Until Now (Part 2)
Written by:
hockey_joy and
ovielove
Title: Until Now
Chapter: 2
Pairing: Vincent Lecavalier / Ben Clymer
Notes: Takes place during the Tampa Bay Lightning's 1999-2000 season; work in progress...
I reached for a water bottle from the edge of the boards and shot a stream of water into my mouth, letting most of it run down my chin before returning to my teammates. Vinny was demonstrating the next drill, and I found myself frowning slightly at the patronizing tone he was using. The little brat had been captain for only a few weeks and already he was acting like he owned them all. I clenched my teeth in annoyance as Vinny continued to bark orders.
There was no denying he was a good skater - great, actually. And in spite of myself, I had to admit the kid was pretty hot, with a thick trunk-like neck and chiseled body that made him seem like a Greek god. The problem was, Vinny knew it... all of it. It was so annoying, partly because until now it had always been me who was the hero, the leader, the best-looking guy. Back in Minnesota, I had practically been worshipped, leading my high school to the national championship. Seeing this guy two years younger stealing my dreams and living that fantasy life was more than I could take.
I stood back and watched the team go through the drill I had shown them. When Coach had given me the captaincy, I leapt at the chance. It gave me the chance to order people around, making them hang off my every word, scrambling to get the drill done right and that made me feel powerful for a while. I kept mental notes, keeping track of who was executing it and who needed a bit more work like Ben. "Clymer, let's go! Get those feet moving!" I could see anger flash in the hazel eyes that glared at me as he skated by.
I pushed off with my skate and caught up to Ben, following him through the pylons. I kept my eyes on the back of his jersey, pushing him to move faster. Why did I have to push guys to work harder? Weren't we all here for the same thing? I could tell that the Ben was slowing down around the corner and took advantage of it, slamming him into the boards. I leaned into growl in the older man's ear, noticing the sweat dripping down his cheek, having a brief vision of licking it away, "What the fuck is your problem, Clymes? Too fast for you in the big league?"
As Vinny's voice echoed in my ear, I clenched my fists in anger but forced myself to stay silent. He was trying to get at me, get under my skin, and it was working. Damn it. Vinny wanted a fight, but I refused to give him the satisfaction and skated away from that smirking face without a word. When I reached the boards I hunched over, resting my stick across my knees and trying to catch my breath before joining in with the cool down stretch. When we were done, I slowly followed the rest of the team towards the locker room.
With every step the anger seemed to bubble up inside of me. That little pissant, calling me out in front of the whole team, making me look weak and slow, singling me out and embarrassing me. Once inside the others seemed to sense the tension and avoided my eyes, which only increased my anger. I may not exactly be brimming over with friends, but I certainly didn't need their fucking sympathy. One by one they filed out of the locker room, leaving me at my stall, my heart pounding in my chest as Vinny's words played over and over in my head.
I stood in the doorway to the trainer's room, my arms folded over my chest, nodding to the players as they left. I had showered and dressed quickly, wanting to be the good captain, thanking the boys for their good work. Or most of them anyways; I frowned when I saw Ben still sitting on the bench in his gear, his shoulders hunched and head hung down. Brad had stopped in to wait for me but I waved him off, telling him I had to visit with the coach after practice. He had given me a suspicious look and I had felt a twinge of guilt about lying to him about why I wasn't going home but I wanted some extra time at the rink, taking advantage of the whirlpool with no one around.
When I first was given the C to wear, I was so proud, but now I could feel stress seeping into my bones. I hadn't wanted to push everyone so hard today but dammit, if I was going to work my ass off, everyone else should too. I peeked around the corner and saw that Ben was slowing packing up his gear. I ducked out of the room before he noticed me and stepped into the hallway to grab a drink from the machine. Standing with my eyes shut, head tilted back, I chugged the water down, feeling the cool liquid wash down my throat.
I zipped up my bag in the empty room, grateful for some peace to calm my head and make my thinking clear again. All I could think of was Vinny's face close to mine, the nearness of his body warming my own. I shook my head, unsure as to whether I was angry or turned on and not really sure which one I preferred. As I poked my arm through the sleeve of my coat, I heard a sound coming from the hallway, and I cursed silently to myself. I didn't really feel like seeing anyone right now and contemplated staying in the room a while longer, but thought better of it as the pungent smell of sweat reminded me of how nice fresh air was.
Stepping cautiously out of the door I craned my head around to check the hallway. When I saw Vinny standing there, bringing the bottle up to his perfect mouth, I froze for a moment, then slowly started moving towards him. The anger that had threatened to boil over earlier returned and I quickened my pace down the hall until I found myself in front of Vinny. With one swoop I knocked the water out of his hand and grabbed him by the shirt, pushing him up against the wall. "You have a problem with me, Vinny? You think you can do everything better than me, think you're such a big man with that stupid C on your shirt? Who the fuck do you think you are? You're nobody, hear me? Nobody!"
I felt the wind get knocked out of my chest as I was thrown against the wall, grimacing as the handle of a door dug into my kidney. I searched Ben's face frantically, with a twinge of fear curling at the back of my neck. I had been treated like this before and I didn't need it from him. Ben's words cut into my soul making my heart start to race. "What the fuck?" I shifted my weight, throwing those extra twenty pounds I had on the smaller man into good use, knocking Ben off balance. I rose up, towering over him. "You don't get to talk to me like that, I'm your fucking captain." I pushed Ben against the drink machine, shaking it. I snarled at him, my anger matching that reflected in Ben's eyes, "Show some fucking respect." My breath was coming fast and hard, adrenaline flowing through my veins. I could feel the tension coming off of Ben's body in waves.
Shit. I had forgotten how big Vinny was. For some reason in my anger it hadn't occurred to me that he might fight back. But it didn't matter - we were in this now, there was no turning back. I glared up at Vinny, my heart pumping faster and faster as I pushed myself up onto my feet. "You want respect? I'll show you respect when you've earned it, asshole. And it takes more than just a stitched-on letter to get my respect, I'll tell you that." I punctuated each sentence with a hard shove to Vinny's chest, each one harder than the last.
I stumbled back with each shove he gave me, my feet tripping on the carpet as I hadn't noticed how strong he was before. I put a hand against the wall to stop myself from falling and breathed heavily, watching Ben's eyes turn hard. I didn't think that he was going to keep coming after me but when he took another step forward, I stepped to meet him, grabbing his shoulders, noticing how Ben's muscles were bunched under his shirt and this time I pushed him against the wall. "What's it take then? You think you've got the fucking answer? Tell me what it takes." I heard my voice crack with anger, my fingers digging into Ben's body. "Enlighten me, you little prick."
My eyes widened as I felt the pressure of Vinny's hands on my shoulders. There was an edge in his voice that was almost wild, inhuman. I knew if it came down to a true fight, I didn't stand a chance. While I had always been able to drop the gloves, someone with the height and weight advantage that Vinny had would obviously have the upper hand.
I struggled against the strong grip, steeling my expression so as not to give away my own fear. As I returned Vinny's glare, though, I started to notice something - a hint of uncertainty, a hint of desperation that was masked in his anger. Something in Vinny's voice was pleading even as he held me against the wall. Still, the long fingers continued to bruise my shoulders until Vinny's arms were shaking with the effort.
I don't know how long I held on to Ben for, maybe minutes or maybe just seconds, but long enough, hard enough to cause my right hand to cramp. The pain cleared the haze from my brain making me realize what I was doing to him. I sucked in a sharp breath, avoiding Ben's searching gaze, loosening my fingers. I felt like I was watching this from afar, what kind of man, what kind of teammate, fuck, what kind of captain was I to treat my player like this.
I watched my fingers uncurl slowly, my knuckles slowing regaining colour as the blood rushed back to them. I lifted my hands to look at them, feeling as though they weren't mine, these fingers didn't belong on my arms. I slowly lifted my gaze to Ben's, feeling the tears prick the backs of my eyes. I thought I heard a whimper escape my mouth before my legs gave out, sending me collapsing to the floor in front of Ben. "Oh.... god..." I could feel my chest tightening, the words struggling in my throat as I curled up at his feet, "I'm so sorry...."
I stared down in horror as this man, who had seconds ago seemed ready to kill me, now lay crumpled at my feet. I didn't know what to do, my body was still shaking from fear and adrenaline. "Vinny?" I asked quietly and I thought about putting a hand on his shoulder but pulled back. Instead I knelt down next to him and after a moment wrapped a tentative arm around his shoulder. My heart broke as I watched the once proud face become awash with tears, and I pulled Vinny's head onto my chest, rocking him back and forth. "It's okay," I whispered, "It's going to be okay." I didn't know what was wrong or whether it really would be okay. I just knew that Vinny needed to hear me say it, even if we both knew it was a lie.
I could feel the tears run down my cheeks, leaving hot trails on my dry skin, Ben's shirt soaking them up as he held me. My shoulders shook with the sobs that wracked my body, my breath catching with every inhale and exhale. He was murmuring to me quietly, offering soothing words as he stroked my hair softly. I couldn't feel anything except for the hard concrete floor under my body, it's coldness seeping into my muscles, into my soul. Was this it? Had I finally broken? I closed my eyes, trying to hide from everything, curling up into a tighter ball.
I continued to rock Vinny, not sure what else to say but keeping my voice low and calm. It was killing me to see him like this, not knowing how to take away his pain. I could feel his muscles tightening as I held him. His sobs slowly quieted until we were just sitting there, holding each other. I continued to run my fingers through his hair, not wanting to move, not wanting his body to pull away from mine. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to hold him again, and as I sat there with him enfolded in my arms I let my hands run over his taut muscles, memorizing every inch of his body before he pulled away.
I slowly sat up, untangling from the warmth and solidness that Ben had wrapped around me. I wiped my hand over my face, not wanting to look at him, not wanting to meet his eyes afraid of what I was going to see there. I was a mess, if he didn't like me before, what was he going to think now? I wanted him to like me, more than I was willing to admit. His hands had felt good on my body, different than Brad's. I stood up slowly, unkinking my tight joints, stretching until my back popped. I glanced shyly at Ben who had remained on the floor and saw nothing but concern in his eyes. I quickly looked at my feet, shuffling them. "Uh, so, um, I'm sorry. I don't know what happened to me. I promise it will never happen again."
I watched as embarrassment washed over his face. He was avoiding my eyes, but a small voice inside of me was crying out for him to look at me, reach out to me. My face flushed at the thought and I jumped up, brushing myself off shakily. "Um, it's okay. Really. It's not a problem. Are you... um... yeah, never mind." I rubbed my arm awkwardly, looking down at the floor. I didn't really know what to say, he had been so vulnerable with me and I was suddenly a babbling idiot.
I shook my head quickly and glanced up, catching him staring at me, confused. I laughed a little and closed my eyes. "Sorry, I'm just tired." I took a breath and shyly placed my hand on his sturdy shoulder. "Anytime you need to talk..." I trailed off, leaving my hand there for just a moment, feeling the bulk of his muscle warming my palm.
I glanced at the hand on my shoulder, taking in his strong forearm that lightly freckled, noting how his t-shirt stretched over his bicep. I reached my hand out, following the same path my eyes had taken, my palm sensitive to the way his arm felt, lightly brushed with hair. I curled my hand around his neck, pulling him toward me. His grip tightened on my shoulder and he tugged me down, or at least I thought he did, his fingers burning my skin. I slid my other arm around his waist, lifting him slightly as I bent my head to his, taking in the scent of his skin. It was different than I was used to, he was different than I was used to. I could feel his breathing quicken and his mouth opened to say something but I cut it off as I pressed my mouth to his.
As soon as his lips were pressed to mine I felt my whole body go limp. He lifted me up as though it were easy, like I weighed nothing at all. Whatever warning sounds there may have been in my head were quickly silenced as I melted into his firm body, my lips parting slightly to allow his tongue to enter. The passion with which I responded surprised me - was it possible I had been wanting this the whole time, my anger and annoyance covering up a deeper desire? I started to feel dizzy and I reluctantly pulled away, resting my forehead on his and trying to catch my breath, my arms still clutching his as I slowly regained the feeling in my legs. My eyes closed, my breathing slowing, I tried to speak but my voice only came out as a broken whisper, the words incoherent.
"Pardonnez-moi? Je n'ai pas attrapé cela. Pouvez-vous le répéter?" I waited for his answer as I loosened my grip on him, still holding him close as I rubbed my hands down his back, feeling the cords of muscles shift as he moved his feet. I tilted my head back, looking at his upturned face, falling into his eyes which were looking back at me with a question in them. Ah, right. I gave him a small smile as I realized what happened. I rarely spoke French anymore but sometimes it slipped out, surprising me and everyone around, in this case, just Ben. I tried again, hoping English came out this time, "What did you say?"
I laughed softly, lowering my eyes. I spoke a little French, most of it being limited to "voulez-vous couchez avec moi, ce soir" - and despite the moment we had just shared, I didn't think that particular phrase would exactly be appropriate. "I think I asked what we were doing," I answered, lifting my gaze back up to his perfectly sculpted features, my eyes searching for the response I wanted to hear. I wasn't even sure what that was, but as long as he kept his hands where they were I didn't care.
My hands began their own timid exploration of his back, softly tracing the ripples and moving up to his shoulders, the shoulders that earlier had slammed me into the glass, the arms that had moments ago been pressing me against the wall in anger. I shivered at the thought of those same arms pinning me down in a moment of passion and my fingers dug into his shoulders. I tilted my head up towards him in the hopes of another kiss, not wanting to wait for his response to my question.
I met his mouth with mine, plunging my tongue into his mouth, tasting nothing but Ben. I gasped as he gripped my shoulders tighter, clinging to me and wrapped my arms tight around him, sliding a leg between his thighs. It had been so long since I had felt like this with adrenaline flowing through my veins, my earlier anger turning into a lust that burned. I pulled his bottom lip into my mouth, tugging on it gently, and then harder until I heard him give in, letting out a whimper. I could feel my cock get hard and strain against my jeans as I pressed him against the wall for the second time that afternoon. I didn't want to answer his question, I just wanted him. I could feel my legs start to shake with anticipation as I kept him pinned, sliding my hands down to the waistband of his jeans, lifting the hem of his shirt, feeling the hot skin of his tight stomach. I moaned into his mouth, my whole body feeling electrified.
The sound of his moan made the blood rush directly to my dick, and as he pressed me against the wall, I could feel him hard against me. I felt both submissive and in complete control, experiencing complete pain and complete pleasure all at once. His hands spread across my stomach and the sudden touch of his skin on mine made me jump slightly, and I wanted to feel them all over me. I wanted him to release me from the pressure of my clothing, which suddenly felt much too tight on my tingling body. I pulled my lips away from his and placed them on his neck, that thick, muscular neck I had been staring at for weeks. I wanted to lick it all over, suck on it, bite it. My teeth found his skin and I nibbled tentatively at the base of his neck, eliciting another moan that made my knees weak. I could have thrown him down and let him fuck me right there in the hallway, but suddenly I stopped, panting, and pulled away.
The sudden disappearance of Ben's teeth on my skin and the movement of his body pulling away left me unbalanced. I threw a hand up to the wall to catch myself from falling and he took a couple of steps back. My own breath was coming as fast as his, and I could feel my eyes get heavy as I focussed on the way his strong chest heaved beneath his t-shirt, on the way he flicked his tongue out to wet his lips. I didn't want him to stop, I wanted to keep him pinned to the wall. I watched as a flurry of emotions ran their way across his face. I wondered what mine was showing. My voice was low and husky as I spoke, "Everything okay?"
"I'm sorry...I can't do this. We can't do this." I couldn't find the words I wanted to say, couldn't find the explanation that would make him or me understand why I had stopped. Looking at him apologetically, I walked away in silence.
"Ben, wait!" I called after him, my voice carrying down the hall. "Ben! Don't leave me." I hadn't meant for that to come out, making me sound like a whiny brat. My chest tightened as he disappeared around the corner, leaving me surrounded by the memories of what just happened in an otherwise empty hallway. I leaned against the wall, it was cool under my back, and tried to figure what happened, why he had left. It's not like he was seeing someone, not that I knew of anyways, but I was. Oh fuck. I was. Shit. I glanced at my watch, knowing that the someone was waiting for me at home.
hockey_joy and
ovielove
Title: Until Now
Chapter: 2
Pairing: Vincent Lecavalier / Ben Clymer
Notes: Takes place during the Tampa Bay Lightning's 1999-2000 season; work in progress...
I reached for a water bottle from the edge of the boards and shot a stream of water into my mouth, letting most of it run down my chin before returning to my teammates. Vinny was demonstrating the next drill, and I found myself frowning slightly at the patronizing tone he was using. The little brat had been captain for only a few weeks and already he was acting like he owned them all. I clenched my teeth in annoyance as Vinny continued to bark orders.
There was no denying he was a good skater - great, actually. And in spite of myself, I had to admit the kid was pretty hot, with a thick trunk-like neck and chiseled body that made him seem like a Greek god. The problem was, Vinny knew it... all of it. It was so annoying, partly because until now it had always been me who was the hero, the leader, the best-looking guy. Back in Minnesota, I had practically been worshipped, leading my high school to the national championship. Seeing this guy two years younger stealing my dreams and living that fantasy life was more than I could take.
I stood back and watched the team go through the drill I had shown them. When Coach had given me the captaincy, I leapt at the chance. It gave me the chance to order people around, making them hang off my every word, scrambling to get the drill done right and that made me feel powerful for a while. I kept mental notes, keeping track of who was executing it and who needed a bit more work like Ben. "Clymer, let's go! Get those feet moving!" I could see anger flash in the hazel eyes that glared at me as he skated by.
I pushed off with my skate and caught up to Ben, following him through the pylons. I kept my eyes on the back of his jersey, pushing him to move faster. Why did I have to push guys to work harder? Weren't we all here for the same thing? I could tell that the Ben was slowing down around the corner and took advantage of it, slamming him into the boards. I leaned into growl in the older man's ear, noticing the sweat dripping down his cheek, having a brief vision of licking it away, "What the fuck is your problem, Clymes? Too fast for you in the big league?"
As Vinny's voice echoed in my ear, I clenched my fists in anger but forced myself to stay silent. He was trying to get at me, get under my skin, and it was working. Damn it. Vinny wanted a fight, but I refused to give him the satisfaction and skated away from that smirking face without a word. When I reached the boards I hunched over, resting my stick across my knees and trying to catch my breath before joining in with the cool down stretch. When we were done, I slowly followed the rest of the team towards the locker room.
With every step the anger seemed to bubble up inside of me. That little pissant, calling me out in front of the whole team, making me look weak and slow, singling me out and embarrassing me. Once inside the others seemed to sense the tension and avoided my eyes, which only increased my anger. I may not exactly be brimming over with friends, but I certainly didn't need their fucking sympathy. One by one they filed out of the locker room, leaving me at my stall, my heart pounding in my chest as Vinny's words played over and over in my head.
I stood in the doorway to the trainer's room, my arms folded over my chest, nodding to the players as they left. I had showered and dressed quickly, wanting to be the good captain, thanking the boys for their good work. Or most of them anyways; I frowned when I saw Ben still sitting on the bench in his gear, his shoulders hunched and head hung down. Brad had stopped in to wait for me but I waved him off, telling him I had to visit with the coach after practice. He had given me a suspicious look and I had felt a twinge of guilt about lying to him about why I wasn't going home but I wanted some extra time at the rink, taking advantage of the whirlpool with no one around.
When I first was given the C to wear, I was so proud, but now I could feel stress seeping into my bones. I hadn't wanted to push everyone so hard today but dammit, if I was going to work my ass off, everyone else should too. I peeked around the corner and saw that Ben was slowing packing up his gear. I ducked out of the room before he noticed me and stepped into the hallway to grab a drink from the machine. Standing with my eyes shut, head tilted back, I chugged the water down, feeling the cool liquid wash down my throat.
I zipped up my bag in the empty room, grateful for some peace to calm my head and make my thinking clear again. All I could think of was Vinny's face close to mine, the nearness of his body warming my own. I shook my head, unsure as to whether I was angry or turned on and not really sure which one I preferred. As I poked my arm through the sleeve of my coat, I heard a sound coming from the hallway, and I cursed silently to myself. I didn't really feel like seeing anyone right now and contemplated staying in the room a while longer, but thought better of it as the pungent smell of sweat reminded me of how nice fresh air was.
Stepping cautiously out of the door I craned my head around to check the hallway. When I saw Vinny standing there, bringing the bottle up to his perfect mouth, I froze for a moment, then slowly started moving towards him. The anger that had threatened to boil over earlier returned and I quickened my pace down the hall until I found myself in front of Vinny. With one swoop I knocked the water out of his hand and grabbed him by the shirt, pushing him up against the wall. "You have a problem with me, Vinny? You think you can do everything better than me, think you're such a big man with that stupid C on your shirt? Who the fuck do you think you are? You're nobody, hear me? Nobody!"
I felt the wind get knocked out of my chest as I was thrown against the wall, grimacing as the handle of a door dug into my kidney. I searched Ben's face frantically, with a twinge of fear curling at the back of my neck. I had been treated like this before and I didn't need it from him. Ben's words cut into my soul making my heart start to race. "What the fuck?" I shifted my weight, throwing those extra twenty pounds I had on the smaller man into good use, knocking Ben off balance. I rose up, towering over him. "You don't get to talk to me like that, I'm your fucking captain." I pushed Ben against the drink machine, shaking it. I snarled at him, my anger matching that reflected in Ben's eyes, "Show some fucking respect." My breath was coming fast and hard, adrenaline flowing through my veins. I could feel the tension coming off of Ben's body in waves.
Shit. I had forgotten how big Vinny was. For some reason in my anger it hadn't occurred to me that he might fight back. But it didn't matter - we were in this now, there was no turning back. I glared up at Vinny, my heart pumping faster and faster as I pushed myself up onto my feet. "You want respect? I'll show you respect when you've earned it, asshole. And it takes more than just a stitched-on letter to get my respect, I'll tell you that." I punctuated each sentence with a hard shove to Vinny's chest, each one harder than the last.
I stumbled back with each shove he gave me, my feet tripping on the carpet as I hadn't noticed how strong he was before. I put a hand against the wall to stop myself from falling and breathed heavily, watching Ben's eyes turn hard. I didn't think that he was going to keep coming after me but when he took another step forward, I stepped to meet him, grabbing his shoulders, noticing how Ben's muscles were bunched under his shirt and this time I pushed him against the wall. "What's it take then? You think you've got the fucking answer? Tell me what it takes." I heard my voice crack with anger, my fingers digging into Ben's body. "Enlighten me, you little prick."
My eyes widened as I felt the pressure of Vinny's hands on my shoulders. There was an edge in his voice that was almost wild, inhuman. I knew if it came down to a true fight, I didn't stand a chance. While I had always been able to drop the gloves, someone with the height and weight advantage that Vinny had would obviously have the upper hand.
I struggled against the strong grip, steeling my expression so as not to give away my own fear. As I returned Vinny's glare, though, I started to notice something - a hint of uncertainty, a hint of desperation that was masked in his anger. Something in Vinny's voice was pleading even as he held me against the wall. Still, the long fingers continued to bruise my shoulders until Vinny's arms were shaking with the effort.
I don't know how long I held on to Ben for, maybe minutes or maybe just seconds, but long enough, hard enough to cause my right hand to cramp. The pain cleared the haze from my brain making me realize what I was doing to him. I sucked in a sharp breath, avoiding Ben's searching gaze, loosening my fingers. I felt like I was watching this from afar, what kind of man, what kind of teammate, fuck, what kind of captain was I to treat my player like this.
I watched my fingers uncurl slowly, my knuckles slowing regaining colour as the blood rushed back to them. I lifted my hands to look at them, feeling as though they weren't mine, these fingers didn't belong on my arms. I slowly lifted my gaze to Ben's, feeling the tears prick the backs of my eyes. I thought I heard a whimper escape my mouth before my legs gave out, sending me collapsing to the floor in front of Ben. "Oh.... god..." I could feel my chest tightening, the words struggling in my throat as I curled up at his feet, "I'm so sorry...."
I stared down in horror as this man, who had seconds ago seemed ready to kill me, now lay crumpled at my feet. I didn't know what to do, my body was still shaking from fear and adrenaline. "Vinny?" I asked quietly and I thought about putting a hand on his shoulder but pulled back. Instead I knelt down next to him and after a moment wrapped a tentative arm around his shoulder. My heart broke as I watched the once proud face become awash with tears, and I pulled Vinny's head onto my chest, rocking him back and forth. "It's okay," I whispered, "It's going to be okay." I didn't know what was wrong or whether it really would be okay. I just knew that Vinny needed to hear me say it, even if we both knew it was a lie.
I could feel the tears run down my cheeks, leaving hot trails on my dry skin, Ben's shirt soaking them up as he held me. My shoulders shook with the sobs that wracked my body, my breath catching with every inhale and exhale. He was murmuring to me quietly, offering soothing words as he stroked my hair softly. I couldn't feel anything except for the hard concrete floor under my body, it's coldness seeping into my muscles, into my soul. Was this it? Had I finally broken? I closed my eyes, trying to hide from everything, curling up into a tighter ball.
I continued to rock Vinny, not sure what else to say but keeping my voice low and calm. It was killing me to see him like this, not knowing how to take away his pain. I could feel his muscles tightening as I held him. His sobs slowly quieted until we were just sitting there, holding each other. I continued to run my fingers through his hair, not wanting to move, not wanting his body to pull away from mine. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to hold him again, and as I sat there with him enfolded in my arms I let my hands run over his taut muscles, memorizing every inch of his body before he pulled away.
I slowly sat up, untangling from the warmth and solidness that Ben had wrapped around me. I wiped my hand over my face, not wanting to look at him, not wanting to meet his eyes afraid of what I was going to see there. I was a mess, if he didn't like me before, what was he going to think now? I wanted him to like me, more than I was willing to admit. His hands had felt good on my body, different than Brad's. I stood up slowly, unkinking my tight joints, stretching until my back popped. I glanced shyly at Ben who had remained on the floor and saw nothing but concern in his eyes. I quickly looked at my feet, shuffling them. "Uh, so, um, I'm sorry. I don't know what happened to me. I promise it will never happen again."
I watched as embarrassment washed over his face. He was avoiding my eyes, but a small voice inside of me was crying out for him to look at me, reach out to me. My face flushed at the thought and I jumped up, brushing myself off shakily. "Um, it's okay. Really. It's not a problem. Are you... um... yeah, never mind." I rubbed my arm awkwardly, looking down at the floor. I didn't really know what to say, he had been so vulnerable with me and I was suddenly a babbling idiot.
I shook my head quickly and glanced up, catching him staring at me, confused. I laughed a little and closed my eyes. "Sorry, I'm just tired." I took a breath and shyly placed my hand on his sturdy shoulder. "Anytime you need to talk..." I trailed off, leaving my hand there for just a moment, feeling the bulk of his muscle warming my palm.
I glanced at the hand on my shoulder, taking in his strong forearm that lightly freckled, noting how his t-shirt stretched over his bicep. I reached my hand out, following the same path my eyes had taken, my palm sensitive to the way his arm felt, lightly brushed with hair. I curled my hand around his neck, pulling him toward me. His grip tightened on my shoulder and he tugged me down, or at least I thought he did, his fingers burning my skin. I slid my other arm around his waist, lifting him slightly as I bent my head to his, taking in the scent of his skin. It was different than I was used to, he was different than I was used to. I could feel his breathing quicken and his mouth opened to say something but I cut it off as I pressed my mouth to his.
As soon as his lips were pressed to mine I felt my whole body go limp. He lifted me up as though it were easy, like I weighed nothing at all. Whatever warning sounds there may have been in my head were quickly silenced as I melted into his firm body, my lips parting slightly to allow his tongue to enter. The passion with which I responded surprised me - was it possible I had been wanting this the whole time, my anger and annoyance covering up a deeper desire? I started to feel dizzy and I reluctantly pulled away, resting my forehead on his and trying to catch my breath, my arms still clutching his as I slowly regained the feeling in my legs. My eyes closed, my breathing slowing, I tried to speak but my voice only came out as a broken whisper, the words incoherent.
"Pardonnez-moi? Je n'ai pas attrapé cela. Pouvez-vous le répéter?" I waited for his answer as I loosened my grip on him, still holding him close as I rubbed my hands down his back, feeling the cords of muscles shift as he moved his feet. I tilted my head back, looking at his upturned face, falling into his eyes which were looking back at me with a question in them. Ah, right. I gave him a small smile as I realized what happened. I rarely spoke French anymore but sometimes it slipped out, surprising me and everyone around, in this case, just Ben. I tried again, hoping English came out this time, "What did you say?"
I laughed softly, lowering my eyes. I spoke a little French, most of it being limited to "voulez-vous couchez avec moi, ce soir" - and despite the moment we had just shared, I didn't think that particular phrase would exactly be appropriate. "I think I asked what we were doing," I answered, lifting my gaze back up to his perfectly sculpted features, my eyes searching for the response I wanted to hear. I wasn't even sure what that was, but as long as he kept his hands where they were I didn't care.
My hands began their own timid exploration of his back, softly tracing the ripples and moving up to his shoulders, the shoulders that earlier had slammed me into the glass, the arms that had moments ago been pressing me against the wall in anger. I shivered at the thought of those same arms pinning me down in a moment of passion and my fingers dug into his shoulders. I tilted my head up towards him in the hopes of another kiss, not wanting to wait for his response to my question.
I met his mouth with mine, plunging my tongue into his mouth, tasting nothing but Ben. I gasped as he gripped my shoulders tighter, clinging to me and wrapped my arms tight around him, sliding a leg between his thighs. It had been so long since I had felt like this with adrenaline flowing through my veins, my earlier anger turning into a lust that burned. I pulled his bottom lip into my mouth, tugging on it gently, and then harder until I heard him give in, letting out a whimper. I could feel my cock get hard and strain against my jeans as I pressed him against the wall for the second time that afternoon. I didn't want to answer his question, I just wanted him. I could feel my legs start to shake with anticipation as I kept him pinned, sliding my hands down to the waistband of his jeans, lifting the hem of his shirt, feeling the hot skin of his tight stomach. I moaned into his mouth, my whole body feeling electrified.
The sound of his moan made the blood rush directly to my dick, and as he pressed me against the wall, I could feel him hard against me. I felt both submissive and in complete control, experiencing complete pain and complete pleasure all at once. His hands spread across my stomach and the sudden touch of his skin on mine made me jump slightly, and I wanted to feel them all over me. I wanted him to release me from the pressure of my clothing, which suddenly felt much too tight on my tingling body. I pulled my lips away from his and placed them on his neck, that thick, muscular neck I had been staring at for weeks. I wanted to lick it all over, suck on it, bite it. My teeth found his skin and I nibbled tentatively at the base of his neck, eliciting another moan that made my knees weak. I could have thrown him down and let him fuck me right there in the hallway, but suddenly I stopped, panting, and pulled away.
The sudden disappearance of Ben's teeth on my skin and the movement of his body pulling away left me unbalanced. I threw a hand up to the wall to catch myself from falling and he took a couple of steps back. My own breath was coming as fast as his, and I could feel my eyes get heavy as I focussed on the way his strong chest heaved beneath his t-shirt, on the way he flicked his tongue out to wet his lips. I didn't want him to stop, I wanted to keep him pinned to the wall. I watched as a flurry of emotions ran their way across his face. I wondered what mine was showing. My voice was low and husky as I spoke, "Everything okay?"
"I'm sorry...I can't do this. We can't do this." I couldn't find the words I wanted to say, couldn't find the explanation that would make him or me understand why I had stopped. Looking at him apologetically, I walked away in silence.
"Ben, wait!" I called after him, my voice carrying down the hall. "Ben! Don't leave me." I hadn't meant for that to come out, making me sound like a whiny brat. My chest tightened as he disappeared around the corner, leaving me surrounded by the memories of what just happened in an otherwise empty hallway. I leaned against the wall, it was cool under my back, and tried to figure what happened, why he had left. It's not like he was seeing someone, not that I knew of anyways, but I was. Oh fuck. I was. Shit. I glanced at my watch, knowing that the someone was waiting for me at home.