Comments | 80s_child: If there's light at the end of this tunnel, I hope it's a train.

80s_child

If there's light at the end of this tunnel, I hope it's a train.

Sep 04, 2009 21:42

one would've thought that with my history one would've ended up immune to pain long ago. And well, I did. I achieved that perfect state of not caring. I had it right there and then. I had it all. And yet I took a piss at that because I thought this time it would end up differently. That I would end up with getting other than the short end of the ( Read more... )

hurt

Comments 22

Love and its pains devifemme September 4 2009, 21:06:52 UTC

Oh, Camilla, how dreadful. Losing someone for reasons that, c'mon, admit it, were entirely beyond your control. You gotta remember that you scarcely would choose being sick. If he couldn't understand that, maybe -- just maybe -- you are better off without him ( ... )

Re: Love and its pains 80s_child September 4 2009, 21:44:06 UTC

No, he was the most understanding about my situation and forgave a lot of shit that I put him through. But the issue is: he knows, that he ultimately wants to build a family. I didn't. But I was ready to do that eventually (wouldn't've happened before our 30's anyway) if that was what it meant to be with him, because yes, he really felt like the really, really right one for me. It's crazy for me even to want such a thing but...it just happened. Well, so the discussion yesterday turned to our relationship in which he stated that he didn't really [ever] wanna build a family with me because I didn't give enough (i.e. wasn't a bundle of joy yada-yada, apparently my laughing and having fun isn't as infectuous as my apathy), and that he, thus, considered being with me as merely "hanging out ( ... )

ric_leonhart September 4 2009, 23:38:39 UTC

*triplehug* I'm so sorry it ended up like this :( You really didn't deserve that.

80s_child September 5 2009, 12:51:36 UTC

but secretly this gives you hope. Yay. I feel so comforted.

ric_leonhart September 5 2009, 17:09:26 UTC

What hope should I harbor? That since this happened, you'll come running to me for comfort, maybe even realize how much you miss me after all and come back to me with open arms? :P
I'm not that dense. I had such a hope once, but I have given up on it. Now I'm just sad that a dear friend of mine has to endure pain... Hyne knows you've had enough of it...

80s_child September 5 2009, 20:02:41 UTC

Well, apparently I haven't. If I did, I wouldn't be having more pain. It's too bad that it doesn't work that way, that there'd be a certain quota of pain in one's life, and the bigger and more frequent the doses, the quicker you burn through it til there's none left.

No matter how much pain you'd've had, there'll always be more. The only thing you can choose is how to manage that pain.

I still don't think what's happening here is how it should go. But, it's not my call only. It's not just up to me, or what I wish for.

Thread 6

jayyy September 5 2009, 05:59:17 UTC

Baby, you're doing everything you're supposed to be doing and more... don't regret the cycles or the things that make and lead us to ourselves. You're beautiful, and I mean that; I barely know you really, but I know you.

I'm sorry that this life holds so much pain, I wish I were there to give you a hug.

peace*love
j

80s_child September 5 2009, 12:50:30 UTC

It just doesn't give me much comfort to be beautiful, be it outside or inside, when the very person you want to be all that for isn't there to appreciate it. I don't care for being beautiful. It has never given me anything good so far, and I sincerely doubt that trend will change.

ulvesang September 5 2009, 13:13:02 UTC

I say stay single for at least two years, if not three. or four...

80s_child September 5 2009, 15:03:17 UTC

That's the plan. That was always the plan. But I get sucked into things when I fall in love :/ I don't think I'll want a relationship (with anyone else, anyway) for a looong long time, if ever. Not sure. Things change, but...yeah.

ulvesang September 7 2009, 11:44:27 UTC

I say get into an entirely unromantic relationship of convenience for mutual economic gain, and thus due to not being single you won't be tempted but you will still emotionally be single.

Preferably a relationship with a foreigner, enabling him to get Finnish citizenship, and preferably an American: that way the authorities won't suspect it. In fact, preferably an American already living in the EU...

80s_child September 10 2009, 15:46:25 UTC

I think I'd go Aussieland, away from all this northern hemisphere shite, and try to a citizenship :P now that I'm free to do so, I might as well take the best out of it. Although it's not what I want most.

Thread 7

Come see me again! devifemme October 28 2009, 18:19:38 UTC

Hi, Camilla. Me again -- I wrote you yesterday as a comment on your comment on my LJ. I had only read your recent post about Sweden, nand was so sad for you. I had a bit more time just now, so returned here. If I may say, your present doesn't look lots better than the past.

I obviously don't know you like various people commenting here. Whom to love? Where to put yourself on the Earth? (Australia sounds great -- I've wanted to visit there for a long time. But I just came to know Helsinki a year ago, just 4 days as part of a Petersburg trip. But it was lovely, and I met a bunch of younger guys at a beer-festival -- great people.)

I was delighted you did come comment a little. Please do, again. Lots of hugs -- you deserve them!

ps -- would your sister go to Australia, too?

Re: Come see me again! devifemme November 13 2009, 21:39:57 UTC

hi, and sorry for the late reply.
I actually managed to read the comment you gave me on that post of yours that you had to delete later.

I´m sorry I don´t comment more often, but don´t be in doubt of whether or not I read your journal, because I most definitely do! I read all new updates regularly on my friends-page :) I just don´t necessarily have anything useful/interesting to say, so I just mostly read and move on to next update. I´ll try to comment more often if that makes you feel better, please do the same for me too ^^

Re: Come see me again! 80s_child November 13 2009, 21:42:22 UTC

sorry, that was me! Forgot that I was using my friend´s computer! (if yo can call it that - it´s a mac x) )

Re: Come see me again! devifemme November 13 2009, 22:02:06 UTC

Dear Camilla --

You didn't mention how you and your sister are managing there in Finnland. I hope the problems have ended and you both can get on with your lives, careers, etc.

Please do comment on my blog -- sorry we lost your comment (and others) on that pair of postings I took down. (I'm sure no one wants to hear the story, least of all ME!) I will do the same here on yours.

Hugs, Justine

Thread 5