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This is the worst I’ve felt in two decades.

Despite you dying. And despite you dying, too. Shit, despite me dying twice. Despite the death of innumerable dreams. Despite the birth/lives/deaths of nightmares. Two decades worth of countless different lifetimes. (Kevin…K.C.? Just pick one. And yet I don’t. And yet I cant) 4 lives. 4 eras. 4 attempts. 4

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[entertainghosts]

You know I’ve been grappling a lot with the concept of mortality lately and the only thing I know for sure is that none of us escape it. For some, it comes in the one way we usually conceptualize it. For others, including both of us, it’s a bit more complicated and comes in different ways and more than once. You are far more than normal, so it’s not surprising that “normal life” feels uncomfortable for you. Except for the part about cats, I could have written that last paragraph. Not only was I more comfortable with turmoil and chaos, but I thought I could control it. For the better part of a decade it was my entire life to control it until I was humbled in the most unimaginable way. But death isn’t defeat. For those of us (un)lucky enough to experience it, we know what the stakes are. We know what’s worth fighting for, or better yet…what’s worth dying for. We just don’t always remember that we do when all we can feel is the weight. I’ve told you before we can’t change the past. We can’t be the people we once were and we can’t blame

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It’s not my deaths that bother me

[entertainghosts]

And yet it’s all connected.