Negative!

[aadroma]

It never fails. Even though I've not done anything particularly risky when I get my six-month STD test, my heart starts to race and I become filled with worry, thinking that there might have been a chance here or there, even if it's logically impossible

Comments

[muckefuck]

It's really good of you to keep on schedule like that. I fell out of the habit when I fell in with monshu and should probably pick it up again.

[philbutrin]

i think yours is a pretty common reaction to testing.

one of the most joyous moments i can remember was when i got the results from my first HIV test in 1987. i hadn't done anything risky -- i'd had sex with a total of 2 guys at that point, one of whom had been 3 years previously -- but there was still so much unknown about it, that i was convinced i must have it.

results took 2 weeks back then, and i wasn't out to anyone, so i had no one to share my anxiety with. it was my senior year of college, and i ended up dropping a class during that time because i was unable to concentrate on anything.

in the end, the result came back negative, and i can still remember stepping out of the clinic into the parking lot and feeling like 10,000 tons had been lifted off my shoulders, and everything in the world seemed bright and beautiful.

[toppercub]

Here's what I can remember from a friend who wrote about his HIV status:
---
I know guys who think that if they top they can still bb and not get HIV.
I know guys who think they can bb and not get HIV if no one ejaculates inside.
I know guys who think that bb hetero sex is entirely safe.
I know guys who think that bb sex is okay so long as they quiz the other guy on his previous activities.
I know guys who bb and think they care about their own health and the health of others.
I know guys that bb and do not care about themselves or anyone else.
I know guys who are honest and guys who aren't.
And now they want to put their dick in my body.
---
Actually, Reg, I consider the worry of testing to be the reminder that I have in my life done risky things or had accidents. Luckily, I have dodged all bullets. It's good to keep up on your own status and continue to protect yourself to stay neg. *hug*

[paulintoronto]

I suspect that many gay men have a similar experience. I'm not saying that either of these is the case with you, but two things sometimes come into play, I think:

Magical thinking. To be confident about one's health when so many others are ill or infected can be felt to be a kind of hubris, which would lead to one's downfall. In other words, worrying is a protective activity; if I'm overconfident, I'll be punished, so I need to worry.

Shame. In a homophobic world, it is hard to completely escape from the negative messages about homosexuality, so many of us experience interalized self-oppression. We worry about STIs and HIV not just because of the realities, but also because on some level, we expect them as punishment for being gay.

[kj]

Unrelated: Someone this weekend in Tucson said that "Roger would go crazy over [me]". I laughed.

[aadroma]

Because it's true? ^_-