OK guys this is my first recap, hope you all enjoy it.
On the cover we have Liz and Jess looking like that they"ve just come..... all the way to France that is. Jess appears to be so enraptured, she's about to do an impromptu strip tease and Liz is looking at that guide book like its the most awesome thing she's ever seen. She must've written it herself. You know - with her supermadwritingskillz.
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We open with the twins sitting on a plane waiting for take off. Liz is waving madly from the window at mama and papa Wakefield, and Jess tells her to stop being a fucking idiot, Mama and Papa can't even see her. Well maybe she didn't use those words exactly, but she should have. I would've.
Onto page three where we get our beloved blonde-hair-blue-eyes-perfect-size-six-same-but-different descriptions. Liz craps on how great it was of Ms. Dalton to organize this exchange program for spring break. And how great its going to be to have two weeks to practice their french. Really Liz? That's the best you can come up with? I mean you're supposed to be so bloody cultured and deep, you're going to one of the most romantically artistic countries in the world and your most excited about something that, really, you could do at home? Jess doesn't disapoint though she's all, F that, I'm finding me some fine french man candy (Jeffy?) and while I'm at it i'd better find some for you before you turn into a withered old hag.
They then proceed to giggle and make bitchy comments about the old fat dude ( you just know this guy is on his way home. He couldn't possibly be from Sweet Valley. I mean....he's fat! ) sitting next to them. Bitches. Finally the god damn plane takes off and its about time too, because they've been sitting out on the tarmac for six pages now. Oh we also find out here that apparently Jess is afraid of Flying. Don't know why I found that odd but I did.
While en-route to Nice, France Liz pulls out a letter and picture from their host family. She thinks the son Rene is hot as she wonders about how Avery Glize, the mother, has mentioned that there is no Mr Glize. Hmm a little subtle foreshadowing perhaps ghost writers? Anyhoo she moons over it until Jess looks over and is all WTF whats so interesting about the damn letter. She see's that Liz is actually looking at a pic of the family and instantly decides that the Rene is Liz's soul mate and they'll fall in love and have 137 babies. Sweet. One prob solved. Now she just needs fine french man candy for herself.
Liz says she's not ready for another serious relationship after so soon after Toddy moved to Vermont. Jess says whatevs - Todd moved away ages ago, and hello? They're only gonna be in the country for a couple of weeks, how serious a relationship could she really have with the dude anyhow, so why not have fun. I'm actually kind've liking Jess here. She's having one of her rare insightful moments. It can't last. She then goes on to say if Steven can find love again with Cara after poor dead Tricia died why cant Liz? This causes Liz to go on a half page rant about Poor dead Tricia's many virtues. Seems like an odd time for Poor Dead Tricia to be brought up. Unless......
GHOSTWRITERS!!!!! *shakes fist*
I smell more foreshadowing.
We get a stupid scene at Kennedy International Airport where the twins have to run to make their connecting flight because Jess was let loose in the duty-free shop. It's tripe.
They finally get to France and Liz creams over having her first conversation in french, with the man at customs. Ummm, okay, so wat were you guys doing in french class? Perhaps the rumors about Ken and Nora weren't so far fetched! She worries they won't recognize the Glizes. Jess in her typical modest manner says no probs - how many pairs of gorgeous blonde twins are wandering around. Lovely.
Avery comes up and attacks them with kisses "European style" ( make of that one what you want people - I'm not touching it! ) Liz thinks that Rene is more handsome than his pic but the guy acts like a turd. I mean this dude is seriously rude as hosts go. He refuses to say hi, pulls his hand back "as if he were stung" when Liz tries to shake it and just generally acts like Karen Brewer on a bad day.
On the drive home Avery points out some of the sights to the girls, and they squee with excitement when they see the Mediterranean but i probably would to so I'll leave that alone. Jess asks why Avery's english is so good, and is told that She once lived in the states. Rene and the twins get into an argument and he makes it clear that he hates all Americans and doesn't want them there. Liz is mortified at the thought that anyone might not be totes in love with the good ol' USof A . She promptly screws on her halo and vows to get to the bottom of this mystery, and help the douche bag get over his iss-ews.
Avery kind of tells him off in french and Saint Liz eavesdrops something about his English ( which is super awesome BTW ) being a gift from his father. I don't know about you Liz but I figured out the great mystery already.
Jet lag hits like a big purple van and they sleep until the evening. Jess wakes up alone in the room, walks out to the balcony and bitches at Liz for not waking her up. Liz is all - WTF I just got up too. Apparently the Glizes hospitality needs a little work coz there's nobody home. I mean really, two sixteen year old girls, on their first night in a foreign country - it just seems a little rude. Jess thinks this is great though and decides to snoop around. She goes into Rene's, room looks at his photos and start screaming for Liz. Liz runs in to save the day and Jess shows her the pic. OH NOES!!!!!! Rene's sister Ferney is the image of Tricia Martin and she's on her way to Casa Wakefield at this very moment!!! What will big brother do?( Apparently nothing, from now on, if you live in Australia. - RIP Mikey G - we'll miss you most of all!)
Back at Casa Wakefeild Steven is making an ass out of himself over Ferney, going on and on about how much like Tricia she is. Her personality he means. Even though she doesn't speak a word of English. Um OK. And you Know this how Steven? That's pretty much what the whole B-plot is about. Steven Breaking dates with Cara in favour of having his nose surgically inserted into Ferney's ass. Which the little tramp seems to love from all the "flirty"s and "bubbly"s the ghostwriter keeps flinging around. Its real exiting stuff guys. Which is why I'm going to ignore most of it. Eventually he realizes waht a dick he's been and stupid Cara forgives him blah blah blah whatever.
The next morning in France, the twins once again find themselves alone. Apparently this time Avery tried to make Rene show them around town, but Jess hears him leave on his groovy little moped. yes that's right , i said moped ( you know - because he's french ). So the twins decide to go for a jog but Jess can't really be arsed so she turns back after, like, 5 minutes. On the way back to the Glize's she meets a rich dude. He's not good looking but she thinks perhaps he can introduce her to guys that ARE both rich and handsome. Ahhh there's the Jess we love to hate! The guys name is Marc with a C (- you know because he's french.) Not because its the whole psychedelic-mind-trip-thing (sorry couldn't resist an Empire Records reference) He asks Jess to go with him to the fancy-schmancy private beach where his family are members. She goes and is totally shocked to see that most the women don't wear bikini tops. I am even more shocked when she removes hers! I mean, I know she's the trampy twin, but she's still a Wakefield for crying out loud!
Meanwhile Liz spends the day moping around the house. That night she eavesdrops on yet another Mother-Son conversation. Avery tells Rene what a spoiled brat he was for leaving their guests alone all day. He responds with "Like He left us". Liz just about has a coniption trying to figure out who "He" is and my head hits the keyboard in despair. The tequila's coming out early today folks. I'm gonna need it if I'm gonna get through this.
the next day Jess has disapeared to the beach club with Marc with a C (you know - because he's french). Rene has been guilted into giving Liz a tour of the town. She mentions that she wants to go to the beach and he gets all sad and broody and says that he doesn't go to the beach anymore. Liz gets all huffy and angst's over why he's so cold to her. Then like a bolt of lightning, It hits her. OMG Rene's father must have been American.
Come on everyone, lets give Liz a round of applause. Yay Liz!! It only took you five and a half chapters to figure out wat we knew on Rene's first appearance...... freakin' moron.
So he takes her to a cafe where his friends are waiting. His friends are nice to her but every time one starts talking to her Rene cuts them off by talking in loud fast french, and when Liz tries to join in he makes fun of her crappy French accent. While Rene is in the bathroom his friends hit on her a little and she finds out she was right about his American Dad (FRANCINE!!!). They all go lunch and Rene makes fun of her again. This time he's actually kind of funny though -"Waiter, oh waiter, some ketchup please - we have an American here." and so on and so forth. i kind of like this guy you know....
That afternoon Jess is still at the beach with Marc with a C, so Liz takes her journal for a walk. As you do. She finds a pretty olive orchard and decides to sit under a tree and write. Guess they don't mind trespassers in France. She makes an entry then lays down on the grass and goes to sleep. As you do. She's awoken by some thing wet trailing across her face, and she open her eyes and see's a cute German shepheard puppy wanting to play. Now if this were real life it wouldn't have been a puppy. It would have been a guard dog attacking her for trying to make off with his precious olives. And Liz would be minus one perfect tanned face.
Saint Liz see's that the puppy has a collar (obviously not a stray) and is therefore worthy of her divine intervention. She resolves to search the neighborhood for his house when some kids run up who obviously know the dog (they're calling it by name). Liz asks if they Know where it lives and the kids laugh at her crappy french too, before pointing out a mansion down the road.
She takes the dog home and meets the ancient lady who owns him, the Countess de Willenich, who invites her in and plies her with red wine. OMG My head is spinning! First Jess gets her jugs out in public, and now LIZ is partaking in under-age drinking. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???
That night at dinner Liz is crapping on about how great her new friend is ( um...Liz?....She's like eighty.) and Jess tells her all about the exclusive beach club she's been hanging out at. Privately though she's thinking how boring that place is coz the only people she's met so far are Marc with a C's parents and their friends. Now i have to pause for a minute here and wonder - when she's meeting all these old dignified rich people, is she still running around topless? food for thought. Rene makes a rude comment to her, probably expecting her to bend over and take it like Liz does. Jess immediately gets her bitch on though, and snipes back at him.
The next day Liz's nanna friend has invited her around again, but its pretty much just so she can set Liz up with her great nephew (who speaks no English). Before i mention his name will somebody please pass the salt and a lemon wedge. I need a slammer. The guys name is Jean-Claude (you know because he's french, nice to see our beloved ghosties are doing their best to avoid cultural stereotypes.) and he's like mega smooth and totally hot. They all chat for a while, funnily enough mostly about the cultural stereotypes attached to both France and California, before The Countess suggests Jean-Claude take Liz out and show her some sights. Liz realizes she's been set up. Really Liz? Only now? I would've cottoned on straight away. They go out for the day and when he drops her off that night she starts bitching about Rene. Jean-Claude tells her that Rene has a reason for being such a moody pratt. Seems that a few years ago Rene was a swimming champ. Till the day that he and his best friend went swimming at the beach and his friend got a cramp and drowned. Apparently Rene has blamed himself ever since. I imagine Liz is like "So what? In Sweet Valley teens die all the time and we get over it in about a week." The two make plans to get together again the next day.
At the Maison de Glize the next morning both twins prepare to go out with their respective dates. Jess is sulking coz Liz's dude is hot while shes stuck with the weird parentally obsessed Marc with a C. She's totes pissed because this guy is wasted on a girl like Liz , who (supposedly) doesn't care about money and looks. Marc arrives first and they leave.
A while later Avery calls. She has an emergency. She's a nurse and has a patient who needs medication from the chemist but cant be left alone while Avery goes and gets it. Liz Knows Jean-Claude will be there soon but she tells Avery she will do it anyway.
She takes the bus leaving a note for Jean-Claude and its just a huge comedy of errors from the get go. Its mostly pretty boring. There is a scene where her bus is held up in a traffic accident, and of course Liz the Lion-hearted gets off the bus to check things out. Traffic is being held up because there are two groups fighting about wat to do next. One group wants to wait for the police, while the other wants to push the cars out of the way so traffic can pass. It ends up being solved when someone produces a piece of chalk and marks where the cars were, before moving them. this incident is only worth mentioning because I was completely blown away by the fact that IT WASN'T LIZ WHO SOLVED THE PROBLEM!
Meanwhile at the beach Jess has had enough of this geek, coz he has no hot friends to introduce her to, so she fakes a migraine and gets him to take her home. She arrives to find the note Liz left for Jean-Claude still on the door and the wheels start turning. Methinks I sense a twin switch coming. So she pretends She's Liz and goes out with Jean-Claude Water-skiing and playing tennis. there is a point where he mentions that her french has gotten crappier since the day before. She says she has good days and bad days. Hey Jess - its a language, not cancer.
Liz gets home finds the note gone and thinks Jean-Claude got sick of waiting for her. Awww poor little Possum. So she picks a fight with Rene about his deadbeat American Dad (FRANCINE!!!).
Jess and Jean-Claude are at some fancy resturant in the mountains above Cannes for dinner. BITCH!!!! There is a bottle of Champagne on ice next to the table ( MORE UNDERAGE DRINKING?!?!?!). They make out and Jess decides its true love. She goes home and Liz tells her that Jean-Claude stood her up. Jess is all "Omg wat a loser you should totes never speak to him again" She really is a poisonous bitch.
The next morning Liz sits around feeling sorry for herself. She has a wet day dream about Todd being in France with her. She decides to go spend the day in town by herself.
Jess goes to meet Jean-Claude at his house and creams herself when she see's the mansion. Luckily the Countess is out so she doesn't have to pretend she likes talking to geriatrics.
Liz gets home thinking about what a great day she had and how much she loves her own awesome company. She finds an airmail envelope in the letterbox from Rene's American Dad ( FRANCINE!!!!) wow totally awesome an opportunity for meddling! She takes it to him and he throws it in the trash. They fight about it and he says his American Dad sends a letter every month and he's never read one of them. Liz tries some more to bully him into reading it and it almost works till Jess comes in all like - "do you know how great it is to swim in the Mediterranean. Its awesome.Too bad Rene's to chicken-shit to do it" Rene stomps off and Liz goes off on Jess, before digging through the trash for the letter. Yep, that's right. A Wakefield is going dumpster diving. If anyone finds out about this they might not let her back into sweet Valley.
That night Avery sits Liz down and Finally tells her the whole sordid story of Rene's American Dad. It's not really very sordid at all. They got married young, it didn't work out and he left them. All pretty average if you ask me. Rene was angry coz when he was little he and his dad were really close, and then after he left them he moved back to America.
The next day Liz is at home reading (WTF) when Marc with a C shows up. He thinks she's Jess and apologizes for bothering her, but he just wanted to know if she was feeling better and would she like to go to an art show. Liz figures out that Jess has dumped him in favor of a hotter dude. She explains who she is and says that she, Liz would love to go. On the way out Rene makes a nasty comment about Liz stealing her sisters boyfriend. I laugh long and loud. Oh Rene if you only knew!
Jess and Jean-Claude are on the Ile Sainte-Marguerite Which is off the coast of Cannes. Jean-Claude is telling Jess the local island myths and legends and stuff and some of it is actually interesting. there is a fort on one side of the island which he tells her was built towards the end of the middle ages and used as a prison during the Renaissance when it housed its most famous inmate - The Iron Mask. Jean-Claude tells her that The Iron Masks true identity remained a mystery, but rattles off a few local theories about who he was. Now I always wondered about this chapter, whether there was any truth in any of that, Like the name and location of the island or the existence of such a fort and prison. Does any one know? Let me know if you do! Oh and the biggest question of all - Is this the story that "The Man In The Iron Mask" with Leo DiCaprio is based on? any way back to the story.....
The love birds are lying on a beach blanket ( totally inferior to Lilas beach oriental) indulging in a picnic of Bread and cheese (you know - BECAUSE THEY'RE IN FRANCE BTW!!!!) and downing yet ANOTHER bottle of wine. ( Ned and Alice are gonna need the number for AA taped to the fridge by the time these girls get home - if they even notice the growing pile of emptys under Jess's window, that is) Suddenly the sky turns dark and the water gets choppy. So wat do these Brainiacs do? they decide to try to out race the storm in their sailboat. WTF? The water is the WORST place to be in a storm. Even CLAUDIA friggin' KISHI knows that! Why the hell didnt they wait it out in the fort?
Liz has had a totes cultured day and she's feeling doubly smug because she used her awesome match-making skillz on Marc with a C and some random girl, Veronique, that they met at the gallery. It turns out she's the artists daughter, so of course Liz gets to meet the artist. She suddenly knows EVERYTHING about art and the artist calls her a pretentious bitch "very perceptive, intelligent young lady"
NO! BAD ARTIST! Do not encourage her. Her head barely fits through the wide clean halls of Sweet Valley High as it is.
Marc with a C takes Liz home where she finds a note from Jess saying she'll be back by 3:30. nobody else is home. Honestly why did this woman invite them in the first place? Is 7:00 before Liz starts to worry Rene comes home and spills the beans about Jess and Jean-Claude, how he knew about it I don"t know. So Liz rings the Countess and she's all like, WTF i thought you were Sailing with Jean-Claude. Liz gives her some vague excuse, hangs up and freaks out. She begs Rene to help her save Jess from the big bad ocean. Rene is understanderbly scared but to his credit he says yes pretty quickly. They grab their rain coats and run outside, but, OH NOES!!!! Avery has taken the car, leaving only the moped, and the Wakefield 'rents have strictly banned their offspring from riding on a motorbike. Interestingly Liz thinks of her cousin Rexy's accident before she thinks about the one that almost Killed HER. She has a mini crisis of conscience before climbing on.
They race to the beach were they can see Jess And Jean-Claude's boat floundering. Suddenly the boom swings around and hits Jess in the head Knocking her into the water.
I'm going to hell coz that image made me laugh my ass off.
Liz and Rene swim out to save them. Jean-Claude is in the water too now trying to save Jess but apparently can't swim very well.
Rene drags the unconscious Jess back to shore and Liz helps Jean-Claude. The two J's lay on the sand gazing lovingly at each other and Liz realizes Jess is in love ( sure she is ) So she introduces herself as Jessica.
Back at the Glize's an hour later, Jess is getting ready to go out to dinner with Jean-Claude. WTF. Jessica you almost died an hour ago!
Liz warns her about the conversation she had with the Countess. After she leaves Liz and Rene have a heart to heart, And he admits he's ready to submit to the awesomeness that is everything Wakefieldian. He asks her if She wants to go to the beach with him. Im sure there is lots of shoulder patting going on.
Jess comes in in the middle of the night (she's probably plastered ) and tells Liz that she admitted everything to Jean-Claude and he still loves her. Liz says that she and Rene are going to spend some time together. They Squee over how good their second week in France is going to be. I vomit.
So there you have it. Scheming and meddling win out over the forces of good once again. Hope you all liked it. Sorry it was a little long!