RP Log with halfway2heaven | No Regrets
The phone call Bella managed to finally get a hold of Rick with lasted all of ninety seconds. Just long enough for her to agree to drop around after work to see him when he asked before her pager went off with an alert that one of her post-op ICU patients had just gone into cardiac arrest. Just about the rest of her afternoon was tied up, and she had to cancel all of her non-urgent clinic appointments and have them rescheduled to later in the week. Then to top it all off, she got a call from Aaron around four pm and learnt that Evil Pad Thai had struck again, all over the back of the chopper, and his new boss had sent him home. But once she heard that he wasn't even unpacked in his new apartment, she told him she would pick him up from work and take him back to her place. She managed to leave early with her pager in easy reach in case of any other emergencies, and text messaged Rick to explain she would be later than she anticipated. Aaron was a mess, the food poisoning leading him to curl up in a ball on her sofa. She gave him a bucket and a two litre bottle of water, tucked a light blanket over him and made sure the remote controls for the TV were in easy reach. It was something he was just going to have to ride out and he assured her he would be fine and didn't need to change any plans for him.
Bella couldn't help being torn. This was her big brother, of course she wanted to hang around and look after him. This is how she knew exactly how Chris had felt, just on a much grander scale. But Aaron picked up on the way she was acting, and although he didn't outright accuse her of having a date, he did reassure her that he could handle food poisoning alone but would call her if he wasn't okay. She stayed with him a little longer, returning a few calls for work she had put off while she sat on the arm rest of the sofa and rubbed his back for a little while. He was asleep when she left, and just to be on the safe side, she wrote Chris' home phone number down on a notepad for Aaron in case her cell phone ended up out of range or dead or lost. She was just being over-cautious. It was a habit she would never shake.
Now she was back at Chris' apartment with Rick. Amusingly, Serena had taken Chris along to a yoga class and Rick was convinced his brother had only agreed because he wanted to perve on Serena with her legs up over her head, among other things. "He's going to regret that in the morning," Bella guessed as she placed her handbag down on the nearby armchair. "I remember the first yoga class I ever tried. I couldn't move for three days. It was also my last yoga class. There was no getting in touch with my inner goddess to be had, I'm afraid. I'm sorry about giving you the bum steer repeatedly today. I've had a shocking day, and I seem destined to be up to my tits in vomit lately. How are you feeling? Any better? Worse? Any new, strange, or interesting side effects I should know about?" She held her hand up before he accidentally took offense at her comment. "I'm sorry. That wasn't a dig at you, or cancer or chemo. I'm actually referring to food poisoning this time. Freaky Pad Thai. Remind me to never eat at San Wong's Seaside Thai."
Rick reached out to touch Bella's hand briefly as he gave her a lopsided smile. He couldn't deny that as soon as she showed up he'd felt relieved. For a while he had been kicking himself over calling her and figuring he'd just managed to fuck up monumentally. His conversation with his brother was still fresh in his mind, especially the part where Chris had said he'd feel it in his gut if it wasn't just projection. If Bella was someone special. He also realised he didn't know her all that well, and Rick really wanted to change that. All he had was an attraction, an admiration for her as a doctor, and enough to know he liked the person he thought she was.
"You wouldn't get me doing yoga. Chris is more than welcome to it, but I'm sure he really does just want to get a better, ah, understanding of Serena's flexibility." He smirked a little before his eyebrows drew together in concern. "Who had the food poisoning? Not you, right? Are you okay? You being up to your tits in vomit is a very... vivid piece of imagery, by the way. And I'm okay. Nothing new, no food poisoning. My brother slept with me. In a non-incest way. He couldn't sleep and came to me."
Bella rested her hand on his arm and then rubbed his shoulder with a smile. "No, no. Not me. Thankfully. I have a patient load that demands I don't get my butt sick. I have too much to do. I had a bit of a surprise visitor in the form of my big brother, Aaron. He informs me he has a brand new job here and he's moving up from New York. Or moved up, to be correct. First day on the job, and he eats a dodgy takeaway. He needed something to stop it, only stopping food poisoning completely is usually impossible. He's another typical stubborn male. I seem to be surrounded by them of late," she said with a smirk. "He came to sleep with you? Hey, that's excellent. That's a good thing, right? I had a quick chat to Serena, and she mentioned he wasn't sleeping well. It must've been interesting for you to experience, though."
Rick's eyebrows shot up and he found that he was actually speechless for a moment, suddenly caught up with fear over the appearance of a big brother. Hospital administration didn't seem as scary as a big brother did. He didn't miss the irony about being scared of a big brother when he was one himself. He just realised that Bella didn't have the same relationship with Aaron that Rick had with Chris. "Wow, that's... ah, wow. Definitely a surprise. He didn't give you any warning at all? Not that I can judge, but still. Not all big brothers are me, right?" He tried to laugh it off, and wound up coughing instead. "Sorry to hear he got landed with food poisoning though. That's just rough. Yeah, he did. It was weird at first when I realised he was next to me, but then we just got to talking. I think it's getting easier. He told me about the dreams. They keep ending with him realising I'm not there. That I'm... gone."
"Az is a tough cookie. He wanted to surprise me, he just missed the mark." Bella didn't miss his reaction and she watch him closely for a moment. "A bit strange for you to hear I'm a bit more beyond the scrubs and lab coat, huh? You know I have family because I've mentioned them in passing, but to suddenly realise they're actually in the flesh is another story. You can ask me anything, you know. I'll be as honest as I can. I really don't have a whole lot of secrets, not many regrets. I guess in that sense, cancer wasn't such a curse for me. It just taught me to see the world through different eyes than most." She wet her lips and tucked her hand in under his elbow. "That's got to be a hard thing to swallow. Massive that he admitted it to you, but to be on the receiving end of an admission like that can't be easy. It shows you how scared he is of losing you, though. You've got time, though. Don't waste anymore of it."
Rick looked down at her hand tucked in under his elbow and tried to work out what it meant. It wasn't a doctorly touch. They weren't even really talking about doctor-patient things. Not entirely. She was also offering herself up for questioning, and he wet his lips before he just got used to the feeling of her next to him. He reached up to tuck some of her hair back behind her ear and let his thumb brush against her cheek. "Does that mean he's in for some sisterly retribution? At least he's still better at surprises than I am. No, it's not strange. I know you're more than the scrubs and lab coat. Just before I got the idea your family weren't in Miami. They weren't so real. Not so there for possible threats to my reproductive organs." Rick pressed his lips together as he gave a nod. "Yeah, I know. And I don't want to waste it. I don't want to miss anything. I want to be there."
Bella was surprised when she didn't feel that inner bristling when he touched her face. No urge to pull away and remind him they should keep their distance. She just couldn't overwrite the fact that beyond having cancer and being her patient, Rick was still a sweet guy. He was a lonely guy, and she felt if he had the chance, he would have the right mojo for a lot of the things in his life he wanted. It was easy for most other people, it was natural. But the Deleo brothers sounded like they had been through tough times and she could tell that a lot of the shitty things Rick had done had probably more been a response to growing up in a tough environment. She laughed and nodded. "Oh yes. He'll pay. As soon as he feels better and isn't at too much risk of throwing up on me, he'll pay. And you know what? They were always real, just not in the same state." She held up her hand and dug around in her bag to find her purse. She slipped a photo of her with her brothers out and handed it to him. "That's Aaron on the left. He's an Air Medic, so not an automatic enemy, I promise. The younger one is Lewis, pretty much the black sheep of the family. He didn't want anything to do with medicine and became a chef. And before you wonder, yes, he's gay. Not like it would be hard to miss considering the shirt he is wearing. Either of them would kick your ass if the need was there. Sorry, love," she added in amusement and messed his hair up. "Hey, you stick around long enough, you might see him make it up the aisle... maybe give you a niece or nephew. They seem like a perfect match."
Rick was personally relieved when she didn't pull away, but he wasn't about to push his luck much further either. Even if he had been thinking about kissing her, and even if he and Chris had been discussing their girls as masturbation material. Bella wasn't his girl yet, though. She was still his doctor who he was crushing on badly, and who had crossed the line during one amazing evening. He took the photo and gazed down at her and her brothers, seeing the big smiles and the familial love that seemed to be absent in any photo he had taken with Chris. Bar the one he'd presented the younger Deleo with for his birthday. It made him want to get a camera out now, but he didn't want to be looking like death. "Air Medic? Huh, small world. Not that I'm about to try and get a job here any time soon. Gay chef, huh? I'm sure if I was that way inclined, I'd think he was cute. I hope I don't ever give them need. My ass can be sore enough lately." He smirked as she ruffled his hair and nudged her back in return. "I asked him about the marriage thing. It's on his mind. Serena's the first one that had him thinking about it. Not surprising given his supposed role models. He'd make a great dad. He'd be everything ours wasn't."
Bella tilted her head, looking at the photo of her brothers. "He's sickening, Lewis is. He always seems to pull off the committed relationship thing without any hassle. Ironically, he's made to be a family man. He'll be the first to give mom and dad grandkids, without a doubt. That's a trait that seemed to have skipped Az and me completely." She looked up at him with a frown. "You don't think you have what it takes to be a father? Not even some day down the track? Or you just don't want kids?"
Rick smiled as he handed the photo back. "Even I'm starting to be jealous of him. How come you never got it together and had kids? I, um... Tuck was the ex, right? Chris said something about it being him. Did you ever wanna do the family thing with him? If your schedules had worked out. What about Aaron? He's not involved with anyone?" Rick shrugged. "I'm on the fence enough to want to not have my ability to have kids destroyed by the chemo. I just don't know, though. I don't know what I'd be like as a father."
Bella slipped the photo back in her bag and then went over to sit down, the busy day starting to catch up with her. She sat forward a little and tucked her hair behind her ears with a smile. "Yeah, Tuck was real special. We had a lot of fun. He still is, but we're both ambitious and our jobs are very, very different. You've probably noticed how all over the place your brother's job can be. Tuck has a similar schedule. He's the MT1 Charge Nurse, meaning he is the nursing boss over there. It would have been impossible for us to get on the same page often enough to be satisfied with what we were doing. But to answer your question... no, I didn't want a family with him. I've never let myself stop to think about family with anyone. Because, um... there's a good chance I can't have one anyway."
Rick came to sit next to her and tucked his hand around hers as he listened. It would be unreasonable of him to be jealous of Tuck, and he felt guilty even being a little glad that things hadn't worked out between them, but he still couldn't help but be relieved she hadn't felt an urge to have a family with the Charge Nurse. "Yeah, I really do not envy Chris' hours. Now that he's here and Serena's the one coming in and out at odd hours, I don't envy them at all. Was it the cancer? Is that you might not be able to have a family?"
Bella shook her head, glancing at him hesitantly. "No, it was the chemo. I was young, just starting to hit puberty. Never had a normal period, or anything like that. It's never been confirmed, it's not like I've tried or anything, but my doctors prepared me for the worst, and I dealt with that. I was always too ambitious anyway. You don't just try for a kid to see if it works if you don't want one. I get a lot out of my life, I don't really need babies. Maybe one day my brothers will make me an aunty and I'll rock it," she laughed. "Don't get me wrong, I love children. A lot of my patients are young ones. I'll just leave the parent thing up to everyone else."
Rick gave her hand a soft squeeze. "I'm sorry. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the immediate effects, let alone the long-term ones. I get the mindset though. If it's not something you were considering, it's not something that worries you. Maybe I should be thinking like that, but I don't know. I feel like I still had a chance if I wanted it. I'm selfish, I know. If Chris made me an uncle though, I really would be happy. Maybe I am just meant to be an uncle."
"It's different for you, love. I was young when I got sick. It was a non-issue. It was taken from me before I even had a chance to think about it. I was a kid myself. For adults, it crosses most people's minds at some point. It's nice to have the option there if you want it, and it's hard to fathom if it might not be. Unfortunately, it's an issue all people having chemo face. I've had a patient who was pregnant when she got her diagnosis. She chose not to have chemo because it would risk the baby's life... She died. The tumour spread, and she lost the battle before the baby was even born. It's a scary thing, but my own personal opinion and experience, I would rather pay the price of not being able to have to children and live. It's just not something everyone agrees with." Bella smiled and squeezed his hand. "Maybe you are, and he's still young these things will come."
"I think it makes you an amazing doctor. I don't think anyone else could quite understand what the patients are feeling like you do. You make it, well, not easier. Just bearable, I guess. Like we're not alone." Rick nodded. "And hopefully I'm not gone when the time comes. I just want to be here for my brother."
Bella shrugged. "Anyone who has had cancer understands it. Just like anyone who has had an alcoholic father would understand how you felt to grow up. Someone needs to have empathy. It's easy to feel like you're all alone with something, but you're not. When you look at the world differently, though, you tend to get some really weird looks from people who have no idea why you believe in things, why you make certain choices... I just say fuck them. I don't do anything without considering the consequences and sometimes I figure the consequences are worth it. Hell, even when I told people I wanted to be an oncologist, I got weird looks. As if I was tainted and would take it all too personally."
Rick chuckled briefly. "I'm used to weird looks. Maybe just not for my different out look on life, though. Have you ever taken the job too personally? How do you not after everything you've been through?"
"I sometimes find the kid patients hard. The young ones, who have their whole life ahead of them, but I have to sit there and give them and their family how long I believe they have to live. And then when they look at you, like you should be a miracle worker and ask that one question that, no matter how many years experience you have, it never gets easier. It hurts every single time. 'You're an oncologist. Can't you just keep trying? We'll do anything'. It's exactly what my parents said to my doctor. I still remember that appointment as clear as a bell. But the hard part is that I also know how that little child feels. Sometimes, if the sickess takes a strong hold, you lose the fight. You don't want to fight anymore, you just want things to take it's natural course. I got there. They put me in hospital to wait it out, but... they weren't ready for me up there yet." Bella paused with a small smile. "My grandpa said I only got halfway to heaven, that I should stop a bit longer and enjoy the views. I was just ready for the whole trip. Only now, everything I do in my life, I see it as stopping and enjoying the view, not as regrets, because some things, you'll only ever get to try once."
Rick was listening, and all he could think about was that while he had a chance to stop and enjoy the views, there was only two things he wanted. He wanted his brother, and he wanted to spend more time with Bella. He just wasn't sure he could ask it of her without losing her completely. Rick thought that maybe he just had to wait until she felt something in her gut that told her this wasn't projecting. He just wasn't sure he'd want her to risk her job over it either. He wasn't worth it. "Are there still things you want to do?"
"Sure, I guess," Bella replied and then pressed her lips together. "Wants never stop, they just change. Some days I want things more than others. Other times I feel like I've missed the boat. My job is a huge part of my world, so it takes up a lot of time, but..." She paused, squinting a little in thought and pulling her lips to the side. "My family sometimes feel it takes up too much of my time. That I got a second chance on life, I should be a bit more selfish with my time," she admitted.
Rick gave a nod before he picked up her hand again, and rubbed his thumb over it. "Are you not more selfish with it because you just want to help your patients, and be someone that can give them the best care because you know how important it is to have a doctor they can trust? Or is it something else?"
"Okay. If you were a chef, and you had learnt the skills to cook a ten course gourmet meal for diners who just loved food, needed it, would you cook that meal for them, or would you make them go to the McDonald's drive-thru for a burger?" Bella asked him, tilting her head a little. "I do what I do because I can, and I know I do a good job. I have taken the time and worked hard to be able to be a doctor cancer patients need. I like my job. My patients aren't just a number to me, I know them all personally, I know their families, their children, I go to their funerals. I'm not more selfish with my time because ever since I went into remission, I've never believed it was soley my time. My family just disagree. They don't think there is any reason with someone else being the metaphorical chef for me sometimes."
"Some of us have never been the metaphorical chef for anyone ever. I'm in awe of you, Bella. I really am. I don't think it's so much as you needing a chef, but maybe a decent sous chef. Isn't that what they're called? Someone to look out for your needs while you're looking out for the patients." Rick smiled at her a little as he gave her hand a squeeze. "Still probably wondering why the hell you bothered getting to know this patient and their family, right? Bitten off more than you could chew and all."
Bella laughed and held her fingers up close together. "Maybe just a lil bit sometimes. Only because I've actually always been in awe of your brother and his team, and because I... don't take this the wrong way... I find it really sad you two didn't grow up close together, yet it sounds like you've been through some lonely times without each other. Times you could have just been together, without even needing to do anything. I'm not having a go or piling on the sympathy. It's only curiosity because you're both really sweet, and can't quite see your own good qualities all the time."
"Better that than being totally up ourselves with how awesome we are, right?" Rick chuckled as he ran his fingers through his hair "And it's okay, I won't take it the wrong way. You pretty much hit it on the head, so I can't argue. It's my own fault, and I'm just trying to make it up to him."
Bella shrugged and shot him a smile. "Oh, I dunno. I think you two have quite the bag of confidence between you. I've heard the stories about your brother. I think the whole hospital has. I just didn't realise he had a brother. He was a bit of an enigma with his personal life. And to think, he wondered about their new boss and his enigma tendencies. You do know you don't need to make it all up to him, right? Just set it aside and make a fresh start. You seem to be doing okay. It must make you wonder why you kept walking away from him so much in the past."
Rick nodded. "Well, sure. But then I remember why I saw him when I saw him. It was always about money... About getting what I could. I was becoming our Dad. Doesn't make me proud. I'm all for a fresh start, and it's better late than never, right? At least I do still have time for this. For him. I can't blame Chris for his enigma hang-ups. We've given him enough reasons to have issues with trust. I think Serena's the first one to really break through all that. Or to have the patience to."
"I can understand that. The patience thing, I mean. Not the money thing. Was it easy to assume he had a lot of cash because he's a doctor? Or you just knew he would come through, no matter what? Because a resident's wage isn't as hot as everyone thinks it is. You only start earning a healthy wage when you're fully qualified. If he owns his apartment in Miami, I wouldn't think he would have a huge amount left to play with after that," Bella replied and relaxed back a bit. "But then, maybe it's different in trauma. I'm not entirely sure."
"I'm glad someone finally broke through. He shouldn't miss out on happiness. I didn't think about it," Rick admitted quietly. "I guess I always just assumed that since he was a doctor he'd have the money to pull through. And I think I was fucked in the head enough to assume that if he did then that would mean he still cared. I don't know. I really don't. Part of me wonders if I was even the same person. It doesn't feel like me anymore. You know?"
Bella nodded. "Sure, that part I do get. On the cash front, though, you might find he wasn't as flush as it seemed. He doesn't even own a car. I think it means he cared about you a great deal if he was still dipping into his wallet for you unconditionally if he didn't have the cash to spare. Maybe even cared a lot more than you hoped he did. He's paying for your op that went wrong. He cares, Rick. He's cared for you his whole life. You have changed, I don't doubt it, but I think he's consistently been the same person all along."
Rick's shoulders slumped as he sat there, feeling even more like an asshole for how he'd acted over the years. Chris was always the better of them. Always. He really wished he could just write a check and handover everything he owed his brother. But he couldn't. Rick had zero savings. "I know you said I don't have to make it all up to him, but I still need to do something. He's gotta know I love him."
Bella took his hand and cupped it softly between hers, her thumbs brushing over the backs of his fingers. "I know I sound like a broken record, but you already are making it up to him. You also aren't confined to this place, you know. If you're feeling up to it, you could get out and get some fresh air, just take it slow and easy. You mentioned fishing when you were a kid. Why don't you head out to one of the lakes areas and go fishing with him for a couple of hours? I know... it's a little scary, and you'll worry that something will happen. It's natural. You find yourself thinking you need to live in a little clinical bubble, but don't. Okay? Doctor's orders. If you feel okay, keep going. It's as simple as that. It's not a death sentence, and Chris is a extremely qualified doctor, he's even got search and resuce training under his belt. If something happens, you'll be in good hands. Spend time with him. That's the best tool you have because it's what has hurt him the most." She wet her lips slowly and before she really realised what she was doing, she leant in and kissed him.
Rick had been about to agree with the need for some fresh air and then Bella was kissing him. He couldn't help but kiss back, his hand cupping the side of her face before he knotted his fingers in her hair. It felt nice to kiss her. Bella had this taste that Rick wasn't sure he would ever be able to get enough of. And she was soft, and warm, and something he very much needed right now. She made him feel comforted, safe. Happy.
Bella couldn't help being torn. This was her big brother, of course she wanted to hang around and look after him. This is how she knew exactly how Chris had felt, just on a much grander scale. But Aaron picked up on the way she was acting, and although he didn't outright accuse her of having a date, he did reassure her that he could handle food poisoning alone but would call her if he wasn't okay. She stayed with him a little longer, returning a few calls for work she had put off while she sat on the arm rest of the sofa and rubbed his back for a little while. He was asleep when she left, and just to be on the safe side, she wrote Chris' home phone number down on a notepad for Aaron in case her cell phone ended up out of range or dead or lost. She was just being over-cautious. It was a habit she would never shake.
Now she was back at Chris' apartment with Rick. Amusingly, Serena had taken Chris along to a yoga class and Rick was convinced his brother had only agreed because he wanted to perve on Serena with her legs up over her head, among other things. "He's going to regret that in the morning," Bella guessed as she placed her handbag down on the nearby armchair. "I remember the first yoga class I ever tried. I couldn't move for three days. It was also my last yoga class. There was no getting in touch with my inner goddess to be had, I'm afraid. I'm sorry about giving you the bum steer repeatedly today. I've had a shocking day, and I seem destined to be up to my tits in vomit lately. How are you feeling? Any better? Worse? Any new, strange, or interesting side effects I should know about?" She held her hand up before he accidentally took offense at her comment. "I'm sorry. That wasn't a dig at you, or cancer or chemo. I'm actually referring to food poisoning this time. Freaky Pad Thai. Remind me to never eat at San Wong's Seaside Thai."
Rick reached out to touch Bella's hand briefly as he gave her a lopsided smile. He couldn't deny that as soon as she showed up he'd felt relieved. For a while he had been kicking himself over calling her and figuring he'd just managed to fuck up monumentally. His conversation with his brother was still fresh in his mind, especially the part where Chris had said he'd feel it in his gut if it wasn't just projection. If Bella was someone special. He also realised he didn't know her all that well, and Rick really wanted to change that. All he had was an attraction, an admiration for her as a doctor, and enough to know he liked the person he thought she was.
"You wouldn't get me doing yoga. Chris is more than welcome to it, but I'm sure he really does just want to get a better, ah, understanding of Serena's flexibility." He smirked a little before his eyebrows drew together in concern. "Who had the food poisoning? Not you, right? Are you okay? You being up to your tits in vomit is a very... vivid piece of imagery, by the way. And I'm okay. Nothing new, no food poisoning. My brother slept with me. In a non-incest way. He couldn't sleep and came to me."
Bella rested her hand on his arm and then rubbed his shoulder with a smile. "No, no. Not me. Thankfully. I have a patient load that demands I don't get my butt sick. I have too much to do. I had a bit of a surprise visitor in the form of my big brother, Aaron. He informs me he has a brand new job here and he's moving up from New York. Or moved up, to be correct. First day on the job, and he eats a dodgy takeaway. He needed something to stop it, only stopping food poisoning completely is usually impossible. He's another typical stubborn male. I seem to be surrounded by them of late," she said with a smirk. "He came to sleep with you? Hey, that's excellent. That's a good thing, right? I had a quick chat to Serena, and she mentioned he wasn't sleeping well. It must've been interesting for you to experience, though."
Rick's eyebrows shot up and he found that he was actually speechless for a moment, suddenly caught up with fear over the appearance of a big brother. Hospital administration didn't seem as scary as a big brother did. He didn't miss the irony about being scared of a big brother when he was one himself. He just realised that Bella didn't have the same relationship with Aaron that Rick had with Chris. "Wow, that's... ah, wow. Definitely a surprise. He didn't give you any warning at all? Not that I can judge, but still. Not all big brothers are me, right?" He tried to laugh it off, and wound up coughing instead. "Sorry to hear he got landed with food poisoning though. That's just rough. Yeah, he did. It was weird at first when I realised he was next to me, but then we just got to talking. I think it's getting easier. He told me about the dreams. They keep ending with him realising I'm not there. That I'm... gone."
"Az is a tough cookie. He wanted to surprise me, he just missed the mark." Bella didn't miss his reaction and she watch him closely for a moment. "A bit strange for you to hear I'm a bit more beyond the scrubs and lab coat, huh? You know I have family because I've mentioned them in passing, but to suddenly realise they're actually in the flesh is another story. You can ask me anything, you know. I'll be as honest as I can. I really don't have a whole lot of secrets, not many regrets. I guess in that sense, cancer wasn't such a curse for me. It just taught me to see the world through different eyes than most." She wet her lips and tucked her hand in under his elbow. "That's got to be a hard thing to swallow. Massive that he admitted it to you, but to be on the receiving end of an admission like that can't be easy. It shows you how scared he is of losing you, though. You've got time, though. Don't waste anymore of it."
Rick looked down at her hand tucked in under his elbow and tried to work out what it meant. It wasn't a doctorly touch. They weren't even really talking about doctor-patient things. Not entirely. She was also offering herself up for questioning, and he wet his lips before he just got used to the feeling of her next to him. He reached up to tuck some of her hair back behind her ear and let his thumb brush against her cheek. "Does that mean he's in for some sisterly retribution? At least he's still better at surprises than I am. No, it's not strange. I know you're more than the scrubs and lab coat. Just before I got the idea your family weren't in Miami. They weren't so real. Not so there for possible threats to my reproductive organs." Rick pressed his lips together as he gave a nod. "Yeah, I know. And I don't want to waste it. I don't want to miss anything. I want to be there."
Bella was surprised when she didn't feel that inner bristling when he touched her face. No urge to pull away and remind him they should keep their distance. She just couldn't overwrite the fact that beyond having cancer and being her patient, Rick was still a sweet guy. He was a lonely guy, and she felt if he had the chance, he would have the right mojo for a lot of the things in his life he wanted. It was easy for most other people, it was natural. But the Deleo brothers sounded like they had been through tough times and she could tell that a lot of the shitty things Rick had done had probably more been a response to growing up in a tough environment. She laughed and nodded. "Oh yes. He'll pay. As soon as he feels better and isn't at too much risk of throwing up on me, he'll pay. And you know what? They were always real, just not in the same state." She held up her hand and dug around in her bag to find her purse. She slipped a photo of her with her brothers out and handed it to him. "That's Aaron on the left. He's an Air Medic, so not an automatic enemy, I promise. The younger one is Lewis, pretty much the black sheep of the family. He didn't want anything to do with medicine and became a chef. And before you wonder, yes, he's gay. Not like it would be hard to miss considering the shirt he is wearing. Either of them would kick your ass if the need was there. Sorry, love," she added in amusement and messed his hair up. "Hey, you stick around long enough, you might see him make it up the aisle... maybe give you a niece or nephew. They seem like a perfect match."
Rick was personally relieved when she didn't pull away, but he wasn't about to push his luck much further either. Even if he had been thinking about kissing her, and even if he and Chris had been discussing their girls as masturbation material. Bella wasn't his girl yet, though. She was still his doctor who he was crushing on badly, and who had crossed the line during one amazing evening. He took the photo and gazed down at her and her brothers, seeing the big smiles and the familial love that seemed to be absent in any photo he had taken with Chris. Bar the one he'd presented the younger Deleo with for his birthday. It made him want to get a camera out now, but he didn't want to be looking like death. "Air Medic? Huh, small world. Not that I'm about to try and get a job here any time soon. Gay chef, huh? I'm sure if I was that way inclined, I'd think he was cute. I hope I don't ever give them need. My ass can be sore enough lately." He smirked as she ruffled his hair and nudged her back in return. "I asked him about the marriage thing. It's on his mind. Serena's the first one that had him thinking about it. Not surprising given his supposed role models. He'd make a great dad. He'd be everything ours wasn't."
Bella tilted her head, looking at the photo of her brothers. "He's sickening, Lewis is. He always seems to pull off the committed relationship thing without any hassle. Ironically, he's made to be a family man. He'll be the first to give mom and dad grandkids, without a doubt. That's a trait that seemed to have skipped Az and me completely." She looked up at him with a frown. "You don't think you have what it takes to be a father? Not even some day down the track? Or you just don't want kids?"
Rick smiled as he handed the photo back. "Even I'm starting to be jealous of him. How come you never got it together and had kids? I, um... Tuck was the ex, right? Chris said something about it being him. Did you ever wanna do the family thing with him? If your schedules had worked out. What about Aaron? He's not involved with anyone?" Rick shrugged. "I'm on the fence enough to want to not have my ability to have kids destroyed by the chemo. I just don't know, though. I don't know what I'd be like as a father."
Bella slipped the photo back in her bag and then went over to sit down, the busy day starting to catch up with her. She sat forward a little and tucked her hair behind her ears with a smile. "Yeah, Tuck was real special. We had a lot of fun. He still is, but we're both ambitious and our jobs are very, very different. You've probably noticed how all over the place your brother's job can be. Tuck has a similar schedule. He's the MT1 Charge Nurse, meaning he is the nursing boss over there. It would have been impossible for us to get on the same page often enough to be satisfied with what we were doing. But to answer your question... no, I didn't want a family with him. I've never let myself stop to think about family with anyone. Because, um... there's a good chance I can't have one anyway."
Rick came to sit next to her and tucked his hand around hers as he listened. It would be unreasonable of him to be jealous of Tuck, and he felt guilty even being a little glad that things hadn't worked out between them, but he still couldn't help but be relieved she hadn't felt an urge to have a family with the Charge Nurse. "Yeah, I really do not envy Chris' hours. Now that he's here and Serena's the one coming in and out at odd hours, I don't envy them at all. Was it the cancer? Is that you might not be able to have a family?"
Bella shook her head, glancing at him hesitantly. "No, it was the chemo. I was young, just starting to hit puberty. Never had a normal period, or anything like that. It's never been confirmed, it's not like I've tried or anything, but my doctors prepared me for the worst, and I dealt with that. I was always too ambitious anyway. You don't just try for a kid to see if it works if you don't want one. I get a lot out of my life, I don't really need babies. Maybe one day my brothers will make me an aunty and I'll rock it," she laughed. "Don't get me wrong, I love children. A lot of my patients are young ones. I'll just leave the parent thing up to everyone else."
Rick gave her hand a soft squeeze. "I'm sorry. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the immediate effects, let alone the long-term ones. I get the mindset though. If it's not something you were considering, it's not something that worries you. Maybe I should be thinking like that, but I don't know. I feel like I still had a chance if I wanted it. I'm selfish, I know. If Chris made me an uncle though, I really would be happy. Maybe I am just meant to be an uncle."
"It's different for you, love. I was young when I got sick. It was a non-issue. It was taken from me before I even had a chance to think about it. I was a kid myself. For adults, it crosses most people's minds at some point. It's nice to have the option there if you want it, and it's hard to fathom if it might not be. Unfortunately, it's an issue all people having chemo face. I've had a patient who was pregnant when she got her diagnosis. She chose not to have chemo because it would risk the baby's life... She died. The tumour spread, and she lost the battle before the baby was even born. It's a scary thing, but my own personal opinion and experience, I would rather pay the price of not being able to have to children and live. It's just not something everyone agrees with." Bella smiled and squeezed his hand. "Maybe you are, and he's still young these things will come."
"I think it makes you an amazing doctor. I don't think anyone else could quite understand what the patients are feeling like you do. You make it, well, not easier. Just bearable, I guess. Like we're not alone." Rick nodded. "And hopefully I'm not gone when the time comes. I just want to be here for my brother."
Bella shrugged. "Anyone who has had cancer understands it. Just like anyone who has had an alcoholic father would understand how you felt to grow up. Someone needs to have empathy. It's easy to feel like you're all alone with something, but you're not. When you look at the world differently, though, you tend to get some really weird looks from people who have no idea why you believe in things, why you make certain choices... I just say fuck them. I don't do anything without considering the consequences and sometimes I figure the consequences are worth it. Hell, even when I told people I wanted to be an oncologist, I got weird looks. As if I was tainted and would take it all too personally."
Rick chuckled briefly. "I'm used to weird looks. Maybe just not for my different out look on life, though. Have you ever taken the job too personally? How do you not after everything you've been through?"
"I sometimes find the kid patients hard. The young ones, who have their whole life ahead of them, but I have to sit there and give them and their family how long I believe they have to live. And then when they look at you, like you should be a miracle worker and ask that one question that, no matter how many years experience you have, it never gets easier. It hurts every single time. 'You're an oncologist. Can't you just keep trying? We'll do anything'. It's exactly what my parents said to my doctor. I still remember that appointment as clear as a bell. But the hard part is that I also know how that little child feels. Sometimes, if the sickess takes a strong hold, you lose the fight. You don't want to fight anymore, you just want things to take it's natural course. I got there. They put me in hospital to wait it out, but... they weren't ready for me up there yet." Bella paused with a small smile. "My grandpa said I only got halfway to heaven, that I should stop a bit longer and enjoy the views. I was just ready for the whole trip. Only now, everything I do in my life, I see it as stopping and enjoying the view, not as regrets, because some things, you'll only ever get to try once."
Rick was listening, and all he could think about was that while he had a chance to stop and enjoy the views, there was only two things he wanted. He wanted his brother, and he wanted to spend more time with Bella. He just wasn't sure he could ask it of her without losing her completely. Rick thought that maybe he just had to wait until she felt something in her gut that told her this wasn't projecting. He just wasn't sure he'd want her to risk her job over it either. He wasn't worth it. "Are there still things you want to do?"
"Sure, I guess," Bella replied and then pressed her lips together. "Wants never stop, they just change. Some days I want things more than others. Other times I feel like I've missed the boat. My job is a huge part of my world, so it takes up a lot of time, but..." She paused, squinting a little in thought and pulling her lips to the side. "My family sometimes feel it takes up too much of my time. That I got a second chance on life, I should be a bit more selfish with my time," she admitted.
Rick gave a nod before he picked up her hand again, and rubbed his thumb over it. "Are you not more selfish with it because you just want to help your patients, and be someone that can give them the best care because you know how important it is to have a doctor they can trust? Or is it something else?"
"Okay. If you were a chef, and you had learnt the skills to cook a ten course gourmet meal for diners who just loved food, needed it, would you cook that meal for them, or would you make them go to the McDonald's drive-thru for a burger?" Bella asked him, tilting her head a little. "I do what I do because I can, and I know I do a good job. I have taken the time and worked hard to be able to be a doctor cancer patients need. I like my job. My patients aren't just a number to me, I know them all personally, I know their families, their children, I go to their funerals. I'm not more selfish with my time because ever since I went into remission, I've never believed it was soley my time. My family just disagree. They don't think there is any reason with someone else being the metaphorical chef for me sometimes."
"Some of us have never been the metaphorical chef for anyone ever. I'm in awe of you, Bella. I really am. I don't think it's so much as you needing a chef, but maybe a decent sous chef. Isn't that what they're called? Someone to look out for your needs while you're looking out for the patients." Rick smiled at her a little as he gave her hand a squeeze. "Still probably wondering why the hell you bothered getting to know this patient and their family, right? Bitten off more than you could chew and all."
Bella laughed and held her fingers up close together. "Maybe just a lil bit sometimes. Only because I've actually always been in awe of your brother and his team, and because I... don't take this the wrong way... I find it really sad you two didn't grow up close together, yet it sounds like you've been through some lonely times without each other. Times you could have just been together, without even needing to do anything. I'm not having a go or piling on the sympathy. It's only curiosity because you're both really sweet, and can't quite see your own good qualities all the time."
"Better that than being totally up ourselves with how awesome we are, right?" Rick chuckled as he ran his fingers through his hair "And it's okay, I won't take it the wrong way. You pretty much hit it on the head, so I can't argue. It's my own fault, and I'm just trying to make it up to him."
Bella shrugged and shot him a smile. "Oh, I dunno. I think you two have quite the bag of confidence between you. I've heard the stories about your brother. I think the whole hospital has. I just didn't realise he had a brother. He was a bit of an enigma with his personal life. And to think, he wondered about their new boss and his enigma tendencies. You do know you don't need to make it all up to him, right? Just set it aside and make a fresh start. You seem to be doing okay. It must make you wonder why you kept walking away from him so much in the past."
Rick nodded. "Well, sure. But then I remember why I saw him when I saw him. It was always about money... About getting what I could. I was becoming our Dad. Doesn't make me proud. I'm all for a fresh start, and it's better late than never, right? At least I do still have time for this. For him. I can't blame Chris for his enigma hang-ups. We've given him enough reasons to have issues with trust. I think Serena's the first one to really break through all that. Or to have the patience to."
"I can understand that. The patience thing, I mean. Not the money thing. Was it easy to assume he had a lot of cash because he's a doctor? Or you just knew he would come through, no matter what? Because a resident's wage isn't as hot as everyone thinks it is. You only start earning a healthy wage when you're fully qualified. If he owns his apartment in Miami, I wouldn't think he would have a huge amount left to play with after that," Bella replied and relaxed back a bit. "But then, maybe it's different in trauma. I'm not entirely sure."
"I'm glad someone finally broke through. He shouldn't miss out on happiness. I didn't think about it," Rick admitted quietly. "I guess I always just assumed that since he was a doctor he'd have the money to pull through. And I think I was fucked in the head enough to assume that if he did then that would mean he still cared. I don't know. I really don't. Part of me wonders if I was even the same person. It doesn't feel like me anymore. You know?"
Bella nodded. "Sure, that part I do get. On the cash front, though, you might find he wasn't as flush as it seemed. He doesn't even own a car. I think it means he cared about you a great deal if he was still dipping into his wallet for you unconditionally if he didn't have the cash to spare. Maybe even cared a lot more than you hoped he did. He's paying for your op that went wrong. He cares, Rick. He's cared for you his whole life. You have changed, I don't doubt it, but I think he's consistently been the same person all along."
Rick's shoulders slumped as he sat there, feeling even more like an asshole for how he'd acted over the years. Chris was always the better of them. Always. He really wished he could just write a check and handover everything he owed his brother. But he couldn't. Rick had zero savings. "I know you said I don't have to make it all up to him, but I still need to do something. He's gotta know I love him."
Bella took his hand and cupped it softly between hers, her thumbs brushing over the backs of his fingers. "I know I sound like a broken record, but you already are making it up to him. You also aren't confined to this place, you know. If you're feeling up to it, you could get out and get some fresh air, just take it slow and easy. You mentioned fishing when you were a kid. Why don't you head out to one of the lakes areas and go fishing with him for a couple of hours? I know... it's a little scary, and you'll worry that something will happen. It's natural. You find yourself thinking you need to live in a little clinical bubble, but don't. Okay? Doctor's orders. If you feel okay, keep going. It's as simple as that. It's not a death sentence, and Chris is a extremely qualified doctor, he's even got search and resuce training under his belt. If something happens, you'll be in good hands. Spend time with him. That's the best tool you have because it's what has hurt him the most." She wet her lips slowly and before she really realised what she was doing, she leant in and kissed him.
Rick had been about to agree with the need for some fresh air and then Bella was kissing him. He couldn't help but kiss back, his hand cupping the side of her face before he knotted his fingers in her hair. It felt nice to kiss her. Bella had this taste that Rick wasn't sure he would ever be able to get enough of. And she was soft, and warm, and something he very much needed right now. She made him feel comforted, safe. Happy.