House, MD: Momentary Lapse (6/6)
Title: Momentary Lapse
Authors: Adriana DiVolpe and LevinaIndigo
Fandom: House, M.D.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Cuddy/House/Wilson/Chase/Thirteen
Summary: See pairing. Just... see pairing.
Category: Humour/Crack
Disclaimer: Characters are the property of FOX.
Warnings: Slash, Femslash, and Emo!Cameron. Also probably a couple bad words, and implied sexual situations. And also crack, lots of it.
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Momentary Lapse: Deleted Scene
Pairings: House/Wilson, Cuddy/Thirteen, Cameron/box
Rating: M for language... there are a lot of F-shots in this one
Warnings: Cameron Bashing, Slash, Femslash, Swearing, Drinking
Author's Notes: All right, this is a deleted scene from the story. We totally didn't write it after the story was already finished. We swear. Seriously.
Cameron/box is dedicated to BlunderousBlueBrigade, for reasons that will probably not be understood by anyone else.
This takes place somewhere between Cuddy telling them she's pregnant, and taking the paternity test.
House refilled Chase’s glass with tequila, slopping a little over the side onto his desk.
“Cheers,” Chase said, raising his glass at House in a grateful gesture.
“Me too!” Cameron insisted, poking House on the elbow.
House sighed. “Why are you still conscious?”
“I’m like… good at drinking,” she said after a thoughtful pause.
“Apparently that’s about all you’re good at,” Foreman muttered.
Cameron looked over at him. “What?”
“Nothing,” Foreman said quickly, taking another swig of his tequila.
“Should we really be doing this at work? At nine in the morning?” Chase slurred. That didn’t stop him from draining the bottom of his glass.
“Why not?” Cameron asked.
“Uh… Because we could get fired?” Wilson snickered, allowing House to refill his glass.
“Oh… Yeah…” The elbow that was supporting her slipped off the desk and she flopped forward into Chase’s lap.
“Aah!” Chase jumped slightly in surprise.
“Hi,” Cameron giggled. She played with the buckle on his belt.
“Cameron,” he said nervously, looking around at the others, “Not here!”
“By all means,” House encouraged, “I’ve pretty much exhausted my supply of doctor-on-doctor porn.”
Foreman raised an eyebrow. “They have that?”
“Well… It’s more like nurse-on-nurse… And I doubt they have any medical training…”
Cameron giggled again.
“But they did seem to have a thorough knowledge of human anatomy,” House mused, downing another shot of tequila. “Anyone?” he asked, offering the bottle around.
Chase, Foreman, Wilson and Cameron moved their glasses forward on the desk and had them refilled.
“Shh, guys, I think I hear something,” Cameron shouted.
They could hear heels clicking on the tiled floor.
They all scrambled to shove their glasses and the bottle out of sight, and tried to wipe the guilty looks off their faces.
But it was just an unfamiliar secretary.
They all sighed.
Wilson suddenly had an idea. “Hey! We should go get food!”
“Me too!” Cameron agreed, unaware that her response didn’t really make sense.
There were nods of assent around the room.
“Then it’s decided,” House said, moving to the door. “We infiltrate the enemy stronghold and rescue the captive… food.”
The group stumbled through the halls until they reached the main lobby, when they realized they had overlooked a serious flaw in their plan.
“We have to cross in front of Cuddy’s office to get to the cafeteria,” Wilson pointed out.
“It’s okay, we’ll just… be sneaky,” Cameron said, moving stealthily forward.
“Oh, God.” Chase covered his face. “We’re going to get fired.”
Cameron had made it halfway across the window to Cuddy’s office when she tripped over her foot and fell on her face.
Everyone sucked in their breath.
“Oh God, I’m going to lose my job!” Wilson cried. “I like my job! How did I let you talk me into this?” he shouted at House, panic-stricken.
“Shut up,” House urged him, focused on Cameron and the doorway.
Cameron was picking herself up off the floor slowly, tears in her eyes, when the door to Cuddy’s office swung open.
Cameron froze.
Everyone else held their breath.
Cuddy stared at Cameron. “What are you, like… doing here?” she wondered.
“We just were going to the cafeteria, and I fell,” Cameron explained, rubbing her elbow.
Cuddy stared at her.
Cameron braced herself, ready to be yelled at.
But Cuddy just burst out laughing. She covered her mouth with her hand, leaning her weight against the door frame.
Cameron tilted her head in confusion.
The four men in the hallway looked at each other, eyebrows raised.
“I’m sorry,” Cuddy managed between laughs, “I just… It was funny.”
House cocked his head. “Are you drunk?”
Cuddy swayed slightly, her laughter returning.
House stared at her. “Oh my God. You are.”
She stumbled away, back to her couch and plopped down on the cushions, reaching forward for the bottle of vodka on the table.
Chase got there first. He held the bottle out of her reach. “Shouldn’t you probably not be drinking?”
“I’m good at drinking,” Cameron piped up, laughing.
Cuddy pouted. “Don’t tell me what I can’t do.”
“Well you don’t tell me what… I can’t tell you that… you… telling… me…” Cameron seemed to be trying to count on her fingers as she attempted to end her sentence.
Chase tried to talk some sense into the Dean. “Cuddy, really, you probably shouldn’t be drinking, what with the baby and-”
Cuddy gasped loudly. “I love babies!” she slurred. She paused, then excitedly gasped again. “I have a patient; she loves babies.”
She lowered her voice conspiratorially. “Did you know they’re inside of you, little people.” She pointed at her stomach. “In here.”
“Yeah… I know… So you should-”
“Like… leprechauns, in your stomach, but not shiny.” She glanced at her watch. “I have to… Have doctor… I mean.” She held her head and shook it slightly. “I have doctor shit to do!” She brushed quickly past House and Wilson.
“Wait, Cuddy, you can’t… You…” Wilson giggled, unable to finish.
“Lightweight,” House muttered, not really paying attention.
Foreman stared around at the others in confusion. “What the hell was that?”
“Oh, you’ve never seen her drunk,” House told him. “That’s what that was.”
“That was… something.” Chase shook his head.
“I can’t tell… babies… what to do?” Cameron asked Chase, wondering if that was the conclusion she had been trying to reach earlier.
He shook his head. “No. You can’t.”
“Aww…” She crossed her arms, dropping down to the couch in disappointment.
“Did she say she was going to see a patient?” Chase said, suddenly remembering.
House nodded. “Yeah. I think so.”
Chase stared at him. “Well shouldn’t we stop her?!”
House blinked. “Why?”
A pained expression came over Wilson’s face. “…I think I’m going to be sick.” He spun and fled down the hallway.
“Okay!” Cuddy said loudly, walking into her patients room. She snapped a latex glove halfway over her hand, the fingers of the glove hanging down sadly. “What problem seems to be… the problem?”
The woman stared at her in shock. “Are you all right?”
“I’m great; how are you?” she replied happily. She began to hum tunelessly, looking around the room. “Now what did I do with my… listening… thingy?” She mimed taking something from around her neck and putting it into her ears.
“Stethoscope?”
“That’s what it’s called!”
“…Are you even a real doctor?”
“I insure you,” Cuddy said seriously, “I am a real doctor. I went to, like… doctor school and everything.”
The woman slowly reached for the nurse call button.
Cuddy gasped suddenly, dropping the file she was holding. “You have a tiny people inside you!” She pointed at the woman’s stomach.
Cuddy walked up to the woman and leaned over onto the bed. “I have a ba… blabie… tiny people too.” She pressed her finger to her lips and slurred, “Shhh, it’s a secret.”
“Yes… That… that’s nice…” The woman pressed the call button frantically.
“Is everything all ri-”
“I got this!” Cameron shouted, knocking the nurse out of the way. “What seems to be the officer, problem?”
House, Chase and Foreman stood in the doorway behind her. House nodded towards Foreman. Foreman rolled his eyes and then dragged Cameron out of the room and down the hall.
“She’s out of her mind!” the woman on the exam table screeched at House.
“I’ll have you know, missy,” Cuddy said importantly, struggling to keep herself upright, “that I am the fucking Dean of fucking Medicine.” She giggled. “I’m the Dean of Fucking.”
“Yes, we know.” House stepped towards Cuddy, trying to keep her from falling over.
“We all know,” agreed Chase.
“Come on, Cuddy.” House held out his hand. “You have to come with us now.”
“I don’t want to go with you!”
“We’ll give you your booze back,” House grinned.
Chase shook his head feverishly. “House! We can’t-”
“Shhh!” House quickly silenced Chase.
Cuddy cautiously stumbled over to House. “Can… Can we talk about-”
“We can talk about all the tiny people you want, Cuddy.”
Cuddy squealed and leaned her weight into House, burying her nose in his neck. “You smell like Wilson,” she giggled.
Chase raised an eyebrow at him.
“Oh, Cuddy,” House said, moving her hair away from her face, “You’re so drunk that you’re getting me mixed up with Wilson.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck, leaning onto him so heavily he almost fell over.
Chase jumped over to catch House. “All right, I think we need to go sit down.” He began to lead them into Cuddy’s office.
“I miss Wilson,” Cuddy exclaimed sadly. “Where did he go?”
“I think he saw a nurse he hasn’t slept with yet,” House told her, helping Chase lower her to the couch.
Cuddy held her arms out expectantly. “Booze?”
“Nope.” House sat in the chair next to the couch.
Cuddy looked aghast. “But you promised!”
“I lied.”
She huffed, crossing her arms and leaning back on the couch.
Chase paced back and forth. “What are we going to do? That patient’s going to tell every one that the Dean of Medicine was drunk! They’re going to shut the hospital down, they-”
“Oh, get a grip, Chase. The worst they’ll do is fire Cuddy. It’s not like we look drunk… Well, Cameron does.”
“So does Wilson.”
House donned his serious face. “We’ll just have to make sure none of them are seen by any patients.”
“Patient!?” Cuddy shot up off the couch. “I have one of those!”
“No, you don’t!” Chase insisted, pushing her back down, putting his hands on her shoulders to keep her there.
“But…” Cuddy protested, struggling against Chase. She gave up, sighing.
He released her shoulders, stepping back and resuming his pacing.
Cuddy whined, tossing and turning, attempting to get comfortable on the couch. “I’m bored.”
“We don’t care,” House told her, standing from the chair.
“What are we going to do?” Chase demanded. “Do we even know where Cameron got to?”
“Oh, hey! A spinny chair!” Cuddy yelled suddenly and scrambled over to her office chair.
Chase and House watched as Cuddy proceeded to spin quickly around in the chair.
Wilson walked in, glancing down at his watch. “I feel much better now, I-”
He looked up just in time to see Cuddy suddenly stop spinning and throw up on the floor. Wilson blinked, then slapped a hand over his mouth and ran from the room again.
“Damn it, Cuddy!” House scowled. He turned to Chase. “You watch her for a minute.”
“But, but you--” Chase protested as House left the room.
Wilson leaned against the wall, having already been sick in the garbage can nearest to him.
“I’ve got something that will help.”
Wilson looked over toward House, who reached inside his suit jacket and produced a flask.
“Oh… I don’t know, I--“
House shoved the open end of the flask into Wilson’s mouth before he had a chance to finish talking.
Wilson took the flask from House’s hands and downed the rest.
“That’s a good boy.” House grinned.
“House!” Chase yelped from inside Cuddy’s office. “For the love of God, help me!”
House rubbed his chin. “I don’t know… Love God?”
Wilson giggled, but since Chase wasn’t in the hall to hear House talking to himself, he just kept screaming in vain for help.
House sighed, returning to Cuddy’s office. Wilson wandered toward the Nurse’s Station.
“What?” House demanded, storming into Cuddy’s office. He tilted his head, seeing that Cuddy had somehow managed to get Chase’s shirt halfway off. “Well… This is interesting.”
“Would you get her off me?!”
“I kind of have to get back to Wilson.”
“What?! He’ll be fine! I’m the one that needs help!”
“Yeah, see… I kind of… may have given him more to drink.”
Chase paused. Cuddy took the opportunity to fiddle with more of his shirt buttons. “You what?!”
“I decided that--“
“That is it!” Chase roared.
Both House and Cuddy froze and looked at him.
“I’m sick of this! This is ridiculous! We’re all adults here, and this should just not be happening!” Chase jabbed a finger at the door. “Go to the Diagnostics Office!”
Cuddy hung her head and slunk away toward the door.
“You can’t tell me what to do,” House snorted.
“NOW!” Chase yelled louder. House reluctantly obeyed.
Chase, House, and Cuddy walked into the hall.
Wilson leaned an arm on the counter of the nurses’ station. “So, what are you doing later?”
The nurse at the desk looked up at him. “Um… Doctor Wilson?”
“Hey, nice shoes. Bet they'd look much better in my pants.”
Her eyebrows shot up much like Foreman’s would.
“Wait... I mean… Are you from heaven?”
“Um…” She looked around, presumably for help to get drunk Wilson away from her.
“Because I’ve got an erection.”
“Doctor Wilson!” Chase almost yelled.
Wilson winced. “What?”
The nurse took this opportunity to run like hell in the opposite direction.
Chase crossed his arms and glared. “Diagnostics Office. Now!”
Wilson whined and trudged toward the elevators.
House and Wilson stepped into the first elevator. House brought his cane up to block Cuddy and Chase from getting in.
“Sorry, you’ll have to take the next one.”
“But--” The doors closed. “House… House!” Chase hit his fist against the elevator door.
Cuddy giggled. “They’re going to make out.”
Chase sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. “This is worse than high school.”
Cameron stumbled into the supply room.
“House!?” she cried out. “Are you in here?” Her voice shook; she had lost all of her co-workers and felt so alone.
Her eyes suddenly lit up. There on the floor in front of her was an empty box which once had held medical supplies.
She knelt down and caressed the side of it. “You’re so beautiful,” she gushed, and opened the top flaps.
Cameron wrapped her arms around the box made of corrugated cardboard. “Oh, box. You love me don’t you?”
She gasped and pulled back. “No… No, I couldn’t, I just met you.”
She gave a lopsided smile, then stood. “Okay, but only because you asked so nicely.”
Cameron stepped inside the box and sat down. She grinned, running her hands along the sides.
“What the hell took you guys so long!?” Thirteen yelled as Chase, Cuddy, Wilson and House trudged into the room.
“You would know if you had been on time this morning,” House glared, dropping into a chair at the table.
“Chase is going to yell at us.” Cuddy pouted, as did Wilson.
“You’re damn right I am!” Chase screamed from behind them.
Thirteen leaned in to sniff Cuddy. “Are… Are you drunk?” she asked with a frown, stepping back.
“Again, if you hadn’t been off gallivanting you would know that, or be drunk as well,” House told her.
Thirteen cleared her throat. “I don’t think that’s the issue right now, Dr. House.”
Cuddy clung to Thirteen and put her hands on her stomach. “Awwww, don’t you have a little people?”
“No… No, you have a baby.”
Wilson dropped himself in the seat next to House, and Thirteen sat with Cuddy on the opposite side of the table.
“Now, Doctor Chase, commence the yelling,” House said, immediately turning his attention back to Wilson.
“This is serious!” Chase bellowed.
Wilson giggled, running his fingers along the side of House’s face.
“We could be fired!” Chase continued, starting to pace.
Cuddy nuzzled her face into Thirteen’s neck. A smile tugged Thirteen’s lips and she tucked a lock of Cuddy’s hair behind her ear.
“I can’t believe this!” Chase yelled at the others. “How can you people not care?!”
Wilson moved his chair closer to House’s, and clumsily wrapped his arms around House’s neck.
“We’re seriously fucked now! Everyone knows we’re all fucking wasted!”
Cuddy kissed her way up Thirteen’s neck, pausing to nibble at her earlobe. Thirteen giggled slightly, tangling her fingers in Cuddy’s hair.
“God, we’re all going to go to jail! I can’t go to jail! I’m too pretty!” He dragged a hand through his hair roughly, rubbing the back of his neck in frustration.
Cuddy grasped Thirteen’s jaw and turned her face toward her own. Joining their lips hungrily, she wrapped her arms around Thirteen’s neck, pulling her closer.
“And Cuddy… Look, I know it’s really none of my business, but I’ve got to say something. You’re pregnant, and you shouldn’t be drinking. You’re a doctor for Christ’s sake. You should know better.” He shook his head. “I mean, what were you thinking?” Chase glanced over at Cuddy. “Are you even listening to me? Cuddy?” He looked around at the others. “Is anyone listening?”
House grinned and brought his lips to Wilson’s. Wilson’s grip tightened and House snaked his arms around Wilson’s waist pulling him closer.
Thirteen leaned into Cuddy’s body, hands wandering up her back.
Chase threw up his arms, giving up. He dragged back a chair and dropped heavily into it, crossing his arms and trying to ignore the absolute immaturity going on around him.
“You guys!” Cameron shouted in excitement, running into the office. “I love box!”
Thirteen snickered, pulling her lips from Cuddy’s. “What a coincidence! That’s what I said to your mom last night!”
Cameron stared at her in confusion. “Huh?”
Thirteen shook her head. “Oh, my God.”
Cameron continued. “No! Box! I love it!” She dragged a cardboard box in with her from the hallway.
Everyone stared at her.
“…That box?” Chase asked, pointing at the box.
Cameron nodded excitedly.
“…You love it,” Thirteen repeated, completely forgetting the fact that Cuddy was still attacking her neck with her lips.
“Yes!” Cameron whined. “Why is our love so difficult for all of you to accept?”
“Because that is a cardboard box!” Chase insisted, gesturing wildly at the box. “It’s not even alive!”
“We don’t have to listen to this!” Cameron shouted, wrapping her arms around box. Her eyes began to fill with tears.
Thirteen laughed silently into her hand. As Cuddy’s mouth worked its way up to her ear she suddenly remembered she had better things to be doing than arguing with Cameron about whether a person and a cardboard box could share a long and happy life together. Thirteen turned her attention back to Cuddy.
Chase put his face in his hands, shaking his head. Days like this he really wished he was back in Australia, playing happily with the koalas and wombats, running free in the open fields and climbing the Eucalyptus trees.
“You don’t love box?” Cameron asked Chase, hurt.
“No! I don’t love box! And frankly, I have no idea what’s so great about box, anyway!”
House burst out laughing.
“What?” Chase snapped at him. Realization dawned. “Oh, great, really mature, House.”
“Box and I are leaving! We’ll go somewhere where we’re not mocked, somewhere we can be free to love!” Cameron cried, picking box up and running from the room.
Chase just shook his head.
“Hey, Wilson,” House asked, looking at Wilson. “Do you love box?”
Wilson giggled. “I love box.”
“Shut up,” Chase sulked, crossing his arms.
Cameron skipped happily down the hallway, holding box in her arms. She passed an empty hospital room with the door open. She stopped to have a second look.
“Look, box! A room… An empty room…” She looked down at box. “Oh, we couldn’t…” She paused. “Well… All right, if you really want to…”
She took box into the empty room, closing the door behind her.
“Oh, box,” Cameron gasped breathlessly, “That was incredible!” She caressed the cardboard side of the box. “I could get used to this.”
Throwing her head back against the pillow, she sighed contentedly. “Oh, box,” she gushed, “I love you so much. I can’t wait until we get married.” She trailed her fingertips along the rim of box’s flaps. “I want lots of kids.” She threw her arms around box happily.
After a moment, her eyes flew open. “What do you mean, you don’t want kids?”
Foreman jumped aside just quick enough to avoid being hit by a cardboard box that came flying at him from one of the hospital rooms. “Jesus!” he cried in alarm, looking around to see who was throwing things at him.
He poked his head in the door of the closest room and found Cameron, sobbing loudly into the pillow on the narrow bed.
“Cameron?” He approached the bed and saw she was wearing nothing but the sheet she was wrapped up in.
“Go away,” she sobbed, not lifting her head from the pillow.
“Cameron, what’s…”
“I said get out!” she screamed, raising a tear-stained face to glare at Foreman. “Leave me alone!”
Foreman backed away quickly, closing the door. He wasn’t getting involved in that, whatever it was. Sighing, he picked the cardboard box up off the floor and began to flatten it down, muttering to himself as he walked away.
“Okay, you guys,” Cuddy complained, walking into the Diagnostics Office, “I just came from the bathroom, and there’s no fucking soap in there.”
House and Wilson weren’t listening, though. They were too busy making out.
Chase shrugged.
“What bullshit,” Cuddy continued angrily, stalking over to the sink.
“Aren’t you getting a bit too upset by this?” Chase asked, raising his eyebrows.
“Well, this is a hospital, we should be setting standards for hygiene and-“ She pushed the pump on the soap a number of times. “This one is empty too! What the fuck is this?” She spun around on her heel. “Who’s the fucking Dean around here?!” she roared, “They’re fucking fired!”
“Uh…” Chase looked around at the others for some help. House and Wilson didn’t pay the slightest attention. Thirteen shook her head furiously at him. “You are, Cuddy,” he told her, turning back.
“What?! Fuck that shit. What the fuck is this shit?!” Stalking back to the table, she threw herself into a chair with disdain, crossing her arms.
Chase cleared his throat. “Anyway… What are we gong to do?”
Cuddy looked at him. “About what?”
“About this! All of this!” He gestured wildly. He turned to Thirteen, hoping at least she had some idea what was going on.
Thirteen shrugged. “I didn’t really do anything wrong. I was just ten minutes late for work today. You guys are the one who got hammered at work.”
Chase sighed. “What are we going to do?” he repeated.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have been drinking.”
“Well, it’s a little late for that now!” he shouted, running a hand through his hair in frustration.
Thirteen shrugged again.
“What if we, like…” Cuddy paused to think. She puffed out her cheeks and stared blankly into the distance. Then she suddenly burst out laughing. “I’m so wasted right now, you have no idea.”
Chase squeezed his eyes shut and massaged the bridge of his nose. “Oh, I have some idea, believe me. Even though you shouldn’t be.” He paused. “Why did you do it, Cuddy?”
“I DUNNO LOL” She spread her hands and shrugged her shoulders.
Thirteen laughed. Chase sighed.
Meanwhile, on the curb outside…
Box sat on the curb forlornly, watching the cars pass. They had put box out for recycling, throwing it away just like so much used Kleenex, which was beside box in a plastic bag.
Box silently wondered why. Why? Had it not been a good box? Had it not been there for them when they had needed it?
It remembered the good times, watching the nurses come in to refill their stocks of gloves and thermometers, watching the older doctor with the cane make out with the brown-haired man with the bushy eyebrows in the supply closet.
It remembered the bad times, seeing its old friends being flattened and dragged outside once their contents had been emptied, being kicked by nurses and secretaries in pointy shoes. It remembered being nibbled on once by a large dark-grey rat before the grizzled doctor with the cane came in and scooped the rat up, muttering something about being a sneaky escape artist.
But mostly, box remembered Cameron. Cameron had cared for box in a way that no one ever had before. Box didn’t know such feelings existed, such warm feelings of love and contentment.
And now Cameron was gone, and box was alone in a frightening new world. Rain began to fall, soaking box completely and causing it to become soggy. Box slumped.
But box did not allow itself to give in to complete despair. It knew that today was going to be a day of new beginnings.
Box had a dream, a crazy dream. It had always wanted to be a box for spare refrigerator parts. Perhaps this time would be that time.
But it would never forget Cameron. It would always remember her shrill, whiny voice, and the way her eyes glistened with tears when box held her in his walls.
No, box would never forget Cameron. Box only hoped that one day, it would be able to love again.
Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice-erm, back inside the hospital…
“I like, am such a bad person,” Cuddy whined, covering her face with her hands. She was sprawled out on the couch in her office, her head in Thirteen’s lap.
Wilson and House were on the other couch, and Chase was in Cuddy’s chair.
“Like, if I were me, I would just say to myself, ‘Cuddy, you’re like, such a bad person. You’re totally fired.’ And then I would be fired.” She paused, thinking. “You know what?” she said, struggling to sit up, “I am me. Cuddy, you’re like, fired. You suck.” She wasn’t successful in sitting up and she fell back into Thirteen’s lap. Thirteen ran her fingers through Cuddy’s hair, trying to get her to calm down. Cuddy sighed.
“Why did you do it, Cuddy?” Chase spoke suddenly, echoing his question from earlier.
“I don’t know,” she sighed. “I just like, woke up this morning, and like, everything seemed so hard. Like, nobody knows, right? I’m like, the Dean of fucking… whatever it’s called, and everyone’s always like, ‘Oh Cuddy, you’re so awesome, we totally need you to do everything all the time’, and like, it’s really hard to be so awesome all the time sometimes.” She looked up at Thirteen. “You know? Like, and now, I’m gonna have a baby, and I don’t even know which of yours it is.” She swept a hand across the room in an effort to include Chase, House and Wilson. She covered her face again.
Chase ran a hand through his hair, sighing. Wilson looked like he was about to throw up again. House shrugged.
“Like, what kind of a failure is that?” Cuddy continued, removing her hands from her face and throwing them up with disdain. “How can anyone fail so badly? What an epic fail.”
Thirteen scratched Cuddy’s scalp softly, like you might pet a dog. “It’s not so bad,” she said gently.
Cuddy looked up. “How is it not so bad? Did you ever sleep with three of your co-workers, and then end up pregnant and not know whose it was?”
“Well… not the second part.”
“I didn’t think so.” She closed her eyes.
“Well maybe…” Wilson began, seeming to lose some of his nerve as everyone turned to look at him. “I mean… Well… Didn’t you say… Didn’t you say you…”
House rolled his eyes. “Spit it out already.”
“Didn’t you say you wanted to have a baby?” He looked like he’d thought better of his words once they were out.
“Not like this. This is just stupid.”
“Well… Does it really matter how it happened?” Wilson ventured.
House sat up, foreseeing Wilson getting reamed.
Cuddy opened her mouth to retort, but closed it after a moment. “I guess not.”
House spoke up. “Except that every time you look at it you’ll remember that time you slept with all your coworkers.”
Cuddy groaned.
“Aside from that, though, it’s awesome.”
“Could be worse,” Wilson said. “At least you’re a woman. I read this fanfiction once where this guy got pregnant. It was horrifying. All I could think of was everything that was wrong with it. I mean, how would that even happen? The mechanics of it are mind-boggling. And where would he put it? There’s no fucking room in there. All the space is being taken up by a little thing called ‘vital organs’. And the baby would just fucking die in there, even if it didn’t kill you first, because there’s no way for it to get food or anything.” Wilson paused a fraction of a second to take a deep breath. By this point everyone was staring at him like he’d lost his fucking mind.
“So let’s say you managed to live nine months, even though your internal organs are being crushed, and we’ll say that your baby’s not dead, even though it has no way to get nutrients. Now, just think about this for a second: how the fuck is a man going to give birth to a baby?” He leaned forward for dramatic effect. “Where is it going to come out? I’ll just let you think about that for a second.” He sat back against the couch again, shaking his head. “Like a watermelon through a fucking straw.”
Both House and Chase’s expressions were those of utter horror. Crossing their legs, they shifted uncomfortably, covering their laps protectively.
Thirteen and Cuddy stared at Wilson in disbelief and confusion.
Shaking her head, Cuddy said, “That’s ridiculous, Wilson. We’re doctors. We know better. Nothing like that could ever happen.”
end of deleted scene LOLOLOLOLOL