House, MD: Queen of Denial
Title: Queen of Denial
Fandom: House, M.D.
Rating: PG-13 for language
Pairing: none
Summary: The most epic denial that anyone has ever denied, ever in their lives.
Category: Humour/Crack
Author's Notes: Ideas by LevinaIndigo and me; written by me.
Disclaimer: Characters are the property of FOX.
Warnings: Approximately four mildly-offensive words... Some crack. That's really about it.
Author's Notes: My friend LevinaIndigo and I came up with this idea while watching a particularly boring made-for-TV movie called 'Plain Truth'. (I actually only watched the movie because it starred Mariska Hargitay, who is a stone-cold fox.) In the movie, an Amish girl denies ever having had a baby, despite a lot of evidence to the contrary. And we're obsessed with House M.D., so somehow we manage to come up with these extremely fucked up ideas.
“Your test results are back.”
“I already told you I didn’t need it.”
“Humour me.”
“Whatever, it’s not like I have anything better to be doing.”
“It’s positive.”
“You’re lying.”
“Why would I lie?”
“Because you hate me.”
“I don’t hate you.”
“Why else would you lie to me?”
“I’m not lying!”
“You said it was positive!”
“It is positive!”
“No, it’s not!”
“Yes, it is!”
“I’m telling you, you’re wrong!”
“Well, I’m telling you that I know what I’m talking about, and I agree with the test!”
“Well, you must just not be a very good doctor then!”
“I am an awesome doctor!”
“I want a second opinion.”
Cameron stormed out of the exam room into the hall, where she came upon Chase talking to someone.
“Chase!” Cameron whined, interrupting his conversation. “This patient wants a second opinion. I told her I was an awesome doctor, but she wouldn’t listen!”
“All right, where is she?” Chase sighed.
Cameron dragged him into the exam room with her.
“Hello, Ms…” Chase paused, picking up the chart.
“Roth.”
“Ms. Roth. What seems to be the problem?”
She pointed at Cameron. “This doctor doesn’t seem to know how to do her job very well.”
“But-” Cameron protested.
“I just came in because I’m sick to my stomach all the time,” the woman cut her off, “but Dr. Cameron here seems to think I’m pregnant.” She laughed.
Chase stared at the woman. “Um…” He glanced at her rounded belly.
Cameron shoved the test results sheet into his hands.
Chase glanced at the sheet, and looked back up at the patient. “Ms. Roth, you are pregnant.”
She shook her head. “No I’m not.”
“…Yes, you are.”
“I’m not! It’s not possible!”
“Have you ever had sex?”
“Yes, but-”
“You’re pregnant.”
“No, I’m not.”
“I’m not going to argue with you all day, Ms. Roth,” Chase sighed, exasperated.
“Then just stop lying and tell me what’s actually wrong with me!”
“I’m not lying!”
“Yes you are!”
Chase squeezed the bridge of his nose. “Cameron, will you go get an ultrasound machine?”
Cameron nodded and left the room.
“I don’t need one,” the woman insisted.
“Yes, you do.”
“How many times do I need to tell you? I’m not pregnant.”
Chase just shook his head. He wasn’t going to argue with this woman all day.
When Cameron came back with the machine, they set it up and nodded at each other, preparing to prove this woman wrong. Proving people wrong was awesome.
“All right, will you lie down please, Ms. Roth?”
“Whatever,” she grumbled, obeying.
Cameron lifted up her shirt and spread conductive gel across her stomach.
“That stuff’s cold,” the woman mumbled.
Chase moved the wand around until a picture of what he was looking for came up on the screen. “There,” he said in satisfaction. “Right there.”
“It’s not mine.”
“Of course it is!”
“No.”
“How could it possibly be anyone else’s?”
“I dunno. I’m not a doctor.”
“Clearly not,” Cameron mumbled under her breath.
“What was that?” Roth looked over at her.
“Nothing… I just said that’s a pretty clear picture… Of your baby.”
“It’s not my baby!”
“It very clearly is.”
“Nope.”
“What do you suggest it is, then?” Chase asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I dunno.” She shrugged. “What if it’s like, a tumour or something? What if I have cancer?”
“I guarantee you: that is not cancer. That is a baby. Right there.” He jabbed a finger at the screen to emphasize his point.
“I see where this is going,” Cameron sighed. “I’ll go get Wilson.”
“It’s not a baby!” she heard the woman insist as she left the room.
“What am I doing here, exactly?” Wilson asked, slightly confused as to why he’d been dragged from his office to an exam room by an insistent Cameron.
“We need a second opinion,” Chase told him. “Well, we don’t really need one. Ms. Roth has insisted on it, though.”
“You’re damn right,” the woman growled. She crossed her arms, not impressed with the doctors in this hospital.
“So tell us, Dr. Wilson,” Chase spoke, re-positioning the ultrasound wand on her belly, “Is this a tumour?”
Wilson looked at the monitor. Then he turned back to Chase. “Is this a joke?”
Chase and Cameron shook their heads.
Wilson turned his attention back to the monitor. “You’re serious?”
Chase nodded, raising his eyebrows. “By all means, Dr. Wilson. Give us the illumination of your medical opinion.”
“My medical opinion says… that’s a baby.”
Cameron stomped a foot in exuberance. Chase’s face spread into a satisfied grin.
“You’re wrong,” Roth said insistently, effectively wiping the grins off Chase and Cameron’s faces.
Wilson’s eyebrows knitted in confusion. “No… It’s a baby… You can see right here…” He pointed at the screen. “You’re pregnant, Ms. Roth.”
“It’s not mine.”
His confusion deepened. “…How could it not be yours?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugged again. “But it’s not.”
“But… It’s right there.” Wilson gestured at her protruding belly.
“Nah… I just gained a few pounds.”
“But… you can probably feel it move, if you…”
“I’m not doing that, that sounds stupid.”
“Okay, well… Why did you come in today?”
“I’ve been feeling sick a lot… and throwing up sometimes.”
“Well… that’s a side effect of pregnancy.”
“There must be other things it could be.”
“Well, yeah… I mean, it’s not the only cause of nausea, but… I mean… honestly…”
“So you’re wrong.”
“Ms. Roth…” He spread his arms, helpless. “I don’t know what you want me to tell you. You come in complaining of nausea, and Dr. Cameron runs a pregnancy test… Which comes back positive. And then we give you an ultrasound, which really speaks for itself…” He gestured at the screen. “And honestly… did you not notice you were gaining weight?”
“What a typical male thing to say! So no one cares if you gain some weight, because you’re a man. But if a woman does it, everyone tells her she looks fat. Goddamn double standards…”
“No!” He looked at her, aghast. “That’s not what I meant!”
“Of course it is,” she snipped at him, crossing her arms in irritation.
“I just meant… I mean… Look, can I…” He held his hands out in a non-threatening gesture, hovering over her stomach.
“Whatever.” She did not look impressed.
Placing his hands on her belly, he felt around a moment. “There. You can feel it move. Put your hand right here.”
“That’s stupid, I’m not going to.”
Wilson sighed. “Well, can’t you at least feel it moving around? I mean, it is inside you, after all.”
“Well I can feel my tummy rumble a bit, but I’m just kind of hungry.”
Chase snorted. “What do you want to eat, pickles covered in ice cream?”
She looked at him, a serious expression on her face. “I always eat weird stuff like that.”
Wilson sighed, thinking a moment. “Okay, well… Haven’t you noticed that you probably haven’t had a period in… I don’t know, about five months?”
Roth looked at him blankly. “Well, I haven’t had one for a while, but like… It’s late sometimes.”
Cameron interjected. “Not that late. Come on.”
“So what, it’s late by a bit. That doesn’t prove anything. My period is late sometimes. I know my own body.”
“Clearly not,” Chase mumbled.
“Excuse me?” She looked at him in incredulity.
“Ms. Roth,” he said frankly, “You’re pregnant. Refusing to admit it is not going to change that fact. We’re not going to judge you. It honestly makes no difference to us. We see this every day. We’re doctors.”
“I’m not pregnant.”
“We’re not going to tell you what you should do about it,” he spoke louder, trying to cut off her inevitable protest. “It’s up to you. All we can tell you is that it’s too late to terminate the pregnancy; you’re too far along.”
“You don’t necessarily have to keep it,” Cameron cut in, trying to be helpful. “You can consider adoption.”
“I don’t have to consider anything,” Roth snorted. “I can’t believe you’re still clinging to this stupid belief that I’m pregnant.”
Wilson lost it. “It’s not a belief! It’s a fact! It’s-It’s a hard fact, supported by medical evidence!” he ranted loudly, throwing his arms around wildly. “You haven’t menstruated in five months, you’ve been feeling sick, you’ve put on weight… The blood test says you’re pregnant, we can see the fetus on the ultrasound…” He ran a hand through his hair, turning to Chase. “Am I leaving anything out?”
“Not really, except…” He gestured at her expanded stomach.
“I’m not pregnant.”
Wilson facepalmed. “It’s not so bad. Really. If you could just admit it to yourself…”
“There’s nothing to admit. I’m not pregnant.”
“But…” He looked around at the others for help. They shrugged in exasperation, shaking their heads.
“Look,” she said, sitting up, “If all you’re going to do is insult me, can I leave?”
“…I guess so… There’s nothing we can do to keep you here.”
“Good. I’m outta here.” She hopped down from the exam table.
“You should-“ Cameron began.
“No thanks, I’ve had enough of what you have to say,” Roth cut in, gathering up her jacket and purse.
Chase tried next. “If you-“
“Not listening,” she said irritably, swiping past Wilson as she moved for the door.
Chase, Cameron and Wilson stood around the empty exam room, just shaking their heads. They couldn’t quite believe anyone could actually be so stubborn.
A few months went by before Cameron found a familiar face waiting for her in Exam Room 2.
“Oh, no. Not you. Not you again.” Cameron shook her head in disbelief.
Ms. Roth looked up at her from the chair in the corner. There was a sleeping baby cradled in her arms.
“Why are you here?” Cameron asked in desperation.
“I found a baby,” Roth replied, looking down at said baby.
“Um… I see that…” Cameron blinked. “Where did you find it, inside you?”
Roth rolled her eyes. “Very funny. No. Someone just left it at my house?”
“Left it at your house?” Cameron repeated, not understanding.
“Yeah! I just woke up, and there was a baby in my bed! Someone had just broken in and left it there!”
Cameron stared at the woman in disbelief. “Wait… Wait right here a minute. I’ll be right back,” she told her, backing out of the room.
Cameron returned a moment later with Chase in tow. “Okay, now tell me exactly what you just told me a minute ago.”
Roth looked at Chase. “I just woke up this morning, and there was a baby in my bed! Someone had broken in, put it there, and then left! They didn’t even take anything!” She shook her head in confusion. “I mean, who does that? Who breaks into a house, doesn’t even steal anything, leaves a baby, and then just leaves?”
Chase’s expression was a mixture of disbelief and amusement. “Hang on… One second… I’ll be right back…” He turned around and ran from the room.
A few minutes later, Cameron, Chase, Wilson, Foreman and House stood around Exam Room 2 and stared at Cheryl Roth in fascination as she repeated her story yet again. Many an eyebrow was raised and a furtive, mocking glance exchanged between the doctors in the small room.
“Now…” Chase spoke finally, “Ms. Roth, you do understand what’s happened here, don’t you?”
Roth looked back and forth between Chase and Wilson. “What are you talking about?”
Chase dragged a chair up and sat down in front of Roth, preparing to explain some serious business.
“Now,” he began, “Did you find any blood?”
She gasped. “How did you know!”
Chase looked up at Cameron in amusement. “I’m just… I’m good at guessing.”
“Yeah,” she nodded, “I found blood all over my bed.”
“And why do you think that was there?”
“Well… I assume whoever broke in cut themselves on something, because there weren’t any cuts on me, or on the baby they forgot.” She looked down at the baby, running a finger over the little cheek. “It’s kind of cute, actually.”
Foreman snickered behind her. She looked around at him. “Are you making fun of me?”
“No, no… It’s just that… Honestly, you know you had the baby, right? That no one just broke in and forgot it?”
She blew air from her mouth in a dismissive gesture. “That’s just stupid. It’s obvious what happened.”
Again, amused glances were shared around the room.
Cameron’s ears perked up. “Shh.”
They could hear authoritative heels clicking their way. “Shit,” Chase had time to mutter before Cuddy strode into the room.
“What’s going on here?” she asked in a clipped tone, looking around at the guilty faces in the exam room.
Ms. Roth spoke up. “I found a baby. Someone just left a baby in my house!” She held up the baby.
Heads swivelled to look at Cuddy. Cuddy looked at the baby. The baby made a gurgling noise.
“You found my baby!” Cuddy cried with glee, holding out her arms and scooping up the baby.
Eyebrows shot up all over the room.
“Cuddy?” Chase said in confusion. “That’s not-”
“Shut up,” she hissed under her breath, elbowing him. “Free baby!”
“It’s your baby?” the woman asked her, confused.
“Absolutely,” Cuddy nodded. “Yes.”
“Why did you leave it at my house?”
“Ah. Yes. Well… I… I came to… tell you something, but then I got there, and I had completely forgotten!” She feigned embarrassment. “So I left, and then I got home, and I realized I had forgotten my baby! And I tried to come back to your house, but then I couldn’t remember how to get there… And I thought I’d never see… Um-” She peered at the baby. “-my baby again! But then, here you are! And you brought my baby back!”
The woman grinned, pleased with herself. “You’re welcome!”
“Thank you, very much,” Cuddy told her happily. “Really.”
The woman stood up. “No problem. I should be going now, though.”
Cuddy nodded. “Thanks again.”
Roth brushed past Chase on her way out the door. “You’re just going to let her leave?”
“…Yes?”
“It’s just going to happen again, you know.”
“Who cares? More free babies!”
House, who hadn’t said anything the entire time he’d been sitting in the room, suddenly exploded into laughter.
Everyone swivelled around to look at him.
He shook his head, laughing uncontrollably.
Cuddy rolled her eyes. But then she remembered that she had a free baby, so she was happy.
On and on House laughed, long after Foreman had left to get and returned with coffee.
Until Cuddy finally snapped at him, “Oh, shut up, House.”
He didn’t stop laughing, though.
Cuddy took her free baby and left the room, leaving House laughing and everyone else just standing around.
House’s laughter slowed, and eventually subsided. “Oh, God,” he sighed, wiping tears from his eyes, “Now that lady was an idiot. I apologize, Cameron, I revoke your first-place status and award it to her.”
Cameron’s mouth fell open. “You are such an asshole, House.”
“I know,” he sighed happily. “I know.”