, Suho with Kyungsoo and Jongdae with…well, his career, he supposed. Jongdae felt like there were too many things at stake. His friendship with Kyungsoo was so important to him that he wasn’t going to let anything or anyone, not even Suho and Jongdae’s truckload of feelings for him, destroy that. And, even if Kyungsoo was still missing Jongin, his high school sweetheart, Jongdae knew that Kyungsoo liked Suho and that he would feel hurt if he knew about this little detail between him and Suho.
“Where are we going?” Jongdae asked, closing and opening his fists to keep the cold from numbing them.
“I just thought we’d take a walk around,” Suho said, smiling at him. “It’s a nice night.”
“It’s cold,” Jongdae muttered.
Before Jongdae could stuff his hands in his pockets, Suho grabbed his right hand and stuffed both of their hands in Suho’s jacket pocket. Jongdae stiffened because this was all too familiar and did nothing to calm the beating of his heart, nor did it help with the fact that he was trying to get over his feelings for Suho.
“Just for tonight, Jongdae,” Suho softly assured him. “I know how you hate feeling cold.”
Jongdae wanted to tell him that he just really liked his warmth but preferred to keep his mouth shut and allowed himself to hold his hand. Jongdae squeezed Suho’s hand lightly and smiles painted their lips as they met each other’s eyes.
They didn’t really talk much, mostly just walking around and feeling each other’s presence, because that was all they could really do for each other, that was all they could offer. Jongdae found that he was already so comfortable with Suho, despite having only spent time with him those few weeks in LA and having only known him for a couple of months and even through this awkward friendship they were in, that being quiet with him was an enjoyable thing. And he was only ever comfortable being quiet and still with people he trusted, which he could count on one hand.
“What would you do if things were different?” Suho broke the silence, glancing at Jongdae, who looked back at him, surprised at the question.
“What do you mean?” Jongdae wanted to know. It was such a vague question, although he knew that it was probably referring to something more specific.
Suho shrugged. “You can put meaning to it however you want,” he said. “Just…it’s something I wonder about sometimes.”
“It’s a hard question,” Jongdae chuckled. “There are many ways how things could be different, some more pleasant than now and some…worse.”
“Let’s say things are different pleasantly,” Suho stated, more subdued, as if he was nervous, although he was smiling, “what would you do?”
Jongdae breathed out as he thought about it. The only thing he wished was different was that he was happy in Suho’s arms and Kyungsoo was happy with Jongin because that was the only way things would be different pleasantly. Anything contrary to that wasn’t good enough.
“Gosh I don’t know,” Jongdae lied, looking at him somewhat apologetic. “What would you do?” he asked instead.
Suho stopped walking, pulling Jongdae to face him. He pulled their hands out from his pocket then reached for Jongdae’s other hand so that now he was holding both of them. Somewhere in the back of Jongdae’s mind, alarming bells were ringing, but he shut them out just because.
“Let’s pretend that things are different pleasantly,” Suho spoke slowly, watching Jongdae’s face carefully for any sign of discomfort or rejection. Jongdae made sure that he kept his face impassive. He paused and took a deep breath. “Close your eyes,” he quietly requested.
Jongdae warily looked at him but he closed his eyes anyway, even though he knew that it was a very bad idea to. His breathing became shallower when he felt Suho step closer to him, Suho’s knuckles brushing the apple of his cheek. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter when he felt Suho’s breath ghosting over his face.
“Suho,” Jongdae started to speak, not sure why, maybe to stop him, but Suho just shushed him.
“This is my daydream,” Suho insisted, a hint of pleading in his tone. “Just a little while longer.”
Jongdae wasn’t sure how long or how short of a time he kept his eyes closed. Suho stood as close to him as he could, his fingers tracing the lines of his face, his breathing making his lips tingle and yearn. It made him tremble and he clenched his fists closed tightly to keep himself from visibly shaking. When he felt Suho’s breath on his lips, the shift of his face clear in his mind, he tilted his face to meet him halfway.
But the warmth of Suho’s lips on his own never came.
Jongdae’s eyes fluttered open just in time to see Suho pressing a tender kiss on his forehead. He blinked and eventually shut his eyes again to keep his tears from spilling out, because even in daydreams he and Suho just weren’t meant to have other than what they currently were.
He felt Suho step away and gently brushed the tears that Jongdae knew made their way down his cheeks, despite all his control.
“This is enough for now,” Suho whispered to him, pulling his hands away from Jongdae and letting it fall to his sides.
No words were exchanged between them as they drove back to Seoul.
And as Jongdae looked out of the window, the bright lights of the city growing bigger and bigger, the only thought in his head was how it would never be enough.
Part 3