SVJH #17: Whatever
Yay, my very first SVJH book! It feels so different actually sitting down and attempting to recap a book. (Even one as thin as the SVJH books.) The TV episode recaps feel a bit like cheating. It's kinda like renting some Daniel Day-Lewis instead of reading The Crucible. Or Robert Redford instead of The Great Gatsby. Or Leo instead of Romeo and Juliet. Or Gwyneth Paltrow instead of Great Expectations. (That one? Not so helpful. I can't believe I passed anything in high school.)
I'm the first to admit that when I was growing up, these SVHJ books were my bible. Since I'm relatively young compared to some of the folk who grace this community (I'm turning two whole decades old in a month, let's hear it for me!), I had the pleasure of reading all the Sweet Valley serieses at the same time. Wait, pleasure's not really the right word for it. The setup actually confused the hell out of me. I mean, why the hell do we need a series of the Wakefields in middle school and another depicting their time at junior high? Especially if it's not even going to have Bruce or Lila in it? (And don't even get me started on the devastation I felt the day I realised that Bruce and Lila were only together in college. *Sobs* I'm sorry. I'll pull myself together for the sake of the recap.)
This week I'm presenting you with an inside view of SVJH #17, which bears the fabulously lame nineties title of Whatever. Not my favourite SVJH book, but the only one I have that hasn't been recapped yet. That's Lacey, or Lila Zero, as you Coca-Cola fans may know her as. She's an attitude-y brunette, as is evidenced by the fact that she's doing the 'whatever' sign while wearing a thumb ring. Wow, what a 'tude! I can feel her burning teen angst from here! (Don't worry; there's a cream for that.) Note: I totally had a top like that when I was growing up. A little trip to the title page tells me that this book was actually released in May 2000, but I can't very well make fun of the decade we're in, now can I? I'll assume it took more than five months to write. Ha, I'm sorry, not even I could keep a straight face saying that. Let's just get into this bitch, shall we?
Thanks to eBay for the crappy cover picture. You can still see the thumb ring, though, so I guess that's the main thing.
Lacey chapter. (I wonder how they'll introduce her to us!) Lacey hates her parents and reads Cosmo Girl. ZOMG, so attitude-y! She goes on a bit of a spiel about how her stepmother Victoria is all about class, manners and living in black and white. Because she constantly wears designer clothing and her name is Victoria, she's always looked like Posh Spice in my mind. And never won't. Let's just get that out of the way now.
Lacey's stepsister Penelope is sitting in her booster seat at the dinner table, and Lacey tells us that she doesn't much care for small children, but Penelope's okay. This is about as nice as Lacey gets, and for that, I love her. The Frells family sits down to dinner, and Lacey can immediately tell that Victoria and her dad have a secret to tell her. Well if they were going to tell you, Lacey, then it wouldn't be a secret, now would it? Keep up. Lacey reminds us that the last secret was a pregnancy bombshell (Victoria, not Lacey -- I doubt that motorhead boyfriend of hers is even fertile) so Lacey's not all too keen on another secret. Lacey's dad tells her that her mother called and is coming to town. Whoah, the original Mrs. Frells is wandering out of that no-longer-required divorced parents realm! How nineties-slash-early noughties!
Lacey's hella keen to catch up with Mother Dearest, because Mrs. Frells 1.0 (or the Mrs. Frells who comes in a red can, if we're going with the Coke analogy) is a high-profile fashion photographer who works for Elle and Vogue and all those other real magazine titles that would never have gotten a mention in SVH. Suck it, Ingenue.
We get one of those chapter in-betweeny bits. It's an email from Kristin to Bethel. It's just about the school carnival's coming up, and I only include it because I just want to point out that Bethel's e-name is RnnrB (Runner Bethel, I presume), and Kristin's is KGrl99 (Kristin, uh, Girl 1999. Or perhaps The 99th Kristin Girl? Make of it what you will.) HATE!!
Kristin chapter. Kristin hopes Bethel got her email. Unless you sent it to a different Runner Bethel, I'd say yes, yes she did. Kristin gives us a quick spiel about what happened in the last book, when Kristin was elected class president over Bethel, and then Bethel got to be her VP because Kristin felt sorry for her. Gee, that's a Liz Wakefield move if I've ever seen one. This whole chapter is Kristin lamely trying to make Bethel feel welcome and not like she's a BIG FAT LOSEY LOSER who LOST the election.
The two have a meeting to talk about the upcoming carnival, and begin by discussing the food. Kristin the slightly overweight wants ice-cream and hot dogs. Bethel the athletic wants rice shakes. Ew. Bethel says, "Some people care about what they eat," and why Kristin doesn't put those extra pounds to good use and waste that skinny bitch is beyond me. After arguing about the decorations, Lacey walks in and demands that Kristin leave her meeting and listen to what she has to say. Kristin refuses, but feels bad about it and follows her soon after. Again, it seems Kristin is trying to out-Liz Wakefield Liz Wakefield. And since in this whole SVJH series Liz Wakefield is trying to out-Jessica Wakefield Jessica Wakefield, she just might win. (Ten points for anyone who can make sense of that sentence!)
Bethel chapter. She meets up with Jessica (who's trying to out-Claire Middleton Claire Middleton in these books) and lies to her about how her meeting with Kristin went. Jessica's like, "You're lying," and Bethel actually says, "Jessica Wakefield is way too sharp to be fooled." SVJH must be full of fucking idiots if Jessica Wakefield is the sharpest of them all. Jessica reminds us that this storyline is kinda sorta EXACTLY like the one where Kristin and Bethel argued about the homecoming dance. Oh goody, we're only seventeen books into the series and already we're reusing storylines. Joy.
Elizabeth chapter. (Goddammit!) She's feeling all self-conscious because Anna's late to lunch and she's sitting by herself in the cafeteria. Which is totally social suicide to a thirteen-year-old. She could at least have the decency to take her pathetic self to a phone booth like DJ Tanner did. Finally, Anna rushes up to Liz, because God help anyone who keeps Elizabeth Wakefield waiting. Anna talks about how she was at a last-minute drama club meeting, and Liz silently bitches her out over the fact that she's always talking about the drama club these days. Because if Liz asks, "Where were you?", Anna's supposed to...lie? I mean, you asked, Liz. I was there; I heard you. Anna talks about how there's a film being shot in Mesa Verde (a town I assume sits comfortably between Big Mesa and Palisades), and the whole drama club is going to have a chance to be extras. That's something you'd share with your friends, no? Not if your friend is Liz Wakefield, you don't! Liz completely ignores Anna and then thinks about how she misses old times when people only hung out with her. See what I mean about the Jessica Wakefield-ness? This is the first Liz chapter in the book, and already I want to Toddpunch her.
Kristin again. Lacey is a bitch to her for not skipping out on her meeting with Bethel, even though she did. I guess Kristin couldn't find her after that or something. Lacey tells her that she can't come to Kristin's on Friday because her mother (who's name is Sonia, by the by) is coming to town. Apparently Kristin and Lacey had plans to eat junk food and watch Titanic for the hundredth time. Oh, girls. I feel that. I absolutely feel that. The movie may be three hours long, but I know most of it by heart. Damn that sexy Leo and his sexy drowning. Lacey plays down the fact that Sonia's coming to see her, and Kristin's sure she's upset about it. I don't know why she would be. Maybe she's a little nervous, but I think for the most part she'd be psyched.
Elizabeth. On the way to the bus stop (ew! Bus stop!) with Jessica (ew! Jessica!), she sees a flyer on the bulletin board looking for volleyball players. It's midseason, but the volleyball team only has two players. I'm genuinely amused by this. Liz is disgusted because A) the message on the flyer has been written in pen and torn out of a notebook, B) it has been stuck to the bulletin board with bubblegum, and C) it's for co-ed volleyball. Seriously. She actually says, "It looked like it might be a joke. Coed volleyball?" (Ghostwriter's choice to join the 'co' and the 'ed'.) God forbid boys and girls mingle! It might lead to teh sex! Or even just teh fun, which is possibly worse in Liz's case. Liz decides she's going to join this perhaps-nonexistent team. Her reasons? She wants to do an Anna and meet some new people as well. The real reason she'll never admit to? She wants to out-Anna Wang Anna Wang and make Anna feel the way Liz is feeling -- left-out and unimportant. You know it's true. Even Liz knows it's true, deep down.
Lacey. She and Kristin are shopping at Fashion Train, the SVJH equivalent to Lisette's. Lacey's looking at a pair of leather pants. I'd really love to snark this, but I won't. (I'm too embarrassed to tell you why, although you've probably figured out my reason anyway.) Kristin's worried about Lacey, and asks her how she feels about Sonia being back in town. Lacey says, "I'd feel a lot better if you stopped jabbering in my ear." Unnecessary, maybe, but she's pretty much just said what I'm sure many Sweet Valley residents have wanted to say to Liz on more than one occasion. Plus, Lacey's awesome, so I refuse to judge her for it.
Lacey stumbles across a pair of tight black jeans, 'cause if you can't afford any of the leather pants Fashion Train has, tight black jeans are the next best thing. Kristin doesn't want her to buy the "very hip-looking" jeans just to impress Sonia. Lacey's like, "Shut up about my fucking mom, I'm buying them to impress Gel." Because buying jeans to impress one's mother is SO VERY WRONG, but buying them to impress your skeezy high-school boyfriend is okay? Kristin doesn't buy this, and when Lacey goes to try on the jeans, Kristin actually yells out, "Your mom is going to think your beautiful no matter what you wear!" Oh, Kristin. Lacey thinks this is as lame as I do. And I'm sorry, Kristin, but not everyone's mother thinks they look beautiful no matter what. Some of our mothers try to live vicariously through their daughters, and most certainly care what we look like and wear. They're also responsible for our therapy bills. (Like my mother for instance: she actually bought me leather pants at the ripe old age of Approximately Twelve. Sure, I asked for them -- my secret! my shameful secret! It burns! -- but she still bought them for me. I just...I'm feeling a little suicidal after bringing up that memory. I have to be by myself for a bit.)
More lame carnival crap in the Kristin chapter. She calls Mrs. Kern (the student council teacher supervisor woman) "supernice", and even I, the self-confessed queen of using the space bar sparingly when it comes to crap like that, do not approve of that all being one word. I want to quote what Kristin says about Mrs. Kern next verbatim, because it strikes me as odd: "She reminded me of a little mother hen: plump and pale with bright red hair, comfortably nestled at her desk." Um, WEIRD. Weird, weird, weird. What better way to show your appreciation of your favourite teacher than to imply that they're the lovechild of Ronald McDonald and Foghorn Leghorn? That shit blows Robert Redford out of the water.
Brian and Jessica rock up to the council meeting. Yay, Brian! He's so awesome! He's kind of like Winston and Todd put together, without the nerdiness and psychosis. The description of Brian's Backstreet Boys-esque hair is a little worrying, though. This is officially the noughties, Ghostwriter! Get with the program! Also at the council meeting, in case you're interested, are two people we've never heard of before (and I daresay we'll never hear of again), Nick Ryan and Missy Greif. I totally read her name as Missy Grief, and instantly thought: Mr. Men character gone wrong.
Anyway, blah blah, Kristin thinks about that Lacey situation, which also happens to be a big fat load of Not Her Business. Blah blah, Kristin and Bethel hate one another. Blah blah, everyone loves Bethel's idea of having an energy bar company sponsor their carnival, and Kristin goes on a power trip and reminds her that she, Kristin Seltzer, is in charge. Also, Kristin mumbles the titular "whatever" at one point, and I hope that's not the last time one of our characters says it. I'm counting on Lacey to say it at least once (with the appropriate hand gesture), so I'm starting a 'whatever' scoreboard. And I think I'll use caps lock to describe said WHATEVERS, since they're so important to the story. Right now, we're at one WHATEVER. That's one, one WHATEVER, mwah hah hah! (In case you can't tell, that's my Count from Sesame Street impression. And it's good, dammit!)
Blue chapter. I may be mistaken, but I do believe this is the first Blue chapter of the entire series. The first Blue mention of the entire series, even. (And when I say I 'may' be wrong, I really mean that I'm not but am just trying to appear modest for manners' sake.) He begins with this pearler of a line: "Normally I'm the kind of guy who digs watching people play volleyball. Especially if they're trying out for a team." First, a little credit where credit's due -- super props (superprops?) for the use of the word 'digs'. I love that word, I really really do. Second, fail where fail's due -- who the hell does that? He's "the kind of guy" who enjoys watching volleyball tryouts? Right, 'cause we're so sick of that guy. I could not think of a shittier introduction to a character. Oh, wait...twins so similar, perfect size six, blue Pacific-oceany eyes, golden blonde hair. That's right; pardon that brain-snap. Blue's sick volleyball fetish comes in second.
Blue's tired 'cause he was up all night playing video games. His friend Rick (Andover?) says, "You're so lucky, man. My parents are into the whole bedtime thing." Gee, that's nice, Rick. Blue's parents are DEAD, asshat. Way to rub that in. Blue mentions that people think he and Rick are brothers 'cause they look alike, and "the only difference is that Rick doesn't wear flip-flops, like me. Or a silver thumb ring. Or a beaded choker." Great, Blue, hows about we go through everything you own and you tell us whether or not Rick shares your passion for said items. Lacey's wearing a thumb ring on the cover, but I didn't automatically think that OMG she must be your sister. The sad fact is, Blue's actually a decent-ish character, not that you'd know it from this appalling introduction.
Turns out Blue lives with his brother, Leaf. And yes, his tragically dead (not from coke, as far as I know) parents were hippies. Leaf, we are told, earns money by coaching high school volleyball and creating video games. Hence all the volleyball-digging and video game-playing that goes on in the Spiccoli household. Yes, you read right, the blonde surfer dude's surname is Spiccoli, with thanks to our favourite ghostwriter, Cameron Crowe Jamie Suzanne.
Rick sees a tall blonde girl trying out and is like, "Blue, check the babe!" You know who it is, don't you, boys and girls? It's none other than our favourite...um, favourite something, I'm sure...Elizabeth! And of course, she'a automatically fantastic at volleyball! No way! Blue's excited because he thinks she'll improve the team. He feels "wide awake" now. Wow, Liz Wakefield is the human Red Bull! (Hee, funny mental image of Liz as a minotaur!)
Liz chapter. She's totally into this volleyball thing, but is clutching her pearls at the fact that anyone actually named their child Leaf. Hey, if Alice Wakefield's alleged bra-burning past is anything to go by, Steven's lucky he didn't suffer a similar fate. Leaf says that all the new recruits are "rad", and that they're all invited to join the squad. Liz is happy, but bewildered by Leaf's use of the word "rad". Hate to agree with the sister, but I also thought that was a little weird. Leaf calls Blue and Rick to come on over and meet their new teammates.
Blue introduces himself to Liz, and she actually says, "Really?" when she hears his name. Blue totally laughs it off, though, because he's nice and does not yet realise that Liz is already judging him, and will for the rest of her life. Liz is so stoked to see how the other half live, though. Apparently this "new friends" thing means actually getting out of her white bread world and mingling with the common folk. She's a bit smitten by dear old Blue, and methinks the feeling's mutual. She's like, "Are you in this team?" and he's like, "I am today."
Lacey chapter. She's a bit nervous, because tonight's the night her mother's supposed to pick her up and take her out to dinner, only Sonia's late. Lacey, it should be said, is wearing her new black jeans, a red top and her boots. She keeps commenting that the pants are "so dark." Um, yeah, Lacey, they're black. I assumed you knew that when you bought them. Have you never owned anything black? Because it's commonly accepted that black is a dark kind of colour. Lacey thinks that these black pants are the kind of pants Kate Moss would wear. Entertaining (if not hilariously out-of-place) pop culture reference alert!
Sonia arrives -- and she's wearing the black leather pants Lacey wanted yesterday! Wow! (Thankfully, Lacey doesn't go on forever about how fucking dark they are.) Sonia's also wearing a red shirt, and the two of them are looking a little too matchy-matchy for my liking. Even in the SVT days, Jess and Liz wouldn't dress that alike. Lacey thinks her mother looks "hip". Yeah, she says the word "hip", and not ironically, like I often do.
Things are Awkward City, population Sonia, Victoria and the yet-to-be-named Mr. Frells. I think I'll name him Maxwell. Penelope asks if Sonia is her babysitter (doesn't Lacey sit for her every fucking book? Penelope's a slow learner) and while Maxwell and Victoria laugh it off, Sonia's all deadpan and, "No." This makes me laugh out loud. Sonia's so awesome. She says she's taking Lacey to some fancy-pants restaurant called La Trattoria, and Victoria like OMG totally embarrasses Lacey by saying that it's not really a place you'd take a child. Sonia says that she regularly dines there whenever she's in Sweet Valley, and the chef, Caesar, is a personal friend of hers. Wow, Caesar the chef. They totally named a salad (and a Gilmore Girls character) after that dude.
Kristin again. She's hanging out with her mother (juxtaposition, anyone?), and they're eating celery and carrot sticks. Ohh, that's right -- Kristin's mother's an ex-model, and totally has some underlying resentment of her not-thin-but-not-fat daughter. Not that our lovely ghostwriter would ever admit that, but it's so obvious. Apparently Kristin forgot to tell her mother that Lacey wasn't coming around to watch Titanic with them, because they're just staring at a blank screen waiting for The Frells to arrive. See what I mean? Total communication breakdown between these two. This ghostwriter is sneaky! I bet Francine didn't pick up on that.
As Kristin's mother puts the videocassette (snigger!) into the VCR (snigger!), Kristin tells her all about how Sonia is back in town. Kristin's mother (why are there no parent names in this book?!) mentions that she and Sonia knew each other from modelling days, and that Sonia's a total flake who's completely untrustworthy and monumentally flighty. Kristin worries for Lacey. Which is nice, but seriously, she's about to watch Titanic. You don't watch Titanic if you're mind's not on it and you're heart's not in it. Show Leo and the gang a little respect.
More Lacey. She's eating gross fancy food and listening to Sonia's boring stories. But it's okay, because the whole situation is so cool and adult and -- dare I say it? -- hip. When Sonia realises Lacey's not listening to her fashion shoot story, she apologises and asks what's going on in Lacey's life. Lacey thinks it's so cool and adult and hip the way Sonia apologised to her and is taking an interest. Boo yah, this broad can do no wrong. Seriously. They could run over a flock of orphans on the way home, but as long as they're in Sonia's cool, adult, hip car, everything'd be kosher for Lacey.
Lacey casually drops her boyfriend into the conversation, calling him Gel and mentioning that's his nickname because of all the gel he wears in his hair. How creative. Sonia could not care less. Lacey thinks to herself how lame Gel is because he's dumb and is obsessed with video games, and then she thinks, "but he is cute. And he does have a car." Hee! I love Lacey's priorities. Sonia invites Lacey to spend the night with her at her hotel. If Sonia was a man, alarm bells would be ringing right now. Lacey says she's supposed to spend the night at Kristin's, and does a totally un-Lacey thing and actually declines Sonia's offer. Wow. I've never seen Lacey actually be that nice to Kristin before. It's kind of sweet.
Kristin's chapter. Lacey arrives at her house at eleven o'clock. (Which for a thirteen-year-old is totally late, y'all.) Lacey talks all about her way-cool mother, and how she actually met Kate Moss once. Wowsers! Apparently, "Kate's a lot cooler than some of the other models." I'll bet she is, compared to, say, Naomi Campbell. Any photo shoot where you don't have things thrown at you probably falls under the 'cool' category. Kristin is completely convinced that Sonia's going to fuck Lacey over again, but perks up when Lacey says that Sonia's taking them both to brunch tomorrow. You know why? Because "this way I could see for myself if Sonia was for real." In case you haven't heard, ladies and gentlemen, the part of Liz Wakefield will tonight be played by Kristin Seltzer.
Speak of the devil, Elizabeth's chapter is next. Whoopee, this should be a barrel o' laughs. She's at the Wrap and Roll (which in SVJH world is kind-of like the Beach Disco, except no disco. Or the Dairi Burger, with extra beach.) She's pissed because she's supposed to be meeting the volleyball team, but they're all no-shows. Blue rocks up to buy some lunch, and is all surprised to see Liz there. He tells her that they moved practice to the beach because "it's way cool down there." Liz is pissed, and once again, I can't say I disagree with her. We've all been there. Damn those hippies.
Blue drags Liz to the beach, and she asks Leaf why the captain didn't call her...or, better yet, email her. Ah, those crazy Gen Y-ers. Leaf's like, "We don't have a captain 'cause we like to keep this shit mellow" (his use of the word 'mellow', my use of the word 'shit') and Liz's head explodes because of all the crazy hippie disorganisation. She says, "Maybe it would help if you had a captain. A 'mellow' captain." Oh yeah, she went there. Liz just mocked Leaf's use of the word 'mellow'. Way to be a total bitch, Liz. And how does Leaf repay her bitchiness? He makes her the new captain. Of course he fucking well does.
Liz is like, "Whoah, hold your horses pal!" and I'm like, "Whoah, hold your horses, pal!" Did she not just suggest a mellow captain? Liz Wakefield is the anti-mellow. If 'mellow' is Jack Johnson, Liz is the Dead Kennedys. Actually no, I'd rather not associate the Dead Kennedys with Liz Wakefield, so let's just make her Avril Lavigne. Or Nickelback. Yeah, let's go with Nickelback. Anyway, Liz decides she wants a cocaptain (once again, that's a word I'd hyphenate, but whatev) and Leaf shows us how to be totally unprofessional when he chooses Blue. Nepotism makes the world go round, folks. Liza Minnelli made a career out of it. Blue accepts for two reasons -- one, he wuvs Liz. And two, because we left this England place 'cause it was bogus. So if we don't get some cool rules ourselves, pronto, this place will be bogus too!
Kristin chapter. She, Lacey and Sonia (who's surname is Theroux, for those of you playing at home) are at another fancy restaurant. Apparently Sonia was over an hour late picking the girls up because she overslept. That wouldn't have happened if she'd had Jeff Spiccoli's brother. Kristin spots a familiar face at the restaurant, and Lacey whispers, "That woman's been in, like, five movies." Well, so has Antonio Sabato Jr., Lacey. Don't get too excited now. When they're all seated, a waiter tells Sonia that she's not allowed to smoke anywhere in the restaurant except for the deck. Lacey calmly says that she'll go down there for a cigarette with her later. In case you have not yet picked up on the fact that Lacey is attitude-y and super angsty, she also smokes. Yes, there is someone in Sweet Valley who dares inhale the evil tobacco, and her name is Lacey Frells. Kristin is shocked that Sonia is so cool about Lacey smoking, and strangely enough disapproves of mothers and daughters drinking coffee together as well. Look, the cigarette thing I can understand, but mother-daughter coffees aren't exactly something to protest about. In fact, coffee is the only thing my mother and I actually have in common. It probably stopped me from going all Carrie at the prom on that bitch, so I'm thinking Kristin should just shut her cake hole and espresso it up.
Sonia says that she loves Kristin's black dress, and Lacey mentions that Sonia says black is very in. But oh noes, it's so dark! How will Lacey cope? Sonia inquires about Kristin's romantic status. Hey, whaddaya know, Sonia is my mother! Kristin is mucho uncomfortable about gossiping with someone else's mom, so Lacey chimes in and tells Sonia all about how Kristin's boyfriend, the Awesome Brian, is nice and cute, if not a little young. Kristin takes offence to this big time. She silently yells at Lacey and pays out Gel. Poor old unloved Gel.
The ladies get their menus, and Kristin feels inferior because she's never heard of anything on the menu. She silently thinks, "Frittata? What on earth was that?" and I laugh my ass off thinking of Homer Simpson's almost-identical, "Le grille? What the hell is that?!" line. Ah, man, those Simpson fools crack me up every time. Kristin is relieved to see that they have eggs Benedict, but is worried because "Mom said it had enough calories to last a whole week." Oh, for fuck's sake, Kristin! Stop paying out Lacey's mother when you know very well that yours is just as pathological. Lacey brings up how Victoria would hate this restaurant, and mother and daughter laugh at how the Vickster's got no taste. Kristin thinks, "For the first time in my life, I actually felt bad for Victoria." Because Sonia the Antichrist made fun of her? Kristin is really starting to shit me.
We get another little chapter in-betweener, this one entitled Messages On Kristin's Answering Machine. They're oddly specific, and set out like this.
Computer voice
Message Number One. Received 12:15pm.
Beep
Hello, Kristin? This is Bethel etc...
Thank you very much, Ghostwriter, for distinguishing between the recorded computer voice, the beep, and the voice of the person actually leaving the message. 'Cause I've never heard what an answering machine message sounds like. Basically, the point of this is to establish the fact that Kristin forgot that she was meeting Bethel for some carnival-prepping fun time. Of course, we the readers know that she's at Terrace Restaurant being a moody bitch to Sonia and Lacey. Bethel does not sound particularly happy at being stood up.
Lacey chapter. Sonia's dropping Kristin and Lacey off somewhere, and Kristin's being a self-righteous cow. Even Lacey can tell that when Kristin thanks her for brunch, she totally doesn't mean it. She's like, "When was the last time Kristin's stupid psycho mom took us anywhere nice?" Sonia invites Kristin to go get facials with her and Lacey, and Kristin declines because she has to go grocery shopping with her aforementioned stupid psycho mom. Whatabitch! Lacey is so not happy. I wouldn't be either. You be attitude-y, Lacey!
As soon as Sonia drives off, Lacey asks Kristin what the fuck's up, and Kristin spits it out that her mother thinks Sonia is a flighty bitch who skips out on jobs. Lacey? So doesn't believe her. Ooh, I can feel a WHATEVER coming on! Lacey awesomely says, "For your information, your mom's not exactly mother of the year!" Thank you! Fucking thank you, common sense, for rearing your ugly head. I know you only appear in an SV book once in a blue moon, but you're here and we welcome you with open arms. Anyway, Lacey's like, "Get off my case motherfucker!" and leaves Kristin to pass judgment on other people's lives by herself. (I guess not even Liz has time for it today.) No WHATEVER, though, which is making my WHATEVER count look a little lame. I blame Kristin. Fuck you, Kristin!
Hold on...thumbing back through the book...hoping to add to my WHATEVER count...hells yeah, Bethel says "WHATEVER" in the second chapter. Retrospective WHATEVER! Oh, and Kristin says it to Lacey in the fourth chapter! The WHATEVER that nearly got away! Get on that scoreboard! Grand total: three WHATEVERS! How hip to the groove are we?
Apparently, Lacey goes home and decides to make a list of reasons why Sonia's a cooler mother than Victoria, because that's our chapter 'tweener. She includes things like, "she knows a cool outfit when she sees one." Yeah, Sonia, you're cool for thinking leather pants are hip. You and Jon Bon Jovi both. Number five is, "she divorced my dad", which is so hilariously snarky that I take back everything mean I ever said about her serious use of the word 'hip'. Lacey, you can say whatever you like. Especially WHATEVER. In fact, I encourage it. Number one is, "she's not my step or half anything," which is a little sad, really. Unfortunately for her, Lila Fowler played the 'poor little child of divorce' card long before Lacey did, and I only have so much sympathy. Once it's gone, it's gone.
Bethel chapter. Goody. Apparently Kristin's asked her to meet her at the mall to look for carnival sponsors. Which is what they should've been doing yesterday, except that Kristin decided to go to brunch with her bitchface on instead. Bethel goes straight to the mall from her usual Sunday run, and immediately Kristin pays her out over her jogging attire. Um, nice Kristin. You really are nice. Turns out Bethel's brought a change of clothes, but when Kristin refuses to tell her why she didn't show up yesterday, Bethel's like, "Fuck you, bitch, I'm so not changing." Kristin's not impressed, but lets it slide. Way to be the bigger person, Kristin.
The two go into I Scream and ask to speak to the manager. Kristin yells at Bethel for being rude to the teenage employee. Apparently she sounded sarcastic, and while I hate to agree with Kristin, I've gotta admit that Bethel did come off sounding a little douchey. Kristin and Bethel talk to the manager, and try and one-up each other. It's power trip city up in here. The manager says if they can get an official note from the school, he'll donate twenty gallons of ice-cream to the carnival. That sounds like a win to me, but as soon as they leave Kristin tells Bethel that maybe she'd do the talking. Or, to continue my overused and not-so-sutble Fast Times at Ridgemont High theme, Kristin says, "Mister, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna kick a hundred per cent of your ass!" Bethel walks out.
Chapter 'tweener! This time Liz has compiled an Action List For Volleyball Team. Jeez. Liz Wakefield is a wuss -- part wimp, part pussy. There's nothing particularly interesting on the list either, except that she wants to get Leaf a proper coach's uniform. Liz, seriously, there is no bigger sign of uniformity than a uniform. Leaf's not gonna go for that shit. Oh, and she wants to call Blue -- to set up a meeting. Not for any other underlying reason. Yeah, okay. Denial's a fun place to be.
Blue chapter. Hopefully it's not as lame as his last one. Blue arrives at the Wrap and Roll for the aforementioned meeting with Liz. They're both wearing white T-shirts and jeans. Gah, what's with all the matchy-matchy in this book? I'm actually surprised our radical dude friend Blue was even wearing a shirt before Brad Hamilton told him no shirt, no shoes, no dice. Apparently this is the first time Blue's seen Liz in something that's not pink. Um, I call bullshit -- Jessica was always the pink twin, I'm sure of it. During their meeting, Blue refers to eating as "chowing," he asks Liz "what's shaking", he notices that the waves today are "pretty tasty," and when he gets stoned, he takes his shoe off and hits himself over the head with it. Oh Blue, you have no idea how cooler you were when I was a preteen.
Liz is all down-to-businessy, and Blue checks her out. He calls her 'intense'. Um, yeah, that's one way to describe her. Liz does not like Blue's aloofness. But Liz, that's his one and only character trait! He says words like 'chowing'! DON'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM HIM! Liz tells Blue that they have a whole list of things to get through, and Blue says, "Lists and I didn't get along very well." Chillax, Blue, maybe you and lists will get to be friends as time passes. I hear nobody likes Amy Sutton at first, either. When Liz mentions uniforms, Blue totally takes the piss and suggests matching socks. When Liz actually thinks it's a good idea, he bursts out laughing. Wow, finally someone actually laughs at Liz Wakefield to her face. That's refreshing. Liz does not think so. They argue, because they're oh-so-opposite. Where would Sweet Valley be without the good old oh-so-opposite storylines? The whole fucking franchise is based on an oh-so-opposite storyline, so I don't know why I was expecting anything else. Anyway, Liz gets mad and Blue leaves with one final, "WHATEVER." And we're officially at four WHATEVERS! Huzzuh for WHATEVERS!
Lacey. (For all of her way hip nineties hand gestures, Lacey is severely lacking in WHATEVERS so far.) She's hanging out in Sonia's hotel room, marvelling at her CD player. Marvelling a little too much; it's like she's never seen one before. Enjoy it now, Lacey, because a few years from now you'll never see one again. Sonia once again suggests staying there for the night, and this time Lacey accepts, all excited-like. But ruh-roh -- when she calls home for permission, Victoria says no! Oh, that mean, wicked stepmother of hers! Sonia gets on the phone and is like, "Vic, Lacey's staying here, you can't talk me out of it, buh-bye now." In my mind, Victoria hangs up the phone and is like, "WHATEVER."
Sonia tells Lacey that she can tell Lace isn't happy with Victoria and Maxwell (I wonder what his real name is...), and suggests that Lacey come live with her in New York. Now I remember why this book reminded me of a Stacey BSC book when I was younger. Lacey is ZOMG totally psyched, but is afraid that her dad won't let her. Sonia says she can handle Maxwell. That's all well and good, Sonia, but I daresay Maxwell isn't going to give up his firstborn without some sort of legal fight. He could hire Ned Wakefield! (Or some other lawyer, if he actually wants to win.)
Chapter 'tweener -- Lacey's Top 10 Ways New York Is Cooler Than Sweet Valley. Seriously, Lacey, you have way too much time on your hands. Who do you think you are, Letterman? Besides, I can think of 143 regular reasons, 12 super reasons, 11 thriller reasons and 12 magna reasons why New York is cooler than Sweet Valley, and I've never been to either city.
It's Monday morning, and time for another Kristin chapter. She's surprised to see Lacey walking down the hallway, smiling at her. Evidently, Lacey doesn't really smile a whole lot. Oh, and she's mad at Kristin for being a Liz Wakefield, but apparently all that's forgiven. Kristin disapproves of Lacey's outfit -- "a clingy, purple patterned top, black vinyl pants, and black high-top sandals...She was wearing purple lipstick too. Even her toenails were purple." Well hel-lo, Janet Howell! And call me ignorant, but I'm still trying to get my head around what high-top sandals could be. Kristin asks Lacey if she's mad at her, and Lacey says, "Yeah, yeah -- WHATEVER." Yes, a Lacey WHATEVER! Smells like teen spirit!
Lacey tells Kristin that she's moving to NYC with mother dearest. Kristin's reaction? "My eyes began to smart. My throat tightened. I sniffed loudly." Apparently Kristin is allergic to other peoples' joy. No wonder she's such a buzzkill all the time. Apparently Lacey is jabbering on and on about strolling down Seventh Avenue in designer garb. Because that's the most famous avenue in New York. Lacey stops talking when she realises Kristin's upset. First Kristin tells her that she's sad Lacey's moving across the country. Then Kristin tells her that she's worried about her flaky mother being a flaky flake and flaking out on her. (She may or may not have actually used those words.) Just then, Jessica and Bethel approach them, and Bethel apologises to Kristin for the way she acted at the mall yesterday. Kristin decides to get her kum-ba-ya-yas out and apologise to Bethel. Ugh, so lame! Lacey, save us from the lameness! Lacey pays Kristin out for not giving Lacey her undivided attention, and storms off. Atta girl, Lacey. I knew you'd bring the 'tude.
Kristin gets all sad again, and tells Jessica that Lacey's moving. "Jessica patted [her] on the shoulder, just the way Lacey had done only moments before. Although [she] had to admit, Jessica's pat was more comforting." Well there you go -- Jessica gives good pat. Even Bethel is nice to her, and offers to go to the mall and talk to the rest of the potential carnival sponsors for her. For some reason, Kristin thinks this is some grand gesture of friendship. Or...Bethel could just be using Kristin's fragile emotional state to take charge of the carnival, like she wanted to in the first place. The fact that this doesn't cross Kristin's mind is proof that Kristin is a feeb of epic proportions, and fails at life.
Chapter 'tweener -- Lacey attempts to break up with Gel in a letter. Except she doesn't finish it, because she can't think of a single thing she'll miss about him. God, I hope this is the book where they break up.
More Lacey. She comes home from school to see Sonia's rental car in the driveway, and she assumes Sonia's in the house talking some sense into Maxwell. (Maybe we'll even find out his real name!) Lacey's mentally planning her life in New York, and it doesn't involve that traitor bitch Kristin. At the thought of Kristin, Lacey's like, "WHATEVER." Wow, just when we thought she was gone, folks, Lacey Frells pulls out an unbelievable come-from-behind victory, putting her in equal first place atop the WHATEVER leaderboard! Lacey can't be here tonight to accept her award (on account of her never being seen or heard from again after this series), so I will on her behalf.
Lacey enters Casa Frells, and the whole family's in the living room all sullen-like. Lacey's pissed that Victoria's there, and even more pissed when everyone refuses to look at her. She yells at Maxwell because she thinks he's stopping Sonia from taking her to New York, but Sonia explains that she's just gotten a job offer to work at French Vogue. Which, if I've seen enough episodes of The Hills (and I assure you, I have), is a damn fine offer. Lacey's like, "Fine, whatev, I'll just come with you and do the France thing for a while," and Sonia tells her it'll interfere with work too much. That she'll interfere with work too much. Wow, that's thoughtlessly mean. I hate when Kristin's right.
Victoria leaves the room so Sonia and her old family can have their goodbye moment. That bitch is all class. Even Lacey has to admit it. Sonia starts backpedalling, offering to let her come and visit whenever Sonia's in New York, but awesome attitude-y Lacey is having none of it. She's just like, "Bye, Mom," even though if ever a moment called for a WHATEVER, it was that one. Lacey, you've let me down terribly. Go to your room and think about what you've done.
Elizabeth chapter. Apparently she and her uniform-less band of volleyballing misfits are losing to San Mario Junior High. Wow, that space between Big Mesa and Palisades is getting bigger and bigger as this book goes on. Liz, it seems is a walking ball of rage today -- not only are San Mario wearing the uniforms she oh-so-desperately wants for her own team, but Blue and Rick didn't even show up. Those dirty hippies, too rad and mellow for their own good.
Blue enters the gym, going, "Wait a minute, there's no birthday party in here for me!" Seriously, though, he and Rick Maybe Andover do rock up. With an older girl. (Scandal!) Blue's shirtless, which we all know means no dice, don't we, boys and girls? Liz is horrified. Oh, and Leaf greets his exceptionally-tardy brother with a high-five. Liz is slightly more horrified. Blue explains that they caught some gnarly waves (or something to that effect), and the girl agrees. Liz is horrified+. Leaf and Blue continue discussing the surfing conditions, and Liz's horror finally boils over and she yells at them all for being thoughtless morons. Which I guess is fair enough. Blue tells her to chill the fuck out, and Liz quits and walks out. Wow. I just...wow. That was pure unadulterated drama right there. I hope you realise that.
Chapter 'tweener. (These always suck, so I don't know why I keep including them.) Kristin's making a list of things to put in a memory bag for Lacey. Boring. For some reason, she lists "stationery" and "pens" separately. I'm not sure what Kristin thinks pens are, but this further proves my point that Kristin has not fully evolved properly.
Kristin chapter. This had better be the last fucking one. She's walking to Lacey's house -- lame ass memory bag in hand, filled to the brim with all the pens and stationery. She's worried Victoria will be angry at her for disrupting their family dinner time (apparently Kristin's mother hates her so much that she doesn't even want to see her at dinner), but when she gets there, Victoria is extremely happy to see her. Apparently Lacey has been reading the Angsty Teen handbook and has locked herself in her room. Kristin and her memory bag to the rescue!
Lacey lets Kristin in, and explains that her mother flaked out on the whole New York thing. In all fairness, that's not quite what happened. She did get a great job offer. Sure, she was insensitive as all get-out, but let's call a spade a spade, shall we? Kristin "couldn't help but feel happy" at her friend's misery. Okay, Kristin, I feel it is my duty to inform you that you suck. You do, you suck, and you will never not suck. Go be sucky somewhere else so I don't have to read about you and your suckiness anymore.
Hey, would you look at that? Kristin actually takes my advice and leaves. Wow. I feel so powerful. Maybe I should take this time to tell Liz that she, too, sucks and ought to go far away. And while we're at it, if you're out there, Lila Fowler and Bruce Patman, I need to you to transfer to SVJH and get together. Those are all the requests I have for now; I don't want to jinx my newfound power. Anyway.
Lacey goes to bed, but soon her father (whose name may or may not be Maxwell) walks in. He says that everyone, including Victoria, loves her. Lacey thinks it's an act, and decides to put on one of her own, telling her dad that she was only interested in moving with Sonia so she could live in New York. That's very Lacey, but in this case, totally untrue. Maxwell leaves and Lacey cries. But...what? We're nearing the end! How sad and unresolved.
Blue chapter. He "had to find Liz." Wow, Blue, I thought I'd give you this chapter to redeem yourself, and then you go and start with that. He finds her at her locker and apologises. Liz admits that she just assumed they were slackers, and didn't think for a minute that they could be perfectly happy without Liz showing up and Lizzing up their team. Again, she may or may not have said it quite like that. Liz says she'll rejoin the team if they decide not to have captains. Blue's like, "Whatev, you crazy bitch; you're the one whose idea it was to have captains in the first place." They high-five, and then proceed to go to U.S. History and annoy Mr. Hand.
Chapter 'tweener. Letter to I Scream confirming their free ice-cream deal. So not necessary. I hope their carnival gets rained out.
Oh hey, there is another Lacey chapter. It must be really short. After school, Lacey walks into the parking lot, only to see Gel sitting there. Nice of you to show up, Gel. You're a real prince, you know that? Lacey tells him that her mother left to go to France, and he tells her that maybe she'll bring back some cool presents for her. Which I'd like to snark, but this actually proves that Gel does know Lacey on the deepest level she has. They drive around, and Lacey finds comfort in the familiarity of everything around her. Wow, that's deep. I take back that dig at her shallowness.
Then she and Gel spot a surfer dude. Is it supposed to be Blue? I don't know, but I like to think it is. Gel leans out his window and yells, "Surf's up, dude!" and Lacey laughs and thinks how he's so reliable. Um, yeah. So I guess everything's fine between them now, despite the fact that I can't find a single scrap of evidence that these two actually like each other. Sigh. This book sucked. And it didn't even finish with a WHATEVER.