The Treasure of Death Valley (Part 1)
The SVH gang is going on a four day trek in Death Valley! There they embark on a treasure hunt and face the threat of three escaped convicts from the nearby penitentiary. Not sure what’s more ridiculous, the plot, or the fact that Liz, Jess, Todd, Ken, Bruce, and Heather all got chosen to go based on essays they claim to have written. I bet Bruce paid someone to write his. Probably Winston.
Now for this wonderful cover. I spent many an hour in my adolesence trying to figure out who was who of the little group photo there. Here are my conclusions.
I like Jessica’s beard.
Anywho-- So our book starts off with our gang (Bruce, Heather, Todd, Ken, Liz, and Jess) on their way to a four day trek in Death Valley. Liz is the only one who seems excited (so why are the rest of them even there). They were chosen based on essays explaining how they could benefit from a course that tested their intellect, resourcefullness, and ability to work with others. Right up Elizabeth’s ally, according to her. “As soon as she started writing she knew she’d be chosen.” That’s our modest Liz. The judges were smoking crack.
Everyone’s complaining about being there before they even leave. Liz is the only one in high spirits. Bruce uses the word powwow. Jessica hates that her hiking boots are bulky. Heather proudly shows off her cheerleading shoes and Liz reprimands her, of course. Jessica watches Heather’s sexy shoes with seething jealousy. They happen to drive by the state penitentiary which is conveniently near the desert.
This is called foreshadowing, folks. Thinly-veiled foreshadowing.
Their guide people finally ditch them at the rest area but not before separating them into buddy pairs. For Maximum Drama Liz is paired with previous fling Bruce, Jess with her rival for her sister’s love (and whom she’d made out with a few times) Todd. And Heather with the man she’s most interested in, Ken. Jessica’s neuroticism rears it’s ugly head as she’s instantly jealous that Ken and Heather will be spending every second of the day together (as if they’re not all going on the same damn hiking trip).
Todd tries to woo Liz into switching buddies so they’ll be together but Liz thinks it’ll be good for them to be paired with other people. (We all know you’re really still hot for that Patman charm, Lizzie). Jessica tries to talk her into it as well, giving her the long rant on how Heather will use all her energy into stealing Ken and subtract from their common goal, then she will talk Bruce into switching partners because he’s got a thing for Heather (wtf happened to Pamela? They were still together in the last miniseries) but Liz quickly shoots her down, growing annoyed with both of them. Todd keeps fantasizing about Liz and Bruce’s kiss.
They’re finally ready to go with Liz leading them on as navigator. Liz is angered by finding litter on the ground. She looks down to look at the pretty wildflowers and Bruce kicks her, knocking her into the sharp prickles. Go Bruce! Who hasn’t wanted to kick Liz? Liz thinks excitedly about the journal entry she gets to write that night and how she might even turn it into an article for the school newspaper and maybe even the Sweet Valley News! She’s so excited she pees herself! Okay, that was a lie.
Anyway, Heather announces it’s lunchtime after they’ve been hiking in the desert for hours and hours. They sit down to eat and Heather pulls out her beloved mini TV. Everyone’s like WTF? Even Bruce, the king of spoiled, is like why did you bring a TV? She has to watch her soaps of course! Ken asks her why she watches that crap and she tells him soaps teach all kinds of life lessons. I totally agree with her! My young life was founded on what I learned from watching Melrose Place! Don’t sleep with your sister’s husband, blowing up buildings is bad, gay guys never get any action, always have an alibi, and all doctors are fucking crazy! (And Alison and Billy are so totally the grown up Liz and Todd).
Anywho, Jessica makes nasty comments on how stupid soap operas are and how she would never watch one. *coughcoughbullshitcoughcough* Ken actually starts watching the show with Heather and asking questions and Jess gets all jealous. Wonder what Heather does when she’s at school? Maybe she skips class to go sit in a bathroom stall with her little TV?
Later they arrive at a spot to stop for the night and Bruce bitches at Liz, calling her General Wakefield. Jess is annoyed with her because she had to spend the whole day watching Heather hang all over Ken. God forbid she join them because she’s buddies with Todd. Todd makes bad jokes using the word darn. Liz goes to make the fire and Bruce trying to be gentlemanly says making a fire is a man’s job (because he’s Bruce and he says things like that) and goes to do it and Liz goes off on a feminism tirade. If anyone were actually a feminist in this series, Liz would not be it. Todd soothes his wild beast and helps Bruce make the fire. Heather and Ken make the chili together. Heather serves it and Jessica doesn’t want much. Heather and Ken gang up on her and tell her to eat up. They’re all freaks.
Jessica asks Ken to go somewhere so they can talk alone. They do and she’s all upset because he doesn’t seem like he’s been missing her. She thinks he’s been ignoring her and doesn’t seem to mind hanging around Heather. Of course he doesn’t! He’s a sixteen-year-old boy with a hot chick hanging all of him. If he minded he’d be gay! And Ken’s all like, it’s not my fault I have to hang around her!
Free will, people!!!! Free--fricken--will!
He tells her she’s silly to be jealous, he loves her and no one can change that. I bet Christian Gorman can. But anyways, Jess is going to cheat on him in two books anyway. Why does she even care?
Liz calls them back because it’s getting dark. And apparently they can’t see the fire in the dark to make their way back. When they return Liz makes them all write in their journals.
Elizabeth:
Todd and Jess are immature. And I’m not. I’m super special awesome. And I have good genes. Maybe tomorrow Bruce will talk to me.
Bruce:
This is stupid. This sucks. The only thing I’m learning is how much cooler I am than everyone else.
Heather:
Ken is too easy. Maybe I’ll try Todd next. I’d love to see the Wakefield twins suffer (you and everyone else, Heather).
Ken:
Jessica’s paranoid. I thought better of her. This is all so stupid.
Jessica:
Liz is an alien. I hate Heather. This sucks, this sucks, THIS SUCKS!
Todd:
I’m jealous of Liz and Bruce. He’s richer and better looking than me. I have no balls.
Todd pulls his blanket up to Liz and asks if the spots taken. Liz smiles and thinks dreamily of how cute he is. Absolutely nothing about his stimulating intellect. Bruce is annoyed by them (clearly he doesn’t like to just watch) and asks Heather (who’s setting up her sleeping bag near Ken and Jess) if she’s going for a threesome. He uses the word threesome!!!!! *gigglegigglegiggle* Jessica’s not happy. She wants a threesome with Ken and Todd, not Ken and Heather.
Liz wakes up early the next morning, regretting not having brought an air mattress like Jessica. She’s in ecstasy at the sight of the sunrise though, and thinks of waking Todd but he wouldn’t appreciate it so she thinks better of it. She falls back to sleep and Todd wakes her up.
Heather wakes up freezing and asks Ken to get her a sweatshirt out of her bag (it would’ve been funny if he’d accidentally pulled out a bra or some black lace panties). She puts it on and asks him to help her up. He does and she falls on him. Jessica’s seething.
They eat breakfast and Ken announces he figured out their hike. Elizabeth is shocked. She’s Super!Elizabeth. Only she’s allowed to figure out their route. They’re hiking twelve miles and she’s actually happy Ken’s sharing some of her enthusiasm. She tries to talk to Bruce and he makes grunts and moans. (Take that as you will.) Heather whines about getting a blister and Jessica tells her maybe she should’ve thought of it before she wore those impractical shoes.
After walking for hours Jessica’s hungry and wants to stop for lunch. Ken wants to figure out where they are first. Bruce sees a mineshaft and wants to check it out, showing the first bit of interest in the trip. They stop for lunch and Bruce wants to go get a closer look. Heather pulls out her TV to watch her stupid soap.
Oh noes! Three convicts have escaped from that conveniently located prison! Heather freaks out about them finding them, everyone else is like what are the chances of us running into them in this huge desert? More than you think, guys. More than you think.
Now that they’ve sort of calmed Heather Bruce wants to go into that mineshaft and look for treasure. Jessica’s all for it (greedy bitch) but everyone else wisely thinks it’s too dangerous. Jessica and Heather both tell Liz to go after him since she’s his buddy (Jessica has an ulterior motive of course, Heather just wants to start drama). Liz, knowing she’d never be able to live with herself if something happened to him, follows Bruce down. Todd doesn’t insist on going with her, I’d like to point out. He does have a brain.
Heather happily goes back to her soap and asks Ken to join her. Ken turns her down, watching the shaft. While her sister’s in mortal peril Jess shares a romantic kiss with Ken, only to be interrupted by Heather, telling her she might want to do something about the scorpion on her ankle. Now that’s why I like Heather!
Jessica screams and yells for Ken to get it off her (this is right after Jess saying she’s afraid of nothing, btw). Ken gets a stick and hits her with it. Yay! She then remembers that Liz is still in the shaft. She asks Kent o go in with her and Heather tells her to get her own buddy so Todd goes. Jess thinks disgustingly about what a loyal boyfriend Todd is and wonders if Ken would risk his life for her. Somehow I doubt it.
Liz is tripping over herself in the shaft and finds a diary dated back from 1849! Oh the excitement! She, of course, thinks of nothing but how she’s going to get it published. The shaft starts to crumble and she gets out just in time, Bruce already outside. Heather and Ken come back from picking wildflowers, with Ken blushing. What? Your girlfriend, best friend, and ex-girlfriend and in peril and you go to pick flowers, Ken? You suck. I’d cheat on you, too.
Anyway, Liz wonders where Todd and Jess are and Ken answers that they went in after her. Ken’s very quick to respond, saying they need to dig them out quickly before they suffocate. So they dig for a minute and out come Todd and Jess. The shortest rescue ever, folks. Liz embraces Todd telling him to hold her (demanding bitch), and Ken embraces Jessica telling her she’s never looked more beautiful. Bruce offers her water. Liz and Jess hug. Ken and Todd…have a moment. And Liz gets all excited about the diary again. She pulls it out and opens the bag that was with it and out tumble gold nuggets! Beautiful, illustrious gold! Now everyone’s going gold crazy and arguing over who gets what. Liz says it might not even be theirs to take. Todd agrees with her only to come between Liz and Bruce. So unselfish. And they also have a treasure map that shows two more X's! This kind of reminds me of Scavenger Hunt by Christopher Pike. Except without all the killing.
Liz starts to read the diary to find out more about the gold. It talks of the Treasure of the Scorpion. Whoever finds it has to leave half for the next traveler or be cursed. And Todd and Bruce both realize that there’s probably more gold at the other locations that are Xed on the map.
The next X isn’t too far off their course and they’re all itching to go, including Liz who claims it’s for the sake of the story she’s going to write about their adventure. Liz wants to leave half the gold according to the Rule of the Scorpion, but Bruce thinks it’s stupid and Jess agrees. Todd says he's with Liz and Jess actually says, well thinks, the same think as I do. Hard to believe, I know.
Of course you are. When was the last time you lost for yourself?
Good laughs are held by the reader. Eventually they decide to leave none of the gold and split it six ways. When they’re on their way Jess asks Todd what he’s going to do with his gold. He says he really needs a good car. What about that fancy BMW you just got a couple months ago when your daddy got rich? Ken wants a bright red sports car. Heather wants to back one of her mom’s friends jewelry business. Liz wants to buy art. Since when does Liz have an active appreciation for art? Bruce wants to give it all to his dads broker. Ken asks for financial advice. Ah, kids. I’d put that money towards college.
They’re climbing up a mountain and Todd thinks to himself how Liz and Jess share certain attractive qualities. You’re being kind of creepy there, Todd. Normally I like you but your twin fetish does obscure your cute broken masculinity at times. Todd wants to help Liz since Jess didn’t need any help but Bruce steps in, giving her pointers. Maybe he just realized he used to like her for some reason? Bruce even gives Todd an knowing wink, clearly doing this on purpose to annoy him. Liz is having a hard time keeping up and it gets really hot. They stop for a water break and Liz thinks it’s punishment for them not leaving half the treasure.
They get gong again, Liz thinking about Luke and chiding herself about believing in superstitions. Look where that had led her last time. She asks Bruce what kind of stocks he’s going to invest in. So he tells her and she pretends to act interested. Liz winds up telling her how she plans to write about their journey. Bruce asks her to paint him out a hero.
Heather’s bitching and Liz suggests another quick water break. They get on the move again and Jess spots an empty cigarette pack lying on the trail looking out of place. They keep going, trudging on as it’s getting dark and finally arrive at the second spot on the map. They find a cave. They tie a rope between each other and go in. When they come to a fork Bruce suggests they split up. Him and Liz go one way, the rest go the other. Bruce stops Liz and says he wants to tell her something. He’s about to kiss her when Jess yells she found it. They go toward her and Bruce curses her for always cramping his style.
So they find the second treasure and the diary that goes with it. Then they discuss going after the third and final treasure. Liz looks at it on the map and discovers they definitely won’t make it in time to make it back to Desert Oasis and beat the oncoming storm. Jess and Bruce are all over her. They come to a vote finally and it’s four to two. They’re going to stick to the rules on this one. Bruce and Jess sulk and say mean things to Liz, saying she‘s on a power trip. Jess tells her to start the fire herself. Liz tries and it takes her forever. Todd and Ken complain and they all end up eating their freeze dried lunches instead of waiting for dinner to cook. When she finally gets the fire gong everyone’s asleep. Liz skips writing in her journal and goes to sleep. (I wonder where everyone goes to change clothes. I’m sure they don’t change in front of each other. That would be too scandalous.)
They wake up the next morning freezing and give Liz hell for not making the fire strong enough. They split up the gold and it adds a bunch of extra weight to their packs. Bruce and a few of the others take out some of their cans of food. Liz, horrorstruck, takes as much as she can. The pack rubs her shoulders raw and she winds up having to leave some of it.
Jess and Todd banter. Liz is extremely tired and looks over their route wonder what’s the better way to go. Todd asks if she wants him to take over for her. After he gets it he’s having a hard time figuring out what to do. Jess decides to help him, thinking that this is her chance. She leads them to the final treasure.
They stop for a food break and Todd has the balls to ask Liz for some of her canned food. She doesn’t say anything snaky only because it’ll make her pack lighter. When they’re finished eating Jess is just zesting to go. Eventually Liz realizes they’re going the wrong way and after a while asks Todd about it. He doesn’t say anything but she notices Jess biting her lip and calls her out on leading them to the next treasure. Bruce gives Jess a high five. Liz recalculates their route. They’ll never make it to where they were planned to be now and because they need water she decides to keep going in the direction they were already in.
She yells at Jessica for being deceitful and Todd for taking over when he didn’t know what he was doing. Heather yells at her for shirking her responsibility. Liz yells a lot and says mean things. Ken suggests she lead but everyone gives her the silent treatment. They come to the “stream” she saw on the map and it turns out to be a roaring river. They have to cross it and Todd suggests and arm linking technique they were taught in the training. Ken wants the chain to be Ken-Heather-Bruce-Liz-Todd-Jess for strength reasons.
Jess can’t take the thought of Ken crossing the river with Heather so after they get into it she breaks off from Todd and goes to the other end by Ken and goes between Heather and Ken, Ken yelling at her for upsetting the balance. They continue to cross and Heather goes limp and slips from Jess and Bruce’s grip. Jess reaches for Bruce.
They finally come to the other side and try to find Heather. She’s further downstream barely holding on to a log near the shore. Holding onto each other Ken, Bruce and Todd (I would pay to see that sight) rescue her from the rapids. Heather cries and asks if they saved her stuff. Of course they didn’t. She cries that her gold’s gone and Jessica owes her. She says she doesn’t owe her anything, that Heather let go. Bruce agrees that Heather let go. Ken’s angry and says whatever happened it was Jessica’s fault for being childish. Jess rushes off in a puff and Liz runs after her. Todd calls “Sure, go after your stupid sister!” And Ken asks “What is it about those Wakefield women that makes them think they’re better than everybody?” Teeheheheheh. No wonder this is one of my favorite miniseries!
Todd finds Heather’s sleeping bag and Bruce builds a fire. They’re so manly.
And this is the last saving point, folks. I did finish this but when I went to save it microsoft works froze and I lost everything after this. In a couple days when I'm less mad I'll finish. I wonder what will happen? Will they ever make it to Desert Oasis? Or will the criminals find them after all?