SPN Fic: A lone daffodil; Sam/Jess
Title: A lone daffodil
Author: Ada
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Pilot
Characters: Sam/Jess
Disclaimer: I don't own nothin'
A/N: This is an attempt at a new style of writing discovered in my fiction writing class. Forgive any rough edges, please.
Summary: Sam, Jess and the truth.
Ada
A lone daffodil
…rests in a tiny vase on the table between us and Jess stares at it and goes silent and she must be trying to think of something to say to me, and I close my eyes, tired and confused, and try not hear the words she finally says and the questions and - where is your father and what does your family do - and I wish I could tell her but I’m afraid even though Winchester’s aren’t supposed to know fear when it comes in the form of a woman with pretty eyes and blonde hair and her fingers are stroking my hand and she asks, pleads with me to tell the truth just this once because “I love you, I do, but I have to know, I need to know” and we leave the restaurant and in my dorm she packs up her side of the room; clothes and books tossed into a little blue duffle, which she hoists over her shoulder and even though I want to say something, try to stop her, she walks out the door anyway and why shouldn’t she, why should someone be with someone they don’t really know and I never should’ve started something that I can’t finish because I can never finish, I can never tell and it’ll never be good enough for anyone and people with secrets can never be happy and I’ll always be alone just like Dean said, and yet I can’t stop myself as I go to her apartment and stand at the door uncertain and confused and my eyes are wet when she finally opens it and stands there, so tall she can almost look me in the eye but she doesn’t and she doesn’t ask why I’m here and I open my mouth but no words come out and I think of that picture of my mother and how Jess looks like her and I wonder what she would tell me to do but it’s useless because I never knew her but I know Jess and so I should know what to say, and she has her hand on the door and I imagine her slamming it in my face and I wonder what I would do next, just go home and cry and drink and wish I could go back to what I left behind but I “you go out that door and you don’t come back” and there’s no choice anyway, nothing behind me and nothing in front of me, and then Jess’ jaw twitches and “why are you here Sam” and “I miss you Jess, I’m sorry” but sorry isn’t good enough and she shakes her head I hang mine and then she kisses me anyway and she doesn’t forgive me but she’ll give me more time, and I nod and I promise to tell her someday even though I never will, and one year later I’ll wish I had when Dean comes and then I pack a bag just like she did back then, and she’s asking me about it and my time is running out and when I come home I’ll finally have to tell her the truth, but I kiss her and leave and spend the weekend hunting a ghost and not answering the phone and listening to her voicemails and remembering why I left my family and not even Dean could pull me back now, and I smile and leave the Impala and go up the stairs and picture a house and a dog and kids and a steady job and Christmases with family and laughter and a million things I want the future to be, cookies and fireplaces and fancy restaurants, and when I get inside I know she’s baked for me and I smile and think this is it, this is what I want and then something’s on my forehead and I look up and Jess is on the ceiling and she’s bursting into flames and that fake life falls apart in front of me but I want to go with them, disappear and be with Jess forever but then there’s Dean, dragging me out and I cry not because I miss her but because after all of these years the past finally got me, finally pulled me back and I wish my body were burned in that apartment with Jess and we were a pile of dust together, but I didn’t and I’m stuck and I never told her the truth, and it was all she wanted, and I wonder what would have happened if I never went to see her after she left me, if I had just let her go.