Lila Helps The Homeless or SVT#115 Happy Mother's Day, Lila
This book has everything! Snarking, spying, fashion, and homeless women! Jessica is a sneaky bitch. Lila is a sneaky bitch. And Elizabeth is…still a bitch, but she doesn't do much in this book.
Nice jeans, Li! Any higher and they’ll be around your neck! And Jessica and Alice look creepy. Very Stepford. And on my copy of the book, there’s a crease right over Lila’s face so it looks like she’s got a mustache. And the arrow for the dressing room is pointing right at her head.
But seriously, if you want a mom so bad, Lila, you can have mine. But be warned, she’ll find something - anything - to criticize you about. But she acts like she’s doing you a favor. She is so what Charlotte from Sex & The City will be like when she’s 58. Only, worse and not Jewish.
Jessica is giving a book report on The Great Gatsby. Oh, I loved that book! Lila does too, so that practically makes us twins. Lila thinks it’s the longest book report evah and thinks back to yesterday when the Unicorns were sitting around the Fowler pool. Fowler Crest is described as being Georgian-styled so now I will forever think that Lila lives in Whitehall. Yesterday, Jess was whining about the book and Lila offered to help her with it. She gets made fun of because she read a book, but tells Jess that the moral of the story was money can’t buy you happiness. I disagree. My ex-boyfriend was rich and it made me happy. Yes, I’m shallow like that. I’m a Jess fan, what did you expect?
Lila gets caught sleeping during Jess’s report. She’s so bored! In desperation, she reads the Sixers and snarks on Liz and Amy. There’s an article that catches her eye. There’s going to be a charity fashion show to raise money for the local women’s shelter. What’s with this town always raising money? They need some middle school girls to be models. She skips over the boring stuff (like the services the shelter provides to the community and details about the show) to get to the good stuff: when and where the sign up sheets are posted. She hides the article from Jessica so she can be sure to get a spot as a model.
It’s ten days before Mother’s Day and Amy is getting her mom perfume. I was always cheap and gave my mom “gift cards” for a hugs and shit like that. Liz, of course, has to one up Amy and is all, “I don’t want to just buy her something, I want to do something!” They see Jess, staring at the fashion show sign up sheet and being all emo. Liz forgot to tell her about it and all the slots are filled. Mostly by Unicorns. She’s so sad and I feel for her because we have fashion in common. And if you got that joke, please be my best friend. Liz is all, “BFD. Help me figure out what to do for Mom.” Jess blows her off.
The Unicorns talk about the fashion show and Jess feels left out. Everyone is shocked that Lila signed up because it’s a mother-daughter fashion show. That’s discriminatory! She skimmed over that part in the article. Jess offers to take her place, but Lila lies (hee, that’s fun to say. Try it!) that her mom is coming next weekend and will be in the show with her. Seriously, Li, take my mom.
After school Jess blows Liz off again and tells her about Mrs. Fowler coming to town. Jess tells her to put aside her hatred of Lila and just be happy for her. I love when Jess sticks up for Lila, especially against Elizabeth. But Jess ends up being a total bitch in this book so I’m a little ashamed. I’m ashamed a lot for Jessica. Liz suggests that Lila is lying (hee!) just so she can be in the fashion show, but Jess thinks that Lila would never do something like that. Or would she? *Shifty eyes* Liz wants to make a poster for Alice. Okay, now, I don’t have kids nor do I think I ever will, but if I did and they made me a poster for Mother’s Day…well, actually…I think I’d love that. Parents are funny like that. Jess shits on Liz’s ideas and bounces.
Lila comes home and emos about her mother. She tries calling her, but ends up empty handed. What would Nancy Drew do? She’d probably have Hannah Gruen accompany her and end up solving a case because she’s awesome like that! Lila thinks how her friends will pity her because she doesn’t have a normal family. Please, girl, you think the Wakefields are normal? She thinks of what George, her dad, tells her: “Whiners aren’t winners.” Haha! My dad is cheesy like that too, only he used to tell me “Readers are leaders.” Whatever, George and Dad! Speaking of George, she tries to talk to him about her mother at dinner that night, but he heads off the airport to catch a flight.
Jess and Tamara are working on the silly poster. Tamara won’t shut up about the fashion show and accidently paints a yellow dress instead of flowers. Jess fires her because she sucks and Tamara tells her that a sense of humor is a quality that models need. No, the ability to starve yourself is what a model needs. That and a really big forehead. Models now look like aliens, but I love them anyway. Jess and Tamara splash water at each other and the art teacher yells at them. He makes them clean up their mess and deliver some boxes to the women’s shelter. Jess wants to hurry up because the shelter makes her depressed. Just because you ignore the problem, doesn’t mean it goes away. Jessica asks Marcella, the woman in charge of the show, if she and Alice can be alternates. Marcella agrees because she knows who runs this town.
Lila re-reads the Sixers article, entirely. Reading about the homeless women gives her an idea. She’ll hire someone from the shelter to be her mother. She wants someone more glamorous, but then her friends might recognize her. But what if the homeless woman gets a job in Sweet Valley and is recognized by her friends? She’ll just ask George to hire her. In his factory. In Mexico. Now I’m embarrassed for Lila. This is just not the book for Jess and Lila lovers. She gets a busy signal when she tries to call the shelter so she rides over in her limo. I bet the homeless appreciate seeing that. She’s told that there were two girls in earlier. We know it was Jessica and Tamara, but Lila thinks it was just Liz and Amy and she makes fun of them. She’s shown around the shelter and checks out the goods. She finds a potential in Kate. She throws money at the poor (literally) woman and they make a deal. Now I’m embarrassed for Lila and Kate.
Jessica wants to know what’s going on with Lila and her mom so she rides over just as Kate’s cab is driving up. Lila, seeing Jess, runs up to Kate and is all, “Mother!” Lila makes up some more lies about a safari, a stampede, and amnesia and slams the door in Jess’s face.
Lila has to make up another lie to the housekeeper about Mrs. Fowler’s shoddy clothes. Spinning lies is exhausting.
Jess tells Liz about meeting Mrs. Fowler and thinks that her face was familiar. *More shifty eyes*
Kate is getting a makeover, Fowler style! She’s overwhelmed with having to learn all this etiquette crap and Lila is frustrated with her for not learning fast enough. Li reminds her that she’s getting paid big bucks for doing this so she better shut up and stop slurping that cold soup! Oh Kate, I think you lost your dignity along with your appetite.
Jess is still trying to remember where she’s seen Mrs. Fowler before. She invites herself over to Fowler Crest/Whitehall for a late lunch. Kate comes down the stairs for her unveiling and she’s beautiful and elegant and Jess is in awe. Kate gets a little tripped up over the countries in Africa and Jess is suspicious. She leaves and then Kate leaves to go spend time with her young daughter. Lila is jealous of her daughter.
Jess is hiding out in the bushes, spying on Kate. She follows her on the bus. *Lots of shifty eyes!*
Later that night, Kate and Lila are practicing again at dinner and Lila is enjoying the company. Kate tells her how she became homeless; her husband got sick and died, leaving her with all the medical bills to pay. Li sees how important Kate’s daughter is to her and they have a touching moment about family and Jess ruins it by busting in on their dinner and addressing Kate by her real name. She followed Kate all day and Lila runs out, crying. Kate yells at Jessica and is all, “You’ll do anything to get Lila’s spot in the show, bitch!” Jess is embarrassed as am I. Kate tells her that she’s a shitty friend and Jess runs home.
Kate goes to comfort Lila. They make up and Lila pays her and lets her keep the clothes that she’s wearing. It’s a nice moment, sort of. She then cries herself to sleep after Kate leaves. I wish I could give Lila a hug so I hug my book instead. And Boyfriend looks at me like I’ve got two heads.
Jessica feels bad about spying on Lila. She thinks how lucky she is to have a loving family. My Diet Coke comes spewing out of my nose because I laugh so damn hard. Ned is taking a little business trip so Jess goes with her parents to drop him off at the airport. While she’s there, she sees George.
Lila is giving the silent treatment to Jessica. It kills me because I can’t choose between them! She is nervous that Jess blabbed the whole thing to the Unicorns, but no one says anything about it. And she misses Kate. Awww. Kate’s out on job interviews.
Jessica barges into Fowler Crest/Whitehall once again and apologizes to Lila. She swears she didn’t tell anyone and that she found a way to make it all up to her. Lila is skeptical.
Jess gets a call from Tamara. She’s got the flu. Oh, hi Karma! What’s up? Tamara won’t be able to be in the show so Jess can take her place!
At the fitting, Jess tells Lila that her partner will be there any minute. She brings her the clothes to wear and it’s a navy blazer and white linen pants. And George comes in, wearing the same thing! He’s going to model with her. Squeee! I hug my book again because I’m so happy for Lila and Boyfriend thinks I need some fresh air.
On the day of the show, Lila is so excited, but George is late. They can’t wait any longer so Marcella asks Lila to do the commentary and Kate shows up to cheer her on. After the show, Alice tells Lila that her dad was in a car accident. He’s in the hospital, but he’s okay. At the hospital, Lila realizes that George loves her. His flight was delayed and so he rushed to get to the fashion show when he had the accident. And it was raining so that didn’t help either. The Fowlers are happy, but George still has a concussion.
The Wakefield kids bring Alice breakfast in bed. Seriously, what the big deal? I eat in bed all the time. Just the other night, Boyfriend and I were snuggling and he found a pack of gummy bears under my pillow. He called me Claudia and I fell in love with him all over again.
But this is not about me. It’s about the Wakefields. Always the Wakefields. Alice loves her poster and stuff, but the thing she loves the most is how proud she is of what Jessica did for Lila. She is proud of what a good person Jess is. Diet Coke out of my nose. Again.
At Lila’s, she brings George breaking in bed and it’s terrible, but they eat it anyways. Isn’t that kind of unhealthy since they’re eating eggs? They decide to donate the rest of Kate’s clothes to the shelter and bring the homeless women roses. They might that. If the roses are stuffed with cash. Lila is going to take Kate yellow roses since they are her favorite. Awww.
There’s no lead in to the next book, but it’s got Jess’s name in the title so you know it’s a winner!
I think I’m going to go get that fresh air.