A Place for Us [Chapter 15]
Title: A Place for Us
Pairing: Yama, Ninoai (side-pairing)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Summary: They were childhood friends, and after 6 years, they finally met again. Sho thought that this time, Ohno's life was finally on the right track, but he was completely wrong. This time, he was determined to protect him; this time, he was determined to never let him go anymore.
Disclaimer: They didn't belong to me - if they did, I'd already made it into a movie. Or a getsu9 drama.
A/N: FINALLY ITS OVER. Sobs. I can't believe it's over. I kinda don't want to end it which is why you have to suffer through 7000+ words this time (LOL No i'm kidding but yeah, it is that LONG). Surprisingly enough, I already know what I'm going to write next, and guess what, it's yama again XD I knew that I should've write some juntoshi but....idk yama suited the theme of the story perfectly! But before starting with a new story, I think I have looots of one-shots to finish, so.... XD Anyway, thanks for sticking with me through the end! I'll never make it this far without your encouragement! I love you all! <3
P.s : There'd be an epilogue, so stay tuned!
‘You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.’ - Dr. Seuss.
Ohno regretted falling asleep far too quickly last night; they were basking in their afterglow, and Sho was still on top of him - their bodies were sweaty and hot and sticky, but Ohno wouldn’t have it any other way. Sho’s hands were on his waist, lips on his neck as he was trailing kisses up and down, and everything was just too perfect and Ohno was too sated that he fell asleep. But he was awake now - not with a jolt or something, but rather it almost felt like someone was coaxing him gently, pulling him ever so slowly out from the comfortable darkness he was in, pushing through his sleepiness, and then, his eyes were opened.
Ohno stared at the ceiling first; he tilted his head a bit and then he noticed that it was morning already, judging by the soft light that was peeking through the thick curtain. His body, he noticed, was sore in so many places, but he felt light, meaning that Sho had, probably, rolled over so he wouldn’t crush him.
Sho.
The thought of his name brought something warm to coil on Ohno’s chest - a little too eagerly, Ohno finally turned to his side, and then his eyes met Sho’s brown ones, reflecting his own in it. “Good morning.” Sho greeted hoarsely as his hand went up to be draped on Ohno’s waist in an almost protective manner.
“Morning.” Ohno wasn’t surprised at all with the fact that his voice was even worse than Sho - he hasn’t been particularly silent last night after all. Ohno scooted over to Sho, resting his head against his collarbone so naturally as if it belonged there. “How’s your sleep?” Ohno asked, warm breath sweeping against Sho’s golden skin.
Sho chuckled; the action made his body shook just the slightest. “I can’t really sleep.” Sho admitted after a while.
Ohno looked up at him, and just then he finally noticed the dark circles under Sho’s eyes; he frowned, fearing that something was actually wrong - fearing that Sho actually regretted having sex with him last night. But Sho, despite his obvious tiredness, was smiling, and Ohno couldn’t really comprehend what was the older man was thinking right now. “Why?” He finally braved himself to ask.
Sho’s lips, if possible, were curled up even higher at the question, and he whispered in English, “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
Ohno remembered reading about it in one of Jun’s book that he couldn’t really understand - but that certain line got him hooked, and after pestering Jun for an hour and not receiving a satisfactory explanation (“I’m still learning myself!” Jun had said bashfully), he decided to do some browsing by himself. He read it a long, time ago, and Ohno has mostly forgotten about it, but right now, he remembered it all over again, along with the meaning, and he found himself smiling even wider as he hide his face shyly on Sho’s collarbone. “Say it again.” He demanded, feeling the excitement of how meaningful the words were and also with the fact that Sho sounded sexy when he was talking in English.
Sho did, but this time, he said it in weird, broken English that it made a laughter broke Ohno’s body; he giggled in Sho’s embrace, calling him ‘stupid’ over and over again, and it was such a nice reassurement to hear Sho laughing it off, to know that he could joke-insult him without fearing that Sho’d take it seriously. “But I meant it.” Sho said seriously after their laughter has subsided. “I meant it - reality has finally become better than my dream.”
“Does that mean that you’ve been dreaming of having sex with me before?” Ohno was teasing him, of course, but to his surprise, Sho nodded.
“A few times, yes.” Sho admitted plainly; he looked down at Ohno then, and his eyes darkened a bit. “But to do it for real is way better than my dream - you’ve managed to go way beyond my imagination.”
He supposed that he could take it as a compliment; he let Sho captured his lips again in a kiss that made them breathless, and Ohno pushed himself up a bit just so he could run his fingers on Sho’s unkempt hair, just like last night. It didn’t take long for Sho to push him back down to the futon, and it certainly didn’t take long for him to straddle Ohno with the energy that made Ohno questioned on whether it was true or not that Sho didn’t get much sleep last night - Ohno looked up at him in anticipation, completely ready and, if he might say, submissive on whatever Sho was trying to do with him, when something like a rhythmical knocking could be heard on the back of his mind.
Knock, knock, knock.
It took Ohno a few seconds to realize that someone was knocking at their door.
Gasping - partly because someone was knocking and mostly because Sho was biting his lips, Ohno’s awareness finally won and he pushed Sho away. Sho let out a growl as he tried to kiss Ohno back, but Ohno turned his face away and Sho’s lips safely landed on his soft cheeks; Sho didn’t seem to mind, though, because he started kissing his cheeks, trailing down until he reached his jaw and making Ohno so light-headed that he nearly forgot about someone’s else existence. Thankfully the other party didn’t seem like she/he wanted to be forgotten, and so the knocking started again. “Sakurai-sama? Ohno-sama?”
“Someone is here.” Ohno breathed out with difficulty, because Sho was stubborn, and the older man was nipping at his earlobe now.
“I know.” He purposefully blew hot air on Ohno’s ear, making his body shivered in delight. “So?”
“So go and answer him.” Ohno said as he tried to push Sho away.
“Why should I?”
“Because unlike you, I’m completely naked, Sakurai.” Ohno was annoyed now, and he was thankful that Sho could pick up his sour mood; the older man pulled away a bit solemnly, though his gaze was still fixed on Ohno’s smooth chest. “Don’t move.” He finally said.
Ohno nodded - it wasn’t like he wanted to anyway, so when Sho fixed his yukata while walking to the door, Ohno buried himself again in the bed; he pulled the cover to hide his bare body, and then he waited. He tried to listen to their conversation; but Sho was mumbling and dragging his words, and he couldn’t really hear the other party’s words at all, so he just lay there without words, almost falling again into another slumber as he heard the door being slide closed again. “It’s the attendant.” Sho announced as he walked back to Ohno. “He asked if we wanted to have the breakfast here or not. I said yes.” Ohno peeked from behind the cover to see Sho standing in the middle of the room, looking dazed and sleepy, but most importantly, happy. “Oh, he also said that the bath is ready.”
Bath.
“I wanted to take a bath.” Ohno said as he pushed the cover away - he was dirty after all, but this time, it was in a good way. He crawled to get his yukata slowly (how did it ended up in the corner of the room would forever be a mystery) with Sho watching him like a hawk. “We’re not going to continue?” Sho whined.
“Nope.” Ohno put his yukata on, and this time, he tied it securely on his waist so Sho wouldn’t get a glimpse of his chest. “You should take a nap instead while I was bathing.”
“Why don’t we go together?” Sho offered hopefully, but Ohno shook his head.
“Sleep.” He told the older man. “Do I have to remind you that you still have to drive to Tokyo? Be a responsible adult and sleep.”
Sho scoffed, but he finally dragged himself to the futon and fell face-down to it while grumbling about something - Ohno ignored him, and instead, he took the bath necessities that has been prepared in the room, and with a threat that he’d get angry if Sho wasn’t going to nap at all when he was gone, Ohno finally left the room.
But it wasn’t until he dipped himself into the lukewarm water and was staring at the clear, blue sky all by himself did he realize that he could breathe. He realized then that things were finally looking up; he was accepted by Sho’s family, his biological father still acknowledged him, and Sho loved him. The latter thought made his heart skipped a beat pleasantly - he was loved. Loved. He touched his chest, spreading his palm on top on where he guessed his heart was, and he realized that it was beating excitedly at that thought.
Then, Ohno started thinking about his ‘family’, about the soon-to-be-happening talk with his mother, and he tried to study his feelings, whether it disturbed him or not.
But there wasn’t a change in how he feels - to be honest, the thought that he was loved was still filling his mind, leaving no room for any fear, and Ohno smiled. There was nothing to be afraid of. He was ready. He knew what he wanted, or what he was going to do.
He was loved.
Ohno was sure that he was still smiling even when he left the public bath, and he was convinced that was the reason the female attendants were smiling back at him fondly - or shyly, but well. But then he was getting suspicious, because some of them were even giggling when he passed by, and Ohno wondered whether last night he has been particularly loud - the thought of someone hearing his moans (or was he screaming last night, he couldn’t really remembered) made his face as red as the fake camellia they had in the hall, and so Ohno quicken his steps and entered his room, determined to ask Sho about it. He was half-expecting Sho to be asleep, but instead the older man was happily munching on his breakfast, and he grinned when Ohno stepped in. “Itsh delishcious.” He mumbled, and a grain of rice flew out.
But Ohno couldn’t bring himself to fuss over it; he quickly sit in front of Sho, setting his dirty clothes and bathing necessities aside, and hurriedly asked, “People were giggling when they looked at me - was I so loud last night?”
Sho choked on his food, and Ohno rubbed his back worriedly, but he wasn’t distracted enough by it - he kept on staring at Sho, demanding for an answer, and he found Sho’s smirk to be very annoying at this moment. “You are loud.” Sho said slowly as he put his chopstick down. “But not that loud, I think.”
That was embarrassing, Ohno thought, but then, why? As if Sho could read his mind, he continued. “Maybe the reason they were staring at you is because you have this very big hickey on your neck.”
Ohno’s eyes bulged, and without saying anything he dashed to stare at the mirror in his room - true enough, he had this blossoming, red hickey on his neck, and not only that, he also have the tiny ones that were traveling down to his collarbone, his chest….he didn’t want to know where it ended. He was a bit amazed that he himself didn’t realize it despite the fact that he has been washing himself - maybe he was too preoccupied with his thoughts or something. He turned to sulk at Sho, but the older man was already wolfing down at his own food, and Ohno found himself sighing in defeat as he finally sat across Sho to finally eat his breakfast. “Why aren’t you sleeping?” He demanded grudgingly.
“I tried.” Sho answered after gulping down his food. “But I kept on remembering about what we did on that futon and…well…”
“You should’ve been sleeping.” Ohno mumbled, annoyed that he could feel the blushes growing on his cheeks just by listening to Sho’s words. “You still have to drive after all.”
“Don’t worry about that, really. I’ll be fine.”
“If you say so.” Ohno poked on his fish with his chopstick, and then he said, “I want to talk with my mother.”
Sho didn’t seem to mind the abrupt change of topic - he was still munching, but Ohno knew that Sho was listening, and so he continued. “I want you to drop me off at my parent’s place instead. I’ll pack my stuff, and then -“
“You are leaving?”
He wondered if that was the right thing to do, but for now, Ohno didn’t see any other choice - he didn’t want to stay there, not anymore. “I want to live with you.”
Sho placed his bowl of rice on the table as he stared into Ohno deeply; for a moment, Ohno was worried, because he thought Sho would want him to stay. But Sho said nothing; he only stared and stared at Ohno, almost as if he was seeing something that Ohno couldn’t see, something that Ohno didn’t have any idea exist, and then he said slowly, “Are you sure?”
Ohno opened his mouth to answer, but then, nothing came out; and Ohno realized what Sho was trying to say. No, Ohno wasn’t really sure - he was ready, yes, but wasn’t truly sure. At least, until he heard what his mother got to say, he’d never become so sure.
Ohno smiled, and he asked, “But if, in the end, I decided that I want to live with you, can I?”
Sho grinned. “Sure - it’ll be easier to have sex with you that way.”
“Pervert.”
“I guess I am.” Sho’s grin faltered into nothing, and he looked down distractedly at his own food that for a moment, Ohno was scared. Something wasn’t right with Sho, and it was bugging him, but the smile was back in his face in an instant and he nudged Ohno’s unmoving wrist with his chopstick. “Eat up, Satoshi.”
That morning, his breakfast tasted even tastier than the usual.
***
When Sho pulled his car into Ohno’s driveway, he barely could stay awake.
Ohno has been pinching his hand in an desperate attempt to keep him awake; one time, he pinched particularly hard that Sho started yelping and yapping at Ohno and Ohno scowled and he smacked Sho’s hand instead as he pushed himself further away from Sho to be one with the window. He did, however, pinch Sho yet again when his eyes were barely open, so Sho knew that they were good. Somehow.
But they finally arrived, safely, and Sho was going to turn his car off and sleep in the car until Ohno was done talking with his mother, but Ohno shook his head. “Go back home and sleep.” He told Sho. “I might take a long time. And there’s a chance I decided to stay after all.”
“But what if I become so sleepy and you’re not there to wake me up?”
Ohno pondered on his question, and Sho let him be if, that way, Ohno’d stay a bit while longer with him. But then to his surprise Ohno leaned forward and kissed him. It wasn’t a peck or a simple kiss or anything like that - Ohno kissed him like he meant it, like he hadn’t seen Sho for years, or like he wasn’t going to be with Sho anymore and couldn’t bear the thought. And Sho kissed him back, and he wondered if his kiss would ever be enough for Ohno to understand that he was everything that had ever mattered in Sho’s dull life.
Their lips parted, and Ohno smiled - lips quirking up lazily in a way that was just Ohno. “Go home, and if I ever decided to come back, I want you to welcome me.” He said; voice thick with hope. “I want you to say ‘welcome home’ for me.”
“And I will.” Sho promised, and that was that, because if he said anything more, he wasn’t sure if he would ever let Ohno go - that was so selfish of him; Ohno was determined, and Sho couldn’t hold him back, even when he wanted to. Ohno understood; without words, he got off from the car and closed the door behind him quietly. Sho watched him opened the gate, watched him knocking on his door until his mother opened it for him. He watched him until Ohno was inside, and for a moment, it was almost as if the house was eating him, and Ohno wouldn’t ever get out anymore.
Shaking his head out of his questionable thought, Sho turned on his car and he was ready to drive away, but then, his phone rang.
He pulled it out from his pocket, and he froze when he saw the number.
“No way -“
***
The house was empty.
No, not empty in the way that the furniture inside were gone, but more because Ohno couldn’t hear Satomi’s chattering or his stepfather’s voice. The television in the living room was also off, so as Ohno made his way inside, the house was eerily quiet to the point that it was almost suffocating. He watched his ever so composed mother - she walked in front of Ohno, and they both were heading to the kitchen. “I’ll make you tea.” His mother told him. “You must be tired.”
“Thanks.” Ohno replied. He looked around, hoping that Satomi would appear out of nowhere - he brought the promised sweets after all. “Where’s Satomi?”
“Your father must be picking her up at school right now.” Ohno glanced to the clock in the wall, and true enough, it was around 4 pm, so maybe his stepfather was picking Satomi up and making a stop somewhere, spoiling his only daughter with toys from McDonald or such. Usually, Ohno’d feel a bitter sting towards that thought, but there was none of it today. If anything, he thought it was such a perfect occasion - he could talk freely with his mother after all, but first. “Mom, I’ll go upstairs, okay?”
“Okay.” Ohno placed the sweets in the counter and he started leaving the kitchen to head upstairs when his mother asked, “Which cake would you prefer, shortcake or cheesecake?”
“Cheesecake!” Ohno yelled back in response, and then he rushed upstairs, to his room. It was unlocked, but the moment Ohno was inside, he locked it. His mom has been cleaning his room, he was sure of it, because the sheets has been changed, and so did the curtain, and that was what kept on bugging him all this time.
If his mother changed his sheets often, or, at least, washed his sheets, shouldn’t she at least get suspicious…? Because sometimes his stepfather didn’t use any protection and sometimes things get messy; of course, Ohno had tried to clean it up as much as he could, but to change his sheets that much… To wash his flannel pants that often…
Or could it be…?
Ohno forced his body to move then; he pulled out the biggest luggage bag he had and he started putting the rest of his clothes to the bag - fortunately all his ‘good’ clothes were already at Sho’s, so Ohno only chose the one he still wanted to wear, throwing it into the bag carelessly because he got no time. Satisfied, he then moved to his desk, and he frowned. Too many things were there - figures, paints, brushes, sketchbook… He decided that he could always buy new paints though, since the one here were almost dried out. So he picked up the brushes, sketchbooks, and some of his precious figures and he put it inside the bag’s pocket, hoping that it wouldn’t break. Then he moved to take out some of his textbooks (he only picked those that were rich in colors), his mangas, ah, and of course, some of his old shoes too.
Once he was done, the luggage bag seemed like it would burst out in any second, but it managed, somehow. Ohno looked around his room, and he was a bit satisfied on how empty his room looked like now - he was afraid that once he decided to leave, his stuffs would get thrown away, and so he was glad that he was able to secure most of his precious belongings first. He purposefully left the luggage in his room though, and then he rushed downstairs, afraid that his mother has been waiting for too long. He found her in the living room with two cups of hot tea and a slice of cheesecake, and she was staring at the television silently.
But the television was off.
Ohno realized then that he had never really know much about his mother - he knew her hobby, her favorite food, her favorite flower; he knew the trivial things about her, but he didn’t really know what she was doing at home. He didn’t know her friends, didn’t know where she usually went, and didn’t know her habit. It was as if once her mother was having an affair and decided to marry that man - who was his stepfather at the moment - she had become a stranger. Ohno suddenly realized the awful distance that he had with her mom, and he wondered how many years would it took to repair it, to be able to hug her and feel the same warmth that Sho’s mother has been providing him.
He didn’t know if her mother would even acknowledge him anymore either if he started the conversation.
But oh, Ohno was stubborn. Stubborn and determined and loved. He walked towards his mother, sat on the sofa on her side, but didn’t bother with the tea.
“You know, didn’t you?”
His mother didn’t even turn to acknowledge him. “About what?”
“That dad was raping me.” Ohno was surprised with how calm and composed he was; on the other hand, his mother scowled at the mention of it, like Ohno had said something taboo, something that wasn’t ever meant to be said. “You know, right?”
“Don’t be silly, Satoshi.” His mother mumbled, but her eyes were still refusing to meet Ohno. “He would never do that.”
“He did.” Ohno insisted calmly. “You noticed, right? He was raping me, and he did it quite often - it’s weird if you never noticed him sneaking out from your bedroom at night for a long time; unless you’ve been drugged, which didn’t seems to be the case.” His mother brought the cup of tea to her lips, but she was trembling, and Ohno pitied her, almost, but his anger was flaring right now. “And you’ve been washing my sheets and clothes, right? Haven’t you ever noticed something weird -“
“Satoshi.”
“And what about the trash bin in my room? You emptied it too, didn’t you? Have you never found any condom or at least it packages; because I’m pretty sure dad threw it carelessly there.”
“Satoshi!”
“Mom!” Ohno yelled frustratedly. “You know, didn’t you?! You know, but you won’t accept it!”
“Because it can’t be true! It’s ridiculous!” His mother suddenly yelled back as she slammed the tea cup on the table. “Why would he wanted to do it with you?!”
“I want to know either.” Ohno mumbled sarcastically, and oh, he was surprised on how good it felt sometimes to be mean. “I want to know either why he was raping me when he have you.”
His mother stared at him as if Ohno just confessed that he had murdered someone; she looked offended, hurt, but on top of everything, she looked betrayed. Ohno’d understand though, because he couldn’t even imagine his loved one doing it to him - to imagine Sho doing someone else -
“Then why did you let him?”
Ohno wished he had misheard her. “I’m sorry?”
“Why did you let him?” His mother asked in a rush. “You could’ve stopped him - why didn’t you? Why did you let him have sex with you? Did you also want it? Or simply because you’re curious - ”
“You can’t be serious.” Ohno whispered, his body trembling because her mother’s accusations hurt more than anything - because with every word that left her, Ohno felt like she was trying to kill him. “You can’t be serious - do you think that I want it?”
“Then why - give me a reason!” She yelled. “Oh my god, Satoshi - you know that I loved him, right?! You know that he’s your stepfather, right? Then why are you doing this? Why did you let it happened?!”
Ohno stared at her, at someone that he has been addressed to all this time as his mother. He listened to her every word, and with that, he felt something shattering in the distance. Something was broken beyond repair, gone with the wind, and Ohno felt empty.
His mother went on and on, blaming him, blaming everything but herself, and then she sat back down to her sofa, hands covering her face as she said. “I just want to be happy - why can’t you understand? Why can’t you just let me be happy?”
On any other time, Ohno’d probably do that. If he had never met Sho, he’d probably try to keep her happy; he’d closed his eyes and accepted the raping. He’d let his mother be oblivious. He’d let everyone be oblivious about it. He’d act like nothing happened; and everything would just go on normally, until he probably was tired enough and decided to end himself.
But Ohno has had enough.
“Don’t be selfish.” He whispered, letting the word filling him, before he shouted it out. “Stop being so selfish!”
His mother jolted, brown eyes peeking up at Ohno but not quite looking - Ohno hadn’t even realized that he had stood, or that he had his fists balled on his side, body shaking in fury. “Stop being so selfish! Look at me!” He yelled. “Look at what I’ve become! I’m so dirty, Mom! So dirty and disgusting and just - “ Ohno could feel the tears welling up, but he couldn’t stop. Not now. “I’m so dirty that I can’t even accept myself; that I refused to recognize myself as anything but that. I was so broken, so broken that I have to let someone else helping me. So broken, that I have to let someone else’s family to heal me. You were never there, mom. When dad beat me up, you were never there. And now, when the man that you claimed you loved was raping me, you were never there for me either. I’ve tried, mom. I’ve tried to keep you happy, that was why I was always being silent over everything, but this time, I couldn’t.” He felt a single tear rolled down his cheek, and he wiped it furiously - he didn’t need this. He didn’t want to cry. “I had enough.” He breathed out with difficulty, trying to stop himself from bursting out crying.
“I want my happiness too, as much as you wanted yours.”
He heard his mother’s loud breathing, before then she started crying too. She was sobbing like a child, hands wrapped around herself as she swayed back and forth, back and forth; she looked like a ticking bomb, like she was going to self-destruct soon with all her selfishness. Ohno stared at her from behind his watery eyes - he thought of hugging her, but he knew that he couldn’t. If he hugged her right now, he felt like he was going to ruin everything; that hug wouldn’t convey anything. “I can’t even hug you.” He said, his voice piercing through her sobbing. “I can’t even hug you.”
And with that, he was back upstairs and he dragged his luggage bag down the stairs. It was such a hard task, even more when his chest started tightening painfully and he felt like hyperventilating. His body has gotten really weak, and his frustrations started growing with how heavy the bag was - thankfully, he managed to get it downstairs safely, though it hit the wooden floor with a loud ‘thud’.
“Are you going to leave too?” His mother shouted loudly from the living room as Ohno dragged the luggage bag throughout the hallway. “Are you going to leave too, just like your real father?”
Ohno thought of not answering her, but in the end, he stopped near the living room. “We never leave - it’s you who leave.”
His mother said nothing more even though he had purposefully waited for her to say something, and so, Ohno continued to the door.
And surprisingly - or not - Satomi and his stepfather came home.
His stepfather and Satomi stopped in the doorframe when they saw Ohno standing before them, face wet with tears and with a big luggage on hands. His stepfather tilted his head, listening to the wailing of Ohno’s mother, and then he stated, “You told her.”
“Yeah.”
“I told you she isn’t stable, yet you went on and told her.” His stepfather continued, but he didn’t sounded angry or anything. If anything, he was observing the matter very calmly, his hand tight on Satomi’s little one.
“Someone needs to wake her up.” Ohno mumbled as he put on his shoes. “Someone needs to make her realize that she couldn’t keep living the way she wanted - not anymore.”
“You’re leaving then?” Ohno nodded. “To Sakurai’s place?”
He bit down his lips. “That’s the only place I have. The only place where someone would accept me openly.”
“Oh.” His stepfather was silent for a while, before then he asked, “Would he accept Satomi too?”
Ohno stared up at him in shock; Satomi was looking up at her father too - she probably understood what he was trying to do. “Why?” Ohno asked.
“I can’t raise her.” His stepfather answered solemnly; his eyes were filled with sadness, and for once, Ohno thought that it was purely genuine. “I can’t raise her - not now, when everything was a mess. If you leave, you might as well take her along with you, because I can’t imagine her living in this house with just me and your mother. She wouldn’t survive. She would lose herself.” Ohno watched his stepfather’s hand tightening around Satomi’s. “And I don’t want anything to happen to her. She’s my daughter.”
Ohno turned to look at Satomi, and then towards the door, before his gaze fell on his stepfather. “I can’t bring her with me.”
His face fell, like Ohno had actually hurt him. “Why not?”
“Because it’s not fair for her.” He spoke; Satomi stared at him, and all of sudden, his mind became clear. He let his luggage fell into the floor with a soft ‘thud’, and he rubbed his face in frustration.
How could he do this? How could he even think of leaving?
His mother’s wailing was still ringing on his ears; Satomi’s innocent gaze was piercing through him. “Promise me.” He said all of sudden. “Promise me that you won’t touch me anymore.”
“What?”
“Don’t touch me anymore. Never come near my room anymore. You don’t have to act like my father. You can treat me like a stranger, a freeloader, but just don’t touch me.” Ohno told his stepfather defiantly. “If you do, then I’ll stay. We can pretend to continue being a family - anything, just so Satomi would never ended up broken like me -“
“Or we can try being a real family.” His stepfather’s voice was barely inaudible, just a tiny bit above a whisper, and Ohno almost missed it, but he didn’t. “We can try fixing…whatever we are right now.”
“Can we?” Ohno wasn’t being skeptical about it; if anything, he was a bit hopeful. He began to see a light; a tiny sparkle of light in the end of the dark tunnel he has been walking throughout the years. “Can we fix…whatever it is we’ll try to fix?”
“I guess so, yeah. I did some thinking when you’re away, and I wasn’t sure myself why I did that to you -“
“You thought I’m sexy and my perky butt is cute.”
“There’s that, yeah.” His stepfather grumbled bashfully. “But really, even when I’m not acting like a father, technically, you’re my son - or at least, that was what they wrote down in the paper. And I don’t know why I didn’t see you as one before.“
“Maybe because I’m too sexy.”
“Shut up.” His stepfather snapped, but Ohno could see his eyes twinkling in an amusement, and Ohno thought that being sarcastic felt good, once in a while. “So, I was saying… Yeah, to be honest, I never really saw you as my son. Just, what, a freeloader, maybe. A baggage that I have to accept when I marry your mother.”
That hurt, but Ohno kept his mouth shut; giving his stepfather a chance to finish what he got to say.
“But, I started thinking, what if it happened to Satomi; the thought was so unbearable. I’m scared. I couldn’t stand the thought of someone treating Satomi that way. And I realized what a bastard I have been. And I think I’d have to fix this, somehow.” He peered toward Ohno, and he almost looked like he was going to say ‘sorry’, but he wasn’t ready yet, and Ohno understood. “And so, yeah. I won’t touch you anymore, I guess. As long as you don’t walk around topless in the house.”
“I won’t do that.” Ohno promised, but it wasn’t really needed, because his stepfather’s gaze has darted to his neck, and he scoffed. “You can’t bring that Sakurai kid here - I hate him.”
“I love him.” Ohno argued; his gaze turned towards the door, to the scenery outside of this house, and his mind wandered to Sho, who might have been waiting for him right now in his apartment - waiting to welcome him with ‘welcome home, Satoshi’.
“Do you want to see him?”
“I do.” He didn’t have any problem to admitting it, but then Ohno walked towards the door; he held the doorknob with his hand, weighing the option in his mind, and he finally realized why Sho looked uneasy before. He knew that probably Ohno was going to stay with his family; that he was going to try to fix this once more. He knew that Ohno was probably wasn’t going to live with him.
“If so, then go.” His stepfather told him. “I can take care of your mother.”
Ohno bit down his lips. If he left, there was a chance he wouldn’t find the strength to go back here. If he left, he was sure he’d live a happy life with Sho - but he’d throw everything away. He’d left a tangled mess behind for them to deal - he could see his family being broken, and, above all, he didn’t want Satomi to experience what he has gone through. She needed to be protected; she couldn’t be broken. She couldn’t.
He closed his eyes shut, as if trying to send his thought, his feelings, to Sho, and then he closed the door. “No.” He said with determination. “If its Sho, he’d understand.”
Ohno ruffled Satomi’s hair as he walked past her, back inside the house and to the living room. His mother wasn’t wailing anymore, but she was still sobbing quietly; her face was a mess. It was wet with tears and his long, black hair got stuck in it; Ohno reached out to sweep her hair away from her face, and for once, he felt the overwhelming love he could ever felt towards her mother. “Stop crying.” He told her softly. “Stop crying, and let’s fix this.”
Her mother didn’t seemed like she quite understand, but she nodded timidly, and she held into Ohno’s hand tight; her eyes were staring unblinkingly at Ohno, and Ohno wondered what could she possibly thinking now, or what, exactly, was she trying to tell Ohno with her round, chocolate eyes. But he knew that he’d have the time to figure it out. He’d have the time to talk to her, and maybe, to finally able to hug her someday.
“Are we okay?” Satomi finally asked, and without him realizing it, she was already in the living room too, hand in hand with her father, looking entirely hopeful as she stared at Ohno. “Are we okay now?”
“Not yet.” Ohno replied. “But we are going to be okay.”
“Are you sure?”
He smiled; it was weird, but he wanted what he had said. It was weird, because Ohno was sure that he had forgiven them, without them having to ask for it. “I’m sure.”
***
Months later.
Ohno never came back.
Sho has been expecting it, so he wasn’t really waiting for Ohno - not much. It didn’t hurt that much either; probably the only thing that bothered Sho was that Ohno didn’t say anything to him. But again, that was to be expected.
Sho knew. He knew Ohno better than anyone else. When Ohno said that he wanted to talk to his mother, Sho could actually translate it as ‘I want to fix this one more time’. Ohno was stupid sometimes. So stupid and so innocent and so kind - and Sho knew that if Ohno was being asked over and over again, whether he has to choose his family or Sho, he’d have come with the same answer. The amount of love that Sho gave him would never enough to cover the thirst of a family that Ohno craved - longed, so much. Sho wasn’t ready yet. Ohno wasn’t ready yet.
So Sho told himself that he’d be okay. It took him a week to stop dreaming about Ohno or to stop talking to the empty space; half-expecting Ohno to answer it. But eventually, he stopped. It was also a coincidence that he got something to disturb him. On the day that Ohno left him, he got a call, telling him that he had passed the interview he took a week before. He was officially a newscaster now.
And so when he was first being introduced via the news program, Sho smiled. He smiled so wide and he was being so confident (though he did stumbled with his words a few times but well) so Ohno would at least know that Sho was okay. That Sho was doing fine and most definitely NOT eating curry every single night possible. His work as a newscaster kept him busy - he was busy with reading, studying, going on trips to cover events; his schedules were so packed, but that was good. Being this busy, he could temporarily forgot about Ohno; remembering him only when he was alone in the apartment but from a bottle of wine that he kept chugged down and hugged as he cried himself to sleep.
But he lived on, somehow. He packed Ohno’s stuff that was still on his apartment (Ohno didn’t even bother taking, or asking, about them) and kept it in one of his dusty room. He met new people. He grew. He became a proper adult. He had Nino to slap him and Aiba to laugh it off every time they meet to keep himself together.
So all was good.
One rainy night though, he walked out of the building only to see someone standing under the autumn rain with a blue umbrella; piranhas were horribly printed on the surface, and Sho knew, by heart, who would have that kind of ridiculous umbrella. He knew, and he couldn’t stop himself from running towards him; his own, boring, see-through umbrella forgotten behind him as he made his way through the rain.
A pair of brown eyes found him, and he nearly sobbed.
“Satoshi.”
Ohno welcomed him to his embrace; the umbrella were knocked out and rolled away, driven by the wind, and they both were soaked to the bone, but none seemed to care. Ohno clung to him like a second skin, fingers clutching on his coat as he started talking with his trembling lips. “You deserved an explanation, and here goes: I’m a bastard. I should’ve called you, should’ve come by and see you, but I didn’t, because I thought that you might hate me from not coming back. But I’m trying, with my family - we are a family now, somehow. Mom is, she’s being a mom and -“ Ohno gasped. “Oh God, the explanation is so lame I’m -“
“Sssh.” Sho reached down and put a finger on Ohno’s lips. “Don’t ruin it. Don’t ruin it.”
“I’ve ruined it.”
“Kind of. No. Well, almost. But just don’t.” He hugged Ohno even tighter. “I love you so much.”
“And I love you too. And I think, this time, I’m ready.” Ohno replied. “I’m ready, Sho-chan.”
“Me too. I’m ready too.”
They stood there until they couldn’t take the cold anymore; after that they climbed to Sho’s car, soaked to their bone and dripping endless water to the couch as they turned on the heater as high as they could. Once they were home, they took a hot shower together in the most innocent sense possible - Sho thought it was almost impossible to take a hot shower together with naked Ohno after months of no sex, but he managed. He wasn’t even thinking about it, much, because he was still basking in the fact that Ohno was here. He was here. Here.
They rummaged through the boxes and found Ohno’s old pair of pajamas; after wearing that, Ohno called home, asking for permissions to stay here for the night. The conversation seemed light and cheerful, very different with how it used to be before, and Ohno was smiling when he hung up, and that, in itself, was a very great improvement. Sho couldn’t help but smile too; he then led Ohno to his bedroom, where they settled naturally like nothing has ever changed. Their fingers latched naturally, foreheads touching against each other, and they breathed. Softly. Rhythmically.
“You looked great.” Ohno spoke after a while, warm breath sweeping against Sho’s lips. “In the news program - with suits on and a silver tie.”
“Thanks.” Sho grinned. “I worked for that look.”
“Definitely. I didn’t even know you have suits.”
“Gotta buy tons of them - my closet were packed with suit now.”
“So, you’re rich now?”
“Kinda.” He laughed, and Ohno did too, but then he started. “Satoshi, I’ve been thinking…”
“Hmm?”
“I’ve been thinking.” Sho’s hand went up to run through Ohno’s still damp brown hair. “I’ve grown so much.”
“You do.”
“Yeah. I’ve grown up so much, and I feel like, it’s time to start moving.”
“You’ll look for a new apartment?”
“Not quite.” He smiled softly. “I’m thinking of buying a house.”
“A house.” Ohno repeated dreamily. “A house sounds nice.”
“Yeah. It doesn’t have to be big. Even a small one will do.” He then stared at Ohno’s brown eyes. “And I want you there.”
Ohno’s eyes widened like he didn’t expect this - he should though, because of course Sho was going to ask him to live there with him; he wouldn’t have anyone else. “Me?”
“You.” Sho repeated as he kissed Ohno’s forehead. “I want to live with you there. I want to have a place for us. You and me. Together. And then maybe we can have a family.” Ohno was crying now, but Sho continued, and he was in no better condition either - he was already teary-eyed too. “We can adopt a kid - a boy, and we can take him to the park every Sunday. Or a girl and we can treat her to ice cream like how we did with Satomi. Then, once in a month, we will invite everyone else. We’ll have a barbeque party, and your family will be there, and mine too. And so did Jun. And Nino and AIba - oh, I have to introduce them to you. Everyone will be there. We’ll become a big family.”
Ohno was sobbing; tears kept on flowing to his cheeks. But he was smiling; he was smiling widely and Sho was reminded all over again about how in love he was with Ohno. “That sounds wonderful.” Ohno breathed out then.
“So, does that means…”
“Yes.” Ohno nodded eagerly despite his tears. “Yes. Yes. Yes, I’ll live with you. But please let me contribute some money too - I’ve been working as a part-timer. There’s not much, but I want to use my money too to buy a house with you. So that I can proudly call it as our house.”
“Of course.” Sho said, chest swelling with so much happiness as he wiped the tears away from Ohno’s face. “Of course.”
Ohno started laughing then, like the idea of them living together was actually absurd - it was, but they were going to make it happen, somehow. Sho knew they do. He knew that someday, all that he was talking about would become a reality.
And after what felt like eternity, Sho finally kissed Ohno’s lips.
And it was beautiful.
Chapter 14 | Epilogue
Pairing: Yama, Ninoai (side-pairing)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Summary: They were childhood friends, and after 6 years, they finally met again. Sho thought that this time, Ohno's life was finally on the right track, but he was completely wrong. This time, he was determined to protect him; this time, he was determined to never let him go anymore.
Disclaimer: They didn't belong to me - if they did, I'd already made it into a movie. Or a getsu9 drama.
A/N: FINALLY ITS OVER. Sobs. I can't believe it's over. I kinda don't want to end it which is why you have to suffer through 7000+ words this time (LOL No i'm kidding but yeah, it is that LONG). Surprisingly enough, I already know what I'm going to write next, and guess what, it's yama again XD I knew that I should've write some juntoshi but....idk yama suited the theme of the story perfectly! But before starting with a new story, I think I have looots of one-shots to finish, so.... XD Anyway, thanks for sticking with me through the end! I'll never make it this far without your encouragement! I love you all! <3
P.s : There'd be an epilogue, so stay tuned!
‘You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.’ - Dr. Seuss.
Ohno regretted falling asleep far too quickly last night; they were basking in their afterglow, and Sho was still on top of him - their bodies were sweaty and hot and sticky, but Ohno wouldn’t have it any other way. Sho’s hands were on his waist, lips on his neck as he was trailing kisses up and down, and everything was just too perfect and Ohno was too sated that he fell asleep. But he was awake now - not with a jolt or something, but rather it almost felt like someone was coaxing him gently, pulling him ever so slowly out from the comfortable darkness he was in, pushing through his sleepiness, and then, his eyes were opened.
Ohno stared at the ceiling first; he tilted his head a bit and then he noticed that it was morning already, judging by the soft light that was peeking through the thick curtain. His body, he noticed, was sore in so many places, but he felt light, meaning that Sho had, probably, rolled over so he wouldn’t crush him.
Sho.
The thought of his name brought something warm to coil on Ohno’s chest - a little too eagerly, Ohno finally turned to his side, and then his eyes met Sho’s brown ones, reflecting his own in it. “Good morning.” Sho greeted hoarsely as his hand went up to be draped on Ohno’s waist in an almost protective manner.
“Morning.” Ohno wasn’t surprised at all with the fact that his voice was even worse than Sho - he hasn’t been particularly silent last night after all. Ohno scooted over to Sho, resting his head against his collarbone so naturally as if it belonged there. “How’s your sleep?” Ohno asked, warm breath sweeping against Sho’s golden skin.
Sho chuckled; the action made his body shook just the slightest. “I can’t really sleep.” Sho admitted after a while.
Ohno looked up at him, and just then he finally noticed the dark circles under Sho’s eyes; he frowned, fearing that something was actually wrong - fearing that Sho actually regretted having sex with him last night. But Sho, despite his obvious tiredness, was smiling, and Ohno couldn’t really comprehend what was the older man was thinking right now. “Why?” He finally braved himself to ask.
Sho’s lips, if possible, were curled up even higher at the question, and he whispered in English, “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
Ohno remembered reading about it in one of Jun’s book that he couldn’t really understand - but that certain line got him hooked, and after pestering Jun for an hour and not receiving a satisfactory explanation (“I’m still learning myself!” Jun had said bashfully), he decided to do some browsing by himself. He read it a long, time ago, and Ohno has mostly forgotten about it, but right now, he remembered it all over again, along with the meaning, and he found himself smiling even wider as he hide his face shyly on Sho’s collarbone. “Say it again.” He demanded, feeling the excitement of how meaningful the words were and also with the fact that Sho sounded sexy when he was talking in English.
Sho did, but this time, he said it in weird, broken English that it made a laughter broke Ohno’s body; he giggled in Sho’s embrace, calling him ‘stupid’ over and over again, and it was such a nice reassurement to hear Sho laughing it off, to know that he could joke-insult him without fearing that Sho’d take it seriously. “But I meant it.” Sho said seriously after their laughter has subsided. “I meant it - reality has finally become better than my dream.”
“Does that mean that you’ve been dreaming of having sex with me before?” Ohno was teasing him, of course, but to his surprise, Sho nodded.
“A few times, yes.” Sho admitted plainly; he looked down at Ohno then, and his eyes darkened a bit. “But to do it for real is way better than my dream - you’ve managed to go way beyond my imagination.”
He supposed that he could take it as a compliment; he let Sho captured his lips again in a kiss that made them breathless, and Ohno pushed himself up a bit just so he could run his fingers on Sho’s unkempt hair, just like last night. It didn’t take long for Sho to push him back down to the futon, and it certainly didn’t take long for him to straddle Ohno with the energy that made Ohno questioned on whether it was true or not that Sho didn’t get much sleep last night - Ohno looked up at him in anticipation, completely ready and, if he might say, submissive on whatever Sho was trying to do with him, when something like a rhythmical knocking could be heard on the back of his mind.
Knock, knock, knock.
It took Ohno a few seconds to realize that someone was knocking at their door.
Gasping - partly because someone was knocking and mostly because Sho was biting his lips, Ohno’s awareness finally won and he pushed Sho away. Sho let out a growl as he tried to kiss Ohno back, but Ohno turned his face away and Sho’s lips safely landed on his soft cheeks; Sho didn’t seem to mind, though, because he started kissing his cheeks, trailing down until he reached his jaw and making Ohno so light-headed that he nearly forgot about someone’s else existence. Thankfully the other party didn’t seem like she/he wanted to be forgotten, and so the knocking started again. “Sakurai-sama? Ohno-sama?”
“Someone is here.” Ohno breathed out with difficulty, because Sho was stubborn, and the older man was nipping at his earlobe now.
“I know.” He purposefully blew hot air on Ohno’s ear, making his body shivered in delight. “So?”
“So go and answer him.” Ohno said as he tried to push Sho away.
“Why should I?”
“Because unlike you, I’m completely naked, Sakurai.” Ohno was annoyed now, and he was thankful that Sho could pick up his sour mood; the older man pulled away a bit solemnly, though his gaze was still fixed on Ohno’s smooth chest. “Don’t move.” He finally said.
Ohno nodded - it wasn’t like he wanted to anyway, so when Sho fixed his yukata while walking to the door, Ohno buried himself again in the bed; he pulled the cover to hide his bare body, and then he waited. He tried to listen to their conversation; but Sho was mumbling and dragging his words, and he couldn’t really hear the other party’s words at all, so he just lay there without words, almost falling again into another slumber as he heard the door being slide closed again. “It’s the attendant.” Sho announced as he walked back to Ohno. “He asked if we wanted to have the breakfast here or not. I said yes.” Ohno peeked from behind the cover to see Sho standing in the middle of the room, looking dazed and sleepy, but most importantly, happy. “Oh, he also said that the bath is ready.”
Bath.
“I wanted to take a bath.” Ohno said as he pushed the cover away - he was dirty after all, but this time, it was in a good way. He crawled to get his yukata slowly (how did it ended up in the corner of the room would forever be a mystery) with Sho watching him like a hawk. “We’re not going to continue?” Sho whined.
“Nope.” Ohno put his yukata on, and this time, he tied it securely on his waist so Sho wouldn’t get a glimpse of his chest. “You should take a nap instead while I was bathing.”
“Why don’t we go together?” Sho offered hopefully, but Ohno shook his head.
“Sleep.” He told the older man. “Do I have to remind you that you still have to drive to Tokyo? Be a responsible adult and sleep.”
Sho scoffed, but he finally dragged himself to the futon and fell face-down to it while grumbling about something - Ohno ignored him, and instead, he took the bath necessities that has been prepared in the room, and with a threat that he’d get angry if Sho wasn’t going to nap at all when he was gone, Ohno finally left the room.
But it wasn’t until he dipped himself into the lukewarm water and was staring at the clear, blue sky all by himself did he realize that he could breathe. He realized then that things were finally looking up; he was accepted by Sho’s family, his biological father still acknowledged him, and Sho loved him. The latter thought made his heart skipped a beat pleasantly - he was loved. Loved. He touched his chest, spreading his palm on top on where he guessed his heart was, and he realized that it was beating excitedly at that thought.
Then, Ohno started thinking about his ‘family’, about the soon-to-be-happening talk with his mother, and he tried to study his feelings, whether it disturbed him or not.
But there wasn’t a change in how he feels - to be honest, the thought that he was loved was still filling his mind, leaving no room for any fear, and Ohno smiled. There was nothing to be afraid of. He was ready. He knew what he wanted, or what he was going to do.
He was loved.
Ohno was sure that he was still smiling even when he left the public bath, and he was convinced that was the reason the female attendants were smiling back at him fondly - or shyly, but well. But then he was getting suspicious, because some of them were even giggling when he passed by, and Ohno wondered whether last night he has been particularly loud - the thought of someone hearing his moans (or was he screaming last night, he couldn’t really remembered) made his face as red as the fake camellia they had in the hall, and so Ohno quicken his steps and entered his room, determined to ask Sho about it. He was half-expecting Sho to be asleep, but instead the older man was happily munching on his breakfast, and he grinned when Ohno stepped in. “Itsh delishcious.” He mumbled, and a grain of rice flew out.
But Ohno couldn’t bring himself to fuss over it; he quickly sit in front of Sho, setting his dirty clothes and bathing necessities aside, and hurriedly asked, “People were giggling when they looked at me - was I so loud last night?”
Sho choked on his food, and Ohno rubbed his back worriedly, but he wasn’t distracted enough by it - he kept on staring at Sho, demanding for an answer, and he found Sho’s smirk to be very annoying at this moment. “You are loud.” Sho said slowly as he put his chopstick down. “But not that loud, I think.”
That was embarrassing, Ohno thought, but then, why? As if Sho could read his mind, he continued. “Maybe the reason they were staring at you is because you have this very big hickey on your neck.”
Ohno’s eyes bulged, and without saying anything he dashed to stare at the mirror in his room - true enough, he had this blossoming, red hickey on his neck, and not only that, he also have the tiny ones that were traveling down to his collarbone, his chest….he didn’t want to know where it ended. He was a bit amazed that he himself didn’t realize it despite the fact that he has been washing himself - maybe he was too preoccupied with his thoughts or something. He turned to sulk at Sho, but the older man was already wolfing down at his own food, and Ohno found himself sighing in defeat as he finally sat across Sho to finally eat his breakfast. “Why aren’t you sleeping?” He demanded grudgingly.
“I tried.” Sho answered after gulping down his food. “But I kept on remembering about what we did on that futon and…well…”
“You should’ve been sleeping.” Ohno mumbled, annoyed that he could feel the blushes growing on his cheeks just by listening to Sho’s words. “You still have to drive after all.”
“Don’t worry about that, really. I’ll be fine.”
“If you say so.” Ohno poked on his fish with his chopstick, and then he said, “I want to talk with my mother.”
Sho didn’t seem to mind the abrupt change of topic - he was still munching, but Ohno knew that Sho was listening, and so he continued. “I want you to drop me off at my parent’s place instead. I’ll pack my stuff, and then -“
“You are leaving?”
He wondered if that was the right thing to do, but for now, Ohno didn’t see any other choice - he didn’t want to stay there, not anymore. “I want to live with you.”
Sho placed his bowl of rice on the table as he stared into Ohno deeply; for a moment, Ohno was worried, because he thought Sho would want him to stay. But Sho said nothing; he only stared and stared at Ohno, almost as if he was seeing something that Ohno couldn’t see, something that Ohno didn’t have any idea exist, and then he said slowly, “Are you sure?”
Ohno opened his mouth to answer, but then, nothing came out; and Ohno realized what Sho was trying to say. No, Ohno wasn’t really sure - he was ready, yes, but wasn’t truly sure. At least, until he heard what his mother got to say, he’d never become so sure.
Ohno smiled, and he asked, “But if, in the end, I decided that I want to live with you, can I?”
Sho grinned. “Sure - it’ll be easier to have sex with you that way.”
“Pervert.”
“I guess I am.” Sho’s grin faltered into nothing, and he looked down distractedly at his own food that for a moment, Ohno was scared. Something wasn’t right with Sho, and it was bugging him, but the smile was back in his face in an instant and he nudged Ohno’s unmoving wrist with his chopstick. “Eat up, Satoshi.”
That morning, his breakfast tasted even tastier than the usual.
***
When Sho pulled his car into Ohno’s driveway, he barely could stay awake.
Ohno has been pinching his hand in an desperate attempt to keep him awake; one time, he pinched particularly hard that Sho started yelping and yapping at Ohno and Ohno scowled and he smacked Sho’s hand instead as he pushed himself further away from Sho to be one with the window. He did, however, pinch Sho yet again when his eyes were barely open, so Sho knew that they were good. Somehow.
But they finally arrived, safely, and Sho was going to turn his car off and sleep in the car until Ohno was done talking with his mother, but Ohno shook his head. “Go back home and sleep.” He told Sho. “I might take a long time. And there’s a chance I decided to stay after all.”
“But what if I become so sleepy and you’re not there to wake me up?”
Ohno pondered on his question, and Sho let him be if, that way, Ohno’d stay a bit while longer with him. But then to his surprise Ohno leaned forward and kissed him. It wasn’t a peck or a simple kiss or anything like that - Ohno kissed him like he meant it, like he hadn’t seen Sho for years, or like he wasn’t going to be with Sho anymore and couldn’t bear the thought. And Sho kissed him back, and he wondered if his kiss would ever be enough for Ohno to understand that he was everything that had ever mattered in Sho’s dull life.
Their lips parted, and Ohno smiled - lips quirking up lazily in a way that was just Ohno. “Go home, and if I ever decided to come back, I want you to welcome me.” He said; voice thick with hope. “I want you to say ‘welcome home’ for me.”
“And I will.” Sho promised, and that was that, because if he said anything more, he wasn’t sure if he would ever let Ohno go - that was so selfish of him; Ohno was determined, and Sho couldn’t hold him back, even when he wanted to. Ohno understood; without words, he got off from the car and closed the door behind him quietly. Sho watched him opened the gate, watched him knocking on his door until his mother opened it for him. He watched him until Ohno was inside, and for a moment, it was almost as if the house was eating him, and Ohno wouldn’t ever get out anymore.
Shaking his head out of his questionable thought, Sho turned on his car and he was ready to drive away, but then, his phone rang.
He pulled it out from his pocket, and he froze when he saw the number.
“No way -“
***
The house was empty.
No, not empty in the way that the furniture inside were gone, but more because Ohno couldn’t hear Satomi’s chattering or his stepfather’s voice. The television in the living room was also off, so as Ohno made his way inside, the house was eerily quiet to the point that it was almost suffocating. He watched his ever so composed mother - she walked in front of Ohno, and they both were heading to the kitchen. “I’ll make you tea.” His mother told him. “You must be tired.”
“Thanks.” Ohno replied. He looked around, hoping that Satomi would appear out of nowhere - he brought the promised sweets after all. “Where’s Satomi?”
“Your father must be picking her up at school right now.” Ohno glanced to the clock in the wall, and true enough, it was around 4 pm, so maybe his stepfather was picking Satomi up and making a stop somewhere, spoiling his only daughter with toys from McDonald or such. Usually, Ohno’d feel a bitter sting towards that thought, but there was none of it today. If anything, he thought it was such a perfect occasion - he could talk freely with his mother after all, but first. “Mom, I’ll go upstairs, okay?”
“Okay.” Ohno placed the sweets in the counter and he started leaving the kitchen to head upstairs when his mother asked, “Which cake would you prefer, shortcake or cheesecake?”
“Cheesecake!” Ohno yelled back in response, and then he rushed upstairs, to his room. It was unlocked, but the moment Ohno was inside, he locked it. His mom has been cleaning his room, he was sure of it, because the sheets has been changed, and so did the curtain, and that was what kept on bugging him all this time.
If his mother changed his sheets often, or, at least, washed his sheets, shouldn’t she at least get suspicious…? Because sometimes his stepfather didn’t use any protection and sometimes things get messy; of course, Ohno had tried to clean it up as much as he could, but to change his sheets that much… To wash his flannel pants that often…
Or could it be…?
Ohno forced his body to move then; he pulled out the biggest luggage bag he had and he started putting the rest of his clothes to the bag - fortunately all his ‘good’ clothes were already at Sho’s, so Ohno only chose the one he still wanted to wear, throwing it into the bag carelessly because he got no time. Satisfied, he then moved to his desk, and he frowned. Too many things were there - figures, paints, brushes, sketchbook… He decided that he could always buy new paints though, since the one here were almost dried out. So he picked up the brushes, sketchbooks, and some of his precious figures and he put it inside the bag’s pocket, hoping that it wouldn’t break. Then he moved to take out some of his textbooks (he only picked those that were rich in colors), his mangas, ah, and of course, some of his old shoes too.
Once he was done, the luggage bag seemed like it would burst out in any second, but it managed, somehow. Ohno looked around his room, and he was a bit satisfied on how empty his room looked like now - he was afraid that once he decided to leave, his stuffs would get thrown away, and so he was glad that he was able to secure most of his precious belongings first. He purposefully left the luggage in his room though, and then he rushed downstairs, afraid that his mother has been waiting for too long. He found her in the living room with two cups of hot tea and a slice of cheesecake, and she was staring at the television silently.
But the television was off.
Ohno realized then that he had never really know much about his mother - he knew her hobby, her favorite food, her favorite flower; he knew the trivial things about her, but he didn’t really know what she was doing at home. He didn’t know her friends, didn’t know where she usually went, and didn’t know her habit. It was as if once her mother was having an affair and decided to marry that man - who was his stepfather at the moment - she had become a stranger. Ohno suddenly realized the awful distance that he had with her mom, and he wondered how many years would it took to repair it, to be able to hug her and feel the same warmth that Sho’s mother has been providing him.
He didn’t know if her mother would even acknowledge him anymore either if he started the conversation.
But oh, Ohno was stubborn. Stubborn and determined and loved. He walked towards his mother, sat on the sofa on her side, but didn’t bother with the tea.
“You know, didn’t you?”
His mother didn’t even turn to acknowledge him. “About what?”
“That dad was raping me.” Ohno was surprised with how calm and composed he was; on the other hand, his mother scowled at the mention of it, like Ohno had said something taboo, something that wasn’t ever meant to be said. “You know, right?”
“Don’t be silly, Satoshi.” His mother mumbled, but her eyes were still refusing to meet Ohno. “He would never do that.”
“He did.” Ohno insisted calmly. “You noticed, right? He was raping me, and he did it quite often - it’s weird if you never noticed him sneaking out from your bedroom at night for a long time; unless you’ve been drugged, which didn’t seems to be the case.” His mother brought the cup of tea to her lips, but she was trembling, and Ohno pitied her, almost, but his anger was flaring right now. “And you’ve been washing my sheets and clothes, right? Haven’t you ever noticed something weird -“
“Satoshi.”
“And what about the trash bin in my room? You emptied it too, didn’t you? Have you never found any condom or at least it packages; because I’m pretty sure dad threw it carelessly there.”
“Satoshi!”
“Mom!” Ohno yelled frustratedly. “You know, didn’t you?! You know, but you won’t accept it!”
“Because it can’t be true! It’s ridiculous!” His mother suddenly yelled back as she slammed the tea cup on the table. “Why would he wanted to do it with you?!”
“I want to know either.” Ohno mumbled sarcastically, and oh, he was surprised on how good it felt sometimes to be mean. “I want to know either why he was raping me when he have you.”
His mother stared at him as if Ohno just confessed that he had murdered someone; she looked offended, hurt, but on top of everything, she looked betrayed. Ohno’d understand though, because he couldn’t even imagine his loved one doing it to him - to imagine Sho doing someone else -
“Then why did you let him?”
Ohno wished he had misheard her. “I’m sorry?”
“Why did you let him?” His mother asked in a rush. “You could’ve stopped him - why didn’t you? Why did you let him have sex with you? Did you also want it? Or simply because you’re curious - ”
“You can’t be serious.” Ohno whispered, his body trembling because her mother’s accusations hurt more than anything - because with every word that left her, Ohno felt like she was trying to kill him. “You can’t be serious - do you think that I want it?”
“Then why - give me a reason!” She yelled. “Oh my god, Satoshi - you know that I loved him, right?! You know that he’s your stepfather, right? Then why are you doing this? Why did you let it happened?!”
Ohno stared at her, at someone that he has been addressed to all this time as his mother. He listened to her every word, and with that, he felt something shattering in the distance. Something was broken beyond repair, gone with the wind, and Ohno felt empty.
His mother went on and on, blaming him, blaming everything but herself, and then she sat back down to her sofa, hands covering her face as she said. “I just want to be happy - why can’t you understand? Why can’t you just let me be happy?”
On any other time, Ohno’d probably do that. If he had never met Sho, he’d probably try to keep her happy; he’d closed his eyes and accepted the raping. He’d let his mother be oblivious. He’d let everyone be oblivious about it. He’d act like nothing happened; and everything would just go on normally, until he probably was tired enough and decided to end himself.
But Ohno has had enough.
“Don’t be selfish.” He whispered, letting the word filling him, before he shouted it out. “Stop being so selfish!”
His mother jolted, brown eyes peeking up at Ohno but not quite looking - Ohno hadn’t even realized that he had stood, or that he had his fists balled on his side, body shaking in fury. “Stop being so selfish! Look at me!” He yelled. “Look at what I’ve become! I’m so dirty, Mom! So dirty and disgusting and just - “ Ohno could feel the tears welling up, but he couldn’t stop. Not now. “I’m so dirty that I can’t even accept myself; that I refused to recognize myself as anything but that. I was so broken, so broken that I have to let someone else helping me. So broken, that I have to let someone else’s family to heal me. You were never there, mom. When dad beat me up, you were never there. And now, when the man that you claimed you loved was raping me, you were never there for me either. I’ve tried, mom. I’ve tried to keep you happy, that was why I was always being silent over everything, but this time, I couldn’t.” He felt a single tear rolled down his cheek, and he wiped it furiously - he didn’t need this. He didn’t want to cry. “I had enough.” He breathed out with difficulty, trying to stop himself from bursting out crying.
“I want my happiness too, as much as you wanted yours.”
He heard his mother’s loud breathing, before then she started crying too. She was sobbing like a child, hands wrapped around herself as she swayed back and forth, back and forth; she looked like a ticking bomb, like she was going to self-destruct soon with all her selfishness. Ohno stared at her from behind his watery eyes - he thought of hugging her, but he knew that he couldn’t. If he hugged her right now, he felt like he was going to ruin everything; that hug wouldn’t convey anything. “I can’t even hug you.” He said, his voice piercing through her sobbing. “I can’t even hug you.”
And with that, he was back upstairs and he dragged his luggage bag down the stairs. It was such a hard task, even more when his chest started tightening painfully and he felt like hyperventilating. His body has gotten really weak, and his frustrations started growing with how heavy the bag was - thankfully, he managed to get it downstairs safely, though it hit the wooden floor with a loud ‘thud’.
“Are you going to leave too?” His mother shouted loudly from the living room as Ohno dragged the luggage bag throughout the hallway. “Are you going to leave too, just like your real father?”
Ohno thought of not answering her, but in the end, he stopped near the living room. “We never leave - it’s you who leave.”
His mother said nothing more even though he had purposefully waited for her to say something, and so, Ohno continued to the door.
And surprisingly - or not - Satomi and his stepfather came home.
His stepfather and Satomi stopped in the doorframe when they saw Ohno standing before them, face wet with tears and with a big luggage on hands. His stepfather tilted his head, listening to the wailing of Ohno’s mother, and then he stated, “You told her.”
“Yeah.”
“I told you she isn’t stable, yet you went on and told her.” His stepfather continued, but he didn’t sounded angry or anything. If anything, he was observing the matter very calmly, his hand tight on Satomi’s little one.
“Someone needs to wake her up.” Ohno mumbled as he put on his shoes. “Someone needs to make her realize that she couldn’t keep living the way she wanted - not anymore.”
“You’re leaving then?” Ohno nodded. “To Sakurai’s place?”
He bit down his lips. “That’s the only place I have. The only place where someone would accept me openly.”
“Oh.” His stepfather was silent for a while, before then he asked, “Would he accept Satomi too?”
Ohno stared up at him in shock; Satomi was looking up at her father too - she probably understood what he was trying to do. “Why?” Ohno asked.
“I can’t raise her.” His stepfather answered solemnly; his eyes were filled with sadness, and for once, Ohno thought that it was purely genuine. “I can’t raise her - not now, when everything was a mess. If you leave, you might as well take her along with you, because I can’t imagine her living in this house with just me and your mother. She wouldn’t survive. She would lose herself.” Ohno watched his stepfather’s hand tightening around Satomi’s. “And I don’t want anything to happen to her. She’s my daughter.”
Ohno turned to look at Satomi, and then towards the door, before his gaze fell on his stepfather. “I can’t bring her with me.”
His face fell, like Ohno had actually hurt him. “Why not?”
“Because it’s not fair for her.” He spoke; Satomi stared at him, and all of sudden, his mind became clear. He let his luggage fell into the floor with a soft ‘thud’, and he rubbed his face in frustration.
How could he do this? How could he even think of leaving?
His mother’s wailing was still ringing on his ears; Satomi’s innocent gaze was piercing through him. “Promise me.” He said all of sudden. “Promise me that you won’t touch me anymore.”
“What?”
“Don’t touch me anymore. Never come near my room anymore. You don’t have to act like my father. You can treat me like a stranger, a freeloader, but just don’t touch me.” Ohno told his stepfather defiantly. “If you do, then I’ll stay. We can pretend to continue being a family - anything, just so Satomi would never ended up broken like me -“
“Or we can try being a real family.” His stepfather’s voice was barely inaudible, just a tiny bit above a whisper, and Ohno almost missed it, but he didn’t. “We can try fixing…whatever we are right now.”
“Can we?” Ohno wasn’t being skeptical about it; if anything, he was a bit hopeful. He began to see a light; a tiny sparkle of light in the end of the dark tunnel he has been walking throughout the years. “Can we fix…whatever it is we’ll try to fix?”
“I guess so, yeah. I did some thinking when you’re away, and I wasn’t sure myself why I did that to you -“
“You thought I’m sexy and my perky butt is cute.”
“There’s that, yeah.” His stepfather grumbled bashfully. “But really, even when I’m not acting like a father, technically, you’re my son - or at least, that was what they wrote down in the paper. And I don’t know why I didn’t see you as one before.“
“Maybe because I’m too sexy.”
“Shut up.” His stepfather snapped, but Ohno could see his eyes twinkling in an amusement, and Ohno thought that being sarcastic felt good, once in a while. “So, I was saying… Yeah, to be honest, I never really saw you as my son. Just, what, a freeloader, maybe. A baggage that I have to accept when I marry your mother.”
That hurt, but Ohno kept his mouth shut; giving his stepfather a chance to finish what he got to say.
“But, I started thinking, what if it happened to Satomi; the thought was so unbearable. I’m scared. I couldn’t stand the thought of someone treating Satomi that way. And I realized what a bastard I have been. And I think I’d have to fix this, somehow.” He peered toward Ohno, and he almost looked like he was going to say ‘sorry’, but he wasn’t ready yet, and Ohno understood. “And so, yeah. I won’t touch you anymore, I guess. As long as you don’t walk around topless in the house.”
“I won’t do that.” Ohno promised, but it wasn’t really needed, because his stepfather’s gaze has darted to his neck, and he scoffed. “You can’t bring that Sakurai kid here - I hate him.”
“I love him.” Ohno argued; his gaze turned towards the door, to the scenery outside of this house, and his mind wandered to Sho, who might have been waiting for him right now in his apartment - waiting to welcome him with ‘welcome home, Satoshi’.
“Do you want to see him?”
“I do.” He didn’t have any problem to admitting it, but then Ohno walked towards the door; he held the doorknob with his hand, weighing the option in his mind, and he finally realized why Sho looked uneasy before. He knew that probably Ohno was going to stay with his family; that he was going to try to fix this once more. He knew that Ohno was probably wasn’t going to live with him.
“If so, then go.” His stepfather told him. “I can take care of your mother.”
Ohno bit down his lips. If he left, there was a chance he wouldn’t find the strength to go back here. If he left, he was sure he’d live a happy life with Sho - but he’d throw everything away. He’d left a tangled mess behind for them to deal - he could see his family being broken, and, above all, he didn’t want Satomi to experience what he has gone through. She needed to be protected; she couldn’t be broken. She couldn’t.
He closed his eyes shut, as if trying to send his thought, his feelings, to Sho, and then he closed the door. “No.” He said with determination. “If its Sho, he’d understand.”
Ohno ruffled Satomi’s hair as he walked past her, back inside the house and to the living room. His mother wasn’t wailing anymore, but she was still sobbing quietly; her face was a mess. It was wet with tears and his long, black hair got stuck in it; Ohno reached out to sweep her hair away from her face, and for once, he felt the overwhelming love he could ever felt towards her mother. “Stop crying.” He told her softly. “Stop crying, and let’s fix this.”
Her mother didn’t seemed like she quite understand, but she nodded timidly, and she held into Ohno’s hand tight; her eyes were staring unblinkingly at Ohno, and Ohno wondered what could she possibly thinking now, or what, exactly, was she trying to tell Ohno with her round, chocolate eyes. But he knew that he’d have the time to figure it out. He’d have the time to talk to her, and maybe, to finally able to hug her someday.
“Are we okay?” Satomi finally asked, and without him realizing it, she was already in the living room too, hand in hand with her father, looking entirely hopeful as she stared at Ohno. “Are we okay now?”
“Not yet.” Ohno replied. “But we are going to be okay.”
“Are you sure?”
He smiled; it was weird, but he wanted what he had said. It was weird, because Ohno was sure that he had forgiven them, without them having to ask for it. “I’m sure.”
***
Months later.
Ohno never came back.
Sho has been expecting it, so he wasn’t really waiting for Ohno - not much. It didn’t hurt that much either; probably the only thing that bothered Sho was that Ohno didn’t say anything to him. But again, that was to be expected.
Sho knew. He knew Ohno better than anyone else. When Ohno said that he wanted to talk to his mother, Sho could actually translate it as ‘I want to fix this one more time’. Ohno was stupid sometimes. So stupid and so innocent and so kind - and Sho knew that if Ohno was being asked over and over again, whether he has to choose his family or Sho, he’d have come with the same answer. The amount of love that Sho gave him would never enough to cover the thirst of a family that Ohno craved - longed, so much. Sho wasn’t ready yet. Ohno wasn’t ready yet.
So Sho told himself that he’d be okay. It took him a week to stop dreaming about Ohno or to stop talking to the empty space; half-expecting Ohno to answer it. But eventually, he stopped. It was also a coincidence that he got something to disturb him. On the day that Ohno left him, he got a call, telling him that he had passed the interview he took a week before. He was officially a newscaster now.
And so when he was first being introduced via the news program, Sho smiled. He smiled so wide and he was being so confident (though he did stumbled with his words a few times but well) so Ohno would at least know that Sho was okay. That Sho was doing fine and most definitely NOT eating curry every single night possible. His work as a newscaster kept him busy - he was busy with reading, studying, going on trips to cover events; his schedules were so packed, but that was good. Being this busy, he could temporarily forgot about Ohno; remembering him only when he was alone in the apartment but from a bottle of wine that he kept chugged down and hugged as he cried himself to sleep.
But he lived on, somehow. He packed Ohno’s stuff that was still on his apartment (Ohno didn’t even bother taking, or asking, about them) and kept it in one of his dusty room. He met new people. He grew. He became a proper adult. He had Nino to slap him and Aiba to laugh it off every time they meet to keep himself together.
So all was good.
One rainy night though, he walked out of the building only to see someone standing under the autumn rain with a blue umbrella; piranhas were horribly printed on the surface, and Sho knew, by heart, who would have that kind of ridiculous umbrella. He knew, and he couldn’t stop himself from running towards him; his own, boring, see-through umbrella forgotten behind him as he made his way through the rain.
A pair of brown eyes found him, and he nearly sobbed.
“Satoshi.”
Ohno welcomed him to his embrace; the umbrella were knocked out and rolled away, driven by the wind, and they both were soaked to the bone, but none seemed to care. Ohno clung to him like a second skin, fingers clutching on his coat as he started talking with his trembling lips. “You deserved an explanation, and here goes: I’m a bastard. I should’ve called you, should’ve come by and see you, but I didn’t, because I thought that you might hate me from not coming back. But I’m trying, with my family - we are a family now, somehow. Mom is, she’s being a mom and -“ Ohno gasped. “Oh God, the explanation is so lame I’m -“
“Sssh.” Sho reached down and put a finger on Ohno’s lips. “Don’t ruin it. Don’t ruin it.”
“I’ve ruined it.”
“Kind of. No. Well, almost. But just don’t.” He hugged Ohno even tighter. “I love you so much.”
“And I love you too. And I think, this time, I’m ready.” Ohno replied. “I’m ready, Sho-chan.”
“Me too. I’m ready too.”
They stood there until they couldn’t take the cold anymore; after that they climbed to Sho’s car, soaked to their bone and dripping endless water to the couch as they turned on the heater as high as they could. Once they were home, they took a hot shower together in the most innocent sense possible - Sho thought it was almost impossible to take a hot shower together with naked Ohno after months of no sex, but he managed. He wasn’t even thinking about it, much, because he was still basking in the fact that Ohno was here. He was here. Here.
They rummaged through the boxes and found Ohno’s old pair of pajamas; after wearing that, Ohno called home, asking for permissions to stay here for the night. The conversation seemed light and cheerful, very different with how it used to be before, and Ohno was smiling when he hung up, and that, in itself, was a very great improvement. Sho couldn’t help but smile too; he then led Ohno to his bedroom, where they settled naturally like nothing has ever changed. Their fingers latched naturally, foreheads touching against each other, and they breathed. Softly. Rhythmically.
“You looked great.” Ohno spoke after a while, warm breath sweeping against Sho’s lips. “In the news program - with suits on and a silver tie.”
“Thanks.” Sho grinned. “I worked for that look.”
“Definitely. I didn’t even know you have suits.”
“Gotta buy tons of them - my closet were packed with suit now.”
“So, you’re rich now?”
“Kinda.” He laughed, and Ohno did too, but then he started. “Satoshi, I’ve been thinking…”
“Hmm?”
“I’ve been thinking.” Sho’s hand went up to run through Ohno’s still damp brown hair. “I’ve grown so much.”
“You do.”
“Yeah. I’ve grown up so much, and I feel like, it’s time to start moving.”
“You’ll look for a new apartment?”
“Not quite.” He smiled softly. “I’m thinking of buying a house.”
“A house.” Ohno repeated dreamily. “A house sounds nice.”
“Yeah. It doesn’t have to be big. Even a small one will do.” He then stared at Ohno’s brown eyes. “And I want you there.”
Ohno’s eyes widened like he didn’t expect this - he should though, because of course Sho was going to ask him to live there with him; he wouldn’t have anyone else. “Me?”
“You.” Sho repeated as he kissed Ohno’s forehead. “I want to live with you there. I want to have a place for us. You and me. Together. And then maybe we can have a family.” Ohno was crying now, but Sho continued, and he was in no better condition either - he was already teary-eyed too. “We can adopt a kid - a boy, and we can take him to the park every Sunday. Or a girl and we can treat her to ice cream like how we did with Satomi. Then, once in a month, we will invite everyone else. We’ll have a barbeque party, and your family will be there, and mine too. And so did Jun. And Nino and AIba - oh, I have to introduce them to you. Everyone will be there. We’ll become a big family.”
Ohno was sobbing; tears kept on flowing to his cheeks. But he was smiling; he was smiling widely and Sho was reminded all over again about how in love he was with Ohno. “That sounds wonderful.” Ohno breathed out then.
“So, does that means…”
“Yes.” Ohno nodded eagerly despite his tears. “Yes. Yes. Yes, I’ll live with you. But please let me contribute some money too - I’ve been working as a part-timer. There’s not much, but I want to use my money too to buy a house with you. So that I can proudly call it as our house.”
“Of course.” Sho said, chest swelling with so much happiness as he wiped the tears away from Ohno’s face. “Of course.”
Ohno started laughing then, like the idea of them living together was actually absurd - it was, but they were going to make it happen, somehow. Sho knew they do. He knew that someday, all that he was talking about would become a reality.
And after what felt like eternity, Sho finally kissed Ohno’s lips.
And it was beautiful.
Chapter 14 | Epilogue