SVU 48: No Rules - Part 2
Part 1 is here.
Chapter 9
Liz is musing over the beautiful scenery, Josh and Uli have hangovers and Sam is pissed off, as usual. Apparently they have been bickering since they mucked up the cup contest. Sam is apparently swerving around a lot and scaring Ruby. Liz is like, Guys, driving an RV in the mountains is pretty hard, and Sam is like, I can stand up for myself. Liz says that maybe someone else can drive for a while, and Sam is like, Isn’t it Charlie’s turn? Charlie apparently can only drive an automatic. I can’t imagine how Sam would be acting if she couldn’t drive at all. Seriously, how can these kids afford to pay for college and driving lessons and not get into debt? Sweet Valley is definitely an alternate universe. Clearly Sam wouldn’t approve of me, who doesn’t care at all about learning to drive. Big deal. Public transport is cheap when you’re a student. A car is not. Anyway, Charlie gets upset by Sam. I’d have hit him by now. They stop at a dinette and go to get some food. Everyone leaves the RV except for Liz and Charlie, the latter of whom is crying about not being able to drive a non-automatic. Liz is like, Oh, don’t mind Sam, he’s just cranky. Liz offers to teach Charlie how to drive the RV. Because Liz can do anything.
Ruby heads over to the RV with some take-out food for the girls. Ruby tells Charlie how impressed she is that Charlie is learning to drive the RV and that she’s sorry for thinking that they’re “spoiled princesses.” They eat corn bread. Okay, first corn dogs, now corn bread. What are these strange foods? Ruby says that the guys are being idiots - drinking loads of beer and practicing Swedish toasts. Then the three idiots turn up and Josh moans about moving the RV. Sam moans about it being parked over 5 spaces. Sam says that if Charlie is driving then he’s walking. Uli is like, You can’t walk, it’s too far. Because Swedish people don’t understand sarcasm. Then both Uli and Josh offer to drive and Ruby’s like, Um, no way, you’ve all been drinking, one of us girls will drive. “Just not Charlie!” Sam wailed dramatically, as if he were being thrown to the wolves. Does that sentence make anyone else want to giggle? Then Ruby says that she’ll drive and says some rubbish about “say it to the hand ‘cause the ears ain’t listening” and they all start a discussion about Ruby putting on her “Oprah attitude” when she’s pissed off. Everyone cheers up a bit.
But not for long. It starts to get dark and Liz says that they should find an RV park for the night. Sam says that they should keep driving through the night.
“I say keep on truckin’,” Josh yelled.
“Me too,” Uli agreed.
“You don’t even know what that means,” Ruby said.
“I do.” He looked across the table at Sam, who nodded encouragement. “We keep on going to the truck shop.”
Ghostwriter’s marks out of 10 in representing people who speak English as a second language: -173
Ruby and Sam get into an argument about neither of them sticking with their partners or getting any cups in Vegas. Then Sam starts on Charlie, asking where she was in Vegas. Liz stops the RV in a RV park and tells Sam that if he wants to keep driving so badly then drink some coffee and sober up. He calls her a “control freak.” 1bruce1 throws a party for Sam. Liz cries and leaves the RV. Sam has thinks about how women fall apart at criticism, and that they would stand a moment with his dad. Wow, character development! Sam had a life before this book! He says that everyone can blame him for the cups in Vegas if they want - it’s not the first time he’s taken the blame for everything. Emo!Sam sucks. IHateLiz!Sam is much better. Sam wonders how Liz takes her coffee and then takes a coke from the fridge and heads outside. Sam spots Liz and thinks “Why did she have to be on my team? Why does she have to be so beautiful? Why do I care?” 1bruce1 has a moment’s silence as yet another young man is captured by the Wakefield twin’s magical, brain-washing aurora. Or something.
Chapter 10
Team 2 - Liz’s team - have been driven to their next destination through the night by Sam, and are now being awoken by Duke, their river guide. Charlie drops her sheet revealing her PJs - a T-shirt and pink knickers. Josh says “Nice jammies!” with a “suggestive lear” and Sam adds in “Nicer legs.” I yet again wonder why Sam means so much to Liz. Sam reads out the instructions for their next task to the group - they’re going white water rafting. Charlie hyperventilates and Liz gives her a paper bag to breathe into. When she can finally breathe again, she asks if any of them have been white water rafting before. Uli’s like, We’ll be fine, we have a guide. Charlie still maintains that it’s dangerous, and they could die. WHY IS SHE EVEN ON A ROAD TRIP SPONSERED BY AN EXTREME SPORTS CHANNEL? Sam tells her that she’ll be fine as they have helmets and life jackets. Everyone starts to put swimsuits on. They’re only wearing their swimsuits for this event? Won’t the water be cold? Anyway, Charlie goes to sit outside the RV and cry and St. Liz comes to save the day. I won’t recap what she says as none of us care.
Over at Team 1 - Jess’s team - Todd is asking Pam and Rob why they aren’t suited up. They say they’re sitting this one out as Pam can’t swim very well and Rob doesn’t want to put her in danger. Todd points out that the whole team has to join in or they fail. Rob goes on and on about putting Pam at risk, and girls being delicate, and how river rafting isn’t suitable for women. Todd is like, None of the other girls are bothered. Rob still continues on his Girls are Delicate rant until Todd is like, Pam, since when was Rob your boss? This works and Pam tells Rob that she’s going river rafting. They argue. Again.
Ruby is annoyed that her fabulous braids will be hidden by her rafting helmet. Clearly she’s forgotten that she’s on an extreme sports road trip, like Charlie. Sam and Liz are still bickering, and he’s pissed off that Liz told Charlie that she didn’t have to join in, as they’re going to get disqualified. Liz is all, Winning isn’t everything! And Sam, Josh and eventually Uli disagree with her. Liz ignores them and tries to reassure the other two girls. Ruby admits to herself that she’s quite scared of getting into the water, but doesn’t tell anyone.
There’s a very boring section about Jess’s team, in which Pam discusses the safety of the raft and Tom notices that Liz is nearby and starts ordering everyone around in order to impress him. Because we all know how much Liz likes to tell people what to do.
Back to Liz’s team. She thinks about how their team has totally fallen apart and aren’t ready for a dangerous event like river rafting. Was there ever a time when the team were happy together? I think not. Sam makes fun of Liz, asking whether she’s going to shout orders at them as usual. Liz thinks about how attractive he is - apparently he has “muscular arms and twinkling eyes.” But he’s still a jerk, she reminds herself.
Jess’s team. Pam is panicking, Todd is shouting orders and Jess is annoyed with Todd. Despite this, their ride is a success.
Liz’s team. Sam notes that Charlie and Ruby are petrified and Josh is clumsy. They start rafting, or whatever you call it, and Ruby falls overboard. Liz leaps in after her. “Sam’s heart stopped.” Wouldn’t that make him dead? Uli has “corded muscles,” in case anyone cares. And if anyone knows what that means. They finish the rafting but Sam can’t see either of the girls anywhere. He promises to - himself, God? - that he’ll keep his mouth shut for the rest of the trip if Liz is okay. I think he breaks this promise pretty quickly.
Chapter 11
Tom watches as Liz and Ruby are pulled out of the water and thinks that Liz must wish she was on his team - he wouldn’t have let her nearly drown. Um, she jumped in herself. Tom considers going over and telling her exactly that (that he wouldn’t have let her drown) and that his team had done really well. I’m sure she’ll appreciate that Tom. But then he sees Sam running over to her, shouting and waving. Tom thinks that he can’t go over there as he’d “have to smash that guy’s lights out.” TomPunch? Liz has a thing for violent guys.
Liz’s team have not only lost, but been disqualified from that event because only four of their members completed it. Charlie is proud that she managed to finish the whole event, and keep her calm even when Liz and Ruby fell overboard. Sam rants about how the girls ruined it, and Charlie points out that she didn’t have a part in disqualifying them, and Sam retracts his comment. He does, however, say that Liz shouldn’t have jumped in after Ruby as Ruby was wearing a lifejacket and the guides would have rescued her - “but Elizabeth had to play hero.” So true, Sam, so true. Of course, we know that the real reason he’s angry is that he’s so madly in love with Liz that he doesn’t want to see her hurt. Snore. Anyway, they all argue and Charlie stands up for herself, feeling glad that her parents made her go on this trip. Um, Charlie, why are you letting your parents push you around when you’re, what, 19, 20? Crazy.
Neil asks Jess how her sister is going and they chat for a bit. She asks if she looks okay and he tells her that she looks beautiful. He’s very good at pretending to be straight. The scores are announced by RV - Team 1 (Jess) are in first place and Team 2 (Liz) are in last place. Neil picks her up and spins her around, and she’s sure that she feels a spark of…love? I don’t know.
Sam gives Liz a towel and tells her not to catch pneumonia and give it to the whole team. How sweet. Liz and Ruby have a bonding chat, and it is revealed that Ruby couldn’t swim. I think she’s pretty brave - going white water rafting when she can’t swim. I can’t swim and I would just point blank refuse to participate. Then the rest of the team enters and there’s silence until Charlie turns up with food from “Cuzin Chunky’s Fried Chicken.” I take it this is meant to be KFC or something? Ruby calls it “swill” and Uli gets confused because he thought they said “sill” which is Swedish for fish. A quick use of an English-Swedish translator proves that “sill” actually means herring, not fish. I’m sure that the Swedes don’t just eat herring. However, Uli says that if you ate fish three times a day then it would be like “swill.” Because in Sweden there isn’t any other food available other than fish. Riiiight. Everybody looks at him and smiles and laughs condescendingly. Sam arrives and everything is awkward.
Jess’s team discuss the possibility of them winning the $5,000 scholarship. Pam and Rob say that they need it because their parents won’t continue to pay for their tuition if they get married before they graduate. So, what, they’re happy that the two of them live together and act like their married but won’t allow them to go through with the actual ceremony? That seems pretty odd. Plus, they’re legal adults. If they get married and realise that it was a mistake then it’s their fault - not their parents. This annoyed me. I don’t think my parents would mind if I got married when I was still at Uni. They don’t treat me like I’m five-years-old and need their guidance on everything. Anyway, Pam suggests that they all play Truth or Dare. Neil doesn’t like the sound of this and accidentally drops his chicken on to his shirt. He’s all, My secret’s out; I’m a klutz, and Jess wipes his shirt. It’s kind of sweet. Pam urges them all to play Truth or Dare and Neil worries about whether Pam had found something out about him. Hmm, what could she possibly have found out?
Chapter 12
Obviously they never played Truth or Dare because it’s the next morning. Jess opens a box of cereal and a note falls out. Todd reads it, and apparently they’re heading to somewhere called Wall, South Dakota. They’re meant to meet at a place called “Wall Drug.” Is that short for DrugSTORE? They wonder what they could be doing in South Dakota. Jess suggests that they’ll be chasing bears. Neil points out that they’re more likely to be chased BY the bears. Amusingly, two days ago, me and a friend were discussing the possibilities of being eaten by bears in Scandinavia if we went camping. Except they only have fish in Scandinavia, so we don’t need to worry about that now. Actually, I should get Markus to read this book as he’s pretty familiar with Sweden. I wonder what he’d think of Uli? Anyway, back to the book. Rob yawns and scratches his stomach and Jess thinks that he looks like Homer Simpson. Just in case we didn’t think he was unappealing enough already. Rob says that he’s been to Wall, South Dakota (Rob has been everywhere) and that there are jackalope there. I have no idea what jackalope are, and neither does Microsoft Word Spellcheck. They all laugh at this suggestion and Jess is glad that they’re all getting along so well in her team.
Tom is reading and Todd is playing on Rob’s GameBoy. He keeps interrupting Tom and annoying him by talking about Liz falling out of the raft. He says that “it was like something out Baywatch.” Well, they were wearing swimming costumes. Todd says that his heart was in his mouth and Tom gets annoyed that someone other than him cares about Liz. They argue more about Liz, proving that neither is over her. Of course not. Every guy in Sweet Valley fancies the pants off Liz. Jessica tells them to shut up as they “are both history in Elizabeth’s book.” LOL.
Neil tries to break the ice by getting everyone drinks and Pam suggests that they play Truth or Dare. Neil drops a bottle of juice. Neil gets bullied into playing even thought he’d “rather have hot wax poured on the most sensitive parts” of his body. He amusingly thinks that that’s probably the kind of dare Pam would come up with. They all agree on the rules, one of which is that no one can ask Tom or Todd any questions about Liz as they’ll start fighting again. Pam asks Jess a question first and she picks Truth. The question is about whether Jess would consider kissing a guy even if he was her sister’s boyfriend. Todd amusingly has a coughing fit. Neil figures that they had something going on at some point. Jess says that she would kiss her sister’s boyfriend “in certain circumstances.” Jess then picks Neil, who obviously picks Dare, and he has to allow her to put all his hair in braids (it must be kind of long) and paint his nails bright green. They ask some more questions and then Neil gets dared to give Jessica a “passionate kiss” for exactly 60 seconds. So he does. And everyone counts to sixty loudly in the background. After it’s finished Jess makes a joke and Neil is glad that everything is still okay between them. Oh, Neil, can’t you see that she’s totally besotted with you?
Next, Jess talks about how the kiss made her even more besotted. She can tell that something wasn’t right about the kiss, but just reasons that he’s not ready to go that far yet. She still thinks there’s something between them. Todd asks Tom to rate his kiss with Jess behind the Theta house (which book was that again?) on a scale of one to ten. Tom thinks for ages and then says seven. Neil says that his kiss with Jess just then was more than a seven. Tom picks Rob and dares him to find a place to stop for the night ASAP. Neil says that they need to get some decent food. Jess goes to find nail polish remover for Neil and thinks about how shy he is. I feel kind of sorry for Jess.
Chapter 13
Charlie is driving the RV very, very slowly. Maybe it’s just me, but I would think that the best time to learn how to drive is NOT when you’re racing to get to your next location as part of a competition. Elizabeth Wakefield does not appear to share this opinion. Sam says that he’d like to reach South Dakota before the snow sets in and Uli is surprised that it snows in July over in South Dakota. “Figure of speech,” Ruby and Sam say together. I think the Ghostwriter’s score is now about -892. Everyone continues to slag Charlie off, and even Josh points out that now is not the best time for a Driver’s Ed class. Do you seriously have to take a class in learning how to drive when you’re in high school? I would hate that. I would be like, “Um, do you think I can afford Uni and a car? No. Please let me go back to Advanced Higher History.” Charlie tells Liz that she wants to stop driving and Liz is like, Oh, you’re doing fine. Charlie insists. Sam says that a pedestrian just walked past. Josh says that it was a lame pedestrian. Sam says that it was an old, lame pedestrian. I’m actually rather amused by them. Liz lets Charlie pull over to the hard shoulder and blames Sam and Josh for upsetting her. I think some of the blame should go on Liz, for making Charlie drive when they were around and when they’re in a rush.
However, Liz shouts at Sam anyway. And lectures him for calling him a “chick.” Okay, he should have learnt his lesson on that one already. Sam is a total jerk about making fun of Charlie. Liz says that he has to stop ripping people apart and attempt to help get the team united. This reduces him to silence. Sam goes into the bathroom and doesn’t come out for a while and Ruby and Liz begin to worry. Liz tries talking to him through the door but he doesn’t answer. Then he comes out and makes a big show of zipping his pants and moans at them for disturbing him. He’s all, You didn’t think I was in there pouting, did you? Ruby doesn’t believe him as his eyes are red. Emo!Sam
Liz is driving the night shift and blows a tire. Sam talks her through parking the RV safely. Liz thinks that he sounds concerned, but then he rants about women drivers. He sounds like my dad. The team worry about what they should do (of course, these were the days before mobile phones) as all of the other ICSN vans have passed them. See, Liz - terrible time to teach someone to drive! Liz asks Sam if they have any flares and he’s like, What for - to scare off all the heavy traffic? Liz talks sensibly to him and he’s like, Ooh, look at you. They argue. He storms off. Liz is like, He’s such a jerk, and Ruby is like, Maybe he has some inner psychological issue. Then she sends Liz to go and talk to him. She tries to make Sam and Uli go instead but they’re fixing the tire. Liz goes to find Sam but he doesn’t want to talk, unsurprisingly. She puts her hand on his back - wow, not his shoulder? Then he sobs into the front of her shoulder and she hugs him. He says that he was worried that they might have been hurt when the tire burst. And when she and Ruby fell out of the raft. Sam has FEELINGS. He says that he felt scared. Liz realises that it must have taken a lot of guts for Sam to admit to feeling scared and anxious, so tells him that it’s okay; everyone feels like that sometimes. Sam’s like, Not Super-Liz! Sam should join 1bruce1. He’s revealed so many faults about Liz in this one book! But Liz is like, Nope, I’m scared too sometimes. Then she realises that he’s smirking at her, and decides that Sam so isn’t her type; she doesn’t find sarcasm attractive. He makes some stupid comments to her and she leaves.
Liz arrives back at the RV and Charlie asks what she and Sam got up to for an hour. Oh come on, surely that
exchange didn’t take an hour? While she was gone they all changed the tire and are ready to go. Liz tries to claim that she spoke to Sam and then walked around for a bit. Ruby’s like, Ah, so that explains the flushed cheeks. And Charlie’s like, And your fidgeting. They make jokes about Liz and Sam and Liz gets so annoyed that she slags him off and lists all of his bad points. Obviously, Sam turns up at this moment and she shuts up quickly. He makes loud comments about never letting Liz drive again. Charlie notices that Liz was gripping the table with both hands. I don’t see how this shows that Liz likes him, but meh.
Chapter 14
Jessica’s team arrive at Wall, South Dakota and it is incredibly hot so they all go to get water. Apparently they’re offering free water in Wall. Bad marketing. If your town is so hot, why not sell the water and make money out of the weather? Ahem… No, I am not studying Business Management this year at school, why did you ask? In case anyone cares, Rob can drink more water than anyone on the planet. Because Rob has done anything which is possible. And some girl from SVU called Allison taunts Jess by drinking loads of water. Jess and Neil flirt, but not really, as he’s not straight, as we will soon find out. Oh, and there are jackalope in Wall. Rob was actually right. The team hang around Wall until the next event is about to start. Jess worries that Liz’s team won’t turn up in time and will be disqualified. Again.
Tom is also worrying about Liz turning up. Because Tom has no life and Liz is all he thinks about. Seriously, how old is he? Fifteen? The ghostwriter of this book clearly has no sense of time, because Rob goes to use the loo and then returns three lines later, with water for everyone. Pretty quick pee, don’t you think? Unless Pam and Tom talk vvvvvvvveeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy sssssssssssslllllllllllllllllooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwlllllllllllyyyyyyyyy. Which I doubt. Anyway, while Tom is worrying about Liz and RV makes his way up to the platform to announce the next event, Liz and her team burst into the room. RV tells them all that during the Depression, the Hustead family saved their business by offering free iced water. I suppose it is a way to entice people in. Good marketing technique! Anyway, the next event is announced - the team who can drink the most free iced water in fifteen minutes wins! Haha, who saw that one coming? Everyone groans and Tom looks at the water and begins to feel sick.
Liz’s team, however, think that this event is awesome. The horn goes to signal the start of the competition and everyone toasts using the Swedish toast which Uli taught them. It’s kind of cute. Liz watched Tom’s team and thinks that they aren’t trying very hard (except for Rob) and all look sick. Pam is described as frizzy haired, in case we forgot that she is nowhere near as hot as Elizabeth Wakefield. Liz is glad that her team are actually acting like a team for once.
As the event finishes, the two cameraman (only two cameraman? I’ve done sound and vision for church meetings which have more than two cameramen! Fail, ghostie, fail) are poised at Liz’s team’s table. Sam thinks that this is a good sign. He and Ruby finish off their last glasses of water at the same time, and as the horn sounds. They’ve guzzled down 62 cups of water altogether and pushed themselves up to 3rd place. Jess’s team is still 1st. Upon hearing this news, Sam forgets to be Angry!Sam and hugs both Liz and Ruby. The team then head off to their next location, in Missouri.
Chapter 15
Jess’s team are also on the road again and Jess suggests that they find a good place to go and have a party since they’re all in a celebration mood (despite not winning the contest). Everyone thinks this is a great idea, but after 30 miles they can’t find the “perfect club.” They eventually find a tiny town called “Wonderlust.” Jess makes a joke about how anyone living there would be itching to get out. Neil picks up a hairbrush and pretends to be a tourguide, and makes jokes about the town. It’s rather cute, actually. I was beginning to worry about the ghostwriter getting the spelling of the town wrong, but Neil comments on it so obviously that was intentional. Luckily, just outside the town, there is a big gray barn which is like some sort of bar, with all the beer you can drink for $10 and karaoke. Neil loves karaoke, by the way.
Liz’s team spot Jess’s team parking outside the bar and they all decide to head on in. They’re actually getting on well, and when Sam teases Ruby about finally getting her chance to sing for someone other than herself all she does is laugh and throw a shoe at him. Charlie suspiciously suggests that they park new the highway so that the other teams can see the RV and join them. Since when was Charlie so concerned about the other teams? Hmm. Josh makes a speech about the development of “teamship” (not a real word, by the way) and Ruby’s like, What are you on about? And he’s like, Um, yay, no fighting anymore? Everybody agrees that that is cause for celebration and they go to get dressed up.
Tom is moping. Karaoke is not his idea of fun. Mine neither, buddy, but then again my only experience of karaoke is on the end of term at high school, and karaoke is sure to be much more fun with friends rather than the idiots you are forced to go to school with. Oh wait, did I just admit that school was not the best time in my life? The Wakefields would murder me if they heard me. Anyway, Tom is drinking lots and thinking that now that Liz is in the bar, things are looking up. “Now that they’d have some time apart, she could be having second thoughts about their breakup.” Um, no, she’s had plenty of time to become attached to a slacker jerk named Sam. Tom wonders whether she’s noticed how well his team has been doing. Yeah, that’s what I look for in a guy. “Oh X, your Road Trip Challenge Team is going so well! Forget your drinking problem and that you sleep around and never brush your teeth and live off my student loan because you can’t be arsed getting a job, let’s get married because all I look for in a man is HOW GREAT HIS TEAMWORK IS WHEN HE’S PARTICIPATING IN AN EXTREME SPORTS ROAD TRIP CHALLENGE.” [that speech was not based on fact, by the way] C’mon, seriously!! Where is the logic in that? Tom is stupid. Todd comes over and tells him to stop drinking. Tom says he’s going to talk to Liz, and Todd tells him that drinking won’t impress her. Tom ignores him and goes over to chat with Liz, bumping into things. Liz is like, Have you been drinking? Tom admits that he’s had a few drinks, and then makes Liz introduce him to her friends. She does, and introduces Tom as an old friend who she used to work with. Tom gets annoyed at this, so starts hitting on Charlie. Fab idea, Tom. The only thing which impresses a woman more than teamwork is hitting on her friends. Charlie gets freaked out and leaves. Liz is suitably pissed off with Tom. So he leaves too.
Sam is all, blah, blah, Liz is perfect and beautiful, why can’t I keep my eyes off her? Because the Wakefields have a magical, brainwashing aurora. Josh tries to make him join their table but Sam is Emo!Sam. Then Todd comes over and asks Liz to dance. Sam is Jealous!Sam. Sam asks Josh to find out who he is, so he asks Uli, who says that he’s an old friend of Liz’s. Sam is like, How many old friends does she have on this trip? Indeed, are there no other students at SVU who wanted to go on this trip? Sam goes and interrupts Liz’s dance. He does it under the pretence that she shouldn’t associate with members of other teams. Todd actually says “All right, you little runt.” But no ToddPunch, sadly. Liz is pissed that Sam is telling her who to dance with. Me too. Can’t he just tell her that he fancies her? How old is he, twelve? He proves my theory that men don’t mature until they’re 23. Sam asks her to dance (because he won’t allow her to dance with someone not on their team) and she says no, and goes to dance with Todd. He ignores this and MAKES her dance. Um, force much? And then KISSES HER. DUN DUN DUN.
Liz tries to get Sam off her and he won’t let her AND SHE FINDS THIS ATTRACTIVE. Then he kisses her again and instead of kneeing him in the crotch she kisses him back. Does Liz have any standards AT ALL?
Jessica is jealous that Liz is getting kissed and she isn’t. She’s getting a bit impatient waiting for the right time for things to progress with Neil. When he finishes singing karaoke and passes the mike back to Ruby Jess decides to pull some moves. Neil says that it’s really hot inside so she suggests that they go outside. She flutters her eyelashes and Neil looks a bit shocked. He tries to change the subject and Jess keeps describing how wonderful it’ll be outside, as they’ll be able to see all the stars as they’re in the middle of nowhere, and Neil is like, I’m not really a wilderness guy; I’m more of a party guy. Jess cranks the flirting up, and lays a hand on his knee and is like, I don’t think you understand, don’t you want to go for a walk with me ALONE? Neil is even more shocked and asks her what she’s doing. Jess is like, What do you THINK I’m doing? Then Neil gets it and grabs her hands and says “I thought you knew.” Jessica panics - does he have a girlfriend? But no, that’s not the issue. NEIL IS GAY. Jessica suddenly can’t breathe and inwardly panics. How could she make this mistake, after all - “she knew men.” She begins to worry that everyone else knows and thinks that she made a fool of herself. While Neil babbles on about how he was sure she knew, she runs out of the bar.
Chapter 16
Everyone loves Ruby’s singing and she wishes the cameras were here to see her. She wishes she could sing her own songs, not karaoke stuff. She also decides that college is a waste of her time and she’s going to quit as soon as she gets home.
Liz liked Sam’s kiss. It was a “magical moment.” She doesn’t want anyone to spoil it so goes back to the RV to think about the “magical moment.” Obsession much? She heads to the RV and sees Charlie running across the field towards the bar. Charlie is acting a bit suspicious. She’s also flushed and breathing funny. Liz worries that maybe Charlie and Todd are secretly up to something together, as Todd left soon after her. Liz insists of accompanying Charlie back to the bar but then spots some guy on a motorbike watching them. She goes into stranger-danger mode until Charlie’s like, It’s fine, he’s waiting for me. Liz is like, Charlie! You don’t go off with strange men who you meet in bars! Then Charlie’s like, He’s my boyfriend from back home. She explains that he’s followed them all the way from San Francisco, and stopped at every stop to spend time with her. Apparently she and Scott, her boyfriend, want to get married but her parents won’t let her. CHARLIE, YOU ARE AN ADULT. IT IS NOT UP TO YOUR PARENTS WHAT YOU DO. I don’t understand this, first Pam and Rob, then Charlie and Scott. Why do they all define their relationships on what their parents say? Is this an American thing? Over here, as soon as you hit eighteen you’re an adult; your parents might have an opinion but they can’t control you. So, anyway, her parents wanted her to go away for the summer to keep her apart from Scott. So she decided to go on the ICSN thing, which they were happy with, but Scott has been following her as they can’t stay apart. Okay, kind of sweet, but wouldn’t the fact that they stayed apart for a whole month and still wanted to get married prove that their love for each other was real to her parents, rather than proving that they couldn’t keep their hands off each other for a whole month? Oh, and isn’t Scott the name of Liz’s old boyfriend? Couldn’t the ghostie look up something original in a Baby Names book?
Neil is worried about Jessica as he can’t find her. He asks Todd for help, for some odd reason. Todd suggests that Jess and Liz are away somewhere having a girly chat, so he goes to check Liz’s RV. Neil goes to check his. There is a lump under the duvet in Jess’s bed so he figures that she’s gone to bed. Neil talks to her but she doesn’t reply nor move. He figues that she’s really angry. He apologises anyway, and asks her not to tell the others that he’s gay. He decides to go to sleep too, and tries talking some more to Jess but she won’t reply. He’s upset, and thinks that he’s lost his best friend. I think that there’s a pillow in that bed.
Liz sees Sam behind the RV chatting to Josh about someone who is so hot that she “sizzles.” Sam says that “Nobody can kiss like she does. And that’s only the beginning.” Liz is sure that they’re talking about her and goes to confront Sam, only to find out that the girl that Sam was talking about was a girl that he has waiting for him in Florida. Liz is shocked, and 1bruce1 is like, Duh! Sam’s a prick, didn’t you notice? The girl is called Angelina and from one look at the photo Liz describes her as a “gorgeous redhead in a very skimpy bikini.” Liz rushes off, upset that Sam isn’t besotted with her.
Jess isn’t in her bed. She’s tromping around Wonderlust. She’s sure that everyone else knew that Neil was gay and that they’re all laughing at her back in the bar. She finally returns, but doesn’t spot any of her friends. Despite this, she flops down in a booth and decides that they’ll come back for her. She asks the bartender to tell her when they return, and she falls asleep to have a lovely dream about her and Neil dancing in a ballroom. Aww. I actually feel a little sorry for Jess. Then she wakes up, and hears the RV driving off. But she’s not in the RV; she’s lying under a table in the bar. She goes to look at the window and sees the RV driving towards the bar. She thinks that they’re coming to get her, but the RV keeps driving past. She tries opening the door, but it’s locked. The bangs on the window at them but no one sees her. The RV drives on past, on to the highway, away from her. Jessica Wakefield has been left, stranded in Wonderlust, South Dakota. And in her place is a pillow.
I don't have the second book in the mini-series (Stranded) but I do have the third, so if someone would like to fill in the gap I'll finish the series off afterwards! The second book is pretty awesome - it involves Elvis. That's, um, all I can remember, but Jess falling in love with Elvis should be enough to tempt you...
Chapter 9
Liz is musing over the beautiful scenery, Josh and Uli have hangovers and Sam is pissed off, as usual. Apparently they have been bickering since they mucked up the cup contest. Sam is apparently swerving around a lot and scaring Ruby. Liz is like, Guys, driving an RV in the mountains is pretty hard, and Sam is like, I can stand up for myself. Liz says that maybe someone else can drive for a while, and Sam is like, Isn’t it Charlie’s turn? Charlie apparently can only drive an automatic. I can’t imagine how Sam would be acting if she couldn’t drive at all. Seriously, how can these kids afford to pay for college and driving lessons and not get into debt? Sweet Valley is definitely an alternate universe. Clearly Sam wouldn’t approve of me, who doesn’t care at all about learning to drive. Big deal. Public transport is cheap when you’re a student. A car is not. Anyway, Charlie gets upset by Sam. I’d have hit him by now. They stop at a dinette and go to get some food. Everyone leaves the RV except for Liz and Charlie, the latter of whom is crying about not being able to drive a non-automatic. Liz is like, Oh, don’t mind Sam, he’s just cranky. Liz offers to teach Charlie how to drive the RV. Because Liz can do anything.
Ruby heads over to the RV with some take-out food for the girls. Ruby tells Charlie how impressed she is that Charlie is learning to drive the RV and that she’s sorry for thinking that they’re “spoiled princesses.” They eat corn bread. Okay, first corn dogs, now corn bread. What are these strange foods? Ruby says that the guys are being idiots - drinking loads of beer and practicing Swedish toasts. Then the three idiots turn up and Josh moans about moving the RV. Sam moans about it being parked over 5 spaces. Sam says that if Charlie is driving then he’s walking. Uli is like, You can’t walk, it’s too far. Because Swedish people don’t understand sarcasm. Then both Uli and Josh offer to drive and Ruby’s like, Um, no way, you’ve all been drinking, one of us girls will drive. “Just not Charlie!” Sam wailed dramatically, as if he were being thrown to the wolves. Does that sentence make anyone else want to giggle? Then Ruby says that she’ll drive and says some rubbish about “say it to the hand ‘cause the ears ain’t listening” and they all start a discussion about Ruby putting on her “Oprah attitude” when she’s pissed off. Everyone cheers up a bit.
But not for long. It starts to get dark and Liz says that they should find an RV park for the night. Sam says that they should keep driving through the night.
“I say keep on truckin’,” Josh yelled.
“Me too,” Uli agreed.
“You don’t even know what that means,” Ruby said.
“I do.” He looked across the table at Sam, who nodded encouragement. “We keep on going to the truck shop.”
Ghostwriter’s marks out of 10 in representing people who speak English as a second language: -173
Ruby and Sam get into an argument about neither of them sticking with their partners or getting any cups in Vegas. Then Sam starts on Charlie, asking where she was in Vegas. Liz stops the RV in a RV park and tells Sam that if he wants to keep driving so badly then drink some coffee and sober up. He calls her a “control freak.” 1bruce1 throws a party for Sam. Liz cries and leaves the RV. Sam has thinks about how women fall apart at criticism, and that they would stand a moment with his dad. Wow, character development! Sam had a life before this book! He says that everyone can blame him for the cups in Vegas if they want - it’s not the first time he’s taken the blame for everything. Emo!Sam sucks. IHateLiz!Sam is much better. Sam wonders how Liz takes her coffee and then takes a coke from the fridge and heads outside. Sam spots Liz and thinks “Why did she have to be on my team? Why does she have to be so beautiful? Why do I care?” 1bruce1 has a moment’s silence as yet another young man is captured by the Wakefield twin’s magical, brain-washing aurora. Or something.
Chapter 10
Team 2 - Liz’s team - have been driven to their next destination through the night by Sam, and are now being awoken by Duke, their river guide. Charlie drops her sheet revealing her PJs - a T-shirt and pink knickers. Josh says “Nice jammies!” with a “suggestive lear” and Sam adds in “Nicer legs.” I yet again wonder why Sam means so much to Liz. Sam reads out the instructions for their next task to the group - they’re going white water rafting. Charlie hyperventilates and Liz gives her a paper bag to breathe into. When she can finally breathe again, she asks if any of them have been white water rafting before. Uli’s like, We’ll be fine, we have a guide. Charlie still maintains that it’s dangerous, and they could die. WHY IS SHE EVEN ON A ROAD TRIP SPONSERED BY AN EXTREME SPORTS CHANNEL? Sam tells her that she’ll be fine as they have helmets and life jackets. Everyone starts to put swimsuits on. They’re only wearing their swimsuits for this event? Won’t the water be cold? Anyway, Charlie goes to sit outside the RV and cry and St. Liz comes to save the day. I won’t recap what she says as none of us care.
Over at Team 1 - Jess’s team - Todd is asking Pam and Rob why they aren’t suited up. They say they’re sitting this one out as Pam can’t swim very well and Rob doesn’t want to put her in danger. Todd points out that the whole team has to join in or they fail. Rob goes on and on about putting Pam at risk, and girls being delicate, and how river rafting isn’t suitable for women. Todd is like, None of the other girls are bothered. Rob still continues on his Girls are Delicate rant until Todd is like, Pam, since when was Rob your boss? This works and Pam tells Rob that she’s going river rafting. They argue. Again.
Ruby is annoyed that her fabulous braids will be hidden by her rafting helmet. Clearly she’s forgotten that she’s on an extreme sports road trip, like Charlie. Sam and Liz are still bickering, and he’s pissed off that Liz told Charlie that she didn’t have to join in, as they’re going to get disqualified. Liz is all, Winning isn’t everything! And Sam, Josh and eventually Uli disagree with her. Liz ignores them and tries to reassure the other two girls. Ruby admits to herself that she’s quite scared of getting into the water, but doesn’t tell anyone.
There’s a very boring section about Jess’s team, in which Pam discusses the safety of the raft and Tom notices that Liz is nearby and starts ordering everyone around in order to impress him. Because we all know how much Liz likes to tell people what to do.
Back to Liz’s team. She thinks about how their team has totally fallen apart and aren’t ready for a dangerous event like river rafting. Was there ever a time when the team were happy together? I think not. Sam makes fun of Liz, asking whether she’s going to shout orders at them as usual. Liz thinks about how attractive he is - apparently he has “muscular arms and twinkling eyes.” But he’s still a jerk, she reminds herself.
Jess’s team. Pam is panicking, Todd is shouting orders and Jess is annoyed with Todd. Despite this, their ride is a success.
Liz’s team. Sam notes that Charlie and Ruby are petrified and Josh is clumsy. They start rafting, or whatever you call it, and Ruby falls overboard. Liz leaps in after her. “Sam’s heart stopped.” Wouldn’t that make him dead? Uli has “corded muscles,” in case anyone cares. And if anyone knows what that means. They finish the rafting but Sam can’t see either of the girls anywhere. He promises to - himself, God? - that he’ll keep his mouth shut for the rest of the trip if Liz is okay. I think he breaks this promise pretty quickly.
Chapter 11
Tom watches as Liz and Ruby are pulled out of the water and thinks that Liz must wish she was on his team - he wouldn’t have let her nearly drown. Um, she jumped in herself. Tom considers going over and telling her exactly that (that he wouldn’t have let her drown) and that his team had done really well. I’m sure she’ll appreciate that Tom. But then he sees Sam running over to her, shouting and waving. Tom thinks that he can’t go over there as he’d “have to smash that guy’s lights out.” TomPunch? Liz has a thing for violent guys.
Liz’s team have not only lost, but been disqualified from that event because only four of their members completed it. Charlie is proud that she managed to finish the whole event, and keep her calm even when Liz and Ruby fell overboard. Sam rants about how the girls ruined it, and Charlie points out that she didn’t have a part in disqualifying them, and Sam retracts his comment. He does, however, say that Liz shouldn’t have jumped in after Ruby as Ruby was wearing a lifejacket and the guides would have rescued her - “but Elizabeth had to play hero.” So true, Sam, so true. Of course, we know that the real reason he’s angry is that he’s so madly in love with Liz that he doesn’t want to see her hurt. Snore. Anyway, they all argue and Charlie stands up for herself, feeling glad that her parents made her go on this trip. Um, Charlie, why are you letting your parents push you around when you’re, what, 19, 20? Crazy.
Neil asks Jess how her sister is going and they chat for a bit. She asks if she looks okay and he tells her that she looks beautiful. He’s very good at pretending to be straight. The scores are announced by RV - Team 1 (Jess) are in first place and Team 2 (Liz) are in last place. Neil picks her up and spins her around, and she’s sure that she feels a spark of…love? I don’t know.
Sam gives Liz a towel and tells her not to catch pneumonia and give it to the whole team. How sweet. Liz and Ruby have a bonding chat, and it is revealed that Ruby couldn’t swim. I think she’s pretty brave - going white water rafting when she can’t swim. I can’t swim and I would just point blank refuse to participate. Then the rest of the team enters and there’s silence until Charlie turns up with food from “Cuzin Chunky’s Fried Chicken.” I take it this is meant to be KFC or something? Ruby calls it “swill” and Uli gets confused because he thought they said “sill” which is Swedish for fish. A quick use of an English-Swedish translator proves that “sill” actually means herring, not fish. I’m sure that the Swedes don’t just eat herring. However, Uli says that if you ate fish three times a day then it would be like “swill.” Because in Sweden there isn’t any other food available other than fish. Riiiight. Everybody looks at him and smiles and laughs condescendingly. Sam arrives and everything is awkward.
Jess’s team discuss the possibility of them winning the $5,000 scholarship. Pam and Rob say that they need it because their parents won’t continue to pay for their tuition if they get married before they graduate. So, what, they’re happy that the two of them live together and act like their married but won’t allow them to go through with the actual ceremony? That seems pretty odd. Plus, they’re legal adults. If they get married and realise that it was a mistake then it’s their fault - not their parents. This annoyed me. I don’t think my parents would mind if I got married when I was still at Uni. They don’t treat me like I’m five-years-old and need their guidance on everything. Anyway, Pam suggests that they all play Truth or Dare. Neil doesn’t like the sound of this and accidentally drops his chicken on to his shirt. He’s all, My secret’s out; I’m a klutz, and Jess wipes his shirt. It’s kind of sweet. Pam urges them all to play Truth or Dare and Neil worries about whether Pam had found something out about him. Hmm, what could she possibly have found out?
Chapter 12
Obviously they never played Truth or Dare because it’s the next morning. Jess opens a box of cereal and a note falls out. Todd reads it, and apparently they’re heading to somewhere called Wall, South Dakota. They’re meant to meet at a place called “Wall Drug.” Is that short for DrugSTORE? They wonder what they could be doing in South Dakota. Jess suggests that they’ll be chasing bears. Neil points out that they’re more likely to be chased BY the bears. Amusingly, two days ago, me and a friend were discussing the possibilities of being eaten by bears in Scandinavia if we went camping. Except they only have fish in Scandinavia, so we don’t need to worry about that now. Actually, I should get Markus to read this book as he’s pretty familiar with Sweden. I wonder what he’d think of Uli? Anyway, back to the book. Rob yawns and scratches his stomach and Jess thinks that he looks like Homer Simpson. Just in case we didn’t think he was unappealing enough already. Rob says that he’s been to Wall, South Dakota (Rob has been everywhere) and that there are jackalope there. I have no idea what jackalope are, and neither does Microsoft Word Spellcheck. They all laugh at this suggestion and Jess is glad that they’re all getting along so well in her team.
Tom is reading and Todd is playing on Rob’s GameBoy. He keeps interrupting Tom and annoying him by talking about Liz falling out of the raft. He says that “it was like something out Baywatch.” Well, they were wearing swimming costumes. Todd says that his heart was in his mouth and Tom gets annoyed that someone other than him cares about Liz. They argue more about Liz, proving that neither is over her. Of course not. Every guy in Sweet Valley fancies the pants off Liz. Jessica tells them to shut up as they “are both history in Elizabeth’s book.” LOL.
Neil tries to break the ice by getting everyone drinks and Pam suggests that they play Truth or Dare. Neil drops a bottle of juice. Neil gets bullied into playing even thought he’d “rather have hot wax poured on the most sensitive parts” of his body. He amusingly thinks that that’s probably the kind of dare Pam would come up with. They all agree on the rules, one of which is that no one can ask Tom or Todd any questions about Liz as they’ll start fighting again. Pam asks Jess a question first and she picks Truth. The question is about whether Jess would consider kissing a guy even if he was her sister’s boyfriend. Todd amusingly has a coughing fit. Neil figures that they had something going on at some point. Jess says that she would kiss her sister’s boyfriend “in certain circumstances.” Jess then picks Neil, who obviously picks Dare, and he has to allow her to put all his hair in braids (it must be kind of long) and paint his nails bright green. They ask some more questions and then Neil gets dared to give Jessica a “passionate kiss” for exactly 60 seconds. So he does. And everyone counts to sixty loudly in the background. After it’s finished Jess makes a joke and Neil is glad that everything is still okay between them. Oh, Neil, can’t you see that she’s totally besotted with you?
Next, Jess talks about how the kiss made her even more besotted. She can tell that something wasn’t right about the kiss, but just reasons that he’s not ready to go that far yet. She still thinks there’s something between them. Todd asks Tom to rate his kiss with Jess behind the Theta house (which book was that again?) on a scale of one to ten. Tom thinks for ages and then says seven. Neil says that his kiss with Jess just then was more than a seven. Tom picks Rob and dares him to find a place to stop for the night ASAP. Neil says that they need to get some decent food. Jess goes to find nail polish remover for Neil and thinks about how shy he is. I feel kind of sorry for Jess.
Chapter 13
Charlie is driving the RV very, very slowly. Maybe it’s just me, but I would think that the best time to learn how to drive is NOT when you’re racing to get to your next location as part of a competition. Elizabeth Wakefield does not appear to share this opinion. Sam says that he’d like to reach South Dakota before the snow sets in and Uli is surprised that it snows in July over in South Dakota. “Figure of speech,” Ruby and Sam say together. I think the Ghostwriter’s score is now about -892. Everyone continues to slag Charlie off, and even Josh points out that now is not the best time for a Driver’s Ed class. Do you seriously have to take a class in learning how to drive when you’re in high school? I would hate that. I would be like, “Um, do you think I can afford Uni and a car? No. Please let me go back to Advanced Higher History.” Charlie tells Liz that she wants to stop driving and Liz is like, Oh, you’re doing fine. Charlie insists. Sam says that a pedestrian just walked past. Josh says that it was a lame pedestrian. Sam says that it was an old, lame pedestrian. I’m actually rather amused by them. Liz lets Charlie pull over to the hard shoulder and blames Sam and Josh for upsetting her. I think some of the blame should go on Liz, for making Charlie drive when they were around and when they’re in a rush.
However, Liz shouts at Sam anyway. And lectures him for calling him a “chick.” Okay, he should have learnt his lesson on that one already. Sam is a total jerk about making fun of Charlie. Liz says that he has to stop ripping people apart and attempt to help get the team united. This reduces him to silence. Sam goes into the bathroom and doesn’t come out for a while and Ruby and Liz begin to worry. Liz tries talking to him through the door but he doesn’t answer. Then he comes out and makes a big show of zipping his pants and moans at them for disturbing him. He’s all, You didn’t think I was in there pouting, did you? Ruby doesn’t believe him as his eyes are red. Emo!Sam
Liz is driving the night shift and blows a tire. Sam talks her through parking the RV safely. Liz thinks that he sounds concerned, but then he rants about women drivers. He sounds like my dad. The team worry about what they should do (of course, these were the days before mobile phones) as all of the other ICSN vans have passed them. See, Liz - terrible time to teach someone to drive! Liz asks Sam if they have any flares and he’s like, What for - to scare off all the heavy traffic? Liz talks sensibly to him and he’s like, Ooh, look at you. They argue. He storms off. Liz is like, He’s such a jerk, and Ruby is like, Maybe he has some inner psychological issue. Then she sends Liz to go and talk to him. She tries to make Sam and Uli go instead but they’re fixing the tire. Liz goes to find Sam but he doesn’t want to talk, unsurprisingly. She puts her hand on his back - wow, not his shoulder? Then he sobs into the front of her shoulder and she hugs him. He says that he was worried that they might have been hurt when the tire burst. And when she and Ruby fell out of the raft. Sam has FEELINGS. He says that he felt scared. Liz realises that it must have taken a lot of guts for Sam to admit to feeling scared and anxious, so tells him that it’s okay; everyone feels like that sometimes. Sam’s like, Not Super-Liz! Sam should join 1bruce1. He’s revealed so many faults about Liz in this one book! But Liz is like, Nope, I’m scared too sometimes. Then she realises that he’s smirking at her, and decides that Sam so isn’t her type; she doesn’t find sarcasm attractive. He makes some stupid comments to her and she leaves.
Liz arrives back at the RV and Charlie asks what she and Sam got up to for an hour. Oh come on, surely that
exchange didn’t take an hour? While she was gone they all changed the tire and are ready to go. Liz tries to claim that she spoke to Sam and then walked around for a bit. Ruby’s like, Ah, so that explains the flushed cheeks. And Charlie’s like, And your fidgeting. They make jokes about Liz and Sam and Liz gets so annoyed that she slags him off and lists all of his bad points. Obviously, Sam turns up at this moment and she shuts up quickly. He makes loud comments about never letting Liz drive again. Charlie notices that Liz was gripping the table with both hands. I don’t see how this shows that Liz likes him, but meh.
Chapter 14
Jessica’s team arrive at Wall, South Dakota and it is incredibly hot so they all go to get water. Apparently they’re offering free water in Wall. Bad marketing. If your town is so hot, why not sell the water and make money out of the weather? Ahem… No, I am not studying Business Management this year at school, why did you ask? In case anyone cares, Rob can drink more water than anyone on the planet. Because Rob has done anything which is possible. And some girl from SVU called Allison taunts Jess by drinking loads of water. Jess and Neil flirt, but not really, as he’s not straight, as we will soon find out. Oh, and there are jackalope in Wall. Rob was actually right. The team hang around Wall until the next event is about to start. Jess worries that Liz’s team won’t turn up in time and will be disqualified. Again.
Tom is also worrying about Liz turning up. Because Tom has no life and Liz is all he thinks about. Seriously, how old is he? Fifteen? The ghostwriter of this book clearly has no sense of time, because Rob goes to use the loo and then returns three lines later, with water for everyone. Pretty quick pee, don’t you think? Unless Pam and Tom talk vvvvvvvveeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy sssssssssssslllllllllllllllllooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwlllllllllllyyyyyyyyy. Which I doubt. Anyway, while Tom is worrying about Liz and RV makes his way up to the platform to announce the next event, Liz and her team burst into the room. RV tells them all that during the Depression, the Hustead family saved their business by offering free iced water. I suppose it is a way to entice people in. Good marketing technique! Anyway, the next event is announced - the team who can drink the most free iced water in fifteen minutes wins! Haha, who saw that one coming? Everyone groans and Tom looks at the water and begins to feel sick.
Liz’s team, however, think that this event is awesome. The horn goes to signal the start of the competition and everyone toasts using the Swedish toast which Uli taught them. It’s kind of cute. Liz watched Tom’s team and thinks that they aren’t trying very hard (except for Rob) and all look sick. Pam is described as frizzy haired, in case we forgot that she is nowhere near as hot as Elizabeth Wakefield. Liz is glad that her team are actually acting like a team for once.
As the event finishes, the two cameraman (only two cameraman? I’ve done sound and vision for church meetings which have more than two cameramen! Fail, ghostie, fail) are poised at Liz’s team’s table. Sam thinks that this is a good sign. He and Ruby finish off their last glasses of water at the same time, and as the horn sounds. They’ve guzzled down 62 cups of water altogether and pushed themselves up to 3rd place. Jess’s team is still 1st. Upon hearing this news, Sam forgets to be Angry!Sam and hugs both Liz and Ruby. The team then head off to their next location, in Missouri.
Chapter 15
Jess’s team are also on the road again and Jess suggests that they find a good place to go and have a party since they’re all in a celebration mood (despite not winning the contest). Everyone thinks this is a great idea, but after 30 miles they can’t find the “perfect club.” They eventually find a tiny town called “Wonderlust.” Jess makes a joke about how anyone living there would be itching to get out. Neil picks up a hairbrush and pretends to be a tourguide, and makes jokes about the town. It’s rather cute, actually. I was beginning to worry about the ghostwriter getting the spelling of the town wrong, but Neil comments on it so obviously that was intentional. Luckily, just outside the town, there is a big gray barn which is like some sort of bar, with all the beer you can drink for $10 and karaoke. Neil loves karaoke, by the way.
Liz’s team spot Jess’s team parking outside the bar and they all decide to head on in. They’re actually getting on well, and when Sam teases Ruby about finally getting her chance to sing for someone other than herself all she does is laugh and throw a shoe at him. Charlie suspiciously suggests that they park new the highway so that the other teams can see the RV and join them. Since when was Charlie so concerned about the other teams? Hmm. Josh makes a speech about the development of “teamship” (not a real word, by the way) and Ruby’s like, What are you on about? And he’s like, Um, yay, no fighting anymore? Everybody agrees that that is cause for celebration and they go to get dressed up.
Tom is moping. Karaoke is not his idea of fun. Mine neither, buddy, but then again my only experience of karaoke is on the end of term at high school, and karaoke is sure to be much more fun with friends rather than the idiots you are forced to go to school with. Oh wait, did I just admit that school was not the best time in my life? The Wakefields would murder me if they heard me. Anyway, Tom is drinking lots and thinking that now that Liz is in the bar, things are looking up. “Now that they’d have some time apart, she could be having second thoughts about their breakup.” Um, no, she’s had plenty of time to become attached to a slacker jerk named Sam. Tom wonders whether she’s noticed how well his team has been doing. Yeah, that’s what I look for in a guy. “Oh X, your Road Trip Challenge Team is going so well! Forget your drinking problem and that you sleep around and never brush your teeth and live off my student loan because you can’t be arsed getting a job, let’s get married because all I look for in a man is HOW GREAT HIS TEAMWORK IS WHEN HE’S PARTICIPATING IN AN EXTREME SPORTS ROAD TRIP CHALLENGE.” [that speech was not based on fact, by the way] C’mon, seriously!! Where is the logic in that? Tom is stupid. Todd comes over and tells him to stop drinking. Tom says he’s going to talk to Liz, and Todd tells him that drinking won’t impress her. Tom ignores him and goes over to chat with Liz, bumping into things. Liz is like, Have you been drinking? Tom admits that he’s had a few drinks, and then makes Liz introduce him to her friends. She does, and introduces Tom as an old friend who she used to work with. Tom gets annoyed at this, so starts hitting on Charlie. Fab idea, Tom. The only thing which impresses a woman more than teamwork is hitting on her friends. Charlie gets freaked out and leaves. Liz is suitably pissed off with Tom. So he leaves too.
Sam is all, blah, blah, Liz is perfect and beautiful, why can’t I keep my eyes off her? Because the Wakefields have a magical, brainwashing aurora. Josh tries to make him join their table but Sam is Emo!Sam. Then Todd comes over and asks Liz to dance. Sam is Jealous!Sam. Sam asks Josh to find out who he is, so he asks Uli, who says that he’s an old friend of Liz’s. Sam is like, How many old friends does she have on this trip? Indeed, are there no other students at SVU who wanted to go on this trip? Sam goes and interrupts Liz’s dance. He does it under the pretence that she shouldn’t associate with members of other teams. Todd actually says “All right, you little runt.” But no ToddPunch, sadly. Liz is pissed that Sam is telling her who to dance with. Me too. Can’t he just tell her that he fancies her? How old is he, twelve? He proves my theory that men don’t mature until they’re 23. Sam asks her to dance (because he won’t allow her to dance with someone not on their team) and she says no, and goes to dance with Todd. He ignores this and MAKES her dance. Um, force much? And then KISSES HER. DUN DUN DUN.
Liz tries to get Sam off her and he won’t let her AND SHE FINDS THIS ATTRACTIVE. Then he kisses her again and instead of kneeing him in the crotch she kisses him back. Does Liz have any standards AT ALL?
Jessica is jealous that Liz is getting kissed and she isn’t. She’s getting a bit impatient waiting for the right time for things to progress with Neil. When he finishes singing karaoke and passes the mike back to Ruby Jess decides to pull some moves. Neil says that it’s really hot inside so she suggests that they go outside. She flutters her eyelashes and Neil looks a bit shocked. He tries to change the subject and Jess keeps describing how wonderful it’ll be outside, as they’ll be able to see all the stars as they’re in the middle of nowhere, and Neil is like, I’m not really a wilderness guy; I’m more of a party guy. Jess cranks the flirting up, and lays a hand on his knee and is like, I don’t think you understand, don’t you want to go for a walk with me ALONE? Neil is even more shocked and asks her what she’s doing. Jess is like, What do you THINK I’m doing? Then Neil gets it and grabs her hands and says “I thought you knew.” Jessica panics - does he have a girlfriend? But no, that’s not the issue. NEIL IS GAY. Jessica suddenly can’t breathe and inwardly panics. How could she make this mistake, after all - “she knew men.” She begins to worry that everyone else knows and thinks that she made a fool of herself. While Neil babbles on about how he was sure she knew, she runs out of the bar.
Chapter 16
Everyone loves Ruby’s singing and she wishes the cameras were here to see her. She wishes she could sing her own songs, not karaoke stuff. She also decides that college is a waste of her time and she’s going to quit as soon as she gets home.
Liz liked Sam’s kiss. It was a “magical moment.” She doesn’t want anyone to spoil it so goes back to the RV to think about the “magical moment.” Obsession much? She heads to the RV and sees Charlie running across the field towards the bar. Charlie is acting a bit suspicious. She’s also flushed and breathing funny. Liz worries that maybe Charlie and Todd are secretly up to something together, as Todd left soon after her. Liz insists of accompanying Charlie back to the bar but then spots some guy on a motorbike watching them. She goes into stranger-danger mode until Charlie’s like, It’s fine, he’s waiting for me. Liz is like, Charlie! You don’t go off with strange men who you meet in bars! Then Charlie’s like, He’s my boyfriend from back home. She explains that he’s followed them all the way from San Francisco, and stopped at every stop to spend time with her. Apparently she and Scott, her boyfriend, want to get married but her parents won’t let her. CHARLIE, YOU ARE AN ADULT. IT IS NOT UP TO YOUR PARENTS WHAT YOU DO. I don’t understand this, first Pam and Rob, then Charlie and Scott. Why do they all define their relationships on what their parents say? Is this an American thing? Over here, as soon as you hit eighteen you’re an adult; your parents might have an opinion but they can’t control you. So, anyway, her parents wanted her to go away for the summer to keep her apart from Scott. So she decided to go on the ICSN thing, which they were happy with, but Scott has been following her as they can’t stay apart. Okay, kind of sweet, but wouldn’t the fact that they stayed apart for a whole month and still wanted to get married prove that their love for each other was real to her parents, rather than proving that they couldn’t keep their hands off each other for a whole month? Oh, and isn’t Scott the name of Liz’s old boyfriend? Couldn’t the ghostie look up something original in a Baby Names book?
Neil is worried about Jessica as he can’t find her. He asks Todd for help, for some odd reason. Todd suggests that Jess and Liz are away somewhere having a girly chat, so he goes to check Liz’s RV. Neil goes to check his. There is a lump under the duvet in Jess’s bed so he figures that she’s gone to bed. Neil talks to her but she doesn’t reply nor move. He figues that she’s really angry. He apologises anyway, and asks her not to tell the others that he’s gay. He decides to go to sleep too, and tries talking some more to Jess but she won’t reply. He’s upset, and thinks that he’s lost his best friend. I think that there’s a pillow in that bed.
Liz sees Sam behind the RV chatting to Josh about someone who is so hot that she “sizzles.” Sam says that “Nobody can kiss like she does. And that’s only the beginning.” Liz is sure that they’re talking about her and goes to confront Sam, only to find out that the girl that Sam was talking about was a girl that he has waiting for him in Florida. Liz is shocked, and 1bruce1 is like, Duh! Sam’s a prick, didn’t you notice? The girl is called Angelina and from one look at the photo Liz describes her as a “gorgeous redhead in a very skimpy bikini.” Liz rushes off, upset that Sam isn’t besotted with her.
Jess isn’t in her bed. She’s tromping around Wonderlust. She’s sure that everyone else knew that Neil was gay and that they’re all laughing at her back in the bar. She finally returns, but doesn’t spot any of her friends. Despite this, she flops down in a booth and decides that they’ll come back for her. She asks the bartender to tell her when they return, and she falls asleep to have a lovely dream about her and Neil dancing in a ballroom. Aww. I actually feel a little sorry for Jess. Then she wakes up, and hears the RV driving off. But she’s not in the RV; she’s lying under a table in the bar. She goes to look at the window and sees the RV driving towards the bar. She thinks that they’re coming to get her, but the RV keeps driving past. She tries opening the door, but it’s locked. The bangs on the window at them but no one sees her. The RV drives on past, on to the highway, away from her. Jessica Wakefield has been left, stranded in Wonderlust, South Dakota. And in her place is a pillow.
I don't have the second book in the mini-series (Stranded) but I do have the third, so if someone would like to fill in the gap I'll finish the series off afterwards! The second book is pretty awesome - it involves Elvis. That's, um, all I can remember, but Jess falling in love with Elvis should be enough to tempt you...