Sweet Valley High #79: The Long Lost Brother
Sweet Valley High #79: The Long Lost Brother
I would like to start off by wishing the Wakefield twins a very happy birthday. If those blonde haired, blue eyed Geminis were sixteen in 1983, that means Liz is turning 41 today, and four minutes later Jess will turn 29 for the twelfth time.
So, today I will be recapping #79, The Long Lost Brother. Except he was never lost. Not even for a moment, much less a long time.
Ooooh, but look! Tim gets his very own Elizabeth Wakefield Shoulder Squeeze of Meddling Condescension! So we know this book is going to be a Very Special Episode.
The book begins with Liz interviewing the lady who runs the local battered women’s shelter for an article in The Oracle. The lady invites Liz to the shelter, but warns her that its location has to be a secret for the safety of the people there. Then maybe you shouldn’t go telling a sixteen year old kid all about it, hm? When Jess picks Liz up, she snaps her gum and says, “These women’s husbands hit them? Bummer.” Just in case we were unclear on what battering meant, I guess.
Meanwhile Sara Eastborne and her best friend, Amanda Hayes, go to Sara’s house. (I believe they were in Jess’s modern dance class when she was gunning for Miss Teen Sweet Valley, but I have no actual proof of that. I just assume it because that old Russian teacher shows up again in this book to give them lessons.) Sara checks the mail and there is (a) a support check from her dad in Connecticut, which he had his secretary mail, and (b) a letter from her twin brother, Tim, which she hides and then tells herself, “Amanda can NEVER KNOW TIM’S SECRET!” I imagine her making Joey Tribbiani’s smell-the-fart soap opera face.
Sara’s mom comes home and is happy to hear from Tim. He’s taking a mechanic class through his local vocational school, and Mama Sara is like, “You know how much he loves cars.” Sara goes, “Yeah, that must be why he stole one.” Burn. Anyway, Mama Sara wants to talk about Tim, and how he’s turned his life around and is going to AA now. Oh, here we go. Mama tries to get Sara to go to an Alateen meeting, because she herself has been going to Al-Anon and thinks it’s helpful. She PSAs that alcoholism is a family disease, and if one person has it, the whole family gets sick. That’s nothing Sara couldn’t have learned in a week of reading Cary Tennis.
Sara has a date with her boyfriend, Bob Hillman. Bob is unnecessary. Couldn’t they have put her with Bruce or even Kirk Anderson, if she’s supposed to be dating a rich jerk? Probably not, because then Sara might get her boob touched, and this is a book about stealing cars and drinking too much, not premarital sex. She’s meeting Unnecessary Bob’s parents for the first time tonight, over dinner at the Country Club. It doesn’t go well. She’s spacing out about her brother, and Bob is all, “Snap out of it! I want my parents to see you at your best!” Pa Bob keeps jumping up from the table to go talk to business contacts, and Ma Bob goes on about..tanning beds? Or something? I don’t know. She keeps telling the kids how important it is to “project a suitable image,” which makes me guess the Bobs are totally nouveau. That is not something Marie Patman ever frets about, is all I’m saying. They don’t like Sara, and Bob is kind of pissed that she wasn’t more charming. He does invite her to Miss Lila’s beach party the next day, though, and tells her to wear her new white bikini because, “I want all the other guys to wish you were their girlfriend.” Um. Is that normal? Sara thinks it’s kind of weird, but she does not have the Gift of Fear so she ignores her instincts and doesn’t dump Bob like I would’ve.
The next day, Sara talks on the phone a lot. Tim calls from his reform school to talk to their mom and she eavesdrops on the extension, noting that he sounds sad and lonely. Then her mom leaves for work. Amanda calls to make shopping plans, but Sara can’t because of Lila’s party. Amanda was invited too but doesn’t feel like going, since she thinks Lila is superficial and snobby. That’s because you don’t know her like we do! Then her dad calls, and the exchange is basically like:
Dad: Is your mom home?
Sara: She’s at work.
Dad: Okay, I’ll call her there. Bye.
Sara: Bye.
I’m glad the ghostwriter wasted ink on that.
Jess has to put on her Miss Teen Sweet Valley gown and crown to cut the ribbon at a new bowling alley. She doesn’t want to, though, and tries to get Liz to switch places with her, but Liz can’t because she and Enid are going to the battered women’s shelter. Later, at the beach party, a volleyball hits Unnecessary Bob in the head because he’s checking Jessica out instead of paying attention to the game. Then Bob gets pissed at Sara for seeming distracted at the party. When Sara gets home, her mom is like, “Guess what! Tim is being let out of reform school and coming to live with us!” Sara is not pleased.
After dance class, the girls go to the mall and Amanda tries to get Sara to tell her why she’s been so distracted and unhappy lately. Sara’s all, “SHE MUST NEVER LEARN TIM’S SECRET!” Whatever. This actually happens about a thousand times in the next few chapters. Sara does tell Amanda that Tim is coming to live with them for a bit, and then remembers Darlene, her best friend from Connecticut. When Tim was arrested for stealing the car, Darlene stopped talking to Sara and, because she was popular, everyone else in school did too. She’ll just die if the same thing happens in Sweet Valley!
I wouldn’t worry too much. Nobody seems to mind that Enid used to be a meth addict who once ran over a little kid while high. Todd assaults someone every other book, but everyone thinks he’s the nicest boy in school. Also, stealing a car is small time compared to attempted rape, and everyone still likes Bruce just fine. (Let’s not forget that Lila has not yet Gone Home With John, by which time the SVH kids seem to have caught their snap and realized that rape is bad. At the moment, Enid, Dear Sister, and the Toddpunches are really all we have to go on for the Sweet Valley citizens’ views on violent crime.)
A gentleman named Crunch McAllister chats the girls up. We learn that he has been crazy about Amanda for ages, but Amanda thinks he’s dumb. He offers to give them a ride home in his van, described as one of the most awesome cars in Sweet Valley. I assume he’s had the Elizabeth-shaped dent fixed. This supercool van is purple and has a roaring lion painted on the side.
Let’s just sit back and let that image soak in for a moment, shall we?
The girls decline, of course, and run away.
Liz decides to expand her article to talk about how families with other troubles besides battering can get help too. A social worker at Project Youth gives her a short history of twelve step programs. I have no idea if it’s accurate or not, and I don’t really care to look it up. The social worker tells Liz, “Sure, you can totally sit in on our group therapies and all the twelve step meetings you want and then write about them in your school paper! Nobody will mind! There’s one starting right now!” Liz asks what the topic is, and the lady’s all, “You’ll see!” She marches Liz into a room, and the first person Liz sees is Tom McGay. She plops down next to him and listens to the gay kid therapy group. That must not make poor Tom feel awkward at all.
Sara and Unnecessary Bob walk into Sara’s house and Tim is there. Sara kind of hustles Tim away all, “I thought you weren’t coming until tonight. Go away.” Super subtle. Tim plays along, but tells Sara he’d like to talk to her later. Bob thinks Tim’s shoes were fabulous (no seriously, I’m not making that up), and doesn’t understand why Sara doesn’t seem happy to see him. Sara thinks about confessing, but decides Bob would be like the kids in Connecticut, so she just tells him she and Tim don’t get along. After Bob leaves, Tim tells Sara he has to see a probation officer in Sweet Valley as a condition of his moving there. Sara’s pissy.
The next morning, Mama Sara takes Sara for a walk to talk to her about Tim. Tim needs them to stand by him, and she wants Sara to put the past behind her and forgive her brother. She points out, “If you got into trouble, wouldn’t you want Tim and me to stand by you? As long as he’s trying to straighten out his life, we owe him that.” Mama Sara overshares about how Papa Sara is emotionally closed off and unable to be there for Tim. Um. What? Not an appropriate topic of conversation with your teenage daughter, lady. Criticizing your ex to the kids is shitty and manipulative. Sara doesn’t want to give Tim a second chance to hurt her.
Jess begs Liz to be Miss Teen Sweet Valley at a Women’s Club luncheon. Liz points out that she could always call the runner up to fill in, and Jess is like, “NEVER!” So, there’s that.
Sara calls Project Youth and spills the whole situation to Amy’s boyfriend Barry. After she gets it all out, she asks what she should do. Barry’s all, “Yeah, we don’t give advice. Bye now!” That was helpful.
Unnecessary Bob breaks some dates with lame excuses.
Tim tries to talk to Sara about her dancing and friends, and Sara’s like, “Yeah, my friends are great. Too bad you’re going to drive them all away like you did last time.” Tim feels guilty. Sara makes him promise he won’t tell anyone about reform school. She told everyone at SVH that he went to boarding school, was a track star and first in his class, and is going to Harvard. He’s like, “But I was in jail and I want to be a mechanic.” Sara’s all, “Not my problem.” Tim’s unhappy because AA teaches that he has to be honest about his past, but he agrees to lie to the kids at school to make up to Sara for being in jail. No, I don’t understand it either.
Liz goes to an AA meeting. There is much, “My name is Whatever, and I’m an alcoholic!” “Hi, Whatever!” Liz has apparently never watched TV or seen a movie, because the fact that AA meetings are run this way is complete news to her. Tim is one of the people there. He tells the group about his situation with his sister, and Liz sanctimoniously thinks about how great she and Steve and Jess are, that they’ve never been ashamed of each other. Probably because she doesn’t know about Steve’s weird infatuation with Jess, and is in denial about Jess’s sociopathy.
Tim hits on Liz after the meeting, naturally. They exchange about three sentences before he’s asking her to dump Todd. She declines, but is all, “We can be friends! I’ll introduce you around school on Monday!” Tim is sad - it should be Sara introducing him - but glad to have made a friend anyway.
At school, Todd and Tim get along. Sara won’t talk to Tim. Liz realizes Sara is the sister Tim was talking about at the meeting - fucking duh, does he have another one? - and thinks judgy, sanctimonious thoughts about how Tim deserves Sara’s support, not her anger. Tim anxiously reminds Liz that everything she heard at the AA meeting is confidential, and then is like, “But maybe we can talk sometime?” Ugh.
Liz wants to do a profile of Tim for The Oracle, just like they do for all new students. Somehow, Penny has a “source” that told her about Tim’s booze drinkin’, car stealin’ ways, and the “source” probably won’t keep it secret for long. I have no idea who could possibly know that stuff, and I'm telling you right now that we never find out. Plot Device ahoy.
Amanda makes Sara introduce her to Tim. Sara was supposed to give Tim a tour of Sweet Valley, but she bails. Amanda nicely offers to show Tim around, and even though Sara desperately and obviously attempts to cockblock him, Tim agrees. Amanda thinks Sara is acting like a freakshow.
Tim looks happy when he comes home, and promises he didn’t say anything about reform school to Amanda. He does encourage Sara to confess to Amanda, though, because he can see that the lie is putting a strain on their friendship. Mama Sara invites Sara to an Al-Anon meeting, but Sara says no. Then she freaks out when Tim mentions the profile of him Liz is writing for The Oracle. Sara doesn’t like the idea of Tim being friends with Liz - probably because she’s such a nosy bitch - but is saved by the phone. It’s Unnecessary Bob, canceling another date.
Tim tells Liz that he stole a car and was in reform school, but Liz doesn’t mind. She thinks self-satisfied thoughts about how her vast journalistic experience has given her excellent instincts about people, and so she knows Tim is nice. Tim also tells her he has a learning disability and wants to be a mechanic. Liz is like, “But Sara said you run track and are going to Harvard!” Liz? He has already told you several times that Sara has been lying about him, even once earlier in this very same conversation. What the hell is the matter with you?
Tim gets a crush on Amanda, who likes him back, and they start spending time together. Sara feels left out and pissy: he’s the one who got in trouble, but she’s the one who’s left all alone! Tim picks Sara up from dance class and, as they drive to Guido’s to get a pizza for dinner, he’s all, “When will you believe I’ve changed?” She reminds him of all the times before when he’d promised to stop drinking and getting in trouble, and he was never telling the truth. But they do share a nice moment playing Golden Tee while they wait for the pizza to be done. Sara’s good mood is blown, though, when they get home and Amanda is there. Tim invites her to stay and Amanda happily agrees. Sara’s - say it with me! - pissy.
Tim’s not stupid: he gets that his sister feels like he’s taking her friend away. Later that night, Tim tells Sara that Amanda says she’s never had a better friend. Sara snots at him that Amanda would hate him if she knew what he was really like, and then blames him for their parents’ divorce. He’s like, “Are you new? They were fighting long before I started getting in trouble.” Sara storms off, even though Tim begs her to stay and talk things out with him. Deep down, though, Sara knows he’s right.
Liz PSAs to Jess about why women stay in abusive relationships. Jess should take notes. She’ll need them in a few years. But she doesn’t; she just accuses Liz of going to too many Triple A meetings. I’ll admit, it was kind of cheap, but I laughed.
That night at the Dairi Burger, Tim gushes to Liz and Todd how mind-blowingly amazing Crunch’s van is. Seriously? When 1BRUCE1 is parked in the very same parking lot, why is everyone flipping out over the purple lion van? I bet it doesn’t even have a paper cup dispenser! Apparently Todd and Tim are friends now. I dunno. The three kids hang out and then all go home at the same time. Todd tells Liz he’s heard the plot device rumors that Tim was in reform school and has a drinking problem, but he doesn’t care. Liz is smug.
The next morning, Sweet Valley’s Finest show up to take Tim to the station for questioning. Apparently someone stole Crunch’s superawesomefantastic purple van last night and Tim had been seen looking at it earlier. Seriously? That’s it? Tim points out that (a) he was home at eleven; (b) all he did was look at it, along with half the town’s teenagers; and (c) WTF? Who steals a purple van with a lion on the side? It’s not exactly inconspicuous. Where would you even hide such a thing? The police haul him in anyway, and Mama Sara calls the kids’ dad, who says he’ll fly right out, and then a lawyer, who is not Ned, for once. The police let Tim go later in the day because, after all, they have absolutely no evidence that he even touched the van. This is stupid.
Tim shuts himself in his room, and Sara hears him talking urgently to someone on the phone. A little while later, a college kid shows up asking for Tim. When Sara asks who he is, their mom is all, “I dunno, Tim’s sponsor, I think.” How good of her to be aware of one of the most important people in Tim’s life. Papa Sara shows up, and Tim insists that he didn’t steal the van. Their dad believes him.
Sara wants to believe him too, but he’s lied to her too many times in the past. Tim’s sympathetic: he tells her he knows it’s not easy being his sister, and encourages her to go to Alateen. Sara’s like, “I don’t need a meeting, there’s nothing wrong with me,” and Tim goes, “Except for how you’re lying to all your friends and now your life is falling apart because you won’t trust anyone. Not normal.”
At school, Crunch and some thugs are waiting for Tim in the parking lot. When Tim gets out of the car, Todd walks over to stand by him. I half hope we’re about to get some punching action - Todd owes Crunch for putting Liz in a coma, at least - but alas, no. Crunch punches Tim, splitting his lip. Tim pauses just long enough to tell Todd not to join in, and then Tim and Crunch start going at it. Not like that. (Though if it were like that, isn’t it nice to know that Project Youth has a support group?) Mr. Collins If You’re Nasty pulls them apart, kicks Crunch off the school property, and hauls Tim into the office. Sara’s all, “Hot. Now he’ll get sent home from school for fighting too.”
Amanda’s furious that Sara hadn’t told her about Tim’s past. Sara feels guilty for not trusting her best friend. Amanda storms away, and St. Liz, who had been watching the whole thing, gets her nose up in Sara’s business all, “If you need to talk to someone, let me know.” Sara realizes she needs to stop feeling sorry for herself and, almost against her will, she feels kind of proud of Tim for bravely standing up to Crunch.
That night, Papa Sara takes the family out for a fancy dinner and then he and Tim go for a drive. Sara asks if her parents are getting back together, and her mom is like, “Yeah, no.” Mama Sara tells Sara that, even though her dad has been remote and mostly absent for her entire life, he’s trying now and she shouldn’t shut him out. I would want an apology from him if I were Sara, but apparently she’s not entitled to that.
Unnecessary Bob comes by and dumps Sara for having a criminal brother: “My dad’s an important man in this town.” Is not. We’ve never heard of him before, and we never will again. Bob leaves, and Sara goes to the back yard and plays on the swings.
No, seriously, that’s what she does.
Tim comes home and Sara tells him she was dumped. Tim says Bob was an idiot, and then calls Amanda, who won’t come to the phone. Tim’s like, “Maybe she and Bob should get together.” Sara’s not amused. Apparently their dad wants to take Tim back to Connecticut for good, and he’s tempted to say yes since Sara hates having him around so much. I think he wants Sara to disagree, but she’s just like, “Whatever.”
Sara tries to apologize to Amanda for not telling her about Tim, and Amanda is pissed, because they were best friends and Sara should’ve trusted her. Sara’s like, “I was afraid you wouldn’t like me anymore,” and Amanda’s even more furious that Sara thought she was that kind of person. Sara confesses that Tim only lied because Sara made him, and Amanda’s all, “Bye, bitch.” She storms off, and St. Liz slides right in. I think she lurks, you guys, spying on people, just waiting for that moment when she can get all up in things that aren't her business.
Anyhow, Liz tells Sara about the Oracle article she’s been researching, and asks if Sara wants to come to an Alateen meeting with her after school. Her mom and Tim have been begging her to do this the whole book and Sara’s never even considered it, but all it takes is a sympathetic look and shoulder pat from Elizabeth fucking Wakefield, and Sara agrees right away. Liz tells Sara that the other kids at school aren’t ignoring her, they just don’t know what to say to someone who’s so upset. Sara thinks gratefully that Elizabeth is the only friend she has left. I gag.
On the way home, Liz meddles tritely in Sara’s business some more all: “Amanda’s just upset right now, she needs time to work things out for herself,” and “The more you go to the meetings, the more their help can sink in.” Sara asks, “How did you get to be so smart?” Hey, Sara? She's really not.
Sara and her dad go for a walk, and he asks for a second chance, because he knows he hasn’t really been there for her. She agrees. Then he tells her that he has joined the proud club of Sweet Valley parents who marry someone their kid has never met. He’s engaged to some chick in Connecticut, and Sara says she’s happy for him. Then it turns out her mom has a secret boyfriend too, who lives in LA and has a helicopter. No, seriously.
Sara realizes that Tim may or may not have stolen the van, but he has had a very horrible couple of days, but has just kept talking to his sponsor and going to meetings. He hasn’t had a single drink, so that does count for something.
Sara goes to another Alateen meeting and learns about taking responsibility for her choices. St. Liz strikes again!
Mama Sara goes out of town on business and Papa Sara goes back to Connecticut. First, though, he stops by the house to let Sara know that they found the supercalifragilistic purple van: it had been taken by a car thief in a neighboring town. Probably Big Mesa. He leaves for the airport, and Sara finds a note from Tim all, “I’m going back to CT with dad. I told him and mom not to let you know, because I wanted to passive aggressively inform you in a letter once it was too late for you to stop me.”
So Sara is going to be all alone in the house for the next few days? That happened to another Sarah once, with disastrous consequences. Three cheers for responsible parenting.
Sara goes to the airport and sprints to the gate like the moppet in Love Actually. She pulls Tim out of the boarding line and begs him to stay. While they’re talking, Papa Sara just gets on the plane without even saying goodbye or waiting to see whether his son is coming after all or anything. What a douche. Sara begs Tim to give her a second chance, and says she’s made chili for dinner. Tim’s sold. That was easy. They turn around and realize their dad is gone, but don’t even seem to care, based on their “witty” “banter” all the way home.
Sara encourages Tim to get back with Amanda, but Tim’s all, “Yeah, no. I really don’t see that happening, since I lied to her for weeks.”
Liz finishes her article, and Penny’s like, “I don’t even need to read it. It’s sensitive and insightful and fabulous!” Don’t feed her delusions, Penny. Liz tries to talk about how hard it was to be around so many suffering people, and Penny babbles about how compassionate and amazing Liz is. I tune out.
When Liz gets home, Jess is depressed because she has to miss a date to do a Miss Teen Sweet Valley thing. Liz teases her, and Jess is like, “If you think it’s easy being somebody, you just try it.” Liz gets the best line in the book when she replies, “I’ll have to remember that if I ever amount to anything.” Then she doormats that she’ll do the MTSV thing so Jess can go on her date, so she has to put on the crown and sash and pass out cheese at the mall. Cheese. No, I don’t get it either. Sara sees her and realizes right away that it’s Liz, which is depressing because their own mother isn’t even that good at telling them apart. Liz is in a shitty mood because women keep coming up to her and lecturing her about the sexism of beauty pageants. It does not give her any perspective at all on how obnoxious she was to Jessica about it; she just feels like an aggrieved feminist. I have very little patience for Elizabeth Wakefield.
Crunch waits for Tim in the school parking lot again to apologize (he says that part of his problem with Tim is that he was jealous over Amanda), and they shake hands. Sara asks if this means they’re friends now, and Tim is like, “I hate that guy.” Hee.
Amanda decides to forgive Sara. They’re best friends again. Aw. So, of course, they sit with Liz and Enid at lunch. Jess and Liz are having a pool party. Tim walks up, and Amanda runs away. Sara chases her into the bathroom and asks her to give Tim another chance. Amanda feels like shit, though. She’s like, “I can’t. He’s going to think I’m a sucky friend because I wouldn’t talk to him after he got arrested.” Sara’s like, “Whatever. He’s totally in lurve with you.”
Tim and Amanda make out. Not in the girls’ bathroom; he waits for her to come out. Not in the Tom McKay way, in the regular way. Using the door.
Unnecessary Bob tries to ask Sara to the Wakefields’ party with him, and she blows him off. He runs away. Amanda’s like, “No loss, I never liked him anyway.” She asks Sara if she minds going to the party without a date, and Sara’s like, “I choose me.”
They go to the pool party and everyone has fun.
The End. That was abrupt.
I would like to start off by wishing the Wakefield twins a very happy birthday. If those blonde haired, blue eyed Geminis were sixteen in 1983, that means Liz is turning 41 today, and four minutes later Jess will turn 29 for the twelfth time.
So, today I will be recapping #79, The Long Lost Brother. Except he was never lost. Not even for a moment, much less a long time.
Ooooh, but look! Tim gets his very own Elizabeth Wakefield Shoulder Squeeze of Meddling Condescension! So we know this book is going to be a Very Special Episode.
The book begins with Liz interviewing the lady who runs the local battered women’s shelter for an article in The Oracle. The lady invites Liz to the shelter, but warns her that its location has to be a secret for the safety of the people there. Then maybe you shouldn’t go telling a sixteen year old kid all about it, hm? When Jess picks Liz up, she snaps her gum and says, “These women’s husbands hit them? Bummer.” Just in case we were unclear on what battering meant, I guess.
Meanwhile Sara Eastborne and her best friend, Amanda Hayes, go to Sara’s house. (I believe they were in Jess’s modern dance class when she was gunning for Miss Teen Sweet Valley, but I have no actual proof of that. I just assume it because that old Russian teacher shows up again in this book to give them lessons.) Sara checks the mail and there is (a) a support check from her dad in Connecticut, which he had his secretary mail, and (b) a letter from her twin brother, Tim, which she hides and then tells herself, “Amanda can NEVER KNOW TIM’S SECRET!” I imagine her making Joey Tribbiani’s smell-the-fart soap opera face.
Sara’s mom comes home and is happy to hear from Tim. He’s taking a mechanic class through his local vocational school, and Mama Sara is like, “You know how much he loves cars.” Sara goes, “Yeah, that must be why he stole one.” Burn. Anyway, Mama Sara wants to talk about Tim, and how he’s turned his life around and is going to AA now. Oh, here we go. Mama tries to get Sara to go to an Alateen meeting, because she herself has been going to Al-Anon and thinks it’s helpful. She PSAs that alcoholism is a family disease, and if one person has it, the whole family gets sick. That’s nothing Sara couldn’t have learned in a week of reading Cary Tennis.
Sara has a date with her boyfriend, Bob Hillman. Bob is unnecessary. Couldn’t they have put her with Bruce or even Kirk Anderson, if she’s supposed to be dating a rich jerk? Probably not, because then Sara might get her boob touched, and this is a book about stealing cars and drinking too much, not premarital sex. She’s meeting Unnecessary Bob’s parents for the first time tonight, over dinner at the Country Club. It doesn’t go well. She’s spacing out about her brother, and Bob is all, “Snap out of it! I want my parents to see you at your best!” Pa Bob keeps jumping up from the table to go talk to business contacts, and Ma Bob goes on about..tanning beds? Or something? I don’t know. She keeps telling the kids how important it is to “project a suitable image,” which makes me guess the Bobs are totally nouveau. That is not something Marie Patman ever frets about, is all I’m saying. They don’t like Sara, and Bob is kind of pissed that she wasn’t more charming. He does invite her to Miss Lila’s beach party the next day, though, and tells her to wear her new white bikini because, “I want all the other guys to wish you were their girlfriend.” Um. Is that normal? Sara thinks it’s kind of weird, but she does not have the Gift of Fear so she ignores her instincts and doesn’t dump Bob like I would’ve.
The next day, Sara talks on the phone a lot. Tim calls from his reform school to talk to their mom and she eavesdrops on the extension, noting that he sounds sad and lonely. Then her mom leaves for work. Amanda calls to make shopping plans, but Sara can’t because of Lila’s party. Amanda was invited too but doesn’t feel like going, since she thinks Lila is superficial and snobby. That’s because you don’t know her like we do! Then her dad calls, and the exchange is basically like:
Dad: Is your mom home?
Sara: She’s at work.
Dad: Okay, I’ll call her there. Bye.
Sara: Bye.
I’m glad the ghostwriter wasted ink on that.
Jess has to put on her Miss Teen Sweet Valley gown and crown to cut the ribbon at a new bowling alley. She doesn’t want to, though, and tries to get Liz to switch places with her, but Liz can’t because she and Enid are going to the battered women’s shelter. Later, at the beach party, a volleyball hits Unnecessary Bob in the head because he’s checking Jessica out instead of paying attention to the game. Then Bob gets pissed at Sara for seeming distracted at the party. When Sara gets home, her mom is like, “Guess what! Tim is being let out of reform school and coming to live with us!” Sara is not pleased.
After dance class, the girls go to the mall and Amanda tries to get Sara to tell her why she’s been so distracted and unhappy lately. Sara’s all, “SHE MUST NEVER LEARN TIM’S SECRET!” Whatever. This actually happens about a thousand times in the next few chapters. Sara does tell Amanda that Tim is coming to live with them for a bit, and then remembers Darlene, her best friend from Connecticut. When Tim was arrested for stealing the car, Darlene stopped talking to Sara and, because she was popular, everyone else in school did too. She’ll just die if the same thing happens in Sweet Valley!
I wouldn’t worry too much. Nobody seems to mind that Enid used to be a meth addict who once ran over a little kid while high. Todd assaults someone every other book, but everyone thinks he’s the nicest boy in school. Also, stealing a car is small time compared to attempted rape, and everyone still likes Bruce just fine. (Let’s not forget that Lila has not yet Gone Home With John, by which time the SVH kids seem to have caught their snap and realized that rape is bad. At the moment, Enid, Dear Sister, and the Toddpunches are really all we have to go on for the Sweet Valley citizens’ views on violent crime.)
A gentleman named Crunch McAllister chats the girls up. We learn that he has been crazy about Amanda for ages, but Amanda thinks he’s dumb. He offers to give them a ride home in his van, described as one of the most awesome cars in Sweet Valley. I assume he’s had the Elizabeth-shaped dent fixed. This supercool van is purple and has a roaring lion painted on the side.
Let’s just sit back and let that image soak in for a moment, shall we?
The girls decline, of course, and run away.
Liz decides to expand her article to talk about how families with other troubles besides battering can get help too. A social worker at Project Youth gives her a short history of twelve step programs. I have no idea if it’s accurate or not, and I don’t really care to look it up. The social worker tells Liz, “Sure, you can totally sit in on our group therapies and all the twelve step meetings you want and then write about them in your school paper! Nobody will mind! There’s one starting right now!” Liz asks what the topic is, and the lady’s all, “You’ll see!” She marches Liz into a room, and the first person Liz sees is Tom McGay. She plops down next to him and listens to the gay kid therapy group. That must not make poor Tom feel awkward at all.
Sara and Unnecessary Bob walk into Sara’s house and Tim is there. Sara kind of hustles Tim away all, “I thought you weren’t coming until tonight. Go away.” Super subtle. Tim plays along, but tells Sara he’d like to talk to her later. Bob thinks Tim’s shoes were fabulous (no seriously, I’m not making that up), and doesn’t understand why Sara doesn’t seem happy to see him. Sara thinks about confessing, but decides Bob would be like the kids in Connecticut, so she just tells him she and Tim don’t get along. After Bob leaves, Tim tells Sara he has to see a probation officer in Sweet Valley as a condition of his moving there. Sara’s pissy.
The next morning, Mama Sara takes Sara for a walk to talk to her about Tim. Tim needs them to stand by him, and she wants Sara to put the past behind her and forgive her brother. She points out, “If you got into trouble, wouldn’t you want Tim and me to stand by you? As long as he’s trying to straighten out his life, we owe him that.” Mama Sara overshares about how Papa Sara is emotionally closed off and unable to be there for Tim. Um. What? Not an appropriate topic of conversation with your teenage daughter, lady. Criticizing your ex to the kids is shitty and manipulative. Sara doesn’t want to give Tim a second chance to hurt her.
Jess begs Liz to be Miss Teen Sweet Valley at a Women’s Club luncheon. Liz points out that she could always call the runner up to fill in, and Jess is like, “NEVER!” So, there’s that.
Sara calls Project Youth and spills the whole situation to Amy’s boyfriend Barry. After she gets it all out, she asks what she should do. Barry’s all, “Yeah, we don’t give advice. Bye now!” That was helpful.
Unnecessary Bob breaks some dates with lame excuses.
Tim tries to talk to Sara about her dancing and friends, and Sara’s like, “Yeah, my friends are great. Too bad you’re going to drive them all away like you did last time.” Tim feels guilty. Sara makes him promise he won’t tell anyone about reform school. She told everyone at SVH that he went to boarding school, was a track star and first in his class, and is going to Harvard. He’s like, “But I was in jail and I want to be a mechanic.” Sara’s all, “Not my problem.” Tim’s unhappy because AA teaches that he has to be honest about his past, but he agrees to lie to the kids at school to make up to Sara for being in jail. No, I don’t understand it either.
Liz goes to an AA meeting. There is much, “My name is Whatever, and I’m an alcoholic!” “Hi, Whatever!” Liz has apparently never watched TV or seen a movie, because the fact that AA meetings are run this way is complete news to her. Tim is one of the people there. He tells the group about his situation with his sister, and Liz sanctimoniously thinks about how great she and Steve and Jess are, that they’ve never been ashamed of each other. Probably because she doesn’t know about Steve’s weird infatuation with Jess, and is in denial about Jess’s sociopathy.
Tim hits on Liz after the meeting, naturally. They exchange about three sentences before he’s asking her to dump Todd. She declines, but is all, “We can be friends! I’ll introduce you around school on Monday!” Tim is sad - it should be Sara introducing him - but glad to have made a friend anyway.
At school, Todd and Tim get along. Sara won’t talk to Tim. Liz realizes Sara is the sister Tim was talking about at the meeting - fucking duh, does he have another one? - and thinks judgy, sanctimonious thoughts about how Tim deserves Sara’s support, not her anger. Tim anxiously reminds Liz that everything she heard at the AA meeting is confidential, and then is like, “But maybe we can talk sometime?” Ugh.
Liz wants to do a profile of Tim for The Oracle, just like they do for all new students. Somehow, Penny has a “source” that told her about Tim’s booze drinkin’, car stealin’ ways, and the “source” probably won’t keep it secret for long. I have no idea who could possibly know that stuff, and I'm telling you right now that we never find out. Plot Device ahoy.
Amanda makes Sara introduce her to Tim. Sara was supposed to give Tim a tour of Sweet Valley, but she bails. Amanda nicely offers to show Tim around, and even though Sara desperately and obviously attempts to cockblock him, Tim agrees. Amanda thinks Sara is acting like a freakshow.
Tim looks happy when he comes home, and promises he didn’t say anything about reform school to Amanda. He does encourage Sara to confess to Amanda, though, because he can see that the lie is putting a strain on their friendship. Mama Sara invites Sara to an Al-Anon meeting, but Sara says no. Then she freaks out when Tim mentions the profile of him Liz is writing for The Oracle. Sara doesn’t like the idea of Tim being friends with Liz - probably because she’s such a nosy bitch - but is saved by the phone. It’s Unnecessary Bob, canceling another date.
Tim tells Liz that he stole a car and was in reform school, but Liz doesn’t mind. She thinks self-satisfied thoughts about how her vast journalistic experience has given her excellent instincts about people, and so she knows Tim is nice. Tim also tells her he has a learning disability and wants to be a mechanic. Liz is like, “But Sara said you run track and are going to Harvard!” Liz? He has already told you several times that Sara has been lying about him, even once earlier in this very same conversation. What the hell is the matter with you?
Tim gets a crush on Amanda, who likes him back, and they start spending time together. Sara feels left out and pissy: he’s the one who got in trouble, but she’s the one who’s left all alone! Tim picks Sara up from dance class and, as they drive to Guido’s to get a pizza for dinner, he’s all, “When will you believe I’ve changed?” She reminds him of all the times before when he’d promised to stop drinking and getting in trouble, and he was never telling the truth. But they do share a nice moment playing Golden Tee while they wait for the pizza to be done. Sara’s good mood is blown, though, when they get home and Amanda is there. Tim invites her to stay and Amanda happily agrees. Sara’s - say it with me! - pissy.
Tim’s not stupid: he gets that his sister feels like he’s taking her friend away. Later that night, Tim tells Sara that Amanda says she’s never had a better friend. Sara snots at him that Amanda would hate him if she knew what he was really like, and then blames him for their parents’ divorce. He’s like, “Are you new? They were fighting long before I started getting in trouble.” Sara storms off, even though Tim begs her to stay and talk things out with him. Deep down, though, Sara knows he’s right.
Liz PSAs to Jess about why women stay in abusive relationships. Jess should take notes. She’ll need them in a few years. But she doesn’t; she just accuses Liz of going to too many Triple A meetings. I’ll admit, it was kind of cheap, but I laughed.
That night at the Dairi Burger, Tim gushes to Liz and Todd how mind-blowingly amazing Crunch’s van is. Seriously? When 1BRUCE1 is parked in the very same parking lot, why is everyone flipping out over the purple lion van? I bet it doesn’t even have a paper cup dispenser! Apparently Todd and Tim are friends now. I dunno. The three kids hang out and then all go home at the same time. Todd tells Liz he’s heard the plot device rumors that Tim was in reform school and has a drinking problem, but he doesn’t care. Liz is smug.
The next morning, Sweet Valley’s Finest show up to take Tim to the station for questioning. Apparently someone stole Crunch’s superawesomefantastic purple van last night and Tim had been seen looking at it earlier. Seriously? That’s it? Tim points out that (a) he was home at eleven; (b) all he did was look at it, along with half the town’s teenagers; and (c) WTF? Who steals a purple van with a lion on the side? It’s not exactly inconspicuous. Where would you even hide such a thing? The police haul him in anyway, and Mama Sara calls the kids’ dad, who says he’ll fly right out, and then a lawyer, who is not Ned, for once. The police let Tim go later in the day because, after all, they have absolutely no evidence that he even touched the van. This is stupid.
Tim shuts himself in his room, and Sara hears him talking urgently to someone on the phone. A little while later, a college kid shows up asking for Tim. When Sara asks who he is, their mom is all, “I dunno, Tim’s sponsor, I think.” How good of her to be aware of one of the most important people in Tim’s life. Papa Sara shows up, and Tim insists that he didn’t steal the van. Their dad believes him.
Sara wants to believe him too, but he’s lied to her too many times in the past. Tim’s sympathetic: he tells her he knows it’s not easy being his sister, and encourages her to go to Alateen. Sara’s like, “I don’t need a meeting, there’s nothing wrong with me,” and Tim goes, “Except for how you’re lying to all your friends and now your life is falling apart because you won’t trust anyone. Not normal.”
At school, Crunch and some thugs are waiting for Tim in the parking lot. When Tim gets out of the car, Todd walks over to stand by him. I half hope we’re about to get some punching action - Todd owes Crunch for putting Liz in a coma, at least - but alas, no. Crunch punches Tim, splitting his lip. Tim pauses just long enough to tell Todd not to join in, and then Tim and Crunch start going at it. Not like that. (Though if it were like that, isn’t it nice to know that Project Youth has a support group?) Mr. Collins If You’re Nasty pulls them apart, kicks Crunch off the school property, and hauls Tim into the office. Sara’s all, “Hot. Now he’ll get sent home from school for fighting too.”
Amanda’s furious that Sara hadn’t told her about Tim’s past. Sara feels guilty for not trusting her best friend. Amanda storms away, and St. Liz, who had been watching the whole thing, gets her nose up in Sara’s business all, “If you need to talk to someone, let me know.” Sara realizes she needs to stop feeling sorry for herself and, almost against her will, she feels kind of proud of Tim for bravely standing up to Crunch.
That night, Papa Sara takes the family out for a fancy dinner and then he and Tim go for a drive. Sara asks if her parents are getting back together, and her mom is like, “Yeah, no.” Mama Sara tells Sara that, even though her dad has been remote and mostly absent for her entire life, he’s trying now and she shouldn’t shut him out. I would want an apology from him if I were Sara, but apparently she’s not entitled to that.
Unnecessary Bob comes by and dumps Sara for having a criminal brother: “My dad’s an important man in this town.” Is not. We’ve never heard of him before, and we never will again. Bob leaves, and Sara goes to the back yard and plays on the swings.
No, seriously, that’s what she does.
Tim comes home and Sara tells him she was dumped. Tim says Bob was an idiot, and then calls Amanda, who won’t come to the phone. Tim’s like, “Maybe she and Bob should get together.” Sara’s not amused. Apparently their dad wants to take Tim back to Connecticut for good, and he’s tempted to say yes since Sara hates having him around so much. I think he wants Sara to disagree, but she’s just like, “Whatever.”
Sara tries to apologize to Amanda for not telling her about Tim, and Amanda is pissed, because they were best friends and Sara should’ve trusted her. Sara’s like, “I was afraid you wouldn’t like me anymore,” and Amanda’s even more furious that Sara thought she was that kind of person. Sara confesses that Tim only lied because Sara made him, and Amanda’s all, “Bye, bitch.” She storms off, and St. Liz slides right in. I think she lurks, you guys, spying on people, just waiting for that moment when she can get all up in things that aren't her business.
Anyhow, Liz tells Sara about the Oracle article she’s been researching, and asks if Sara wants to come to an Alateen meeting with her after school. Her mom and Tim have been begging her to do this the whole book and Sara’s never even considered it, but all it takes is a sympathetic look and shoulder pat from Elizabeth fucking Wakefield, and Sara agrees right away. Liz tells Sara that the other kids at school aren’t ignoring her, they just don’t know what to say to someone who’s so upset. Sara thinks gratefully that Elizabeth is the only friend she has left. I gag.
On the way home, Liz meddles tritely in Sara’s business some more all: “Amanda’s just upset right now, she needs time to work things out for herself,” and “The more you go to the meetings, the more their help can sink in.” Sara asks, “How did you get to be so smart?” Hey, Sara? She's really not.
Sara and her dad go for a walk, and he asks for a second chance, because he knows he hasn’t really been there for her. She agrees. Then he tells her that he has joined the proud club of Sweet Valley parents who marry someone their kid has never met. He’s engaged to some chick in Connecticut, and Sara says she’s happy for him. Then it turns out her mom has a secret boyfriend too, who lives in LA and has a helicopter. No, seriously.
Sara realizes that Tim may or may not have stolen the van, but he has had a very horrible couple of days, but has just kept talking to his sponsor and going to meetings. He hasn’t had a single drink, so that does count for something.
Sara goes to another Alateen meeting and learns about taking responsibility for her choices. St. Liz strikes again!
Mama Sara goes out of town on business and Papa Sara goes back to Connecticut. First, though, he stops by the house to let Sara know that they found the supercalifragilistic purple van: it had been taken by a car thief in a neighboring town. Probably Big Mesa. He leaves for the airport, and Sara finds a note from Tim all, “I’m going back to CT with dad. I told him and mom not to let you know, because I wanted to passive aggressively inform you in a letter once it was too late for you to stop me.”
So Sara is going to be all alone in the house for the next few days? That happened to another Sarah once, with disastrous consequences. Three cheers for responsible parenting.
Sara goes to the airport and sprints to the gate like the moppet in Love Actually. She pulls Tim out of the boarding line and begs him to stay. While they’re talking, Papa Sara just gets on the plane without even saying goodbye or waiting to see whether his son is coming after all or anything. What a douche. Sara begs Tim to give her a second chance, and says she’s made chili for dinner. Tim’s sold. That was easy. They turn around and realize their dad is gone, but don’t even seem to care, based on their “witty” “banter” all the way home.
Sara encourages Tim to get back with Amanda, but Tim’s all, “Yeah, no. I really don’t see that happening, since I lied to her for weeks.”
Liz finishes her article, and Penny’s like, “I don’t even need to read it. It’s sensitive and insightful and fabulous!” Don’t feed her delusions, Penny. Liz tries to talk about how hard it was to be around so many suffering people, and Penny babbles about how compassionate and amazing Liz is. I tune out.
When Liz gets home, Jess is depressed because she has to miss a date to do a Miss Teen Sweet Valley thing. Liz teases her, and Jess is like, “If you think it’s easy being somebody, you just try it.” Liz gets the best line in the book when she replies, “I’ll have to remember that if I ever amount to anything.” Then she doormats that she’ll do the MTSV thing so Jess can go on her date, so she has to put on the crown and sash and pass out cheese at the mall. Cheese. No, I don’t get it either. Sara sees her and realizes right away that it’s Liz, which is depressing because their own mother isn’t even that good at telling them apart. Liz is in a shitty mood because women keep coming up to her and lecturing her about the sexism of beauty pageants. It does not give her any perspective at all on how obnoxious she was to Jessica about it; she just feels like an aggrieved feminist. I have very little patience for Elizabeth Wakefield.
Crunch waits for Tim in the school parking lot again to apologize (he says that part of his problem with Tim is that he was jealous over Amanda), and they shake hands. Sara asks if this means they’re friends now, and Tim is like, “I hate that guy.” Hee.
Amanda decides to forgive Sara. They’re best friends again. Aw. So, of course, they sit with Liz and Enid at lunch. Jess and Liz are having a pool party. Tim walks up, and Amanda runs away. Sara chases her into the bathroom and asks her to give Tim another chance. Amanda feels like shit, though. She’s like, “I can’t. He’s going to think I’m a sucky friend because I wouldn’t talk to him after he got arrested.” Sara’s like, “Whatever. He’s totally in lurve with you.”
Tim and Amanda make out. Not in the girls’ bathroom; he waits for her to come out. Not in the Tom McKay way, in the regular way. Using the door.
Unnecessary Bob tries to ask Sara to the Wakefields’ party with him, and she blows him off. He runs away. Amanda’s like, “No loss, I never liked him anyway.” She asks Sara if she minds going to the party without a date, and Sara’s like, “I choose me.”
They go to the pool party and everyone has fun.
The End. That was abrupt.