The Unicorn Club #16: Bon Voyage, Unicorns!
The Unicorn Club #16: Bon Voyage, Unicorns!
Welcome to The Unicorns Go Hawaiian Caribbean! Jessica, Lila, Mandy, and Kimberly basically whore out Ellen, and a lot of predictable hijinks follow.
Jessica is obviously the blond one, Ellen is the one in the back trying like hell just to be seen, Lila is standing front and center (where else would she be?), and I'm pretty sure it's Kimberly in back and Mandy on the right. I have no idea what Mandy's holding, but looks like a dorky paper hat. I'm surprised the Unicorns don't chuck her overboard for holding such an unfashionable item of clothing.
The Unicorns are waiting to board a cruise ship along with hundreds of other kids their age. God, either the crew on that ship is insane or they've stockpiled a crapload of booze below decks.
Before the end of the second page, Jessica has already started lusting after the guys boarding the ship. It's a ten day trip and only a few hundred boys are coming on the trip. What's Jess going to do for the other nine days?
I should mention here that in her next life, Jessica wants to come back as Lila Fowler. Get in line. Speaking of which, Lila is apparently wearing a lime green minidress.
Lime green?
We find out that the Unicorns pretty much bought new wardrobes for the trip. Never mind Lila; I'd like to come back as any of those spoiled rotten little girls. (Insert Melody_Powers' long rant about student loans and bills and coupon clipping here.)
Mandy is going for a retro look, including swimsuits made of girdle material and a bathing cap with sixties-style daisies on it. Jessica thinks she's "Beach Blanket Bingo with attitude." I think she's trying to be Claudia Kishi.
Jessica spent ten days shopping nonstop for a "gorgeous without trying" look and the best she came up with was deck shoes and flippy skirts.
Kimberly? "Spandex. Spandex. Spandex." Not even touching that one, except to say that the nineties have so much to answer for.
Ellen threw a bunch of shorts and t-shirts into a bag. Did you see that, Ellen? That was my opinion of you rising ever so slightly. Enjoy it.
The girls check in and are assigned two rooms. Five preteen girls sharing two rooms for ten days? Someone's going to be dead before it's over. My money's on Mandy--she may have beaten cancer, but let's see how long she lasts after she borrows Jessica's mascara without asking.
Lila decides that Jessica, Mandy, and Kimberly will room together. She'll share with Ellen, because Ellen didn't bring as much clothing as the others, leaving more closet space for Lila. The others agree in exchange for borrowing privileges. This is why Lila Fowler is Most Likely to Rule the Universe.
The girls unpack and then go to the mixer, where Mandy, Jessica, and Kimberly, and Lila immediately ditch Ellen to prowl for guys. I'm going to call those four MaJiKaL from now on, because I'm already tired of typing out all their names, and I know I'm going to refer to them at least another 137 times in this book alone.
Ellen watches her friends leave the mixer without her and realizes that she's probably going to be on her own for the entire trip while MaJiKaL chase after boys. Wow, it only took Ellen about a year to figure out that her friends are self-centered, boy-crazy bitches. I think she should get a smiley face sticker. Ellen decides she wants off the ship.
Meanwhile, MaJiKaL finally notice that Ellen is missing. Mandy (literally) drags them back to look for her, but she's gone by the time they get there. Then they look out over one of the rails and see Ellen at the ship entrance, looking at the dock.
Kimberly asks, "What is she doing down there? And why does she have her suitcase?" I double-checked; it was indeed Kimberly who asked that monumentally stupid question, not Ellen. No wonder she's trying to get off the boat: her friends are stealing her bit.
However, the ship is beginning to sail, so when she jumps ship she misses the dock. "Ellen hung there, suspended for a brief moment, her feet poised above the edge of the dock. Then, as if in slow motion, she began her downward descent." Yeah, that happened to Wile E. Coyote once, too. She shouldn't have looked down.
Ellen hits the water (perhaps the first ever self-pool-push?) and two "shirtless" crew members jump in and pull her back onto the boat. I'm not sure why it's important that they're bare chested, but the book makes a point of mentioning it. Fortunately, it doesn't feel the need to tell me if their well-toned muscles are oiled and tan, glistening in the sun as their smoldering eyes gaze searchingly into...
Sorry about that. Got distracted. Back to soggy Ellen.
She's in the infirmary when MaJiKaL show up and ask why she tried to leave the ship. Ellen tells them she was hoping they would all spend time together, but instead they blew her off. Once out of Ellen's hearing, MaJiKaL decide that the solution is to find her a boyfriend. Because it's Opposite Day and if Ellen says she wants to spend time with her friends, it means they should ditch her and try to hook her up with some random guy.
Just then, a "surfer dude" named Curtis Bowman shows up to visit Ellen. We know he's a surfer dude because he's wearing baggy shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, speaks with an annoying drawl, and moves to a "beat that nobody else could hear." Maybe he's just a very twitchy bad dresser with a speech impediment.
MaJiKaL overhear him telling Ellen that her dive was "totally parabolic." Ellen has no idea what he means, and I don't really get it, either. Her dive resembled a plane curve formed by the intersection of a right circular cone with a plane parallel to a generating straight line of the cone? Geometry and compliments just don't go together.
MaJiKaL decide that even though Curtis is interested in Ellen, is a boy, and would therefore fit neatly into their "Ellen + boyfriend = everybody happy" equation (I'm just full of math snark today!), Curtis is a dork and letting Ellen date a surfer dude would reflect badly on the Unicorns. "Sometimes they come to class and say bonehead things, and we all laugh, of course. But no respectable girl actually dates them. You don't want to start off on the wrong foot, do you?" Kimberly adds, "We've got to nip this in the bud." I take it back; Kimberly isn't Ellen, she's Barney Fife. The girls agree to search the ship for the perfect guy for Ellen.
Hands up, anyone who sees what's coming. Yup. Me too.
While shopping, Lila almost immediately meets Jared, a rich, snobby guy. Do you get it yet? He's from San Francisco and buying perfume, which makes me think Jared is a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I'm saying? Lila feels otherwise, though, as she shoehorns Ellen into the conversation--referring to her as one of "the California Ritemans." I wish she were one of the California Raisins instead.
Jessica, meanwhile, has (literally) run into a super-flirty guy who loves California and Jessica's name. How about now? Do you get it now? His name is Sam, by the way, because the Sweet Valley Name Generator keeps getting stuck. Jessica invites him to have dinner with her and her friends so he can meet Ellen.
While the hunt continues elsewhere, Ellen is being told off by the captain. He's kind of a jerk, considering he's yelling at a girl who's already miserable. "'Have fun. And that's an order!' he barked." This is not a person who should be in charge of a cruise ship full of kids. He's a miserable little man who wants to make everyone else miserable, too.
At dinner, MaJiKaL all reveal they each found the perfect guy for Ellen and invited them to dinner. Each argues that their guy is Ellen's Mr. Right. By the end of the meal, Ellen actually catches on to what they're doing, which is really saying something. MaJiKaL must have been even more obvious in their scheming than usual. I'm picturing the girls jumping up and down and yelling, "Date Ellen! Date Ellen!"
When Ellen's left alone with Mandy and Kimberly's picks (Jack and Peter), she stares at them until they feel awkward and run away. Ellen's just a touch creepy. She tries the food and hates it--apparently it's fancy stuff like fish and some weird-tasting puree. For twelve-year-olds? What's wrong with hot dogs and chips? Most preteens I know would prefer hamburgers to caviar. Hell, I'd prefer hamburgers to caviar.
Shortly after, Curtis sits down with her and they talk about how much they both love junk food. Soon, they're out on the dance floor, doing wacky dance moves and acting like, well, kids. MaJiKaL, of course, are appalled by Ellen's blatant attempt to enjoy herself.
Jared notices Ellen's weird dancing and asks Lila about it, and she tells him that Ellen has the Royal Riteman family tic. She explains that Ellen is descended from the Royal Family of Sabolaslavichnia (not Santa Dora?) and that because of the noble families' constant intermarrying, everyone from that family has the Royal Riteman tic. Apparently "you can't even get a restaurant reservation without it." Jared is super impressed that his potential girlfriend is inbred to the point of neurological abnormalities.
MaJiKaL quickly grab Ellen, drag her to her cabin, and practically order her to stay away from Curtis. "Don't sell yourself short now. You've got something going for you that no one in this school on this ship has." I feel I should point out that Ellen is president of the Unicorns. Janet Howell would be standing on a pile of dead tween bodies right now if they'd tried that shit on her.
The discussion is quickly sidetracked as MaJiKaL argue about which of their guys is right for Ellen. Again. I think we should all take a drink every time two or more of MaJiKaL argue about pairing Ellen up. Finally, Lila kicks the others out and starts coaching Ellen on how to act like genetically defective royalty.
The next day, Lila plays "My Fair Lady" with Ellen as they sightsee with Jared. This includes dressing her in Lila's clothes, telling her to twitch regularly, and jabbing her in the ribs or stomping on her toes every time she messes up. Jared never seems suspicious, even when Ellen says her favorite warm-weather island is Iceland.
Later that day, it's Jessica's turn to act out on that poor girl as if she were her Barbie doll. She loans Ellen a retro cheerleader-style outfit and tells her to act happy. When Ellen brings up Jared, Jessica dismisses him and says "I don't think he's going to be there for you in the long run." She makes it sound like she expects Jared to knock Ellen up.
That night, Ellen is dancing with Sam at a disco. She's clapping and laughing and grinning and generally acting like she's on ecstasy. She runs into Jared and Lila during her happy act, and you can almost hear the grinding as she abruptly changes gears to play the eccentric (inbred) rich girl. She tops it off with a massive tic, splattering some of her punch on Jared. He's so impressed, he asks her to dance.
Sam notices them together and asks Jessica if Ellen is interested in Jared. Jessica says no, tells him he should cut in, and shoves him toward her so hard he slams into Ellen from behind. He cuts in, but she forgets to drop the aloof (inbred) snob act. He walks away, offended, back to Jessica. He tells her about Ellen's cold shoulder, and Jessica immediately goes and yells at her for hurting Sam's feelings as well as for getting punch on her skirt. "Oh, no. You don't understand; this is an Alaia." She orders Ellen back to her cabin with no dessert and tells Sam she just wasn't feeling well.
Meanwhile, Lila approaches Mandy and Jack, who is wearing black jeans, a black sweatshirt, and a black bandanna on his head. Hey, have any of the Sweet Valley books done a story about ninjas? Because that would be so cool.
Mandy and Lila start arguing over which guy is better for Ellen, and soon Jessica has joined in. Take a drink.
Okay, we're over halfway through the book and only two of the guys even have personalities. All we know about Jack is that he dresses like Rambo in mourning, and Peter showed up for about two paragraphs before disappearing. For all we know, Ninja Jack sliced him in half with a katana and dumped his corpse in the ocean.
Ellen's in her cabin, washing her face, when Curtis knocks on the door to offer her some junk food. They flirt for about half a minute before MaJiKaL arrive and chase him off. Ellen (rightfully) tells them off for being rude to Curtis, but they lay on a guilt trip about how they're just looking out for her best interests. Ellen buys it because she's Ellen. Seriously, Janet would have thrown these bitches overboard for their insolence.
Then next morning, while Lila and Jessica are at breakfast, Mandy shows up at Ellen's cabin with a tie-dyed dress and tells her she's going to meet Jack. Apparently Jack is a very sensitive guy who writes poetry. So he's an emo ninja. Mandy has decided that Jack and Ellen are perfect for each other--which is why she told Jack that Ellen makes clothes, works with stained glass, does modern dance, and writes poetry. Then she hands her a tube of black lipstick. Hey, if Ellen goes goth, she and Enid can be friends in high school!
At breakfast, Jessica, Kimberly, and Lila are shocked to see Ellen with Mandy and Emo Ninja Jack. Kimberly goes in search of Peter, who we finally learn is a health nut. Lila and Jessica argue about which of their guys is better for Ellen. Take a drink.
Ellen and Peter play tennis, but she throws the game because she's bored. Afterward, he tells her his dad is a former Olympic silver medalist who got his Ph.D. in history and now teaches at UCLA. In practically the same breath, he adds that he likes history, but also math and science. No love for English? He asks Ellen what her favorite subject is. When it takes her more than two seconds to reply, he says she must like every subject and tells her it's great that she's so studious and well-rounded. Still not waiting for a response, he starts going on about how important balance is. You know what else is important, Peter? Breathing. Give Ellen a chance to talk before you pass out, 'kay?
MaJiKaL argue for about three pages straight about their guys. Take a drink.
Ellen is bored out of her mind while Peter drones on about Greek civilization, but then she notices all of the jealous looks she's getting from other girls. And a monster is created as Ellen decides she likes feeling envied. I picture her laughing maniacally, drunk with power, as ominous organ music plays in the background.
She returns to the cabin to learn that Jared has invited her to dinner in the VIP club the following night. While Lila picks out Ellen's outfit, a steward comes in with four flower arrangements for her--one from each guy, each with a note asking her out on a date. As she looks at the flowers, Ellen smiles and begins humming. When MaJiKaL ask her which boy she's going to choose, she replies, "All of them." Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
As Ellen goes gallery-hopping with Emo Ninja Jack the next day, she realizes that she's learned the secret to "hooking guys." Better than the secret to hooking, period. Anyway, the secret is to say little and mimic everything he does. And, anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good. Also, sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds guys of you naked, and then they think of sex. As they walk down a street, Curtis slams into her. Guys seem to crash into her an awful lot. Maybe she's generating some kind of magnetic field. Ellen blows him off with "Hello? Don't the slackers prefer that grassy knoll over there?"and drags Jack away.
MaJiKaL are bored and tired of each other's company. Mandy is particularly miserable, because everywhere they go they see Ellen and Jack together. Ultimately she bursts into tears and runs away, and JiKaL wonder why she's so upset. Gee, I can't imagine. Maybe she's having flashbacks to her traumatic cancer week. Or maybe she's tired of being a poorly-constructed secondary character in a young adult series. Or maybe she's majorly, totally, butt-crazy in love with Josh Jack!
Emo Ninja Jack walks Ellen to her cabin and kisses her, but then is dismissed so Ellen can get ready for a date with Sam. Meanwhile, Jessica is starting to feel less enthusiastic as well. Hmm, I'm starting to suspect a trend here. If only there had been some way of predicting that something like this would happen!
Ellen and Sam are dolphin watching. I bet Todd the Whale Fan wishes he could go, too. They exchange "wows" over their soup, and Ellen basks in some more other-girl-envy. I'm going to pretend she also suppresses a cackle. Evil Ellen just sounds fun.
Lila is in her cabin, bored enough to file her own nails, when Ellen runs in to change for her jogging date with Peter. Later, Kimberly just about spontaneously combusts as she overhears Peter complimenting Ellen on her form and technique. In other words, all is not well in MaJiKaL world.
That afternoon, Ellen wakes up from a dream about Curtis rescuing her from a tidal wave on a big white surfboard and realizes she's been sleeping through a lecture by Captain Jackson on the history of shipbuilding. Apparently there are about fifteen kids there, aside from Peter and Ellen. On a cruise for pre-teens, I'm amazed there were even that many.
Back in one of the cabins, MaJiKaL are feeling sorry for themselves until Lila points out that it's only a matter of time before Ellen gets tired of dating four guys and picks one. Lila has already given herself an advantage by sawing through the heels Ellen is going to wear to the VIP dinner with Jared. Remind me never to piss off Lila Fowler.
MaJiKaL go to (another) disco, but the guys all either ignore them or ask them where Ellen is. Tai Ellen being the most popular girl in school on the ship? It was like some sort of alternate universe! The girls give up and leave. I don't know about Mandy and Kimberly, but Miss Lila Fowler and Sociopathic Jess would never admit defeat that easily. Maybe their powers lose effectiveness when they're not in Sweet Valley. It's like Superman and the sun, or Captain Planet and those crappy rings.
Meanwhile, at the VIP dinner, Ellen collapses onto the table and overturns it as her shoe's heels break. She feigns unconsciousness to avoid embarrassment and is taken out on a gurney. Jared goes to tell MaJiKaL that she fainted, commenting that she's fragile, "like fine porcelain." No, Jared. If she were porcelain she would have simply broken into pieces rather than knock over a table big enough to seat at least ten people. Ellen's more like lead. Big, heavy, clumsy lead.
In the infirmary (again), Ellen gets four flower arrangements from the four guys (again). MaJiKaL come in to apologize, and reassure her that she doesn't have to keep dating all four guys. I guess it's still opposite day, because Ellen decides that means she has to keep dating all four guys.
The book ends there, to be concluded in #17, Boyfriends for Everyone. I'll be recapping it soon, I promise! Hope the cliffhanger isn't too suspenseful for you all.
Welcome to The Unicorns Go Hawaiian Caribbean! Jessica, Lila, Mandy, and Kimberly basically whore out Ellen, and a lot of predictable hijinks follow.
Jessica is obviously the blond one, Ellen is the one in the back trying like hell just to be seen, Lila is standing front and center (where else would she be?), and I'm pretty sure it's Kimberly in back and Mandy on the right. I have no idea what Mandy's holding, but looks like a dorky paper hat. I'm surprised the Unicorns don't chuck her overboard for holding such an unfashionable item of clothing.
The Unicorns are waiting to board a cruise ship along with hundreds of other kids their age. God, either the crew on that ship is insane or they've stockpiled a crapload of booze below decks.
Before the end of the second page, Jessica has already started lusting after the guys boarding the ship. It's a ten day trip and only a few hundred boys are coming on the trip. What's Jess going to do for the other nine days?
I should mention here that in her next life, Jessica wants to come back as Lila Fowler. Get in line. Speaking of which, Lila is apparently wearing a lime green minidress.
Lime green?
We find out that the Unicorns pretty much bought new wardrobes for the trip. Never mind Lila; I'd like to come back as any of those spoiled rotten little girls. (Insert Melody_Powers' long rant about student loans and bills and coupon clipping here.)
Mandy is going for a retro look, including swimsuits made of girdle material and a bathing cap with sixties-style daisies on it. Jessica thinks she's "Beach Blanket Bingo with attitude." I think she's trying to be Claudia Kishi.
Jessica spent ten days shopping nonstop for a "gorgeous without trying" look and the best she came up with was deck shoes and flippy skirts.
Kimberly? "Spandex. Spandex. Spandex." Not even touching that one, except to say that the nineties have so much to answer for.
Ellen threw a bunch of shorts and t-shirts into a bag. Did you see that, Ellen? That was my opinion of you rising ever so slightly. Enjoy it.
The girls check in and are assigned two rooms. Five preteen girls sharing two rooms for ten days? Someone's going to be dead before it's over. My money's on Mandy--she may have beaten cancer, but let's see how long she lasts after she borrows Jessica's mascara without asking.
Lila decides that Jessica, Mandy, and Kimberly will room together. She'll share with Ellen, because Ellen didn't bring as much clothing as the others, leaving more closet space for Lila. The others agree in exchange for borrowing privileges. This is why Lila Fowler is Most Likely to Rule the Universe.
The girls unpack and then go to the mixer, where Mandy, Jessica, and Kimberly, and Lila immediately ditch Ellen to prowl for guys. I'm going to call those four MaJiKaL from now on, because I'm already tired of typing out all their names, and I know I'm going to refer to them at least another 137 times in this book alone.
Ellen watches her friends leave the mixer without her and realizes that she's probably going to be on her own for the entire trip while MaJiKaL chase after boys. Wow, it only took Ellen about a year to figure out that her friends are self-centered, boy-crazy bitches. I think she should get a smiley face sticker. Ellen decides she wants off the ship.
Meanwhile, MaJiKaL finally notice that Ellen is missing. Mandy (literally) drags them back to look for her, but she's gone by the time they get there. Then they look out over one of the rails and see Ellen at the ship entrance, looking at the dock.
Kimberly asks, "What is she doing down there? And why does she have her suitcase?" I double-checked; it was indeed Kimberly who asked that monumentally stupid question, not Ellen. No wonder she's trying to get off the boat: her friends are stealing her bit.
However, the ship is beginning to sail, so when she jumps ship she misses the dock. "Ellen hung there, suspended for a brief moment, her feet poised above the edge of the dock. Then, as if in slow motion, she began her downward descent." Yeah, that happened to Wile E. Coyote once, too. She shouldn't have looked down.
Ellen hits the water (perhaps the first ever self-pool-push?) and two "shirtless" crew members jump in and pull her back onto the boat. I'm not sure why it's important that they're bare chested, but the book makes a point of mentioning it. Fortunately, it doesn't feel the need to tell me if their well-toned muscles are oiled and tan, glistening in the sun as their smoldering eyes gaze searchingly into...
Sorry about that. Got distracted. Back to soggy Ellen.
She's in the infirmary when MaJiKaL show up and ask why she tried to leave the ship. Ellen tells them she was hoping they would all spend time together, but instead they blew her off. Once out of Ellen's hearing, MaJiKaL decide that the solution is to find her a boyfriend. Because it's Opposite Day and if Ellen says she wants to spend time with her friends, it means they should ditch her and try to hook her up with some random guy.
Just then, a "surfer dude" named Curtis Bowman shows up to visit Ellen. We know he's a surfer dude because he's wearing baggy shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, speaks with an annoying drawl, and moves to a "beat that nobody else could hear." Maybe he's just a very twitchy bad dresser with a speech impediment.
MaJiKaL overhear him telling Ellen that her dive was "totally parabolic." Ellen has no idea what he means, and I don't really get it, either. Her dive resembled a plane curve formed by the intersection of a right circular cone with a plane parallel to a generating straight line of the cone? Geometry and compliments just don't go together.
MaJiKaL decide that even though Curtis is interested in Ellen, is a boy, and would therefore fit neatly into their "Ellen + boyfriend = everybody happy" equation (I'm just full of math snark today!), Curtis is a dork and letting Ellen date a surfer dude would reflect badly on the Unicorns. "Sometimes they come to class and say bonehead things, and we all laugh, of course. But no respectable girl actually dates them. You don't want to start off on the wrong foot, do you?" Kimberly adds, "We've got to nip this in the bud." I take it back; Kimberly isn't Ellen, she's Barney Fife. The girls agree to search the ship for the perfect guy for Ellen.
Hands up, anyone who sees what's coming. Yup. Me too.
While shopping, Lila almost immediately meets Jared, a rich, snobby guy. Do you get it yet? He's from San Francisco and buying perfume, which makes me think Jared is a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I'm saying? Lila feels otherwise, though, as she shoehorns Ellen into the conversation--referring to her as one of "the California Ritemans." I wish she were one of the California Raisins instead.
Jessica, meanwhile, has (literally) run into a super-flirty guy who loves California and Jessica's name. How about now? Do you get it now? His name is Sam, by the way, because the Sweet Valley Name Generator keeps getting stuck. Jessica invites him to have dinner with her and her friends so he can meet Ellen.
While the hunt continues elsewhere, Ellen is being told off by the captain. He's kind of a jerk, considering he's yelling at a girl who's already miserable. "'Have fun. And that's an order!' he barked." This is not a person who should be in charge of a cruise ship full of kids. He's a miserable little man who wants to make everyone else miserable, too.
At dinner, MaJiKaL all reveal they each found the perfect guy for Ellen and invited them to dinner. Each argues that their guy is Ellen's Mr. Right. By the end of the meal, Ellen actually catches on to what they're doing, which is really saying something. MaJiKaL must have been even more obvious in their scheming than usual. I'm picturing the girls jumping up and down and yelling, "Date Ellen! Date Ellen!"
When Ellen's left alone with Mandy and Kimberly's picks (Jack and Peter), she stares at them until they feel awkward and run away. Ellen's just a touch creepy. She tries the food and hates it--apparently it's fancy stuff like fish and some weird-tasting puree. For twelve-year-olds? What's wrong with hot dogs and chips? Most preteens I know would prefer hamburgers to caviar. Hell, I'd prefer hamburgers to caviar.
Shortly after, Curtis sits down with her and they talk about how much they both love junk food. Soon, they're out on the dance floor, doing wacky dance moves and acting like, well, kids. MaJiKaL, of course, are appalled by Ellen's blatant attempt to enjoy herself.
Jared notices Ellen's weird dancing and asks Lila about it, and she tells him that Ellen has the Royal Riteman family tic. She explains that Ellen is descended from the Royal Family of Sabolaslavichnia (not Santa Dora?) and that because of the noble families' constant intermarrying, everyone from that family has the Royal Riteman tic. Apparently "you can't even get a restaurant reservation without it." Jared is super impressed that his potential girlfriend is inbred to the point of neurological abnormalities.
MaJiKaL quickly grab Ellen, drag her to her cabin, and practically order her to stay away from Curtis. "Don't sell yourself short now. You've got something going for you that no one in this school on this ship has." I feel I should point out that Ellen is president of the Unicorns. Janet Howell would be standing on a pile of dead tween bodies right now if they'd tried that shit on her.
The discussion is quickly sidetracked as MaJiKaL argue about which of their guys is right for Ellen. Again. I think we should all take a drink every time two or more of MaJiKaL argue about pairing Ellen up. Finally, Lila kicks the others out and starts coaching Ellen on how to act like genetically defective royalty.
The next day, Lila plays "My Fair Lady" with Ellen as they sightsee with Jared. This includes dressing her in Lila's clothes, telling her to twitch regularly, and jabbing her in the ribs or stomping on her toes every time she messes up. Jared never seems suspicious, even when Ellen says her favorite warm-weather island is Iceland.
Later that day, it's Jessica's turn to act out on that poor girl as if she were her Barbie doll. She loans Ellen a retro cheerleader-style outfit and tells her to act happy. When Ellen brings up Jared, Jessica dismisses him and says "I don't think he's going to be there for you in the long run." She makes it sound like she expects Jared to knock Ellen up.
That night, Ellen is dancing with Sam at a disco. She's clapping and laughing and grinning and generally acting like she's on ecstasy. She runs into Jared and Lila during her happy act, and you can almost hear the grinding as she abruptly changes gears to play the eccentric (inbred) rich girl. She tops it off with a massive tic, splattering some of her punch on Jared. He's so impressed, he asks her to dance.
Sam notices them together and asks Jessica if Ellen is interested in Jared. Jessica says no, tells him he should cut in, and shoves him toward her so hard he slams into Ellen from behind. He cuts in, but she forgets to drop the aloof (inbred) snob act. He walks away, offended, back to Jessica. He tells her about Ellen's cold shoulder, and Jessica immediately goes and yells at her for hurting Sam's feelings as well as for getting punch on her skirt. "Oh, no. You don't understand; this is an Alaia." She orders Ellen back to her cabin with no dessert and tells Sam she just wasn't feeling well.
Meanwhile, Lila approaches Mandy and Jack, who is wearing black jeans, a black sweatshirt, and a black bandanna on his head. Hey, have any of the Sweet Valley books done a story about ninjas? Because that would be so cool.
Mandy and Lila start arguing over which guy is better for Ellen, and soon Jessica has joined in. Take a drink.
Okay, we're over halfway through the book and only two of the guys even have personalities. All we know about Jack is that he dresses like Rambo in mourning, and Peter showed up for about two paragraphs before disappearing. For all we know, Ninja Jack sliced him in half with a katana and dumped his corpse in the ocean.
Ellen's in her cabin, washing her face, when Curtis knocks on the door to offer her some junk food. They flirt for about half a minute before MaJiKaL arrive and chase him off. Ellen (rightfully) tells them off for being rude to Curtis, but they lay on a guilt trip about how they're just looking out for her best interests. Ellen buys it because she's Ellen. Seriously, Janet would have thrown these bitches overboard for their insolence.
Then next morning, while Lila and Jessica are at breakfast, Mandy shows up at Ellen's cabin with a tie-dyed dress and tells her she's going to meet Jack. Apparently Jack is a very sensitive guy who writes poetry. So he's an emo ninja. Mandy has decided that Jack and Ellen are perfect for each other--which is why she told Jack that Ellen makes clothes, works with stained glass, does modern dance, and writes poetry. Then she hands her a tube of black lipstick. Hey, if Ellen goes goth, she and Enid can be friends in high school!
At breakfast, Jessica, Kimberly, and Lila are shocked to see Ellen with Mandy and Emo Ninja Jack. Kimberly goes in search of Peter, who we finally learn is a health nut. Lila and Jessica argue about which of their guys is better for Ellen. Take a drink.
Ellen and Peter play tennis, but she throws the game because she's bored. Afterward, he tells her his dad is a former Olympic silver medalist who got his Ph.D. in history and now teaches at UCLA. In practically the same breath, he adds that he likes history, but also math and science. No love for English? He asks Ellen what her favorite subject is. When it takes her more than two seconds to reply, he says she must like every subject and tells her it's great that she's so studious and well-rounded. Still not waiting for a response, he starts going on about how important balance is. You know what else is important, Peter? Breathing. Give Ellen a chance to talk before you pass out, 'kay?
MaJiKaL argue for about three pages straight about their guys. Take a drink.
Ellen is bored out of her mind while Peter drones on about Greek civilization, but then she notices all of the jealous looks she's getting from other girls. And a monster is created as Ellen decides she likes feeling envied. I picture her laughing maniacally, drunk with power, as ominous organ music plays in the background.
She returns to the cabin to learn that Jared has invited her to dinner in the VIP club the following night. While Lila picks out Ellen's outfit, a steward comes in with four flower arrangements for her--one from each guy, each with a note asking her out on a date. As she looks at the flowers, Ellen smiles and begins humming. When MaJiKaL ask her which boy she's going to choose, she replies, "All of them." Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
As Ellen goes gallery-hopping with Emo Ninja Jack the next day, she realizes that she's learned the secret to "hooking guys." Better than the secret to hooking, period. Anyway, the secret is to say little and mimic everything he does. And, anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good. Also, sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds guys of you naked, and then they think of sex. As they walk down a street, Curtis slams into her. Guys seem to crash into her an awful lot. Maybe she's generating some kind of magnetic field. Ellen blows him off with "Hello? Don't the slackers prefer that grassy knoll over there?"and drags Jack away.
MaJiKaL are bored and tired of each other's company. Mandy is particularly miserable, because everywhere they go they see Ellen and Jack together. Ultimately she bursts into tears and runs away, and JiKaL wonder why she's so upset. Gee, I can't imagine. Maybe she's having flashbacks to her traumatic cancer week. Or maybe she's tired of being a poorly-constructed secondary character in a young adult series. Or maybe she's majorly, totally, butt-crazy in love with Josh Jack!
Emo Ninja Jack walks Ellen to her cabin and kisses her, but then is dismissed so Ellen can get ready for a date with Sam. Meanwhile, Jessica is starting to feel less enthusiastic as well. Hmm, I'm starting to suspect a trend here. If only there had been some way of predicting that something like this would happen!
Ellen and Sam are dolphin watching. I bet Todd the Whale Fan wishes he could go, too. They exchange "wows" over their soup, and Ellen basks in some more other-girl-envy. I'm going to pretend she also suppresses a cackle. Evil Ellen just sounds fun.
Lila is in her cabin, bored enough to file her own nails, when Ellen runs in to change for her jogging date with Peter. Later, Kimberly just about spontaneously combusts as she overhears Peter complimenting Ellen on her form and technique. In other words, all is not well in MaJiKaL world.
That afternoon, Ellen wakes up from a dream about Curtis rescuing her from a tidal wave on a big white surfboard and realizes she's been sleeping through a lecture by Captain Jackson on the history of shipbuilding. Apparently there are about fifteen kids there, aside from Peter and Ellen. On a cruise for pre-teens, I'm amazed there were even that many.
Back in one of the cabins, MaJiKaL are feeling sorry for themselves until Lila points out that it's only a matter of time before Ellen gets tired of dating four guys and picks one. Lila has already given herself an advantage by sawing through the heels Ellen is going to wear to the VIP dinner with Jared. Remind me never to piss off Lila Fowler.
MaJiKaL go to (another) disco, but the guys all either ignore them or ask them where Ellen is. Tai Ellen being the most popular girl in school on the ship? It was like some sort of alternate universe! The girls give up and leave. I don't know about Mandy and Kimberly, but Miss Lila Fowler and Sociopathic Jess would never admit defeat that easily. Maybe their powers lose effectiveness when they're not in Sweet Valley. It's like Superman and the sun, or Captain Planet and those crappy rings.
Meanwhile, at the VIP dinner, Ellen collapses onto the table and overturns it as her shoe's heels break. She feigns unconsciousness to avoid embarrassment and is taken out on a gurney. Jared goes to tell MaJiKaL that she fainted, commenting that she's fragile, "like fine porcelain." No, Jared. If she were porcelain she would have simply broken into pieces rather than knock over a table big enough to seat at least ten people. Ellen's more like lead. Big, heavy, clumsy lead.
In the infirmary (again), Ellen gets four flower arrangements from the four guys (again). MaJiKaL come in to apologize, and reassure her that she doesn't have to keep dating all four guys. I guess it's still opposite day, because Ellen decides that means she has to keep dating all four guys.
The book ends there, to be concluded in #17, Boyfriends for Everyone. I'll be recapping it soon, I promise! Hope the cliffhanger isn't too suspenseful for you all.