Elizabeth #3: A Royal Pain
I don't even know where they got the title for this. She's not working for the Queen. If I ever meet this ghostwriter, I'll probably beat her up. Then, if she died, she'd literally be a ghostwriter. Heh. I'm so funny.
Number of references to Lavinia being a duchess (with her family, she's so NOT): 6.
References to the Penningtons being royalty: 5.
References to Elizabeth being a scullery maid: 6. Heh.
Oh, and gold lavalieres get mentioned. Shibby!!
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51BF5CJVF3L._AA240_.jpg
More fug cover art. Not much to say about it, other than "Ew."
Okay, so Max is totally not in love with Lavinia. She's smoking hot, but he's just not feeling it anymore. He's all about Elizabeth Bennet/Wakefield/Swann/whatever. He and Lady Lavinia are watching Bruce Willis action flicks involving aliens, and Max reckons that if ELizabeth was there, she'd be all into the films and perving on Bruce Willis and stuff, because she's American. Right. He's bored and he'd rather watch the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice, which I doubt. But P&P features Elizabeth Bennet! Gosh! He can't escape thinking about her! Lavinia is boring and 'subdued' ever since he parents died a few years back. Way to harsh on her, Max. That totally gives her licence to be a bit emo.
He thinks of Liz and the dough under her nails and tomato sauce stains on her uniform. Sure paints a pretty picture! Basically the whole first chapter is Max thinking of Elizabeth no matter what's happening in front of him. Vomit. There are many pages throughout the book of him thinking of Elizabeth's awesomeness in every possible aspect of life, so I'll spare you all that.
Anyway, he and Lavinia don't really know each others tastes. Case in point? Lavinia wasn't particularly impressed with the gold lavaliere he bought her for her birthday.
Words fail me. I can't handle how completely fantastic this is. This is honestly the most awesome moment in the series to date. He is so destined to marry Elizabeth and buy lavalieres for her all day long. She'll love them.
Back to the story. Elizabeth's thoughts update us on the story so far. She again pictures herself in a Tudor-style dorm at University of London, attending rugby matches. Shut up Elizabeth. Ooh, are you wearing your lavaliere right now? Gosh, I hope you are. Maybe Max will see it.
Meanwhile, Sarah is considering teh sex. She's also still using weird words that I don't think make sense in any language, including British English. Has anyone here ever used the word "Bosh!"? In context, it's kind of the equivalent for "Pfffft, whatever." She goes through her videos and feels embarrassed when she finds her Spice Girls concert videos. Don't worry, Sarah. The Spice Girls' London reunion concert sold out in 38 seconds. You're not the only one who likes them. Anyways, Sarah decides to watch Muriel's Wedding. She loves it and decides if a "kind of fat girl" from Australia can do whatever she wants, so can Sarah! It's a sign! She's gonna have teh sex!!!
Liz is in the kitchen with Cook (who seems to have no name in this book- although I think it was mentioned earlier as being Matilda) and making bacon for Sarah. I guess Sarah's been eating a lot of bacon, coz Cook keeps joking that Sarah will get fat. A fate worse that of Heroically Deaf/Dead Regina. She's ordering food on purpose though, so Elizabeth will bring it to her. This gives an excuse for Sarah to ask Elizabeth questions, Max to excitedly listen to the answers, and the Earl to get cranky at the attention Max pays to Liz and promptly forget about Sarah's naughty behaviour. Flawless plan, right? Elizabeth thinks Sarah is "taking the piss" out of her. You're right, Liz. Your slang is actually used in modern-day England, and it's is correctly used in this context! +10 points! However, she loses the 10 points quickly by referring to herself as a scullery maid again. I know she is one, but no one uses that phrase anymore. Does Liz even know what a scullery is?
Sarah totally regrets eating all the food. She doesn't throw it up though, which I'm impressed about, coz I bet they were all bulimic in the original SVH. No, she does jumping jacks instead, for all of, like, 10 seconds. I'm guessing she burned off one whole calorie? Then she gets all sad looking at photos of her dead mother. I do feel bad for Sarah sometimes. At least she's faintly realistic and not a pansy-ass like Lizzie. Apparently her school is an exclusive girls school now, which I totally don't get because her boyfriend Nick had a scholarship to go there. CONTINUITY ERROR! I bet they changed ghostwriters.
Apparently Liz had a crush on a Backstreet Boy in ninth grade. I bet it was Nick. He's so gross now. He would so be her type.
Vanessa's still hunting for evidence of the earl's affair with her mum. Boring, right? No! She actually finds something! Not a condom (fortunately?), but a photo of the earl with his arm around her happy, pretty mum. Oh the sadness! She returns it to its hiding place, but when she goes back to get it a day or so later, it's gone! NOOO! Ihave no idea why she didn't steal it when she first found it, but I guess then we wouldn't have a story.
Lavinia's dragging Max through Harrod's to put together a wedding registry. Basically a list of extremely expensive presents to buy for them for their wedding. I'd get them chocolate body paint. Or maybe a ladle. It's always helpful to have more than one ladle in the kitchen. I make pancakes so often. Plus, you could use it with the body paint. Lavinia yells at Max for not taking it all seriously, and his silence seems to show that he doesn't believe they'll ever get married. I don't believe you will either, Lavinia. The lavalieres cannot lie. Fate is fate.
Max asks Lavinia if she can talk to Sarah about life and teh sex. Lavinia laughs in his face. So Max decides to ask Elizabeth. The idea of Lizzie dispensing sex advice to anyone not in a nunnery makes me laugh loudly and lotsly. Like she knows anything about it. He talks to his dad about it, and the Earl likes the idea. He calls Elizabeth into his office, and she's shitting herself. Has her scandalous past been busted? Have her parents found her? No. The earl doesn't give a shit about her personal life. Liz is asked to talk to Sarah and "stress-ah-of course-the virtues of waiting." You've come to the right woman, Earl! Actually though, Liz never really had a reason for waiting. She didn't want to wait til marriage, she wasn't religious...she was just chicken.
Apparently to Sarah, the word 'protection' makes sex seem terribly dirty, and makes Nick sound like a scary incubus for icky veneral diseases. It's like an AIDS ad on the tube, not a lovely movie romance! Sarah, if you can't face the realities of what sex involves, you're not ready to do it. Simple. She can hardly believe that adults know about sex and how awesome love is. Surely if they knew, they'd be having sex all the time, not doing stuff like going to work?
She makes a fair point, actually.
Max looks up Elizabeth Bennet on the SVU website. No results found. He spells Bennet differently. Still no results. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Do they have dossiers on each student in the uni or something? I'm not entirely sure if you can stalk people on university websites.
Later, Liz helps Max with his computer program, and they chat again. Intense looks are shared. I'm so sick of them.
He asks her for help, and Liz smiles and says "Sure, as long as you're aware I probably don't know the answer." Max thinks she's modest, but we know the truth. She really doesn't know.
More crappy witticisms are exchanged, and Liz laughs at stuff Max says that's not funny. Ahhh, teenage flirting techniques. How lame.
Later, Sarah pretends to be ill, and manages to sneak out to meet Nick, but he acts like a total wanker and treats her like crap. He's purposely chosen a shitty bar in the East End (gasp!) to embarrass her. He mocks her for being rich and titled, so she leaves. He catches up with her though, and acts all sappy and kisses up to her, so she forgives him.
The whole Max-Lavinia wedding will be happening at Pennington House. And it WON'T be catered. Crap. Last I checked, the staff consisted of Mary, Matilda/Cook, Vanessa, Alice and Elizabeth. That wedding is going to suck.
Liz uses clever words like 'realer' in her journal. Wowz, uni teaches her to learn Engrish stuff good. I think it's sort of correct, but I'm sure "more real" makes more sense? It really stuck out at me anyway, and I'm a grammar nerd.
Elizabeth finally sees Lavinia at dinner, and gets freaked by how insanely beautiful she is. She was kinda hoping she'd look like a younger Camilla Parker-Bowles (oh, snap!) but no. Liz feels annoyed, because they are both "beautiful, well-educated, charming" girls, yet Liz has to serve dinner. Liz, stop talking yourself up. You are in no way charming, and 2 years at SVU party school doesn't mean you're "well-educated". However, her thoughts are interrupted by Lavinia coming into the kitchen and hissing at her to stop planning shit and leave Max alone. Feisty. I see a rivalry developing.
I love Liz's parting line:
Liz: There's some ice in the bucket. I'm sure you know what you can do with it.
I'm sure she means fill up her own glass and not get Liz to do it for her, but it sounds like there's something else she can do with it.
James still likes Vanessa. He thinks about her a lot (a ridiculous percentage of the book). Lots of girls chat him up (one wants to read his thesis...anytime), but he's not interested in any of them. James has a chat to Max about Liz, and they both laugh at how stupid they are to fall in love with scullery maids. Max is proud coz his new laptop doesn't need cables to connect to the internet. Ahhh, 2001. The computer is "cellular, I think .Maybe satellite." Thanks, Max.
James confesses his fancy to Vanessa near the end of the book, and she just runs away. Burn.
Sarah flirts with James to distract her dad, and then sneaks out to do the dirty with Nick! OOOO-er! His flat is icky and cheap and dirty. His bed in unmade (oh, classy). He's got a beer can pyramid in the corner which has fallen down. The carpet's growing fungus. Nick gets angry when Sarah is grossed out. Plus, Nick's drunk. And being a dick. Sarah tries to leave but he won't let her! He won't get off her! He's so heavy and she can't breathe! So she SCRATCHES him. Woo! Nick gets really angry and grabs her, so she pokes him in the eye and does the bolt. Go Sarah! Way to fight back from a REAL attempted rape! You'd make Lila Fowler proud. She manages to catch a taxi home, and the driver lets her have the ride for free coz she looks like she needs it. I love taxi drivers that help you out.
Story ends with Lavinia yelling at Max about how he likes Elizabeth. She tells him to say to her face that he doesn't like Liz. He can't say it. Max drops her off and sees Sarah as he returns to Pennington House. He asks what's wrong, and Sarah screams at him to go to hell. Elizabeth watches this quietly from the window, because she loves other people's business.
Next up, #4: Downstairs, Upstairs.
Number of references to Lavinia being a duchess (with her family, she's so NOT): 6.
References to the Penningtons being royalty: 5.
References to Elizabeth being a scullery maid: 6. Heh.
Oh, and gold lavalieres get mentioned. Shibby!!
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51BF5CJVF3L._AA240_.jpg
More fug cover art. Not much to say about it, other than "Ew."
Okay, so Max is totally not in love with Lavinia. She's smoking hot, but he's just not feeling it anymore. He's all about Elizabeth Bennet/Wakefield/Swann/whatever. He and Lady Lavinia are watching Bruce Willis action flicks involving aliens, and Max reckons that if ELizabeth was there, she'd be all into the films and perving on Bruce Willis and stuff, because she's American. Right. He's bored and he'd rather watch the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice, which I doubt. But P&P features Elizabeth Bennet! Gosh! He can't escape thinking about her! Lavinia is boring and 'subdued' ever since he parents died a few years back. Way to harsh on her, Max. That totally gives her licence to be a bit emo.
He thinks of Liz and the dough under her nails and tomato sauce stains on her uniform. Sure paints a pretty picture! Basically the whole first chapter is Max thinking of Elizabeth no matter what's happening in front of him. Vomit. There are many pages throughout the book of him thinking of Elizabeth's awesomeness in every possible aspect of life, so I'll spare you all that.
Anyway, he and Lavinia don't really know each others tastes. Case in point? Lavinia wasn't particularly impressed with the gold lavaliere he bought her for her birthday.
Words fail me. I can't handle how completely fantastic this is. This is honestly the most awesome moment in the series to date. He is so destined to marry Elizabeth and buy lavalieres for her all day long. She'll love them.
Back to the story. Elizabeth's thoughts update us on the story so far. She again pictures herself in a Tudor-style dorm at University of London, attending rugby matches. Shut up Elizabeth. Ooh, are you wearing your lavaliere right now? Gosh, I hope you are. Maybe Max will see it.
Meanwhile, Sarah is considering teh sex. She's also still using weird words that I don't think make sense in any language, including British English. Has anyone here ever used the word "Bosh!"? In context, it's kind of the equivalent for "Pfffft, whatever." She goes through her videos and feels embarrassed when she finds her Spice Girls concert videos. Don't worry, Sarah. The Spice Girls' London reunion concert sold out in 38 seconds. You're not the only one who likes them. Anyways, Sarah decides to watch Muriel's Wedding. She loves it and decides if a "kind of fat girl" from Australia can do whatever she wants, so can Sarah! It's a sign! She's gonna have teh sex!!!
Liz is in the kitchen with Cook (who seems to have no name in this book- although I think it was mentioned earlier as being Matilda) and making bacon for Sarah. I guess Sarah's been eating a lot of bacon, coz Cook keeps joking that Sarah will get fat. A fate worse that of Heroically Deaf/Dead Regina. She's ordering food on purpose though, so Elizabeth will bring it to her. This gives an excuse for Sarah to ask Elizabeth questions, Max to excitedly listen to the answers, and the Earl to get cranky at the attention Max pays to Liz and promptly forget about Sarah's naughty behaviour. Flawless plan, right? Elizabeth thinks Sarah is "taking the piss" out of her. You're right, Liz. Your slang is actually used in modern-day England, and it's is correctly used in this context! +10 points! However, she loses the 10 points quickly by referring to herself as a scullery maid again. I know she is one, but no one uses that phrase anymore. Does Liz even know what a scullery is?
Sarah totally regrets eating all the food. She doesn't throw it up though, which I'm impressed about, coz I bet they were all bulimic in the original SVH. No, she does jumping jacks instead, for all of, like, 10 seconds. I'm guessing she burned off one whole calorie? Then she gets all sad looking at photos of her dead mother. I do feel bad for Sarah sometimes. At least she's faintly realistic and not a pansy-ass like Lizzie. Apparently her school is an exclusive girls school now, which I totally don't get because her boyfriend Nick had a scholarship to go there. CONTINUITY ERROR! I bet they changed ghostwriters.
Apparently Liz had a crush on a Backstreet Boy in ninth grade. I bet it was Nick. He's so gross now. He would so be her type.
Vanessa's still hunting for evidence of the earl's affair with her mum. Boring, right? No! She actually finds something! Not a condom (fortunately?), but a photo of the earl with his arm around her happy, pretty mum. Oh the sadness! She returns it to its hiding place, but when she goes back to get it a day or so later, it's gone! NOOO! Ihave no idea why she didn't steal it when she first found it, but I guess then we wouldn't have a story.
Lavinia's dragging Max through Harrod's to put together a wedding registry. Basically a list of extremely expensive presents to buy for them for their wedding. I'd get them chocolate body paint. Or maybe a ladle. It's always helpful to have more than one ladle in the kitchen. I make pancakes so often. Plus, you could use it with the body paint. Lavinia yells at Max for not taking it all seriously, and his silence seems to show that he doesn't believe they'll ever get married. I don't believe you will either, Lavinia. The lavalieres cannot lie. Fate is fate.
Max asks Lavinia if she can talk to Sarah about life and teh sex. Lavinia laughs in his face. So Max decides to ask Elizabeth. The idea of Lizzie dispensing sex advice to anyone not in a nunnery makes me laugh loudly and lotsly. Like she knows anything about it. He talks to his dad about it, and the Earl likes the idea. He calls Elizabeth into his office, and she's shitting herself. Has her scandalous past been busted? Have her parents found her? No. The earl doesn't give a shit about her personal life. Liz is asked to talk to Sarah and "stress-ah-of course-the virtues of waiting." You've come to the right woman, Earl! Actually though, Liz never really had a reason for waiting. She didn't want to wait til marriage, she wasn't religious...she was just chicken.
Apparently to Sarah, the word 'protection' makes sex seem terribly dirty, and makes Nick sound like a scary incubus for icky veneral diseases. It's like an AIDS ad on the tube, not a lovely movie romance! Sarah, if you can't face the realities of what sex involves, you're not ready to do it. Simple. She can hardly believe that adults know about sex and how awesome love is. Surely if they knew, they'd be having sex all the time, not doing stuff like going to work?
She makes a fair point, actually.
Max looks up Elizabeth Bennet on the SVU website. No results found. He spells Bennet differently. Still no results. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Do they have dossiers on each student in the uni or something? I'm not entirely sure if you can stalk people on university websites.
Later, Liz helps Max with his computer program, and they chat again. Intense looks are shared. I'm so sick of them.
He asks her for help, and Liz smiles and says "Sure, as long as you're aware I probably don't know the answer." Max thinks she's modest, but we know the truth. She really doesn't know.
More crappy witticisms are exchanged, and Liz laughs at stuff Max says that's not funny. Ahhh, teenage flirting techniques. How lame.
Later, Sarah pretends to be ill, and manages to sneak out to meet Nick, but he acts like a total wanker and treats her like crap. He's purposely chosen a shitty bar in the East End (gasp!) to embarrass her. He mocks her for being rich and titled, so she leaves. He catches up with her though, and acts all sappy and kisses up to her, so she forgives him.
The whole Max-Lavinia wedding will be happening at Pennington House. And it WON'T be catered. Crap. Last I checked, the staff consisted of Mary, Matilda/Cook, Vanessa, Alice and Elizabeth. That wedding is going to suck.
Liz uses clever words like 'realer' in her journal. Wowz, uni teaches her to learn Engrish stuff good. I think it's sort of correct, but I'm sure "more real" makes more sense? It really stuck out at me anyway, and I'm a grammar nerd.
Elizabeth finally sees Lavinia at dinner, and gets freaked by how insanely beautiful she is. She was kinda hoping she'd look like a younger Camilla Parker-Bowles (oh, snap!) but no. Liz feels annoyed, because they are both "beautiful, well-educated, charming" girls, yet Liz has to serve dinner. Liz, stop talking yourself up. You are in no way charming, and 2 years at SVU party school doesn't mean you're "well-educated". However, her thoughts are interrupted by Lavinia coming into the kitchen and hissing at her to stop planning shit and leave Max alone. Feisty. I see a rivalry developing.
I love Liz's parting line:
Liz: There's some ice in the bucket. I'm sure you know what you can do with it.
I'm sure she means fill up her own glass and not get Liz to do it for her, but it sounds like there's something else she can do with it.
James still likes Vanessa. He thinks about her a lot (a ridiculous percentage of the book). Lots of girls chat him up (one wants to read his thesis...anytime), but he's not interested in any of them. James has a chat to Max about Liz, and they both laugh at how stupid they are to fall in love with scullery maids. Max is proud coz his new laptop doesn't need cables to connect to the internet. Ahhh, 2001. The computer is "cellular, I think .Maybe satellite." Thanks, Max.
James confesses his fancy to Vanessa near the end of the book, and she just runs away. Burn.
Sarah flirts with James to distract her dad, and then sneaks out to do the dirty with Nick! OOOO-er! His flat is icky and cheap and dirty. His bed in unmade (oh, classy). He's got a beer can pyramid in the corner which has fallen down. The carpet's growing fungus. Nick gets angry when Sarah is grossed out. Plus, Nick's drunk. And being a dick. Sarah tries to leave but he won't let her! He won't get off her! He's so heavy and she can't breathe! So she SCRATCHES him. Woo! Nick gets really angry and grabs her, so she pokes him in the eye and does the bolt. Go Sarah! Way to fight back from a REAL attempted rape! You'd make Lila Fowler proud. She manages to catch a taxi home, and the driver lets her have the ride for free coz she looks like she needs it. I love taxi drivers that help you out.
Story ends with Lavinia yelling at Max about how he likes Elizabeth. She tells him to say to her face that he doesn't like Liz. He can't say it. Max drops her off and sees Sarah as he returns to Pennington House. He asks what's wrong, and Sarah screams at him to go to hell. Elizabeth watches this quietly from the window, because she loves other people's business.
Next up, #4: Downstairs, Upstairs.