Torchwood IMs: Gwen has Flu
Title: Gwen has Flu
Chapter: 76
Characters: Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper
Author: a_silver_story
Genre Humour, smut
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: M.M
Disclaimer: If I owned anything in this, I'd be a rich rich rich bitch. However, I am not a rich rich rich bitch so you may all, therefore, assume I own nothing. Which I don't. It all belongs RTD and the BBC, in case any of you didn't know.
Summary: See title, really.
FIRST PART | Ianto and Gwen's IM's
PREVIOUS | Torchwood Index/Masterlist
76 |
GWEN has entered the conversation
GWEN: When we get back to work tomorrow, you *make* Jack enable the instant messenger or I swear to God: I will kill him, then I’ll kill him again!
MR JONES: *sigh*
MR JONES: Just repeat e-mail people. That’s what me and Jack have been doing.
GWEN: It’s not instant though, is it? Make him bring it back!
MR JONES: I’ll talk to him. See if I can make him give in to his addiction to the instant message.
GWEN: Why did he do this to us? Whyyyyyyyy?
MR JONES: Because we’re supposed to be protecting the Earth, not spending three hours trying to decide between yourself and your significant other whether to have chicken or lamb for tea.
GWEN: *hmph* well some days are just slow.
MR JONES: I know. But we’re home and safe and online now :)
GWEN: Yay! ‘Tis rare for you to be at home ^_^
MR JONES: Aye. But I’m making a point.
GWEN: Oh?
MR JONES: Okay ... I’ll admit that the pro-IM ban stuff I spouted earlier was all bollocks. I’ve told Jack I’m not staying at the hub until we get IM back.
GWEN: You’re putting Captain Jack Harkness under a sex ban????
GWEN: Oh dear God.
GWEN: I want IMs back ... but ... not so badly I’ll have to suffer sexually frustrated!Jack again ...
MR JONES: Since when did you experience sexually frustrated!Jack?
GWEN: When you went to Australia for three weeks!
MR JONES: Ohhhh yeah. Sorry about that. I didn’t realise how grumpy he was going to get ...
GWEN: Yeah. And when he starts to get ‘grumpy’ again, you can just bugger off to the Tourist Centre or the Archives and leave me to deal with him!
MR JONES: Being an Archivist has its perks ...
GWEN: Please, Ianto!
GWEN: I’ll do your dry-cleaning for a week ^_^
MR JONES: LMAO!
MR JONES: As if I’d trust you with my dry cleaning!
MR JONES: I mean ... I’m really finicky with dry cleaning, so maybe not that.
GWEN: Cheeky bugger!
MR JONES: :P
GWEN: What can I do?
MR JONES: Nothing. I need to stand my ground on this.
GWEN: It’s a dilemma. I want IMs, but I don’t want grumpy Jack, but I can’t have IM’s without grumpy Jack ...
MR JONES: I could just put on the record you’ve got “flu-like symptoms” and tell him you’re quarantined for swine flu for a week.
GWEN: You devious bastard! Brilliant!
GWEN: ... wouldn’t Rhys need to be quarantined, too? ;)
MR JONES: Just to be on the safe side, I suppose he’d have to be.
GWEN: Terrible shame.
MR JONES: Heartbreakingly, depressingly, despairingly sad.
GWEN: ^_^ Thanks, Ianto!
MR JONES: No problem. Now you really do need some bed-rest, you poor, flu-addled little doll!
GWEN: Yessir!
GWEN has left the conversation
JACK: She fell for it!
JACK: A week for just us - barring all world-ending scenarios.
MR JONES: At what point should I tell her IMs have been back online since six, and that I’m actually in the Tourist Office and not in my flat?
JACK: *shrugs*
JACK: Just before you pass out from sexual exhaustion?
MR JONES: Friday then? ;)
JACK: Muaha.
JACK: Yantoeeeeessss.
JACK: Come downstairs ...
MR JONES: What for?
JACK: Sex, basically. Then afterwards we can go down to our room and ... experiment with the mysteries of the Orient ...
MR JONES: Godammit. I have so many things to file!
JACK: Damn ... but surely you’ve got being fucked while filing down to an art by now!
MR JONES: :P I’m only kidding. I finished everything half an hour ago.
JACK: And you kept me waiting! Tut tut!
MR JONES: *bad self*
MR JONES: I’m gonna pack up and make my way down x
JACK: Yayness!
JACK: xxx
MR JONES: Oo! Before I go: did you look at that report I gave you about Janet’s behaviour?
JACK: Yeah.
MR JONES: ... and?
JACK: ‘... and’ what?
MR JONES: What did you think?
JACK: It was excellent as always, Ianto! :D
MR JONES: Do you agree, though?
JACK: Absolutely.
MR JONES: So what do you think we should do about it?
JACK: Give it some time, see what happens. *shrugs*
MR JONES: “Give it some time, see what happens.”
MR JONES: You didn’t even read the fucking thing did you????
JACK: I did!
MR JONES: What was it about, then?
JACK: Janet’s behaviour.
MR JONES: What about Janet’s behaviour?
JACK: I did read it! I just read a few things since then and most of it’s slipped out of my brain ...
MR JONES: I spent *ages* on that!
MR JONES: It was a follow-up to mine and Owen’s research into whether the Weevils are mutating or evolving!
MR JONES: It could be important, Jack! Janet appears to leaning basic obedience behaviours - and she could have only learnt that from us humans! What if other Weevils are learning, too? What if they observe some drunkards on a Friday night fighting and think *that’s* how you behave towards a human being - what if Weevil attacks and fatalities rise because we didn’t take action soon enough?
JACK: What - exactly - are we supposed to do about what a free Weevil ‘learns’?
MR JONES: Well if you’d read my report ... YOU’D KNOW THAT!
MR JONES: Gawwwd even Myfanwy would have spent longer looking at my report than you did!
JACK: Hey! I’m a really busy guy! I have to juggle running Torchwood, field missions, liaison, training and make time for you! Have you noticed that we’re constantly having to steal time together because my work gets in the way? Your work can be set aside for later - I more than accept you don’t like doing that, but it’s true! - and I’m trying my best here! For Gwen, for Toshiko, for Owen, for Suzie - for the whole goddamn planet - and for you!
MR JONES: What about Alice?
JACK: Who’s Alice?
MR JONES: She lives in Langham House. Every month, like clockwork, a substantial payment goes from the Torchwood account to hers in your name. I was waiting for you to tell me why, but after three years even I’m getting impatient.
JACK: How do you know about that? What are you? Stalker?
MR JONES: I do the Torchwood accounts. Do you honestly think I’d miss that? You weren’t exactly hiding it.
JACK: I’m guessing you did your research. Found out everything you could.
MR JONES: Nope.
MR JONES: I left it.
MR JONES: I left it, thinking one day you might feel the need to come clean.
JACK: Come clean?
JACK: Ianto, who do you think she is?
MR JONES: I don’t know. She has a son ... I assumed that maybe he was yours.
JACK: I thought you didn’t do any research?
MR JONES: I came across some stuff - totally by accident.
JACK: You promise you won’t freak out?
MR JONES: I can try my best.
JACK: She’s my daughter - and she’s older than you are. Stephen is my grandson.
MR JONES: Oh. Right.
JACK: Freaking out?
MR JONES: No ... just ... I thought that maybe I’d end up with some competition from some ex-girlfriend and mother-of-your-child who I could never match up to ... and the concept of kinda being a step-parent and not knowing is a little ... Rhiannon-y.
JACK: I’m sorry.
JACK: Alice and Stephen ... they’re a different life. I hardly ever see them.
MR JONES: Why?
JACK: Alice asked me to stay away. I’m dangerous.
MR JONES: Oh. I’m guessing she knows about the not dying thing, then? And Torchwood?
JACK: Her mother was Torchwood. She practically grew up in the hub. Never got a taste for the life, though. And her mother would have tied me up in the basement with a tennis ball machine constantly hitting me if I’d ever let her join.
MR JONES: What happened to her mam?
JACK: Heart failure.
MR JONES: Oh. Sorry *hugs*
JACK: *hugs back*
MR JONES: When did you last see Alice?
JACK: Nearly a year ago.
MR JONES: You shouldn’t let her slip away, Jack. She’s your daughter.
JACK: So I just turn up on her doorstep with a big grin, telling her my new good-looking, younger-than-you boyfriend told me I should do?
MR JONES: If it reminds her you’re still part of her life, go for it. And what about Stephen? What does he know about you?
JACK: He thinks I’m his uncle.
MR JONES: They why don’t you spend time with him - before he realises you don’t age?
JACK: Aren’t you gonna be weirded out by that a bit? “Can’t chat now, chino. Gotta push my grandson on the swings. No I haven’t forgotten you’re twenty six in two months!”
MR JONES: Fine, fine. Whatever. It’s his life you’re missing out on. *shrugs*
JACK: Stop it.
JACK: ... you’d really be okay with me spending time with Stephen instead of you?
MR JONES: Not at all. I get you during the working day :)
JACK: Maybe I could introduce you to him and Alice. I met your family, after all.
MR JONES: ... one step at a time. Very slow, small steps.
MR JONES: I think maybe you should get yourself reacquainted with your family first.
JACK: Yeah but if I turn up with you on my arm, Stephen will forever link us together as Uncle Jack and Uncle Ianto
MR JONES: Uncle Ianto. Great.
JACK: How about Friday?
MR JONES: Woahhhh let me think about it!
JACK: You hardly gave me chance to think about meeting your family ...
MR JONES: Ohhh fine, fine.
MR JONES: Anyways ... I’m still mad you didn’t read my report.
JACK: I sowwi
MR JONES: I think I may have to come downstairs and make you sorry.
JACK: I’d hate that. I’d really ... really ... hate that ...
MR JONES: I’ll hate having to do it. It’s such a tough job, but I don’t think I trust anyone else with it.
JACK: Get down here and rim me ‘til I come.
MR JONES: ... *ahem*
MR JONES: I beg your pardon?
JACK: Get down here and rim me ‘til I come ... please?
MR JONES: Get your trousers down ... I’m on my way xx
JACK: I haven’t been wearing trousers for about two minutes.
MR JONES: That’s because the spidery-mouse things stole them.
JACK: Spidery-mice??? Where are the spidery-mice?????
MR JONES: Muauhahaha! x
JACK: XxX
FIN
Did anyone else watch "Clive Anderson's The Funny Side of ... Animals" on the BBC the other day? Did you spot the cute lil doggy called Ianto? D'awww he was coot!
Next Part | Previous Part | Torchwood Index | Request a Convo/Prose Fic
Chapter: 76
Characters: Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper
Author: a_silver_story
Genre Humour, smut
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: M.M
Disclaimer: If I owned anything in this, I'd be a rich rich rich bitch. However, I am not a rich rich rich bitch so you may all, therefore, assume I own nothing. Which I don't. It all belongs RTD and the BBC, in case any of you didn't know.
Summary: See title, really.
FIRST PART | Ianto and Gwen's IM's
PREVIOUS | Torchwood Index/Masterlist
76 |
GWEN has entered the conversation
GWEN: When we get back to work tomorrow, you *make* Jack enable the instant messenger or I swear to God: I will kill him, then I’ll kill him again!
MR JONES: *sigh*
MR JONES: Just repeat e-mail people. That’s what me and Jack have been doing.
GWEN: It’s not instant though, is it? Make him bring it back!
MR JONES: I’ll talk to him. See if I can make him give in to his addiction to the instant message.
GWEN: Why did he do this to us? Whyyyyyyyy?
MR JONES: Because we’re supposed to be protecting the Earth, not spending three hours trying to decide between yourself and your significant other whether to have chicken or lamb for tea.
GWEN: *hmph* well some days are just slow.
MR JONES: I know. But we’re home and safe and online now :)
GWEN: Yay! ‘Tis rare for you to be at home ^_^
MR JONES: Aye. But I’m making a point.
GWEN: Oh?
MR JONES: Okay ... I’ll admit that the pro-IM ban stuff I spouted earlier was all bollocks. I’ve told Jack I’m not staying at the hub until we get IM back.
GWEN: You’re putting Captain Jack Harkness under a sex ban????
GWEN: Oh dear God.
GWEN: I want IMs back ... but ... not so badly I’ll have to suffer sexually frustrated!Jack again ...
MR JONES: Since when did you experience sexually frustrated!Jack?
GWEN: When you went to Australia for three weeks!
MR JONES: Ohhhh yeah. Sorry about that. I didn’t realise how grumpy he was going to get ...
GWEN: Yeah. And when he starts to get ‘grumpy’ again, you can just bugger off to the Tourist Centre or the Archives and leave me to deal with him!
MR JONES: Being an Archivist has its perks ...
GWEN: Please, Ianto!
GWEN: I’ll do your dry-cleaning for a week ^_^
MR JONES: LMAO!
MR JONES: As if I’d trust you with my dry cleaning!
MR JONES: I mean ... I’m really finicky with dry cleaning, so maybe not that.
GWEN: Cheeky bugger!
MR JONES: :P
GWEN: What can I do?
MR JONES: Nothing. I need to stand my ground on this.
GWEN: It’s a dilemma. I want IMs, but I don’t want grumpy Jack, but I can’t have IM’s without grumpy Jack ...
MR JONES: I could just put on the record you’ve got “flu-like symptoms” and tell him you’re quarantined for swine flu for a week.
GWEN: You devious bastard! Brilliant!
GWEN: ... wouldn’t Rhys need to be quarantined, too? ;)
MR JONES: Just to be on the safe side, I suppose he’d have to be.
GWEN: Terrible shame.
MR JONES: Heartbreakingly, depressingly, despairingly sad.
GWEN: ^_^ Thanks, Ianto!
MR JONES: No problem. Now you really do need some bed-rest, you poor, flu-addled little doll!
GWEN: Yessir!
GWEN has left the conversation
JACK: She fell for it!
JACK: A week for just us - barring all world-ending scenarios.
MR JONES: At what point should I tell her IMs have been back online since six, and that I’m actually in the Tourist Office and not in my flat?
JACK: *shrugs*
JACK: Just before you pass out from sexual exhaustion?
MR JONES: Friday then? ;)
JACK: Muaha.
JACK: Yantoeeeeessss.
JACK: Come downstairs ...
MR JONES: What for?
JACK: Sex, basically. Then afterwards we can go down to our room and ... experiment with the mysteries of the Orient ...
MR JONES: Godammit. I have so many things to file!
JACK: Damn ... but surely you’ve got being fucked while filing down to an art by now!
MR JONES: :P I’m only kidding. I finished everything half an hour ago.
JACK: And you kept me waiting! Tut tut!
MR JONES: *bad self*
MR JONES: I’m gonna pack up and make my way down x
JACK: Yayness!
JACK: xxx
MR JONES: Oo! Before I go: did you look at that report I gave you about Janet’s behaviour?
JACK: Yeah.
MR JONES: ... and?
JACK: ‘... and’ what?
MR JONES: What did you think?
JACK: It was excellent as always, Ianto! :D
MR JONES: Do you agree, though?
JACK: Absolutely.
MR JONES: So what do you think we should do about it?
JACK: Give it some time, see what happens. *shrugs*
MR JONES: “Give it some time, see what happens.”
MR JONES: You didn’t even read the fucking thing did you????
JACK: I did!
MR JONES: What was it about, then?
JACK: Janet’s behaviour.
MR JONES: What about Janet’s behaviour?
JACK: I did read it! I just read a few things since then and most of it’s slipped out of my brain ...
MR JONES: I spent *ages* on that!
MR JONES: It was a follow-up to mine and Owen’s research into whether the Weevils are mutating or evolving!
MR JONES: It could be important, Jack! Janet appears to leaning basic obedience behaviours - and she could have only learnt that from us humans! What if other Weevils are learning, too? What if they observe some drunkards on a Friday night fighting and think *that’s* how you behave towards a human being - what if Weevil attacks and fatalities rise because we didn’t take action soon enough?
JACK: What - exactly - are we supposed to do about what a free Weevil ‘learns’?
MR JONES: Well if you’d read my report ... YOU’D KNOW THAT!
MR JONES: Gawwwd even Myfanwy would have spent longer looking at my report than you did!
JACK: Hey! I’m a really busy guy! I have to juggle running Torchwood, field missions, liaison, training and make time for you! Have you noticed that we’re constantly having to steal time together because my work gets in the way? Your work can be set aside for later - I more than accept you don’t like doing that, but it’s true! - and I’m trying my best here! For Gwen, for Toshiko, for Owen, for Suzie - for the whole goddamn planet - and for you!
MR JONES: What about Alice?
JACK: Who’s Alice?
MR JONES: She lives in Langham House. Every month, like clockwork, a substantial payment goes from the Torchwood account to hers in your name. I was waiting for you to tell me why, but after three years even I’m getting impatient.
JACK: How do you know about that? What are you? Stalker?
MR JONES: I do the Torchwood accounts. Do you honestly think I’d miss that? You weren’t exactly hiding it.
JACK: I’m guessing you did your research. Found out everything you could.
MR JONES: Nope.
MR JONES: I left it.
MR JONES: I left it, thinking one day you might feel the need to come clean.
JACK: Come clean?
JACK: Ianto, who do you think she is?
MR JONES: I don’t know. She has a son ... I assumed that maybe he was yours.
JACK: I thought you didn’t do any research?
MR JONES: I came across some stuff - totally by accident.
JACK: You promise you won’t freak out?
MR JONES: I can try my best.
JACK: She’s my daughter - and she’s older than you are. Stephen is my grandson.
MR JONES: Oh. Right.
JACK: Freaking out?
MR JONES: No ... just ... I thought that maybe I’d end up with some competition from some ex-girlfriend and mother-of-your-child who I could never match up to ... and the concept of kinda being a step-parent and not knowing is a little ... Rhiannon-y.
JACK: I’m sorry.
JACK: Alice and Stephen ... they’re a different life. I hardly ever see them.
MR JONES: Why?
JACK: Alice asked me to stay away. I’m dangerous.
MR JONES: Oh. I’m guessing she knows about the not dying thing, then? And Torchwood?
JACK: Her mother was Torchwood. She practically grew up in the hub. Never got a taste for the life, though. And her mother would have tied me up in the basement with a tennis ball machine constantly hitting me if I’d ever let her join.
MR JONES: What happened to her mam?
JACK: Heart failure.
MR JONES: Oh. Sorry *hugs*
JACK: *hugs back*
MR JONES: When did you last see Alice?
JACK: Nearly a year ago.
MR JONES: You shouldn’t let her slip away, Jack. She’s your daughter.
JACK: So I just turn up on her doorstep with a big grin, telling her my new good-looking, younger-than-you boyfriend told me I should do?
MR JONES: If it reminds her you’re still part of her life, go for it. And what about Stephen? What does he know about you?
JACK: He thinks I’m his uncle.
MR JONES: They why don’t you spend time with him - before he realises you don’t age?
JACK: Aren’t you gonna be weirded out by that a bit? “Can’t chat now, chino. Gotta push my grandson on the swings. No I haven’t forgotten you’re twenty six in two months!”
MR JONES: Fine, fine. Whatever. It’s his life you’re missing out on. *shrugs*
JACK: Stop it.
JACK: ... you’d really be okay with me spending time with Stephen instead of you?
MR JONES: Not at all. I get you during the working day :)
JACK: Maybe I could introduce you to him and Alice. I met your family, after all.
MR JONES: ... one step at a time. Very slow, small steps.
MR JONES: I think maybe you should get yourself reacquainted with your family first.
JACK: Yeah but if I turn up with you on my arm, Stephen will forever link us together as Uncle Jack and Uncle Ianto
MR JONES: Uncle Ianto. Great.
JACK: How about Friday?
MR JONES: Woahhhh let me think about it!
JACK: You hardly gave me chance to think about meeting your family ...
MR JONES: Ohhh fine, fine.
MR JONES: Anyways ... I’m still mad you didn’t read my report.
JACK: I sowwi
MR JONES: I think I may have to come downstairs and make you sorry.
JACK: I’d hate that. I’d really ... really ... hate that ...
MR JONES: I’ll hate having to do it. It’s such a tough job, but I don’t think I trust anyone else with it.
JACK: Get down here and rim me ‘til I come.
MR JONES: ... *ahem*
MR JONES: I beg your pardon?
JACK: Get down here and rim me ‘til I come ... please?
MR JONES: Get your trousers down ... I’m on my way xx
JACK: I haven’t been wearing trousers for about two minutes.
MR JONES: That’s because the spidery-mouse things stole them.
JACK: Spidery-mice??? Where are the spidery-mice?????
MR JONES: Muauhahaha! x
JACK: XxX
FIN
Did anyone else watch "Clive Anderson's The Funny Side of ... Animals" on the BBC the other day? Did you spot the cute lil doggy called Ianto? D'awww he was coot!
Next Part | Previous Part | Torchwood Index | Request a Convo/Prose Fic