Chapter Nine, Part Two
OMG. 25 pages.
And, wow...this chapter goes through a lot of emotions.... This chapter was tough to write because the dialogue...but ironically the ending scene just really flowed...
I read the big talking scene over a lot...because I kept doing a few lines and then would have to quit to go to bed....so I hope it flows okay...but I don't know... It was hard!!
And..wow, the melodrama! I hope it's not over the top...but it struck me as "right". Granted, it's now almost 2:30am.... but I was determined to finish tonight!! At least work isn't until 11:45...
So I should warn you about possible errors and stuffs considering that I've been typing very badly recently... and I'm too tired to edit now! Kind shaky too....
Also, apologizes for interpretation of Atsushi's thoughts about the band. I don't know where that scene came from. It was one of the ones that just flowed out of me tonight...
Also, the shinigami who can control shadows...that's a direct reference to Yami no Matsuei.
In other news, a few possible titles...
Dark Passion Play
Dark Play of Passion
A Loner Longing
A Loner Longing For
Someday I'll get a title! I will prevail!
And, you know what, F YOU WORD 2007!! Why do you keep erasing my spaces between paragraphs when I copy/paste! LAZY BASTARD!!! I want to go to bed!!!! *le sigh*
Chapter Nine -- Part Two
Atsushi, seated cross-legged in one of the floor-level seats around the table, was sure his eyes were going to water themselves right out of his head. The print in the book was so very small…and he’d been reading for what seemed like days, turning each page with a grim determination that had turned to a bit of…fascination.
Actually, the whole production had started with him sitting down, opening the book, and then being presented with pages of handwritten notes. He had forgotten about that.
Tsukino’s writing was very small and precise, almost the completely opposite of the handwriting he was used to reading. That mainly meant Imai and his last-minute lyric or melody changes.
The notes were straightforward and included page and paragraph numbers. How the man had done all of this in such a short time was something Atsushi couldn’t fathom. So he couldn’t not read them after all that hard work…
What had started out as him skimming through the notes soon ended up having him looking up references in the source…and reading from there. It wasn’t the most thrilling of texts, but the knowledge behind it could not be ignored. Where such knowledge had come from…was a somewhat terrifying thought.
So he refused to think about that now.
Atsushi took this moment to rub at his tired watery eyes with stiff fingers, vaguely wondering what time it was. He was suddenly rather famished. His bag was across the room. There might be a watch there…unless there was a clock in the TV cabinet.
Turning in his chair, Atsushi heard his spine crack and pop as he finally moved for the first time in what -seeing the state of his body- had to have been at least a few hours. In fact it was near-impossible to unfold his legs. He had to manually pull them apart in order to climb up on his knees and crawl over to the cabinet. His feet were numb at first, but by the time he made it across the room he was beginning to experience the uncomfortable pins and needles feeling.
Scowling to himself about his own inattention, he soon realized that there was a small alarm clock behind the TV with a cord long enough to be pulled around to the front. This clock said that it was nearly 5:30PM. He had been sitting and reading for over two hours, nearly three.
“No wonder I’m stiff…” he murmured to himself, and the sound of his voice struck him as odd. There had been nothing but studious silence for so long…and he hadn’t been bothered by it. This sudden intrusion of sound was a bit jarring.
Taking a moment to stretch out the kinks in his back and legs from his position on the floor, Atsushi caught sight of the yukata he’d thrown on the table earlier. Next to it was a small stack of towels, patiently waiting. He studied them a moment before shrugging. Why not? He was there-might as well use the amenities.
Atsushi began to strip and then dress in the proper onsen garb absentmindedly. It didn’t take too much mental effort to tie a knot or two. His mind was rather preoccupied with what he’d learned so far-things were much darker with shinigami than them merely being dead. Apparently the manner of their death determined if someone would-or could, for that matter-become a shinigami or not. Those who held the position usually had a death worth investigating. He actually wasn’t too surprised, when he actually stopped to think about it.
He was still lost in quiet thought as he walked out into the entryway and stepped into his slippers. It was proof that he had been to this place many times that he went through the motions automatically and he was out of his room and down the hall before he’d even realized that he’d left. It was actually rather…creepy how easily he could not pay attention.
But at least he didn’t walk into doors like Imai.
Atsushi could help but smile a bit at that memory. It had been a half open door, and it hadn’t been the most well-lit of areas, but it had been rather hilarious. Mainly because after walking into the door Imai had proceeded to stop back, glare at the door, and only then pushed it open to walk through.
Of course, the hilarity of the whole situation had been compounded when U-ta almost sprayed beer out through his nose as he burst into laughter.
Atsushi let himself dwell on these much happier memories-he wasn’t going to think about anything else right now- as he entered the private room and prepared to enter the onsen. Disrobe in the small outer room, and then enter the main room with the showers and the lower pool.
It was actually rather bothersome to deal with his hair in such a situation. Washing it was a task that required much skill and agility-that and a whole handful of shampoo. And a hint of patience. At least the shampoo was supplied.
Atsushi fell into the easy familiar rhythm of massaging the suds into his hair. He concentrated on the slippery strands between his palms and nothing else. He refused to let his thoughts sink below a certain level-he was determined to keep them buoyant on a cloud of denial. Happy thoughts…happy thoughts… Or at least neutral thoughts. He could manage those…
It was tough to keep the lightness to his thoughts he soon realized even as he soaped up the rest of his body and then got out the shower hose. The nagging dark thoughts kept trying to get to the front of his mind. There was a moment when he got lost in the torrent of the hot water spray as he finally rinsed off, but that was only a limited reprieve. Newly cleaned and now thoroughly soaked, Atsushi got up and crossed the room to the bath. It was damn hot, but he climbed in quickly. It wasn’t his smartest idea-and he knew better-but it was a major distraction for a good few minutes.
The bath was sunk into the ground and the water spilled over the sides as he submerged himself, spreading across the floor and down through the floor drains. It was oval in shape and big enough for two or three people at the very most, but Atsushi always appreciated the space to himself (…or one other.) There was a window at his eye level that could be opened and closed.
It was closed now, but Atsushi slide over on the stone bench and cracked it open slightly. It was still raining and the cold was quite startling compared to the oppressive heat inside. Despite this however Atsushi leaned his arms on the side of the pool and stared out at the rain-soaked garden. Everything was a beautiful green…except for the patches of once pale, smooth sand that were turning a murky brown. That was its own sort of beauty-the ruined kind. The blemished sort. The one that was only pretty in certain circumstances.
That was depressing.
Atsushi turned away from the window, shoving closed that mental door. Introspective thoughts weren’t light thoughts. Nor were they very neutral.
But analytical ones could be. Lifting his hair out of the water and draping it over his left shoulder, leaving the other shoulder open for the bath towel to rest on, Atsushi took a moment to ponder what he’d been reading before.
Some of the thoughts expressed in that little book had been mere conjecture on the author’s part-and they had said as much. It wasn’t as if they could easily study dead people. Unless they could see them like Atsushi could and easily ask them to sit down to tea for a while…
Okay, that wasn’t helping.
Atsushi sighed. His attempt at thinking light was failing. He should be able to relax. There was more to sitting in the hot water than turning to a wrinkled red lobster. It was a place to sit in beautiful solitude and let stress go. Relax.
“Stop thinking, damn it,” he muttered to himself. That didn’t help either. Not that he’d expected it would.
Too bad he couldn’t just take his brain out and let that soak for a while… Atsushi’s lips twisted into a reluctant grin at the morbid thought. Give a good thorough scrub…
Atsushi snorted a laugh before hoisting himself up and out of the water with both arms. It was getting just a bit too hot in there, so he sat on the stone edge with his feet still in the water and towel resting on the leg nearest the window. He kicked at the still depths idly, causing ripples and wondering how long it would take to clean a brain but not boil it…
“Oh thank God! There you are!”
Atsushi almost fell backwards in shock. His head jerked up as his heart lurched to a full stop-only to see Adam standing over by the showers. The man was dressed in his normal suit and he still had his shoes on. A major faux pas in such a place.
It seemed that he had literally appeared out of nowhere.
There was such an earnestly worried expression on the other man’s face…Atsushi didn’t have a chance to ponder that thought because it quickly morphed into mortification when Adam realized where he was. His skin turned redder than any cherry Atsushi had ever seen...
“If you don’t mind,” Atsushi spoke up, keeping his tone bland.
The man sputtered and stammered and…then he disappeared. Atsushi knew he should feel bad for the man’s discomfort…but he couldn’t help but feel a tad bit satisfied.
Especially since the amount of not-quite-staring the man had done until Atsushi had spoken up was a bit uncalled for…
For the briefest of moments Atsushi thought to get back in the water and just soak a bit more…but the whole illusion of a relaxing bath was completely spoiled now.
“Damn.”
There was no help for it then. He got up and then wandered out into the other room for his full towel. It seemed that Adam knew enough about onsen not to be waiting for him there. Atsushi knew the man wouldn’t just disappear and stay gone, no matter how embarrassed. From his non-standard entrance Atsushi couldn’t help put realize that something had happened.
That thought was enough to make him get dressed hurriedly. He didn’t even take time to do more than rub his hair a bit in a towel and finger-comb it. He had the feeling he would regret that later, but the longer he stood there the more he began to feel a sense of urgency. He barely stepped into his slippers before bursting out the door…and no one was there.
That made sense though-considering what had just happened. But where could the man have gone?
Atsushi hurried back up to his room, wishing for the first time that his so-called “spiritual powers” included a person-locator function. That would be very convenient.
Oddly enough-or perhaps not that oddly-that thought reminded Atsushi of Imai. The reminder was so sharp and strong that he stopped in the center of the hallway abruptly, and almost stepped completely out of his one slipper. Shoving his foot back in, he tried to ignore why Imai kept coming to mind. But it was hard to disregard the feeling of guilt that was gnawing at him. That had been one of the dark emotions he’d tried to keep at bay. Seeing Adam had brought it back to the forefront, however. Atsushi wasn’t sure why that was, but he couldn’t ignore the feeling now that it was now digging at him so ruthlessly.
He had nothing to feel guilty about…except for how he’d been treating the other man lately. Treating all of them, really…
Atsushi closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead wearily. Why couldn’t he just be stalked by a vampire in peace?
The walk back to the room was short…but Adam wasn’t there. Atsushi stood in the center of the room as he had just a few hours before, towels shoved under his arm and his hair a stringy mess. He was beginning to feel rather annoyed.
“Why the hell did you ruin my bath anyway,” he grumbled to the absent man, tossing his towels down on the table. He happened to glance at the clock in that instant…only to realize he was going to be late for dinner.
“Ah shit.”
They didn’t really say anything to you if you were late to dinner here, but it was still rather rude to arrive late when you really did have that far to go… It was only about a five minute walk to the dining room, and Atsushi made it right on time. The woman that greeted him was far too well trained to say anything about his now rather hopeless hair-he wasn’t going to take the ten minutes to comb it out. He did, however, bring a hair tie to pull it back with. He wasn’t fond of eating it in his soup.
The woman led him through the dimly light dining room to a hall lined on each side with private eating rooms. She slide the nearest door aside and motioned for him to enter. There was a large, low table inside surrounded by cushions. It already had the appetizer set out…for one. Atsushi paused in the doorway and took in the sight of that lonely plate…and thought the whole thing was rather pathetic.
He simply sighed, though, and took his seat. The woman took his drink order and then left, sliding the door closed.
Atsushi picked up his chopsticks and, mumbling the typical prayer to himself, he poked at the closest thing on the plate. He really wasn’t hungry, but he knew this was just the first of many courses so he’d better get hungry.
He could hear the murmur of the voices in the next booth over. It sounded like a few men and women together. He couldn’t make out what they were saying-the walls weren’t that thin-but there was just the burble of sound behind him that made his own little room seem that much more empty.
He stabbed the poor defenseless vegetable with much more vigor than was required. Here he was, moping by himself over good food while who-knew-what was going on.
Not for the first time that day he realized that his running away had been a stupid idea. It was just the first time he actually let himself call the act “running away”. That’s exactly what he had done. Run away from what, exactly…he didn’t know.
Atsushi was still quietly ruminating-or as Imai would say, sulking-when the door was slid open again and the serving woman appeared with the next course and his drink. She kept the door open as she knelt down to deliver the items. Atsushi, who had been silently watching her arrange the multiple dishes for the next course on the table, just happened to catch the movement in the doorway out of the corner of his eye and he looked up as Adam slipped in and knelt across the table from him. Atsushi stared, even as the woman politely collected his used plate and backed herself out of the room and closed the door.
“Good evening,” Adam greeted with a smile, hands folded on the table. As if this was a normal dinner meeting.
“She can’t see or hear you, can she?” Atsushi asked, not making a move for his food.
“No, she can’t. Besides, that would take a bit too much explaining, don’t you think?” Adam grinned cheekily. All signs of his early flustered embarrassment were gone. Most likely because Atsushi was fully dressed this time…and not likely to bring it up.
Or so he thought. Atsushi was happy to prove him wrong-even if it was a tad spiteful. “Normally one at least knocks before entering a private bath,” Atsushi remarked off-handedly, finally picking up his chopsticks and pulling some of the meat off the fish set on one of the many plates in front of him.
To Adam’s credit, the man only turned a slight shade of pink this time. “Well, we didn’t know where you disappeared to...”
Atsushi moved on to some of the greens, picking them up daintily. He chewed then swallowed, hoping to swallow some of his rising annoyance too. “So you simply appear randomly in the onsen I happen to be staying at.”
“Err…yes, actually,” Adam confessed, his fingers starting to fidget on the table.
Atsushi frowned, putting down his chopsticks to look at Adam directly. “What are you talking about?”
“Well, you weren’t in your hotel room and so we searched for you and found you here,” Adam said in a rush, before giving a big, shining smile. “This is a very lovely place, you know. Very rustic and-”
Atsushi cleared his throat, and Adam stopped talking abruptly to look at him. To Atsushi, the other man’s expression seemed a bit guilty. Atsushi gazed at Adam for a long moment and the man had to look away after a while. “That doesn’t explain why,” Atsushi spoke at last, drawing Adam’s eyes again. “Or how, for that matter.”
Predictably, Adam latched on the easier explanation. “Well, since our case involves keeping in contact with you, we set up a way to track you if need be… Everyone can be tracked by their own souls, you know…and, well, you…”
“Are shiny, we’ve established that,” Atsushi remarked, his tone dry. He calmly picked up his miso soup and sipped at it. It needled at the back of his mind that he was very much channeling Imai right now in his attitude, but he ignored that voice for now. Imai-attitude was good for subtle intimidation, Atsushi would readily admit. He’d faced it many times in the past. “So, in essence, you’re stalking me.”
Adam spluttered as if he was the one drinking soup. “No! That’s not how it is! We’re looking out for you, and-” he cut himself up abruptly, lips pressing tight against one another. He forced them into a smile. “It might seem that way, but, I assure you, we have your best interests in mind. If you didn’t just disappear the way you did…”
“I told my manager where I was going,” Atsushi pointed out. “You could have asked him-wait, he can’t see you.” So maybe he wasn’t able to swallow his annoyance after all.
“I don’t think he would have told us anyway,” Adam commented, softly.
Atsushi couldn’t argue with that. He picked up his drink-a very nice red wine-and took a long fortifying drink. He was sure that he’d need it if he was to be subjected to Adam’s presence for the rest of the meal. It took him a moment to realize that Adam was staring again. Watching him drink. How weird was that…
“Yes?” Atsushi asked pointedly, putting down his glass. Adam blinked, seeming to come out of a daze.
“Err… You look a lot different with your hair tied back,” Adam commented. He pushed his own hair away from his face as if Atsushi needed the visual to understand what he was talking about. “Very…masculine actually.”
“Why thank you,” Atsushi muttered, attacking his food again. “Good to know that I look like a man.”
“That’s not-” Adam stopped, most likely seeing a losing battle ahead. He shifted a little on his cushions. “It’s been a while since I’ve had to sit like this,” he commented. “We have chairs in the office…”
“You have an office?” Atsushi asked, completely bewildered.
Adam gave Atsushi an amused smile. “Where else would be do our mountains of paperwork?”
Atsushi put down his chopsticks and rubbed his forehead. The fact that there was an office of dead men doing paperwork…should make sense considering what the book had said, but it just…was so bizarre…
“I bet I spend more time in an office in a week than you have in your whole life,” Adam was saying, leaning back on his hands. He looked fully relaxed now, as if he figured Atsushi was distracted from his questioning. He was very wrong.
“So, it was in this office that you learned that I was missing, hmm?” Atsushi asked, finishing off his miso in one last swallow.
Adam opened his mouth to answer, but stopped as someone knocked on the door and the serving woman appeared again, bringing tea and the next course. The silence was very tense in the room, or at least Atsushi thought so. The two men looked at each other over the table. Atsushi was unable to speak, and Adam seemed very unwilling to do so. Atsushi kept his eyes on the man, expecting him to just disappear in the next instant, to run away from the upcoming conversation-but he stayed. They weathered the discomfort together, and soon they were alone again.
Atsushi finally lowered his eyes and stared hard at the bowls and plates arranged before him. “Something happened, didn’t it?”
“Oh, no, nothing’s happened…nothing besides the fact that you disappeared, that’s all…” Adam spoke just a bit too quickly to be telling to truth.
Atsushi didn’t look up. “Please don’t treat me like an idiot. I get that enough as it is.”
“I’m not-” Adam stopped when Atsushi lifted his eyes to gaze at him directly. Adam bit his lip as he looked away. He was silent for a long moment before speaking slowly, as if the reply was being dragged from him bodily. “Well…nothing major happened… It’s just that we still haven’t found out where Baum is…and…”
Atsushi frowned, puzzled. “You were worried?”
Adam’s pointer finger tapped against the table as he looked down at the floor. “I just…” His head lifted abruptly. “I just hate not knowing where that bastard is. We should be able to track him down!”
Atsushi smiled ruefully. So that’s what it was. “Ah…I see.” He picked up his chopsticks to continue eating. A hand suddenly clamped down on his wrist, halting his actions.
He looked up to see Adam leaning over the table, his eyes fierce. “No, you don’t see. I don’t like not knowing where that bastard is because I can’t protect you from him if I don’t know!”
Atsushi was completely taken aback. That wasn’t what Adam had said the other day. He’d made it perfectly clear before that Atsushi was just a lure in his quest to kill a vampire. What was with this ferociousness all of a sudden? Was he playing games? If he was, Atsushi didn’t find them very entertaining.
“That’s perfectly understandable. Unpredictability is very hard to guard against,” Atsushi commented quietly, before trying to yank his hand free. Adam had a surprisingly strong grip. In fact, it hurt a little. “Let go,” Atsushi began to say, but Adam spoke right over him. He stared into Atsushi’s face intently and Atsushi had to fight the urge to look away.
“I was thinking…about what I’d said before…you know, the other day… and it was…it was kinda heartless, wasn’t it? I didn’t mean it that way… I just…I…”
“Fujiwara, you’re rambling.”
Both men jumped at the new, unexpected voice. Adam’s hand retreated in a flash across the table, as if Atsushi was some kind of poisonous snake about to attack. The other man’s grip disappeared so fast that Atsushi’s hand almost hit the table…and Atsushi nearly let it as he turned to his right in surprise. These men were determined to give him a heart attack someday soon.
Makino had appeared kneeling perfectly on the cushion next to Atsushi. His arms were folded across his chest as he glared at Adam. “What are you doing here, Fujiwara?”
“I was checking on Sakurai-san…” Adam looked like a child caught playing where he shouldn’t be.
“You already determined he was here.”
“Well, that was a bit of a rude entrance…”
“So, did you apologize?”
Adam glanced at the floor. “Well…no…”
Makino turned to Atsushi for the first time that evening. “Then I’ll apologize for him, Sakurai-san. Fujiwara isn’t very good at his location abilities…”
Atsushi noticed Adam tense out of the corner of his eye-a strike against his pride, it seemed. Atsushi just shrugged in Makino’s general direction as he picked up his chopsticks and started to eat finally. “Thank you, Makino-san.”
“I’m glad to see you’re safe, Sakurai-san,” Makino added, gruffly. Atsushi nodded. That was enough for Makino. “All right then, Fujiwara, come with me. We’ve bothered Sakurai-san enough.”
Atsushi could hear Adam shuffling against the cushions as he slowly moved to get up. Atsushi continued to eat calmly. It was only when he noticed the motion of Adam rising on the edge of his vision that he spoke up, looking up from his bowl of rice. “Ah… we were having such a nice conversation. You can always stay if you’d like, Fujiwara-san.”
Adam had frozen halfway up from his cushion, hands holding his weight up on the table. His eyes were wide. He had to clear his throat once before managing to croak, “I…err…if you really don’t mind…”
Atsushi shrugged, going back to his meal. He ignored the way his heart was pounding wildly at his own brashness. If they were going to bother him, he might as well get something out of it. And he didn’t feel like being alone right now.
Makino was plainly put out; Atsushi could just feel the annoyance radiating off the man even if he couldn’t see him. But Makino put on his professional voice when he said, “All right then. Enjoy your evening.”
Atsushi continued to eat passively long after the other man disappeared. He felt Adam’s eyes fixed on him firmly…but he continued eating, scrapping the last piece of rice carefully from the wooden bowl. He had the upper hand now. He’d made the first move. Atsushi didn’t like playing with people, but sometimes you just had to. He’d learned that well over the years-mainly from his experiences on the other end.
Adam shifted on his cushion as the silence wore on. “I…err…really should apologize for earlier….I…”
“Is it true that all shinigami died in mysterious ways?” Atsushi finally looked up from his meal at that point, pinning Adam to the spot with his eyes. He knew it was a bit of a rude question, but he really didn’t want to listen to Adam stumbling through an apology. No time like the present to ask some questions.
Adam’s mouth snapped shut. He stared, mouth parted in shock. Then he shook his head, shaggy blond hair flapping in the air. “Wh…what are you talking about?”
Atsushi picked up his wine with shaking fingers. He hoped Adam didn’t notice. “That’s what the research says…that shinigami all want to find out why they died, so that’s why they become a shinigami.”
“Research?” Adam slapped his hands down hard on the table and learned forward, his eyes dark and burning. “Research? What are you talking about?” His voice was remarkably dark for such a simple comment.
Atsushi couldn’t hide the flinch at Adam’s voice. He hadn’t expected such a reaction…at least not so soon. “I was reading-”
“Some kind of rubbish horror literature?” Adam laughed, a truly mocking sound that made Atsushi cringe. “So you just asked me to stay here so you could talk to me about nonsense? Well, no matter how much I may enjoy your company, I don’t think-” Adam’s mouth stopped as soon as his mind caught up with what he’d said. His hands clenched on the tabletop.
Atsushi looked down at his own hands where they rested in his lap, fingers tangled. “I can understand how speaking of your death can be hard-”
“You understand, huh?” Adam breathed out hotly, his voice vibrating with his anger. “Do you now? “
Atsushi didn’t look up. “Yes, to an extent. At least I think so. Because I know how hard it can be from this side of a death… Thinking about all that was left unsaid…undone. I’m sure you feel such things?” Atsushi glanced up under his lashes and saw Adam staring at him as if he’d never seen Atsushi before. It was an expression that could be either good or bad…or a mix of both, a whole jumble of confusion.
Atsushi picked at one of his nail cuticles idly, suddenly feeling nervous. “At least I image you do… I think that I would, if I was…like you.”
Adam sucked in a sharp breath…but whatever he might have said was interrupted by the door sliding open. The serving woman appeared once last time with more tea and the dessert for the evening. She also brought in another glass of wine. Atsushi watched her set everything down as if he found the motions fascinating…but he didn’t. It was nothing but a distraction at best…and a sign of Atsushi’s fading control of the situation at worst.
When she was long gone and the room full of discomfited silence…it was only then that Adam spoke. “I hope you don’t learn what it’s like to be like me…at least not for a very very long time.”
Atsushi didn’t know what to say to that, so he simply nodded. He stared at the glass plate in front of him for a long moment before picking up his chopsticks to pick up a square piece of watermelon…and then drop it again.
“My…my death wasn’t that mysterious,” Adam spoke up at last, his voice slow and ponderous. Almost as if he was talking in a dream. He was staring at the watermelon that Atsushi had just dropped with intense concentration. “I know exactly who did it and why…Or at least I think I know why. You can never know everything about another person… ”
“You don’t-” Atsushi began to say, suddenly feeling immensely guilty.
Adam shook his head even as he began talking in that same quiet tone. “My best friend’s boyfriend beat me to death with a tire iron because, as I understand it, he thought she was cheating on him with me… That’s laughable.” Adam did laugh then, and it was a dark bitter sound. “I didn’t even like w---her that way. And the real funny thing? She was the one who found me, too.” Something twisted behind the placidity of his face. “Her and her little girl.”
Atsushi felt sick. He wrapped his arms around his own torso, fingers clawing into his cotton yukata. “I-”
That was all he could say. He should have known better. He felt like a monster, asking such a question… Curiosity…
Adam shook himself from his little storytelling daze in that moment and looked up. He must have accurately read the expression on Atsushi’s face. His lips parted in surprise. “Sakurai-san,” he whispered.
Atsushi couldn’t look at him anymore. He just couldn’t. He looked down at his folded legs and squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t notice he was crying until a teardrop slipped through his lashes. He opened his eyes as soon as he felt that hot liquid trail start down his cheek. He was mortified. What sort of baby was he?
All of a sudden there were surprisingly warm fingers on his face. “Hey, hey, what’s this?” Adam’s voice was right next to his ear, wobbling just the slightest bit. “Don’t cry.”
Atsushi shifted away from Adam’s touch. “I should have known I wouldn’t fully understand...”
“No, you don’t,” Adam’s voice was very soft. “You don’t understand that for most of us…our death is our past. It’s what made us what we are now…and there’s nothing we can do to change that. So crying over it accomplishes nothing.” Adam reached out a hand again and swiped another errant tear from Atsushi’s face. Atsushi let him without complaint this time.
“But you’re still so bitter…” Atsushi whispered.
“Yeah…I guess I am. It still hurts… a lot. But not because I’m dead…I’ve actually come to accept that by now…but more because of what my friend had to go through because of me.”
“That’s…that’s understandable,” Atsushi replied, lamely. He felt completely knocked off kilter… He wasn’t sure what he’d expected to get as a response to that question. Maybe some murder mystery like out of a novel? But life didn’t work that way, did it?
But he knew…he knew what Adam meant about friendship…about wanting to spare them every pain you could…just because they meant that much to you. He knew that very well.
That’s why he was there. Some part of him had always known that…it had just taken a long time for his brain to recognize it.
Adam shifted abruptly, reaching for the nearby tea pot. He went to fill up the one cup; presumably to hand it to Atsushi, but Atsushi went for the wine instead.
Adam put the pot down. Silence fell for a long stretch of time. Then Adam cleared his throat lightly. “I’m sure there are other things you want to ask me, hmm?” he asked, affably. He settled on the floor right next to Atsushi’s cushion. His knee brushed against Atsushi’s. “Seems you’ve been checking up on us. A fair trade off, I suppose...”
“Maybe I should first ask what you know about me,” Atsushi commented quietly, glancing at Adam sidelong as he swirled his last few sips of wine in the glass.
Adam shrugged; the motion was barely perceptible in Atsushi’s peripheral vision. “You could, I suppose. That would be kinda boring though, wouldn’t it?”
“Considering that I know it all already? Most likely.” Atsushi sniffled in spite of himself. Bringing up his free hand, he scrubbed at his cheek absently. That only lasted a moment before he realized what he was doing and forced his hand back down again.
But, in that moment, he realized that Adam was watching him again. He took the last swig from his wine glass and set it down with a firm tap against the table. The desert from earlier still sat there, waiting, but he wasn’t going to touch it. “I guess I should just assume you know everything, hmm?”
“Well…there’s no way we can know everything.”
“Hmm...that’s right. You can’t know what I’m thinking, can you?” Atsushi shifted so that he could look at Adam more fully, but not directly. “Especially right now, hmm?”
Adam blinked, his face showing his confusion at Atsushi’s words. “Err…yeah. That’s right.” He leaned forward a bit, resting his torso against the table as he tried to look up at Atsushi’s face. “Why? What are you thinking?”
Atsushi smirked. “If I told you, you would know.”
Adam quirked an amused grin. “Ah…true.” His hand suddenly lunged forward and snatched a cube of watermelon off Atsushi’s plate. He held it up, his grin turning cheeky. “Well, anyway, I’m stealing this.”
Atsushi shook his head, biting his lip to keep his amused smile at bay. He made the appropriate giving hand gesture towards his already confiscated fruit. “Be my guest.”
Adam popped the fruit into his mouth and chewed. Then he made a face. “That’s right-seeds,” he said around the fingers he’d shoved into his mouth. “Ever have the seedless ones?”
“Ah…no…” Atsushi remarked. He watched Adam fish around in his mouth with a strange sort of fascination. He actually had very nice hands. Very long fingers.
A pianist’s fingers. Or a guitarist’s.
Atsushi shook his head so fiercely that some of his hair escaped his hair tie and tumbled down over his shoulders.
“How d’ya put up with that anyway?” Adam asked out of the blue, taking his sticky fingers out of his mouth and depositing the seeds on Atsushi’s plate.
“Years of practice,” Atsushi answered a bit testily. He didn’t mean to sound so put upon, but he…was.
“Hmm…” Adam mused quietly, seeming to get lost in thought for a moment…until his hand suddenly darted out for another watermelon cube.
“Don’t forget the seeds,’ Atsushi reminded him, his voice low with warning.
Adam raised an eyebrow at his tone, but did what was asked of him anyway. “You know, I know people who put salt on this stuff…”
“Oh?” Atsushi asked absently.
Something in the mundane conversation seemed to relax Adam, because the man shifted to lounge with his back against the table and looking up at Atsushi directly. “Yeah, they say it makes it sweeter…”
“Is that so?”
Adam smiled. “So I’ve heard.” He popped the now seedless watermelon between his lips. “Thanks for sharing your food by the way. I haven’t had any good fruit in a while.”
Atsushi folded his hands in his lap and watched Adam silently.
The other man’s grin started to fade a bit as Atsushi said nothing. “Nothing else to ask me?” he asked after a moment.
“Well, I could ask what you eat…in your state, but apparently its normal food…” Adam nodded absently. “I could also you about…err….” Atsushi paused, feeling an idiot. He bit his lip, wondering if he should continue. Adam raised his eyebrow and that rather familiar gesture compelled Atsushi to finish in a rush, “About…ah…a shinigami’s magical powers, but that’s rather childish…”
Adam’s eyes lit up. He leaned forward earnestly. “Ah! No it’s not. Because you see, I actually met someone who can manipulate shadows. He’s a bit of a tight-ass…okay, a really big one…but he’s very good at what he does.”
“Shadows?” Atsushi asked, interested despite his misgivings.
Adam nodded. “Yeah. He can make them do a bunch of things… but well, not all shinigami have this ability. He studied it… and has the affinity for it. There are other abilities too…lots of them… I know people who can manipulate wind, earth…the material stuff. And then there’s those who work with time and memories--” Adam stopped suddenly…and then laughed heartily, jerking a thumb in his own direction. “Me, I don’t have the patience for that type of stuff!”
Atsushi frowned lightly. Memories…? His thoughts were cut off when the door slid open. Adam had to scurry out of the way when the woman went to kneel directly on top of him. Atsushi tried hard not to laugh. It took all his concentration to keep a calm smile especially when Adam gave him such a wounded look.
Atsushi decided he had had enough of this little room and he got up shortly after the plates were clear and stepped out into the hallway. Or tried to. His legs didn’t want to work at first. He’d sat still far too long.
So it was a rather ungainly stumble out into the hall. He could live with that. Partially.
Adam followed with much more grace. “Are you alright?”
Atsushi just glared over in Adam’s direction. It wasn’t as if he could answer him out in the open like this.
Adam didn’t quite laugh at him…but Atsushi could read that intention behind his sudden grin. He followed as Atsushi began to walk towards his room, keeping in stride as they made their way down the softly lit hallways. “This really is a beautiful place. Not the place I’d expect a star like you to be, but…”
Atsushi tilted his head to look over at Adam surreptitiously through his hair. “You’re wrong,” he murmured in an undertone.
Adam blinked at him. “What?”
Atsushi kept walking. Adam followed right behind. Atsushi actually didn’t mind the other man tagging along. He had gotten somewhat used to his presence…despite his rather shallow statements…
“What do you mean by wrong?” Adam asked as soon as they stepped into the side hallway. Atsushi pressed a finger to his lips and shook his head.
Adam huffed. “No one’s here, you can talk to me now.”
At the moment a door further down the hall opened up and a young couple came out. Atsushi respectfully stepped aside to let them go past in the narrow hall. He recognized them from earlier that afternoon, but they were too wrapped up in one another to notice him.
It was only once they were gone that Atsushi spoke very softly. “That’s one reason I like it here.”
“What, happy young people?”
Atsushi shook his head, smiling morosely as he looked up at Adam’s confused face. It hit him then just how much he had to look up to meet his eye… “No, not that specifically. I mean the anonymity.”
“Anonymity?” Adam parroted in surprise.
Atsushi nodded, starting down the hall again. Adam tagged along. They walked in silence for a moment before Adam spoke up suddenly, as if the words either had to spill out…or not be said at all. “I don’t understand. You’re a star. Don’t you like the attention, the adoring fans? Isn’t that why you do this?”
Atsushi stopped in the middle of the hall and turned to look at Adam directly. He didn’t care if he looked strange to an outside observer. “No.” Then he started walking again.
Although Adam tried to get a more detailed response, Atsushi refused to speak after that until they made it to the door of Atsushi’s room. As Atsushi fumbled to get the key into the lock, Adam leaned forward and placed his hand on the door. Atsushi turned to look at him.
“‘No’ is a far too simple answer,” Adam remarked softly.
“It is, isn’t it?” Atsushi replied, before turning back around. He got the door unlocked and went to open the door. Adam’s hand was still in the way. “I’m not going to give a detailed answer in the hallway.”
There was a slight hesitation, but Adam soon removed his hand and Atsushi was able to get into his room. Predictably, Adam followed.
After stepping out of his slippers and up on the tatami, Atsushi checked the tiny refrigerator in the entryway. There was a bottle of wine and a small bottle of whisky. “Ah, good,” he remarked, taking both of them and-after a moment’s thought-two glasses from the small cabinet nearby and shuffled off into the next room.
The table had been relocated to the first room, while the second held the newly lain out futon. Atsushi sat down at the table and opened the wine while Adam, having decided to remember his Japanese manners, came in without his shoes on and sat down next to him.
Atsushi filled both glasses and nudged one in Adam’s directly. The other man stared at the wine for a moment before taking it up hesitatingly. “I really shouldn’t…”
Atsushi shrugged. “One glass can’t hurt you, can it? It’s not like you have to drive…”
Adam cracked a smile. “Ah, true… Cheers!” He tipped his glass in Atsushi’s direction before taking a small sip and putting it down.
“Cheers,” Atsushi repeated quietly, taking his own drink. He stared at the dark liquid in contemplation. “Why, huh?” he murmured after a while. He saw Adam visibly perk up in his peripheral vision. “Well, when we were younger becoming pro was a big deal, you know. Made what we were doing worthwhile. Made us all seem less insane for dreaming…”
He smiled gently, swishing his wine in his glass. “We had so much to do back then. There was barely time to breathe, let alone think. New faces sprung up everywhere, we got buried in letters and postcards and fan meetings… but despite that, it was hard to ignore just how happy all of these strangers were because of what we were doing… It’s still strange, even to this day…”
Atsushi looked at Adam directly then. “But, no, that’s not why we do this. It’s a pleasant side effect, for the most part…I suppose. Keeping them happy is a bit of a responsibility, in its own way… But our band doesn’t exist to keep people fawning over us…it exists because it has to, I think. I don’t think we could have done anything else…” here he trailed off, pondering what he’d just said. It was true, wasn’t it? To do something else…
Adam spoke up, drawing Atsushi out of his thoughts. The other man was frowning in thought. “I don’t understand…”
Atsushi laughed lightly, shaking his head to clear his thoughts. “Eh…I’m not surprised. I don’t make sense. I never do, really… but…let me just say…well… I couldn’t imagine not making music with those four… So that’s why we do it…because it feels right to do so…” He looked down at his glass again. “Granted, having money for this kind of stuff is rather nice…and not having to live in a cramped apartment in Shibuya is a plus…but, really…” he shrugged. “Just being able to do what we do…that’s enough in the end, I think.”
Atsushi’s confession was met by silence. He glanced up through the strands of hair around his face to see Adam studying him with tight-lipped contemplation. For some reason that Atsushi couldn’t understand, that expression made his heart begin to pound. Or perhaps it was just the embarrassment of showing just what sort of sentimental fool he really was…
Atsushi jumped a bit when Adam moved suddenly …but it was only to pick up his wine glass. He stared at the liquid for a long moment, before bringing it to his lips and chugging what remained. A bit of the red liquid escaped the corner of his mouth but Adam kept drinking until it was gone. Only when the last drop was gone did he put the glass down and wipe at the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand.
“Is…something wrong?” Atsushi asked, watching this scene with wide eyes.
Adam closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead roughly. “No…no, nothing’s wrong…it’s just that…you… I really should go now,” he stated suddenly, surging to his feet.
Atsushi put down his wine. “All right… if you think that’s for the best…” He felt lonely suddenly, and Adam wasn’t even gone yet.
Atsushi sighed. He truly was pathetic, wasn’t he?
The sound of Atsushi’s sigh made Adam opened his eyes. Something on Atsushi’s face seemed to make him freeze. The two just gazed at once another until Adam spoke. “It was so much easier when you were just a pretty face,” he whispered…then slammed his hand over his mouth. A muffled “fuck” was heard, and then Adam was gone.
Atsushi stared dumbly at the place where Adam has once been. He blinked a few times, trying to wrap his mind around the man’s sudden absence. He really didn’t want to think about what the man had said. He wasn’t blind to the fact that the man was…interested, but since Atsushi had no desire to sleep with a dead man…
Atsushi’s attention wandered to the lonely futon laying completely untouched in the middle of the next room…and the seductive thought that it would be nice to have at least someone there niggled at his brain…and then he promptly picked up his wine and took a very long fortifying drink.
Shut up, he told himself. Just because he felt lonely didn’t mean he needed sex!
Atsushi quietly fumed at himself as he finished the glass and filled another. It wasn’t the most delicious wine he’d ever tasted, but it was serving its purpose for the time being. Although, by this point Imai would have already suggested putting the whiskey in…
That suddenly thought of Imai had Atsushi looking around the deserted room as if he expected his friend to just appear next to him… which wasn’t too odd a thought considering just how many random people had appeared throughout the night…
He scolded himself though. Imai might be a crazy genius…but he didn’t have magic powers. At least not the kind that would let him appear out of thin air.
Atsushi sighed once again, a deep weary sound that made his shoulders slump. He rested an elbow on the low table and then rested his cheek on his fist, staring through his wine glass and into the next room. He rather felt like a moping teenager in that moment but he was too tired to be truly ashamed.
He slowly finished two more glasses-the last fortified with whiskey despite the less than stellar taste-before he decided that he didn’t want to wake up a cripple the next morning and pulled himself over to his futon. He was far too lazy to change into the white bedclothes provided, so he simply crawled in and pulled the covers over his head.
He knew he was being a child, just ignoring his problems like this, but he was far too willing to just say fuck this for a time being. He’d been thinking about it all for too long today. At least he could enjoy this alcohol buzz in some sort of peace. Even if that peace meant laying sprawled face down in a futon…so be it.
At least it was comfortably warm there…
Atsushi was just on the edge of sleep when he heard voices. He cracked open one heavy eyelid but couldn’t see anything. The only reason he didn’t panic, however, was that he recognized the one voice.
Why was Adam back?
“You have to!” the other man demanded in a strained whisper.
“No, I do not,” the other man said, and it took Atsushi a moment to recognized Makino. He thought about rolling over and asking what they were doing in his room, but then Makino continued speaking. The man’s voice was surprisingly cold and steely. “I knew you couldn’t handle this case. The first sign of a pretty face and you’re head over heels. Considering your past, that’s not a surprise.”
“That has nothing to do with it!” Adam insisted, but his voice sounded strange…almost angry and guilty all at once.
Makino snorted. “Don’t even try to deny it. I heard you say the past doesn’t matter, but it does. You can’t just ignore what you are-”
“Shut up!” Adam snapped, his voice just on the edge of a shout. There was a pause and then he continued in a ferocious whisper. “I am not like…like that!”
“You’re just lying to yourself, you know,” Makino commented nonchalantly, as if this was no big deal all of a sudden.
Atsushi frowned into the pillow under his head. He had the intense urge to turn around and look…but he remained still.
“I am not! I…I just am not like what you think of…people with my interests. I can take my job seriously and I will…I will! It’s just…you have to fix this, all right? Just a few…a few minutes… He had some wine… Make it a little fuzzy… Then things can go smoothly again.”
Makino sighed. “My skill isn’t here for your convenience, Fujiwara.”
“But, you did it that other night…”
“Yes, but he was completely wasted. And sleeping. And it was difficult then! This isn’t a simple feat-someday you’ll understand that!” Makino stopped and took a deep steadying breath, as if he was trying to contain an powerful emotion. “And, really, do you really think-considering how much these men drink-that a few glasses of wine would be enough to affect him? Sakurai is a damn alcohol sponge! Besides, you forget that little fact that you pointed out to him-despite my protests, let me remind you. He’d be able to resist any changes I tried to make to his memory, no matter how small.”
Atsushi’s drew in a quick breath as his heart began to pound. Change…his memory? What…?
“But-” Adam persisted.
“Besides, this has nothing to do with the case as a whole. Just stay away from him-no need to socialize!”
“Makino, please!’
“No. I will not do it. I changed Imai’s memories for a reason. Your idle flirtations-“
Makino didn’t get a change to finish his reprimand. Atsushi sprang up from his bed onto his knees and whirled around to face the two men who stood in the doorway. “You did what?” he demanded, ignoring his spinning head in order to stare the two openly shocked men down.
“Sakurai-san, we thought you were asleep!” Makino stared, trying to placate, while Adam just stood there staring like a statue.
Atsushi pushed himself to his feet. He’d never felt this angry in so long-it was as if every muscle in him was coiled to spring. “What do you mean you changed Imai’s memories?” he asked coldly, keeping his fury out of his voice only through sheer will.
Makino blinked. “You must have heard wrong, Sakurai-san. I said nothing-”
“Don’t lie to me!” Atsushi thrust an accusatory finger in Makino’s direction. His whole arm trembled in fury. He was sure he looked quite hysterical in that moment, but he couldn’t care. “What did you do to Imai!”
Makino actually took a step backwards. “Sakurai-san, please calm down-”
Atsushi pressed his lips together firmly and he glared at Makino darkly, but stayed silent long enough for Makino to feel he could safely continue speaking. The other man put on his falsely calm but oh-so-condescending tone that made Atsushi’s hackles rise even more.
“Ah…you see, I didn’t do anything to harm your friend, Sakurai-san… I just help him forget that one night, that’s all. I’m sure you didn’t want your friend to share in the whole stress of this investigation…”
That was…that was true, Atsushi had to admit even as he seethed with a white hot rage. But that…that didn’t give this...this bastard the right to mess around in Imai’s head. Out of everything that Imai valued about himself…an aspect that Atsushi valued the most about Imai…was that mind…and to have someone just go playing around in it as if they had a right…
If Atsushi had been a truly violent person he would have tried to kill Makino right at the moment-disregarding the futility of the attempt. But he was too weak for that…all he could do was quiver in building fury.
“Fix it,” he grit out between his clenched teeth.
Makino looked a bit taken aback at first, but then his face smoothed over. “I’m sorry Sakurai-san, but I really can’t do that… You see, it’s not a good idea to-”
“Mess with someone’s memories at all!” Atsushi shouted, his hands balling into angry fists at his sides.
Makino took a quick glance around the room. “You shouldn’t be so loud Sakurai-san…” he started, apparently concerned to draw attention to the room…but Atsushi didn’t care.
“How…how dare you! To think you have the right… You bastard!” Atsushi just couldn’t find the right words for the emotions bubbling in his chest at that moment, so he ended up sounding like a babbling idiot.
He saw that thought reflected in Makino’s too-smooth expression. “Such words aren’t necessary, Sakurai-san. I assure you that if I could I would do as you ask, but there simply is no way…”
Atsushi bit his lip in his frustration…so hard that he tasted blood in his mouth. He ignored it in favor of glaring Makino down. But he couldn’t say anything to that…he couldn’t do anything, could he? How the hell could he get back at a dead man? Complain to his boss? Atsushi didn’t even know who that was…
He felt trapped all of a sudden…trapped with these men…in this situation…in his anger…
A hint of a smirk appeared on Makino’s thin face… Atsushi felt the wild desire to rip that grin right off…but it was short lived. The bastard was enjoying this!
Atsushi’s nails dug into his hands as he tightened his fists. There was one thing he could do… the only thing he had some sort of power over…
“Get out.” Atsushi whispered hoarsely.
Makino appeared a bit surprised by that abrupt order. But he soon recovered, his face turning blank again. “Sakurai-san,” he began in that placating voice of his, but Atsushi spoke right over him.
“I don’t care what you have to say. Get the fuck out of my room!”
Makino’s lips pursed at the language. “Really, Sakurai-san, I don’t-”
“And stay the fuck away from me! Me and my band members!” Atsushi’s eyes narrowed even as his voice quivered with his anger. “It would serve you right if your mission failed because of your own actions, wouldn’t it Makino-san?”
Makino actually flinched then. “I don’t see how my mission can fail-”
Atsushi forced his arms to relax enough so that he could fold them over his chest, the long, wide sleeves of his yukata giving the move more of a dramatic effect. He didn’t say anything though. Let Makino think of his own ways that Atsushi could screw things up. The way the man’s words trailed off…and the calculating look in his eye told Atsushi enough that his threat was a good one. Not the strongest by any means, but the best he could do.
“No, don’t…” Those tiny words were the first reminder that Adam was still in the room. He was staring at Atsushi with huge eyes. “Don’t even threaten something like that…” he whispered, his face pale.
Atsushi resolutely did not look at him as he said, coldly, “Get out, the both of you.”
Makino apparently had enough because he disappeared without saying a word. Adam remained behind however. Atsushi still didn’t look at him. He just stared angrily at a distant wall, jaw clenched.
“Sakurai-sa-”
“Don’t say a word. I heard what you planned to do,” Atsushi remarked stonily, not wanting to listen to Adam try to plead his way out of this. “And what you let him do. So just get out.”
“I-”
Atsushi turned in that moment and gave Adam the full brunt of his anger. “GET OUT!”
If possible, Adam’s face paled even further…and then he swallowed and disappeared after Makino.
Atsushi stood frozen for a moment, his blood still boiling… and then his shaking legs gave out on him and he was forced to sink back down on his futon in a pile of tangled limbs. His fingers dug mercilessly into the quilted coverlet as he seethed…until all his anger died and there was nothing left but for him to stare blindly at the pale cream of the distant wall.
That moment was like a total emptying of himself…he couldn’t even find any tears. His eyes were painfully dry as he brought his hands up to burrow into his hair, digging tight against his scalp. He hunched down, staring blankly at his knees.
How had this…why had this… All of this…
His fingers tightened painfully.
All that he’d just learned…it change everything…and yet nothing.
He knew now that he couldn’t trust any of his so-called ‘helpers’…those who claimed to be trying to protect him…they were all liars and played him for a fool…
But…at the very same time… He still couldn’t tell anyone. No one would believe him…and now there was no way that Imai could remember on his own…
Atsushi truly was alone in this.
Atsushi rocked back and forth on his futon, pulling himself into a tighter ball. He didn’t want to be here anymore, he decided in a rush of feeling that nearly blindsided him. He didn’t want to be here where it was just duplicity and pain… He wanted…he…
He lifted his head blindly and the first thing his eyes focused on was the phone by the television, and he knew…
He knew that, for some insane reason, after all that had happened tonight…after all the betrayal that had happened to him…he just wanted to call Imai and apologize. To tell Imai that he’d been a jackass…that he shouldn’t have been angry with him…that it was all Atsushi’s fault… that Imai should come and take him home…
Atsushi took a deep wavering breath and let it out. His limbs were still shaking even as he stretched one hand out for the phone…
Then he saw the clock. It was three in the morning. And he didn’t know Imai’s room number.
And, besides, Imai probably didn’t want to talk to him anyway….especially not now…
Atsushi let his hand drop dejected back down on the coverlet. He sat in the silent room just breathing quietly, trying to ignore how his breath hitched. He would just have to wait…wait until the morning…then he could call and maybe…maybe Imai would listen to him as he …as he what? Begged for forgiveness? What would Imai say to that…?
Atsushi bit his lip again…and it hurt. Atsushi frowned in confusion as he brought his fingers up to his mouth. He felt the blood there and brought his hand down and saw it on his fingertips…
He stumbled clumsily to his feet and made his way towards the sink area in the washroom. Fumbling for the switch, he managed to turn the light on and, squinting in the harsh light, he looked at himself in the mirror.
His lips were bleeding all right…but that wasn’t what bothered him the most. He could see his teeth through his parted lips…and they were red too.
Atsushi stared at his reflection in growing horror. He scrubbed the back of his hand over his mouth, but all that did was spread the blood on his skin instead…and that was too much.
Atsushi backed out of the room until his back hit the door to the toilet. He actually didn’t realize that he’d done so until the handle dug painfully into his back. He turned his head and stared at that handle blankly for a long moment before opening the door and stepping inside.
Sitting down in the small space between the toilet and the closed door Atsushi curled up there, head resting on his knees, for the rest of the night.
Because it was, sadly, the safest place he could think of.
And, wow...this chapter goes through a lot of emotions.... This chapter was tough to write because the dialogue...but ironically the ending scene just really flowed...
I read the big talking scene over a lot...because I kept doing a few lines and then would have to quit to go to bed....so I hope it flows okay...but I don't know... It was hard!!
And..wow, the melodrama! I hope it's not over the top...but it struck me as "right". Granted, it's now almost 2:30am.... but I was determined to finish tonight!! At least work isn't until 11:45...
So I should warn you about possible errors and stuffs considering that I've been typing very badly recently... and I'm too tired to edit now! Kind shaky too....
Also, apologizes for interpretation of Atsushi's thoughts about the band. I don't know where that scene came from. It was one of the ones that just flowed out of me tonight...
Also, the shinigami who can control shadows...that's a direct reference to Yami no Matsuei.
In other news, a few possible titles...
Dark Passion Play
Dark Play of Passion
A Loner Longing
A Loner Longing For
Someday I'll get a title! I will prevail!
And, you know what, F YOU WORD 2007!! Why do you keep erasing my spaces between paragraphs when I copy/paste! LAZY BASTARD!!! I want to go to bed!!!! *le sigh*
Chapter Nine -- Part Two
Atsushi, seated cross-legged in one of the floor-level seats around the table, was sure his eyes were going to water themselves right out of his head. The print in the book was so very small…and he’d been reading for what seemed like days, turning each page with a grim determination that had turned to a bit of…fascination.
Actually, the whole production had started with him sitting down, opening the book, and then being presented with pages of handwritten notes. He had forgotten about that.
Tsukino’s writing was very small and precise, almost the completely opposite of the handwriting he was used to reading. That mainly meant Imai and his last-minute lyric or melody changes.
The notes were straightforward and included page and paragraph numbers. How the man had done all of this in such a short time was something Atsushi couldn’t fathom. So he couldn’t not read them after all that hard work…
What had started out as him skimming through the notes soon ended up having him looking up references in the source…and reading from there. It wasn’t the most thrilling of texts, but the knowledge behind it could not be ignored. Where such knowledge had come from…was a somewhat terrifying thought.
So he refused to think about that now.
Atsushi took this moment to rub at his tired watery eyes with stiff fingers, vaguely wondering what time it was. He was suddenly rather famished. His bag was across the room. There might be a watch there…unless there was a clock in the TV cabinet.
Turning in his chair, Atsushi heard his spine crack and pop as he finally moved for the first time in what -seeing the state of his body- had to have been at least a few hours. In fact it was near-impossible to unfold his legs. He had to manually pull them apart in order to climb up on his knees and crawl over to the cabinet. His feet were numb at first, but by the time he made it across the room he was beginning to experience the uncomfortable pins and needles feeling.
Scowling to himself about his own inattention, he soon realized that there was a small alarm clock behind the TV with a cord long enough to be pulled around to the front. This clock said that it was nearly 5:30PM. He had been sitting and reading for over two hours, nearly three.
“No wonder I’m stiff…” he murmured to himself, and the sound of his voice struck him as odd. There had been nothing but studious silence for so long…and he hadn’t been bothered by it. This sudden intrusion of sound was a bit jarring.
Taking a moment to stretch out the kinks in his back and legs from his position on the floor, Atsushi caught sight of the yukata he’d thrown on the table earlier. Next to it was a small stack of towels, patiently waiting. He studied them a moment before shrugging. Why not? He was there-might as well use the amenities.
Atsushi began to strip and then dress in the proper onsen garb absentmindedly. It didn’t take too much mental effort to tie a knot or two. His mind was rather preoccupied with what he’d learned so far-things were much darker with shinigami than them merely being dead. Apparently the manner of their death determined if someone would-or could, for that matter-become a shinigami or not. Those who held the position usually had a death worth investigating. He actually wasn’t too surprised, when he actually stopped to think about it.
He was still lost in quiet thought as he walked out into the entryway and stepped into his slippers. It was proof that he had been to this place many times that he went through the motions automatically and he was out of his room and down the hall before he’d even realized that he’d left. It was actually rather…creepy how easily he could not pay attention.
But at least he didn’t walk into doors like Imai.
Atsushi could help but smile a bit at that memory. It had been a half open door, and it hadn’t been the most well-lit of areas, but it had been rather hilarious. Mainly because after walking into the door Imai had proceeded to stop back, glare at the door, and only then pushed it open to walk through.
Of course, the hilarity of the whole situation had been compounded when U-ta almost sprayed beer out through his nose as he burst into laughter.
Atsushi let himself dwell on these much happier memories-he wasn’t going to think about anything else right now- as he entered the private room and prepared to enter the onsen. Disrobe in the small outer room, and then enter the main room with the showers and the lower pool.
It was actually rather bothersome to deal with his hair in such a situation. Washing it was a task that required much skill and agility-that and a whole handful of shampoo. And a hint of patience. At least the shampoo was supplied.
Atsushi fell into the easy familiar rhythm of massaging the suds into his hair. He concentrated on the slippery strands between his palms and nothing else. He refused to let his thoughts sink below a certain level-he was determined to keep them buoyant on a cloud of denial. Happy thoughts…happy thoughts… Or at least neutral thoughts. He could manage those…
It was tough to keep the lightness to his thoughts he soon realized even as he soaped up the rest of his body and then got out the shower hose. The nagging dark thoughts kept trying to get to the front of his mind. There was a moment when he got lost in the torrent of the hot water spray as he finally rinsed off, but that was only a limited reprieve. Newly cleaned and now thoroughly soaked, Atsushi got up and crossed the room to the bath. It was damn hot, but he climbed in quickly. It wasn’t his smartest idea-and he knew better-but it was a major distraction for a good few minutes.
The bath was sunk into the ground and the water spilled over the sides as he submerged himself, spreading across the floor and down through the floor drains. It was oval in shape and big enough for two or three people at the very most, but Atsushi always appreciated the space to himself (…or one other.) There was a window at his eye level that could be opened and closed.
It was closed now, but Atsushi slide over on the stone bench and cracked it open slightly. It was still raining and the cold was quite startling compared to the oppressive heat inside. Despite this however Atsushi leaned his arms on the side of the pool and stared out at the rain-soaked garden. Everything was a beautiful green…except for the patches of once pale, smooth sand that were turning a murky brown. That was its own sort of beauty-the ruined kind. The blemished sort. The one that was only pretty in certain circumstances.
That was depressing.
Atsushi turned away from the window, shoving closed that mental door. Introspective thoughts weren’t light thoughts. Nor were they very neutral.
But analytical ones could be. Lifting his hair out of the water and draping it over his left shoulder, leaving the other shoulder open for the bath towel to rest on, Atsushi took a moment to ponder what he’d been reading before.
Some of the thoughts expressed in that little book had been mere conjecture on the author’s part-and they had said as much. It wasn’t as if they could easily study dead people. Unless they could see them like Atsushi could and easily ask them to sit down to tea for a while…
Okay, that wasn’t helping.
Atsushi sighed. His attempt at thinking light was failing. He should be able to relax. There was more to sitting in the hot water than turning to a wrinkled red lobster. It was a place to sit in beautiful solitude and let stress go. Relax.
“Stop thinking, damn it,” he muttered to himself. That didn’t help either. Not that he’d expected it would.
Too bad he couldn’t just take his brain out and let that soak for a while… Atsushi’s lips twisted into a reluctant grin at the morbid thought. Give a good thorough scrub…
Atsushi snorted a laugh before hoisting himself up and out of the water with both arms. It was getting just a bit too hot in there, so he sat on the stone edge with his feet still in the water and towel resting on the leg nearest the window. He kicked at the still depths idly, causing ripples and wondering how long it would take to clean a brain but not boil it…
“Oh thank God! There you are!”
Atsushi almost fell backwards in shock. His head jerked up as his heart lurched to a full stop-only to see Adam standing over by the showers. The man was dressed in his normal suit and he still had his shoes on. A major faux pas in such a place.
It seemed that he had literally appeared out of nowhere.
There was such an earnestly worried expression on the other man’s face…Atsushi didn’t have a chance to ponder that thought because it quickly morphed into mortification when Adam realized where he was. His skin turned redder than any cherry Atsushi had ever seen...
“If you don’t mind,” Atsushi spoke up, keeping his tone bland.
The man sputtered and stammered and…then he disappeared. Atsushi knew he should feel bad for the man’s discomfort…but he couldn’t help but feel a tad bit satisfied.
Especially since the amount of not-quite-staring the man had done until Atsushi had spoken up was a bit uncalled for…
For the briefest of moments Atsushi thought to get back in the water and just soak a bit more…but the whole illusion of a relaxing bath was completely spoiled now.
“Damn.”
There was no help for it then. He got up and then wandered out into the other room for his full towel. It seemed that Adam knew enough about onsen not to be waiting for him there. Atsushi knew the man wouldn’t just disappear and stay gone, no matter how embarrassed. From his non-standard entrance Atsushi couldn’t help put realize that something had happened.
That thought was enough to make him get dressed hurriedly. He didn’t even take time to do more than rub his hair a bit in a towel and finger-comb it. He had the feeling he would regret that later, but the longer he stood there the more he began to feel a sense of urgency. He barely stepped into his slippers before bursting out the door…and no one was there.
That made sense though-considering what had just happened. But where could the man have gone?
Atsushi hurried back up to his room, wishing for the first time that his so-called “spiritual powers” included a person-locator function. That would be very convenient.
Oddly enough-or perhaps not that oddly-that thought reminded Atsushi of Imai. The reminder was so sharp and strong that he stopped in the center of the hallway abruptly, and almost stepped completely out of his one slipper. Shoving his foot back in, he tried to ignore why Imai kept coming to mind. But it was hard to disregard the feeling of guilt that was gnawing at him. That had been one of the dark emotions he’d tried to keep at bay. Seeing Adam had brought it back to the forefront, however. Atsushi wasn’t sure why that was, but he couldn’t ignore the feeling now that it was now digging at him so ruthlessly.
He had nothing to feel guilty about…except for how he’d been treating the other man lately. Treating all of them, really…
Atsushi closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead wearily. Why couldn’t he just be stalked by a vampire in peace?
The walk back to the room was short…but Adam wasn’t there. Atsushi stood in the center of the room as he had just a few hours before, towels shoved under his arm and his hair a stringy mess. He was beginning to feel rather annoyed.
“Why the hell did you ruin my bath anyway,” he grumbled to the absent man, tossing his towels down on the table. He happened to glance at the clock in that instant…only to realize he was going to be late for dinner.
“Ah shit.”
They didn’t really say anything to you if you were late to dinner here, but it was still rather rude to arrive late when you really did have that far to go… It was only about a five minute walk to the dining room, and Atsushi made it right on time. The woman that greeted him was far too well trained to say anything about his now rather hopeless hair-he wasn’t going to take the ten minutes to comb it out. He did, however, bring a hair tie to pull it back with. He wasn’t fond of eating it in his soup.
The woman led him through the dimly light dining room to a hall lined on each side with private eating rooms. She slide the nearest door aside and motioned for him to enter. There was a large, low table inside surrounded by cushions. It already had the appetizer set out…for one. Atsushi paused in the doorway and took in the sight of that lonely plate…and thought the whole thing was rather pathetic.
He simply sighed, though, and took his seat. The woman took his drink order and then left, sliding the door closed.
Atsushi picked up his chopsticks and, mumbling the typical prayer to himself, he poked at the closest thing on the plate. He really wasn’t hungry, but he knew this was just the first of many courses so he’d better get hungry.
He could hear the murmur of the voices in the next booth over. It sounded like a few men and women together. He couldn’t make out what they were saying-the walls weren’t that thin-but there was just the burble of sound behind him that made his own little room seem that much more empty.
He stabbed the poor defenseless vegetable with much more vigor than was required. Here he was, moping by himself over good food while who-knew-what was going on.
Not for the first time that day he realized that his running away had been a stupid idea. It was just the first time he actually let himself call the act “running away”. That’s exactly what he had done. Run away from what, exactly…he didn’t know.
Atsushi was still quietly ruminating-or as Imai would say, sulking-when the door was slid open again and the serving woman appeared with the next course and his drink. She kept the door open as she knelt down to deliver the items. Atsushi, who had been silently watching her arrange the multiple dishes for the next course on the table, just happened to catch the movement in the doorway out of the corner of his eye and he looked up as Adam slipped in and knelt across the table from him. Atsushi stared, even as the woman politely collected his used plate and backed herself out of the room and closed the door.
“Good evening,” Adam greeted with a smile, hands folded on the table. As if this was a normal dinner meeting.
“She can’t see or hear you, can she?” Atsushi asked, not making a move for his food.
“No, she can’t. Besides, that would take a bit too much explaining, don’t you think?” Adam grinned cheekily. All signs of his early flustered embarrassment were gone. Most likely because Atsushi was fully dressed this time…and not likely to bring it up.
Or so he thought. Atsushi was happy to prove him wrong-even if it was a tad spiteful. “Normally one at least knocks before entering a private bath,” Atsushi remarked off-handedly, finally picking up his chopsticks and pulling some of the meat off the fish set on one of the many plates in front of him.
To Adam’s credit, the man only turned a slight shade of pink this time. “Well, we didn’t know where you disappeared to...”
Atsushi moved on to some of the greens, picking them up daintily. He chewed then swallowed, hoping to swallow some of his rising annoyance too. “So you simply appear randomly in the onsen I happen to be staying at.”
“Err…yes, actually,” Adam confessed, his fingers starting to fidget on the table.
Atsushi frowned, putting down his chopsticks to look at Adam directly. “What are you talking about?”
“Well, you weren’t in your hotel room and so we searched for you and found you here,” Adam said in a rush, before giving a big, shining smile. “This is a very lovely place, you know. Very rustic and-”
Atsushi cleared his throat, and Adam stopped talking abruptly to look at him. To Atsushi, the other man’s expression seemed a bit guilty. Atsushi gazed at Adam for a long moment and the man had to look away after a while. “That doesn’t explain why,” Atsushi spoke at last, drawing Adam’s eyes again. “Or how, for that matter.”
Predictably, Adam latched on the easier explanation. “Well, since our case involves keeping in contact with you, we set up a way to track you if need be… Everyone can be tracked by their own souls, you know…and, well, you…”
“Are shiny, we’ve established that,” Atsushi remarked, his tone dry. He calmly picked up his miso soup and sipped at it. It needled at the back of his mind that he was very much channeling Imai right now in his attitude, but he ignored that voice for now. Imai-attitude was good for subtle intimidation, Atsushi would readily admit. He’d faced it many times in the past. “So, in essence, you’re stalking me.”
Adam spluttered as if he was the one drinking soup. “No! That’s not how it is! We’re looking out for you, and-” he cut himself up abruptly, lips pressing tight against one another. He forced them into a smile. “It might seem that way, but, I assure you, we have your best interests in mind. If you didn’t just disappear the way you did…”
“I told my manager where I was going,” Atsushi pointed out. “You could have asked him-wait, he can’t see you.” So maybe he wasn’t able to swallow his annoyance after all.
“I don’t think he would have told us anyway,” Adam commented, softly.
Atsushi couldn’t argue with that. He picked up his drink-a very nice red wine-and took a long fortifying drink. He was sure that he’d need it if he was to be subjected to Adam’s presence for the rest of the meal. It took him a moment to realize that Adam was staring again. Watching him drink. How weird was that…
“Yes?” Atsushi asked pointedly, putting down his glass. Adam blinked, seeming to come out of a daze.
“Err… You look a lot different with your hair tied back,” Adam commented. He pushed his own hair away from his face as if Atsushi needed the visual to understand what he was talking about. “Very…masculine actually.”
“Why thank you,” Atsushi muttered, attacking his food again. “Good to know that I look like a man.”
“That’s not-” Adam stopped, most likely seeing a losing battle ahead. He shifted a little on his cushions. “It’s been a while since I’ve had to sit like this,” he commented. “We have chairs in the office…”
“You have an office?” Atsushi asked, completely bewildered.
Adam gave Atsushi an amused smile. “Where else would be do our mountains of paperwork?”
Atsushi put down his chopsticks and rubbed his forehead. The fact that there was an office of dead men doing paperwork…should make sense considering what the book had said, but it just…was so bizarre…
“I bet I spend more time in an office in a week than you have in your whole life,” Adam was saying, leaning back on his hands. He looked fully relaxed now, as if he figured Atsushi was distracted from his questioning. He was very wrong.
“So, it was in this office that you learned that I was missing, hmm?” Atsushi asked, finishing off his miso in one last swallow.
Adam opened his mouth to answer, but stopped as someone knocked on the door and the serving woman appeared again, bringing tea and the next course. The silence was very tense in the room, or at least Atsushi thought so. The two men looked at each other over the table. Atsushi was unable to speak, and Adam seemed very unwilling to do so. Atsushi kept his eyes on the man, expecting him to just disappear in the next instant, to run away from the upcoming conversation-but he stayed. They weathered the discomfort together, and soon they were alone again.
Atsushi finally lowered his eyes and stared hard at the bowls and plates arranged before him. “Something happened, didn’t it?”
“Oh, no, nothing’s happened…nothing besides the fact that you disappeared, that’s all…” Adam spoke just a bit too quickly to be telling to truth.
Atsushi didn’t look up. “Please don’t treat me like an idiot. I get that enough as it is.”
“I’m not-” Adam stopped when Atsushi lifted his eyes to gaze at him directly. Adam bit his lip as he looked away. He was silent for a long moment before speaking slowly, as if the reply was being dragged from him bodily. “Well…nothing major happened… It’s just that we still haven’t found out where Baum is…and…”
Atsushi frowned, puzzled. “You were worried?”
Adam’s pointer finger tapped against the table as he looked down at the floor. “I just…” His head lifted abruptly. “I just hate not knowing where that bastard is. We should be able to track him down!”
Atsushi smiled ruefully. So that’s what it was. “Ah…I see.” He picked up his chopsticks to continue eating. A hand suddenly clamped down on his wrist, halting his actions.
He looked up to see Adam leaning over the table, his eyes fierce. “No, you don’t see. I don’t like not knowing where that bastard is because I can’t protect you from him if I don’t know!”
Atsushi was completely taken aback. That wasn’t what Adam had said the other day. He’d made it perfectly clear before that Atsushi was just a lure in his quest to kill a vampire. What was with this ferociousness all of a sudden? Was he playing games? If he was, Atsushi didn’t find them very entertaining.
“That’s perfectly understandable. Unpredictability is very hard to guard against,” Atsushi commented quietly, before trying to yank his hand free. Adam had a surprisingly strong grip. In fact, it hurt a little. “Let go,” Atsushi began to say, but Adam spoke right over him. He stared into Atsushi’s face intently and Atsushi had to fight the urge to look away.
“I was thinking…about what I’d said before…you know, the other day… and it was…it was kinda heartless, wasn’t it? I didn’t mean it that way… I just…I…”
“Fujiwara, you’re rambling.”
Both men jumped at the new, unexpected voice. Adam’s hand retreated in a flash across the table, as if Atsushi was some kind of poisonous snake about to attack. The other man’s grip disappeared so fast that Atsushi’s hand almost hit the table…and Atsushi nearly let it as he turned to his right in surprise. These men were determined to give him a heart attack someday soon.
Makino had appeared kneeling perfectly on the cushion next to Atsushi. His arms were folded across his chest as he glared at Adam. “What are you doing here, Fujiwara?”
“I was checking on Sakurai-san…” Adam looked like a child caught playing where he shouldn’t be.
“You already determined he was here.”
“Well, that was a bit of a rude entrance…”
“So, did you apologize?”
Adam glanced at the floor. “Well…no…”
Makino turned to Atsushi for the first time that evening. “Then I’ll apologize for him, Sakurai-san. Fujiwara isn’t very good at his location abilities…”
Atsushi noticed Adam tense out of the corner of his eye-a strike against his pride, it seemed. Atsushi just shrugged in Makino’s general direction as he picked up his chopsticks and started to eat finally. “Thank you, Makino-san.”
“I’m glad to see you’re safe, Sakurai-san,” Makino added, gruffly. Atsushi nodded. That was enough for Makino. “All right then, Fujiwara, come with me. We’ve bothered Sakurai-san enough.”
Atsushi could hear Adam shuffling against the cushions as he slowly moved to get up. Atsushi continued to eat calmly. It was only when he noticed the motion of Adam rising on the edge of his vision that he spoke up, looking up from his bowl of rice. “Ah… we were having such a nice conversation. You can always stay if you’d like, Fujiwara-san.”
Adam had frozen halfway up from his cushion, hands holding his weight up on the table. His eyes were wide. He had to clear his throat once before managing to croak, “I…err…if you really don’t mind…”
Atsushi shrugged, going back to his meal. He ignored the way his heart was pounding wildly at his own brashness. If they were going to bother him, he might as well get something out of it. And he didn’t feel like being alone right now.
Makino was plainly put out; Atsushi could just feel the annoyance radiating off the man even if he couldn’t see him. But Makino put on his professional voice when he said, “All right then. Enjoy your evening.”
Atsushi continued to eat passively long after the other man disappeared. He felt Adam’s eyes fixed on him firmly…but he continued eating, scrapping the last piece of rice carefully from the wooden bowl. He had the upper hand now. He’d made the first move. Atsushi didn’t like playing with people, but sometimes you just had to. He’d learned that well over the years-mainly from his experiences on the other end.
Adam shifted on his cushion as the silence wore on. “I…err…really should apologize for earlier….I…”
“Is it true that all shinigami died in mysterious ways?” Atsushi finally looked up from his meal at that point, pinning Adam to the spot with his eyes. He knew it was a bit of a rude question, but he really didn’t want to listen to Adam stumbling through an apology. No time like the present to ask some questions.
Adam’s mouth snapped shut. He stared, mouth parted in shock. Then he shook his head, shaggy blond hair flapping in the air. “Wh…what are you talking about?”
Atsushi picked up his wine with shaking fingers. He hoped Adam didn’t notice. “That’s what the research says…that shinigami all want to find out why they died, so that’s why they become a shinigami.”
“Research?” Adam slapped his hands down hard on the table and learned forward, his eyes dark and burning. “Research? What are you talking about?” His voice was remarkably dark for such a simple comment.
Atsushi couldn’t hide the flinch at Adam’s voice. He hadn’t expected such a reaction…at least not so soon. “I was reading-”
“Some kind of rubbish horror literature?” Adam laughed, a truly mocking sound that made Atsushi cringe. “So you just asked me to stay here so you could talk to me about nonsense? Well, no matter how much I may enjoy your company, I don’t think-” Adam’s mouth stopped as soon as his mind caught up with what he’d said. His hands clenched on the tabletop.
Atsushi looked down at his own hands where they rested in his lap, fingers tangled. “I can understand how speaking of your death can be hard-”
“You understand, huh?” Adam breathed out hotly, his voice vibrating with his anger. “Do you now? “
Atsushi didn’t look up. “Yes, to an extent. At least I think so. Because I know how hard it can be from this side of a death… Thinking about all that was left unsaid…undone. I’m sure you feel such things?” Atsushi glanced up under his lashes and saw Adam staring at him as if he’d never seen Atsushi before. It was an expression that could be either good or bad…or a mix of both, a whole jumble of confusion.
Atsushi picked at one of his nail cuticles idly, suddenly feeling nervous. “At least I image you do… I think that I would, if I was…like you.”
Adam sucked in a sharp breath…but whatever he might have said was interrupted by the door sliding open. The serving woman appeared once last time with more tea and the dessert for the evening. She also brought in another glass of wine. Atsushi watched her set everything down as if he found the motions fascinating…but he didn’t. It was nothing but a distraction at best…and a sign of Atsushi’s fading control of the situation at worst.
When she was long gone and the room full of discomfited silence…it was only then that Adam spoke. “I hope you don’t learn what it’s like to be like me…at least not for a very very long time.”
Atsushi didn’t know what to say to that, so he simply nodded. He stared at the glass plate in front of him for a long moment before picking up his chopsticks to pick up a square piece of watermelon…and then drop it again.
“My…my death wasn’t that mysterious,” Adam spoke up at last, his voice slow and ponderous. Almost as if he was talking in a dream. He was staring at the watermelon that Atsushi had just dropped with intense concentration. “I know exactly who did it and why…Or at least I think I know why. You can never know everything about another person… ”
“You don’t-” Atsushi began to say, suddenly feeling immensely guilty.
Adam shook his head even as he began talking in that same quiet tone. “My best friend’s boyfriend beat me to death with a tire iron because, as I understand it, he thought she was cheating on him with me… That’s laughable.” Adam did laugh then, and it was a dark bitter sound. “I didn’t even like w---her that way. And the real funny thing? She was the one who found me, too.” Something twisted behind the placidity of his face. “Her and her little girl.”
Atsushi felt sick. He wrapped his arms around his own torso, fingers clawing into his cotton yukata. “I-”
That was all he could say. He should have known better. He felt like a monster, asking such a question… Curiosity…
Adam shook himself from his little storytelling daze in that moment and looked up. He must have accurately read the expression on Atsushi’s face. His lips parted in surprise. “Sakurai-san,” he whispered.
Atsushi couldn’t look at him anymore. He just couldn’t. He looked down at his folded legs and squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t notice he was crying until a teardrop slipped through his lashes. He opened his eyes as soon as he felt that hot liquid trail start down his cheek. He was mortified. What sort of baby was he?
All of a sudden there were surprisingly warm fingers on his face. “Hey, hey, what’s this?” Adam’s voice was right next to his ear, wobbling just the slightest bit. “Don’t cry.”
Atsushi shifted away from Adam’s touch. “I should have known I wouldn’t fully understand...”
“No, you don’t,” Adam’s voice was very soft. “You don’t understand that for most of us…our death is our past. It’s what made us what we are now…and there’s nothing we can do to change that. So crying over it accomplishes nothing.” Adam reached out a hand again and swiped another errant tear from Atsushi’s face. Atsushi let him without complaint this time.
“But you’re still so bitter…” Atsushi whispered.
“Yeah…I guess I am. It still hurts… a lot. But not because I’m dead…I’ve actually come to accept that by now…but more because of what my friend had to go through because of me.”
“That’s…that’s understandable,” Atsushi replied, lamely. He felt completely knocked off kilter… He wasn’t sure what he’d expected to get as a response to that question. Maybe some murder mystery like out of a novel? But life didn’t work that way, did it?
But he knew…he knew what Adam meant about friendship…about wanting to spare them every pain you could…just because they meant that much to you. He knew that very well.
That’s why he was there. Some part of him had always known that…it had just taken a long time for his brain to recognize it.
Adam shifted abruptly, reaching for the nearby tea pot. He went to fill up the one cup; presumably to hand it to Atsushi, but Atsushi went for the wine instead.
Adam put the pot down. Silence fell for a long stretch of time. Then Adam cleared his throat lightly. “I’m sure there are other things you want to ask me, hmm?” he asked, affably. He settled on the floor right next to Atsushi’s cushion. His knee brushed against Atsushi’s. “Seems you’ve been checking up on us. A fair trade off, I suppose...”
“Maybe I should first ask what you know about me,” Atsushi commented quietly, glancing at Adam sidelong as he swirled his last few sips of wine in the glass.
Adam shrugged; the motion was barely perceptible in Atsushi’s peripheral vision. “You could, I suppose. That would be kinda boring though, wouldn’t it?”
“Considering that I know it all already? Most likely.” Atsushi sniffled in spite of himself. Bringing up his free hand, he scrubbed at his cheek absently. That only lasted a moment before he realized what he was doing and forced his hand back down again.
But, in that moment, he realized that Adam was watching him again. He took the last swig from his wine glass and set it down with a firm tap against the table. The desert from earlier still sat there, waiting, but he wasn’t going to touch it. “I guess I should just assume you know everything, hmm?”
“Well…there’s no way we can know everything.”
“Hmm...that’s right. You can’t know what I’m thinking, can you?” Atsushi shifted so that he could look at Adam more fully, but not directly. “Especially right now, hmm?”
Adam blinked, his face showing his confusion at Atsushi’s words. “Err…yeah. That’s right.” He leaned forward a bit, resting his torso against the table as he tried to look up at Atsushi’s face. “Why? What are you thinking?”
Atsushi smirked. “If I told you, you would know.”
Adam quirked an amused grin. “Ah…true.” His hand suddenly lunged forward and snatched a cube of watermelon off Atsushi’s plate. He held it up, his grin turning cheeky. “Well, anyway, I’m stealing this.”
Atsushi shook his head, biting his lip to keep his amused smile at bay. He made the appropriate giving hand gesture towards his already confiscated fruit. “Be my guest.”
Adam popped the fruit into his mouth and chewed. Then he made a face. “That’s right-seeds,” he said around the fingers he’d shoved into his mouth. “Ever have the seedless ones?”
“Ah…no…” Atsushi remarked. He watched Adam fish around in his mouth with a strange sort of fascination. He actually had very nice hands. Very long fingers.
A pianist’s fingers. Or a guitarist’s.
Atsushi shook his head so fiercely that some of his hair escaped his hair tie and tumbled down over his shoulders.
“How d’ya put up with that anyway?” Adam asked out of the blue, taking his sticky fingers out of his mouth and depositing the seeds on Atsushi’s plate.
“Years of practice,” Atsushi answered a bit testily. He didn’t mean to sound so put upon, but he…was.
“Hmm…” Adam mused quietly, seeming to get lost in thought for a moment…until his hand suddenly darted out for another watermelon cube.
“Don’t forget the seeds,’ Atsushi reminded him, his voice low with warning.
Adam raised an eyebrow at his tone, but did what was asked of him anyway. “You know, I know people who put salt on this stuff…”
“Oh?” Atsushi asked absently.
Something in the mundane conversation seemed to relax Adam, because the man shifted to lounge with his back against the table and looking up at Atsushi directly. “Yeah, they say it makes it sweeter…”
“Is that so?”
Adam smiled. “So I’ve heard.” He popped the now seedless watermelon between his lips. “Thanks for sharing your food by the way. I haven’t had any good fruit in a while.”
Atsushi folded his hands in his lap and watched Adam silently.
The other man’s grin started to fade a bit as Atsushi said nothing. “Nothing else to ask me?” he asked after a moment.
“Well, I could ask what you eat…in your state, but apparently its normal food…” Adam nodded absently. “I could also you about…err….” Atsushi paused, feeling an idiot. He bit his lip, wondering if he should continue. Adam raised his eyebrow and that rather familiar gesture compelled Atsushi to finish in a rush, “About…ah…a shinigami’s magical powers, but that’s rather childish…”
Adam’s eyes lit up. He leaned forward earnestly. “Ah! No it’s not. Because you see, I actually met someone who can manipulate shadows. He’s a bit of a tight-ass…okay, a really big one…but he’s very good at what he does.”
“Shadows?” Atsushi asked, interested despite his misgivings.
Adam nodded. “Yeah. He can make them do a bunch of things… but well, not all shinigami have this ability. He studied it… and has the affinity for it. There are other abilities too…lots of them… I know people who can manipulate wind, earth…the material stuff. And then there’s those who work with time and memories--” Adam stopped suddenly…and then laughed heartily, jerking a thumb in his own direction. “Me, I don’t have the patience for that type of stuff!”
Atsushi frowned lightly. Memories…? His thoughts were cut off when the door slid open. Adam had to scurry out of the way when the woman went to kneel directly on top of him. Atsushi tried hard not to laugh. It took all his concentration to keep a calm smile especially when Adam gave him such a wounded look.
Atsushi decided he had had enough of this little room and he got up shortly after the plates were clear and stepped out into the hallway. Or tried to. His legs didn’t want to work at first. He’d sat still far too long.
So it was a rather ungainly stumble out into the hall. He could live with that. Partially.
Adam followed with much more grace. “Are you alright?”
Atsushi just glared over in Adam’s direction. It wasn’t as if he could answer him out in the open like this.
Adam didn’t quite laugh at him…but Atsushi could read that intention behind his sudden grin. He followed as Atsushi began to walk towards his room, keeping in stride as they made their way down the softly lit hallways. “This really is a beautiful place. Not the place I’d expect a star like you to be, but…”
Atsushi tilted his head to look over at Adam surreptitiously through his hair. “You’re wrong,” he murmured in an undertone.
Adam blinked at him. “What?”
Atsushi kept walking. Adam followed right behind. Atsushi actually didn’t mind the other man tagging along. He had gotten somewhat used to his presence…despite his rather shallow statements…
“What do you mean by wrong?” Adam asked as soon as they stepped into the side hallway. Atsushi pressed a finger to his lips and shook his head.
Adam huffed. “No one’s here, you can talk to me now.”
At the moment a door further down the hall opened up and a young couple came out. Atsushi respectfully stepped aside to let them go past in the narrow hall. He recognized them from earlier that afternoon, but they were too wrapped up in one another to notice him.
It was only once they were gone that Atsushi spoke very softly. “That’s one reason I like it here.”
“What, happy young people?”
Atsushi shook his head, smiling morosely as he looked up at Adam’s confused face. It hit him then just how much he had to look up to meet his eye… “No, not that specifically. I mean the anonymity.”
“Anonymity?” Adam parroted in surprise.
Atsushi nodded, starting down the hall again. Adam tagged along. They walked in silence for a moment before Adam spoke up suddenly, as if the words either had to spill out…or not be said at all. “I don’t understand. You’re a star. Don’t you like the attention, the adoring fans? Isn’t that why you do this?”
Atsushi stopped in the middle of the hall and turned to look at Adam directly. He didn’t care if he looked strange to an outside observer. “No.” Then he started walking again.
Although Adam tried to get a more detailed response, Atsushi refused to speak after that until they made it to the door of Atsushi’s room. As Atsushi fumbled to get the key into the lock, Adam leaned forward and placed his hand on the door. Atsushi turned to look at him.
“‘No’ is a far too simple answer,” Adam remarked softly.
“It is, isn’t it?” Atsushi replied, before turning back around. He got the door unlocked and went to open the door. Adam’s hand was still in the way. “I’m not going to give a detailed answer in the hallway.”
There was a slight hesitation, but Adam soon removed his hand and Atsushi was able to get into his room. Predictably, Adam followed.
After stepping out of his slippers and up on the tatami, Atsushi checked the tiny refrigerator in the entryway. There was a bottle of wine and a small bottle of whisky. “Ah, good,” he remarked, taking both of them and-after a moment’s thought-two glasses from the small cabinet nearby and shuffled off into the next room.
The table had been relocated to the first room, while the second held the newly lain out futon. Atsushi sat down at the table and opened the wine while Adam, having decided to remember his Japanese manners, came in without his shoes on and sat down next to him.
Atsushi filled both glasses and nudged one in Adam’s directly. The other man stared at the wine for a moment before taking it up hesitatingly. “I really shouldn’t…”
Atsushi shrugged. “One glass can’t hurt you, can it? It’s not like you have to drive…”
Adam cracked a smile. “Ah, true… Cheers!” He tipped his glass in Atsushi’s direction before taking a small sip and putting it down.
“Cheers,” Atsushi repeated quietly, taking his own drink. He stared at the dark liquid in contemplation. “Why, huh?” he murmured after a while. He saw Adam visibly perk up in his peripheral vision. “Well, when we were younger becoming pro was a big deal, you know. Made what we were doing worthwhile. Made us all seem less insane for dreaming…”
He smiled gently, swishing his wine in his glass. “We had so much to do back then. There was barely time to breathe, let alone think. New faces sprung up everywhere, we got buried in letters and postcards and fan meetings… but despite that, it was hard to ignore just how happy all of these strangers were because of what we were doing… It’s still strange, even to this day…”
Atsushi looked at Adam directly then. “But, no, that’s not why we do this. It’s a pleasant side effect, for the most part…I suppose. Keeping them happy is a bit of a responsibility, in its own way… But our band doesn’t exist to keep people fawning over us…it exists because it has to, I think. I don’t think we could have done anything else…” here he trailed off, pondering what he’d just said. It was true, wasn’t it? To do something else…
Adam spoke up, drawing Atsushi out of his thoughts. The other man was frowning in thought. “I don’t understand…”
Atsushi laughed lightly, shaking his head to clear his thoughts. “Eh…I’m not surprised. I don’t make sense. I never do, really… but…let me just say…well… I couldn’t imagine not making music with those four… So that’s why we do it…because it feels right to do so…” He looked down at his glass again. “Granted, having money for this kind of stuff is rather nice…and not having to live in a cramped apartment in Shibuya is a plus…but, really…” he shrugged. “Just being able to do what we do…that’s enough in the end, I think.”
Atsushi’s confession was met by silence. He glanced up through the strands of hair around his face to see Adam studying him with tight-lipped contemplation. For some reason that Atsushi couldn’t understand, that expression made his heart begin to pound. Or perhaps it was just the embarrassment of showing just what sort of sentimental fool he really was…
Atsushi jumped a bit when Adam moved suddenly …but it was only to pick up his wine glass. He stared at the liquid for a long moment, before bringing it to his lips and chugging what remained. A bit of the red liquid escaped the corner of his mouth but Adam kept drinking until it was gone. Only when the last drop was gone did he put the glass down and wipe at the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand.
“Is…something wrong?” Atsushi asked, watching this scene with wide eyes.
Adam closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead roughly. “No…no, nothing’s wrong…it’s just that…you… I really should go now,” he stated suddenly, surging to his feet.
Atsushi put down his wine. “All right… if you think that’s for the best…” He felt lonely suddenly, and Adam wasn’t even gone yet.
Atsushi sighed. He truly was pathetic, wasn’t he?
The sound of Atsushi’s sigh made Adam opened his eyes. Something on Atsushi’s face seemed to make him freeze. The two just gazed at once another until Adam spoke. “It was so much easier when you were just a pretty face,” he whispered…then slammed his hand over his mouth. A muffled “fuck” was heard, and then Adam was gone.
Atsushi stared dumbly at the place where Adam has once been. He blinked a few times, trying to wrap his mind around the man’s sudden absence. He really didn’t want to think about what the man had said. He wasn’t blind to the fact that the man was…interested, but since Atsushi had no desire to sleep with a dead man…
Atsushi’s attention wandered to the lonely futon laying completely untouched in the middle of the next room…and the seductive thought that it would be nice to have at least someone there niggled at his brain…and then he promptly picked up his wine and took a very long fortifying drink.
Shut up, he told himself. Just because he felt lonely didn’t mean he needed sex!
Atsushi quietly fumed at himself as he finished the glass and filled another. It wasn’t the most delicious wine he’d ever tasted, but it was serving its purpose for the time being. Although, by this point Imai would have already suggested putting the whiskey in…
That suddenly thought of Imai had Atsushi looking around the deserted room as if he expected his friend to just appear next to him… which wasn’t too odd a thought considering just how many random people had appeared throughout the night…
He scolded himself though. Imai might be a crazy genius…but he didn’t have magic powers. At least not the kind that would let him appear out of thin air.
Atsushi sighed once again, a deep weary sound that made his shoulders slump. He rested an elbow on the low table and then rested his cheek on his fist, staring through his wine glass and into the next room. He rather felt like a moping teenager in that moment but he was too tired to be truly ashamed.
He slowly finished two more glasses-the last fortified with whiskey despite the less than stellar taste-before he decided that he didn’t want to wake up a cripple the next morning and pulled himself over to his futon. He was far too lazy to change into the white bedclothes provided, so he simply crawled in and pulled the covers over his head.
He knew he was being a child, just ignoring his problems like this, but he was far too willing to just say fuck this for a time being. He’d been thinking about it all for too long today. At least he could enjoy this alcohol buzz in some sort of peace. Even if that peace meant laying sprawled face down in a futon…so be it.
At least it was comfortably warm there…
Atsushi was just on the edge of sleep when he heard voices. He cracked open one heavy eyelid but couldn’t see anything. The only reason he didn’t panic, however, was that he recognized the one voice.
Why was Adam back?
“You have to!” the other man demanded in a strained whisper.
“No, I do not,” the other man said, and it took Atsushi a moment to recognized Makino. He thought about rolling over and asking what they were doing in his room, but then Makino continued speaking. The man’s voice was surprisingly cold and steely. “I knew you couldn’t handle this case. The first sign of a pretty face and you’re head over heels. Considering your past, that’s not a surprise.”
“That has nothing to do with it!” Adam insisted, but his voice sounded strange…almost angry and guilty all at once.
Makino snorted. “Don’t even try to deny it. I heard you say the past doesn’t matter, but it does. You can’t just ignore what you are-”
“Shut up!” Adam snapped, his voice just on the edge of a shout. There was a pause and then he continued in a ferocious whisper. “I am not like…like that!”
“You’re just lying to yourself, you know,” Makino commented nonchalantly, as if this was no big deal all of a sudden.
Atsushi frowned into the pillow under his head. He had the intense urge to turn around and look…but he remained still.
“I am not! I…I just am not like what you think of…people with my interests. I can take my job seriously and I will…I will! It’s just…you have to fix this, all right? Just a few…a few minutes… He had some wine… Make it a little fuzzy… Then things can go smoothly again.”
Makino sighed. “My skill isn’t here for your convenience, Fujiwara.”
“But, you did it that other night…”
“Yes, but he was completely wasted. And sleeping. And it was difficult then! This isn’t a simple feat-someday you’ll understand that!” Makino stopped and took a deep steadying breath, as if he was trying to contain an powerful emotion. “And, really, do you really think-considering how much these men drink-that a few glasses of wine would be enough to affect him? Sakurai is a damn alcohol sponge! Besides, you forget that little fact that you pointed out to him-despite my protests, let me remind you. He’d be able to resist any changes I tried to make to his memory, no matter how small.”
Atsushi’s drew in a quick breath as his heart began to pound. Change…his memory? What…?
“But-” Adam persisted.
“Besides, this has nothing to do with the case as a whole. Just stay away from him-no need to socialize!”
“Makino, please!’
“No. I will not do it. I changed Imai’s memories for a reason. Your idle flirtations-“
Makino didn’t get a change to finish his reprimand. Atsushi sprang up from his bed onto his knees and whirled around to face the two men who stood in the doorway. “You did what?” he demanded, ignoring his spinning head in order to stare the two openly shocked men down.
“Sakurai-san, we thought you were asleep!” Makino stared, trying to placate, while Adam just stood there staring like a statue.
Atsushi pushed himself to his feet. He’d never felt this angry in so long-it was as if every muscle in him was coiled to spring. “What do you mean you changed Imai’s memories?” he asked coldly, keeping his fury out of his voice only through sheer will.
Makino blinked. “You must have heard wrong, Sakurai-san. I said nothing-”
“Don’t lie to me!” Atsushi thrust an accusatory finger in Makino’s direction. His whole arm trembled in fury. He was sure he looked quite hysterical in that moment, but he couldn’t care. “What did you do to Imai!”
Makino actually took a step backwards. “Sakurai-san, please calm down-”
Atsushi pressed his lips together firmly and he glared at Makino darkly, but stayed silent long enough for Makino to feel he could safely continue speaking. The other man put on his falsely calm but oh-so-condescending tone that made Atsushi’s hackles rise even more.
“Ah…you see, I didn’t do anything to harm your friend, Sakurai-san… I just help him forget that one night, that’s all. I’m sure you didn’t want your friend to share in the whole stress of this investigation…”
That was…that was true, Atsushi had to admit even as he seethed with a white hot rage. But that…that didn’t give this...this bastard the right to mess around in Imai’s head. Out of everything that Imai valued about himself…an aspect that Atsushi valued the most about Imai…was that mind…and to have someone just go playing around in it as if they had a right…
If Atsushi had been a truly violent person he would have tried to kill Makino right at the moment-disregarding the futility of the attempt. But he was too weak for that…all he could do was quiver in building fury.
“Fix it,” he grit out between his clenched teeth.
Makino looked a bit taken aback at first, but then his face smoothed over. “I’m sorry Sakurai-san, but I really can’t do that… You see, it’s not a good idea to-”
“Mess with someone’s memories at all!” Atsushi shouted, his hands balling into angry fists at his sides.
Makino took a quick glance around the room. “You shouldn’t be so loud Sakurai-san…” he started, apparently concerned to draw attention to the room…but Atsushi didn’t care.
“How…how dare you! To think you have the right… You bastard!” Atsushi just couldn’t find the right words for the emotions bubbling in his chest at that moment, so he ended up sounding like a babbling idiot.
He saw that thought reflected in Makino’s too-smooth expression. “Such words aren’t necessary, Sakurai-san. I assure you that if I could I would do as you ask, but there simply is no way…”
Atsushi bit his lip in his frustration…so hard that he tasted blood in his mouth. He ignored it in favor of glaring Makino down. But he couldn’t say anything to that…he couldn’t do anything, could he? How the hell could he get back at a dead man? Complain to his boss? Atsushi didn’t even know who that was…
He felt trapped all of a sudden…trapped with these men…in this situation…in his anger…
A hint of a smirk appeared on Makino’s thin face… Atsushi felt the wild desire to rip that grin right off…but it was short lived. The bastard was enjoying this!
Atsushi’s nails dug into his hands as he tightened his fists. There was one thing he could do… the only thing he had some sort of power over…
“Get out.” Atsushi whispered hoarsely.
Makino appeared a bit surprised by that abrupt order. But he soon recovered, his face turning blank again. “Sakurai-san,” he began in that placating voice of his, but Atsushi spoke right over him.
“I don’t care what you have to say. Get the fuck out of my room!”
Makino’s lips pursed at the language. “Really, Sakurai-san, I don’t-”
“And stay the fuck away from me! Me and my band members!” Atsushi’s eyes narrowed even as his voice quivered with his anger. “It would serve you right if your mission failed because of your own actions, wouldn’t it Makino-san?”
Makino actually flinched then. “I don’t see how my mission can fail-”
Atsushi forced his arms to relax enough so that he could fold them over his chest, the long, wide sleeves of his yukata giving the move more of a dramatic effect. He didn’t say anything though. Let Makino think of his own ways that Atsushi could screw things up. The way the man’s words trailed off…and the calculating look in his eye told Atsushi enough that his threat was a good one. Not the strongest by any means, but the best he could do.
“No, don’t…” Those tiny words were the first reminder that Adam was still in the room. He was staring at Atsushi with huge eyes. “Don’t even threaten something like that…” he whispered, his face pale.
Atsushi resolutely did not look at him as he said, coldly, “Get out, the both of you.”
Makino apparently had enough because he disappeared without saying a word. Adam remained behind however. Atsushi still didn’t look at him. He just stared angrily at a distant wall, jaw clenched.
“Sakurai-sa-”
“Don’t say a word. I heard what you planned to do,” Atsushi remarked stonily, not wanting to listen to Adam try to plead his way out of this. “And what you let him do. So just get out.”
“I-”
Atsushi turned in that moment and gave Adam the full brunt of his anger. “GET OUT!”
If possible, Adam’s face paled even further…and then he swallowed and disappeared after Makino.
Atsushi stood frozen for a moment, his blood still boiling… and then his shaking legs gave out on him and he was forced to sink back down on his futon in a pile of tangled limbs. His fingers dug mercilessly into the quilted coverlet as he seethed…until all his anger died and there was nothing left but for him to stare blindly at the pale cream of the distant wall.
That moment was like a total emptying of himself…he couldn’t even find any tears. His eyes were painfully dry as he brought his hands up to burrow into his hair, digging tight against his scalp. He hunched down, staring blankly at his knees.
How had this…why had this… All of this…
His fingers tightened painfully.
All that he’d just learned…it change everything…and yet nothing.
He knew now that he couldn’t trust any of his so-called ‘helpers’…those who claimed to be trying to protect him…they were all liars and played him for a fool…
But…at the very same time… He still couldn’t tell anyone. No one would believe him…and now there was no way that Imai could remember on his own…
Atsushi truly was alone in this.
Atsushi rocked back and forth on his futon, pulling himself into a tighter ball. He didn’t want to be here anymore, he decided in a rush of feeling that nearly blindsided him. He didn’t want to be here where it was just duplicity and pain… He wanted…he…
He lifted his head blindly and the first thing his eyes focused on was the phone by the television, and he knew…
He knew that, for some insane reason, after all that had happened tonight…after all the betrayal that had happened to him…he just wanted to call Imai and apologize. To tell Imai that he’d been a jackass…that he shouldn’t have been angry with him…that it was all Atsushi’s fault… that Imai should come and take him home…
Atsushi took a deep wavering breath and let it out. His limbs were still shaking even as he stretched one hand out for the phone…
Then he saw the clock. It was three in the morning. And he didn’t know Imai’s room number.
And, besides, Imai probably didn’t want to talk to him anyway….especially not now…
Atsushi let his hand drop dejected back down on the coverlet. He sat in the silent room just breathing quietly, trying to ignore how his breath hitched. He would just have to wait…wait until the morning…then he could call and maybe…maybe Imai would listen to him as he …as he what? Begged for forgiveness? What would Imai say to that…?
Atsushi bit his lip again…and it hurt. Atsushi frowned in confusion as he brought his fingers up to his mouth. He felt the blood there and brought his hand down and saw it on his fingertips…
He stumbled clumsily to his feet and made his way towards the sink area in the washroom. Fumbling for the switch, he managed to turn the light on and, squinting in the harsh light, he looked at himself in the mirror.
His lips were bleeding all right…but that wasn’t what bothered him the most. He could see his teeth through his parted lips…and they were red too.
Atsushi stared at his reflection in growing horror. He scrubbed the back of his hand over his mouth, but all that did was spread the blood on his skin instead…and that was too much.
Atsushi backed out of the room until his back hit the door to the toilet. He actually didn’t realize that he’d done so until the handle dug painfully into his back. He turned his head and stared at that handle blankly for a long moment before opening the door and stepping inside.
Sitting down in the small space between the toilet and the closed door Atsushi curled up there, head resting on his knees, for the rest of the night.
Because it was, sadly, the safest place he could think of.