Comments | _survivors_: not sure what to do.

ellikatfan07 in _survivors_

not sure what to do.

Aug 23, 2007 00:58

I am taking karate, and tonight was the first night of fall semester. Most of the people were new. There is this one guy in my class who seriously reminds me SO much of shane a guy that sexually assualted and harrassed me for three years. He doesn't look like him but he has the same cold and mean look and mannerisms as him. He kept giving me the ( Read more... )

triggers: reminder of abuser

Comments 9

whirlwitch August 23 2007, 07:43:52 UTC

I get triggered by people who look or act like my abusers. I take Aquafit, and I have had problems with one man in one class who I think looks like an abuser (I can't be sure). He doesn't do anything in particular, but the circumstances of the class call for all of us to be standing and moving around in close proximity to each other, wearing only bathing suits. I've had two classes with him in them, and been triggered both times. The second time wasn't as bad, even though he accidentally touched my butt.

based on my experience, I'd say you should try another class to see if he's less triggering for you the second time. If not, maybe you should quit. The problem here is that he not only looks like your abuser, but his mannerisms suggest that he is the same kind of person.

ellikatfan07 August 23 2007, 16:26:55 UTC

wow. I would be so uncomfortable espically in a bathing suit. thank you for your advice, I will contiue to go and just deal with what happens. Hopefully though, he doesn't continue to trigger me because I really like this class.

friend_of_tofu August 23 2007, 07:55:04 UTC

Umm, this is a tricky one. I believe very strongly that *we* should not be the ones being deprived because we had the misfortune to suffer abuse - it's like a double punishment. However, it's true that there's not a lot of benefit in you causing yourself needless upset either. I would certainly suggest trying a couple more times to see if the feelings are less bad - after all, if he's new, he also may not stay in class ( ... )

ellikatfan07 August 23 2007, 16:36:05 UTC

Well see he is new but he came with his girlfriend and she seems to like the class so It looks like they may stay, who knows things happen.

I introduced myself to all the new people on break, and asked their names and everything and I got to him and he just gave me a really mean look and said "jim" (thats not his acutal name) and I was like nice to meet you and he was like "okay"... and then the rest of the class when I was practicing with other people I noticed him staring at me and just looking meanly. Maybe I was being paranoid but I did not feel comfortable at all.

My instructor said she would keep an eye out for him, so that makes me feel a little better. I know he couldn't hurt me in class and since he has a girlfriend with him I don't think he could out of class but you never know.

My other classmate commented about the same guy wondering if he was just a huge prick or if he was just creepy.SO I guess I am not the only one to notice him and his behavior.

thank you and yes this does help very much:)

boidragon August 23 2007, 13:23:22 UTC

I've had similar experiences with classmates at college. I try to put as much distance as possible between us and limit conversation. If we need to work together, I try to focus on the work at hand and try not to look at him - not always possible. I have had good experiences with some people who look like the guy who raped me, but that's always been in a public, group setting where I know I am safe and people will help me out if I'm in trouble.

I'd give it a week, see how you feel, and then evaluate the situation. Good luck! & stay safe.

ellikatfan07 August 23 2007, 16:39:39 UTC

Thank you, yeah that is what I figured the less I talk to him and am around him the less he will be triggering. Thankfully I am a rank above him so I won't be working with him much, but I know there are times I will have to.

sistahraven August 23 2007, 13:40:00 UTC

I had a similar experience when I was studying Aikido. I opted to stay in the class - since my sensei knew my apprehensions about working with this guy, I didn't have to work with him often. And the few times I did work with him, it gave me an opportunity to try to concentrate on my forms while I was distracted and/or nervous. I tried to look at it as practice for if I had to defend myself outside the dojo - to help me practice trying to get things done while my brain wasn't entirely focused ( ... )

ellikatfan07 August 23 2007, 16:48:51 UTC

oh, I love your icon!:)

"I tried to look at it as practice for if I had to defend myself outside the dojo - to help me practice trying to get things done while my brain wasn't entirely focused."

that is a really good idea and I never thought of the situation like that. I'm thinking i'll continue until at least i get to know his personality more by watching him in class-- and if I am still triggered then I know what to do.

See nobody else in my class knows how I feel about him or anything and they don't have an idea that i was sexually assualted, well that I know of. So I would feel so stupid if I did freak out or get even more triggered.

I'll see how it goes, I am just going to focus on my things I need to do in class and try not to pay attention to what he may be doing. Luckily I'll be in a different group than him (acrossed the room) for the most part.

thank you so much for the advice!!

sistahraven August 23 2007, 18:10:41 UTC

Another thing to remember when you're in class is that one out of every three to four women and one out of every six men have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime - so there's probably another survivor in the class with you. If you do get triggered, it's likely that there will be someone in the class with you who will understand :)