Unicorns at War
This is my very first Sweet Valley snark, and I know this one has been highly anticipated. Weirdly, I didn't think it lived up to the hype I remembered 13 years ago. Anyway, hope it doesn't disappoint!
So this is the cover (please note that it's a "Super Edition," but it still counts as #6 in the series. It's also no longer than any of the other books). We've got Mary's campaign poster with a 'stache clearly drawn by the bitch-faced Jessica, who is brandishing a Sharpie like she wants to stab Maria with it. I think Lila is holding the other end of the "Kimberly for President" banner. It could be Ellen, but since this never actually happens in the book, who knows? Liz is just standing in the corner looking constipated.
We open on the liveliest Unicorn meeting EVER. Mandy has been corrupted by the power of the presidency, and is incessantly banging a squeaky green plastic gavel to try and get everyone to focus. We get a quick intro to the Unicorns (Lila Fowler = made of WIN, Ellen Riteman = glossed over by Mary, Mary Wallace is smart, Jessica and Elizabeth are alike on the outside, but supa' different inside, Maria Slater is a washed-up actress, Mandy Miller had cancer but is all better now, and Evie Kim is Asian and a 6th grader), and a brief history of how the Unicorns used to be (mean, hott, and selfish), and how they are now (volunteering, sanctimonious, still hott). The meeting is adjourned as quickly as it began, and the girls start planning their party for the kids at the Center, where they volunteer. Why didn't they do this while the meeting was still in session? I don't know. If Kristy Thomas was around, shit would be going down right now, but Mandy just lets everyone run amok.
Oh, wait, she's started the meeting again. Mandy wants to postpone the party because student council elections are coming up, and she thinks a Unicorn should run for president. Maria thinks that these elections are popularity contests, and she thought the Unicorns were into more worthwhile things now. Ellen basically agrees and doesn't think they should delay a party for the kids at the Center because of the election, since nobody pays attention to stuff like that anyway. "They do, too!" yell MARIA, Mandy, and Mary. Maria? FYI, you just SAID THAT THEY WERE POPULARITY CONTESTS. I think that when Ellen agreed with her, it scared her a little. Then Mary has a bitchy thought about how Ellen doesn't pay attention to student government, so she automatically assumes no one else does. I miss the Sweet Valley Twin books where Mary was a peripheral character. She's kind of a bitch in the Unicorn books. Like everyone else. Anyway, Mary gets nominated by the Unicorns to be nominated for president of the student council (yeah, I don't know). She pulls a Sally Field and is all, "Whaaa? You like me?!"
Next Mandy busts out the BIG NEWS. Kimberly Haver is moving back from Atlanta. Lila, Jess, and Ellen are super excited. The new girls are looking forward to getting to know her, and Mary is pissed. After the meeting, she explains to Maria that Kimberly was always really competitive with her, over boys, grades, clothes, etc. Maria tries to reassure her that once Kimberly sees how different the club is now, she'll fall in line. Mary's not so sure...
The next day (Friday) at school, Elizabeth is already getting people to vote for Mary. (I'm having a major issue getting Mary and Mandy confused. I seriously keep going, "Mandy = cancer, Mary = adopted) We learn that nominations are officially on Tuesday, and that having a Unicorn involved is boosting student interest in the election. It's going to boil down to Lois Waller, Randy Mason, and Mary.
The girls head to a school assembly. Apparently the cafeteria is under construction, so the 7th and 8th graders have been able to go off-campus for lunch. There's a shopping complex behind the school with pizza and burger restaurants, an ice cream place, comic book shop, video arcade, you know, places middle school students and pedophiles populate. Turns out there's also a lot of road construction going on behind the school, and a student was hit crossing the street. So, the off-campus lunch privilege is being suspended until the construction is finished (which could be 15 months). The students are outraged...how dare the school board consider their safety instead of their freedom?! Too bad there's not a solution that would make everyone happy. Hang on a sec, I gotta get the door...oh, hey! It's my good friend foreshadowing! After the assembly the girls all head to class, depressed about the gross injustice that was just handed down.
That afternoon the girls are volunteering at the center. We learn that all the girls have a kid they are close with. The funniest is Oliver Washington, because, "If he wasn't a boy, four years old, and black, you'd think he was Jessica's twin!" LOLZ. The girls start talking about how Kimberly would flip if she saw them at the center, and that leads to reminiscing about the old days. Mary gets upset when they start talking about mean tricks they played on Randy Mason and Lois Waller. She doesn't want the club to backslide. She's sure that the new Unicorns and Mandy are on the up and up, and Ellen and Jessica are comfortable with their new image, but she's not sure about Lila. This is another reason I think Mary sucks. Anyway, Mary asks everyone to come help her strategize her campaign over the weekend. Lila, Ellen, and Jessica are going to a sleepover at Kimberly's house. They didn't ask the new Unicorns (who weren't even friends with her last year), but this bothers Mary. Blah.
Monday at school, Mary sees Kimberly and they hug. Then Mary compliments Kimberly's hair, to which Kimberly responds, "It's longer than yours now." Mary's really irritated and notices that Kimberly has a purple satin jacket with Unicorns written on the back. The jackets are new this year, so Mary's shocked Kimberly has one. Lila had her father's tailor copy one over the weekend. Of course she did.
At lunch that day, Kimberly is shocked to see that Sophia Rizzo and Sarah Thomas are sitting at the Unicorner, even though they AREN'T UNICORNS. She makes the girls so uncomfortable that they leave. Jessica changes the subject and starts talking about the Center, and Kimberly starts mocking the girls for being a bunch of goody-goodies. Maria suggests the old Unicorns fill her in on the new movement. Kimberly finally agrees to at least give it a chance.
Tuesday are the nominations, and Randy and Lois are nominated first (Mary has to second the motion for Lois...because she's fat, so no one likes her, remember?), then Mary. BUT THEN. Jessica nominates Kimberly Haver, and Lila seconds it. Mary's hella pissed, and in the heat of the moment informs Kimberly that she won't play her game, she's dropping out! Maria yanks her away, and she and Elizabeth convince Mary not to give in to Kimberly. They agree to a fair fight, but something tells me things might go awry...
Later that afternoon, Mary gets all up in Mandy's Kool-Aid about how she should be mad that Kimberly screwed her over. Mandy refuses to take sides, because Kimberly was so kind to her when she had cancer. And so was Mary. It's breaking Mandy's heart, and Mary understands. Mandy agrees to remain impartial and not help with either girl's campaign. Kimberly walks up at the same time Lois Waller comes over to thank Mary for seconding the nomination. When Lois walks away, Kimberly says, "Maybe Lois should run on the Save the Whales platform." Mandy laughs, and Mary is PISSED. Mandy scurries off to class, and Kimberly flips the script. She says that the Unicorns are a bunch of goody-goody geekoids, and they need some shaking up. Just then, some boys are walking towards them, and Kimberly flips her head upside down to fluff her hair, and the boys totally fall for it. They're going to vote for her. And Mary is flabbergasted. How could 13 year old boys follow their hormones and betray their friend Randy Mason?!
That night, the good Unicorns are in Elizabeth's room working on Mary's campaign, while the old Unicorns (minus Mandy) are downstairs with Kimberly. Guess who's having more fun? Yeah, not Mary's group. The girls are coming up with supa' lame platforms for Mary...a higher limit for library book check-out (guess who's idea that was? hint: she loves abstinence, poetry, and English teachers) and getting teachers to assign more extra credit. Mary's got some thinking to do.
Wednesday Mary has a dentist's appointment, and she has to cross the street behind the school. She almost gets flattened by a car, which makes her realize that Mr. Clark might actually have their best interest in mind. Hm. She goes back to school, and Kimberly's trying to get Maria to go off-campus for lunch. Maria says no, and Kimberly mocks her. Blah. Ellen, Lila, and Jessica agree to go off-campus with her. Caroline Pearce reports that they've been busted by Mr. Clark. Elizabeth thinks it will be good for Mary's campaign (?) because who would vote for someone with 4 hours of Saturday detention?
So the students want to form a protest to "Free the Sweet Valley Four," and they're supportive of how Kimberly had the guts to say, "Damn the man, Save the Empire!!" Mary speaks up and says that she was almost hit by a car, and everyone thinks she sucks. Team Mary! decides to just go to the Center instead of being mocked by the crowd, but first they're going to get a soda at the burger place behind the school. The waitress informs them that the construction was making business tough, but the kids were making up the difference. Mr. Clark told all of the local merchants to refuse service to the students at lunch. Too bad there's no way to make the students, administration, AND the merchants happy. What a shame.
Team Mary! goes to the Center, and finds that Mandy's by herself since Lila and Ellen blew it off. Mandy defends the girls; since they got in trouble, they must have had something better to do (yeah, I don't know). The kids are sad that they haven't seen Jessica, Lila, or Ellen lately. I'd be sad if I didn't get to see Lila, either. Maria's super pissed (that's a recurring theme for everyone in this book), and tells Mandy that she thinks it's bullshit that the other girls have been shirking their responsibilities. Mandy tells her to can it, she's not choosing sides EVER.
The next day Mary's trying to convince people to vote for her lame-ass library book proposal, but Kimberly's come up with a foolproof way to sneak off-campus without getting caught. Oh, noes!! Mary's losing votes! That day at lunch, everyone makes fun of Team Mary! for not going off-campus and calls them geeks. Um, the people who didn't sneak off are still at the school. Calling Mary a geek. For staying at school. What does that make them? I hate junior high. Team Kimberly! plus about 15 kids end up getting busted, and they get a month of Saturday detentions! Who would want to vote for her now? But that Krafty Kimberly whips out her spoon and accuses Mary of being a rat. The whole thing erupts into a Team Mary! v. Team Kimberly! fight, culminating with this Wakefield exchange:
"We'll grind you goody-goodies into the dust," Jessica yelled.
"Speaking of dust, don't forget to eat ours," Elizabeth bellowed at her sister.
There was a lot of appreciative laughter and some scattered applause. I wasn't sure who it was for, but I hoped it was for Elizabeth and her quick reply.
Um, Mary, I think that the laughter was AT you lame ass Unicorns, and the scattered applause was because you all dispersed after that clever altercation. Anyway, as the girls part way, Mary sadly thinks that the Unicorns have split up FOR GOOD.
Mary decides to haul her wounded heart over to the burger place behind the school, and the same waitress she had the day before laments on how bad the business is. As they're talking, a crossing guard named Plot Contrivance comes in. Mary notices that his car has, "Perkins Security" on the side, and she cleverly deduces that he works for a private security firm. She goes to all the businesses in the area to ask if the students coming back at lunch would help keep them afloat, and they agree that it would.
That night she presents her platform to Team Mary! at Elizabeth's house. Elizabeth points out that the school would never have the funds to pay for the crossing guard (she knows because Ned's on the PTA, a fact we never heard before, and never will again). Mary assures her that the merchants will pay to help save their business. While they're strategizing, Team Kimberly! start partying downstairs. Team Mary! talk about how upset they are that the Unicorns are falling apart. Mary thinks about how sad Mandy is, and she tells the girls that they should think of the club as a family who's in the middle of a fight. After they have their warm and fuzzy, Mary asks the girls who will go with her tomorrow to talk to the security firm and the merchants. Oh noes!! Maria and Elizabeth have to volunteer at the Center and Evie has violin practice!! Evie suggests asking if someone on Team Kimberly! would switch. Mary goes down to ask them, and Lila and Jessica are about to agree, but Kimberly says, "Forget it! We aren't helping a bunch of goody-goody rats!" (I'm slightly paraphrasing, but the words "goody-goody" and "rat" are thrown around waaaaay too much in this book) Mary dejectedly goes upstairs to inform the girls that she'll have to go by herself the next day, and then asks the girls to tell Mrs. Willard from the Center that they're going to have to take a break until after the election.
Friday Randy Mason comes over to Mary to let her know that he's dropping out of the race. He's far too busy doing two independent research projects in addition to his course work. Randy Mason = Sandy Frink. Mary asks him for his vote, and he wants to hear what everyone has to offer. Burn! Mary walks down the hall, and she sees Lila and Ellen running around a corner. Clearly they had tacked up what was on the bulletin board...a caricature of Lois Waller as a hippo!!! Because she's fat!!!! The caption says, "Hippos belong in the zoo, not running the student council." Lame. Obviously Lila was not involved in the captioning. Everyone asks Mary if she drew it, and she "prissily" says she doesn't think it's funny. Dennis Cookman says, "Vote for Mary Wallace. It's the next-best thing to voting for your mother." Mary is shocked SHOCKED that no one is standing up for her. Or Lois. Then she sees Lois standing at the end of the hall...she's in bad shape (and not just because she's fat, in case you forgot). Mary tears down the poster and runs after Lois, who announces she's dropping out of the race. Mary looks at her and thinks, "Her pudgy face. Her round figure. Her thick ankles. Yes, Lois was fat. But she was a person, and she had feelings." Oh, Mary. It's cankles, m'kay?
After school, Mary delivers her proposals to the merchants, and they all agree to it, signing a faux-contract pledging their support. As Mary walks home, she sees Mandy sadly sitting on a park bench, feeding the pigeons. Mandy whines about the state of the Unicorns, and Mary urges her to take a stand. Mary pulls the Lois = Hippo poster out of her backpack (?!) and tells Mandy that this is Kimberly's idea of a campaign poster. Mandy gets pissed and pulls out two posters form HER bag. One shows Mary drawn as a rat, and the other shows Kimberly as the pied piper. Mandy informs Mary that she saw Lois hanging the posters that morning, so Mary should stop giving her goody-goody lectures. Mary tells Mandy that she needs to talk to Team Kimberly and tell them that if they don't shape up, they'll be suspended. Mandy asks why SHE should have to tell them. Because you're the president, home slice!! Mandy refuses to take a stand, and Mary walks away, disappointed.
Saturday night Team Mary! is working on the campaign speech in Elizabeth's room. Mary practices the speech in front of the girls, and they tell her she needs to keep rehearsing. They agree to meet Wednesday night. Jessica comes in to tell the girls that their rides are there, and Mary and Jessica end up fighting about the goody-goodies vs. Team Kimberly! Jessica keeps accusing Mary of telling, then decides that if it wasn't Mary, it was Elizabeth. Elizabeth says, "I didn't tell. But you know what? I wish I had!" Burn.
Later that night, Evie calls to say that she and her grandma were at Angelo's Pizza. The booths have (conveniently) high backs, and Kimberly and Ellen were sitting behind her. She overheard them saying that Ellen was standing outside Mr. Clark's office talking about the lunch escape in a deliberately loud voice. They busted themselves to improve their image AND frame Mary.
Monday at school Evie informs Team Mary! of the newest revelation, and Maria intelligently suggests that Elizabeth's father draw up a deposition incriminating Team Kimberly! Oh, Maria. And you're supposed to be one of the smartest girls in school? I'm shocked that Ned doesn't agree to take the case. Elizabeth decides that Kimberly is desperate, and she's only running a smear campaign because she doesn't have any actual ideas. We also learn that there are only two more days until the election.
Tuesday morning Mary goes down to breakfast, and her mom has ordered 4 straw boater campaign hats. HAWT. How can Team Mary! possibly lose? If only they had a purple ribbon...
There are also campaign buttons with Mary's face on them.
At school, Mary stands on the steps and hands out her buttons. She's talking to a sixth grader, and one of his friends runs up and says, "We don't vote for squealers!" Sarah Thomas and Peter Burns take buttons from her, and then Aaron Dallas comes over and asks for one! Mary's afraid he's going to draw a mustache on it or something, but he says that spending a Saturday in detention has changed his political views. The two sixth graders decide that if Aaron Dallas will vote for Mary, they will, too. Over the course of the day, things start to look up for Mary. Elizabeth and Mary remember the Truman/Dewey election as a way to keep things in perspective. As they're walking home, they run into Mrs. Willard and she tells them she can't wait for them to come back to the Center. They commit to be there Thursday, win or lose.
Elizabeth and Mary are looking at poster board, and Mary sees Mandy with Kimberly! She's chosen sides! Mary confronts her, and Mandy says that Kimberly asked her for advice. If Mary had asked, Mandy would have given it to her, too. Um, she pledged to stay out of the whole thing. Way to keep your promise, Pres.
Okay, we're wrapping up. Mary is rehearsing her speech with Elizabeth, and Elizabeth is getting frustrated because Mary's not doing the speech Liz wrote for her justice. They get in a little tiff (Mary calls Elizabeth "Madame Pulitzer" LOLZ), then immediately get over it. Mary takes a quick bathroom break while Elizabeth highlights the first line of each paragraph in the speech. Mary notes that the bathroom is spotless, so Jessica must not be home. An hour and a half later, they finish practicing and Mary uses the bathroom again. It's a total mess, so Mary knows Jess is home. She quickly cleans up, and goes back into Liz's room. Elizabeth has decided to keep the speech in her top drawer so Mary doesn't overpractice. This can only end well.
Thursday morning everyone is walking into the assembly. Randy Mason pledges his vote to Mary, and Lila tells Kimberly that Mary has the geek vote all sewn up. Mary tells Kimberly that she doesn't even need to campaign because Kimberly's going to lose since she insults all the voters. Kimberly proposes a bet. If Team Kimberly! wins the election, Team Mary! has to turn over their Unicorn jackets, and vice versa. Mary sees Maria, Elizabeth, and Evie running up to her and knows she can't back down. But OH NOES!!!! Elizabeth couldn't find the printout or the disk! Mary flips the eff out. They all sit down, and Elizabeth writes some notes down on a piece of notebook paper to get Mary through the speech.
Kimberly's up first. I wonder what her platform is? Let's listen in, shall we?
"My head came up like a shot, and Maria and Elizabeth's heads snapped toward me so fast I practically heard a cracking noise.
"That's your speech!" Maria squeaked in horror. "How did Kimberly manage to steal your speech?"
Elizabeth gasped. "Kimberly didn't steal it," she whispered as she slowly realized what had happened. "Jessica did. She stole it and gave it to Kimberly."
Mary realizes that Jessica had been eavesdropping on the girls from the bathroom. Jess taps Mary on the shoulder and says, "All's fair in love, war, and school elections." I swear to God, this book is so fucking lame it snarks itself. Lila and Ellen slap Jessica's palm, and Ellen ACTUALLY blew a bubble with her gum and POPPED IT. The audacity! The unmitigated gall! Kimberly finishes her speech and winks at Mary.
Mary has to go up and give her speech next. Liz and Maria force her onstage, and she goes back to her lame library book platform. Team Kimberly! sit in the front row and laugh like the harpies they are. Mandy's sitting by herself, staring at the floor. Mary finishes her speech and runs off the stage crying. Team Mary! find her in the bathroom and inform her that Kimberly won. Elizabeth sensitively adds, "By a landslide." Elizabeth's kind of a bitch in the Unicorn series. Anyway, Evie suggests telling Mr. Clark what happened, but the other girls don't want to be squealers. Evie, Maria, and Liz decide to go to class, and Mary informs them that SHE CAN'T because she's emotionally distraught. Maria WINCES and says, "You've got a point. You don't exactly look like a gracious loser." Damn, these girls are harsh! At least Team Kimberly! doesn't try to hide their bitchiness and feign concern. Mary decides to ditch the rest of the day, and asks Team Mary! to meet at her house that evening.
Please note: The election was on Thursday. The day that the girls pledged to go to the Center. Win or lose. One would think that since ghostie went out of the way to mention this, the writer would at least acknowledge whether or not the girls fulfill their commitment. However, this never transpires. I'm guessing they don't show up, but who knows? Maybe they're playing hopscotch right now!
That night Mary has to restrain her stepdad from going over to Kimberly's house and yelling at Kimberly's dad. ???? Misdirected anger much? Team Mary! shows up, and instead of having a victory party, they decide to celebrate friendship, loyalty, and honesty. The doorbell rings, and it's Mandy! She's all upset because she was just at Kimberly's, and they were bragging about stealing Mary's speech. Mary asks what she's going to do about it, and Mandy says she doesn't know. Mary is understandably pissed, and informs her that right is right and wrong is wrong. Mandy says that she didn't sign on to be the judge and jury of Kimberly Haver, she signed on to be the president of the Unicorns! After some more sanctimonious spouting off by Mary, Mandy is crying hysterically and leaves.
The next day, Mary hauls the Unicorn jackets to school to turn over to Kimberly. She's got to carry the box everywhere because it won't fit in her locker. I don't know why she doesn't take them out of the box and shove them in her locker. Whatever. I'm over this book. Team Mary! comes up, and we learn that there's a surprise assembly. What in the world could it be about? Oh, Mr. Clark's just informing the school that KIMBERLY STOLE MARY'S SPEECH. And he is PISSED. He calls for a second election. Mary thanks Elizabeth (HA) for making this happen, and Elizabeth informs Mary that Team Mary! had nothing to do with it.
Kimberly and Mary have to wait in Mr. Clark's office while the votes are counted. Kimberly calls Mary a squealer, Mary says that maybe Ellen leaked it, Kimberly's all, "GASP. How did you know about that?" The two girls sit down outside the office. Kimberly goes to get a drink at the water cooler, and she dumps a cup of water on Mary's lap. On her way back to sit down, Mary sticks out her foot and trips Kimberly. Before we enter full on Three Stooges territory, Mr. Clark calls them into his office. Mary won! Kimberly gets four more Saturday detentions. Mr. Clark's all, "I've got you for the next two months. You want to keep going?" He also tells Kimberly that he doesn't want to know who else was involved. How weird.
At lunch Team Mary! head over to the Unicorner, all wearing their jackets. Mandy's sitting alone, and no one's talking to her (or she's not talking to anyone...it's a bit vague). Team Kimberly! comes up to relinquish their jackets, and Kimberly says, "You'll never be real Unicorns, no matter how many jackets you have!" Mary stands up and throws her jacket at Kimberly's head, and Team Mary! follows suit. They don't want to be Unicorns anymore. Mandy starts crying, and when Kimberly asks if she's a Unicorn or a goody-goody, Mandy resigns. She also informs Kimberly that SHE'S the one who told Mr. Clark. Team Kimberly! walk away, sad and demoralized, but still following Kimberly like little puppies. No one knows if Mandy resigned from Team Mary! or Team Kimberly! Maria asks what they should name their club, since they can't go by the Goody-Goodies. Elizabeth suggests the Angels. And everyone loves it! Everybody wins!! Except for Mandy. She's still in the middle. Until the book, "Mandy in the Middle," which neatly resolves any remaining issues. But that's 5 books away. For now she's just angsty.