Super Thiller #2: On the Run
This is my first attempt at a recap. Without any attempted date rapes, this book is pretty boring, but full of snark worthy material.
In this book, we learn Elizabeth is embarrassed about her writing and is a cheating slut at the same time, not all horrible lawyers are named Ned Wakefield and that Sweet Valley is the most perfect in the world! Also, Sweet Valley this ghostwriter is a failed poet. Only that can explain the large amount of crappy poetry in the book.
On to the snark!
The cover of this book looks almost exactly like the cover of another Thriller I have.
We start out with Elizabeth and Jessica heading out to work at the Sweet Valley News. We learn that Elizabeth and Jessica are “identical opposites.” Then we get the stock descriptions of the girls, five-six perfect size six, eyes the color of the Pacific Ocean. We also find out that Elizabeth is a complete tool, who enjoys spending her time working as an unpaid intern for the local news. Jessica, who is still suffering from the effects of her near kidnapping a murder and is no longer boy crazy in this book; she just cares about clothes. I miss the Jessica with layers in this book.
The big story in the news is the trail of Frank Delucca in New York. He is on trail for murder and racketeering and his been linked to murder, espionage, gambling, and illegal drugs. Now, I’ve seen several episodes of the Sopranos, and I’ve never really thought of the Mafia of really being associated with espionage. What did the ghost writer do? Think of every single criminal thing a person can do? Who would he being spying on in Little Italy? No offense, but if a guy has a last name that ends with vowel and is involved in the “underworld,” then he’s mobbed up.
So anyways no one wants to testify against Frank Delucca. Elizabeth believes that there has to be good people in the world who will stand up and testify. One person who disagrees with Liz is Darcy Kaymen who just moved here from Ohio. Her father got her the internship at the News with the twins. Darcy and Jessica immediately bond over a shared love of fashion. Liz doesn’t take to the new girl. Liz thinks that “she and Darcy would never be friends. The redhead struck her as spoiled and shallow (Does that sound like someone who looks identical to you, Liz?). And Elizabeth didn’t like the way Darcy complained about being an intern at the News. Elizabeth felt they were all terribly lucky to be given the responsibility, and they ought to behave that way.” Not everybody in the world harbors dreams of being a horrible writer like you, Elizabeth.
No, on to the trail of the centaury, which sadly includes no magical vodka, and lawyers and judges that almost make Ned Wakefield look like Jack McCoy. In the Delucca case, a new witness has come forward: Dr. William Ryan. He has a letter that the written by Ray Underwood who was murdered right before he was set to testify against Delucca. Apparently Dr. Ryan had been Underwood’s doctor for six years and Underwood told him several things about Delucca, he also wrote a letter naming Delucca, and two other unnamed people as leaders of an international drug ring. Umm… How is this evidence? Anything Underwood told him would be hearsay and protected by doctor-patient privilege. This is the last witness of the government gives, then, the case goes to the jury. Where are the defense witnesses? Or, I don’t know the cross examination? I thought that bad lawyering just came from the water in Sweet Valley, but now, it’s affecting all the lawyers in the world!
Liz then learns than to protect witnesses from being killed, the government has something called the witness protection plan which gives witnesses a new identity coughforeshadowingcoughforeshadowingcough. How someone as well read as Liz could never have heard of the witness protection plan? With all the Amanda Howard mysteries Liz read in Twins, you would think that she had heard the term before.
Darcy takes an immediate dislike to Liz because she insulted Darcy’s father. Darcy tries to make her look bad with their supervisors. Darcy brings up that she was the editor of her school paper, and then brings up the fact that Liz writes the gossip column for her paper. Liz then gets all flustered and embarrassed that Darcy would dare bring up her hidden past as the writer for Eyes and Ears, in front of real reporters,that bitch! Liz vows never to forgive her. Liz, real writers don’t write gossip columns, unless their dream is to write for OK! Magazine. Darcy then makes Liz get the coffee for one of the reporters. Liz meets the cute boy at the coffee counter, his name is Eric Hankman, and he and his father just moved here from back East. Even though Liz is in a long distance relationship with Jeffery French(including several long boring phone calls that do not include phone sex), she agrees to go out with Eric because he is a writer too.
Darcy also met Eric and develops a huge crush on him. Liz doesn’t mention that she already has secret feelings on Eric. Jess teases Liz about how Liz not everyone spends months liking one boy. It’s not like Liz has ever cheated on a boy before. Jess also criticizes Darcy for going after Eric when she also liked someone else, like you’ve never, ever done that before Jess.
Over the weekend, Liz takes Eric on a drive through Sweet Valley. The first place she takes him is Miller Point. Now, this is your first non date with a guy, and the first place you take him is make-out central? I mean let’s just think about this, what kind of message you are sending to a guy if the first place you take him is the local make-out point while you have a boyfriend. We then get to read some of Eric’s poetry. I’ll print one of them so you can read the spectacular crap that the ghostwriters came up with:
No sparrows light here,
The sheaves picked clean,
And summer gone
With nothing left to stave off cold
Or hunger.
Liz says that this is such a sad poem. The ghostwriter describes it as a short lyrical poem about a barren field in the Midwest. There is nothing lyrical or mournful about it, but thankfully it is short. Liz shares a story she wrote about a girl, Alison, who spends time with two elderly sisters. Thankfully, the ghost writer spares us a sample of Liz’s writing.
So Eric and Liz go out a few more “friendly outings,” and Liz tries to tell herself that she only likes Eric as a friend. Jeffery is her boyfriend, but she always seems to forget to mention him every time she is with Eric. Darcy bumps into Eric while he is writing and ends up stealing his crappy emo poetry filled notebook. Liz gets all jelus because she thinks that Eric wrote Darcy poems. She wants them to be about her, but she still hasn’t told Eric or Jeff about the other.
Darcy plots to use the Twin!Switch to get some more of Eric’s poems. Jess is really confused that Eric readily gives Jess!Liz his notebook which is then stolen by some creepy guys.
Darcy talked with a friend from Ohio, who said that some teenage murderer is on the run from the law, and he has dark hair, so it must be Eric Hankman. Jess for some reason goes along with this and keeps an eye on Eric instead of calling the cops or telling an adult, you know, responsible things. Darcy wants to catch a wanted, dangerous murderer to get famous. When the Hankman’s come to dinner at Casa Wakefield, the neighbors, the Beckwith’s, keep trying to place Mr. Hankman, but can’t figure it out… I wonder where a new resident of Sweet Valley, the most perfect place in the universe, who just moved here after a big trail and won’t talk about their past come from. Thanks for hitting this over our heads ghostwriters! Anyways, Jess keeps trying to figure out if Eric is a killer, but she all like, he doesn’t look like a psychopath. What does a psychopath look like, Jess? Do they all have eyes the color of the Pacific Ocean and perfect size six figures? I think that might just be a mirror. Jess, not all psychopaths look like you. Take Liz, she is a total doormat and looks just like you.
Jess worries that Liz, might be out with Eric, so she goes home as asks Alice where Liz is. Alice is like what to I know, I’m just her mother, not her secretary. Yet another example of the wonderful parenting in Sweet Valley. Eric finally hears about Jeffery from some of Jess’s friends at the Dairi Burger, and is pretty upset. He wrote Liz emo poetry! How dare she betray him! Once they tell him about Jeffery, “Eric’s expression changed swiftly, as if a storm had blown up in a clear summer sky.” (Ghostwriter, you are writing Sweet Valley, not the next great American novel. Enough with the poetic imagery.) Eric runs out of the Dairi Burger to go home to write really sad emo poetry and cry.
So Liz finally goes to the coffee shop to talk to Eric about her being a cheating slut. Before they get to talk though, some random child starts choking, so Mr. Hankman comes by and starts performing MacGyver surgery on the kid. Mr. Beckwith who is in the area for plot’s sake recognizes and Mr. Hankman as Dr. Ryan! How he knows that from seeing this one act is not explained, but anyways Dr. Ryan’s cover is blown. Dr. Ryan and Michael will have to leave Sweet Valley! Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! How could anyone ever leave? Liz is all like ”But why do you have to leave?...No one will hurt you here. Sweet Valley is different!” Except for the fact that someone already did. I bet it was someone from the dirty street where Tricia Martin lived. Eric, whose real name is Michael takes Liz to his house to say goodbye. No, they do not have sex or even kiss because right before they do, scary gangsters come in looking to kill Dr. Ryan, but spend time talking to him. I’m not a criminal, but isn’t it always better to shoot first and ask questions later? They even let Liz and Michael leave the room. Cause, they aren’t just going to die a few seconds later. I thought the best way to get a way with a crime was to leave no witnesses.
So in order for this story to not have an exciting, bloody ending, there is this Good Neighbor system where if the security alarm is not deactivated, neighbors will storm your house and take on armed gunmen. Yay! Dr. Ryan now realizes that Sweet Valley is prefect… except whoever betrayed him and is never caught… Liz and Michael have a tearful goodbye. Michael leaves Liz a good bye poem. I’ll just give you one stanza. I don’t know if I could handle having to type out the entire piece of crap:
To say we touched
To say you taught me
To say I saw things new
To say I love you-
None of these is enough,
My friend.
Liz then realizes that she has to tell Jeffery that she is unfaithful. She all like I luv Eric, I’m in lurve with Jeffery. We do not get to see this conversation which might have made this book interesting. Will Jeffery dump her and call her out on her cheat whore ways? Will he push some one in a pool? This book leaves in up to us to decide!
Update: I forgot to mention that Jess once again proves what a sociopath she is. She gets mad at Darcy for almost getting Liz killed then thinks that proper payment is for Darcy to do her work for her. Because almost getting your twin killed is equal to fetching coffee or making some copies. And wouldn't Darcy have to apologize to Liz and not to Jess, It was Liz's life on the line anyway.
I think that I too can write some crappy poetry. Maybe I should be a Sweet Valley ghostwriter. Let me know what you think:
Liz, Sweet Valley’s patron Saint,
They think she’s perfect, but she ain’t
Though she has one boyfriend, she wants more
Liz Wakefield, cheating whore!