#003 [ONE-SHOT] Of Lies And...
Title: Of Lies And...
Author: kyuppuccino
Pairing: Sungmin / Kyuhyun (slight Kangin / Kyuhyun)
Rating: R (for cussing and implied sex, but it's a rather clean fanfiction)
Summary: Kyuhyun is jealous, and possessive.
Dedicated to: Maylene; and Katrina for reading it first.
Word-count: 7205 words.
Extra info: unusual pattern, partially timed story.
Comments: at the bottom of the page.
It starts early in the morning, when there’s too much caffeine in your system and little goodwil to drag your feet out of the door and off to work. It’s easy for Youngwoon: no strings, no attachments, no promises; it’s pure lust, or perhaps not even that, because Youngwoon just loves controlling people and what better way is there to have someone at your mercy than making waves of pleasure repeatedly strike their nerves? And although Youngwoon professes his heterosexuality every single day and spreads it to the four winds, just for good measure, he doesn’t hesitate in being open with some of the group members when they ask for attention.
It’s only minutes before his hand slides on Kyuhyun’s bare torso and down into his pyjama, just as Kyuhyun’s moist lips attach to his forehead and eyes and nose and ears. Despite the obviously heated situation and what one might think, the younger boy’s concentration falters; he keeps looking towards the same direction, his mouth is connected to his hyung’s skin, but his eyes are darting to the side, wide and alert. He doesn’t seem to be worried, no, definitely not; he looks at ease and his gaze searches and scans the kitchen’s door, as if he were waiting for something to happen. Or, perhaps, someone to come?
Kyuhyun is actually very careful with his actions. He wants it, this pleasure, and he doesn’t; not once he lets Youngwoon kiss him on the mouth, not even briefly or by accident. It’s not his first time doing this, but it’s his first time doing it with someone else, yet he seems to know very well how it has to be. Morals are morals, and although he might be currently distorting them a little, he still has some presence of mind left to tell what is right and what is wrong. Despite the immense pleasure, despite his determination in starting it first by sitting with his legs on each side of his hyung’s thigh, provoking him and riling him up… despite all this, Kyuhyun feels unclean. Not unsure, just unclean.
If you saw him, you would think differently, but Youngwoon isn’t that careless: he is well aware of the other boy’s intimate relationship with another of their group members, so when he asks the younger boy where Sungmin is, Kyuhyun blatantly lies. He isn’t home, he says, who cares about him anyway. And then his arms are on his hyung’s back again, scratching and digging into the warm flesh, probably leaving a red mark or two. Then, suddenly, Kyuhyun hears someone drop whatever-it-was that he was holding - later he finds it to be only a bottle of milk scented shampoo - and as he manages to catch a quick glimpse of messy blonde hair, a groan dies in his throat.
On one hand Kyuhyun wants to stand up and follow the source of running footsteps, but on the other he is content with the result. In fact, much to Youngwoon’s bewilderment, after the initial emotional reaction has worn off, Kyuhyun doesn’t look as shocked as he should. He’s smirking, now, and his eyes light up like a child’s. Astonished, the oldest pushes him off roughly in a surge of anger, staring down at him as the other boy falls on his ass: his long limbs reduced to an awkward mess, sprawled on the kitchen floor tiles.
“You’re an idiot.” Youngwoon says in a jumble of stuttered syllables, his icy gaze focused on Kyuhyun, eyes directly piercing the younger’s. “I may have no morals, but I would never hurt any of the other members on purpose.”
Kyuhyun is surprised and for a moment he doesn’t react. He simply remains still, with his mouth gaping like a fish out of water, as if to say something at least, but Youngwoon cuts him off before he can even think of an excuse. “Drag me into another of these fucking stunts of yours and it won’t be pretty. Fucking jerk.” He points an accusing finger at the boy on the floor, his eyes still glaring and menacing, then he storms off. Kyuhyun doesn’t move yet, instead he listens, carefully: his hyung’s thumping footsteps echoing through the hallway, heading toward the general direction of the fleeting blonde head’s room, he’s sure.
It seemed like a good idea, yesterday; but not anymore, not now.
06:11 PM - Sungmin realizes that this isn’t what he really wanted, but Lee Sungmin is proud and Lee Sungmin doesn’t apologize when he isn’t wrong, so when Kyuhyun steps into the kitchen and meets his gaze later that day, all he does is scoff and leave the room with his nose high up in the air. Pride is everything to a man. A hyung shouldn’t even be doing the dishes anyway; what are younger members there for? Once he’s out of the other boy’s sight, however, his resolve breaks a little: he sighs as he realizes that Kyuhyun usually dries the dishes with him, but he’s made up his mind already and he won’t go back - he can't let him win this time.
06:24 PM - Kyuhyun slams the cabinet shut after having put away the last few glasses. The sink is a mess and no matter how many times he scrubs and no matter how pruney his fingers are, these plates are definitely ganging up on him and refusing to get cleaned. He stares at them hard, in disbelief, as if his angry gaze could intimidate them. He thinks there’s nothing he can do about it: they will never shine like Sungmin’s freshly washed plates do. As he moves to pile them up, he thinks that perhaps he could ask his hyung to teach him how to do it right, but Cho Kyuhyun is younger, and although surprisingly more mature, he won’t admit defeat, not this time.
06:30 PM - Sungmin’s cellphone vibrates in his pocket, he reaches for it as quickly as he can: he is sure it is Kyuhyun calling him from the other room - it wouldn’t be the first time happening - so he really has a good excuse to pout and snort when he realizes it’s only the alarm clock informing him that an M.net Special on Song Hyegyo in Paris is airing soon. Oh well, better than nothing, he thinks as he shuffles his feet making his way to the living room. Suddenly he finds himself flattened against the door to one of the boys’ rooms as an hyperactive Donghae runs past him with an tin foil funnel atop his head, a water bottle in hand and a frightened look on his face: Sungmin decides the younger boy has watched “Signs” too many times already. As he moves to detach himself from the door, he makes mental note of disposing of said DVD in the trashcan and replacing it with something less dangerous, something like “Aladdin” perhaps. Soon he realizes that he hates the soundtrack with a passion though, so he convinces himself that “The Lion King” is much cuter and for a moment he hates himself as well for thinking of that animation movie first. Old habits die hard.
06:32 PM - Zapping has never been so easy and the programs never so boring; suddenly Kyuhyun catches a glimpse of the Tour Eiffel and he stops on that channel: this monument has always looked so fascinating to him, he even bought a storyroom background of it for his cyworld. But then, Song Hyegyo’s smiling face pops out of nowhere on the screen and he knows she’s scorning him with that smile, so he jeers at her and immediately switches channel, opting for a Jumong rerun. He knew it since the beginning that she’s a talentless actress and she could never beat his Song Il Gook.
06:33 PM - Noises coming from the television catch Sungmin’s attention and before he can yell at whoever is hogging it… he spots him. Kyuhyun is lying on the couch in a wifebeater and a pair of boxers only, his legs spread apart: one dangling off the couch and the other resting on the header. He looks up and their eyes meet for a second until Kyuhyun groans in displeasure and focuses back on the screen. Sungmin stares at him disbelievingly for a moment longer, his brain telling him it’s not worth it, but something else is pressing and insisting that there’s only one way to make up with Kyuhyun. It doesn’t even need words and it works more often than not, but he already decided he won’t let him win. After one last longing glance at Kyuhyun’s legs, Sungmin wishes he were female today as he finds himself walking funnily all the way to Hyukjae’s room, searching for the latter’s PMP for a little assistance.
07:17 PM - Kyuhyun wishes he had a different schedule today; he anxiously thinks of the members living in his own dorm, one by one, and tries to remember what they’ll be doing tonight. All the bigger hyungs and Hyukjae will be busy with M!Countdown and their own radio shows. That would leave Donghae out, but he knows that alien hyung will probably be off to help Ryeowook improve his dancing into the wee hours of the morning. However, he also knows that they’ll waste a good amount of time eating strawberries, only to come back with indigestion and get scolded again. He thinks of the boys in the other dorm and Siwonie hyung, but none of them ever goes on radio and asking Heechul hyung for a favour would be the same as condemning himself to a few months of sacrifices. He sighs and lets his head flop down on the couch cushion, hoping that it will come to life and swallow him whole like a giant dionaea.
08 PM - Sungmin nonchalantly walks back to the living room; only to find Kyuhyun asleep on the couch, but in a more prude position this time and he thanks the Heavens for being on his side for once. He looks at the board with their schedule on the wall and nearly gets a heart attack at the realization, his legs wanting to give out and his lungs protesting for air: « 070809 CBJC Radio - DJ: Sungmin; GUEST: Kyuhyun (PART 1 - viewable radio) » Sungmin shakes his head, rubs his eyes and considers running a finger over the outline of Kyuhyun’s name to cancel the evidence, but the manager hyungs aren’t stupid and he’s sure they will immediately catch on. Lee Sungmin can’t escape now, but he runs to his room anyway.
08:28 PM - The older boy moans and purrs as Kyuhyun runs his hands under his hot pink POLHAM shirt and his fingertips do wonders once they reach higher up. He lets those same hands tug his shirt up and off. Kyuhyun’s mouth doesn’t waste time and his lips immediately attach to a nearly invisible collarbone and they suck and bite leaving marks of ownership. Then he’s kissing him; Kyuhyun’s lips are gentle at first, the kiss is chaste and pure unlike their earlier actions, but soon it becomes more forceful, tongues meeting and rolling and curling for dominance. Kyuhyun can’t breathe, it feels as if he ran out of oxygen, so he pulls away, but he still can’t breathe and Sungmin is smiling and subtly smirking as Kyuhyun stumbles in his steps, his arms at his throat as if he could tear it open to try and breathe and then a sharp pain runs through his body.
08:28 PM - It won’t be long before manager Minsung comes to fetch the boys for schedule; Sungmin sighs in defeat, grabs his things and heads for a shower. Once out of his room, soft gasping sounds followed by a pleasure filled whimper reach his ears, catching his attention. Taking a few more steps towards the source of such noises, his eyes are greeted by the sight of Kyuhyun writhing on the couch: eyes shut tight and harsh moans coming out of his full lips. Sungmin’s stomach is twisting and knotting and suddenly he can’t take it anymore, so he grabs the nearest pillow and presses it on Kyuhyun’s face, completely covering it in hope to shut him up, to block the sounds. The younger boy flails his arms and brings them at his own neck and then he starts convulsing on the couch. Only then the offender smiles in victory and scampers off to the bathroom just as Kyuhyun falls to the floor with a yelp and a loud thud. That shall teach you to moan dreaming about other people, the older boy thinks, knowing he’s right; once in the bathroom he gets rid of all his clothes and steps under the spray of water, letting it wash away his tears.
09:41 PM - Kyuhyun is sitting in the backseat, his arms folded over his chest and a look full of spite on his face. His eyes closed to mere slits, burning holes in the back of Sungmin’s head. Waking up with his ass on the floor and a pillow in his mouth hadn’t been pleasant and it didn’t take him long to put two and two together and figure out what had happened. He knows that Sungmin knows that he knows and then he thinks that knowing too much gives him a headache, so he stops thinking and proceeds to count the number of fingers he could break on Sungmin’s hands without compromising schedule. However, that could get him kicked out of the dorm instead, perhaps even out of the group and he really doesn’t want to be remembered as the transitory member of Super Junior with no discipline at all. Oh no.
10:30 PM - Sungmin thinks that hypocrisy has never been so bittersweet and so cruel too. Kyuhyun is smart and not once does he let anyone understand what is actually going on between them. The staff, Sooyoung, the viewers, the listeners… no one but the manager knows. The boy keeps smiling and cracking jokes, if he so much dared to subtly insult Sungmin or make fun of him in quite the ironic way, no one would notice the truth lying behind his pungent words. That’s exactly how bratty he’d always been on CBJC Radio with Youngwoon hyung and he really enjoys how this power of his is coming in handy today. Sungmin, on the other hand, feels uneasy: Kyuhyun’s voice, his smile, the sound of his melodic laughter, the way his eyes grow bigger in size for a split second as he sings, the way they shine brightly, how his tongue rolls as he sings bits of his most favourite Disney song… everything is driving him nuts. No matter how angry the older boy is, this just isn’t helping him keep his cool.
00:26 AM - It’s awkward; thousands of thoughts are running through Kyuhyun’s mind and he just lets them, as he is unable to grasp just one and concentrate on it. Sooyoung’s dorm is on the way to their own, so they give her a ride, as usual. Kyuhyun doesn’t mind, as long as he’s there to control the situation, and as they have schedule early in the morning tomorrow, taking a nap in the car sounds like a good plan. As soon as his head comes into contact with the window, however, he knows he won’t be able to sleep. Eventually, those thousands of thoughts become a single, confused one and the words SUNGMIN • THIGH • PILLOW are all he can make out before he decides - no, he actually admits - that he really misses his hyung.
00:34 AM - It’s ridiculous; Sungmin stares out of the car window trying to ignore his surroundings, because radio left him with a feeling of bitterness tonight and he just can’t manage to get rid of it now. It’s dark outside, save for the rare, few street-lamps that try their best to bless him with the view of Kyuhyun’s reflection in the fibreglass window. He isn’t looking towards his direction, but he’s biting nervously on his lip and there’s a frown fixated on his face. Sungmin closes his eyes tight and attempts to dispel that image before he loses even the last bit of self-control he has. However, just as he tells himself that he’s strong and he can do it, his iPod backstabs him and begins to play his favourite song: each word, each line in the lyrics is like a needle going in and out of the heart beating angrily in his chest and tears run freely down his cheeks, uncaring of the makeup.
00:35 AM - Although it’s summer and the weather is hot and humid and disgusting enough to cause people to suffer from the heat, Kyuhyun feels cold. The car window does nothing to make him feel any better, so he shifts position and he does everything with his eyes closed as to not have to meet Sungmin’s gaze, even by accident. He slumps in his seat a little and draws his legs closer to his chest, only to rest a cheek on his knees: it’s uncomfortable and his balance is precarious, but as much as he’s dying on the inside for physical contact, he knows Sungmin is furious and he would only get pushed away if he touched him. Right now, he doesn’t think he could take rejection, not when he really wants the other to hold him, to love him. Regret has gradually started to consume him and he can’t seem to be able to find a way to escape, because it was solely his fault since the beginning.
00:36 AM - “This must be all I dream, when I wake up you'll be back. I try to reassure my broken heart but you're walking further away. I feel sorry for myself as I cry watching you leave.” The song plays monotonously and as each second passes Sungmin’s defences break, leaving him with cravings he really doesn’t want to admit to himself. He hears movement to his left, he can feel the younger boy shifting position and he snaps his eyes open, in hope to catch his gaze through the reflection in the glass, even by accident, but he knows Kyuhyun is angry and he will only get ignored. Right now, he doesn’t think he can take rejection, not when he really wants the other to hold him, to love him. Closing his eyes once again, he blindly presses his fingers to his tear-stricken cheeks and rubs them gently just as the song draws to an end, “If you really loved... if you loved me, turn around once even if it's while you leave.”¹
00:40 AM - Sleeping is something Kyuhyun just can’t do when his heart aches so much; the thought of how sweet and comfortable and carefree Sungmin’s voice sounded once Kyuhyun’s guest appearance was no longer needed is tormenting him. The sad look on his face was no longer there, his eyes bright and concentrated on doing well, on not disappointing the fans and the staff, on trying to be as good as Youngwoon hyung, or perhaps even better. He misses Sungmin; he misses him the most now, knowing the older boy is sitting only a few centimetres away from him, but he can’t look at him, can’t talk to him, can’t touch him without fearing denial. Kyuhyun wonders if the loud noise of his heart shattering into numerous tiny pieces could be heard by the people surrounding him too.
00:51 AM - The car comes to a stop opposite to a dark building and Sungmin takes out an earphone for a second as his manager informs him that he’ll be escorting Sooyoung to her dorm and will be back soon. For a moment, the boy wonders why Minsung hyung insists on telling him each night, even after nearly two months of radio activities, but soon he loses interest in the thought and lets it go unanswered. Not even a second passes before Sungmin is pressing the earphone back in place, just in time for BlACKBeat to finish singing “Don’t Tell Me” and for the next track to start playing, whichever it may be.
00:52 AM - Kyuhyun doesn’t see, but he feels the car halting. He listens to his manager tell them where he's going and still pretends to be sleeping just to avoid saying his goodbyes to Sooyoung and letting Sungmin know he is awake. The streets are empty, or so he thinks, because he can’t hear a single sound. Deep down he hopes Sungmin is looking at him, but he’s very aware of it being mere wishful thinking. Despite his wish, soon his eyelids start twitching a little and, although almost imperceptible, he’s afraid of being unable to keep them closed under Sungmin’s possible stare, thus he finds himself praying for his hyung to be ignoring him instead. Cho Kyuhyun, you’re a big mess. Make up your mind.
00:55 AM - A newfound hatred for his iPod and any other mp3 playing device possesses Sungmin’s heart; he forces himself to press forward and stop listening to this because he has his nerves on edge, but the song is faster than his will and soon Kyuhyun’s voice can be heard and Sungmin knows that this time they have really fucked up. Both of them. No matter what. He doesn’t press forward, but he presses pause: Kyuhyun’s words replay in his head like a rigmarole, a lullaby. “Take my hand...take my hand...take my hand...”² - they tease him and they seem to tell him what Kyuhyun can’t voice out, can’t do, or at least he wants to believe that it is the case.
00:57 AM - The younger boy hears it, the familiar soft click of an iPod button being pressed. Kyuhyun doesn’t know why, but he’s scared; he’s scared of being alone with Sungmin in such silence and darkness and although his eyes are closed already, he shuts them even tighter until they hurt. The car’s door opens abruptly, and a feeling of reassurance pervades Kyuhyun’s senses, but then he realizes the sound came from the wrong direction, not what he was expecting. And then there’s shifting on his side he opens his eyes wide only to catch a blurred glimpse of Sungmin’s legs and fingers before he slams the door shut once again.
01:00 AM - A cool night breeze catches Sungmin by surprise as he leans against the car, but it’s refreshing and it makes him feel alive, so he welcomes it with a half smile. He looks around: the streets are deserted and for a moment he’s really envious of the people who live close by, because peace and quiet is something he’s been lacking and missing ever since Super Junior was formed. He really misses being a trainee sometimes. He abandons himself to this feeling of freedom and suddenly feels more relaxed, he can feel his nerves finally loosen up a bit. The cool wind ruffles his short blonde hair and tickles his rosy tinted cheeks; he inhales deeply and closes his eyes just as the door on the other side slides open.
01:02 AM - It isn’t long before the younger boy gives in to his instinct, something is telling him that he has to do it, that Sungmin leaving him alone in the car was actually a hint, an open invitation and Kyuhyun finds that he really can’t resist. Dragging his feet, he too leans against the car, right next to the older boy, but not a word is uttered. He can hear the feeble ticking sound of Sungmin’s multicoloured watch as the seconds go by. One… two… three… four… five… s- and then Sungmin is kissing him. Kyuhyun slumps a little, allowing the much shorter boy to feel more comfortable in this position; his hands are on each side of him, trapping him between his arms, pinning him against the car, yet he isn’t touching him, not yet. Kyuhyun is shocked at first; he was expecting to argue and hear him scream and cry and eventually they would have talked things out. If Sungmin wanted to hit him and hurt him in any way, he was ready to take it all - if that meant being forgiven and loved again - but Sungmin’s mouth is insistent and soon his tongue is granted access as they both get lost in a desperate, needy kiss and become as one.
01:05 AM - Sungmin moans into the kiss, a familiar sensation burning in the pit of his stomach, his eyes stinging with tears of frustration and happiness mingled together just as Kyuhyun’s hand grabs his and he intertwines their fingers - “Take my hand…” And while Kyuhyun is unsure of what to do with his free hand, Sungmin’s is insatiable and obstinate: it cups the other boy’s face, it tugs at his dark hair painfully hard, and runs its fingers through it; then, it wraps around his neck and pulls his head closer in a breathtaking kiss and, eventually, it slides down, nails scratching across the younger boy’s back through the material of his shirt, eliciting soft gasps and whimpers from the latter as those curious fingers explore and trace teasing patterns.
01:09 AM - Kyuhyun loves kissing; he loves it when he can feel all of the other boy, he loves losing control and making him lose control, he loves it when the tongues battle gets so good and is so passionate that both their legs threaten to give out. Kyuhyun can feel the love and affection through the kiss and he hopes Sungmin can feel it too. Suddenly, however, thoughts of their argument that day begin to torment him: the screams, the shoves, the tears and the anger. He is well aware of what he did; he knows it’s his entire fault and that he should be more accepting, more open and have more faith to make this work. Although it looks like his hyung has forgiven him, Kyuhyun feels like he doesn’t deserve such kindness, he doesn’t deserve Sungmin’s love. He simply doesn’t deserve someone as good as Lee Sungmin.
01:13 AM - Despite being lost in an open mouthed kiss, Sungmin can’t help but sense Kyuhyun’s uneasiness; the younger boy becomes less and less responsive, and Sungmin knows exactly why, but fails to relent. He thinks Kyuhyun tastes nothing like those clichés in the fanfictions he read on the internet: it’s not vanilla, it’s not cherries and it damn well isn’t candy; if he has to be completely honest it isn’t even as pleasant as anyone would wish for, because Kyuhyun tastes sour and salty and it pretty much reminds him of the dinner they just had moments before, but Sungmin is addicted to it already and he doesn’t want to let go. Not ever.
01:18 AM - Slowly, gradually, Kyuhyun begins to push the reluctant older boy away, interrupting a kiss that lasted for minutes and he immediately realizes that they had not been sharing such a sincere and honest kiss in months. His free hand grabs onto Sungmin’s, prying it away from his waist just as it was making its way under his shirt to feel the smooth skin beneath. Kyuhyun feels guilty, he is guilty and he knows the shorter boy can feel it too: he can see it in his eyes as they stare into each other’s. Kyuhyun’s pleading, glistening dark orbs say more than the words he’s trying to grasp ever could, but he can’t look into Sungmin’s eyes for long yet, he doesn’t want to see all the pain he caused him, so he lets go of both his hands and pulls his body close to his chest.
01:21 AM - Silence envelopes them for a moment: Sungmin lets his head rest on Kyuhyun’s chest, feeling his every heartbeat and trying to match it with his, as if he could control it. He tries hard; he tries to hold his breath, he presses himself harder against the younger boy’s body, he wants to be part of him and he wants to be sure he isn’t imagining all this. His arms wrap around Kyuhyun’s waist; it’s small, it’s thin, and it’s tiny and Sungmin can’t help but think of the accident again, the weight loss and all of its consequences; despite such thoughts, though, his arms squeeze the younger boy’s body as if to prove him that he’s still there, with him, and he wishes it could be forever.
01:22 AM - Kyuhyun groans at the pressure the other boy’s arms apply to his waist, but it’s not pain, it’s the knot in his throat that threatens to make him cry. He buries his nose in Sungmin’s soft, blonde hair and inhales deeply, welcoming the scent of a sickeningly sweet shampoo that quickly spoils his nostrils. While one of his hands is firmly holding onto Sungmin’s back as if to keep him in place, to prevent an unexpected retreat, the other cradles the boy’s head, smoothing the hair on its back and tugging at it lightly. He sighs in contentment upon hearing the other purring softly and he begins to feel relaxed enough to finally speak his guilt.
“I…”
Breathe, now. Breathe.
“I’m sorry.”
I know.
“I can’t even find the right words…”
I can read them in your eyes though.
“Sungmin…”
Say it again.
“Lee Sungmin…”
Again, say it again. Again, again, again.
“I don’t deserve you.”
NO! Don’t leave. Nononon-
“But…”
…
“I have come to depend on you.”
I can’t breathe without you.
“I will learn.”
Your heartbeat…
“I will be more confident and I will have more faith.”
I just wish you would trust me.
“I know you would never hurt me, but…I don’t trust the…others, you know.”
They are work. She-is-work.
“When I see other people talking to you or touching you…”
Work. Work. Work.
“I can’t take it. I want to make you mine and claim you and kiss you in front of everyone and make you jealous so that you will desire me more. I want to tell them I love you and show them that you’re mine and no one else can have you. Keeping my feelings to myself, hiding from everyone, and living in a lie…I don’t know how to do it.”
I’ll teach you. Don’t give up. Not now.
“I know I was wrong and I’ll be forever sorry, but now I can see it with a different mindset…I think…”
I love you. Iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou.
“…I think I just needed reassurance.”
Can’t you see how much I care?
It’s silent all over again, save for Sungmin’s soft humming into Kyuhyun’s chest. They stay as they are; each lost in his own thoughts, uncaring of who might pass by and see them at such unmistakably intimate proximity. Right now, they are all that matters; the intense bond they share, the beating of their hearts so close together, their love is all that matters.
Deep inside Sungmin knows this isn’t the end to the pain they will consciously - or not? - inflict upon one another, but he would much rather consider it a new beginning for now. Love is never easy, but he knows this is what he wants. He knows that the younger boy’s jealousy and possessiveness will be persistent, he knows it damn well; he won’t give up though, because he is thoroughly convinced that if the good memories outnumber the bad ones then it will be all worth it; the pain and grief and sufferance will be worth it. Their hands will hold onto each other for as long as God will let them.
On the other end of the street, sitting uncomfortably on the pavement in an attempt to hide behind a broken bench, are manager Minsung and Sooyoung. With a few whispered words, the manager ushers the weeping girl towards a tall building and into the elevator. Not even a minute later, he’s walking back to the car and stops next to the couple leaning idly against it. He can’t say anything, this is none of his business; although he’s aware of the fact that many people would disapprove of this relationship, he tells himself that all he cares about is the boys’ happiness after all. And right now he can sense sheer happiness radiating off of their bodies. Abandoning his not-so-very ethical thoughts, he clears his throat softly before speaking and he manages to regain some of his composure, “shall-mmh… ready to go?”
The older boy reluctantly disentangles himself from Kyuhyun’s arms as the latter presses his lips atop his head and gives him one last loving kiss. The car’s door opens enough for Sungmin to climb back in, his body feeling suddenly numb and worn out, crushed by all of today’s emotions. Kyuhyun finds himself facing his manager; he feels unsure of what to do, so he just gives him an apologetic smile and a little bow before joining Sungmin. He doesn’t know exactly why he did it, he isn’t even sure the manager understands, or approves, but that’s the last worry on his mind for today.
The ride back home is quiet; Sungmin quickly falls asleep with his head on the younger’s thigh; a serene smile is gracing his pouty lips and his lithe figure is curled up on the backseat, an arm draped around the other’s waist. As the manager opts for being a silent presence in the car, Kyuhyun is left dealing with his own thoughts once again, clearly unable to stop thinking and fall asleep himself. Memories of their surreal morning still haunting him, hammering away in his brain and making him feel uncomfortable.
It takes about twenty minutes to reach Super Junior’s dorm from Sooyoung’s, Kyuhyun timed the ride before; as he stares out of the window, admiring the night life of Seoul, he is suddenly reminded of Youngwoon upon spotting a guy - or was it a girl? He couldn’t tell - wearing a cow suit and dancing drunkenly in the streets. He chuckles, and then frowns as he remembers how he wrongfully used his hyung to build up Sungmin’s jealousy and he feels the sudden urge to talk to him. It’s late, though, and it will be even later once home; he doesn’t want to risk waking up the other members sleeping in his same room just to talk to him face to face, so he decides it can wait until next morning.
Despite his decision, however, he slowly slides his hand in his jeans pocket and retrieves his cellphone as carefully as he can, as to not awaken his sleeping boyfriend. The latter stirs slightly: a soft mewl escaping his lips before smacking them once, twice and then a third time quite loudly; seemingly satisfied, he snuggles closer to Kyuhyun, his nose buried in a place the younger boy would never want their manager to witness. He shifts a little and feels Sungmin tightening the grip on his waist, so he lets his free hand fall on top of his head and resorts to playing with blonde strands of silky hair that the boy so much loves messing up during broadcast.
Type.
« Hyung... I’m sorry about this morning. Sorry, ok? »
Send.
Kyuhyun isn’t very good with words, so he writes just that, and he hopes it’s enough for his hyung to understand that he does mean it. It isn’t long before Youngwoon replies and Kyuhyun’s cellphone vibrates first, then it emits a loud melodic jingle. He gives a faint start and scrambles for the phone; he clutches it hard in both hands as to suffocate the sound before Sungmin wakes up, but his attempt fails and the older boy is looking up at him already with sleepy eyes.
“Mmh?” is all the blonde can say, his large brown eyes blinking towards Kyuhyun’s general direction in a feeble attempt to adjust to the darkness. The younger doesn’t say anything, though; he simply places his finger on the other’s mouth to silence him. He doesn’t want to speak about this, not in their manager’s presence at least, so he lets his finger trace the soft curves of Sungmin’s mouth until the latter lets himself slip back into slumber. Then, finally, Kyuhyun slides his cellphone open with a click, already knowing whose text message it was.
« Have you made up with Min? » Kyuhyun smiles, eventually realizing just how precious and forgiving and caring Youngwoon actually is. He spends the last few minutes of the ride rapidly exchanging texts with Youngwoon. His hyung, eager to know all the juicy details, shows very obvious signs of disappointment upon hearing that the two’s reunion was so clean, so chaste; so Kyuhyun suggests that he goes online and looks for some hard rated Kyumin fanfictions to satisfy his perverted needs.
Kyuhyun sighs in relief, his hyung’s playfulness seemingly able to finally relax him completely. As the car halts near a familiar tall building, the sleeping boy is shaken awake; he hisses a little at the thought of having to walk all the way to the elevator and up into their own apartment. The manager drops them off first and tells them to go inside quickly - you never know what rabid fans are capable of - then he drives off to the reserved parking lot.
Once out of the car and up on his feet, though, Kyuhyun’s arms come around Sungmin and lift him up easily, gently, carefully; as if he were made of crystal. Sungmin doesn’t protest, doesn’t see why he should; he doesn’t want to strain the younger boy, but his desire for body contact, for that warmth and reassurance, is still there, and it seems to freeze his mind and devour all his worries. His arms encircle Kyuhyun’s neck and he draws his head closer and closer to the other’s, fully closing the ridiculously short distance that was still separating them.
The doors of the elevator ding open and the younger boy carries Sungmin inside with little effort, so imperceptible that neither seems to notice. They don’t speak; Kyuhyun stares at their reflection in the dirty mirror on the wall of the small cab, wanting to say something but his mouth seems sealed as if he were still sort of afraid of saying the wrong thing. His hyung’s gaze is fixated on the rather big ear currently protruding from under a layer of thick, untamed, dark hair. He seems close to falling asleep again, but then he surprises Kyuhyun: one of his tiny hands forcefully pulls his head down, and just as Sungmin’s lips come in contact with his ear, he whispers; breath hot and tickling skin. “Make love to me. Please.”
And Kyuhyun knows he will do just that as he smiles predatorily at the squirming boy in his arms.
It’s a mere two hours later that Sungmin lays panting and trembling on Kyuhyun’s bed as the latter lets himself fall back on the mattress, next to him, exhausted. Never had sex been so sweet, so loving and yet so full of passion between them. A look of sheer satisfaction graces the older boy’s features, unable to hide his joy. Sungmin doesn’t seem to be disturbed by the absence of the other two usual occupants of the room: Jungsoo’s bed and Ryeowook’s are done, still, and clearly empty. When Kyuhyun noted it as he entered the room to grab his pillow, realization hit him cold, utterly logical: Youngwoon must’ve told them. He knew where they were. Jongwoon was probably currently serving as Ryeowook’s pillow, considering that he himself had been Ryeowook’s pillow ever since he had been granted a bed. And Jungsoo… well, he only knew that Youngwoon would’ve thanked him in the morning, too.
“I love you.”
A weak voice breaks the thin thread that was connecting Kyuhyun’s thoughts, causing him to gasp. As he turns around, he finds himself face to face with the boy who just spoke so softly. Little smiles, like butterflies, alighting on his swollen lips and gone again. Sungmin looks beautiful; his smooth moist skin, pale like ivory, seems to glow in the dark, reflecting the moonlight peering in from the window. Enraptured by this delicate sight, Kyuhyun leans as close as he can get and kisses Sungmin on every bit of skin he can reach.
Sungmin’s face is crossed by a meek expression, totally submitting to the other and adjusting to his rhythms. Never had he heard Kyuhyun pronounce those same words, it had been him only; always, constantly, only him to verbally express his feelings. For a brief instant regret rushes through his mind, but he defiantly resists it and forces himself to fall back into reality. Suddenly Kyuhyun is on him, straddling his waist; a haze of gold, perhaps a mere flash of light, is reflected in his orbs as they bore directly into the older boy’s.
They stay like that, for minutes; simply gazing into each other’s eyes as if they were silently communicating. Kyuhyun is shaking faintly, Sungmin can feel it, but he thinks it’s simply due to the lack of energies. Little does he know that Kyuhyun is tried and anxious; yet his gaze is intense and unyielding: eyes never leaving Sungmin’s, never. His breathing is still irregular and heavy, and once he’s inhaled deeply, Sungmin is invested by words he never had imagined coming his way.
“I love you, Lee Sungmin.”
The smaller boy is paralysed for a nanosecond, his mouth slightly parted; then, he throws his arms up and around Kyuhyun’s body, pulling him down onto him, their bare chests sticking together with perspiration. It’s only moments later that Sungmin lets go, suddenly feeling much lighter and rejoiced; neither of the two seems to want to sleep - or be able to sleep - thus Sungmin heads out of the room first, silently motioning for Kyuhyun to join him in the shower.
Kyuhyun sits up in bed and as he runs his fingers through his damp hair, slicking it back, a bluish light catches his attention. He reaches for its source; identifying it as Sungmin’s cellphone, his gaze falls on its external display, reading: '1 New Message'. Kyuhyun knows he shouldn’t touch anything, but he’s curious and his fingers act faster than his brain.
« You two are such brats~ V^-^V ♡ »
Upon reading what the top of the display indicated - the sender being Sooyoung - Kyuhyun can’t help it; no matter how hard he tries, no matter how innocent those words are, he fails to fight off the surge of possessiveness pervading his senses. Soon he finds himself sneering at the phone as he starts punching in a sincere, heartfelt message in response: « Fuck off. »
He pushes send in distaste and glares one last time at Sungmin’s cellphone threateningly, as if he were daring her to send yet another of her stupid, useless, uncalled for messages. He waits for a moment to make sure she has given up; then, he deletes all evidence and places the phone back on the nightstand. As if nothing ever occurred, he didn't do anything.
Screw changing, he thinks as he stumbles up and off his bed to join the other boy in the shower; I'll do it tomorrow.
And Kyuhyun doesn’t know, or perhaps he ignores, that he’s hurt Sungmin once more.
¹ Lee Kichan, “Mi in” (one of Sungmin’s favourite songs)
² Kyuhyun’s line in SM TOWN “Snow Dream”
Comments: this story contains a lot of little true facts about Super Junior and other unrelated stuff; if you watched the movie “Signs”, you might better understand Donghae. Also, in case you didn’t know, Hyukjae’s PMP is filled with adult videos. Lastly, this story contains a refrence to Katherine Mansfield's writing.
I only like 3/4 of it. I should hire people to find good endings for my stories.
Author: kyuppuccino
Pairing: Sungmin / Kyuhyun (slight Kangin / Kyuhyun)
Rating: R (for cussing and implied sex, but it's a rather clean fanfiction)
Summary: Kyuhyun is jealous, and possessive.
Dedicated to: Maylene; and Katrina for reading it first.
Word-count: 7205 words.
Extra info: unusual pattern, partially timed story.
Comments: at the bottom of the page.
It starts early in the morning, when there’s too much caffeine in your system and little goodwil to drag your feet out of the door and off to work. It’s easy for Youngwoon: no strings, no attachments, no promises; it’s pure lust, or perhaps not even that, because Youngwoon just loves controlling people and what better way is there to have someone at your mercy than making waves of pleasure repeatedly strike their nerves? And although Youngwoon professes his heterosexuality every single day and spreads it to the four winds, just for good measure, he doesn’t hesitate in being open with some of the group members when they ask for attention.
It’s only minutes before his hand slides on Kyuhyun’s bare torso and down into his pyjama, just as Kyuhyun’s moist lips attach to his forehead and eyes and nose and ears. Despite the obviously heated situation and what one might think, the younger boy’s concentration falters; he keeps looking towards the same direction, his mouth is connected to his hyung’s skin, but his eyes are darting to the side, wide and alert. He doesn’t seem to be worried, no, definitely not; he looks at ease and his gaze searches and scans the kitchen’s door, as if he were waiting for something to happen. Or, perhaps, someone to come?
Kyuhyun is actually very careful with his actions. He wants it, this pleasure, and he doesn’t; not once he lets Youngwoon kiss him on the mouth, not even briefly or by accident. It’s not his first time doing this, but it’s his first time doing it with someone else, yet he seems to know very well how it has to be. Morals are morals, and although he might be currently distorting them a little, he still has some presence of mind left to tell what is right and what is wrong. Despite the immense pleasure, despite his determination in starting it first by sitting with his legs on each side of his hyung’s thigh, provoking him and riling him up… despite all this, Kyuhyun feels unclean. Not unsure, just unclean.
If you saw him, you would think differently, but Youngwoon isn’t that careless: he is well aware of the other boy’s intimate relationship with another of their group members, so when he asks the younger boy where Sungmin is, Kyuhyun blatantly lies. He isn’t home, he says, who cares about him anyway. And then his arms are on his hyung’s back again, scratching and digging into the warm flesh, probably leaving a red mark or two. Then, suddenly, Kyuhyun hears someone drop whatever-it-was that he was holding - later he finds it to be only a bottle of milk scented shampoo - and as he manages to catch a quick glimpse of messy blonde hair, a groan dies in his throat.
On one hand Kyuhyun wants to stand up and follow the source of running footsteps, but on the other he is content with the result. In fact, much to Youngwoon’s bewilderment, after the initial emotional reaction has worn off, Kyuhyun doesn’t look as shocked as he should. He’s smirking, now, and his eyes light up like a child’s. Astonished, the oldest pushes him off roughly in a surge of anger, staring down at him as the other boy falls on his ass: his long limbs reduced to an awkward mess, sprawled on the kitchen floor tiles.
“You’re an idiot.” Youngwoon says in a jumble of stuttered syllables, his icy gaze focused on Kyuhyun, eyes directly piercing the younger’s. “I may have no morals, but I would never hurt any of the other members on purpose.”
Kyuhyun is surprised and for a moment he doesn’t react. He simply remains still, with his mouth gaping like a fish out of water, as if to say something at least, but Youngwoon cuts him off before he can even think of an excuse. “Drag me into another of these fucking stunts of yours and it won’t be pretty. Fucking jerk.” He points an accusing finger at the boy on the floor, his eyes still glaring and menacing, then he storms off. Kyuhyun doesn’t move yet, instead he listens, carefully: his hyung’s thumping footsteps echoing through the hallway, heading toward the general direction of the fleeting blonde head’s room, he’s sure.
It seemed like a good idea, yesterday; but not anymore, not now.
06:11 PM - Sungmin realizes that this isn’t what he really wanted, but Lee Sungmin is proud and Lee Sungmin doesn’t apologize when he isn’t wrong, so when Kyuhyun steps into the kitchen and meets his gaze later that day, all he does is scoff and leave the room with his nose high up in the air. Pride is everything to a man. A hyung shouldn’t even be doing the dishes anyway; what are younger members there for? Once he’s out of the other boy’s sight, however, his resolve breaks a little: he sighs as he realizes that Kyuhyun usually dries the dishes with him, but he’s made up his mind already and he won’t go back - he can't let him win this time.
06:24 PM - Kyuhyun slams the cabinet shut after having put away the last few glasses. The sink is a mess and no matter how many times he scrubs and no matter how pruney his fingers are, these plates are definitely ganging up on him and refusing to get cleaned. He stares at them hard, in disbelief, as if his angry gaze could intimidate them. He thinks there’s nothing he can do about it: they will never shine like Sungmin’s freshly washed plates do. As he moves to pile them up, he thinks that perhaps he could ask his hyung to teach him how to do it right, but Cho Kyuhyun is younger, and although surprisingly more mature, he won’t admit defeat, not this time.
06:30 PM - Sungmin’s cellphone vibrates in his pocket, he reaches for it as quickly as he can: he is sure it is Kyuhyun calling him from the other room - it wouldn’t be the first time happening - so he really has a good excuse to pout and snort when he realizes it’s only the alarm clock informing him that an M.net Special on Song Hyegyo in Paris is airing soon. Oh well, better than nothing, he thinks as he shuffles his feet making his way to the living room. Suddenly he finds himself flattened against the door to one of the boys’ rooms as an hyperactive Donghae runs past him with an tin foil funnel atop his head, a water bottle in hand and a frightened look on his face: Sungmin decides the younger boy has watched “Signs” too many times already. As he moves to detach himself from the door, he makes mental note of disposing of said DVD in the trashcan and replacing it with something less dangerous, something like “Aladdin” perhaps. Soon he realizes that he hates the soundtrack with a passion though, so he convinces himself that “The Lion King” is much cuter and for a moment he hates himself as well for thinking of that animation movie first. Old habits die hard.
06:32 PM - Zapping has never been so easy and the programs never so boring; suddenly Kyuhyun catches a glimpse of the Tour Eiffel and he stops on that channel: this monument has always looked so fascinating to him, he even bought a storyroom background of it for his cyworld. But then, Song Hyegyo’s smiling face pops out of nowhere on the screen and he knows she’s scorning him with that smile, so he jeers at her and immediately switches channel, opting for a Jumong rerun. He knew it since the beginning that she’s a talentless actress and she could never beat his Song Il Gook.
06:33 PM - Noises coming from the television catch Sungmin’s attention and before he can yell at whoever is hogging it… he spots him. Kyuhyun is lying on the couch in a wifebeater and a pair of boxers only, his legs spread apart: one dangling off the couch and the other resting on the header. He looks up and their eyes meet for a second until Kyuhyun groans in displeasure and focuses back on the screen. Sungmin stares at him disbelievingly for a moment longer, his brain telling him it’s not worth it, but something else is pressing and insisting that there’s only one way to make up with Kyuhyun. It doesn’t even need words and it works more often than not, but he already decided he won’t let him win. After one last longing glance at Kyuhyun’s legs, Sungmin wishes he were female today as he finds himself walking funnily all the way to Hyukjae’s room, searching for the latter’s PMP for a little assistance.
07:17 PM - Kyuhyun wishes he had a different schedule today; he anxiously thinks of the members living in his own dorm, one by one, and tries to remember what they’ll be doing tonight. All the bigger hyungs and Hyukjae will be busy with M!Countdown and their own radio shows. That would leave Donghae out, but he knows that alien hyung will probably be off to help Ryeowook improve his dancing into the wee hours of the morning. However, he also knows that they’ll waste a good amount of time eating strawberries, only to come back with indigestion and get scolded again. He thinks of the boys in the other dorm and Siwonie hyung, but none of them ever goes on radio and asking Heechul hyung for a favour would be the same as condemning himself to a few months of sacrifices. He sighs and lets his head flop down on the couch cushion, hoping that it will come to life and swallow him whole like a giant dionaea.
08 PM - Sungmin nonchalantly walks back to the living room; only to find Kyuhyun asleep on the couch, but in a more prude position this time and he thanks the Heavens for being on his side for once. He looks at the board with their schedule on the wall and nearly gets a heart attack at the realization, his legs wanting to give out and his lungs protesting for air: « 070809 CBJC Radio - DJ: Sungmin; GUEST: Kyuhyun (PART 1 - viewable radio) » Sungmin shakes his head, rubs his eyes and considers running a finger over the outline of Kyuhyun’s name to cancel the evidence, but the manager hyungs aren’t stupid and he’s sure they will immediately catch on. Lee Sungmin can’t escape now, but he runs to his room anyway.
08:28 PM - The older boy moans and purrs as Kyuhyun runs his hands under his hot pink POLHAM shirt and his fingertips do wonders once they reach higher up. He lets those same hands tug his shirt up and off. Kyuhyun’s mouth doesn’t waste time and his lips immediately attach to a nearly invisible collarbone and they suck and bite leaving marks of ownership. Then he’s kissing him; Kyuhyun’s lips are gentle at first, the kiss is chaste and pure unlike their earlier actions, but soon it becomes more forceful, tongues meeting and rolling and curling for dominance. Kyuhyun can’t breathe, it feels as if he ran out of oxygen, so he pulls away, but he still can’t breathe and Sungmin is smiling and subtly smirking as Kyuhyun stumbles in his steps, his arms at his throat as if he could tear it open to try and breathe and then a sharp pain runs through his body.
08:28 PM - It won’t be long before manager Minsung comes to fetch the boys for schedule; Sungmin sighs in defeat, grabs his things and heads for a shower. Once out of his room, soft gasping sounds followed by a pleasure filled whimper reach his ears, catching his attention. Taking a few more steps towards the source of such noises, his eyes are greeted by the sight of Kyuhyun writhing on the couch: eyes shut tight and harsh moans coming out of his full lips. Sungmin’s stomach is twisting and knotting and suddenly he can’t take it anymore, so he grabs the nearest pillow and presses it on Kyuhyun’s face, completely covering it in hope to shut him up, to block the sounds. The younger boy flails his arms and brings them at his own neck and then he starts convulsing on the couch. Only then the offender smiles in victory and scampers off to the bathroom just as Kyuhyun falls to the floor with a yelp and a loud thud. That shall teach you to moan dreaming about other people, the older boy thinks, knowing he’s right; once in the bathroom he gets rid of all his clothes and steps under the spray of water, letting it wash away his tears.
09:41 PM - Kyuhyun is sitting in the backseat, his arms folded over his chest and a look full of spite on his face. His eyes closed to mere slits, burning holes in the back of Sungmin’s head. Waking up with his ass on the floor and a pillow in his mouth hadn’t been pleasant and it didn’t take him long to put two and two together and figure out what had happened. He knows that Sungmin knows that he knows and then he thinks that knowing too much gives him a headache, so he stops thinking and proceeds to count the number of fingers he could break on Sungmin’s hands without compromising schedule. However, that could get him kicked out of the dorm instead, perhaps even out of the group and he really doesn’t want to be remembered as the transitory member of Super Junior with no discipline at all. Oh no.
10:30 PM - Sungmin thinks that hypocrisy has never been so bittersweet and so cruel too. Kyuhyun is smart and not once does he let anyone understand what is actually going on between them. The staff, Sooyoung, the viewers, the listeners… no one but the manager knows. The boy keeps smiling and cracking jokes, if he so much dared to subtly insult Sungmin or make fun of him in quite the ironic way, no one would notice the truth lying behind his pungent words. That’s exactly how bratty he’d always been on CBJC Radio with Youngwoon hyung and he really enjoys how this power of his is coming in handy today. Sungmin, on the other hand, feels uneasy: Kyuhyun’s voice, his smile, the sound of his melodic laughter, the way his eyes grow bigger in size for a split second as he sings, the way they shine brightly, how his tongue rolls as he sings bits of his most favourite Disney song… everything is driving him nuts. No matter how angry the older boy is, this just isn’t helping him keep his cool.
00:26 AM - It’s awkward; thousands of thoughts are running through Kyuhyun’s mind and he just lets them, as he is unable to grasp just one and concentrate on it. Sooyoung’s dorm is on the way to their own, so they give her a ride, as usual. Kyuhyun doesn’t mind, as long as he’s there to control the situation, and as they have schedule early in the morning tomorrow, taking a nap in the car sounds like a good plan. As soon as his head comes into contact with the window, however, he knows he won’t be able to sleep. Eventually, those thousands of thoughts become a single, confused one and the words SUNGMIN • THIGH • PILLOW are all he can make out before he decides - no, he actually admits - that he really misses his hyung.
00:34 AM - It’s ridiculous; Sungmin stares out of the car window trying to ignore his surroundings, because radio left him with a feeling of bitterness tonight and he just can’t manage to get rid of it now. It’s dark outside, save for the rare, few street-lamps that try their best to bless him with the view of Kyuhyun’s reflection in the fibreglass window. He isn’t looking towards his direction, but he’s biting nervously on his lip and there’s a frown fixated on his face. Sungmin closes his eyes tight and attempts to dispel that image before he loses even the last bit of self-control he has. However, just as he tells himself that he’s strong and he can do it, his iPod backstabs him and begins to play his favourite song: each word, each line in the lyrics is like a needle going in and out of the heart beating angrily in his chest and tears run freely down his cheeks, uncaring of the makeup.
00:35 AM - Although it’s summer and the weather is hot and humid and disgusting enough to cause people to suffer from the heat, Kyuhyun feels cold. The car window does nothing to make him feel any better, so he shifts position and he does everything with his eyes closed as to not have to meet Sungmin’s gaze, even by accident. He slumps in his seat a little and draws his legs closer to his chest, only to rest a cheek on his knees: it’s uncomfortable and his balance is precarious, but as much as he’s dying on the inside for physical contact, he knows Sungmin is furious and he would only get pushed away if he touched him. Right now, he doesn’t think he could take rejection, not when he really wants the other to hold him, to love him. Regret has gradually started to consume him and he can’t seem to be able to find a way to escape, because it was solely his fault since the beginning.
00:36 AM - “This must be all I dream, when I wake up you'll be back. I try to reassure my broken heart but you're walking further away. I feel sorry for myself as I cry watching you leave.” The song plays monotonously and as each second passes Sungmin’s defences break, leaving him with cravings he really doesn’t want to admit to himself. He hears movement to his left, he can feel the younger boy shifting position and he snaps his eyes open, in hope to catch his gaze through the reflection in the glass, even by accident, but he knows Kyuhyun is angry and he will only get ignored. Right now, he doesn’t think he can take rejection, not when he really wants the other to hold him, to love him. Closing his eyes once again, he blindly presses his fingers to his tear-stricken cheeks and rubs them gently just as the song draws to an end, “If you really loved... if you loved me, turn around once even if it's while you leave.”¹
00:40 AM - Sleeping is something Kyuhyun just can’t do when his heart aches so much; the thought of how sweet and comfortable and carefree Sungmin’s voice sounded once Kyuhyun’s guest appearance was no longer needed is tormenting him. The sad look on his face was no longer there, his eyes bright and concentrated on doing well, on not disappointing the fans and the staff, on trying to be as good as Youngwoon hyung, or perhaps even better. He misses Sungmin; he misses him the most now, knowing the older boy is sitting only a few centimetres away from him, but he can’t look at him, can’t talk to him, can’t touch him without fearing denial. Kyuhyun wonders if the loud noise of his heart shattering into numerous tiny pieces could be heard by the people surrounding him too.
00:51 AM - The car comes to a stop opposite to a dark building and Sungmin takes out an earphone for a second as his manager informs him that he’ll be escorting Sooyoung to her dorm and will be back soon. For a moment, the boy wonders why Minsung hyung insists on telling him each night, even after nearly two months of radio activities, but soon he loses interest in the thought and lets it go unanswered. Not even a second passes before Sungmin is pressing the earphone back in place, just in time for BlACKBeat to finish singing “Don’t Tell Me” and for the next track to start playing, whichever it may be.
00:52 AM - Kyuhyun doesn’t see, but he feels the car halting. He listens to his manager tell them where he's going and still pretends to be sleeping just to avoid saying his goodbyes to Sooyoung and letting Sungmin know he is awake. The streets are empty, or so he thinks, because he can’t hear a single sound. Deep down he hopes Sungmin is looking at him, but he’s very aware of it being mere wishful thinking. Despite his wish, soon his eyelids start twitching a little and, although almost imperceptible, he’s afraid of being unable to keep them closed under Sungmin’s possible stare, thus he finds himself praying for his hyung to be ignoring him instead. Cho Kyuhyun, you’re a big mess. Make up your mind.
00:55 AM - A newfound hatred for his iPod and any other mp3 playing device possesses Sungmin’s heart; he forces himself to press forward and stop listening to this because he has his nerves on edge, but the song is faster than his will and soon Kyuhyun’s voice can be heard and Sungmin knows that this time they have really fucked up. Both of them. No matter what. He doesn’t press forward, but he presses pause: Kyuhyun’s words replay in his head like a rigmarole, a lullaby. “Take my hand...take my hand...take my hand...”² - they tease him and they seem to tell him what Kyuhyun can’t voice out, can’t do, or at least he wants to believe that it is the case.
00:57 AM - The younger boy hears it, the familiar soft click of an iPod button being pressed. Kyuhyun doesn’t know why, but he’s scared; he’s scared of being alone with Sungmin in such silence and darkness and although his eyes are closed already, he shuts them even tighter until they hurt. The car’s door opens abruptly, and a feeling of reassurance pervades Kyuhyun’s senses, but then he realizes the sound came from the wrong direction, not what he was expecting. And then there’s shifting on his side he opens his eyes wide only to catch a blurred glimpse of Sungmin’s legs and fingers before he slams the door shut once again.
01:00 AM - A cool night breeze catches Sungmin by surprise as he leans against the car, but it’s refreshing and it makes him feel alive, so he welcomes it with a half smile. He looks around: the streets are deserted and for a moment he’s really envious of the people who live close by, because peace and quiet is something he’s been lacking and missing ever since Super Junior was formed. He really misses being a trainee sometimes. He abandons himself to this feeling of freedom and suddenly feels more relaxed, he can feel his nerves finally loosen up a bit. The cool wind ruffles his short blonde hair and tickles his rosy tinted cheeks; he inhales deeply and closes his eyes just as the door on the other side slides open.
01:02 AM - It isn’t long before the younger boy gives in to his instinct, something is telling him that he has to do it, that Sungmin leaving him alone in the car was actually a hint, an open invitation and Kyuhyun finds that he really can’t resist. Dragging his feet, he too leans against the car, right next to the older boy, but not a word is uttered. He can hear the feeble ticking sound of Sungmin’s multicoloured watch as the seconds go by. One… two… three… four… five… s- and then Sungmin is kissing him. Kyuhyun slumps a little, allowing the much shorter boy to feel more comfortable in this position; his hands are on each side of him, trapping him between his arms, pinning him against the car, yet he isn’t touching him, not yet. Kyuhyun is shocked at first; he was expecting to argue and hear him scream and cry and eventually they would have talked things out. If Sungmin wanted to hit him and hurt him in any way, he was ready to take it all - if that meant being forgiven and loved again - but Sungmin’s mouth is insistent and soon his tongue is granted access as they both get lost in a desperate, needy kiss and become as one.
01:05 AM - Sungmin moans into the kiss, a familiar sensation burning in the pit of his stomach, his eyes stinging with tears of frustration and happiness mingled together just as Kyuhyun’s hand grabs his and he intertwines their fingers - “Take my hand…” And while Kyuhyun is unsure of what to do with his free hand, Sungmin’s is insatiable and obstinate: it cups the other boy’s face, it tugs at his dark hair painfully hard, and runs its fingers through it; then, it wraps around his neck and pulls his head closer in a breathtaking kiss and, eventually, it slides down, nails scratching across the younger boy’s back through the material of his shirt, eliciting soft gasps and whimpers from the latter as those curious fingers explore and trace teasing patterns.
01:09 AM - Kyuhyun loves kissing; he loves it when he can feel all of the other boy, he loves losing control and making him lose control, he loves it when the tongues battle gets so good and is so passionate that both their legs threaten to give out. Kyuhyun can feel the love and affection through the kiss and he hopes Sungmin can feel it too. Suddenly, however, thoughts of their argument that day begin to torment him: the screams, the shoves, the tears and the anger. He is well aware of what he did; he knows it’s his entire fault and that he should be more accepting, more open and have more faith to make this work. Although it looks like his hyung has forgiven him, Kyuhyun feels like he doesn’t deserve such kindness, he doesn’t deserve Sungmin’s love. He simply doesn’t deserve someone as good as Lee Sungmin.
01:13 AM - Despite being lost in an open mouthed kiss, Sungmin can’t help but sense Kyuhyun’s uneasiness; the younger boy becomes less and less responsive, and Sungmin knows exactly why, but fails to relent. He thinks Kyuhyun tastes nothing like those clichés in the fanfictions he read on the internet: it’s not vanilla, it’s not cherries and it damn well isn’t candy; if he has to be completely honest it isn’t even as pleasant as anyone would wish for, because Kyuhyun tastes sour and salty and it pretty much reminds him of the dinner they just had moments before, but Sungmin is addicted to it already and he doesn’t want to let go. Not ever.
01:18 AM - Slowly, gradually, Kyuhyun begins to push the reluctant older boy away, interrupting a kiss that lasted for minutes and he immediately realizes that they had not been sharing such a sincere and honest kiss in months. His free hand grabs onto Sungmin’s, prying it away from his waist just as it was making its way under his shirt to feel the smooth skin beneath. Kyuhyun feels guilty, he is guilty and he knows the shorter boy can feel it too: he can see it in his eyes as they stare into each other’s. Kyuhyun’s pleading, glistening dark orbs say more than the words he’s trying to grasp ever could, but he can’t look into Sungmin’s eyes for long yet, he doesn’t want to see all the pain he caused him, so he lets go of both his hands and pulls his body close to his chest.
01:21 AM - Silence envelopes them for a moment: Sungmin lets his head rest on Kyuhyun’s chest, feeling his every heartbeat and trying to match it with his, as if he could control it. He tries hard; he tries to hold his breath, he presses himself harder against the younger boy’s body, he wants to be part of him and he wants to be sure he isn’t imagining all this. His arms wrap around Kyuhyun’s waist; it’s small, it’s thin, and it’s tiny and Sungmin can’t help but think of the accident again, the weight loss and all of its consequences; despite such thoughts, though, his arms squeeze the younger boy’s body as if to prove him that he’s still there, with him, and he wishes it could be forever.
01:22 AM - Kyuhyun groans at the pressure the other boy’s arms apply to his waist, but it’s not pain, it’s the knot in his throat that threatens to make him cry. He buries his nose in Sungmin’s soft, blonde hair and inhales deeply, welcoming the scent of a sickeningly sweet shampoo that quickly spoils his nostrils. While one of his hands is firmly holding onto Sungmin’s back as if to keep him in place, to prevent an unexpected retreat, the other cradles the boy’s head, smoothing the hair on its back and tugging at it lightly. He sighs in contentment upon hearing the other purring softly and he begins to feel relaxed enough to finally speak his guilt.
“I…”
Breathe, now. Breathe.
“I’m sorry.”
I know.
“I can’t even find the right words…”
I can read them in your eyes though.
“Sungmin…”
Say it again.
“Lee Sungmin…”
Again, say it again. Again, again, again.
“I don’t deserve you.”
NO! Don’t leave. Nononon-
“But…”
…
“I have come to depend on you.”
I can’t breathe without you.
“I will learn.”
Your heartbeat…
“I will be more confident and I will have more faith.”
I just wish you would trust me.
“I know you would never hurt me, but…I don’t trust the…others, you know.”
They are work. She-is-work.
“When I see other people talking to you or touching you…”
Work. Work. Work.
“I can’t take it. I want to make you mine and claim you and kiss you in front of everyone and make you jealous so that you will desire me more. I want to tell them I love you and show them that you’re mine and no one else can have you. Keeping my feelings to myself, hiding from everyone, and living in a lie…I don’t know how to do it.”
I’ll teach you. Don’t give up. Not now.
“I know I was wrong and I’ll be forever sorry, but now I can see it with a different mindset…I think…”
I love you. Iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou.
“…I think I just needed reassurance.”
Can’t you see how much I care?
It’s silent all over again, save for Sungmin’s soft humming into Kyuhyun’s chest. They stay as they are; each lost in his own thoughts, uncaring of who might pass by and see them at such unmistakably intimate proximity. Right now, they are all that matters; the intense bond they share, the beating of their hearts so close together, their love is all that matters.
Deep inside Sungmin knows this isn’t the end to the pain they will consciously - or not? - inflict upon one another, but he would much rather consider it a new beginning for now. Love is never easy, but he knows this is what he wants. He knows that the younger boy’s jealousy and possessiveness will be persistent, he knows it damn well; he won’t give up though, because he is thoroughly convinced that if the good memories outnumber the bad ones then it will be all worth it; the pain and grief and sufferance will be worth it. Their hands will hold onto each other for as long as God will let them.
On the other end of the street, sitting uncomfortably on the pavement in an attempt to hide behind a broken bench, are manager Minsung and Sooyoung. With a few whispered words, the manager ushers the weeping girl towards a tall building and into the elevator. Not even a minute later, he’s walking back to the car and stops next to the couple leaning idly against it. He can’t say anything, this is none of his business; although he’s aware of the fact that many people would disapprove of this relationship, he tells himself that all he cares about is the boys’ happiness after all. And right now he can sense sheer happiness radiating off of their bodies. Abandoning his not-so-very ethical thoughts, he clears his throat softly before speaking and he manages to regain some of his composure, “shall-mmh… ready to go?”
The older boy reluctantly disentangles himself from Kyuhyun’s arms as the latter presses his lips atop his head and gives him one last loving kiss. The car’s door opens enough for Sungmin to climb back in, his body feeling suddenly numb and worn out, crushed by all of today’s emotions. Kyuhyun finds himself facing his manager; he feels unsure of what to do, so he just gives him an apologetic smile and a little bow before joining Sungmin. He doesn’t know exactly why he did it, he isn’t even sure the manager understands, or approves, but that’s the last worry on his mind for today.
The ride back home is quiet; Sungmin quickly falls asleep with his head on the younger’s thigh; a serene smile is gracing his pouty lips and his lithe figure is curled up on the backseat, an arm draped around the other’s waist. As the manager opts for being a silent presence in the car, Kyuhyun is left dealing with his own thoughts once again, clearly unable to stop thinking and fall asleep himself. Memories of their surreal morning still haunting him, hammering away in his brain and making him feel uncomfortable.
It takes about twenty minutes to reach Super Junior’s dorm from Sooyoung’s, Kyuhyun timed the ride before; as he stares out of the window, admiring the night life of Seoul, he is suddenly reminded of Youngwoon upon spotting a guy - or was it a girl? He couldn’t tell - wearing a cow suit and dancing drunkenly in the streets. He chuckles, and then frowns as he remembers how he wrongfully used his hyung to build up Sungmin’s jealousy and he feels the sudden urge to talk to him. It’s late, though, and it will be even later once home; he doesn’t want to risk waking up the other members sleeping in his same room just to talk to him face to face, so he decides it can wait until next morning.
Despite his decision, however, he slowly slides his hand in his jeans pocket and retrieves his cellphone as carefully as he can, as to not awaken his sleeping boyfriend. The latter stirs slightly: a soft mewl escaping his lips before smacking them once, twice and then a third time quite loudly; seemingly satisfied, he snuggles closer to Kyuhyun, his nose buried in a place the younger boy would never want their manager to witness. He shifts a little and feels Sungmin tightening the grip on his waist, so he lets his free hand fall on top of his head and resorts to playing with blonde strands of silky hair that the boy so much loves messing up during broadcast.
Type.
« Hyung... I’m sorry about this morning. Sorry, ok? »
Send.
Kyuhyun isn’t very good with words, so he writes just that, and he hopes it’s enough for his hyung to understand that he does mean it. It isn’t long before Youngwoon replies and Kyuhyun’s cellphone vibrates first, then it emits a loud melodic jingle. He gives a faint start and scrambles for the phone; he clutches it hard in both hands as to suffocate the sound before Sungmin wakes up, but his attempt fails and the older boy is looking up at him already with sleepy eyes.
“Mmh?” is all the blonde can say, his large brown eyes blinking towards Kyuhyun’s general direction in a feeble attempt to adjust to the darkness. The younger doesn’t say anything, though; he simply places his finger on the other’s mouth to silence him. He doesn’t want to speak about this, not in their manager’s presence at least, so he lets his finger trace the soft curves of Sungmin’s mouth until the latter lets himself slip back into slumber. Then, finally, Kyuhyun slides his cellphone open with a click, already knowing whose text message it was.
« Have you made up with Min? » Kyuhyun smiles, eventually realizing just how precious and forgiving and caring Youngwoon actually is. He spends the last few minutes of the ride rapidly exchanging texts with Youngwoon. His hyung, eager to know all the juicy details, shows very obvious signs of disappointment upon hearing that the two’s reunion was so clean, so chaste; so Kyuhyun suggests that he goes online and looks for some hard rated Kyumin fanfictions to satisfy his perverted needs.
Kyuhyun sighs in relief, his hyung’s playfulness seemingly able to finally relax him completely. As the car halts near a familiar tall building, the sleeping boy is shaken awake; he hisses a little at the thought of having to walk all the way to the elevator and up into their own apartment. The manager drops them off first and tells them to go inside quickly - you never know what rabid fans are capable of - then he drives off to the reserved parking lot.
Once out of the car and up on his feet, though, Kyuhyun’s arms come around Sungmin and lift him up easily, gently, carefully; as if he were made of crystal. Sungmin doesn’t protest, doesn’t see why he should; he doesn’t want to strain the younger boy, but his desire for body contact, for that warmth and reassurance, is still there, and it seems to freeze his mind and devour all his worries. His arms encircle Kyuhyun’s neck and he draws his head closer and closer to the other’s, fully closing the ridiculously short distance that was still separating them.
The doors of the elevator ding open and the younger boy carries Sungmin inside with little effort, so imperceptible that neither seems to notice. They don’t speak; Kyuhyun stares at their reflection in the dirty mirror on the wall of the small cab, wanting to say something but his mouth seems sealed as if he were still sort of afraid of saying the wrong thing. His hyung’s gaze is fixated on the rather big ear currently protruding from under a layer of thick, untamed, dark hair. He seems close to falling asleep again, but then he surprises Kyuhyun: one of his tiny hands forcefully pulls his head down, and just as Sungmin’s lips come in contact with his ear, he whispers; breath hot and tickling skin. “Make love to me. Please.”
And Kyuhyun knows he will do just that as he smiles predatorily at the squirming boy in his arms.
It’s a mere two hours later that Sungmin lays panting and trembling on Kyuhyun’s bed as the latter lets himself fall back on the mattress, next to him, exhausted. Never had sex been so sweet, so loving and yet so full of passion between them. A look of sheer satisfaction graces the older boy’s features, unable to hide his joy. Sungmin doesn’t seem to be disturbed by the absence of the other two usual occupants of the room: Jungsoo’s bed and Ryeowook’s are done, still, and clearly empty. When Kyuhyun noted it as he entered the room to grab his pillow, realization hit him cold, utterly logical: Youngwoon must’ve told them. He knew where they were. Jongwoon was probably currently serving as Ryeowook’s pillow, considering that he himself had been Ryeowook’s pillow ever since he had been granted a bed. And Jungsoo… well, he only knew that Youngwoon would’ve thanked him in the morning, too.
“I love you.”
A weak voice breaks the thin thread that was connecting Kyuhyun’s thoughts, causing him to gasp. As he turns around, he finds himself face to face with the boy who just spoke so softly. Little smiles, like butterflies, alighting on his swollen lips and gone again. Sungmin looks beautiful; his smooth moist skin, pale like ivory, seems to glow in the dark, reflecting the moonlight peering in from the window. Enraptured by this delicate sight, Kyuhyun leans as close as he can get and kisses Sungmin on every bit of skin he can reach.
Sungmin’s face is crossed by a meek expression, totally submitting to the other and adjusting to his rhythms. Never had he heard Kyuhyun pronounce those same words, it had been him only; always, constantly, only him to verbally express his feelings. For a brief instant regret rushes through his mind, but he defiantly resists it and forces himself to fall back into reality. Suddenly Kyuhyun is on him, straddling his waist; a haze of gold, perhaps a mere flash of light, is reflected in his orbs as they bore directly into the older boy’s.
They stay like that, for minutes; simply gazing into each other’s eyes as if they were silently communicating. Kyuhyun is shaking faintly, Sungmin can feel it, but he thinks it’s simply due to the lack of energies. Little does he know that Kyuhyun is tried and anxious; yet his gaze is intense and unyielding: eyes never leaving Sungmin’s, never. His breathing is still irregular and heavy, and once he’s inhaled deeply, Sungmin is invested by words he never had imagined coming his way.
“I love you, Lee Sungmin.”
The smaller boy is paralysed for a nanosecond, his mouth slightly parted; then, he throws his arms up and around Kyuhyun’s body, pulling him down onto him, their bare chests sticking together with perspiration. It’s only moments later that Sungmin lets go, suddenly feeling much lighter and rejoiced; neither of the two seems to want to sleep - or be able to sleep - thus Sungmin heads out of the room first, silently motioning for Kyuhyun to join him in the shower.
Kyuhyun sits up in bed and as he runs his fingers through his damp hair, slicking it back, a bluish light catches his attention. He reaches for its source; identifying it as Sungmin’s cellphone, his gaze falls on its external display, reading: '1 New Message'. Kyuhyun knows he shouldn’t touch anything, but he’s curious and his fingers act faster than his brain.
« You two are such brats~ V^-^V ♡ »
Upon reading what the top of the display indicated - the sender being Sooyoung - Kyuhyun can’t help it; no matter how hard he tries, no matter how innocent those words are, he fails to fight off the surge of possessiveness pervading his senses. Soon he finds himself sneering at the phone as he starts punching in a sincere, heartfelt message in response: « Fuck off. »
He pushes send in distaste and glares one last time at Sungmin’s cellphone threateningly, as if he were daring her to send yet another of her stupid, useless, uncalled for messages. He waits for a moment to make sure she has given up; then, he deletes all evidence and places the phone back on the nightstand. As if nothing ever occurred, he didn't do anything.
Screw changing, he thinks as he stumbles up and off his bed to join the other boy in the shower; I'll do it tomorrow.
And Kyuhyun doesn’t know, or perhaps he ignores, that he’s hurt Sungmin once more.
¹ Lee Kichan, “Mi in” (one of Sungmin’s favourite songs)
² Kyuhyun’s line in SM TOWN “Snow Dream”
Comments: this story contains a lot of little true facts about Super Junior and other unrelated stuff; if you watched the movie “Signs”, you might better understand Donghae. Also, in case you didn’t know, Hyukjae’s PMP is filled with adult videos. Lastly, this story contains a refrence to Katherine Mansfield's writing.
I only like 3/4 of it. I should hire people to find good endings for my stories.