SVU Secret Love Diaries: Elizabeth
Here it is! Sorry it took so long to get up, but oh my good God, Elizabeth bored me to tears. Tears, people! I groaned every time I picked the book up to read more. I am definitely not a fan of Liz.
The cover’s so blah. There’s a headshot of one of the Daniel twins, blowed if I know which one, but obviously it’s meant to be Liz - she even has a sparkly barrette in her hair! Sincerely, I always thought the Daniel twins were pretty, so I really have no problem with the cover.
We begin with an astronomically boring diary entry wherein Liz admits two things: a) she wants a boyfriend and b) she’s a hypocrite for admitting that because when her friends whine about not having a guy, she tells them “to get a life.” She “talks” to her diary as if it’s a person, often using the phrase, “diary dearest.” Oh, yeah. It’s going to be a long night for me.
Let’s see, how many things is Liz whining about? The fact that Jessica is always busy at the Theta house, doing Theta things. The fact that Liz has only had two major boyfriends (she names Todd and Tom. Did she/the ghostie forget about Jeffrey, or is he not a “major” boyfriend?). She outright says, “Diary, I am NOT a prude!” Wow, does she really believe that? Delusional as well as hypocritical. And this is the “good” twin.
We switch to 3rd-person narrative, which tells us that Liz is waiting for a call from one Ben Herman. When her phone does ring, however, it turns out to be Cousin Diane. Cousin Diane is getting married (henceforth known as The Plot Device) and has reserved a room for each of the twins (her bridesmaids) at the swanky Sweet Valley Resort Hotel. They squee over its swankiness. Let’s move on.
Later on, Liz mentions maybe inviting Ben to the wedding as her date. Jess, for the first of many times in this book, is the voice of reason and tells her that’s a no-no. Jess herself contemplates bringing a boy-toy with her. Liz thinks it’s unfair that Jess says she can bring a guy, but Liz can’t bring Ben. Um, hello? Your twin - whom you described in your precious diary as your best friend - just gave you some good advice. Don’t be a brat. Anyway, they arrive at the apartment and Diane has left them a message that dates are okay but the groomsmen are hotties.
They run into stupid fucking Sam Burgess and Liz is pissed that Sam didn’t answer the phone when he was obviously home. In his usual douchbaggy way, he explains that this way they got the whole message while not running the risk of having him forget it. He asks about the “chick” who called and Jessica deigns to explain to him that they’ll be going away for a couple of nights for The Plot Device. Sam and Neil celebrate being free of the Wakefield twins for a while.
Liz mopes in her diary about not being “proactive” and her boyfriend-less state. Foreshadowing? Is that you?
Jess and Liz have a conversation about guys and sex and blah and it’s foreshadowing again, so I’ll skip it. Basically, Liz decides she need to try something new. Like temperary perms and surfing lessons?
The wedding party is at the S.V.R. Hotel on some patio. The Wakefield ‘rents are there, but I think the ghostwriter forgot about Steven. Diane introduces Jess to Tucker, her respective groomsman, and he’s hot and they hit it off. Then Diane introduces the groom’s cousin, Todd … who is, indeed, our own Todd Wilkins! Oh, Sweet Valley coincidences, will you never cease to amaze?
Apparently it’s been forever since they’ve seen each other, not since Todd went to work for some seedy “townie bar.” As they awkwardly hug each other hello, Todd swears he’s “going to kill David [the groom], cousin or no cousin.” There’s the Todd we know and love! Alice Wakefield bounces over and creams her soft pink silk suit over the fact that Lizzie and Toddy are together again! Then she recounts their history to the clueless Diane. Embarrassment all around. Except for nutjob Alice.
Liz silently recounts their recent history - why there’s such a rift between them: first they broke up, obviously, then he quit basketball (oh noes! Not basketball!), then he hooked up with that “mousy” Dana girl, moved in together, and Todd got that job at Frankie’s. They make a little small talk and then he goes away. Liz asks Jess if they can trade groomsmen. Jess ain’t giving Tucker up, and I don’t blame her.
At dinner, things don’t go much better. Ned Wakefield asks Todd about basketball, and the ghostie randomly says that they had always had that athletics connection. I was about to call shenanigans on that, but I don’t remember much of the SVH series, so I’m asking: can anyone back the ghostie up on that? Liz decides to try and pry talk to Todd and asks him in a snotty way about his job. Todd says, “Are you still as judgemental as you always were?” Hee! Todd, you’re not that bad in this book.
It shuts Liz up, but not for long - later she corners him and practically forces him to talk about his break-up with Dana. Why, Liz? Oh, because you like to meddle and be the good listener she always has been. Excuse me while I puke. Anyway, Liz becomes more sympathetic towards him and we have our first major hint that something’s gonna go down between these two later on.
Liz gets him to open up more. They talk about school and Todd says Liz is on the good, clear path to a full life and fulfilling career and he’s having a mini-life crisis. Blah, they bond. Then they feel “chemistry happening” and both kind of lean in for a kiss, but Liz stops. Then Dana invites them all to go skinny-dipping in a nearby lake, and Todd encourages Liz to come with.
Now, at this point, maybe you’re curious that we might get some nekkid action. Even someone “accidentally” swimming into someone else under the water, Liz or Todd seeing one or the other in their skivvies, or perhaps someone stealing Liz’s (or Jessica’s) clothes, leaving them in their birthday suits. (Hee, I just thought of three different ways to say “naked.”)
But no. Liz and Todd prove to the world, once again, that they are the most boring (ex-)couple. They undress in different areas, jump in, neither gets a peek at the other (Liz holds her arms across her chest while in the water) and get out before the rest of the party. Then, when they are both fully dressed, they take an apparently romantic walk in some wooded area and start to make out. Oooh! But then Liz puts a stop to it and runs up to her room and writes about it in her diary. Good God, woman, you’re 19, not 11!
She spends three pages waffling back and forth over Todd. Is it fate? Is it just a coincidence? Why can’t he be Super Awesome Jock Todd and not Bartender Todd? Lizzie’s got it so rough!
There’s a knock on the door, but it’s just Jessica. She’s going to spend the night in Tucker’s room. Liz warns herpes! AIDS! Be careful! Jess teases her about how friendly she and Todd are being, but warns her in return not to “get serious” about him. Jess leaves and Liz writes more in her stupid diary. Then there’s another knock on the door, and it turns out to be Todd! Here we go!
Except not. He starts by apologizing to her about the making out, and then they kind of flirt. Liz kind of wants to see how far Todd will go to get into her pants (or at least try, I guess) but somehow she ends up insulting him by saying that things are different now for them. He gets huffy and calls her superficial (HA!) and is all, “I said good day!” She calls him a jerk, slams the door in his face, and cries. As you do.
The next chapter opens with two diary entries. Oh. Goody. Liz thinks that Todd’s being insecure and defensive because of the changes in his life, and that’s why he couldn’t read her oh-so-transparent signals last night. Really, Lizzie? It wasn’t your snobby attitude or the fact that you hold onto your chastity belt with an iron-strong grip that was a turn-off? Anyway, she goes to the rehearsal dinner for The Plot Device and creams her pants over how gorgeous Todd is. Gah! I can NOT keep track of this girl’s changes of heart. Todd tells Diane that he’s bringing a date to The Plot Device. Liz is mopey.
They do the rehearsal wedding for The Plot Device, and the wedding planner (Plot Device Planner???) is annoying as fuck. She tra-la-las that Todd and Liz aren’t happy enough for a wedding, you must be happy, HAPPY! She tells them to pretend to be in love with each other, “like they’re the king and queen of love and you all are their courtiers”. Todd does not haul off and punch her. Sigh.
Liz and Jess meet up later and Liz asks about Tucker, using every possible bad pun on his name. The best is “Friar Tuck.” We find out that he and Jess did not, in fact, dance the horizontel rumba, even though she stayed at his room the whole night. They have a pretty sweet, sisterly discussion about how it’s perfectly okay to wait and go your own speed. Jess says that she’s not really a heartbreaker, she just likes playing the part. OH RLY?
Liz and Todd again practice walking down the asile (I guess the rehearsal isn’t over). Alice Wakefield squees over how cute they look together and generally makes an idiot of herself. Then Todd pulls Liz aside and the talk (AGAIN) about how things are different between them and blah blah blah and everything’s all rainbows and butterflies in the world of Liz and Todd again. He invites her to go boating on the lake after the bridesmaids’ fitting. She accepts happily.
Diane, her mother, Liz, Jess, and two other bridesmaids are there. All you need to know about them is that they’re both brunettes and not given more than one line of dialogue … total. Anywho, Liz gloats over the fact that she’s the only one who bought sensible shoewear. I like my shoes to be comfy, too, but I don’t brag about it. Diane gives them each a pearl choker and they all cry and hug each other, and it’s kind of sweet and cheesy at the same time.
Liz meets up with Todd and they ride out onto the lake. I’d like to take a ride in a boat sometime, it sounds nice. Todd admits that the reason he invited a date is because Liz spurned his advances the night before. Then he says, “now I really just want to spend time with you, Elizabeth.” Because dating someone else is so obviously a ploy to get closer to your ex. Then Liz suggests that she and Todd just continue behind the girl’s back. Todd is pleased. They kiss. This is one fucked-up relationship … in case any of you hadn’t noticed J
In her diary, Liz worries about the poor girl, as she rightly should, but loses any respect I had for her by saying, But it feels right. What? How, Liz? Show me.
The day of The Plot Device. Liz says Diane has poise and an inner glow. I was going to snark that, but I can’t. We get a description of the bridesmaids’ dresses, lavender with empire waists and bias-cut skirts. I like lavender, so again I won’t mock that. Before walking down the asile, Liz daydreams about her own Plot Device, er, sorry, wedding. I think we’ve all been there. She tries to picture her groom’s face and to her horror it looks an awful lot like … Sam! Stupid fucking Sam, I thought we got rid of you in the first chapter. Anyway, she and Todd walk down the asile (Todd can’t keep his eyes off her) and the ceremony begins. It’s super short, and Liz cuts out for a sec to angst in her diary (gah!) about seeing Sam in her daydream. Then she returns only to meet Todd with his date, Lisa.
Lisa’s cute and friendly and all about Todd. It’s a scene out of any subpar romantic comedy. She’s also a redhead. Why is it always a redhead who splits Todd and Liz apart? Anyway, he and Liz share A Moment. Then he and Lisa go off to dance. Liz thinks they’re having a good time and starts to feel unsure of her and Todd. I know I’m stating the obvious, but serves you right. She waffles A-GAIN over the issue, then finally thinks, She and Todd had history together. More than that, they might even have a future together.… This was her night. Hers and Todd’s together.
Groan.
The wedding party dances together next, letting Liz and Todd be together. He says that even though Lisa’s rented a room for the night, he really wants to be with Liz. She says the same thing and wonders what the “be with” part means. Liz, I … I have no words.
She tells Todd to be truthful with Lisa so they can be together. Todd stalls, “What happened to sneaking around?” Ugh! No, wait, it gets better. He asks if he and Liz are “going the distance.” Liz, thankfully, has a tiny bit of sense left and leaves him in the middle of the dance floor. Okay, Liz, you’ve got a little bit of my respect back. Don’t blow it.
I spoke too soon. She returns to Todd after mulling it over. She wants to make sure he and her are on the same page, but before they can clarify things, Lisa asks if she can cut in. Liz goes back to her seat and Jess joins her. They basically rehash everything from the oh-so-exciting night of skinnydipping to now. Jess rightly calls Todd a creep and tells Liz that the feelings she now has for Todd are only because they’ve been thrown together in a romantic setting. Finally, some reason!
Then there’s the flower toss and the garter toss. Hilarioulsy, Jess catches the bouquet. Liz prudes over the garter toss (which I’d never heard of until a few days back). It sounds fun to me - here the groom reaches up under Diane’s dress and grabs her garter, pulling it off with his teeth(!). Then he throws it and Todd catches it. He looks straight at Liz. *scoffs*
She tells him that she wants to be “alone” with him. She insists that he tell Lisa the truth. He says that he’ll join Liz in a half-hour. Liz goes up and frets about it in her diary, crossing out what she writes and finally writing ???????? I think this is a perfect example of Liz’s true writing abilities.
Todd comes in with champagne, turns on the radio, and they start to dance. Then Liz comes to her senses - how could she want to be with a guy whom she’s not even friends with? Jess’s advice finally sinks in, and for the 12th time in this book, Liz stops Todd from going further.
At first he’s frustrated (and God, who wouldn’t be?) but then she explains that it’s just because of circumstances that they’re together, not because of fate, like she wanted to believe. He agrees that it’s not meant to be and within two pages goes from wanting Liz to wanting Lisa. There’s talk of finally having the “closure” they needed, and I guess that’s fair, although I have a hard time seeing where the closure part is. He runs off to Lisa’s room.
Later that night, Liz and Jess talk. Liz admits that for a while, she believed that she wanted to get back together with Todd. Jess is pleased and says, “You always follow my advice.” We find out that Tucker is in the Peace Corp and going away to Uganda, so they’re no longer attempting to get it on. Liz is totally at peace with her decision to not sleep with Todd and hopes in a saintly manner that he is happy with Lisa. She’s over Todd.
One last diary entry. Liz doesn’t know who she’s going to end up with, but now she’s ready for him. Except if it turns out to be Sam. Oh, diary dearest, I really hope it’s not Sam!
Don’t worry, sweetheart. Not even you deserve Sam Burgess.