SVH #57 Teacher Crush; or To Sir, With Love
“I am sick of your foul language, your crude behaviour, and your sluttish manner.” --To Sir, With Love
Okay, this week I go where Sidney Poitier fears to tread. A bunch of class cutting, sanitary napkin burning, East End hoods have nothing on the sweet valley gang. In book #57 Teacher Crush, Jessica pretty much lays off Elizabeth, who puts her doormat in storage. I kind of miss Jessica screwing over Liz for whatever cardboard cutout hunk happens to mosey along at the time. When Jessica was dating Bruce you just knew she would have pulled a Karla and Paul Bernardo on her precious sister if he asked. Anything to please her man. (Oh, and poor Jeffy doesn’t realise it’s only a book or two until his execution date). But I digress.
The book begins with our favourite sociopath Jessica sitting with the gang at lunch, musing about the two week mini-courses which are about to start at Sweet Valley High. SVH has taken a page from The Baby-Sitter Club, and have devised exotically named classes which happen over the course of one book and then are never mentioned ever again. Which is just a thinly veiled excuse to throw a new teacher into the works without ever having to follow up with his character in later books and pesky things like characterisation and realism. Lila is taking Dress Design; Elizabeth, Enid, and Olivia are taking Painting, Jeffy is taking Electronics, and Jessica can’t make up her mind. Lila jokes that Jessica should teach a class called “boys and dating.” And Amy decides to get her bitch on and idly murmurs, if it’s Jessica then it would be called “advanced boys and dating.” Burn! Well, I say, if the slut fits…Lila yadda yaddas about how her dad is dating some Hollywood star. Then the gang splits up to go to classes where they don’t ever seem to do anything but write crude euphemisms about Nora Dalton on the blackboard.
(insert the classic twinsperfectsizesixmatchingblondhairandblueeyes intro passage, pause to pinch yourself and wake up, and continue)
In this book Elizabeth seems to only exist in three places (Case Wakefield, the art classroom, and the Oracle offices) at any one time. Jeffrey spins the Where Is Elizabeth wheel, grabs a plush toy prize, and goes to find her at the Oracle. In between their PG smoochiness, they fail to realise they only rate a mention in chapter one in order to introduce Olivia into the plot. Enter Olivia (insert freespiritfrizzyhairweirdoclothes passage). Olivia proceeds to monopolise pages of the book wailing why, why doesn’t she have a boyfriend *cough friendofElizabeth cough* Somehow Olivia segues into a comment about Sweet Valley’s teenage coupledom being like Noah’s Arc. Like God would even bother to save Sweet Valley’s gene pool if waters ever started to rise. Still hmm, two of everything, you say:
Perfect size six's: Jess and Liz
Bitches: Amy and Lila
Riches: Bruce and Lila
Nerds: Enid and Lois
In the closet duo: Tom McKay and Jeffrey
Inept parents: Ned and Alice
Overly attentive males: Mr Collins and Steven
Boob-grabbers: Bruce and Scott Daniels
Boobs: Jess’s leftie and Liz’s rightie
Hot as hell psychotics: Suzanne and Margo
Cars: 1bruce1 and a lime green Triumph
...I could go on forever.
Later, Elizabeth trips over what she mistakes for her shadow, then notices Enid. They fail to realise, like everyone else in this book, that all they talk about is Olivia. Oh, for an instance of subtle plotting. Oh poor Olivia, no boyfriend, no existence, she may as well find a quarter and head for the nearest suicide booth. Somewhere out in the world Germaine Greer is crying over Sweet Valley women. Out the front of school they see Olivia, but all Olivia can see are the teenage couples. The gang heads inside to find out what mini-course they got into.
Everyone pretty much gets what they want…except Jessica shock horror. I though this series was based on the degenerate sociopath getting what she wants whenever she wants. She’s stuck in the electronics class. What ever will her poor addled brain come up with for a class project? Amy, in the rare instance where the lights were on and somebody was home, suggests (while looking directly at Lila) “Maybe Jessica can make one of those electronic devices that beep if you try to leave a store without having the tag removed from your purchase.” Snap! Someone's been eating her wheaties. Amy, you make me love you in a way that sometimes two women do that isn’t sanctioned by the church. Then all the girls pause to drool at the hottie hotness of the new painting teacher, Mr Call Me Stuart (Bachman).
In the first art class, Olivia is obsessed with Stuart. And Elizabeth and Enid, lacking any in depth characterisation, are obsessed with whatever Olivia is doing. They have cornered the market on ‘knowing looks’ and will make a million before the year is out. While in the electronics workshop, Jessica is reacting to all the nerds populating the class like Kate Capshaw did in the creepy crawly bug tomb in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Ah, that Jess, she’s all class. She wants to quit her electronics course because her partner, Randy Mason, is shorter than her and wears a calculator in his back pocket. And he has the indecency not to check-out her rack. It’s almost enough to make her cry. Yep. I shit you not. Although, just like Jessica Rabbit, maybe Jess isn’t such a bad person, she’s just written that way.
Olivia’s in LUV and proceeds to dog Stuart’s every step. Every Breath You Take is number 1 song on her Ipod and still she doesn’t get the irony. She dresses stylishly to please him (while Jessica and Lila have mini strokes that Liv has gone from Weirdo to Wow), buys the art magazines he likes, and talks about him to everyone. She helps him out before, during, and after art class. And just don’t ask me what she was helping him out with when he went to the men’s room to take a piss. Her dizzyheadedness over her teacher is enough to bring Caroline Pearce out of GossipGirl retirement. Caroline extricates the phone book she keeps tucked up in the ole ‘gina for emergencies, and tells half the country what a geek Olivia is. Elizabeth and Enid, who’s mantra is ‘Olivia acts, therefore we are’ are never further away than a meaningful eye contact. In fact, when Enid gives out some meaningful eye contact behind Elizabeth’s back, I imagine there will be hell to pay. This goes on for quite a few chapters.
St Elizabeth’s concern has gone all stalker-esque, and Olivia’s just plain gone stalker. She follows Stuart from there to here, from here to there, Olivia is every-bloody-where. All day and night, from right to left and left to right, she walked all night from near to far, by the light of the moon and the light of the star*. It's just...what happened to Olivia, seriously? Remember the early books where she wasn't just defined as Liz's weirdo friend, where she rocked the bohemian look, and where she had that boyfriend Roger and that was cool but being with a guy didn't consume her every waking moment? I mean, I gave Olivia so many points for mutually breaking up with Roger a few books back in such a non-Jessica style (no ill timed deaths) and in such a non-Elizabeth style (no multi-book drawn out inner monologues about 'should I be with TheTodd or should I be with Jeffy'). Olivia and Roger just sat down, and in an adult manner realised this relationship wasn't working out. Cool. Way to hack the arms and legs (and brain) off a pretty workable character, ghostwriter-of-the-week. (By the by, where is Roger these days? Considering he's blocking Bruce’s way to the Patman fortune, I think he smartly got the hell out of dodge.)
Before long Olivia’s scrawling Stuart Bachman’s name ten feet tall on walls and noting that his maturity’s taken her from crayons to perfume. She’s scammed Stuart’s home address and phone number, phones his answering machine just to hear his voice, and has stuck his picture up in her room. She blows off her work at the Oracle, and when Elizabeth tries to talk to her about it, she cock blocks (vagina blocks?) Elizabeth before she can speak. Meanwhile Jessica is just as tired of the Lila’s daddy dating a Hollywood star subplot as I am, and comes up with a way to shut Lila down and complete her electronics project at the same time: make a lie detector.
Olivia goes into a mild conniption at the thought of being away from Stuart for the weekend, and in a Jessica worthy move, worms her way into spending some ‘private’ time with him on Monday after school. Somewhere out there Mr Collins is giving Stuart a mental high-five. But even this isn’t enough, and on Saturday she nips over to his apartment for a bit of pre-breakfast stalking. Jessica has her own boundary issues, and after a few bats of her eyelashes, she has Randy Mason doing her electronics project for her. Why is it when I bat my eyelashes at guys, they don’t think I’m cute, but wonder if I have a neurological condition?
At the ‘private’ meeting on Monday, Olivia and Stuart spend the time at Riverside Art Academy, while he gives a speech. Then Stuart takes her shopping and Liv thinks this is The Best Date Ever. Uh, sure…He’s trying to pick out a present for a ‘very, special person’ and since Olivia’s birthday’s coming up, she just about has an orgasm right in the store, thinking the present is for her. Later on, Rod Sullivan calls Olivia at home, and she’s like ‘Rod who?’ I feel the same way. I’ve never heard of Rod Sullivan. The next day at school, he asks her to go to the movies, but she says she’ll be too busy picking china patterns for her and Stuart’s wedding in her head.
"Was this what falling in love was supposed to feel like, Olivia wondered." No, this is what soon you'll be slapped with a restraining order feels like, Liv. Well, at least she isn’t writing bad 60s stylin’ pop songs for him like Lulu. Olivia's so filled with the lust and thoughts of the sex and flustered about it all that she needs her mum to tell her how great she is (since no one else will). But I take points off for her mum's speech, because her mum had obviously been watching The Simpsons that day and had gotten her material from an episode--
Mr Burns: I specifically asked no geeks!
Milhouse: My mum thinks I'm cool.
Yeah, her mum thinks she’s a “great girl.” Don’t all mums do? Her mum finishes off with by noting she won’t plan anything big for Olivia’s birthday, if that’s what Olivia wants winkwink.
This is because Olivia thinks Stuart has something special planned for her birthday, especially after he invites her to his new art exhibition which is on the day of her birthday. The only thing she’s worried about is the wedding dress won’t be ready on time. All the while Olivia’s mum is planning her a surprise birthday party, and secretly inviting everyone (although, when phoning the twins she says she’ll probably cancel everything if the twins can’t come). Also, Olivia’s mum asks Elizabeth if she should invite Rod Sullivan, because naturally, she has no ability to mother a teenage girl unless Liz is right there beside her with a helping hand.
The Clumsiest Plot Device award goes to the scene where Lila is shopping/gossiping with Jessica and Amy. Lila goes into a sewing supplies store (WTF?!!?!) and overhears Winston’s mum, Mrs Egbert, talking about how TheTodd and his family are moving back to Sweet Valley. Yeah, that was subtle. Lila decides to keep the secret to herself and torture Jessica while chanting ‘I know something you don‘t know.’ That Lila’s just got class oozing from every orifice. Since she’s failing her clothes designing course because her sewing skills have mangled the dress she designed (and since Jessica conveniently owns a dress that matches Lila’s pattern exactly), Lila offers Jessica a trade: Jessica’s dress for Lila’s secret. Now Lila won’t have to wear her monstrosity in the runway show that is a part of the end-of-the-week in-school exhibition which is showing what the student learned in their mini-courses.
On the day of the exhibition, everyone is showing off their mini-course projects. Everyone worships at the alter of Lila and ‘her’ exquisite dress. Lila is especially happy as she nabbed Jessica’s dress that morning, but the bell rang before she had to divulge her secret. Jessica is a surprise hit with ‘her’ lie detector, giving Randy no credit for what is basically his project. After 56 books, why am I not surprised…*stupidstupidme* People are lined up to use it. But Jessica finally snares Lila into trying it, and thankfully, the Liladaddyhollywoodstarlet subplot is brought to a close. Lila’s bragging was true, her daddy is really dating a…blahblahblah. Jessica is shocked, we don’t care, enough already.
Olivia gets roped into trying the lie detector, and everyone shouts out to ask her about Stuart. She is annoyed her personal business has become public property (what a shocker, this is Sweet Valley after all). Her mild tizzy goes epic when she accuses Elizabeth of telling everyone about her and Stuart. Well, Olivia must have put on her dumb hat when leaving for school that morning, as Caroline Pearce is standing next to Elizabeth when Olivia goes into her rant. Then Olivia does what any self respecting teenage girl on a verbal bender does, she storms off in a huff looking like a two year old with a leaky nappy. Enid goes over to assure Elizabeth that Liz’s perfect and probably god incarnate and it was all Olivia’s fault anyway. Elizabeth adjusts her halo and say ‘I know.’
Outside it takes a while for Olivia to calm down. “She tried to tell herself it didn’t matter. After all…” by tonight she and Stuart would probably be in Barbados making babies in that non-sexual way the Sweet Valleyites have perfected. Olivia drives to Stuart’s art exhibition. When she arrives, a waiter offers her a “wine or seltzer?” Obviously, he doesn’t know she’s a Sweet Valley High student or he’d realise just one glass of the hard stuff would lead her down a rabbit hole with a totalled car and a dead friend at the other end. Olivia’s opts for a seltzer. Smart girl.
Olivia spots Stuart and is about to go squee! when a random blond woman possessively slips her arm through Stuart’s. Oh noes! What will happen to her shower-nozzle masturbation fantasies now it turns out Stuart is spoken for? Stuart’s girlfriend’s name is Monica, and she draws Olivia into a group of her friends to show off Stuart’s star pupil. They treat Olivia as though she is a cute, little pet: ‘“She’s adorable. Stuart was so sweet to invite her.” She makes it sound as though I’m in kindergarten, Olivia fumed…’ I can sympathise. At any notable functions, the guests treat me the same way when they find out I still read SVH. To make matters even worse Monica has the same birthday as Olivia, and the present Olivia and Stuart picked out when shopping was intended for Monica and not poor old Liv after all. This is Dear Diary material, and Olivia can’t wait to escape, run home, and cry.
Before she can run off, Stuart draws her aside and says he has a special surprise for her. He tells her “Whenever you feel that you're alone and there's nobody you can rely on, this is all you need to know.” Then he hands her a note that reads: You are Olivia Davidson. Just kidding, I seem to be channelling The Simpsons. Stuart has taken Olivia’s painting, her mini-course project, and has hung it in his art exhibition. Everyone thinks it’s hot stuff and Olivia gets to squee! after all. And because there’s only ten pages left in the book, she decides she’s over Stuart, and Monica can slip her arm through Stuart’s all she wants (maybe this is how babies are made in Sweet Valley. Lord knows, no one’s having the sex).
Olivia goes to Elizabeth’s house because, of course, a SVH book can’t end without Liz giving her 2 cents. Olivia has “learned a real lesson,” which she’ll proceed to forget for the remainder of the series. Then she goes home to what she assumes will be an empty house. SURPRISE!!!! 237 high school students clamber out from a living room closet and it’s party time. It’s a pity the Sweet Valley parties don’t look as fun as the ones at the end of every episode of Strangers With Candy. SVH really needs a Jerri Blank in their junior year. Olivia sheds a happy tear and is thrust into the arms of Rod Sullivan, who we'll probably never see in the SV series again. Olivia’s boyfriend problems are over, and Noah will now let her onto the Sweet Valley Arc.
Yay! All is well with the world. I have the will to live again.
There’s a few pages at the end where Jessica is showing off her lie detector and Elizabeth decides to give it a try. Lila decides this is the perfect time to reveal her secret knowledge that TheTodd is returning to Sweet Valley, and asks Elizabeth what she thinks about this juicy titbit of information. Elizabeth is understandably shocked and rushes off to moon over this revelation for the next few books. Read #58 Brokenhearted to see when Jeffrey becomes “Jeffy in the Road.”
Oh, and this weeks nomination for the Darwin Award: Lila for choosing to be in the clothing design course where she sewed the darts in backwards (or outside or upside down or something) on her dress and clean cut the hem off, when she could have just bought a million dresses on her daddy's credit card. I can just imagine Lila at home after a hard day at school, playing in her daddy’s money pile like Scrooge McDuck, a mound of money reaching clear to the ceiling. Whee!
* Got to give a shout out to Dr Seuss, who’s prose I used so eloquently to describe Olivia’s rampage after Stuart…now there’s a thought, Dr Seuss ghostwrites SVH.
And now I must toddle off into the foggy London afternoon, humming “If you wanted the sky, I would write across the sky in letters, that would soar a thousand feet high, to Sir, with love…”