Welcome To The Best Closet Ever (HP/CSI:M/Mythbusters/Heroes/TW/SGA, pg13)
PLZ DIRECT ALL YOUR BLAME TO thiscanbegin FOR THIS.
WELL, OKAY, MAYBE I BAITED HER.
Title: Welcome To The Best Closet Ever
Author: siriusly_sex
Rating: I'd say pg13 for all the talk about gay sex.
Word Count: 1598
Fandom: Harry Potter, CSI: Miami, Mythbusters, Heroes, Torchwood, SGA.
Character(s)/Pairing(s): *takes a deep breath* Sirius, Remus, Speed, Delko, Grant, Hiro, Ando, Kensei/Adam, Ianto, Jack, John, Rodney, Ronon, Teyla, Elizabeth, Keller, Zelenka, and Lorne.
Warnings: CRACK!fic. (See summary below.)
Disclaimer: fic-tion n. something feigned, invented, or imagined; a made-up story
Summary: Okay, so I have this running joke with thiscanbegin about (mostly) fictional men I love, and therefore under my bed or keep in my closet for safekeeping. Last night, this conversation happened:
siriusly_sex: Yes, I'm sure you're familiar with Jack and Ianto?
thiscanbegin: we have dinner together sometimes and talk about how awesome you are
siriusly_sex: and about my excellent closet service, I'm sure
thiscanbegin: of course!
thiscanbegin: Jack said it was the finest closet he'd ever been in and Ianto agreed whole heartedly
siriusly_sex: I'm glad they like it
siriusly_sex: You know, one of these days, I'm going to write an AU about boys in my closet, lmfao
thiscanbegin: DO IT NOW
siriusly_sex: LMFAO
And that's the summary for this.
John and Rodney open the door, and are immediately met by a young man. "Hello," the young man greets; John notes that he speaks with a Welsh accent.
"Hi," John drawls. "We're, uh, new."
"Yes," the young man says. "We had a feeling you were coming. Well," he shrugs, "not you, but new people." He smirks at them. "She's really taken a liking to SGA."
"Yes, well, obviously it's because we're the best." Rodney says, pushing past John. "Why does it look like a tourist shop in here? For Cardiff, of all places," he adds, picking up a brochure.
"Ah, this is from Torchwood. She likes to pick places and create a duplicate in here for us. It changes often, so don't even think about trying to understand. I heard a rumor the Hub's been transformed into the TARDIS interior."
"The TARDIS?" John asks, nudging Rodney and grinning.
"Ianto, where are you?" a voice calls out from behind a beaded doorway.
Ianto grins. "In here, Jack."
"Oh, is someone at the door? Ooh! Have the new kids arrived already?"
"Kids?" Rodney says incredulously.
A man wearing suspenders appears by Ianto's side; John supposes this is Jack. "Ahh! They have! Why didn't you tell me?" He grins excitedly at Ianto. "They're quite lookers, aren't they?"
"Excuse me?!" Rodney blurts.
"You'll have to excuse Jack," Ianto says, slightly apologetically, slightly amused. "We haven't had new comers in a while."
"So," Jack grins, ignoring the conversation that just happened. "Boyfriends? Which one of you tops?" Rodney chokes on his air and John takes a sudden interest in his shoes.
Ianto shakes his head, smiling. "Let's get you introduced to the rest of us, shall we?" Ianto leads them through a secret doorway in the wall, into a hallway that looked Ancient, down a staircase and through a sliding door into the interior of the TARDIS.
"Hey, guys!" Jack's voice rings out and echoes slightly. "We've got newbies!" A bunch of men come seemingly out of nowhere, and suddenly, the TARDIS is filled with men. "Okay! I'll get started. I'm Jack Harkness and that's Ianto Jones, from Torchwood."
Ianto waves slightly at them, and then leaves to go back to the door.
An Asian man with a round face wearing glasses, who is standing next to Jack, speaks next, "I'm Hiro Nakamura and this," Hiro gestures to the man standing next to him, also Asian, "is Ando Masashi. We're from Heroes." He spoke with a slight Japanese accent. "Kensei is around here somewhere too," he says, looking around, trying to peek over Jack's shoulder.
Although the name sounded Japanese, the next voice definitely has an English accent. "Right here, Hiro!" A man with short blonde hair and wearing a suit steps out from the crowd, between Jack and Hiro. "And you can call me Adam. Adam Monroe, from Heroes."
Next to Ando is another Japanese man, but when he speaks, he has no accent. "I'm Grant Imahara, and I'm from Mythbusters."
Grant looks up at a tall Cuban man standing next to him. "Guess we're next, Speed."
Another man steps up. "Hm? Oh. I'm Tim Speedle, this is Eric Delko. We're from CSI: Miami."
Next to Speed are two men who are wearing strange robes. "Right," one says, and he speaks with a British accent. "I'm Remus Lupin, and this," Remus kicks the other man in a robe, "is Sirius Black. We're from Harry Potter."
There's a short silence, and John realizes they're next. "Oh, right," he says, pausing slightly because he isn't sure whether or not to include his title. "I'm John Sheppard, and this is-"
"Doctor Rodney McKay," Rodney says pointedly, glaring at John. "We're from-"
"Stargate: Atlantis," Jack says. "We know. We were wondering when people were going to come. Took Her a while, didn't it?"
Grant shrugs. "I still blame it on finals."
The sliding door slides open again, and in walks Ronon, Teyla and Elizabeth, without Ianto, John notices. "Wha-" Rodney stares. "What are you guys doing here?"
"I believe we are here for the same reason you are here, Rodney," Teyla answers calmly. Ronon grunts in agreement, and Elizabeth nods while greeting everyone.
"I thought we were Her favourite," Rodney mutters disappointedly, so that only John could hear. John smirks and puts a reassuring hand on the small of Rodney's back.
Literally a minute later, after Teyla, Ronon and Elizabeth introduced themselves and vice versa, Keller, Zelenka and Lorne walk in with Ianto, all four of them enjoying a small joke.
"How many of you are there?" Jack jokes, while Rodney shrieks, "Zelenka?!"
After Ianto calms Rodney down by bringing him a cup of tea, Jack continues on with the introductions. "So basically, Sirius and Remus got here first. They're our veterns. She explained how things work around here to them."
"She kinda showed us in, and told us to enjoy ourselves. This place used to be a giant castle, you know."
"Yeah," Remus chuckled. "It looked like the Gryffindor boy's dormitory, didn't it?"
"Mmhm. There was lots of things we did in that dormitory," Sirius smirks suggestively. Rodney hides his face in his tea and John looks down to hide his smirk.
"We were the only ones for a while," Remus says, wistfully. "Then one day we woke up and we were in Miami, and two others had joined us."
"Yeah, we came next," Speed says. "Well, to be fair, I came next."
Delko rolls his eyes. "He never lets us live it down that he's Her favourite CSI."
Speed shrugs. "What can you do when you're awesome, hm?"
"Here, here," Rodney agrees, and John rolls his eyes.
"Anyway, I arrived shortly after Speed, and then we had lots of fun in our apartment."
Rodney holds up his hands. "Wait, wait, wait. You're not all - well you know - are you?" Everyone looks at him curiously.
"He means, are you all sleeping together?" John says, clearing it up.
"Well," Adam says, "She's paired most of us off. Sirius and Remus. Speed and Delko. Ianto and Jack. You two, though, apparently she likes you two in the closet."
"What?! I am not- We aren't- It's not-" Rodney sputters.
"I think She does it because of my job," John says, and that's the end of that. Rodney glares angrily at him.
"Yeah," Jack says. "We're mostly paired off, but apparently, she gets kinky. She's paired Hiro off with Ando and Adam." John thinks Jack sounds a little envious.
Ianto comes up with piece of paper. "It says here, She's tripled a lot of the new members. Keller and Teyla, Keller and Ronon, Elizabeth and Teyla, Elizabeth and Ronon, Lorne and Telya, Zelenka and Ronon, Zelenka and Lorne, Teyla and Ronon and-" Ianto turns the paper over. "I think that's it."
"Oh," Grant says sarcastically. "Is that all?"
Lorne smirks at Grant. "You're just jealous because you don't have anyone."
"Well," Grant says smugly, "She likes to keep me to herself, doesn't she? Besides, she's paired me off with other people who aren't here. Kari and Tory, for example, even if she can't admit that to herself. She thinks I don't know," he adds, smiling with love.
"So," Rodney says, putting his cup down. "What do we do now?"
As if on cue, the TARDIS interior changes into something familiar; the Atlantis base. Except, where the Stargate should be, is where the sliding door from the Torchwood Hub is.
"Well," Ianto says slowly, producing another piece of paper from nowhere. "She says that everyone gets their own room, and that curfew is 9am."
"Curfew?" Ronon says, confused.
Hiro grins spectacularly, and says, "We can only come out after dinner, when She's done with classes, or else we'd distract Her from work."
"And classes," Ando adds, "end at 6."
"And technically, 'curfew' only means 'stay in here,' so really, we can do whatever we want," Adam says.
John hasn't really been listening, because he's still stuck on the fact that She thinks Teyla and Ronon look good with four different people, and even Zelenka and Lorne get two pairs. He's feeling a little gypped that he only gets Rodney when he realizes he's been staring at Rodney for the past five minutes, his hand still on the small of Rodney's back, and he realizes that Rodney is all he needs.
He looks over at Jack, who's been watching Ianto with an intensity that he's seen Rodney have and realizes that Jack must feel the same way.
Later, when food and drinks have mysteriously appeared and it's a eight course meal, with all the citrus and meat clearly labeled, John pulls Jack off to the side. Jack looks at John and says, "You know, just because She's thought of us together, doesn't mean we can do it. There are rules, you know."
"Rules?" John frowns. "She's thought of us-" He shakes his head. "Nevermind. Actually, I wanted to ask you how you feel about all this. I mean, a constantly changing environment? And rules? And you and Ianto?"
Jack grins and John is temporarily distracted by Jack's white teeth. "John, my friend, the room you get used to. And the rules? It's just curfew, and you can only really sleep with who She's assigned you to. Sometimes, exceptions are made, but She's pretty clear about that. And Ianto." Jack pauses to put his plate down on the counter and his hands on John's shoulders. "I don't mind Ianto. I mean, I kid and I joke and I leer, but really, I don't mind him. And I think you'll find you don't mind Rodney, either. I mean, I'm pretty sure Sirius and Remus don't mind each other, and Speed and Delko certainly don't mind each other. So, really, it's all good."
Jack picks up his plate, and goes to sit between Ianto and Zelenka. "So, you're Czech?"
Later, in his quarters, with Rodney curled around him, snoring softly, John understands that when Jack says "don't mind," he really means "love."
A/N: TO BE CONTINUED? lmfao, probably not.
WELL, OKAY, MAYBE I BAITED HER.
Title: Welcome To The Best Closet Ever
Author: siriusly_sex
Rating: I'd say pg13 for all the talk about gay sex.
Word Count: 1598
Fandom: Harry Potter, CSI: Miami, Mythbusters, Heroes, Torchwood, SGA.
Character(s)/Pairing(s): *takes a deep breath* Sirius, Remus, Speed, Delko, Grant, Hiro, Ando, Kensei/Adam, Ianto, Jack, John, Rodney, Ronon, Teyla, Elizabeth, Keller, Zelenka, and Lorne.
Warnings: CRACK!fic. (See summary below.)
Disclaimer: fic-tion n. something feigned, invented, or imagined; a made-up story
Summary: Okay, so I have this running joke with thiscanbegin about (mostly) fictional men I love, and therefore under my bed or keep in my closet for safekeeping. Last night, this conversation happened:
siriusly_sex: Yes, I'm sure you're familiar with Jack and Ianto?
thiscanbegin: we have dinner together sometimes and talk about how awesome you are
siriusly_sex: and about my excellent closet service, I'm sure
thiscanbegin: of course!
thiscanbegin: Jack said it was the finest closet he'd ever been in and Ianto agreed whole heartedly
siriusly_sex: I'm glad they like it
siriusly_sex: You know, one of these days, I'm going to write an AU about boys in my closet, lmfao
thiscanbegin: DO IT NOW
siriusly_sex: LMFAO
And that's the summary for this.
John and Rodney open the door, and are immediately met by a young man. "Hello," the young man greets; John notes that he speaks with a Welsh accent.
"Hi," John drawls. "We're, uh, new."
"Yes," the young man says. "We had a feeling you were coming. Well," he shrugs, "not you, but new people." He smirks at them. "She's really taken a liking to SGA."
"Yes, well, obviously it's because we're the best." Rodney says, pushing past John. "Why does it look like a tourist shop in here? For Cardiff, of all places," he adds, picking up a brochure.
"Ah, this is from Torchwood. She likes to pick places and create a duplicate in here for us. It changes often, so don't even think about trying to understand. I heard a rumor the Hub's been transformed into the TARDIS interior."
"The TARDIS?" John asks, nudging Rodney and grinning.
"Ianto, where are you?" a voice calls out from behind a beaded doorway.
Ianto grins. "In here, Jack."
"Oh, is someone at the door? Ooh! Have the new kids arrived already?"
"Kids?" Rodney says incredulously.
A man wearing suspenders appears by Ianto's side; John supposes this is Jack. "Ahh! They have! Why didn't you tell me?" He grins excitedly at Ianto. "They're quite lookers, aren't they?"
"Excuse me?!" Rodney blurts.
"You'll have to excuse Jack," Ianto says, slightly apologetically, slightly amused. "We haven't had new comers in a while."
"So," Jack grins, ignoring the conversation that just happened. "Boyfriends? Which one of you tops?" Rodney chokes on his air and John takes a sudden interest in his shoes.
Ianto shakes his head, smiling. "Let's get you introduced to the rest of us, shall we?" Ianto leads them through a secret doorway in the wall, into a hallway that looked Ancient, down a staircase and through a sliding door into the interior of the TARDIS.
"Hey, guys!" Jack's voice rings out and echoes slightly. "We've got newbies!" A bunch of men come seemingly out of nowhere, and suddenly, the TARDIS is filled with men. "Okay! I'll get started. I'm Jack Harkness and that's Ianto Jones, from Torchwood."
Ianto waves slightly at them, and then leaves to go back to the door.
An Asian man with a round face wearing glasses, who is standing next to Jack, speaks next, "I'm Hiro Nakamura and this," Hiro gestures to the man standing next to him, also Asian, "is Ando Masashi. We're from Heroes." He spoke with a slight Japanese accent. "Kensei is around here somewhere too," he says, looking around, trying to peek over Jack's shoulder.
Although the name sounded Japanese, the next voice definitely has an English accent. "Right here, Hiro!" A man with short blonde hair and wearing a suit steps out from the crowd, between Jack and Hiro. "And you can call me Adam. Adam Monroe, from Heroes."
Next to Ando is another Japanese man, but when he speaks, he has no accent. "I'm Grant Imahara, and I'm from Mythbusters."
Grant looks up at a tall Cuban man standing next to him. "Guess we're next, Speed."
Another man steps up. "Hm? Oh. I'm Tim Speedle, this is Eric Delko. We're from CSI: Miami."
Next to Speed are two men who are wearing strange robes. "Right," one says, and he speaks with a British accent. "I'm Remus Lupin, and this," Remus kicks the other man in a robe, "is Sirius Black. We're from Harry Potter."
There's a short silence, and John realizes they're next. "Oh, right," he says, pausing slightly because he isn't sure whether or not to include his title. "I'm John Sheppard, and this is-"
"Doctor Rodney McKay," Rodney says pointedly, glaring at John. "We're from-"
"Stargate: Atlantis," Jack says. "We know. We were wondering when people were going to come. Took Her a while, didn't it?"
Grant shrugs. "I still blame it on finals."
The sliding door slides open again, and in walks Ronon, Teyla and Elizabeth, without Ianto, John notices. "Wha-" Rodney stares. "What are you guys doing here?"
"I believe we are here for the same reason you are here, Rodney," Teyla answers calmly. Ronon grunts in agreement, and Elizabeth nods while greeting everyone.
"I thought we were Her favourite," Rodney mutters disappointedly, so that only John could hear. John smirks and puts a reassuring hand on the small of Rodney's back.
Literally a minute later, after Teyla, Ronon and Elizabeth introduced themselves and vice versa, Keller, Zelenka and Lorne walk in with Ianto, all four of them enjoying a small joke.
"How many of you are there?" Jack jokes, while Rodney shrieks, "Zelenka?!"
After Ianto calms Rodney down by bringing him a cup of tea, Jack continues on with the introductions. "So basically, Sirius and Remus got here first. They're our veterns. She explained how things work around here to them."
"She kinda showed us in, and told us to enjoy ourselves. This place used to be a giant castle, you know."
"Yeah," Remus chuckled. "It looked like the Gryffindor boy's dormitory, didn't it?"
"Mmhm. There was lots of things we did in that dormitory," Sirius smirks suggestively. Rodney hides his face in his tea and John looks down to hide his smirk.
"We were the only ones for a while," Remus says, wistfully. "Then one day we woke up and we were in Miami, and two others had joined us."
"Yeah, we came next," Speed says. "Well, to be fair, I came next."
Delko rolls his eyes. "He never lets us live it down that he's Her favourite CSI."
Speed shrugs. "What can you do when you're awesome, hm?"
"Here, here," Rodney agrees, and John rolls his eyes.
"Anyway, I arrived shortly after Speed, and then we had lots of fun in our apartment."
Rodney holds up his hands. "Wait, wait, wait. You're not all - well you know - are you?" Everyone looks at him curiously.
"He means, are you all sleeping together?" John says, clearing it up.
"Well," Adam says, "She's paired most of us off. Sirius and Remus. Speed and Delko. Ianto and Jack. You two, though, apparently she likes you two in the closet."
"What?! I am not- We aren't- It's not-" Rodney sputters.
"I think She does it because of my job," John says, and that's the end of that. Rodney glares angrily at him.
"Yeah," Jack says. "We're mostly paired off, but apparently, she gets kinky. She's paired Hiro off with Ando and Adam." John thinks Jack sounds a little envious.
Ianto comes up with piece of paper. "It says here, She's tripled a lot of the new members. Keller and Teyla, Keller and Ronon, Elizabeth and Teyla, Elizabeth and Ronon, Lorne and Telya, Zelenka and Ronon, Zelenka and Lorne, Teyla and Ronon and-" Ianto turns the paper over. "I think that's it."
"Oh," Grant says sarcastically. "Is that all?"
Lorne smirks at Grant. "You're just jealous because you don't have anyone."
"Well," Grant says smugly, "She likes to keep me to herself, doesn't she? Besides, she's paired me off with other people who aren't here. Kari and Tory, for example, even if she can't admit that to herself. She thinks I don't know," he adds, smiling with love.
"So," Rodney says, putting his cup down. "What do we do now?"
As if on cue, the TARDIS interior changes into something familiar; the Atlantis base. Except, where the Stargate should be, is where the sliding door from the Torchwood Hub is.
"Well," Ianto says slowly, producing another piece of paper from nowhere. "She says that everyone gets their own room, and that curfew is 9am."
"Curfew?" Ronon says, confused.
Hiro grins spectacularly, and says, "We can only come out after dinner, when She's done with classes, or else we'd distract Her from work."
"And classes," Ando adds, "end at 6."
"And technically, 'curfew' only means 'stay in here,' so really, we can do whatever we want," Adam says.
John hasn't really been listening, because he's still stuck on the fact that She thinks Teyla and Ronon look good with four different people, and even Zelenka and Lorne get two pairs. He's feeling a little gypped that he only gets Rodney when he realizes he's been staring at Rodney for the past five minutes, his hand still on the small of Rodney's back, and he realizes that Rodney is all he needs.
He looks over at Jack, who's been watching Ianto with an intensity that he's seen Rodney have and realizes that Jack must feel the same way.
Later, when food and drinks have mysteriously appeared and it's a eight course meal, with all the citrus and meat clearly labeled, John pulls Jack off to the side. Jack looks at John and says, "You know, just because She's thought of us together, doesn't mean we can do it. There are rules, you know."
"Rules?" John frowns. "She's thought of us-" He shakes his head. "Nevermind. Actually, I wanted to ask you how you feel about all this. I mean, a constantly changing environment? And rules? And you and Ianto?"
Jack grins and John is temporarily distracted by Jack's white teeth. "John, my friend, the room you get used to. And the rules? It's just curfew, and you can only really sleep with who She's assigned you to. Sometimes, exceptions are made, but She's pretty clear about that. And Ianto." Jack pauses to put his plate down on the counter and his hands on John's shoulders. "I don't mind Ianto. I mean, I kid and I joke and I leer, but really, I don't mind him. And I think you'll find you don't mind Rodney, either. I mean, I'm pretty sure Sirius and Remus don't mind each other, and Speed and Delko certainly don't mind each other. So, really, it's all good."
Jack picks up his plate, and goes to sit between Ianto and Zelenka. "So, you're Czech?"
Later, in his quarters, with Rodney curled around him, snoring softly, John understands that when Jack says "don't mind," he really means "love."
A/N: TO BE CONTINUED? lmfao, probably not.