Sweet Valley High #39: Secret Admirer
Sweet Valley High #39: Secret Admirer, the one about Personal Ads (yes, personal ads). In this book we learn that you can be really smart and funny but boys won't like you until you wear a skirt and makeup.
Liz is working at the paper after school. We are reminded that Penny Ayala is the editor of The Oracle . Then we get the blah blah perfect-size-six, twins-are-so-different standard first couple pages after Jessica blows off making dinner in favor of going to the mall with Amy. Did you guys ever notice they often talk about how the Wakefield kids take turns making dinner each night, yet never once has Jessica actually made dinner herself?
Any who! A girl named Lynne shows up. She had the brilliant idea that the Oracle should run personal ads now! ... And Mr. Collins agreed to this why? What school paper has gossip and personal ads. Maybe he wants to prepare his students for careers at In Touch Weekly? My high school paper just printed sports scores and photos of smiling students at events that happened months ago.
The three girls talk about personal ads, and Liz asks Penny if she'll place one. Way subtle, Wakefield. Penny is embarrassed. She has never dated.
Mr. Collins enters. I want to ask him what gives, but sadly he's fictional. He tells the girls there's going to be a dance-a 40's style dance. We should totally keep track of how many dances there are. There must be one every week. He is inviting Ms. Dalton, the French teacher, to go with him. That probably explains the personal ads. He's too busy trying to score some French teacher ass to notice what's going on.
Liz and Penny go for ice cream, and Liz continues to pester Penny about why she doesn't date. Penny thinks she turns guys off and tries to change the subject. Liz, of course, won't let it die. She's such a busy body. How does she know Penny isn't gay or something? (Or were people not allowed to be gay in Sweet Valley?)
Later, at the beach, Liz and Enid are talking. They're there with Jeffrey (no TBT) and Hugh Grayson, whom Enid has just met. This is their first date. Penny shows up, apparently Liz invited her. Penny makes a crack about being a fifth week and Liz doesn't understand why she's so uncomfortable. I think Penny is totally right to feel awkward. Who wants to hang out with a couple on their first date?
Liz wants to “help” Penny. She likes to solve everyone else's imagined problems. Anyway, Jeffrey sees her lost in thought and asks her what's up. Liz says she wishes she could help “someone.” Jeffrey laughs and refers to this as, “The usual.” Hee. Between this and “ yonder posh party,” I'm developing a love for Jeffrey that I never had when I was a kid.
Liz decides Penny should take out a personal ad, that way a guy can get to “know her” before he meets her. For some reason, Penny sees logic here (where?) and agrees. This is her ad:
Hook-nosed hunchback seeks kindred spirit. The ideal candidate will have a doctorate in Australian theology, love caves, speak Urdu. If you're looking for a girl who giggles, don't bother to respond. I'm strictly a guffaw type. Junior or senior will do just fine.
Seriously, that's the best personal ad ever. I'm totally changing my profile to say I'm strictly a guffaw type.
Penny gets three responses, proof the Sweet Valley guys have no taste. One is from a guy asking for homework help (what?), and another who talks about astrology and signs (which Penny dismisses out of hand, as she should) and the third is from a guy named “Jamie” who sounds really nice. Penny likes the letter and writes back. Enid worries to Liz that Penny is getting her hopes up, thinking Jaime is perfect.
At home, Penny looks at herself in the mirror. Apparently she dresses conservatively and she thinks this is why she gets no guys. Hoping it will get “Jamie” to like her, Penny gets out some makeup and starts painting herself up like a whore. Okay, maybe not a whore. She wears mascara! But still, My feminist heart is breaking. Penny's smart, funny and accomplished (Liz notes she's going to be Valedictorian), but she's unhappy. If only she were sluttier, then she'd be fine!
In Jessica's plotline (below) there have been several mentions of the new tennis star, Kirk Anderson, who Jessica thinks is conceited. You know if Jessica thinks you're conceited, you're in trouble. We discover that Kirk is the one receiving Penny's letters to “Jaime.” But it's his friend, Neil, who is writing the responses. Kirk and the other guys think it's a hilarious joke, but Neil is starting to like the anonymous letter-girl.
Kirk decides they need to “check her out” so he has Neil schedule a meeting at the mall. The guys are going to see what she looks like. Neil thinks it doesn't matter what she looks like, he already knows she's a “thumbs up.” If you weren't friends with such assholes, Neil, you might be all right.
At the designated meeting time, Penny shows up in a short denim skirt (twist the knife a little more,why don't you, ghostwriters). Kirk, Neil and the other guys are watching from a level up, to get a look at her first. I guess they think if she really is a hunchback they can ditch her? She waits a long time, about fifty minutes past the scheduled time. And then starts to cry. As a final indignity, she has to take the bus (the bus!) home.
Poor Penny.
We learn later that the guys were watching the spot. When a cute blonde girl showed up, Kirk was all set to be “Jaime” and answer the personal ad. But then she wasn't Penny. And when Penny did show up, the guys thought Neil really dodged a bullet by not going down. Nice how when she's hot, Kirk is in charge but when she's Penny, it's Neil's problem. Kirk asks who would want to date a girl who reads. Those readers are worse than fat people (see below).
Neil, predictably, doesn't feel like he dodged a bullet. He's always admired Penny, he just thought she had an air of “superiority” that made him think she didn't want to date guys. But now he thinks he would like to date her. Good think she wore that skirt and slutty makeup or he'd never have noticed her, right? *stabs*
Anyway, Liz overhears Kirk crowing about how hilarious “his” trick on Penny was. Liz rightly thinks he's a jerk. Liz sees a picture of a good-looking, young model in Jessica's copy of Ingenue and decides they are going to give Kirk a taste of his own medicine. I sort of wish he'd piss of Lila instead, because she'd have a much better revenge scheme than Liz.
In English class, Mr. Collins is teaching Huckleberry Finn. Penny is too distracted to answer his questions, and Neil jumps in to cover her embarrassment. When Penny gives him a thank you nod, he thinks it feels better than being friends with Kirk ever did. And he decides to tell her the truth. But when he approaches her, she seems “cold.” He thinks she is upset about what happened. Duh, dickhead.
Neil then decides to write a letter to Penny, as Jaime, “explaining” what happened. But he doesn't do any explaining, what he does is lie. He says an emergency came up and he is very sorry he missed their date. He signs it Jamie, and then hope she doesn't write back because Kirk is the one getting the letters. And he doesn't want Kirk to know! (His “epiphany” about liking her better lasted real long, right?)
At lunch, Liz pretends the girl, Erica, in the magazine clippings is her cousin. She loudly tells Enid that Erica is coming to visit next weekend. Kirk is a busy body, of course, and overhears them. Kirk comes over to Liz and tells her he wants to invite Erica to the dance because she's “his type” (and by his type, he means pretty since he knows nothing about her besides that she's a model). Arrogantly, Kirk tells Liz to just give Erica his picture and she'll never say no.
Penny,very graciously, decides to give “Jamie” another chance to meet her at the Dairi Burger
Neil worries Penny won't like him when they meet. He thinks he's not good enough for her (he's right). Just as he's about to go up to her, Kirk and the guys show up. Kirk sees Penny and asks if he's there to see her. This is the point where Neil should tell Kirk he's a jerk. Instead he says he doesn't care what Kirk thinks and stalks off to Penny. It's something but it's not really enough, you know?
Neil and Penny “meet.” Neil tells her the whole story about the joke and standing her up. Penny tries to leave “with her dignity.” But Neil stops her. He apologizes and holds her hand. She stays. I guess she doesn't need that silly dignity so long as she's got a boy to hold her hand! Neil asks her to the 40's dance and they kiss.
Liz calls Kirk and tells him Erica agreed to go to the dance with him. She just doesn't think Kirk should go with Erica. Eric is very conceited and she thinks she's so superior to everyone else. She describes Erica as a female Kirk, so of course he's still interested.
At the dance, Erica never shows up. ...And that's Liz's revenge. It's sort of lame. She should've let Jessica handle this. At least tell Kirk she never showed up because she was waiting in the parking lot to see what he looked like and then bailed when she saw him!
So Kirk is shamed. Penny is happy with Neil (for some reason). Liz is happy with Jeffrey. Jessica and Lila find some guys to bring to the dance so they're happy. The only person not happy is poor Regina Morrow. Seems Bruce Patman decided not to come to the dance at the last minute. Something about an oral project, I wonder what will happen here?
Jessica and Lila are scoping out dudes at the beach. Jessica thinks she's too “sophisticated” for high school boys. In reality, Jessica is about the same level of sophistication as some kindergarteners. She thinks they should put personal ads in the Oracle. Lila is like, a) I'm not taking out a personal ad, and b) why would older guys read a high school paper? These are both valid questions. However, Jessica insists that Steven reads The Oracle so other college guys must. Why not just ask Steven to introduce you to some college guys?
It makes no sense whatsoever. But Lila agrees because Jessica makes it into a contest. Whoever gets the best guy with their ad wins. This is Lila's ad:
Glamorous, sophisticated, mature high school girl looking for someone with the right stuff. I like fast cars, caviar, and the Caribbean. Don't talk to me about commitment-I'm looking for excitement, not a bridge partner. If you can keep up with me, I want you. Kids need not apply.
And this is Jessica's:
Are you devastatingly handsome? Are you romantic and wild? Do you like girls who aren't afraid of danger? Are you the type of guy who goes for what he wants? Are you in college? If you answered yes to all of the above questions, drop me a line. I've been looking for you.
I would think both ads would attract nothing but douche-bags.
At school, the ads cause a sensation. Jessica receives seven answers to her stupid ad. One, from a guy named Paolo, says two words in Italian. So naturally Jessica thinks he's the winner because Italian = European = Sophisticated. We're not told how many Lila got.
Jessica just “knows” that Paolo is a hunk. Shrug. Before she's even met him, she decides he's the love of her life. From one letter. If there were a Sweet Valley High drinking game, you would totally have to take a drink whenever Jessica fell “in love” with a guy she barely knows.
As you might guess, when Paolo shows up he's not what Jessica expects. He's (wait for it...) fat. I know! How dare he be fat and live in Sweet Valley! Jessica thinks, Never in her life had Jessica ever dated anyone who wasn't handsome and slim. And now she was going out with-with--someone fat. Well, it's time Jessica. You've dated everyone else.
Paolo takes her to a very nice Italian restaurant where Jessica is worried someone will see her. Rather than be gracious and enjoy a meal with him, Jessica pretends she has a terrible illness. No, you didn't read that wrong. She pretends she's got some sort of cancer and she usually stays home and takes medicine all the time. And then she pretends to be feeling sick right that second, so Paolo feels terrible and takes her home.
God, what a bitch. There aren't words. Although, I guess we should be glad perfectly nice Paolo escaped from the clutches of the sociopath.
Jessica doesn't want to go on any more blind dates, but she's desperate to beat Lila at their “competition.” So she replies to another letter, this one had a picture in it so she knows he's not a fatty. I'm a little confused as to why these college guys actually answered a high school girl's personal ad though.
Soon my question about why these guys are asking her out is explained. The picture-guy, John, takes Jessica out. He tells her he is a sociology major (she doesn't know what that is) and he's read “a lot” of personal ads. He then proceeds to ask her all kinds of bizarre questions (she thinks they're hitting it off). When he drops her off early, and never attempts to kiss her or so much as hold her hand, she thinks he's a “gentleman.” Boy, she's slow.
Jessica thinks John is the for-sure winner of her and Lila's contest. Cara says both Lila and Jessica will have to bring their men to the 40's dance and she'll judge who the winner is. If I were in college (or just alive) you couldn't pay me to go to a high school dance. John, of course, says he can't go to the dance. But he would like to meet Jessica's friend (Lila) who also took out an ad. He's real interested in why people write personal ads. I wonder why? I can't imagine.
The girls go to the beach where Lila and Jessica's dates are supposed to meet them. But Jessica and Lila are wearing the same swimsuit, how anvilicious. I wonder what else they share? Oh, that's right, it's John. He's researching a sociology project and answered a whole bunch of personal ads. But he's already got a girlfriend, so he's not interested in any of them besides how they can pad his research project. He probably should've told them that up front.
Cara teases both Jessica and Lila about it. The two of them grab Cara and drag her to the water. They didn't have a pool so they pushed her in the ocean. Damn, I love it when people get pushed into bodies of water. It almost makes this book worth it. :D!
Liz is working at the paper after school. We are reminded that Penny Ayala is the editor of The Oracle . Then we get the blah blah perfect-size-six, twins-are-so-different standard first couple pages after Jessica blows off making dinner in favor of going to the mall with Amy. Did you guys ever notice they often talk about how the Wakefield kids take turns making dinner each night, yet never once has Jessica actually made dinner herself?
Any who! A girl named Lynne shows up. She had the brilliant idea that the Oracle should run personal ads now! ... And Mr. Collins agreed to this why? What school paper has gossip and personal ads. Maybe he wants to prepare his students for careers at In Touch Weekly? My high school paper just printed sports scores and photos of smiling students at events that happened months ago.
The three girls talk about personal ads, and Liz asks Penny if she'll place one. Way subtle, Wakefield. Penny is embarrassed. She has never dated.
Mr. Collins enters. I want to ask him what gives, but sadly he's fictional. He tells the girls there's going to be a dance-a 40's style dance. We should totally keep track of how many dances there are. There must be one every week. He is inviting Ms. Dalton, the French teacher, to go with him. That probably explains the personal ads. He's too busy trying to score some French teacher ass to notice what's going on.
Liz and Penny go for ice cream, and Liz continues to pester Penny about why she doesn't date. Penny thinks she turns guys off and tries to change the subject. Liz, of course, won't let it die. She's such a busy body. How does she know Penny isn't gay or something? (Or were people not allowed to be gay in Sweet Valley?)
Later, at the beach, Liz and Enid are talking. They're there with Jeffrey (no TBT) and Hugh Grayson, whom Enid has just met. This is their first date. Penny shows up, apparently Liz invited her. Penny makes a crack about being a fifth week and Liz doesn't understand why she's so uncomfortable. I think Penny is totally right to feel awkward. Who wants to hang out with a couple on their first date?
Liz wants to “help” Penny. She likes to solve everyone else's imagined problems. Anyway, Jeffrey sees her lost in thought and asks her what's up. Liz says she wishes she could help “someone.” Jeffrey laughs and refers to this as, “The usual.” Hee. Between this and “ yonder posh party,” I'm developing a love for Jeffrey that I never had when I was a kid.
Liz decides Penny should take out a personal ad, that way a guy can get to “know her” before he meets her. For some reason, Penny sees logic here (where?) and agrees. This is her ad:
Hook-nosed hunchback seeks kindred spirit. The ideal candidate will have a doctorate in Australian theology, love caves, speak Urdu. If you're looking for a girl who giggles, don't bother to respond. I'm strictly a guffaw type. Junior or senior will do just fine.
Seriously, that's the best personal ad ever. I'm totally changing my profile to say I'm strictly a guffaw type.
Penny gets three responses, proof the Sweet Valley guys have no taste. One is from a guy asking for homework help (what?), and another who talks about astrology and signs (which Penny dismisses out of hand, as she should) and the third is from a guy named “Jamie” who sounds really nice. Penny likes the letter and writes back. Enid worries to Liz that Penny is getting her hopes up, thinking Jaime is perfect.
At home, Penny looks at herself in the mirror. Apparently she dresses conservatively and she thinks this is why she gets no guys. Hoping it will get “Jamie” to like her, Penny gets out some makeup and starts painting herself up like a whore. Okay, maybe not a whore. She wears mascara! But still, My feminist heart is breaking. Penny's smart, funny and accomplished (Liz notes she's going to be Valedictorian), but she's unhappy. If only she were sluttier, then she'd be fine!
In Jessica's plotline (below) there have been several mentions of the new tennis star, Kirk Anderson, who Jessica thinks is conceited. You know if Jessica thinks you're conceited, you're in trouble. We discover that Kirk is the one receiving Penny's letters to “Jaime.” But it's his friend, Neil, who is writing the responses. Kirk and the other guys think it's a hilarious joke, but Neil is starting to like the anonymous letter-girl.
Kirk decides they need to “check her out” so he has Neil schedule a meeting at the mall. The guys are going to see what she looks like. Neil thinks it doesn't matter what she looks like, he already knows she's a “thumbs up.” If you weren't friends with such assholes, Neil, you might be all right.
At the designated meeting time, Penny shows up in a short denim skirt (twist the knife a little more,why don't you, ghostwriters). Kirk, Neil and the other guys are watching from a level up, to get a look at her first. I guess they think if she really is a hunchback they can ditch her? She waits a long time, about fifty minutes past the scheduled time. And then starts to cry. As a final indignity, she has to take the bus (the bus!) home.
Poor Penny.
We learn later that the guys were watching the spot. When a cute blonde girl showed up, Kirk was all set to be “Jaime” and answer the personal ad. But then she wasn't Penny. And when Penny did show up, the guys thought Neil really dodged a bullet by not going down. Nice how when she's hot, Kirk is in charge but when she's Penny, it's Neil's problem. Kirk asks who would want to date a girl who reads. Those readers are worse than fat people (see below).
Neil, predictably, doesn't feel like he dodged a bullet. He's always admired Penny, he just thought she had an air of “superiority” that made him think she didn't want to date guys. But now he thinks he would like to date her. Good think she wore that skirt and slutty makeup or he'd never have noticed her, right? *stabs*
Anyway, Liz overhears Kirk crowing about how hilarious “his” trick on Penny was. Liz rightly thinks he's a jerk. Liz sees a picture of a good-looking, young model in Jessica's copy of Ingenue and decides they are going to give Kirk a taste of his own medicine. I sort of wish he'd piss of Lila instead, because she'd have a much better revenge scheme than Liz.
In English class, Mr. Collins is teaching Huckleberry Finn. Penny is too distracted to answer his questions, and Neil jumps in to cover her embarrassment. When Penny gives him a thank you nod, he thinks it feels better than being friends with Kirk ever did. And he decides to tell her the truth. But when he approaches her, she seems “cold.” He thinks she is upset about what happened. Duh, dickhead.
Neil then decides to write a letter to Penny, as Jaime, “explaining” what happened. But he doesn't do any explaining, what he does is lie. He says an emergency came up and he is very sorry he missed their date. He signs it Jamie, and then hope she doesn't write back because Kirk is the one getting the letters. And he doesn't want Kirk to know! (His “epiphany” about liking her better lasted real long, right?)
At lunch, Liz pretends the girl, Erica, in the magazine clippings is her cousin. She loudly tells Enid that Erica is coming to visit next weekend. Kirk is a busy body, of course, and overhears them. Kirk comes over to Liz and tells her he wants to invite Erica to the dance because she's “his type” (and by his type, he means pretty since he knows nothing about her besides that she's a model). Arrogantly, Kirk tells Liz to just give Erica his picture and she'll never say no.
Penny,very graciously, decides to give “Jamie” another chance to meet her at the Dairi Burger
Neil worries Penny won't like him when they meet. He thinks he's not good enough for her (he's right). Just as he's about to go up to her, Kirk and the guys show up. Kirk sees Penny and asks if he's there to see her. This is the point where Neil should tell Kirk he's a jerk. Instead he says he doesn't care what Kirk thinks and stalks off to Penny. It's something but it's not really enough, you know?
Neil and Penny “meet.” Neil tells her the whole story about the joke and standing her up. Penny tries to leave “with her dignity.” But Neil stops her. He apologizes and holds her hand. She stays. I guess she doesn't need that silly dignity so long as she's got a boy to hold her hand! Neil asks her to the 40's dance and they kiss.
Liz calls Kirk and tells him Erica agreed to go to the dance with him. She just doesn't think Kirk should go with Erica. Eric is very conceited and she thinks she's so superior to everyone else. She describes Erica as a female Kirk, so of course he's still interested.
At the dance, Erica never shows up. ...And that's Liz's revenge. It's sort of lame. She should've let Jessica handle this. At least tell Kirk she never showed up because she was waiting in the parking lot to see what he looked like and then bailed when she saw him!
So Kirk is shamed. Penny is happy with Neil (for some reason). Liz is happy with Jeffrey. Jessica and Lila find some guys to bring to the dance so they're happy. The only person not happy is poor Regina Morrow. Seems Bruce Patman decided not to come to the dance at the last minute. Something about an oral project, I wonder what will happen here?
Jessica and Lila are scoping out dudes at the beach. Jessica thinks she's too “sophisticated” for high school boys. In reality, Jessica is about the same level of sophistication as some kindergarteners. She thinks they should put personal ads in the Oracle. Lila is like, a) I'm not taking out a personal ad, and b) why would older guys read a high school paper? These are both valid questions. However, Jessica insists that Steven reads The Oracle so other college guys must. Why not just ask Steven to introduce you to some college guys?
It makes no sense whatsoever. But Lila agrees because Jessica makes it into a contest. Whoever gets the best guy with their ad wins. This is Lila's ad:
Glamorous, sophisticated, mature high school girl looking for someone with the right stuff. I like fast cars, caviar, and the Caribbean. Don't talk to me about commitment-I'm looking for excitement, not a bridge partner. If you can keep up with me, I want you. Kids need not apply.
And this is Jessica's:
Are you devastatingly handsome? Are you romantic and wild? Do you like girls who aren't afraid of danger? Are you the type of guy who goes for what he wants? Are you in college? If you answered yes to all of the above questions, drop me a line. I've been looking for you.
I would think both ads would attract nothing but douche-bags.
At school, the ads cause a sensation. Jessica receives seven answers to her stupid ad. One, from a guy named Paolo, says two words in Italian. So naturally Jessica thinks he's the winner because Italian = European = Sophisticated. We're not told how many Lila got.
Jessica just “knows” that Paolo is a hunk. Shrug. Before she's even met him, she decides he's the love of her life. From one letter. If there were a Sweet Valley High drinking game, you would totally have to take a drink whenever Jessica fell “in love” with a guy she barely knows.
As you might guess, when Paolo shows up he's not what Jessica expects. He's (wait for it...) fat. I know! How dare he be fat and live in Sweet Valley! Jessica thinks, Never in her life had Jessica ever dated anyone who wasn't handsome and slim. And now she was going out with-with--someone fat. Well, it's time Jessica. You've dated everyone else.
Paolo takes her to a very nice Italian restaurant where Jessica is worried someone will see her. Rather than be gracious and enjoy a meal with him, Jessica pretends she has a terrible illness. No, you didn't read that wrong. She pretends she's got some sort of cancer and she usually stays home and takes medicine all the time. And then she pretends to be feeling sick right that second, so Paolo feels terrible and takes her home.
God, what a bitch. There aren't words. Although, I guess we should be glad perfectly nice Paolo escaped from the clutches of the sociopath.
Jessica doesn't want to go on any more blind dates, but she's desperate to beat Lila at their “competition.” So she replies to another letter, this one had a picture in it so she knows he's not a fatty. I'm a little confused as to why these college guys actually answered a high school girl's personal ad though.
Soon my question about why these guys are asking her out is explained. The picture-guy, John, takes Jessica out. He tells her he is a sociology major (she doesn't know what that is) and he's read “a lot” of personal ads. He then proceeds to ask her all kinds of bizarre questions (she thinks they're hitting it off). When he drops her off early, and never attempts to kiss her or so much as hold her hand, she thinks he's a “gentleman.” Boy, she's slow.
Jessica thinks John is the for-sure winner of her and Lila's contest. Cara says both Lila and Jessica will have to bring their men to the 40's dance and she'll judge who the winner is. If I were in college (or just alive) you couldn't pay me to go to a high school dance. John, of course, says he can't go to the dance. But he would like to meet Jessica's friend (Lila) who also took out an ad. He's real interested in why people write personal ads. I wonder why? I can't imagine.
The girls go to the beach where Lila and Jessica's dates are supposed to meet them. But Jessica and Lila are wearing the same swimsuit, how anvilicious. I wonder what else they share? Oh, that's right, it's John. He's researching a sociology project and answered a whole bunch of personal ads. But he's already got a girlfriend, so he's not interested in any of them besides how they can pad his research project. He probably should've told them that up front.
Cara teases both Jessica and Lila about it. The two of them grab Cara and drag her to the water. They didn't have a pool so they pushed her in the ocean. Damn, I love it when people get pushed into bodies of water. It almost makes this book worth it. :D!