RP LOG | With livesonlipgloss
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Rachel really needed to stop shopping on an empty stomach. She looked down in her cart, and groaned. Less than half the things were healthy, and the unhealthy side she was willing to start eating right now. Point her in the direction of a microwave and she would have happily started eating the frozen burrito she'd thrown in there. She didn't even like them, just her rumbling stomach apparently liked the idea of one. She sighed, and gave up as she reached down to take out a chocolate bar. It wasn't stealing when she was still going to pay for it, right? She was very careful not to destroy the wrapper in her haste to eat, her eyes rolling back into her skull as she moaned at the combination of chocolate and gooey caramel.
She hadn't eaten since breakfast. Anything was probably going to taste good to her by this stage, but the chocolate tasted really good. She rounded the corner into the toiletries aisle, slowly making her way down it as she continued to chew on the heavenly chocolate bar. She smirked as she saw a guy standing cluesless in front of the pads and tampons, her eyes not so much on his face as the way he was standing, and the excellent ass.
Rachel blinked before she frowned a little. The ass was a little famililar. So was the partial Chinese character poking out from under the sleeve of the t-shirt he was wearing. No, it couldn't be. Rachel froze, not daring to look up for a long moment in case it was true. She had no idea what she would even say to him! Last time she saw Mike he was having that lunch date with the gorgeous blonde. He hadn't seen Rachel, and she wasn't about to walk up and interrupt it. So what if he was back and hadn't tried to contact her? They were exes, it wasn't what exes did...
Were exes even supposed to talk in the supermarket? Did she just walk right past without acknowlegding him? She realised too late that she'd been standing there and staring for far too long, and squeaked as she looked up to find him looking at her. Her cheeks were stuffed full of chocolate, and all she could do was raise her hand in a small wave while trying to chew quickly before he started talking to her. If he started talking to her.
God, she wanted a drink.
Mike hadn't actually realised it was her at first. In fact, it probably looked like he was staring at her, when he was more just staring off into space trying to wrap his head around the grocery shopping. He had pushed the empty cart around the store no less than three times and still hadn't put anything into it. He had no idea why the hell he was even standing in front of the women's... personal thingos shelves. It just seemed to stick in his head that Leila was pregnant, so she would probably need them. Actually, it was condoms that brought him to this aisle. Why the fuck he figured she needed them was beyond him, but he was male and he had no other excuse but that to explain it. He had ended up in the supermarket grocery shopping because Leila's cousins had shown up to keep her company for a little while. Mike met them briefly, but he quickly opted for making himself scarce so he didn't get in the way. Leila was barely keeping it together, so she needed her family. She was probably feeling like she needed to hold herself around Mike because he was a stranger. If he excused himself, she could break in front of her cousins without worrying. It was apparently the taller of the two guys, the paramedic, who was due to get married on the weekend. How a wedding could happily be pulled off in the circumstances was beyond Mike. But then, all he could feel was this heavy, aching weight that Rob was still missing, a week after the news broke and he was probably dead.
It was that thought that had Mike frozen in the personal things aisle, staring into space as he struggled to wrap his head around the fact Rob might be dead. But when he noticed someone waving at him, he blinked, pulling out his daze and realising with a sobering jolt that it was Rachel.
His ex.
He went to say something, but no words came out. In fact, he wasn't sure he could deal with this right now, but she was standing there and they had acknowledged each other, even if it was wordlessly. He swallowed and cleared his throat. "Hi," he got out, his voice a little scratchy as he continued to stand there awkwardly, frozen on the spot.
"Hi," Rachel responded after finally swallowing her mouthful. She rasied her hand tentatively to wipe at her mouth, not sure if it was covered in chocolate. She raised her eyebrows a little as she searched for something else to say, the awkwardness palpable. She wanted to kick herself for trying to make contact. Why the fuck would he want to talk to her? She glanced at the shelf he was standing near, and pulled her mouth to the side. "Shopping for your girlfriend?"
That was probably the last thing Mike expected to come out of her mouth. So much so that he wasn't sure he heard her right at first. He looked at the shelf where her eyes turned, finding the array of colourful packets with cheesy catchphrases about things Mike didn't particularly want to think about right then. Plus, what if Rob got the shits that Mike was shopping for something that should really be a husbandly thing? "What girlfriend?" he found falling out of his mouth stupidly. The only thing was, he realised once the words passed his lips, there was no way of catching them and shoving them back where they came from. So, even more stupidly, he tried to save face with, "What do you care?"
Rachel could feel her cheeks start to heat up as her heart skipped a beat. He didn't have a girlfriend! She was practically doing a happy dance on the inside. Then the next owrks tumbled out of his mouth as she felt like she'd been stuck under a freezing cold shower. "I--what? Of course I care! I just... there was the blonde you were having lunch with, and I thought--I mean, she's beautiful! And tall, and probably has legs that go for days, and can even look gorgeous with glasses, and..." She really did turn scarlet now, and even she'd had a make up kit on her she wasn't sure she'd be able to hide it. "Just wasn't sure how long you'd been back for. Not like you had any reason to let me know... Are you... are you okay?"
Mike pressed his lips together momentarily, trying to keep his emotions in check. "Yeah, she's beautiful," he agreed. "She's also married to one of my closest and oldest pals. Her legs aren't something I was actually taking notice of when I was taking her for lunch because her husband has just been shipped out to Afghanistan," he added pointedly. "I've only been back a week, and I've been with her most of the time. Her husband... he's... gone. Missing." He stumbled over the words, the notion becoming harder and harder for him to wrap his head around.
Rachel wanted the ground to open up and swallow her, or at least for some crazy old lady with another cart to just come alone and knock her out. She let out a slow breath, her foot kicking the back of her leg roughly. She hated the way everything coming out her mouth was just wrong. When she'd met him the first time she'd been sexy, flirty, and had the golden tongue. Now it was like she'd lost all ability to think before she spoke, and she just had to make herself look like an idiot.
She stepped out from around the cart despite the butterflies in her stomach, and the voice in her head screaming at her not to do it. Rachel moved up beside him, and rest her hand lightly on his arm. "Are you okay?" she asked again, her voice quiet as she looked up at him with concern.
Mike was looking at her uncertainly. There was a lot of old water under their bridge, pretty much all his fault. Eight months might not sound like a long time, but it had felt like a lifetime for him. He didn't answer at first, instead just shaking his head slowly. Words kept trying to fail him. He didn't want to face that Rob could be dead, and still missing. It would come like a double blow to Leila. Not only would her husband be gone, but she would have no body returned to her for any sort of closure. She would always be wondering if he might one day come back to her. "Rob's a soldier," he explained hoarsely. "Frontline.... sniper," he told her, dropping his voice so no one passing would hear. "He was in the infirmary a few days before I terminated over there and we caught up, he told me about his new wife, and despite everything, just having her was keeping him going. We trained together, both naive teenagers when we entered. He's been missing for a week. Only a matter of time before his status changes from MIA to presumed dead." He had no idea why he was pouring all this out to her in the middle of the supermarket. She was familiar, and he had been alone for so long. It came easy. He dropped his head, looking down at his feet as he bit down on his lower lip. Any more, and he was going to break down. He could feel that gnawing feeling in his heart.
Rachel sucked in a breath, too much of what he was saying things she'd thought about herself. Only Mike would be the missing soldier, and she wasn't exactly his wife. She moved her hand up, rubbing it against his shoulder in comfort. She so badly wanted to hug him, but comforting hugs had always been easier while he'd been sitting. There was practically a foot between, Rachel only just reaching his chest. It had actually been one of her favourite things about him. She loved the safety that came with being curled up in his arms, shielded by his whole body. Sometimes, like now, she'd just wished she could have returned the favour. "I'm so sorry," she murmured. Mike had rarely talked about his friends in the Army, or what would happen over there. Even when they'd broken up he hadn't said anything. "Do you need anything? Want anything? I'm not really sure what I could do, but I want to help. How's she taking it? Are you staying with her? She really shouldn't be alone."
Mike shook his head and tried to swallow that lump in his throat. "She's not alone, her cousins are with her. They're pretty tight. She invited me to stay before she got the news, but I didn't accept. I went, though. I don't know why. Because I had just seen him, maybe. Because I know what it's like to be in his shoes, sort of. Minus the combat. It looks like he walked into an explosive area. All he wanted to do was come home to see her because he missed her like crazy. That's what he was hanging out for, and now this." He wasn't the sort of guy to cry, at least not in front of anyone. It was a military thing. Rob was probably much the same. The emotions could creep up and all-encompass, but it was hard to just give in to them. He swallowed again, wetting his lips and looking up to meet her eyes, his face difficult to read. "Wouldn't wish it on anyone."
Rachel's breath left her in a rush as she stared into his eyes. Mike had always had brooding good looks. He was fucking hot, no doubt about it. She'd lived for the times he used to smile, some days feeling like he didn't do it enough. Now she was starting to understand why. How could he when things like this hung over his head? She reached up with her other hand to softly touch his cheek, and leaned in to kiss him. She wasn't even sure why other than she just wanted to do something--anything--to take his pain away. She couldn't exactly go out and get drunk with him, and she wasn't military so she couldn't do anything practical. She pulled away, looking down at both their feet as she cursed herself. "I'm sorry."
Mike's frown increased as words were a loss for him again. He closed his eyes for a few moments, shaking his head and turning it away from her. What was she playing at? "You can't just- my mate could be dead," he told her, finally looking at her in disbelief. "Look, I'm sorry I said anything. I didn't want sympathy or whatever the hell that just was. Don't you realise this is the exact reason I can't have relationships? I told you that, I thought you got it."
"I'm supposed to get that you broke up with me because you thought I couldn't handle this side? And it wasn't sympathy!" Rachel whispered angrily. Her hand curled into a fist against his arm as she glared at him. "I fucking love you, don't you get it? I haven't been able to stop thinking about you for eight months. You left me so I wouldn't wait, but I still waited. You don't think I get it? I do! It's even harder when there's no contact because the guy thinks you're not worth it. I fell off the wagon for you!" Tears pricked the backs of her eyes and she tried to blink them away. "I just want to take your pain away because I don't want to see you like this. You come home only to find your friend's been blown up, and possibly dead? It's not fair."
"No, it's not fair! And you know what else isn't fair? You blaming your boozing on me! You can't lay that on me! I didn't tie you down and force-feed it to you! I've been up to my eyeballs in blood, and body parts, and sickness, and corpses for eight months! Trying to save blokes who have half their faces or legs blown off, and you're trying to lay that on me and tell me you can fucking handle it?! How can you handle it, Rachel? If that makes you booze up, how can you handle something like what Leila is going through right now? I didn't break up with you because I didn't think you could handle it! I broke up with you because I couldn't handle having someone back here waiting for me when I might not damn well come home!" Mike exploded, his face flushing and his breath becoming shallow with a mix of anger and devastation at trying to put himself in Rob's position.
Rachel flinched in the face of his anger. He was right. Of course he was right. She bit down on her lip and reached up to take his face in her hands to pull him back down to a level she could actually look into his eyes. "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to lay it on you. I know it was my fault. After you left... I couldn't handle it. Leila probably wasn't handling it either, and she'd just married the guy. Now this? I don't envy her, and I'm sorry I'm bitch enough to say that. I do envy the fact that she had enough balls to want to wait, and that Rob had enough to let her wait. I hope he's okay, I really do. I'm sorry I keep opening up my mouth and dribbling shit. I just... I don't know what to do. I see you, and all I want to do is kiss you, and hug you, and tell you it's okay and that you're safe... I want to welcome you home, but I can't. Please, Mike... I'm sorry."
Mike shook his head. "I can't do this, Rachel. I can't. Thank you for trying to understand, and thank you for being you. But right now, I can't do any of this. I can't even sleep through the night without fearing the worst. I can't give you what you want, because you know what? If Rob doesn't survive and Leila gets that call, how can I possibly believe any of this is worth that sort of sacrifice? Because her whole life will be ruined. I don't want to live my life thinking I could ruin someone's life too. And to be rational here, as fucking painful as it is, if he is alive, it'll be a miracle. Out there, it's... it's hell."
Rachel was listening, she really was, but that didn't stop her from finally giving him a hug. She was half-tempted to knock his feet out from under him so he was at least kneeling, but she wasn't about to do that to an emotional solider. She just held him tightly as best she could. "I know, and I wish I could just stop saying sorry, but I can't. I wasn't actually asking for anything. I was just offering for you to take what you want..." She stayed quiet as she tried to think of something she could do, and glanced up at him. "Are you trying to do her shopping? I know my cart's full of junk, but she probably needs it. Why don't you take that one, and I'll take this empty one and do mine all over again. I could use a do-over. Try and be healthy the second time around."
Mike was just drained. It was beyond a tiredness now, giving way to a heavy lethargy that was probably more emotional than anything. He wasn't sleeping at night and he knew Leila wasn't either. The difference was, she got up when she couldn't sleep, maybe looking at the photos of Rob or trying to seek comfort in his things. Mike stayed politely in bed, not wanting to bother her by getting up too if she wanted to be alone. He stayed lying in bed, staring at the dark ceiling and trying not to let some of the flashbacks swallow him up. Eight months was a long time, and as a medic, he said a lot of the aftermath of the combat rather than being always in the thick of it. Some things would just inevitably stay with him. He looked between the two carts and then shook his head. "It's okay. Thanks, but it probably took you awhile to do that. I was just trying to give her some time alone with her cousins. I don't even know if either of us feel like food. Too busy trying to pretend we ain't staring at the phone waiting for it to ring."
Rachel let him go, and tucked her hands into the back pockets of her jeans so she didn't try to molest him again. She'd missed the way he smelled. She missed the feel of him. She missed waking up next to him. She missed everything about him, and seeing him now was exactly like waving a martini in front of an alcoholic. He was exactly her kind of poison. She wondered if it would be too weird to ring up Andrew and talk to him about this. She was definitely contemplating going back towards the liquor section and picking up a bottle of whiskey. "Wait, um, I know this is going to sound weird, but... is one of her cousins called Andrew?"
Mike's eyes searched over her face with a small, confused frown just settling on his forehead. "Ah, yeah. Andy... Andrew. She called him Andy, he introduced himself as Andrew," he realised with a nod. "He's a paramedic, getting married on the weekend. You know him." It was more of a statement than a question. It wasn't like Andrew was an uncommon name, but Leila sort of was and he assumed Rachel had made some sort of link to her name there. If the link was to Rob, it wouldn't have made sense. Rob himself admitted to hardly knowing Leila's family and regretfully so.
Rachel gave a nod. "Yeah, we're each other's sponsors. We met at AA the other week. Small world, huh? I don't want to intrude more than I have, but you still know where to reach me. Nothing's changed. I still live in the same apartment, still do the same work, have the same phone, and email. Offer's always there, okay? Even if it's not because... Just if you need help." She gave him a small smile. "It's okay to need people, Mike."
"Sponsor?" Mike murmured, his thoughts jumping back to the friendly, caring guy he had just met. No way would he have picked him as an alcoholic. Leila hadn't mentioned it, but he knew it was probably more because Mike hadn't asked her a lot of questions. Maybe he should make a better attempt to get to know her. Maybe talking might help them both. "I just need some... peace, contentment. I dunno. I just don't know anymore. When you lose a friend, you start wondering why the fuck you bother working to defend your country. You can't go out for a beer with your country, can you?"
Rachel shook her head as she smiled a little. "No, you can't. I really hope he comes back. Also wish I knew how to give you peace and contentment. Mostly I can't stop thinking about just lying in bed with you, and I'm not even thinking about sex for once. I also realise I probably shouldn't have told you that." She held up her hand to offer an apology. "Andrew needed someone to talk to. We both fell off the wagon recently. Sometimes that all anyone needs... just to talk."
"If they know how," Mike corrected, his forehead creasing just slightly as he looked back at those uncomfortable shelves again but it seemed the lesser of two evils. He wasn't used to crying and he wasn't used to talking about his feelings. It was the way he was raised. It would probably be a hard feat to knock out of him. If Rob came home, he really needed to get some pointers. If not... maybe he could still learn by his friend's choices. Rob wore his heart on his sleeve and took risks. Mike just didn't know how to.
"Touché," Rachel murmured. She took the hint and started to back up to her own cart which she had to shift to let someone get through. "It was, um, well, it wasn't nice given the circumstances... I'm just glad you're alive. I really hope for your sake, and his wife's, that you're friend is okay. Try and take care, Mike."
Mike looked at her for a long few moments and then finally nodded. "You too," he mumbled and shoved his hands in his pockets. For a moment, it seemed like he was going to say something else, but instead he just turned and walked up the aisle away from her, leaving the empty cart and deciding if Leila was hungry, he would order her a pizza. He needed to get out of the supermarket, and just away. It was amazing how a city of that size could feel so crushing all of a sudden.
Word Count | 3,980
Rachel really needed to stop shopping on an empty stomach. She looked down in her cart, and groaned. Less than half the things were healthy, and the unhealthy side she was willing to start eating right now. Point her in the direction of a microwave and she would have happily started eating the frozen burrito she'd thrown in there. She didn't even like them, just her rumbling stomach apparently liked the idea of one. She sighed, and gave up as she reached down to take out a chocolate bar. It wasn't stealing when she was still going to pay for it, right? She was very careful not to destroy the wrapper in her haste to eat, her eyes rolling back into her skull as she moaned at the combination of chocolate and gooey caramel.
She hadn't eaten since breakfast. Anything was probably going to taste good to her by this stage, but the chocolate tasted really good. She rounded the corner into the toiletries aisle, slowly making her way down it as she continued to chew on the heavenly chocolate bar. She smirked as she saw a guy standing cluesless in front of the pads and tampons, her eyes not so much on his face as the way he was standing, and the excellent ass.
Rachel blinked before she frowned a little. The ass was a little famililar. So was the partial Chinese character poking out from under the sleeve of the t-shirt he was wearing. No, it couldn't be. Rachel froze, not daring to look up for a long moment in case it was true. She had no idea what she would even say to him! Last time she saw Mike he was having that lunch date with the gorgeous blonde. He hadn't seen Rachel, and she wasn't about to walk up and interrupt it. So what if he was back and hadn't tried to contact her? They were exes, it wasn't what exes did...
Were exes even supposed to talk in the supermarket? Did she just walk right past without acknowlegding him? She realised too late that she'd been standing there and staring for far too long, and squeaked as she looked up to find him looking at her. Her cheeks were stuffed full of chocolate, and all she could do was raise her hand in a small wave while trying to chew quickly before he started talking to her. If he started talking to her.
God, she wanted a drink.
Mike hadn't actually realised it was her at first. In fact, it probably looked like he was staring at her, when he was more just staring off into space trying to wrap his head around the grocery shopping. He had pushed the empty cart around the store no less than three times and still hadn't put anything into it. He had no idea why the hell he was even standing in front of the women's... personal thingos shelves. It just seemed to stick in his head that Leila was pregnant, so she would probably need them. Actually, it was condoms that brought him to this aisle. Why the fuck he figured she needed them was beyond him, but he was male and he had no other excuse but that to explain it. He had ended up in the supermarket grocery shopping because Leila's cousins had shown up to keep her company for a little while. Mike met them briefly, but he quickly opted for making himself scarce so he didn't get in the way. Leila was barely keeping it together, so she needed her family. She was probably feeling like she needed to hold herself around Mike because he was a stranger. If he excused himself, she could break in front of her cousins without worrying. It was apparently the taller of the two guys, the paramedic, who was due to get married on the weekend. How a wedding could happily be pulled off in the circumstances was beyond Mike. But then, all he could feel was this heavy, aching weight that Rob was still missing, a week after the news broke and he was probably dead.
It was that thought that had Mike frozen in the personal things aisle, staring into space as he struggled to wrap his head around the fact Rob might be dead. But when he noticed someone waving at him, he blinked, pulling out his daze and realising with a sobering jolt that it was Rachel.
His ex.
He went to say something, but no words came out. In fact, he wasn't sure he could deal with this right now, but she was standing there and they had acknowledged each other, even if it was wordlessly. He swallowed and cleared his throat. "Hi," he got out, his voice a little scratchy as he continued to stand there awkwardly, frozen on the spot.
"Hi," Rachel responded after finally swallowing her mouthful. She rasied her hand tentatively to wipe at her mouth, not sure if it was covered in chocolate. She raised her eyebrows a little as she searched for something else to say, the awkwardness palpable. She wanted to kick herself for trying to make contact. Why the fuck would he want to talk to her? She glanced at the shelf he was standing near, and pulled her mouth to the side. "Shopping for your girlfriend?"
That was probably the last thing Mike expected to come out of her mouth. So much so that he wasn't sure he heard her right at first. He looked at the shelf where her eyes turned, finding the array of colourful packets with cheesy catchphrases about things Mike didn't particularly want to think about right then. Plus, what if Rob got the shits that Mike was shopping for something that should really be a husbandly thing? "What girlfriend?" he found falling out of his mouth stupidly. The only thing was, he realised once the words passed his lips, there was no way of catching them and shoving them back where they came from. So, even more stupidly, he tried to save face with, "What do you care?"
Rachel could feel her cheeks start to heat up as her heart skipped a beat. He didn't have a girlfriend! She was practically doing a happy dance on the inside. Then the next owrks tumbled out of his mouth as she felt like she'd been stuck under a freezing cold shower. "I--what? Of course I care! I just... there was the blonde you were having lunch with, and I thought--I mean, she's beautiful! And tall, and probably has legs that go for days, and can even look gorgeous with glasses, and..." She really did turn scarlet now, and even she'd had a make up kit on her she wasn't sure she'd be able to hide it. "Just wasn't sure how long you'd been back for. Not like you had any reason to let me know... Are you... are you okay?"
Mike pressed his lips together momentarily, trying to keep his emotions in check. "Yeah, she's beautiful," he agreed. "She's also married to one of my closest and oldest pals. Her legs aren't something I was actually taking notice of when I was taking her for lunch because her husband has just been shipped out to Afghanistan," he added pointedly. "I've only been back a week, and I've been with her most of the time. Her husband... he's... gone. Missing." He stumbled over the words, the notion becoming harder and harder for him to wrap his head around.
Rachel wanted the ground to open up and swallow her, or at least for some crazy old lady with another cart to just come alone and knock her out. She let out a slow breath, her foot kicking the back of her leg roughly. She hated the way everything coming out her mouth was just wrong. When she'd met him the first time she'd been sexy, flirty, and had the golden tongue. Now it was like she'd lost all ability to think before she spoke, and she just had to make herself look like an idiot.
She stepped out from around the cart despite the butterflies in her stomach, and the voice in her head screaming at her not to do it. Rachel moved up beside him, and rest her hand lightly on his arm. "Are you okay?" she asked again, her voice quiet as she looked up at him with concern.
Mike was looking at her uncertainly. There was a lot of old water under their bridge, pretty much all his fault. Eight months might not sound like a long time, but it had felt like a lifetime for him. He didn't answer at first, instead just shaking his head slowly. Words kept trying to fail him. He didn't want to face that Rob could be dead, and still missing. It would come like a double blow to Leila. Not only would her husband be gone, but she would have no body returned to her for any sort of closure. She would always be wondering if he might one day come back to her. "Rob's a soldier," he explained hoarsely. "Frontline.... sniper," he told her, dropping his voice so no one passing would hear. "He was in the infirmary a few days before I terminated over there and we caught up, he told me about his new wife, and despite everything, just having her was keeping him going. We trained together, both naive teenagers when we entered. He's been missing for a week. Only a matter of time before his status changes from MIA to presumed dead." He had no idea why he was pouring all this out to her in the middle of the supermarket. She was familiar, and he had been alone for so long. It came easy. He dropped his head, looking down at his feet as he bit down on his lower lip. Any more, and he was going to break down. He could feel that gnawing feeling in his heart.
Rachel sucked in a breath, too much of what he was saying things she'd thought about herself. Only Mike would be the missing soldier, and she wasn't exactly his wife. She moved her hand up, rubbing it against his shoulder in comfort. She so badly wanted to hug him, but comforting hugs had always been easier while he'd been sitting. There was practically a foot between, Rachel only just reaching his chest. It had actually been one of her favourite things about him. She loved the safety that came with being curled up in his arms, shielded by his whole body. Sometimes, like now, she'd just wished she could have returned the favour. "I'm so sorry," she murmured. Mike had rarely talked about his friends in the Army, or what would happen over there. Even when they'd broken up he hadn't said anything. "Do you need anything? Want anything? I'm not really sure what I could do, but I want to help. How's she taking it? Are you staying with her? She really shouldn't be alone."
Mike shook his head and tried to swallow that lump in his throat. "She's not alone, her cousins are with her. They're pretty tight. She invited me to stay before she got the news, but I didn't accept. I went, though. I don't know why. Because I had just seen him, maybe. Because I know what it's like to be in his shoes, sort of. Minus the combat. It looks like he walked into an explosive area. All he wanted to do was come home to see her because he missed her like crazy. That's what he was hanging out for, and now this." He wasn't the sort of guy to cry, at least not in front of anyone. It was a military thing. Rob was probably much the same. The emotions could creep up and all-encompass, but it was hard to just give in to them. He swallowed again, wetting his lips and looking up to meet her eyes, his face difficult to read. "Wouldn't wish it on anyone."
Rachel's breath left her in a rush as she stared into his eyes. Mike had always had brooding good looks. He was fucking hot, no doubt about it. She'd lived for the times he used to smile, some days feeling like he didn't do it enough. Now she was starting to understand why. How could he when things like this hung over his head? She reached up with her other hand to softly touch his cheek, and leaned in to kiss him. She wasn't even sure why other than she just wanted to do something--anything--to take his pain away. She couldn't exactly go out and get drunk with him, and she wasn't military so she couldn't do anything practical. She pulled away, looking down at both their feet as she cursed herself. "I'm sorry."
Mike's frown increased as words were a loss for him again. He closed his eyes for a few moments, shaking his head and turning it away from her. What was she playing at? "You can't just- my mate could be dead," he told her, finally looking at her in disbelief. "Look, I'm sorry I said anything. I didn't want sympathy or whatever the hell that just was. Don't you realise this is the exact reason I can't have relationships? I told you that, I thought you got it."
"I'm supposed to get that you broke up with me because you thought I couldn't handle this side? And it wasn't sympathy!" Rachel whispered angrily. Her hand curled into a fist against his arm as she glared at him. "I fucking love you, don't you get it? I haven't been able to stop thinking about you for eight months. You left me so I wouldn't wait, but I still waited. You don't think I get it? I do! It's even harder when there's no contact because the guy thinks you're not worth it. I fell off the wagon for you!" Tears pricked the backs of her eyes and she tried to blink them away. "I just want to take your pain away because I don't want to see you like this. You come home only to find your friend's been blown up, and possibly dead? It's not fair."
"No, it's not fair! And you know what else isn't fair? You blaming your boozing on me! You can't lay that on me! I didn't tie you down and force-feed it to you! I've been up to my eyeballs in blood, and body parts, and sickness, and corpses for eight months! Trying to save blokes who have half their faces or legs blown off, and you're trying to lay that on me and tell me you can fucking handle it?! How can you handle it, Rachel? If that makes you booze up, how can you handle something like what Leila is going through right now? I didn't break up with you because I didn't think you could handle it! I broke up with you because I couldn't handle having someone back here waiting for me when I might not damn well come home!" Mike exploded, his face flushing and his breath becoming shallow with a mix of anger and devastation at trying to put himself in Rob's position.
Rachel flinched in the face of his anger. He was right. Of course he was right. She bit down on her lip and reached up to take his face in her hands to pull him back down to a level she could actually look into his eyes. "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to lay it on you. I know it was my fault. After you left... I couldn't handle it. Leila probably wasn't handling it either, and she'd just married the guy. Now this? I don't envy her, and I'm sorry I'm bitch enough to say that. I do envy the fact that she had enough balls to want to wait, and that Rob had enough to let her wait. I hope he's okay, I really do. I'm sorry I keep opening up my mouth and dribbling shit. I just... I don't know what to do. I see you, and all I want to do is kiss you, and hug you, and tell you it's okay and that you're safe... I want to welcome you home, but I can't. Please, Mike... I'm sorry."
Mike shook his head. "I can't do this, Rachel. I can't. Thank you for trying to understand, and thank you for being you. But right now, I can't do any of this. I can't even sleep through the night without fearing the worst. I can't give you what you want, because you know what? If Rob doesn't survive and Leila gets that call, how can I possibly believe any of this is worth that sort of sacrifice? Because her whole life will be ruined. I don't want to live my life thinking I could ruin someone's life too. And to be rational here, as fucking painful as it is, if he is alive, it'll be a miracle. Out there, it's... it's hell."
Rachel was listening, she really was, but that didn't stop her from finally giving him a hug. She was half-tempted to knock his feet out from under him so he was at least kneeling, but she wasn't about to do that to an emotional solider. She just held him tightly as best she could. "I know, and I wish I could just stop saying sorry, but I can't. I wasn't actually asking for anything. I was just offering for you to take what you want..." She stayed quiet as she tried to think of something she could do, and glanced up at him. "Are you trying to do her shopping? I know my cart's full of junk, but she probably needs it. Why don't you take that one, and I'll take this empty one and do mine all over again. I could use a do-over. Try and be healthy the second time around."
Mike was just drained. It was beyond a tiredness now, giving way to a heavy lethargy that was probably more emotional than anything. He wasn't sleeping at night and he knew Leila wasn't either. The difference was, she got up when she couldn't sleep, maybe looking at the photos of Rob or trying to seek comfort in his things. Mike stayed politely in bed, not wanting to bother her by getting up too if she wanted to be alone. He stayed lying in bed, staring at the dark ceiling and trying not to let some of the flashbacks swallow him up. Eight months was a long time, and as a medic, he said a lot of the aftermath of the combat rather than being always in the thick of it. Some things would just inevitably stay with him. He looked between the two carts and then shook his head. "It's okay. Thanks, but it probably took you awhile to do that. I was just trying to give her some time alone with her cousins. I don't even know if either of us feel like food. Too busy trying to pretend we ain't staring at the phone waiting for it to ring."
Rachel let him go, and tucked her hands into the back pockets of her jeans so she didn't try to molest him again. She'd missed the way he smelled. She missed the feel of him. She missed waking up next to him. She missed everything about him, and seeing him now was exactly like waving a martini in front of an alcoholic. He was exactly her kind of poison. She wondered if it would be too weird to ring up Andrew and talk to him about this. She was definitely contemplating going back towards the liquor section and picking up a bottle of whiskey. "Wait, um, I know this is going to sound weird, but... is one of her cousins called Andrew?"
Mike's eyes searched over her face with a small, confused frown just settling on his forehead. "Ah, yeah. Andy... Andrew. She called him Andy, he introduced himself as Andrew," he realised with a nod. "He's a paramedic, getting married on the weekend. You know him." It was more of a statement than a question. It wasn't like Andrew was an uncommon name, but Leila sort of was and he assumed Rachel had made some sort of link to her name there. If the link was to Rob, it wouldn't have made sense. Rob himself admitted to hardly knowing Leila's family and regretfully so.
Rachel gave a nod. "Yeah, we're each other's sponsors. We met at AA the other week. Small world, huh? I don't want to intrude more than I have, but you still know where to reach me. Nothing's changed. I still live in the same apartment, still do the same work, have the same phone, and email. Offer's always there, okay? Even if it's not because... Just if you need help." She gave him a small smile. "It's okay to need people, Mike."
"Sponsor?" Mike murmured, his thoughts jumping back to the friendly, caring guy he had just met. No way would he have picked him as an alcoholic. Leila hadn't mentioned it, but he knew it was probably more because Mike hadn't asked her a lot of questions. Maybe he should make a better attempt to get to know her. Maybe talking might help them both. "I just need some... peace, contentment. I dunno. I just don't know anymore. When you lose a friend, you start wondering why the fuck you bother working to defend your country. You can't go out for a beer with your country, can you?"
Rachel shook her head as she smiled a little. "No, you can't. I really hope he comes back. Also wish I knew how to give you peace and contentment. Mostly I can't stop thinking about just lying in bed with you, and I'm not even thinking about sex for once. I also realise I probably shouldn't have told you that." She held up her hand to offer an apology. "Andrew needed someone to talk to. We both fell off the wagon recently. Sometimes that all anyone needs... just to talk."
"If they know how," Mike corrected, his forehead creasing just slightly as he looked back at those uncomfortable shelves again but it seemed the lesser of two evils. He wasn't used to crying and he wasn't used to talking about his feelings. It was the way he was raised. It would probably be a hard feat to knock out of him. If Rob came home, he really needed to get some pointers. If not... maybe he could still learn by his friend's choices. Rob wore his heart on his sleeve and took risks. Mike just didn't know how to.
"Touché," Rachel murmured. She took the hint and started to back up to her own cart which she had to shift to let someone get through. "It was, um, well, it wasn't nice given the circumstances... I'm just glad you're alive. I really hope for your sake, and his wife's, that you're friend is okay. Try and take care, Mike."
Mike looked at her for a long few moments and then finally nodded. "You too," he mumbled and shoved his hands in his pockets. For a moment, it seemed like he was going to say something else, but instead he just turned and walked up the aisle away from her, leaving the empty cart and deciding if Leila was hungry, he would order her a pizza. He needed to get out of the supermarket, and just away. It was amazing how a city of that size could feel so crushing all of a sudden.
Word Count | 3,980