The Unicorn Club # 13: Who Will Be Miss Unicorn?
The Unicorn Club # 13: Who Will Be Miss Unicorn?
I should start by pointing out that there is no Miss Unicorn pageant, so I don't know what the deal is with the title. Maybe "Who Will Be the Winner of the Sweet Valley Princess Beauty Pageant?" wouldn't fit on the cover.
Sorry about the crappy picture quality; it was the best I could do. The girls are wearing the dresses as they're described in the book, though, and are (from left to right) Ellen, Lila, Jessica, Kimberly, and bitchface Mandy. I find it hard to believe that Lila Fowler would allow the other girls to stand in front of her like that, blocking her awesomeness. Maybe this is only seconds before she leaps forward, clawing her way past the others. I'd like to see that cover.
The story is told from Mandy Miller's point of view, who is at a Unicorn meeting thinking about how perfect everything is even though Ellen Riteman is a ditz. Are there any Unicorn books that don't point this out in the first couple pages? I'm starting to think it's the equivalent of "identical down to their perfect size-six figures but really are so different" in the other SV books.
Anyway, according to Mandy everything is perfect because the Unicorns are now not so much about backstabbing and bitchiness and more about baby-sitting and saving the world in stretchy costumes. Cue Lila announcing she'll be entering the Sweet Valley Princess Beauty Pageant. The Unicorns (except Mandy) immediately start arguing about who will win. See, Mandy, it's like the Titanic. Everyone said it was unsinkable, and it sank. You said the Unicorns weren't bitchy any more, and, well. You just don't tempt fate, all right?
Mandy turns into SVH-era Elizabeth and condemns the pageant as sexist and degrading. The others ignore her, so Mandy goes home to complain to her family about it instead. Here we get our first-but not only, believe me-reminder that Mandy had weeklong cancer awhile back and we meet her older sister Cecelia, who is "so perfect I (Mandy) sometimes called her Saint Cecelia behind her back." Sorry, Cecelia, but Sweet Valley is only big enough for one saint.
That night, Mandy looks at herself in the mirror, refers to her week of cancer again, and thinks about how ugly she is. She's got freckles! Her nose turns upward! And her eyes are green like olives! She's obviously a total cow.
The next day in the cafeteria, Jessica is singing a Melody Powers song-badly. In a moment that's probably intended to explain the continuity problems of Jessica having a great/awful singing voice, Mandy muses that Jessica has a good singing voice when she stays in her own range, but not when she strays out of it. Too little, too late, ghosties. Unless you're going to explain the hundred and thirty-seven Christmases, I don't want to hear your rationalizations.
Anyway, this leads into a discussion about what the Unicorns (except Mandy) are going to do for their talents. Considering the competition is actually called a "beauty pageant" rather than "Miss Sweet Valley" or some other euphemism, I think the talent portion is a moot point. Oh, God, I'm starting to sound like Mandy/SVH Liz.
Mandy's day perks in up science class, when her lab partner is Peter DeHaven. He's the boy she has a crush on, having dated him a few months earlier, until they drifted apart. Mandy wonders if he still remembers her. After a couple months? Is he a goldfish?
Their project is to mix vinegar and baking soda, which I'm pretty certain has been done at least a dozen times throughout the Sweet Valley books. I guess every kids/YA series has to include it somewhere, though. It's probably required by law, right along with the eggs-as-babies project and the fake marriages.
Peter the Goldfish brings up the beauty pageant (what seventh grade boy actually cares about this?) and comments that it's just as well Mandy isn't entering because Jessica or Lila will probably win, anyway. Given his social skills, I think it's safe to say that Peter will never get laid in his life. Mandy is pissed...except of course she didn't care about the stupid pageant in the first place. I'm sure.
The other Unicorns recruit Mandy to help them with the pageant. Lila wants her to help make promotional posters, Kimberly needs help figuring out her talent, Ellen wants her to go dress shopping with her, and Jessica asks her to come along when she gets her hair cut. Mandy hates getting in the middle of the pageant stuff, but doormats anyway. Elizabeth is really getting out-Elizabethed in this book.
At lunch the next day, the Unicorns (except Mandy) get into another fight about the pageant. Mandy yells at them and says that from now on, she's neutral. "Think of me as Switzerland," she says. Mandy has chocolate, watches, and Nazi money?
Mandy goes dress shopping with Ellen, who is planning to play the tambourine for her talent. I really hope she's going to dance or something, too, because that sounds really weak. Ellen spends most of her time bad-mouthing the other girls (except Mandy), which seems unusually bitchy for her. It's still in character, though, because she does a really crappy job of it.
Ellen finally finds a dress she likes, tries it on, and loves it. Wait for it... Wait for it... And... Lila and Jessica step out of the dressing rooms wearing the same dress. Kimberly isn't there, because I guess her invitation to the synchronized dress wearing was lost in the mail. The girls (except Mandy) fight. Again.
Mandy storms off to Casey's to get some ice cream and runs into Peter there. He jokes that it's good that she's not in the pageant because that means she can eat whatever she wants. That one wasn't so bad, although he really needs to start talking about something other than beauty pageants, but Mandy overreacts and shoves her ice cream in his face. I kind of feel sorry for Peter here, but I'm mostly sad about all that wasted ice cream.
Mandy goes over to Kimberly's house later that day and finds out she's tried everything she can think of for her talent. Including playing the recorder, I might add. What is Sweet Valley's obsession with recorders? She can't even play it, anyway. Kimberly is screwed if she can't handle an instrument I mastered in the third grade. Mandy thinks otherwise, though, and she finally comes up with (and I'm not making this up, I swear) curling her hair to music. I guess it still beats Ellen's tambourine.
The next day, Mandy overhears Aaron Dallas, Jake Hamilton, Rick Hunter, and Tim Davis placing bets on which Unicorn would win the pageant. Seriously, why are these thirteen-year-old guys even interested in this stuff? Mandy is utterly offended when the boys ask Peter who he'll bet on. Jeez, Mandy, he didn't even bet. He just happened to be there. She storms off in a huff of Elizabeth-like self-righteousness to the bathroom, where she thinks about how ugly she is (she also has shoulder-length hair!) and reminds the readers once again that she used to have cancer. You know, in case anyone forgot.
After school, Kimberly runs up to tell her that the pageant rehearsal has been moved from four o'clock to seven o'clock. Mandy is happy that Kimberly at least cared enough about the others to pass along the message. We all know how this is going to end, right? Mandy doesn't even find it odd that the people running the pageant are using word-of-mouth to spread important scheduling information?
Mandy meets Elizabeth later to go to the day care center, explaining that Jessica decided to take advantage of the extra time to do pageant stuff and convinced Mandy to cover for her at the center. Elizabeth nods knowingly, probably thinking, "Can't say no to her either, huh?" Mandy asks Elizabeth if she thinks pageants are sexist, and she replies, "Yes and no," and even defends them. Jeez, I guess Elizabeth is taking the book off from being Elizabeth. Good thing she's got Mandy as an understudy.
At the day care center, the kids are playing dress-up and pretending to be beauty pageant contestants. Including Oliver, which is...disturbing. As Mandy and Elizabeth walk home, Mandy mentions Jessica's upcoming haircut and Elizabeth freaks out and bitches Jess out for it when they get to the Wakefield house. Maybe it's because I don't have a twin, but is it really that big a deal if one gets a haircut and the other doesn't? And didn't the Baby-Sitter's Club do a book like that?
Jessica and Elizabeth talk Mandy into going to the pageant even though (once again) she doesn't want to. Do we need a "Mandy the Doormat" tag? When they arrive, no one is there except Lila and Ellen. Why, I'm starting to think that Kimberly might not have been entirely honest about that scheduling change! What a diabolical genius! The Unicorns (except Mandy) begin arguing again.
The next day, Peter catches up with Mandy and explains that he didn't bet on the pageant. Mandy's self-righteous indignation barely has a chance to fade before he adds that he would have bet on Mandy if she had entered the pageant. He also hints at asking her out, but she's too mad at him for, I don't know, implying she's pretty, I guess. Peter didn't get the memo about those green eyes. She storms off again, and I start to wonder just how much of this Peter is going to take.
Mandy goes with Jessica to her haircut, and spots Elizabeth at the same salon, getting the same haircut. Liz is creeping me out a little here. Does it count as a psycho doppelganger if she's already a Wakefield? Jessica doesn't mind, though, because "you never know when I'm going to need you to be me for awhile." Jess is planning her twin switch schemes in advance now.
Later, Mandy and Lila make posters and we learn that Bruce Patman bet five dollars on Lila. An early hint of Bruce/Lila shipping, maybe? I wonder if he ever mentions that to her in SVU.
At lunch the following day, Mandy sits at the Angeliner (Worst. Name. Ever.) and tells the Angels she isn't planning to go to the pageant, but Elizabeth guilt-trips her into going. Elizabeth. I don't even know what to say to that. Mandy goes, and immediately gets recruited to help out with things like ironing and hemming dresses. If she doesn't grow a spine soon, think I'm going to start calling Mandy "Melizabeth." She at least convinces the Unicorns to help each other out, and is happy when they appear to act like friends again. Mandy has not been paying attention during this book.
The Unicorns (except Mandy) continue backstabbing each other, including Lila soaping the other girls' shoes, Ellen trying to cut off Jessica's hair (but then she'd have to chop off Elizabeth's hair, too!), and Jessica taking key stitches out of Kimberly's dress. Mandy scolds them and cries, but surprisingly doesn't bring up the cancer thing. The Unicorns feel bad anyway and declare a truce.
As Mandy helps Kimberly fix her dress, Kimberly gets stage fright and asks Mandy to take her place. I don't know why, though. Why not simply drop out? Do beauty pageants have pinch hitters? At first Mandy says no way because of, you know, the freckles, but finally she doormats. Again. Melizabeth.
She puts on Kimberly's dress (I guess they're the same size and height?) and the Unicorns gush and give her a makeover. Mandy keeps thinking about how there's no way she's actually going to win. Hey, does anyone else see that flashing neon "foreshadowing" sign? With one more gratuitous cancer reference for the road, Mandy lines up with the others to go onstage.
During the question-and-answer portion, Mandy is asked, "If you could meet the person you were three years ago, what advice would you give that person." Mandy brings up the cancer story, quickly adding, "I'm OK now." That pretty much sums it up, doesn't it? She tells her story, and the room goes silent. Then-and I'm not kidding-she gets a slow clap.
Then Mandy has to come up with a talent at the last minute. Recovering from cancer in the space of a week doesn't count? I guess not, because she paints her fingers with makeup and puts on a puppet show-but not before reminding the audience one more time about the cancer. I think we hear more about her cancer in this book than we did in Mandy Miller Fights Back.
At the end of the pageant, Mandy thinks about how well Jessica and Lila probably did at answering their questions. "Ellen, on the other hand...Well, I'm sure she played the tambourine well." Jeez, Mandy, good thing you're above all that bitchiness you were condemning the other Unicorns for. The runners-up are announced, and finally the winner. None of the Unicorns win. Except Mandy. (Bet you were wondering where I was going with that.) Hey, back up. A Wakefield entered a beauty pageant and not only didn't win but didn't even place, yet Sweet Valley is still standing? I don't know whether to cheer or prepare for the Apocalypse.
Lila, Jessica, and Ellen push Mandy to the middle of the stage to accept her roses, tiara, and velvet robe. The audience chants Mandy's name. Mandy cries. I throw up a little in my mouth.
Afterward, Peter congratulates Mandy and apologizes for saying whatever the hell he said to piss her off so much. Maybe it's the adrenaline rush from winning the pageant, but Mandy manages not to get offended this time and even gives him a kiss on the cheek. He also gives her his half-melted ice cream, which is kind of sweet.
The last scene has Lila on a spending spree with her dad's credit card. Mandy's worried, but it just sounds like Lila being Lila to me. It's a lead in for the next book, Lila on the Loose. Oooh, neat-it isn't every day we get to see a Lila out of captivity.
I should start by pointing out that there is no Miss Unicorn pageant, so I don't know what the deal is with the title. Maybe "Who Will Be the Winner of the Sweet Valley Princess Beauty Pageant?" wouldn't fit on the cover.
Sorry about the crappy picture quality; it was the best I could do. The girls are wearing the dresses as they're described in the book, though, and are (from left to right) Ellen, Lila, Jessica, Kimberly, and bitchface Mandy. I find it hard to believe that Lila Fowler would allow the other girls to stand in front of her like that, blocking her awesomeness. Maybe this is only seconds before she leaps forward, clawing her way past the others. I'd like to see that cover.
The story is told from Mandy Miller's point of view, who is at a Unicorn meeting thinking about how perfect everything is even though Ellen Riteman is a ditz. Are there any Unicorn books that don't point this out in the first couple pages? I'm starting to think it's the equivalent of "identical down to their perfect size-six figures but really are so different" in the other SV books.
Anyway, according to Mandy everything is perfect because the Unicorns are now not so much about backstabbing and bitchiness and more about baby-sitting and saving the world in stretchy costumes. Cue Lila announcing she'll be entering the Sweet Valley Princess Beauty Pageant. The Unicorns (except Mandy) immediately start arguing about who will win. See, Mandy, it's like the Titanic. Everyone said it was unsinkable, and it sank. You said the Unicorns weren't bitchy any more, and, well. You just don't tempt fate, all right?
Mandy turns into SVH-era Elizabeth and condemns the pageant as sexist and degrading. The others ignore her, so Mandy goes home to complain to her family about it instead. Here we get our first-but not only, believe me-reminder that Mandy had weeklong cancer awhile back and we meet her older sister Cecelia, who is "so perfect I (Mandy) sometimes called her Saint Cecelia behind her back." Sorry, Cecelia, but Sweet Valley is only big enough for one saint.
That night, Mandy looks at herself in the mirror, refers to her week of cancer again, and thinks about how ugly she is. She's got freckles! Her nose turns upward! And her eyes are green like olives! She's obviously a total cow.
The next day in the cafeteria, Jessica is singing a Melody Powers song-badly. In a moment that's probably intended to explain the continuity problems of Jessica having a great/awful singing voice, Mandy muses that Jessica has a good singing voice when she stays in her own range, but not when she strays out of it. Too little, too late, ghosties. Unless you're going to explain the hundred and thirty-seven Christmases, I don't want to hear your rationalizations.
Anyway, this leads into a discussion about what the Unicorns (except Mandy) are going to do for their talents. Considering the competition is actually called a "beauty pageant" rather than "Miss Sweet Valley" or some other euphemism, I think the talent portion is a moot point. Oh, God, I'm starting to sound like Mandy/SVH Liz.
Mandy's day perks in up science class, when her lab partner is Peter DeHaven. He's the boy she has a crush on, having dated him a few months earlier, until they drifted apart. Mandy wonders if he still remembers her. After a couple months? Is he a goldfish?
Their project is to mix vinegar and baking soda, which I'm pretty certain has been done at least a dozen times throughout the Sweet Valley books. I guess every kids/YA series has to include it somewhere, though. It's probably required by law, right along with the eggs-as-babies project and the fake marriages.
Peter the Goldfish brings up the beauty pageant (what seventh grade boy actually cares about this?) and comments that it's just as well Mandy isn't entering because Jessica or Lila will probably win, anyway. Given his social skills, I think it's safe to say that Peter will never get laid in his life. Mandy is pissed...except of course she didn't care about the stupid pageant in the first place. I'm sure.
The other Unicorns recruit Mandy to help them with the pageant. Lila wants her to help make promotional posters, Kimberly needs help figuring out her talent, Ellen wants her to go dress shopping with her, and Jessica asks her to come along when she gets her hair cut. Mandy hates getting in the middle of the pageant stuff, but doormats anyway. Elizabeth is really getting out-Elizabethed in this book.
At lunch the next day, the Unicorns (except Mandy) get into another fight about the pageant. Mandy yells at them and says that from now on, she's neutral. "Think of me as Switzerland," she says. Mandy has chocolate, watches, and Nazi money?
Mandy goes dress shopping with Ellen, who is planning to play the tambourine for her talent. I really hope she's going to dance or something, too, because that sounds really weak. Ellen spends most of her time bad-mouthing the other girls (except Mandy), which seems unusually bitchy for her. It's still in character, though, because she does a really crappy job of it.
Ellen finally finds a dress she likes, tries it on, and loves it. Wait for it... Wait for it... And... Lila and Jessica step out of the dressing rooms wearing the same dress. Kimberly isn't there, because I guess her invitation to the synchronized dress wearing was lost in the mail. The girls (except Mandy) fight. Again.
Mandy storms off to Casey's to get some ice cream and runs into Peter there. He jokes that it's good that she's not in the pageant because that means she can eat whatever she wants. That one wasn't so bad, although he really needs to start talking about something other than beauty pageants, but Mandy overreacts and shoves her ice cream in his face. I kind of feel sorry for Peter here, but I'm mostly sad about all that wasted ice cream.
Mandy goes over to Kimberly's house later that day and finds out she's tried everything she can think of for her talent. Including playing the recorder, I might add. What is Sweet Valley's obsession with recorders? She can't even play it, anyway. Kimberly is screwed if she can't handle an instrument I mastered in the third grade. Mandy thinks otherwise, though, and she finally comes up with (and I'm not making this up, I swear) curling her hair to music. I guess it still beats Ellen's tambourine.
The next day, Mandy overhears Aaron Dallas, Jake Hamilton, Rick Hunter, and Tim Davis placing bets on which Unicorn would win the pageant. Seriously, why are these thirteen-year-old guys even interested in this stuff? Mandy is utterly offended when the boys ask Peter who he'll bet on. Jeez, Mandy, he didn't even bet. He just happened to be there. She storms off in a huff of Elizabeth-like self-righteousness to the bathroom, where she thinks about how ugly she is (she also has shoulder-length hair!) and reminds the readers once again that she used to have cancer. You know, in case anyone forgot.
After school, Kimberly runs up to tell her that the pageant rehearsal has been moved from four o'clock to seven o'clock. Mandy is happy that Kimberly at least cared enough about the others to pass along the message. We all know how this is going to end, right? Mandy doesn't even find it odd that the people running the pageant are using word-of-mouth to spread important scheduling information?
Mandy meets Elizabeth later to go to the day care center, explaining that Jessica decided to take advantage of the extra time to do pageant stuff and convinced Mandy to cover for her at the center. Elizabeth nods knowingly, probably thinking, "Can't say no to her either, huh?" Mandy asks Elizabeth if she thinks pageants are sexist, and she replies, "Yes and no," and even defends them. Jeez, I guess Elizabeth is taking the book off from being Elizabeth. Good thing she's got Mandy as an understudy.
At the day care center, the kids are playing dress-up and pretending to be beauty pageant contestants. Including Oliver, which is...disturbing. As Mandy and Elizabeth walk home, Mandy mentions Jessica's upcoming haircut and Elizabeth freaks out and bitches Jess out for it when they get to the Wakefield house. Maybe it's because I don't have a twin, but is it really that big a deal if one gets a haircut and the other doesn't? And didn't the Baby-Sitter's Club do a book like that?
Jessica and Elizabeth talk Mandy into going to the pageant even though (once again) she doesn't want to. Do we need a "Mandy the Doormat" tag? When they arrive, no one is there except Lila and Ellen. Why, I'm starting to think that Kimberly might not have been entirely honest about that scheduling change! What a diabolical genius! The Unicorns (except Mandy) begin arguing again.
The next day, Peter catches up with Mandy and explains that he didn't bet on the pageant. Mandy's self-righteous indignation barely has a chance to fade before he adds that he would have bet on Mandy if she had entered the pageant. He also hints at asking her out, but she's too mad at him for, I don't know, implying she's pretty, I guess. Peter didn't get the memo about those green eyes. She storms off again, and I start to wonder just how much of this Peter is going to take.
Mandy goes with Jessica to her haircut, and spots Elizabeth at the same salon, getting the same haircut. Liz is creeping me out a little here. Does it count as a psycho doppelganger if she's already a Wakefield? Jessica doesn't mind, though, because "you never know when I'm going to need you to be me for awhile." Jess is planning her twin switch schemes in advance now.
Later, Mandy and Lila make posters and we learn that Bruce Patman bet five dollars on Lila. An early hint of Bruce/Lila shipping, maybe? I wonder if he ever mentions that to her in SVU.
At lunch the following day, Mandy sits at the Angeliner (Worst. Name. Ever.) and tells the Angels she isn't planning to go to the pageant, but Elizabeth guilt-trips her into going. Elizabeth. I don't even know what to say to that. Mandy goes, and immediately gets recruited to help out with things like ironing and hemming dresses. If she doesn't grow a spine soon, think I'm going to start calling Mandy "Melizabeth." She at least convinces the Unicorns to help each other out, and is happy when they appear to act like friends again. Mandy has not been paying attention during this book.
The Unicorns (except Mandy) continue backstabbing each other, including Lila soaping the other girls' shoes, Ellen trying to cut off Jessica's hair (but then she'd have to chop off Elizabeth's hair, too!), and Jessica taking key stitches out of Kimberly's dress. Mandy scolds them and cries, but surprisingly doesn't bring up the cancer thing. The Unicorns feel bad anyway and declare a truce.
As Mandy helps Kimberly fix her dress, Kimberly gets stage fright and asks Mandy to take her place. I don't know why, though. Why not simply drop out? Do beauty pageants have pinch hitters? At first Mandy says no way because of, you know, the freckles, but finally she doormats. Again. Melizabeth.
She puts on Kimberly's dress (I guess they're the same size and height?) and the Unicorns gush and give her a makeover. Mandy keeps thinking about how there's no way she's actually going to win. Hey, does anyone else see that flashing neon "foreshadowing" sign? With one more gratuitous cancer reference for the road, Mandy lines up with the others to go onstage.
During the question-and-answer portion, Mandy is asked, "If you could meet the person you were three years ago, what advice would you give that person." Mandy brings up the cancer story, quickly adding, "I'm OK now." That pretty much sums it up, doesn't it? She tells her story, and the room goes silent. Then-and I'm not kidding-she gets a slow clap.
Then Mandy has to come up with a talent at the last minute. Recovering from cancer in the space of a week doesn't count? I guess not, because she paints her fingers with makeup and puts on a puppet show-but not before reminding the audience one more time about the cancer. I think we hear more about her cancer in this book than we did in Mandy Miller Fights Back.
At the end of the pageant, Mandy thinks about how well Jessica and Lila probably did at answering their questions. "Ellen, on the other hand...Well, I'm sure she played the tambourine well." Jeez, Mandy, good thing you're above all that bitchiness you were condemning the other Unicorns for. The runners-up are announced, and finally the winner. None of the Unicorns win. Except Mandy. (Bet you were wondering where I was going with that.) Hey, back up. A Wakefield entered a beauty pageant and not only didn't win but didn't even place, yet Sweet Valley is still standing? I don't know whether to cheer or prepare for the Apocalypse.
Lila, Jessica, and Ellen push Mandy to the middle of the stage to accept her roses, tiara, and velvet robe. The audience chants Mandy's name. Mandy cries. I throw up a little in my mouth.
Afterward, Peter congratulates Mandy and apologizes for saying whatever the hell he said to piss her off so much. Maybe it's the adrenaline rush from winning the pageant, but Mandy manages not to get offended this time and even gives him a kiss on the cheek. He also gives her his half-melted ice cream, which is kind of sweet.
The last scene has Lila on a spending spree with her dad's credit card. Mandy's worried, but it just sounds like Lila being Lila to me. It's a lead in for the next book, Lila on the Loose. Oooh, neat-it isn't every day we get to see a Lila out of captivity.