Dyatlov Pass Sequel - All Our Passing Nights - [Chapter 8/12]
Title: Dyatlov Pass - All Our Passing Nights.
Author: x_carnivale_x
Pairing: Bam/Ville, et all.
Rating: R/NC17. for mentions of sex, violence, gore, and horror.
Summary: That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange aeons, even death may die.
Author's Notes: Another dream sequence, along with some drama within the friends. Also, Jess is finally in the picture.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One // Chapter Two // Chapter Three // Chapter Four // Chapter Five // Chapter Six // Chapter Seven
For those that want to read the original story, here is a link to the full story. [Starts at the last chapter, all previous chapters are linked.]
Dyatlov Pass - The Original
Bam didn't sleep for the rest of that night. He left the picture on the floor and pushed himself to the other side of the bed, curling up against the headboard, desperately trying to stay as far away from the photo as possible. And yet, he couldn't shift his gaze elsewhere. He sat, his back against the headboard, and stared over to the other side of the bed. He couldn't see the picture lying on the carpet, but he knew it still rested there. He left the bathroom light on, bathing the room in a white, distant light. No matter how still he sat, no matter how slowly he tried to breathe, he never could steady out his chest - and every now and then, the thought would drift in and out of his mind that he wished he had Ville's inhaler. He waited. He breathed. He almost prayed for daylight.
The bag of ice on his bed had long since melted, and he eyed it warily, knowing that the condensation from it had drenched the bedsheets, and that it probably wouldn't even be dry by the next evening. There would be a big cold spot in the bed just waiting for him. He glanced to his ankle, noting that the swelling was almost gone. It hadn't been a bad sprain - enough to hurt, but not to hinder him. He sighed and wanted it to be better.
Dawn came, and small tendrils of light slipped in through the blinds. Bam couldn't help but feel tired and weary, and his body felt heavy. It was morning - it wasn't time to sleep - and he still felt restless and uneasy... but he was tired. He tried to sit up a little more straightly, but all it did was help him lean a little more heavily against the headboard of the bed. He curled his knees a little more, and blinked heavily, eyes still staring across the bed and to the floor, where the edge of the bed just blocked his view of the picture. He inhaled slowly and let his eyes linger shut for a moment, before steadily forcing them back open. He wanted to keep them open so badly, but they were so heavy, and his body felt so worn, and he was just tired. He closed his eyes once more, drifting off into sleep mostly against his will.
He opened his eyes slowly, almost blinded by a sudden glimmer of afternoon light. He didn't know where he was, but it was quiet, and the walls were a whitish-green - pale and bare. He looked around, noticing quickly that he was sitting on a bed. He could feel the presence of someone sitting next to him. He sighed.
"I think it's strange." Bam muttered quietly, turning his head to stare at the man sitting to his left.
"What's strange?" Ville questioned calmly.
"The most I've heard you talk since all of this started... has been in my dreams..." He let out a breath. "I wish you had talked more back... during all that."
Ville just glanced over at him sadly.
"You know I couldn't."
"I know. But sometimes... I just needed it. Like now. I don't need you just... here. I don't need you just in my dreams."
"Who says I'm in your dreams?"
Bam scoffed.
"Don't be stupid. Where else would you be?"
Ville sighed.
"....I don't rightly know." He mumbled sadly as he let his eyes glance down and away from Bam, his head hanging and his gaze resting on their feet that pressed against the carpet - an almost ashamed tone to the older man's voice. Bam followed the stare, suddenly surprised that the room was carpeted, and that he hadn't even noticed it. But he sighed and felt a quick sense of guilt hit him. He raised his hand and placed it on Ville's cheek, his palm flat and pressing lightly against the stubble that was there. He leaned forward and kissed Ville's cheek lightly.
"Why do you keep coming here?"
"Maybe I just miss you, Bam."
Bam inhaled slowly.
"Maybe I miss you too." He paused, letting his fingers stroke Ville's cheek lightly, as if to reassure him. Of what, Bam didn't know. "I'm... I'm so glad you're here, though. I'm a little bit terrified, and really really fucking confused... and it hurts so bad, but I'm... content right now... Things aren't right without you."
"You'll be okay." Ville muttered, avoiding looking over at Bam, and Bam could hear the lie in Ville's whisper. It wasn't like Ville to lie.
"...I can't do this, Ville." And Ville's gaze turned back up to meet Bam's, and Bam went silent for moment, for once in what felt like an eternity catching a glimpse of those striking green eyes - vivid and vibrant. "Can't do all this... just keep going like this. I-I miss you so much I can't stand it." He licked his lips slowly, and he saw as Ville's eyes calmed, they almost paused, and for a moment, Bam was lost in their momentary emptiness. "I don't wanna sleep... I don't wanna be awake..."
"How do you know you're dreaming right now? What if this right here is what's real? And everything else is just a dream?"
"It isn't." Bam said. And Ville blinked slowly. "It just isn't... And I just know, okay?"
Ville nodded slowly, staring down at their toes again. But he leant his body closer, pressing his shoulder up against Bam's, and Bam felt his head rest on his shoulder lightly. The younger man turned his head slightly and pressed a kiss against his forehead, sighing quietly and letting his head rest atop of Ville's.
"But I don't care." Bam finally breathed quietly, his breath ghosting over Ville's ebony hair. He felt Ville raise his head off his shoulder and he stared at him with silent concern.
"I'm so scared, Bam."
Ville looked away from him.
"I'm pretty fuckin' scared too."
"No..." Ville paused and stared down at his fingers resting in his lap. "No, I-I'm scared for you. But... But I need you."
"I need you too..." Bam mumbled, slipping his hand over towards Ville's lap, hesitantly grabbing onto his fingers. But before he could even register the gesture, Ville was yanking out of his grip and standing up from the bed.
"No, Bam!"
Bam didn't say anything, just stared up at Ville with exasperation and confusion. He breathed heavily through his nose, and he almost wanted to stand and yell back in Ville's face. He didn't even know why. But he stayed silent and waited. Ville said nothing, and it took Bam a minute before he realized Ville was crying. Bam licked his lips and stood slowly, taking a step towards Ville - for a moment, he saw Ville falter, and almost step back, before he stuttered out brokenly.
"B-Bam. D-don't leave me there."
Bam furrowed his brow, his expression softening, mouth falling slack. He strode towards Ville fully, backing him up against the wall, and he hated the way small droplets of water still slipped down his cheeks - breathless, wordless tears by then, and his face was red, eyelids puffy, and Bam could see the color drain out of those meadow green eyes. He stepped a bit closer, pressing his and Ville's chests together, and he felt Ville's hands grip his shirt tightly.
"Bam... Bam, why- why did you..." He whimpered quietly. Bam wrapped his arms around him as best he could - one arm circling his waist, hand pressing into the small of his back, the other threaded into Ville's hair, cradling his head as he leaned against Bam's body. Ville pressed his forehead into Bam's neck, and the older man could hear the choked sob that slipped back Ville's lips. He nudged his shoulder a little, forcing Ville's head up to look at him. Bam stared at him for a moment, dead silent, breathing heavily through his nose, before tilting his head down to capture Ville's lips firmly. He exhaled slowly, lips still connected, and he parted gently, mumbling into Ville's mouth.
"I'm sorry."
Bam kissed him again, and he felt Ville whimper sadly, could feel Ville's arms tightening around his body, could feel Ville's hands pressing against his back. He broke away only for a moment.
"God, I am so..." Another breathy kiss. "Sorry."
He felt Ville's knees bend, give out, but he had a firm hand around his waist. He kissed him harder, the grip in Ville's hair tightening and Ville whimpered into the touch. They shifted places slowly, Bam leaning his back against the wall, Ville leaning against him. He felt Ville cling to him more tightly, fingers twisting up in Bam's shirt, and he still felt cold. He paused for a moment and broke his lips away from Ville, and he seemed to follow Bam's lips, whimpering as Bam's mouth detached from his, trying to follow it.
"No... no, don't."
"Shhh." Bam said reassuringly, threading his fingers through Ville's hair and pulling his head to his neck, cradling him softly, feeling Ville's body pressing into his. He felt Ville shudder, drawing his hands in towards himself, wedging them between his body and Bam's. Bam just held him, carding his fingers through Ville's locks, savoring the feeling of just having him there. But Ville trembled in his grip, and Bam could hear and feel his fingers toying with the chain that looped around Bam's neck. Ville's dog tags. Ville pushed up and away from Bam a little, still staring at the spot on Bam's tshirt-covered chest where the dog tags fell. He swallowed thickly and reached forward to hold onto them, eying them curiously.
"Are-are these yours? When did you get your own?" Ville asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
"No, they're yours. You should know that."
"...N-No... I have mine. They're right... they're..."
Ville fumbled around his neck, but found no chain, and even pulled his collar aside to investigate further. When he didn't find them there, he turned his attention to his pockets, stuffing his fingers into them and fumbling around for the tags that Bam knew he wouldn't find. He started to get frantic, pushing himself away from Bam to try to find the chain. Bam watched on, reaching out to Ville to stop his desperate movements. He grabbed onto Ville's wrists and ceased his fumbling, and Ville just stared up at him, his eyes glassy and red and worried and trembling. Bam sighed and pulled Ville close again. Bam couldn't help the way he clung to the younger man.
"Bam..."
"Ville, I tried..."
"But... you... and I."
"...God I'm so sorry..."
Bam's grip on Ville loosened at the sudden sound of weakness and vulnerability that grazed Ville's voice. Ville pulled away, and Bam couldn't look at him. Instead he hung his head and breathed. Breathed. He breathed. He listened for Ville's breaths - he didn't hear them. He listened for Ville, anything about him, the way he swallowed, his voice, the sound his clothes made when he moved. At least Bam could hear him.
"I want to stay here with you..." Ville mumbled quietly - desperately - enough to make Bam quiver and he bit his lip and told himself that dreams weren't supposed to be able to hurt you.
"Ville, god... I tried, baby, please, I tried."
He could feel Ville shaking and without thinking he pulled Ville to his lips forcefully, pursing them firmly against the older man's again. Ville felt weak in his arms, vulnerable, thin, and frail, and it was unfamiliar to Bam - Ville had always been small, thin, but never frail... If anything, Bam would've always said that Ville was stronger than he was... Bam wondered if he'd ever see the Ville he really knew again. But he held on tightly - he had to. It was all Ville needed, all Bam needed. To just hold more tightly, kiss more firmly, and breathe more deeply. They always had to breathe - just keep breathing, just remember his breath, just remember the way his body feels when he breathes in deeply. Bam tried to remember that song, tried to remember how it went.
Breathe, keep breathing.
Don't lose your nerve.
Breathe, keep breathing.
I can't do this alone.
Bam felt Ville exhale - the breath from Ville's nose seeping over Bam's cheeks and it made him shudder as it drifted over him. The breath and life of something from the past here with him, and Bam could've died a happy man. And he pulled back to beg Ville to stay, his eyes still closed, and before he spoke he ran his tongue across his lips. He paused on a dime - he tasted something coppery, metallic, something cold on his lip. He tasted blood and his eyelids snapped open to stare at Ville. A thin line of red dripped from Ville's nose to his upper lip, seemingly unnoticed by the older man. He stared unceremoniously before forcing his lips to move.
"You-you're bleeding."
Ville seemed to snap to attention, his hand flinging up to his nose to wipe underneath it. He eyed the small trail of red that was left across his hand from the action, and he quickly tried to wipe away whatever was left on his face - but he failed, only managing to smear the blood a little more as the trickle hadn't died.
"No, no..." He stuttered. "I-I'm fine, just."
"Goddamnit, Ville, you're fucking ble-"
"Leave it!" Ville shouted as he pushed away from Bam, his feet stumbling back and away a couple of paces.
"Ville, I never wanted-" Bam stopped when Ville stared up at him - his green eyes turning grey and listless and Bam felt like a failure. The blood still dripped from his nose and Bam tried to step forward, but Ville shied away, letting his knees bend to collapse to a sitting position on the floor.
"Bam, don't..." He begged quietly, staring at the floor. Bam looked down over him and could see the tiny drop of red that landed lightly on the tile beneath them. He shivered and bent down towards him, speaking quietly.
"Ville, I'm sorry, god, I'm so sorry. Don't-don't push me away, please. God, fuck, Ville please."
He reached his hand out to touch Ville, but before he'd even made the contact, he felt a sickening tightness in his chest, and he slouched over from it, just trying to breathe. He always had to keep breathing, but the surging pain was enough to knock the air out of him, to suffocate him. He forced his eyes to open to look at Ville. The Finn stared at him with worry and fear but he didn't move. Bam couldn't speak, he could only see the terror etched on Ville's face, and he felt that he'd been punched in the stomach - in all literal and metaphorical senses. Ville stared, and Bam trembled, and Ville was scared, and Bam waited for the pain to stop, but it didn't. Instead he heard Ville say his name, but it was so faint that he sounded as if he were yelling it from across a field.
"Bam....."
So faint and faraway, but he could stare at Ville still, he was right fucking there. Bam reached his hand out to Ville to touch him and Ville tried to reach back and take it, but as their fingers touched Bam felt another surge. His body felt as if he'd been shoved roughly and painfully, and he ungracefully stumbled backwards towards the wall, his rear finding the floor, his back falling against the tiled wall, and his head slamming into it as well, and Bam could taste blood again.
Bam's eyes flung open with a start, as his still-sitting body twitched in shock of its own accord, causing his head to slam back into the headboard of the bed roughly. Bam cringed and his hand gripped the back of his head, muttering a quiet obscenity into the empty room followed by a pained groan. He let his body slump over to the side, his hand still gripping his head, and tried to refocus himself. He groaned and forced himself to sit back up and to look at the clock. The numbers were blurry at first, but it was light enough in the room, it was only about 9:30am. He'd only slept for a couple of hours. He paused and told himself to listen, as he heard voices coming from the downstairs kitchen - it seemed as if his friends were awake at least. But there was an extra voice, a familiar one, and Bam toned in his ears just a little. He couldn't understand the conversation, it was just sound, really, but he knew that voice.
Jess.
He rose from the bed, purposefully ignoring the picture that still lay on the floor. He was tentative with his ankle, but pleased to see that when he put some cautious pressure on it, it didn't hurt as badly. He could actually hobble much more effectively this time. He limped towards his bag and stripped Ville's white shirt and grabbed one of his own black ones. He didn't bother to change pants, figuring it would be too difficult with his ankle. He'd cross that bridge when he absolutely had to. He sighed and ran a hand through his messy locks, shuffling them up, noticing that they weren't actually fully dry from his shower several hours before. But Bam let the thought go, turning to the door to leave the bedroom, but before he did, he paused, turned around, and without even looking at it, snatched the picture up from the floor and shoved it into the pocket of his pants. He left the room as quietly as he could and limped slowly down the hallway - it seemed impossibly long, five and a half minutes long - and he used the wall to help support him as he walked. He could hear his friends better now, could fully hear the conversation, and he didn't feel the slightest remorse when he slowed his pace even more and eavesdropped.
"But no, like I was saying. He's... I don't know. I guess he's about the same. He's had some incidents, but I suppose nothing unmanageable. But he's certainly not better about any of this." He heard Ryan say. Bam assumed she was speaking to his brother. He swallowed and paused in the hallway, waiting on a response.
"Ape's been a mess." Jess mumbled. Bam swallowed thickly and tried not to think about his mother, and about how she hadn't seen or called him either. He shook his head and finished the walk down the hallway.
"I can imagine. I'm so sorry, Jess. Well, I'm sure he'll at least be glad to see you... maybe family can-" Bam cut Ryan off by clearing his throat when he entered the kitchen. Everyone turned to look at him, and Mige plastered on a smile and moved to hug him, muttering a good morning to him. Ryan walked over and put his hand on Bam's shoulder, motioning towards his ankle with his other hand.
"How's the foot?"
"Better. Not entirely, still kind of have to gimp it, but it's better. Thanks..."
Bam looked up at Jess, barely catching his eyes before his older brother quickly averted his gaze. Bam licked his lips steadily and glanced at his friends pleadingly. Linde caught the glance first and cleared his throat, beginning to usher the others out of the kitchen and into the living room quickly, saying that they should leave the brothers alone. Bam nodded his thanks and returned his gaze to Jess, who still stared aimlessly at the floor. Bam sighed and limped towards the table, sliding down into a chair and turning his head to stare out to the patio through the windows. It was bright outside, but the kind of bright that he knew wouldn't hinder the cold. Sunny but cold. There was a breeze. A few of the trees across the yard were swaying gently, and Bam forced himself to look away as Jess steadily [nervously] lowered into the chair to Bam's left. The brothers sat in silence for a few moments, neither looking at each other. Bam drummed his fingers quietly on the table and Jess jiggled his leg. Bam could hear Jess's mouth open to speak, but he cut him off.
"Bam, I-"
"Why am I just now hearing from you?"
"It's just-."
"No excuses... Jess, where-where have you been?"
"I've been home. Mom's a wreck."
"...Why hasn't she seen me either?"
"Man, I. I couldn't just... I couldn't just bring her here."
"You didn't even call me."
"You know I couldn't have."
"Don't give me that bullshit."
"Goddamnit, Bam, look at yourself... Look at what happened!"
"I'm well aware of what happened, Jess, but it's no excu-"
"No, come on, Bam. This has been a wreck on us too. Mom's been trying to help out Ville's mother, but I know she's just as bad as her cause she's thinking about Ville and especially about you. I couldn't just bring her out here, especially not when, from what Mige and Ryan have told me, you're still having... episodes, I guess you could call them. And-and not to mention... this shit is hard, Bam. Don't you think I was a little fucking distraught too?"
"Distraught enough to just not bother to check in on me or Ville?"
"...I have been checking in. I've been in constant contact with Mige and Ryan since Ville first went missing - do you honestly think I wouldn't have kept myself updated on where my brother and his best friend were? So don't give me any bullshit about how I didn't care. You know I care... But Bam, it's-it's hard. Hard to see you like this. So cut me some slack, okay?" Jess paused and looked away, and if Bam had wanted to admit it, he would've mentioned that he was pretty sure Jess was crying. But Bam didn't want to think about that. Jess licked his lips, wiped his face quickly and looked back up at Bam. "I was scared as shit, I didn't know if I could handle seeing you like this... let alone, fuck, let alone have Ape or Phil see you like this."
"...I needed you here."
"I know that."
"And... and you weren't. At all."
"I was scared."
"And you think I wasn't?"
"I know you were. I know you are. And I'm here now."
"That doesn't change a damn thing, Jess."
"I-I'm sorry, I really am."
Bam didn't bother to reply. Jess licked his lips and put his hand on Bam's forearm that rested on the table.
"Bam... I'm sorry. But I'm here now... so man, just... just talk to me. What's been going on?"
Bam didn't respond, just stayed silent and staring anywhere but at his brother. Jess's grip on Bam's forearm tightened a bit - merely to gain his attention.
"I mean... You- well, you're obviously not okay."
"Ding ding, what do we have for him, Johnny?" Bam deadpanned. Jess breathed in deeply - Bam assumed it was to calm himself, but he couldn't bring himself to care.
"Bam, please..."
Bam sighed.
"I just... I can't get him out of my head."
"Who? Ville?"
"Who the fuck else? Ugh, sorry. I'm sorry. I just... everything. I can't, can't fucking forget it."
"Mige says you're in your head a lot."
"I don't know. I just can't stop thinking about it."
Jess blinked heavily and let out a breath.
"Bam, what is it? There's something you're not telling me."
Bam sighed, slipping his fingers into his pocket and pulling out the picture quickly. He slid it across the table towards Jess, the picture facing upwards so his brother could see it.
"Do you remember that picture?"
Jess nodded slowly.
"Yeah, New Years, right?"
"I took it from one of Ville's photo albums... just to keep. I labeled it. When I looked at it again today, my label had been marked out... something else written over it. I didn't do that... Flip it over..."
Jess picked up the picture and flipped to the back side of it and Bam turned his head away. He waited for Jess's shocked and bewildered questions, but they didn't come. Instead, all he heard was,
"Bam... nothing's marked out... It's just labeled."
Bam's head perked up quickly and he fumbled for the picture, taking it out of Jess's grasp.
"What? No, that's not possible." He flipped it over, looking to the back, and yet... There was nothing there. Just...
Ville and Bam. New Years 2008.
My kulta.
Bam breathed nervously.
"But... but, no, no, no, it was here... I swear to god... It was just..."
Bam dropped the picture to the table and placed his elbows on the wood, pressing his hands over his face as he felt his body start to quiver. He tried to keep himself from hyperventilating, but with each inhale, his breaths only became more ragged. He counted to himself silently, breathing out a self-assuring "okay" with every exhale. When he could finally steady himself decently, he spoke into his hands, his voice muffled slightly. But he had to ask it.
"Were you there?"
"Where?"
"Ville's funeral..."
Jess breathed steadily.
"I was there."
"You saw him?"
"Excuse me?"
Bam twitched and pulled his hands to his face, letting his fists fall to the table unceremoniously.
"You saw Ville..."
"Yeah... I did."
"He was there?"
"Bam, what the fuck are you talking about?"
Bam licked his lips firmly and hit his hand on the table.
"In the casket, you saw him in the fucking casket?!" Bam shouted. He suddenly heard a number of footsteps migrating towards the kitchen at the resonating sound of his voice. He saw Jess glance to the door where the others were entering, but Bam wouldn't have it. He stood as best he could and as quickly as he could. "Jess, was his body in the goddamn casket?" Mige stepped in quickly.
"Bam!" He said, putting his hand on his arm, he merely wrenched away.
"No, tell me!"
"Bam, stop this." He said firmly. He turned his glare to Mige, staring down over him.
"No, this is a simple fucking question. Was Ville's body in the casket that you buried?"
Without a moment's pause, Bam felt the warm sting of a slap across his face. He looked back at Mige, slightly stunned and ready to speak, but he silenced himself the minute he saw his face. His brow was firm, face rigid, but Bam could see that even through the anger, his bottom lip quivered against the tight line of his mouth. He licked his lips, perhaps to calm himself and looked up at him. His voice was quaky when he spoke, but it was still calm, and firm, and it told Bam that he better not say another word.
"You unbelievable asshole... How... How dare you even imply something like that. That... that we're involved in this whole fucking thing?!" He asked with disbelief, voice cracking slightly.
"Just tell me-" Bam started, but Mige cut him off.
"He was in the goddamn... casket, Brandon." He said slowly but strongly, looking down and away from him. Bam could hear the quiver in his voice. "His hair was a little long. He was wearing... that same black pin-stripe button down shirt that you loved... And goddamnit, Bam..." His voice broke and Bam backed up a step, even on his injured ankle, persisting through the pain for the sake of avoiding the fact that Mige was crying. "Goddamnit, Bam... It was so fucking hard to watch them close it and put him in the ground... So how fucking dare you..."
"Mige, I-"
"Please... just don't." He muttered quietly, putting his hand up to him. Bam hung his head.
"I just don't know what to think anymore..."
"We don't either, Bam..." Ryan said.
Bam slid slowly back into the chair, and he couldn't stop the way the tears slid down his cheeks. He stared past his friends with an emptiness in his stare. His voice was meek and broken.
"What-what aren't you telling me?"
Jess moved to squat beside him, his hands resting on Bam's knees.
"We're telling you everything, Bam... He was buried... We were there... You saw his grave, you know he's there..."
"But-but the picture."
Jess hung his head for a moment and sputtered, looking back up at Bam with a quivering stare and red-rimmed eyes.
"Baby bro, there's nothing on the picture... Nothing. Just what you wrote..."
"No..."
"Bam, he's dead."
"No..." Bam pushed out, his voice no louder than a squeak.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't here."
"Just tell me..."
"Bam stop." Johnny chimed in quietly. Jess lurched up and enveloped Bam in a firm hug, and Bam just let it happen, trying to calm himself. He stared at the wall behind Jess and waited, his tears subsiding. He moved his stare back to the table where the photo still rested, the writing completely unchanged. He sighed and pushed Jess away, bracing himself on the table to stand up as steadily as he could. He shuffled away, back towards his room, leaving his friends in the kitchen. Before he exited, he paused in the doorway, turning around to look at them.
"...I don't know what it is... But there's more... And I know it. It's fucking with me... with Ville. But, but I'll sort it out."
He turned and shuffled back out, holding his hand up to stop his brother's protests, and he migrated back into the confines of his room, settling onto the bed heavily, staring at the ceiling emptily.
"It was a dream, Ville... It wasn't real."
"It was real."
Bam sighed and rubbed his eyes, speaking quietly into the room.
"I know, baby. I know."
[Chapter 8 Cut]
Ugh! My apologies for the delay. School has been a bitch [yay, college.] But it's here now, and I hope you've enjoyed it!
Reviews please. Are you guys enjoying everything? Should I continue...? I do already have this laid out for where it's going. Haha.
Thanks guys!
[pandora]
Author: x_carnivale_x
Pairing: Bam/Ville, et all.
Rating: R/NC17. for mentions of sex, violence, gore, and horror.
Summary: That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange aeons, even death may die.
Author's Notes: Another dream sequence, along with some drama within the friends. Also, Jess is finally in the picture.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One // Chapter Two // Chapter Three // Chapter Four // Chapter Five // Chapter Six // Chapter Seven
For those that want to read the original story, here is a link to the full story. [Starts at the last chapter, all previous chapters are linked.]
Dyatlov Pass - The Original
Bam didn't sleep for the rest of that night. He left the picture on the floor and pushed himself to the other side of the bed, curling up against the headboard, desperately trying to stay as far away from the photo as possible. And yet, he couldn't shift his gaze elsewhere. He sat, his back against the headboard, and stared over to the other side of the bed. He couldn't see the picture lying on the carpet, but he knew it still rested there. He left the bathroom light on, bathing the room in a white, distant light. No matter how still he sat, no matter how slowly he tried to breathe, he never could steady out his chest - and every now and then, the thought would drift in and out of his mind that he wished he had Ville's inhaler. He waited. He breathed. He almost prayed for daylight.
The bag of ice on his bed had long since melted, and he eyed it warily, knowing that the condensation from it had drenched the bedsheets, and that it probably wouldn't even be dry by the next evening. There would be a big cold spot in the bed just waiting for him. He glanced to his ankle, noting that the swelling was almost gone. It hadn't been a bad sprain - enough to hurt, but not to hinder him. He sighed and wanted it to be better.
Dawn came, and small tendrils of light slipped in through the blinds. Bam couldn't help but feel tired and weary, and his body felt heavy. It was morning - it wasn't time to sleep - and he still felt restless and uneasy... but he was tired. He tried to sit up a little more straightly, but all it did was help him lean a little more heavily against the headboard of the bed. He curled his knees a little more, and blinked heavily, eyes still staring across the bed and to the floor, where the edge of the bed just blocked his view of the picture. He inhaled slowly and let his eyes linger shut for a moment, before steadily forcing them back open. He wanted to keep them open so badly, but they were so heavy, and his body felt so worn, and he was just tired. He closed his eyes once more, drifting off into sleep mostly against his will.
He opened his eyes slowly, almost blinded by a sudden glimmer of afternoon light. He didn't know where he was, but it was quiet, and the walls were a whitish-green - pale and bare. He looked around, noticing quickly that he was sitting on a bed. He could feel the presence of someone sitting next to him. He sighed.
"I think it's strange." Bam muttered quietly, turning his head to stare at the man sitting to his left.
"What's strange?" Ville questioned calmly.
"The most I've heard you talk since all of this started... has been in my dreams..." He let out a breath. "I wish you had talked more back... during all that."
Ville just glanced over at him sadly.
"You know I couldn't."
"I know. But sometimes... I just needed it. Like now. I don't need you just... here. I don't need you just in my dreams."
"Who says I'm in your dreams?"
Bam scoffed.
"Don't be stupid. Where else would you be?"
Ville sighed.
"....I don't rightly know." He mumbled sadly as he let his eyes glance down and away from Bam, his head hanging and his gaze resting on their feet that pressed against the carpet - an almost ashamed tone to the older man's voice. Bam followed the stare, suddenly surprised that the room was carpeted, and that he hadn't even noticed it. But he sighed and felt a quick sense of guilt hit him. He raised his hand and placed it on Ville's cheek, his palm flat and pressing lightly against the stubble that was there. He leaned forward and kissed Ville's cheek lightly.
"Why do you keep coming here?"
"Maybe I just miss you, Bam."
Bam inhaled slowly.
"Maybe I miss you too." He paused, letting his fingers stroke Ville's cheek lightly, as if to reassure him. Of what, Bam didn't know. "I'm... I'm so glad you're here, though. I'm a little bit terrified, and really really fucking confused... and it hurts so bad, but I'm... content right now... Things aren't right without you."
"You'll be okay." Ville muttered, avoiding looking over at Bam, and Bam could hear the lie in Ville's whisper. It wasn't like Ville to lie.
"...I can't do this, Ville." And Ville's gaze turned back up to meet Bam's, and Bam went silent for moment, for once in what felt like an eternity catching a glimpse of those striking green eyes - vivid and vibrant. "Can't do all this... just keep going like this. I-I miss you so much I can't stand it." He licked his lips slowly, and he saw as Ville's eyes calmed, they almost paused, and for a moment, Bam was lost in their momentary emptiness. "I don't wanna sleep... I don't wanna be awake..."
"How do you know you're dreaming right now? What if this right here is what's real? And everything else is just a dream?"
"It isn't." Bam said. And Ville blinked slowly. "It just isn't... And I just know, okay?"
Ville nodded slowly, staring down at their toes again. But he leant his body closer, pressing his shoulder up against Bam's, and Bam felt his head rest on his shoulder lightly. The younger man turned his head slightly and pressed a kiss against his forehead, sighing quietly and letting his head rest atop of Ville's.
"But I don't care." Bam finally breathed quietly, his breath ghosting over Ville's ebony hair. He felt Ville raise his head off his shoulder and he stared at him with silent concern.
"I'm so scared, Bam."
Ville looked away from him.
"I'm pretty fuckin' scared too."
"No..." Ville paused and stared down at his fingers resting in his lap. "No, I-I'm scared for you. But... But I need you."
"I need you too..." Bam mumbled, slipping his hand over towards Ville's lap, hesitantly grabbing onto his fingers. But before he could even register the gesture, Ville was yanking out of his grip and standing up from the bed.
"No, Bam!"
Bam didn't say anything, just stared up at Ville with exasperation and confusion. He breathed heavily through his nose, and he almost wanted to stand and yell back in Ville's face. He didn't even know why. But he stayed silent and waited. Ville said nothing, and it took Bam a minute before he realized Ville was crying. Bam licked his lips and stood slowly, taking a step towards Ville - for a moment, he saw Ville falter, and almost step back, before he stuttered out brokenly.
"B-Bam. D-don't leave me there."
Bam furrowed his brow, his expression softening, mouth falling slack. He strode towards Ville fully, backing him up against the wall, and he hated the way small droplets of water still slipped down his cheeks - breathless, wordless tears by then, and his face was red, eyelids puffy, and Bam could see the color drain out of those meadow green eyes. He stepped a bit closer, pressing his and Ville's chests together, and he felt Ville's hands grip his shirt tightly.
"Bam... Bam, why- why did you..." He whimpered quietly. Bam wrapped his arms around him as best he could - one arm circling his waist, hand pressing into the small of his back, the other threaded into Ville's hair, cradling his head as he leaned against Bam's body. Ville pressed his forehead into Bam's neck, and the older man could hear the choked sob that slipped back Ville's lips. He nudged his shoulder a little, forcing Ville's head up to look at him. Bam stared at him for a moment, dead silent, breathing heavily through his nose, before tilting his head down to capture Ville's lips firmly. He exhaled slowly, lips still connected, and he parted gently, mumbling into Ville's mouth.
"I'm sorry."
Bam kissed him again, and he felt Ville whimper sadly, could feel Ville's arms tightening around his body, could feel Ville's hands pressing against his back. He broke away only for a moment.
"God, I am so..." Another breathy kiss. "Sorry."
He felt Ville's knees bend, give out, but he had a firm hand around his waist. He kissed him harder, the grip in Ville's hair tightening and Ville whimpered into the touch. They shifted places slowly, Bam leaning his back against the wall, Ville leaning against him. He felt Ville cling to him more tightly, fingers twisting up in Bam's shirt, and he still felt cold. He paused for a moment and broke his lips away from Ville, and he seemed to follow Bam's lips, whimpering as Bam's mouth detached from his, trying to follow it.
"No... no, don't."
"Shhh." Bam said reassuringly, threading his fingers through Ville's hair and pulling his head to his neck, cradling him softly, feeling Ville's body pressing into his. He felt Ville shudder, drawing his hands in towards himself, wedging them between his body and Bam's. Bam just held him, carding his fingers through Ville's locks, savoring the feeling of just having him there. But Ville trembled in his grip, and Bam could hear and feel his fingers toying with the chain that looped around Bam's neck. Ville's dog tags. Ville pushed up and away from Bam a little, still staring at the spot on Bam's tshirt-covered chest where the dog tags fell. He swallowed thickly and reached forward to hold onto them, eying them curiously.
"Are-are these yours? When did you get your own?" Ville asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
"No, they're yours. You should know that."
"...N-No... I have mine. They're right... they're..."
Ville fumbled around his neck, but found no chain, and even pulled his collar aside to investigate further. When he didn't find them there, he turned his attention to his pockets, stuffing his fingers into them and fumbling around for the tags that Bam knew he wouldn't find. He started to get frantic, pushing himself away from Bam to try to find the chain. Bam watched on, reaching out to Ville to stop his desperate movements. He grabbed onto Ville's wrists and ceased his fumbling, and Ville just stared up at him, his eyes glassy and red and worried and trembling. Bam sighed and pulled Ville close again. Bam couldn't help the way he clung to the younger man.
"Bam..."
"Ville, I tried..."
"But... you... and I."
"...God I'm so sorry..."
Bam's grip on Ville loosened at the sudden sound of weakness and vulnerability that grazed Ville's voice. Ville pulled away, and Bam couldn't look at him. Instead he hung his head and breathed. Breathed. He breathed. He listened for Ville's breaths - he didn't hear them. He listened for Ville, anything about him, the way he swallowed, his voice, the sound his clothes made when he moved. At least Bam could hear him.
"I want to stay here with you..." Ville mumbled quietly - desperately - enough to make Bam quiver and he bit his lip and told himself that dreams weren't supposed to be able to hurt you.
"Ville, god... I tried, baby, please, I tried."
He could feel Ville shaking and without thinking he pulled Ville to his lips forcefully, pursing them firmly against the older man's again. Ville felt weak in his arms, vulnerable, thin, and frail, and it was unfamiliar to Bam - Ville had always been small, thin, but never frail... If anything, Bam would've always said that Ville was stronger than he was... Bam wondered if he'd ever see the Ville he really knew again. But he held on tightly - he had to. It was all Ville needed, all Bam needed. To just hold more tightly, kiss more firmly, and breathe more deeply. They always had to breathe - just keep breathing, just remember his breath, just remember the way his body feels when he breathes in deeply. Bam tried to remember that song, tried to remember how it went.
Breathe, keep breathing.
Don't lose your nerve.
Breathe, keep breathing.
I can't do this alone.
Bam felt Ville exhale - the breath from Ville's nose seeping over Bam's cheeks and it made him shudder as it drifted over him. The breath and life of something from the past here with him, and Bam could've died a happy man. And he pulled back to beg Ville to stay, his eyes still closed, and before he spoke he ran his tongue across his lips. He paused on a dime - he tasted something coppery, metallic, something cold on his lip. He tasted blood and his eyelids snapped open to stare at Ville. A thin line of red dripped from Ville's nose to his upper lip, seemingly unnoticed by the older man. He stared unceremoniously before forcing his lips to move.
"You-you're bleeding."
Ville seemed to snap to attention, his hand flinging up to his nose to wipe underneath it. He eyed the small trail of red that was left across his hand from the action, and he quickly tried to wipe away whatever was left on his face - but he failed, only managing to smear the blood a little more as the trickle hadn't died.
"No, no..." He stuttered. "I-I'm fine, just."
"Goddamnit, Ville, you're fucking ble-"
"Leave it!" Ville shouted as he pushed away from Bam, his feet stumbling back and away a couple of paces.
"Ville, I never wanted-" Bam stopped when Ville stared up at him - his green eyes turning grey and listless and Bam felt like a failure. The blood still dripped from his nose and Bam tried to step forward, but Ville shied away, letting his knees bend to collapse to a sitting position on the floor.
"Bam, don't..." He begged quietly, staring at the floor. Bam looked down over him and could see the tiny drop of red that landed lightly on the tile beneath them. He shivered and bent down towards him, speaking quietly.
"Ville, I'm sorry, god, I'm so sorry. Don't-don't push me away, please. God, fuck, Ville please."
He reached his hand out to touch Ville, but before he'd even made the contact, he felt a sickening tightness in his chest, and he slouched over from it, just trying to breathe. He always had to keep breathing, but the surging pain was enough to knock the air out of him, to suffocate him. He forced his eyes to open to look at Ville. The Finn stared at him with worry and fear but he didn't move. Bam couldn't speak, he could only see the terror etched on Ville's face, and he felt that he'd been punched in the stomach - in all literal and metaphorical senses. Ville stared, and Bam trembled, and Ville was scared, and Bam waited for the pain to stop, but it didn't. Instead he heard Ville say his name, but it was so faint that he sounded as if he were yelling it from across a field.
"Bam....."
So faint and faraway, but he could stare at Ville still, he was right fucking there. Bam reached his hand out to Ville to touch him and Ville tried to reach back and take it, but as their fingers touched Bam felt another surge. His body felt as if he'd been shoved roughly and painfully, and he ungracefully stumbled backwards towards the wall, his rear finding the floor, his back falling against the tiled wall, and his head slamming into it as well, and Bam could taste blood again.
Bam's eyes flung open with a start, as his still-sitting body twitched in shock of its own accord, causing his head to slam back into the headboard of the bed roughly. Bam cringed and his hand gripped the back of his head, muttering a quiet obscenity into the empty room followed by a pained groan. He let his body slump over to the side, his hand still gripping his head, and tried to refocus himself. He groaned and forced himself to sit back up and to look at the clock. The numbers were blurry at first, but it was light enough in the room, it was only about 9:30am. He'd only slept for a couple of hours. He paused and told himself to listen, as he heard voices coming from the downstairs kitchen - it seemed as if his friends were awake at least. But there was an extra voice, a familiar one, and Bam toned in his ears just a little. He couldn't understand the conversation, it was just sound, really, but he knew that voice.
Jess.
He rose from the bed, purposefully ignoring the picture that still lay on the floor. He was tentative with his ankle, but pleased to see that when he put some cautious pressure on it, it didn't hurt as badly. He could actually hobble much more effectively this time. He limped towards his bag and stripped Ville's white shirt and grabbed one of his own black ones. He didn't bother to change pants, figuring it would be too difficult with his ankle. He'd cross that bridge when he absolutely had to. He sighed and ran a hand through his messy locks, shuffling them up, noticing that they weren't actually fully dry from his shower several hours before. But Bam let the thought go, turning to the door to leave the bedroom, but before he did, he paused, turned around, and without even looking at it, snatched the picture up from the floor and shoved it into the pocket of his pants. He left the room as quietly as he could and limped slowly down the hallway - it seemed impossibly long, five and a half minutes long - and he used the wall to help support him as he walked. He could hear his friends better now, could fully hear the conversation, and he didn't feel the slightest remorse when he slowed his pace even more and eavesdropped.
"But no, like I was saying. He's... I don't know. I guess he's about the same. He's had some incidents, but I suppose nothing unmanageable. But he's certainly not better about any of this." He heard Ryan say. Bam assumed she was speaking to his brother. He swallowed and paused in the hallway, waiting on a response.
"Ape's been a mess." Jess mumbled. Bam swallowed thickly and tried not to think about his mother, and about how she hadn't seen or called him either. He shook his head and finished the walk down the hallway.
"I can imagine. I'm so sorry, Jess. Well, I'm sure he'll at least be glad to see you... maybe family can-" Bam cut Ryan off by clearing his throat when he entered the kitchen. Everyone turned to look at him, and Mige plastered on a smile and moved to hug him, muttering a good morning to him. Ryan walked over and put his hand on Bam's shoulder, motioning towards his ankle with his other hand.
"How's the foot?"
"Better. Not entirely, still kind of have to gimp it, but it's better. Thanks..."
Bam looked up at Jess, barely catching his eyes before his older brother quickly averted his gaze. Bam licked his lips steadily and glanced at his friends pleadingly. Linde caught the glance first and cleared his throat, beginning to usher the others out of the kitchen and into the living room quickly, saying that they should leave the brothers alone. Bam nodded his thanks and returned his gaze to Jess, who still stared aimlessly at the floor. Bam sighed and limped towards the table, sliding down into a chair and turning his head to stare out to the patio through the windows. It was bright outside, but the kind of bright that he knew wouldn't hinder the cold. Sunny but cold. There was a breeze. A few of the trees across the yard were swaying gently, and Bam forced himself to look away as Jess steadily [nervously] lowered into the chair to Bam's left. The brothers sat in silence for a few moments, neither looking at each other. Bam drummed his fingers quietly on the table and Jess jiggled his leg. Bam could hear Jess's mouth open to speak, but he cut him off.
"Bam, I-"
"Why am I just now hearing from you?"
"It's just-."
"No excuses... Jess, where-where have you been?"
"I've been home. Mom's a wreck."
"...Why hasn't she seen me either?"
"Man, I. I couldn't just... I couldn't just bring her here."
"You didn't even call me."
"You know I couldn't have."
"Don't give me that bullshit."
"Goddamnit, Bam, look at yourself... Look at what happened!"
"I'm well aware of what happened, Jess, but it's no excu-"
"No, come on, Bam. This has been a wreck on us too. Mom's been trying to help out Ville's mother, but I know she's just as bad as her cause she's thinking about Ville and especially about you. I couldn't just bring her out here, especially not when, from what Mige and Ryan have told me, you're still having... episodes, I guess you could call them. And-and not to mention... this shit is hard, Bam. Don't you think I was a little fucking distraught too?"
"Distraught enough to just not bother to check in on me or Ville?"
"...I have been checking in. I've been in constant contact with Mige and Ryan since Ville first went missing - do you honestly think I wouldn't have kept myself updated on where my brother and his best friend were? So don't give me any bullshit about how I didn't care. You know I care... But Bam, it's-it's hard. Hard to see you like this. So cut me some slack, okay?" Jess paused and looked away, and if Bam had wanted to admit it, he would've mentioned that he was pretty sure Jess was crying. But Bam didn't want to think about that. Jess licked his lips, wiped his face quickly and looked back up at Bam. "I was scared as shit, I didn't know if I could handle seeing you like this... let alone, fuck, let alone have Ape or Phil see you like this."
"...I needed you here."
"I know that."
"And... and you weren't. At all."
"I was scared."
"And you think I wasn't?"
"I know you were. I know you are. And I'm here now."
"That doesn't change a damn thing, Jess."
"I-I'm sorry, I really am."
Bam didn't bother to reply. Jess licked his lips and put his hand on Bam's forearm that rested on the table.
"Bam... I'm sorry. But I'm here now... so man, just... just talk to me. What's been going on?"
Bam didn't respond, just stayed silent and staring anywhere but at his brother. Jess's grip on Bam's forearm tightened a bit - merely to gain his attention.
"I mean... You- well, you're obviously not okay."
"Ding ding, what do we have for him, Johnny?" Bam deadpanned. Jess breathed in deeply - Bam assumed it was to calm himself, but he couldn't bring himself to care.
"Bam, please..."
Bam sighed.
"I just... I can't get him out of my head."
"Who? Ville?"
"Who the fuck else? Ugh, sorry. I'm sorry. I just... everything. I can't, can't fucking forget it."
"Mige says you're in your head a lot."
"I don't know. I just can't stop thinking about it."
Jess blinked heavily and let out a breath.
"Bam, what is it? There's something you're not telling me."
Bam sighed, slipping his fingers into his pocket and pulling out the picture quickly. He slid it across the table towards Jess, the picture facing upwards so his brother could see it.
"Do you remember that picture?"
Jess nodded slowly.
"Yeah, New Years, right?"
"I took it from one of Ville's photo albums... just to keep. I labeled it. When I looked at it again today, my label had been marked out... something else written over it. I didn't do that... Flip it over..."
Jess picked up the picture and flipped to the back side of it and Bam turned his head away. He waited for Jess's shocked and bewildered questions, but they didn't come. Instead, all he heard was,
"Bam... nothing's marked out... It's just labeled."
Bam's head perked up quickly and he fumbled for the picture, taking it out of Jess's grasp.
"What? No, that's not possible." He flipped it over, looking to the back, and yet... There was nothing there. Just...
Ville and Bam. New Years 2008.
My kulta.
Bam breathed nervously.
"But... but, no, no, no, it was here... I swear to god... It was just..."
Bam dropped the picture to the table and placed his elbows on the wood, pressing his hands over his face as he felt his body start to quiver. He tried to keep himself from hyperventilating, but with each inhale, his breaths only became more ragged. He counted to himself silently, breathing out a self-assuring "okay" with every exhale. When he could finally steady himself decently, he spoke into his hands, his voice muffled slightly. But he had to ask it.
"Were you there?"
"Where?"
"Ville's funeral..."
Jess breathed steadily.
"I was there."
"You saw him?"
"Excuse me?"
Bam twitched and pulled his hands to his face, letting his fists fall to the table unceremoniously.
"You saw Ville..."
"Yeah... I did."
"He was there?"
"Bam, what the fuck are you talking about?"
Bam licked his lips firmly and hit his hand on the table.
"In the casket, you saw him in the fucking casket?!" Bam shouted. He suddenly heard a number of footsteps migrating towards the kitchen at the resonating sound of his voice. He saw Jess glance to the door where the others were entering, but Bam wouldn't have it. He stood as best he could and as quickly as he could. "Jess, was his body in the goddamn casket?" Mige stepped in quickly.
"Bam!" He said, putting his hand on his arm, he merely wrenched away.
"No, tell me!"
"Bam, stop this." He said firmly. He turned his glare to Mige, staring down over him.
"No, this is a simple fucking question. Was Ville's body in the casket that you buried?"
Without a moment's pause, Bam felt the warm sting of a slap across his face. He looked back at Mige, slightly stunned and ready to speak, but he silenced himself the minute he saw his face. His brow was firm, face rigid, but Bam could see that even through the anger, his bottom lip quivered against the tight line of his mouth. He licked his lips, perhaps to calm himself and looked up at him. His voice was quaky when he spoke, but it was still calm, and firm, and it told Bam that he better not say another word.
"You unbelievable asshole... How... How dare you even imply something like that. That... that we're involved in this whole fucking thing?!" He asked with disbelief, voice cracking slightly.
"Just tell me-" Bam started, but Mige cut him off.
"He was in the goddamn... casket, Brandon." He said slowly but strongly, looking down and away from him. Bam could hear the quiver in his voice. "His hair was a little long. He was wearing... that same black pin-stripe button down shirt that you loved... And goddamnit, Bam..." His voice broke and Bam backed up a step, even on his injured ankle, persisting through the pain for the sake of avoiding the fact that Mige was crying. "Goddamnit, Bam... It was so fucking hard to watch them close it and put him in the ground... So how fucking dare you..."
"Mige, I-"
"Please... just don't." He muttered quietly, putting his hand up to him. Bam hung his head.
"I just don't know what to think anymore..."
"We don't either, Bam..." Ryan said.
Bam slid slowly back into the chair, and he couldn't stop the way the tears slid down his cheeks. He stared past his friends with an emptiness in his stare. His voice was meek and broken.
"What-what aren't you telling me?"
Jess moved to squat beside him, his hands resting on Bam's knees.
"We're telling you everything, Bam... He was buried... We were there... You saw his grave, you know he's there..."
"But-but the picture."
Jess hung his head for a moment and sputtered, looking back up at Bam with a quivering stare and red-rimmed eyes.
"Baby bro, there's nothing on the picture... Nothing. Just what you wrote..."
"No..."
"Bam, he's dead."
"No..." Bam pushed out, his voice no louder than a squeak.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't here."
"Just tell me..."
"Bam stop." Johnny chimed in quietly. Jess lurched up and enveloped Bam in a firm hug, and Bam just let it happen, trying to calm himself. He stared at the wall behind Jess and waited, his tears subsiding. He moved his stare back to the table where the photo still rested, the writing completely unchanged. He sighed and pushed Jess away, bracing himself on the table to stand up as steadily as he could. He shuffled away, back towards his room, leaving his friends in the kitchen. Before he exited, he paused in the doorway, turning around to look at them.
"...I don't know what it is... But there's more... And I know it. It's fucking with me... with Ville. But, but I'll sort it out."
He turned and shuffled back out, holding his hand up to stop his brother's protests, and he migrated back into the confines of his room, settling onto the bed heavily, staring at the ceiling emptily.
"It was a dream, Ville... It wasn't real."
"It was real."
Bam sighed and rubbed his eyes, speaking quietly into the room.
"I know, baby. I know."
[Chapter 8 Cut]
Ugh! My apologies for the delay. School has been a bitch [yay, college.] But it's here now, and I hope you've enjoyed it!
Reviews please. Are you guys enjoying everything? Should I continue...? I do already have this laid out for where it's going. Haha.
Thanks guys!
[pandora]