Torchwood IMs: Captain Andy handles the Force
Title: Captain Andy handles the Force
Chapter: 7
Characters: Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness, Andy Davidson, Detective Swanson
Author: a_silver_story
Genre Humour
Rating: PG.
Warnings: Implied M.M
Disclaimer: If I owned anything in this, I'd be a rich rich rich bitch. However, I am not a rich rich rich bitch so you may all, therefore, assume I own nothing. Which I don't. It all belongs RTD and the BBC, in case any of you didn't know.
Summary: Ianto learns about Andy's detective skills ... and for whom Detective Swanson's heart really flutters ...
1 | Ianto and Gwen's IM's
2 | Ianto and Southern Comfort
3 | Skiving with Captain Andy
4 | Ianto and Jack's IMs
5 | Tosh? Gossiping? Never!
6 | What Toshiko Saw ... (Prose)
Last one for a bit now ... my typing fingers hurt!
8:30 PM
MR JONES has entered the conversation
JACK: It's in your inbox.
MR JONES: What is?
JACK: Whatever bit of paperwork you're chasing up. It's in your inbox
MR JONES: I'm not chasing up paperwork. I'm reporting an alert on the communications firewall.
JACK: The what firewall?
MR JONES: The firewall that picks up keywords in texts, e-mails and instant messengers. You use it a lot ...
JACK: Ahhh. Didn't realise it'd been named.
MR JONES: Anyway, it's picked up an IM conversation between our old friend Detective Swanson ... and Captain Andy Davidson, King of the Cops and Protector of Cardiff.
JACK: Ooo. Anything interesting?
MR JONES: Nothing much so far. I'll patch it through.
MR JONES: Any comments you or I make will be screened from them until we change the settings. They won't be able to see if we communicate.
JACK: Ok.
D. SWANSON: So what you're saying is ... Torchwood are gathering weapons?
CAPTAIN ANDY: I'm not sure, ma'am. There was a mention of an archive, and that 5% of it would be enough for Jones to be Batman.
CAPTAIN ANDY: Then there was a brief tiff about colour co-ordination between Harkness and Jones. I think they're, y'know ... at it.
MR JONES: Wow. Nothing gets past him.
D. SWANSON: So they're sending one of the team out to single handedly fight crime, and arguing over which one it should be?
JACK: We obviously decided on me, didn't we ... Alfred?
MR JONES: Oh. I thought I told you. I'm not Alfred anymore. I'm James Bond.
CAPTAIN ANDY: I think they were joking around ma'am. I don't think they were for serious. But they all seemed to agree that there was some form of archives with a lot of technology in them.
D. SWANSON: Do you have a copy of this conversation?
CAPTAIN ANDY: No.
MR JONES: He's lying. I've found his conversation history contains a copy, as well as a version he pasted into Word and saved from there.
JACK: Both of which will be disappearing soon?
MR JONES: Already gone.
JACK: I can't believe he's telling on us! *pouts*
MR JONES: We were never exactly gracious with him.
JACK: You were never exactly gracious with him :P
D. SWANSON: I'm sorry to have to pry like this PC Davidson. It's just the more we know about Torchwood, the better.
CAPTAIN ANDY: I've told you all I know, ma'am.
JACK: Ahhh. So he's been roped into telling.
D. SWANSON: I'm sure you have. Do really not know any more names?
CAPTAIN ANDY: Just Gwen Cooper, Jack Harkness and a Jones.
D. SWANSON: You know, the ID's we get at liason meetings are fake. Usually names from Sex and the City.
CAPTAIN ANDY: At least they have a sense of humour, ma'am.
JACK: Oh I know they're all from Sex and the City ...
JACK: Which reminds me ... Ianto, if you send me into a mission as "Mr. Big" again, I will not only re-arrange your DVD's again, but also shuffle about the DVD'S inside the boxes.
MR JONES: Point taken.
MR JONES: Your face was funny though. Had me and Gwen going for days :)
D. SWANSON: Are you absolutely sure you don't know Jones' first name?
CAPTAIN ANDY: If you dont' mind me asking, ma'am: why aren't you asking me these things in a professional context? We work in very close proximity.
D. SWANSON: It's important to gather information as immeadiately as possible. Are you sure you don't know Jones' first name? "Jones" is quite common and difficult to track.
CAPTAIN ANDY: Why do you want to track him?
JACK: because she fancies you.
MR JONES: Ha!
D. SWANSON: I have reasons. Know your enemy being one of them.
CAPTAIN ANDY: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, yeah?
D. SWANSON: Something like that.
JACK: She wants to loooove you, she wants to huuuuuuug you, she wants to kiiiiiiiiissss you!
CAPTAIN ANDY: Personal reasons?
CAPTAIN ANDY: I have it on good authority he's the "good-looking one".
D. SWANSON: PC Davidson! How dare you?
CAPTAIN ANDY: Sorry.
CAPTAIN ANDY: Heard a rumour in the office.
MR JONES: I'm the good-looking one again! Yay!
JACK: I can see your ego from here
MR JONES: I get my internet connection from the satellite orbiting your ego
JACK: Then be nice, or you'll lose connection. More importantly, you'll lose porn.
MR JONES: Who needs porn when they've been redirecting CCTV feeds and sending out loops ;)
JACK: Ooooohhh you bad bad man!
D. SWANSON: What rumour?
CAPTAIN ANDY: It's nothing.
CAPTAIN ANDY: Kerry said she saw you doodle "I heart Jones" in the last liason meeting. And that you only accepted his rudeness about instant coffee because you fancied him.
JACK: *wide eyed* TOLD YOU!
MR JONES: Hmmmm. Mrs. Detective Jones ....
JACK: Heyyyy! Don't try out your name with hers ... with the Mrs. Jones thing! That's not fair! What about Ianto Harkness?
MR JONES: Don't worry!
MR JONES: Swanson is bossy, arrogant, vain and a natural-born leader. Totally not my type :-P
D. SWANSON: People have been saying that?
CAPTAIN ANDY: Are you asking me questions about torchwood to get into his pants or not?
D. SWANSON: Is there any point any more? You said he was at it with Jack bloody Harkness.
CAPTAIN ANDY: I said it sounded like they were. I don't know anything other than what I could glean from that conversation.
CAPTAIN ANDY: Ma'am.
MR JONES: Swanson and Jones, sitting in a tree ...
JACK: *hmph*
D. SWANSON: Could you find out more from Gwen?
CAPTAIN ANDY: You really just want to know his name because you like him?
D. SWANSON: Yes.
CAPTAIN ANDY: Well ...
CAPTAIN ANDY: Ma'am ...
CAPTAIN ANDY: that's a tad bit stalkery.
MR JONES HAS REMOVED SCREENED COMMENTS
MR JONES: I find it quite flattering, actually.
D. SWANSON: What the ... ?
CAPTAIN ANDY: Ohhhhh here we go again ...
CAPTAIN ANDY: I knew they'd pick up on us ...
JACK: Hands off my fella, or I'll bitch slap you, Swanson.
MR JONES: Jack?
JACK: Yeah?
MR JONES: Shut up.
D. SWANSON: This is a secure connection! You're breaching confidentiality laws!
MR JONES: Actually, you're breaching our confidentiality laws, laid down by Queen Victoria herself.
JACK: Andy, you can't go telling people all about Torchwood because they ask you to ... but thanks for holding back.
MR JONES: We appreciate it :)
JACK: Especially if it saves us from strange stalker Detectives who can't find a Jones in a city full of Smiths.
D. SWANSON has left the conversation
CAPTAIN ANDY has left the conversation
MR JONES: Oh Jack. Leave her alone!
JACK: We always scare them off, don't we? ... and what was that about Queen Victoria's laws??
MR JONES: Made it up ... and you scare them off! She's quite a nice woman once you get past the ice-queen exterior, amazonian crust and to the heart of the tundra. I'd think.
JACK: Hmm. I think I need some reassurring you're not about to go running off with Swanny Swanson.
MR JONES: I'll send you the file as an attachment. I've got that admin to do.
JACK: *pouts* that's not the same!!
MR JONES: Uhhhh ... Jack?
MR JONES: Have you been messing with my computer? Some of our files are missing!
JACK: I never touched it, I swear. Remember the time I moved your monitor cleaning fluid and you felt the need to move my whole desk a metre to the right so that I'd feel disconcerted and wouldn't know why?
MR JONES: Give me a minute. I'm checking through my process history.
JACK: Okay.
MR JONES: It was Tosh! She went into my computer and stole some of our files!
JACK: The dirty little minx!!
MR JONES: I thought I was your dirty little minx :(
JACK: You're not the one hacking into other people's computers to get kinky kick times.
MR JONES: Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!
MR JONES: No. I'm the one who's going to be screwing you over her desk, not cleaning up afterwards ... and then burning the footage to a DVD clearly labeled "Are You Nosy Enough For This?".
JACK: You're as twisted as I am ... and I love it.
MR JONES: Whatever. Just get down into the main area.
MR JONES: ... and bring lube. Lots and lots of lube ...
JACK: *salutes*
MR JONES: Oh, and Jack?
MR JONES: The safeword's still lampshade.
JACK: Received and understood ... dirty little bastard.
IANTO has left the conversation
FIN
Next Part | Previous Part | a_silver_story's Fanfic Index
Chapter: 7
Characters: Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness, Andy Davidson, Detective Swanson
Author: a_silver_story
Genre Humour
Rating: PG.
Warnings: Implied M.M
Disclaimer: If I owned anything in this, I'd be a rich rich rich bitch. However, I am not a rich rich rich bitch so you may all, therefore, assume I own nothing. Which I don't. It all belongs RTD and the BBC, in case any of you didn't know.
Summary: Ianto learns about Andy's detective skills ... and for whom Detective Swanson's heart really flutters ...
1 | Ianto and Gwen's IM's
2 | Ianto and Southern Comfort
3 | Skiving with Captain Andy
4 | Ianto and Jack's IMs
5 | Tosh? Gossiping? Never!
6 | What Toshiko Saw ... (Prose)
Last one for a bit now ... my typing fingers hurt!
8:30 PM
MR JONES has entered the conversation
JACK: It's in your inbox.
MR JONES: What is?
JACK: Whatever bit of paperwork you're chasing up. It's in your inbox
MR JONES: I'm not chasing up paperwork. I'm reporting an alert on the communications firewall.
JACK: The what firewall?
MR JONES: The firewall that picks up keywords in texts, e-mails and instant messengers. You use it a lot ...
JACK: Ahhh. Didn't realise it'd been named.
MR JONES: Anyway, it's picked up an IM conversation between our old friend Detective Swanson ... and Captain Andy Davidson, King of the Cops and Protector of Cardiff.
JACK: Ooo. Anything interesting?
MR JONES: Nothing much so far. I'll patch it through.
MR JONES: Any comments you or I make will be screened from them until we change the settings. They won't be able to see if we communicate.
JACK: Ok.
D. SWANSON: So what you're saying is ... Torchwood are gathering weapons?
CAPTAIN ANDY: I'm not sure, ma'am. There was a mention of an archive, and that 5% of it would be enough for Jones to be Batman.
CAPTAIN ANDY: Then there was a brief tiff about colour co-ordination between Harkness and Jones. I think they're, y'know ... at it.
MR JONES: Wow. Nothing gets past him.
D. SWANSON: So they're sending one of the team out to single handedly fight crime, and arguing over which one it should be?
JACK: We obviously decided on me, didn't we ... Alfred?
MR JONES: Oh. I thought I told you. I'm not Alfred anymore. I'm James Bond.
CAPTAIN ANDY: I think they were joking around ma'am. I don't think they were for serious. But they all seemed to agree that there was some form of archives with a lot of technology in them.
D. SWANSON: Do you have a copy of this conversation?
CAPTAIN ANDY: No.
MR JONES: He's lying. I've found his conversation history contains a copy, as well as a version he pasted into Word and saved from there.
JACK: Both of which will be disappearing soon?
MR JONES: Already gone.
JACK: I can't believe he's telling on us! *pouts*
MR JONES: We were never exactly gracious with him.
JACK: You were never exactly gracious with him :P
D. SWANSON: I'm sorry to have to pry like this PC Davidson. It's just the more we know about Torchwood, the better.
CAPTAIN ANDY: I've told you all I know, ma'am.
JACK: Ahhh. So he's been roped into telling.
D. SWANSON: I'm sure you have. Do really not know any more names?
CAPTAIN ANDY: Just Gwen Cooper, Jack Harkness and a Jones.
D. SWANSON: You know, the ID's we get at liason meetings are fake. Usually names from Sex and the City.
CAPTAIN ANDY: At least they have a sense of humour, ma'am.
JACK: Oh I know they're all from Sex and the City ...
JACK: Which reminds me ... Ianto, if you send me into a mission as "Mr. Big" again, I will not only re-arrange your DVD's again, but also shuffle about the DVD'S inside the boxes.
MR JONES: Point taken.
MR JONES: Your face was funny though. Had me and Gwen going for days :)
D. SWANSON: Are you absolutely sure you don't know Jones' first name?
CAPTAIN ANDY: If you dont' mind me asking, ma'am: why aren't you asking me these things in a professional context? We work in very close proximity.
D. SWANSON: It's important to gather information as immeadiately as possible. Are you sure you don't know Jones' first name? "Jones" is quite common and difficult to track.
CAPTAIN ANDY: Why do you want to track him?
JACK: because she fancies you.
MR JONES: Ha!
D. SWANSON: I have reasons. Know your enemy being one of them.
CAPTAIN ANDY: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, yeah?
D. SWANSON: Something like that.
JACK: She wants to loooove you, she wants to huuuuuuug you, she wants to kiiiiiiiiissss you!
CAPTAIN ANDY: Personal reasons?
CAPTAIN ANDY: I have it on good authority he's the "good-looking one".
D. SWANSON: PC Davidson! How dare you?
CAPTAIN ANDY: Sorry.
CAPTAIN ANDY: Heard a rumour in the office.
MR JONES: I'm the good-looking one again! Yay!
JACK: I can see your ego from here
MR JONES: I get my internet connection from the satellite orbiting your ego
JACK: Then be nice, or you'll lose connection. More importantly, you'll lose porn.
MR JONES: Who needs porn when they've been redirecting CCTV feeds and sending out loops ;)
JACK: Ooooohhh you bad bad man!
D. SWANSON: What rumour?
CAPTAIN ANDY: It's nothing.
CAPTAIN ANDY: Kerry said she saw you doodle "I heart Jones" in the last liason meeting. And that you only accepted his rudeness about instant coffee because you fancied him.
JACK: *wide eyed* TOLD YOU!
MR JONES: Hmmmm. Mrs. Detective Jones ....
JACK: Heyyyy! Don't try out your name with hers ... with the Mrs. Jones thing! That's not fair! What about Ianto Harkness?
MR JONES: Don't worry!
MR JONES: Swanson is bossy, arrogant, vain and a natural-born leader. Totally not my type :-P
D. SWANSON: People have been saying that?
CAPTAIN ANDY: Are you asking me questions about torchwood to get into his pants or not?
D. SWANSON: Is there any point any more? You said he was at it with Jack bloody Harkness.
CAPTAIN ANDY: I said it sounded like they were. I don't know anything other than what I could glean from that conversation.
CAPTAIN ANDY: Ma'am.
MR JONES: Swanson and Jones, sitting in a tree ...
JACK: *hmph*
D. SWANSON: Could you find out more from Gwen?
CAPTAIN ANDY: You really just want to know his name because you like him?
D. SWANSON: Yes.
CAPTAIN ANDY: Well ...
CAPTAIN ANDY: Ma'am ...
CAPTAIN ANDY: that's a tad bit stalkery.
MR JONES HAS REMOVED SCREENED COMMENTS
MR JONES: I find it quite flattering, actually.
D. SWANSON: What the ... ?
CAPTAIN ANDY: Ohhhhh here we go again ...
CAPTAIN ANDY: I knew they'd pick up on us ...
JACK: Hands off my fella, or I'll bitch slap you, Swanson.
MR JONES: Jack?
JACK: Yeah?
MR JONES: Shut up.
D. SWANSON: This is a secure connection! You're breaching confidentiality laws!
MR JONES: Actually, you're breaching our confidentiality laws, laid down by Queen Victoria herself.
JACK: Andy, you can't go telling people all about Torchwood because they ask you to ... but thanks for holding back.
MR JONES: We appreciate it :)
JACK: Especially if it saves us from strange stalker Detectives who can't find a Jones in a city full of Smiths.
D. SWANSON has left the conversation
CAPTAIN ANDY has left the conversation
MR JONES: Oh Jack. Leave her alone!
JACK: We always scare them off, don't we? ... and what was that about Queen Victoria's laws??
MR JONES: Made it up ... and you scare them off! She's quite a nice woman once you get past the ice-queen exterior, amazonian crust and to the heart of the tundra. I'd think.
JACK: Hmm. I think I need some reassurring you're not about to go running off with Swanny Swanson.
MR JONES: I'll send you the file as an attachment. I've got that admin to do.
JACK: *pouts* that's not the same!!
MR JONES: Uhhhh ... Jack?
MR JONES: Have you been messing with my computer? Some of our files are missing!
JACK: I never touched it, I swear. Remember the time I moved your monitor cleaning fluid and you felt the need to move my whole desk a metre to the right so that I'd feel disconcerted and wouldn't know why?
MR JONES: Give me a minute. I'm checking through my process history.
JACK: Okay.
MR JONES: It was Tosh! She went into my computer and stole some of our files!
JACK: The dirty little minx!!
MR JONES: I thought I was your dirty little minx :(
JACK: You're not the one hacking into other people's computers to get kinky kick times.
MR JONES: Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!
MR JONES: No. I'm the one who's going to be screwing you over her desk, not cleaning up afterwards ... and then burning the footage to a DVD clearly labeled "Are You Nosy Enough For This?".
JACK: You're as twisted as I am ... and I love it.
MR JONES: Whatever. Just get down into the main area.
MR JONES: ... and bring lube. Lots and lots of lube ...
JACK: *salutes*
MR JONES: Oh, and Jack?
MR JONES: The safeword's still lampshade.
JACK: Received and understood ... dirty little bastard.
IANTO has left the conversation
FIN
Next Part | Previous Part | a_silver_story's Fanfic Index