There With You: Part 2
Title: There With You - PART 2
Pairing: AJ/Soohyun
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Soohyun is more depressed than ever and AJ doesn’t know what to do.
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PART TWO
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AJ had been mostly hungover all day so it wasn’t until the afternoon that he checked his campus mailbox and found the letter. One of his friends he had gone drinking with the night before was with him and commented on it. A letter all the way from Korea? That was definitely something different. AJ made excuses and hurried back to his room to read it. But he found himself sitting at his desk with the unopened envelope in front of him, too afraid to open it. What would it say? He knew what he wanted it to say: I took your advice and the other members are getting along better now. You’re right, I’ve been too hard on myself, but I won’t do that from now on. But that was unlikely. Well, something positive had to have happened since the last letter and now, right? Soohyun said it had been hell. Usually once circumstances reached hell-like lows, they reversed direction and climbed back up. That was what he hoped. But all he had was hope.
The other reason he hesitated was because he hadn’t really been thinking about Soohyun and the band lately. He’d been getting closer to his new friends here, spending more time with them, getting into mischief with them, especially last night, which had involved a lot of bars and running back and forth across the Brooklyn Bridge… Not that he had forgotten completely. He’d think of Soohyun every night before he went to sleep, usually in an angsty rush. Soohyun was out there, without him, hating himself. If only Soohyun could see… If only he could know… But there was nothing AJ could do, so he fell asleep, and then got up in the morning and went on with his life, his classes, his friends. He felt bad about it, as if he were abandoning his other life, but he had to be where he was now. He had chosen to do this, and he was going to enjoy it. Though this week he had a giant paper to finish, and he wasn’t sure he was going to enjoy that.
He sighed. He was already late receiving Soohyun’s words. No use putting it off any longer.
After he was done reading, he just sat there. Then he laid his head down on his arms, because he’d had a slight headache before but now it was throbbing. But he didn’t stay long in that position. He burst to his feet, looking for something else to do, but all the laundry was in its correct location, all his books were stacked, and all his jackets hung up in the closet. Nothing was out of place. He wanted to tear it all apart, but that really wouldn’t help.
He sat back down. He could scribble it all out, at least.
Soohyun, that’s not a secret. That’s a lie. You’re the leader because you’re the best of us. You sing better than Hoon and Kevin put together, especially live, and they know that. You’re the one who always corrects our dance moves when we do it wrong. And… you are really attractive, Soohyun, even if you can’t see it.
AJ stopped, finding himself not quite able to breathe correctly. He couldn’t tell what the others were up to, what had really happened at the meeting. He couldn’t believe that it was like Soohyun had described, that they would ever consider kicking him out of the band or removing him as the leader. It almost sounded like they were trying to reduce some of the stress Soohyun was under by giving him fewer responsibilities. But why weren’t the other members talking to him, at least? The way they were going about it wouldn’t work at all, they were just making Soohyun feel like he was truly incompetent. They needed to be taking the same psychology classes AJ was.
AJ picked up Soohyun’s letter again. I miss you so much that it hurts sometimes, he had written. AJ’s hands starting shaking. And here he had been, having fun without him, while Soohyun was going through this. Alone. I miss you so much it hurts. Maybe it was because it hurt so much that AJ had tried not to think about it. Because it was too much. AJ couldn’t handle it; he didn’t know how Soohyun could. Well, Soohyun wasn’t. He had crossed something out at the end, black lines obscuring all of what the final words had been so that AJ couldn’t read them at all. Something so bad he couldn’t even let AJ know-though he wanted to, since he had written it down in the first place. It ached to be expressed. How long had passed since he had written this letter and now? How long had Soohyun been feeling whatever those last words were? Without AJ. It was too much. Soohyun couldn’t take it, and AJ couldn’t either, he couldn’t…
Before he knew it he was sobbing, his tears splattering all over the page. He buried his face in his arms so maybe some of what he and Soohyun had written would survive the storm. He felt torn in two. He should just get on a plane and get out of here and go back to where he really belonged before things got worse. But… But…
I wish I could make you happy, Soohyun had written. “No, Soohyun,” AJ whispered, tears still falling. “I wish I could make you happy.”
He looked back down at the first few scribbled lines of his response letter. What else could he say? He wanted to say everything, refute every single thing Soohyun had said, but he didn’t think that would sink in anymore than anything else he had already tried to tell him. Should he just call Soohyun? Should he call all the other members and tell them to stop being assholes? Should he…
AJ moaned, raising his head. This was impossible. Well. At least Soohyun was telling him things now. Except for whatever those last words had been. He traced them with his thumb. He had to do something. Even if it wasn’t enough.
I’m glad you were able to support Kiseop during the meeting at least. I think the other members and the manager are trying to make things easier for you even if they’re going about it the wrong way.
Don’t apologize for anything, Soohyun, don’t ever apologize. I’m the one who feels worthless, not able to actually be there or do anything for you. And I want to be, so badly. I wish you could see yourself the way I do, Soohyun. You are the one thing that makes U-KISS U-KISS. You are always the brightest thing in the room. You’re the one I want to be like. That’s why you’re the leader and that’s why
AJ hesitated, but kept writing anyway:
and that’s why I miss you so much. Okay, Soohyun? I’m missing you, and you’re missing me, we’re both missing each other, so it’s going to be okay. Hang in there, and stay the same strong Soohyun that I know you are. Not for me or anyone else, but for yourself, because that’s who you’re meant to be.
Then AJ stopped again, because he had an idea. He couldn’t leave and go where Soohyun was, but maybe… Soohyun could come here. It seemed unlikely. It would be a big inconvenience for Soohyun, and he would probably feel even worse when he wasn’t able to and had to disappoint AJ again. But AJ wanted to suggest it anyway. Then Soohyun would know that he was thinking about him, that he didn’t think he was just an annoyance. That at least he wanted to be close to him.
I was thinking that maybe you could come visit me here in New York. It’s probably a bad idea, so don’t feel bad if it doesn’t work out, but I think it’d be great to see each other if you can somehow find the time. Let me know. And don’t be afraid to call me, okay?
AJ folded the letter and sealed it up to be sent right away. He was running straight to a 24/7 FedEx for this one.
He hurried out and back, and then went to his computer. It’d been a while since he’d looked up U-KISS stuff on the web. It felt weird, doing that, like he really was an outsider now, looking in. There were some videos with the whole band looking sleep-deprived-could the fans really not tell? Soohyun especially. In this clip he even had… was that a bandage on his wrist?
AJ’s eyes went wide as he leaned closer to his screen. He backed the video up a few seconds. Maybe it was just some weird bracelet that the coordinoonas thought was trendy. He stared at Soohyun’s arm, and just Soohyun’s arm. He was holding it tight against his side during the interview, like he didn’t want it to show, but it was definitely a white, tightly wound bandage. On his wrist. Fuck.
AJ stopped breathing. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed. Was everyone else insane? Could they not see what was happening? Could they not tell what was going on? AJ thought he knew what those last lines on the page must’ve been. He tried to calm himself as the phone rang. He wanted to cry, to yell, to scream, to ask what the fuck was going on. But he didn’t want to scare Soohyun out of telling him anything. So he forced himself to take a deep breath, and act natural. Natural.
~*~
Soohyun's phone buzzed loudly from its spot a few inches from his ear, a place that had become its nighttime home as of late. He groaned and groped blindly in the dark, arm reaching out across the pillow, fingers closing around the device and eyes just making out the incoming ID. Flipping onto his back and squinting at the ceiling, he pressed the accept button then held the phone to his ear. Even before he spoke he knew he was going to sound like hell. "AJ?" Yup, he sounded like a chain smoker. Perfect.
"Hey, Soohyun buddy, how's it going?" AJ said in the most cheerful voice he could manage. Probably one that scared Soohyun more than anything else would've. He felt like smashing his head against his desk, but figured Soohyun would probably hear that through the phone.
Soohyun tried to force himself awake, blinking his eyes and stretching, not able to keep the gravel out of his voice as he spoke. "I'm fine but, what time is it?"
"It's, uhhh, late, or, early, but... uhhh... Soohyun, I got your letter. And I sent one back just now. But..." AJ wasn't going to hold back anymore. Obviously all his thoughtful prose and caution wasn't doing anything. "I'm worried about you, Soohyun. I'm really worried. And before you try to apologize for that... don't."
"Wait, what?" Soohyun pushed himself up and ran a hand across his face, trying to force his mind to process what he had just heard. "What am I apologizing for?" Soohyun felt like an idiot, but it was 5 am! Why AJ was calling that early Soohyun didn't know, but he did know that he was having a hell of a time waking up. He hadn't gotten to bed until after midnight anyway. He groaned softly to himself. Tomorrow...today… was going to be terrible.
AJ realized his incoherency wasn't helping. "Sorry, it's just... I just wanted to know if you're okay, Soohyun. Because... There was something you wrote at the end of your letter, but crossed out. And I want to know what it is."
Soohyun stared into space for a moment, trying to make himself remember. "That? I don't even know..."
AJ took more deep breaths. This was so dumb. Soohyun couldn't even think at whatever time of day it was back in Korea, obviously. But he wasn't stopping. He prompted, "You were saying something about how... you were needy and worthless." It felt so wrong to repeat Soohyun's statements back to him without refuting them, but hopefully that would get Soohyun to remember.
As AJ was speaking, little pieces of memory were trickling into Soohyun's mind. The letter... what had he written? He had been talking about the meeting, about missing AJ, about... about... that's right. Being worthless. He closed his eyes, curling in on himself, burying his head between his knees. He remembered.
"It wasn't important." His voice was barely a whisper; he half hoped AJ wouldn't be able to hear.
"No Soohyun, it is important!" AJ said, his voice rising. "Why are you thinking all those lies about yourself? That you're needy and worthless? You really think I would think that? And you..." AJ fought against the tightness in his throat. "You would really want to cross yourself out, just like those lines in the letter?" He felt like crying again, like earlier, goddamnit.
Soohyun's head was swirling. What was AJ talking about? He didn't understand anything anymore. Why did AJ care so much? Why did AJ believe in him more than he believed in himself? He heard AJ's breath hitch, just faintly, and he knew that he had to give AJ this. He had to give this part of himself up, lay himself out bare. He had to trust AJ... and he did.
But that didn't make it any easier.
"Soohyun..." AJ bit the inside of his lip and clenched his eyes closed to try to hold back tears. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be yelling. I don't want to make you... I don't want you to be afraid to tell me anything. So please. Please help me understand."
“Sometimes I wish I could just go away.” The words felt wrong on his tongue, heavy. He knew the repercussions that came with them. He murmured them as softly as he could, until even his own ears struggled to pick up the sound. But the bitter taste they left in his mouth was unavoidable. The truth and wrongness of it.
"Soohyun..." AJ whispered. Then the tears fell. He couldn't stop them and he didn't care. "No... Please... Please don't think that. I don't know how I can make you stop thinking that, I don't know what to do, but... Soohyun. This world without you, my life without you... I can't imagine it."
He could imagine it. It was this life, his one in New York, full of lots of fun sights and sounds and experiences, light on the river, the smell of peanuts roasting in the cold air, the shadows of churches darkening his steps as he raced to keep up with the stream of moving bodies. Learning things, everywhere every day. So full. And yet so empty. "It would be nothing. Soohyun. Please. You said that... you needed me. But, Soohyun... I need you too. I need you. So don't... Please..."
Soohyun could tell AJ was crying. He could hear the tiny sounds from across the phone, oceans apart, he could feel the burn of tears on his skin. And it was his fault. He pressed his knees tighter to his head, until the phone was pinned to his ear and he could clench his shoulders with his hands. He was tired and confused and not ready to handle all of these emotions, not when he could barely keep himself together when he was fully conscious. "I'm sorry, AJ." Silent tears coursed down his face and he shut his eyes tight, voice cracking as he spoke. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't apologize, Soohyun. Don't. Just let me help you. Any way I can.”
Even though AJ couldn't see, Soohyun shook his head. There was nothing, not like this.
“Besides, I'm the one who should be sorry, Soohyun,” he said, “because I should be there, but I'm not. Not like I want to be."
Soohyun choked back a sob, knuckles turning white as he clutched himself tighter. “I need you, AJ. So much. Please…”
"I'm here, Soohyun, I'm here, now. I'm here now . So you don't have to... You don't have to hurt yourself." AJ's last words came out very soft, forcing their way out of him.
Soohyun froze, his entire body clenching at those words. His eyes jerked open in shock. "What?"
AJ took a shuddering breath, steeling himself. "I saw... I was watching an interview with you guys, and I saw... the bandage on your wrist, Soohyun."
"The bandage on my..." Soohyun leaned back a bit, unraveling just enough to peak at the cloth tied above his hand. "You think I did it to myself?"
"Y-Yes?" AJ answered. "It just looked like..." He took a second to clear his throat and contain himself. "You mean... you didn't?" He looked down. Once again, the wooden surface of his desk looked right for forehead-smashing.
Hearing the hesitation in AJ's voice, Soohyun allowed himself to relax just a bit. "No, I didn't do it to myself. Unless you count my choosing to be friends with Kiseop."
"Wh-What?" A laugh escaped AJ's lips.
“Yeah, well, you know how the other members have been acting strange around me?” Receiving a sound of acknowledgment from AJ, Soohyun continued with his story. “The other day I walked into the kitchen and Kiseop was standing alone at the counter. When he saw me walk in he grabbed the first thing he saw and actually tried to shove his head into the toaster… which was plugged in and turned on. So I jumped forward and grabbed it from him but somehow my wrist got kind of jammed into one of the slots, and… yeah.” Soohyun shook his head, tracing the bandage lightly with his fingers. “But on the bright side… it got Kiseop to talk to me.”
"Haha, that's... That's really..." AJ started laughing and couldn't stop for a while. When he finally finished, he added, "But... ow. Ow."
Soohyun’s mouth pulled up just slightly at the corner. “Yeah, luckily the burns were only minor. Otherwise I would’ve had a human-sized growth all day.” He chuckled a bit. “Kiseop felt really bad about it, but once the shock was over I just couldn’t stop laughing. Only around Kiseop would this ever happen.”
"Yeah, I know, right?" AJ laughed again. Then he said, "But, seriously, that must've hurt a lot, are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine. So long as I keep the bandage on it should be healed within a week." Tracing his fingers over the white cloth, he rested his head on his knee, cheek pressed into the fabric of his pajama pants. "It might scar though. Hopefully it doesn't. I don't think Kiseop would ever forgive himself if it did."
"That's good then," AJ said. "I'm really glad that... that you wouldn't hurt yourself, Soohyun."
"Of course I wouldn't, not like that."
AJ started to laugh again in relief but then froze. Had Soohyun said it that way without thinking, or was it intentional? He’d already believed Soohyun was capable of hurting himself, and now, the way he was talking… “Soohyun. What do you mean, ‘not like that’?”
Soohyun was quiet for a long time before finally murmuring in a defeated voice, mouth partially pressed into his knee, muffling the sound. "I said, not like that. Not anywhere anyone would see."
"Soohyun..." AJ just barely kept himself from screaming out his next words. "No. No. NO." Then he stopped himself again. This way Soohyun would only feel more guilty. And more sad. He couldn't do that to him. "Soohyun... I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. The way everyone else sees you. As a shining, strong force, so bright, and so beautiful. If you could see that... then you wouldn't have to think such things. Then you wouldn't focus only on what you think you're lacking, but instead see what you are."
Soohyun laughed hollowly, shaking his head. "AJ, I don't know who you think you're looking at, but it isn't me. I'm sorry."
“Yes it is Soohyun, it is. I just wish I knew how… I could get you to see that. Is there anything I can do, Soohyun? Anything?”
"I just feel empty, AJ. Empty and alone. You're all the way over in America and I'm here.” Soohyun clenched his arms and took a deep breath. “But don’t worry, I promise I won’t do anything. Not now, anyway. I don’t want to cause any more problems.”
"Soohyun, you're not... you're not causing problems, it's..." AJ sighed. "But that's good, I'm glad." He paused, biting his lip. Not now, anyway, was what Soohyun had actually said. All it would take was one more thing to push Soohyun over the edge, and then he would be falling even further away from him. "I'm still here for you, Soohyun. I'm always here for you." But clearly just saying that, all the way from New York City, wasn't enough. "Soohyun… I put this is in my letter too, but... Do you think there'd be a way for you to come see me? Then we wouldn't be so far away from each other, and maybe... you would feel better." And AJ would feel better too. And his empty arms and his empty hands would finally be able to be of some use.
Soohyun was quiet for a long time, just thinking, wondering if AJ had meant it. He took a tentative breath. "You really want me to come to New York?"
"Yes, yes I do."
"But... where would I stay? And you have classes!" Soohyun was stammering now, cursing himself for sounding like an over-eager puppy, stumbling over itself.
"Eh, you could sleep on my floor or something, there's some room. And don't worry about my classes; we'd work around my schedule. I mean... if you want to come."
"Of course I want to... but, I'd have to talk to the manager. And probably rearrange my schedule..." His eyebrows furrowed the more he thought about it. He wanted to go so badly... but he might not be able to. And what about the rest of the band? He thought back to the past few weeks and sniffled softly: they didn't need him. "I'll-I’ll ask about it. I'll ask about it and then I’ll let you know."
"Good. Great. If you can't, don't worry about it, it was just an idea. But it would be really great to be able to see you. Really. Soohyun. Don't think that... This distance is by choice."
"It would be great to see you too, AJ. And trust me, I know." He pulled himself into a tighter ball, body centered around the small device in his hand, to the voice on the other end of the phone. "I know."
“Good.” AJ felt lame for repeating that. If he were physically there with Soohyun right now, what would he be doing instead of giving him these useless words? He’d be holding him. Then Soohyun would know, without words, what he wanted him to know. He wished he could be doing that now. He wished… “I wish I could be holding you right now.” AJ leaned back in his chair, his eyes wide. He had just said that out loud by accident. Ah shit. No taking it back now… Not that he would. It was true. And now Soohyun would know.
Soohyun's mind went blank. Had AJ just said that... for real? "I wish you were holding me too." The words came naturally, slipping from his lips without any restraint. And he felt no regret either, in finally letting them go.
There was a long silence. AJ smiled to himself and he hoped Soohyun was too. Then he said, "Well, I should probably let you get back to sleep. Or... wake up. Since it's..." He looked at the clock on his computer set to Seoul time. "6 am."
Soohyun groaned and flopped back onto the bed. “You’re kidding, right?”
"I wish I were." AJ grimaced. "Sorry."
"No, it's fine. I'll just have to steal some of Eli's Red Bull." Soohyun rubbed his eyes and stretched, yawning a bit. "It's nothing that we haven't all been through before."
"Mmm, but now it's... it's because of me. But I hope... I hope I helped you a little, Soohyun."
"Of course you did, AJ. Just hearing your voice..." Soohyun stopped abruptly, blush creeping over his features. What the hell was he going to say? He shook his head and cleared his throat. "You're always helpful, AJ. So don't feel bad for calling. I'm glad you did. I might wait a few days to talk to the manager about New York though... so that he won't see the big bags under my eyes." Soohyun laughed a bit, trying to hide his nerves, but was groaning on the inside. Why was he acting like such an idiot? Usually he functioned better than this, even sleep-deprived.
"Okay. Good luck. I hope... I hope it works out. And..." It had sounded like Soohyun was about to say more, but what? AJ played with his lip, then said, "It's good to hear your voice too."
The smile that overtook Soohyun's face made his cheeks hurt, made his eyes crinkle and his entire body fill with warmth. "Thank you, AJ. So much. For everything." He turned off his alarm just before it went off, not wanting to be interrupted. "I'll call you as soon as I talk to the manager, promise."
AJ's smile matched Soohyun’s, though he didn't know it. "Okay. Deal. And, until then… promise me you'll take care of yourself too, okay? Like, for example, if some weird kid calls you at 5 am you probably shouldn't let him keep you up for too long."
Soohyun let out a light laugh, the first since AJ had left. "I promise. Now I've got to go before I'm late for schedule." He gripped the phone tightly, not wanting to let go despite his words. "Goodbye, AJ."
Now that the phone call was almost ending, AJ felt himself wanting to cling on even tighter to the phone, to the sound of Soohyun's voice, but he knew how busy Soohyun must be. He knew way too well. "Goodbye Soohyun. Talk to you soon, right?"
"Of course." I miss you too much to wait too long, Soohyun thought.
"Until later then, Soohyun."
Soohyun blew out a breath, almost like a sigh. “Goodbye.”
AJ hung up the phone and set it down on the desk in front of him. He breathed out. That had gone pretty well after all. Now he'd just have to wait and see...
~*~
Soohyun flopped down on his bed, completely exhausted from a day full of schedules. His hair was still slightly damp and dripping from his shower but he was too tired to try and dry it, opting instead to drag his pillow closer and bury his face in the soft fabric. It wasn’t too cold in the room, so what was the harm? After all, he needed the sleep and staying up meant dealing with the awkwardness of sharing a room with people who suddenly didn’t want anything to do with him. If he could just fall asleep before Eli and Dongho got back from the showers…
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door and Soohyun groaned, rolling to the side of the bed and sitting up. No escape tonight, then. He padded softly to the door and pulled it open, eyes widening a bit when he saw their manager on the other side. He stepped back quickly to let the other man in.
The manager smiled softly and walked further into the room, waiting until Soohyun shut the door to turn around. Soohyun smiled nervously in return.
“Hello, manager. Is there something I can help you with?”
“No, everything’s fine.” He sat down at one of the small chairs in the corner of the room and Soohyun realized there was a box on his lap, which had been hidden behind his back until that moment. “This came in the mail for you. I saw it and thought I’d bring it up tonight so you didn’t have to wait until morning. It came all the way from America, so I figured it was important?” He looked to Soohyun for confirmation and was slightly surprised to see the younger man blush, cheeks turning a soft shade of pink.
“Um, yeah, it is.” Soohyun took a few cautious steps forward and took the box carefully, reading the return address just to be sure, before he got his hopes up. But there it was in black and white, AJ’s name and his dorm number at Columbia University.
Without setting the box down, he ran to his bag to dig out a small pair of scissors, not wasting a moment before he was cutting through the rows of tape that surrounded the box’s edges. He pried back the cardboard then froze when he saw what was inside.
He reached into the box with shaking hands and pulled out a navy blue hoodie, ‘Columbia’ written in big, bold, white letters across the front. The fabric was soft in his hands and as he pulled it closer a familiar smell filled his senses. AJ. His breath caught in his throat. He hugged the sweatshirt tighter to his chest, burying his face in the well-worn material as he looked back down into the box where a small sheet of paper was waiting. His eyes began to water slightly as he read it.
So that you’ll know I’m there with you.
A hand suddenly landed on his shoulder and Soohyun jerked, letting out a small yelp and falling back onto the bed. He stared up at the manager with wide eyes. “Wh-what?”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Just making sure you’re okay.”
Soohyun nodded, sitting back up. “I’m fine.” He clutched the sweatshirt tighter in his hands before pulling it over his head, wrapping his arms around himself and breathing in, a small smile on his face. “I’m definitely fine.”
The manager grinned, leaning forward to rest a hand on Soohyun’s now hooded forehead. “That’s great.” He took a deep breath and shoved his hands in his pockets, making his way back towards the door, a smile still on his face. How long had it been since he’d seen Soohyun genuinely happy? His hand on the doorknob, he murmured to himself. “I’ll have to remember to thank AJ when he gets back…”
Not able to hear exactly what his manager had just said, Soohyun called towards the door, “I’m sorry, what did you say?”
There was a soft click as the door was shut and Soohyun leaned back against the headboard, thoroughly confused. What had that been about? But then he looked down and burst into a fit of giggles, rolling around on the bed like an idiot. He was wearing AJ’s sweatshirt! Then, he paused, chest heaving into the mattress. Wasn’t he acting just a bit too much like an excited girlfriend having finally received a gift from a long-distance lover? His eyes widened and his face turned a bright shade of red. What in the world was he thinking?
With a firm shake of his head, he sat up, pressing the palms of his hands to the sides of his face. “Shin Soohyun, you are not allowed to think like that.” He slapped himself lightly a few times then blushed again when he realized that his hands were completely coved by the warm material, even his fingertips encased inside. AJ really was tall… and apparently had long arms… arms which had been wrapped around Soohyun, holding him, pressing him close…
“Aaaaargh!” Soohyun flopped back on the bed and rolled back and forth, not stopping until he was going over the edge, landing on the floor with a loud thud. He groaned into the carpet for a moment then let out a sigh. He’d just stay here for the night… it was too warm to be in a bed anyway.
Curling up into a tight ball, back pressed up against the bed, Soohyun shut his eyes, willing sleep to come. He was just delirious or something, that was all. Letting out another sigh, he pulled his arms in closer, fabric-covered fingertips tapping against his lips which couldn’t help but curve into a smile.
It seemed like a dream when Soohyun next heard voices, the quiet opening and closing of doors, footsteps coming closer, feeling them in his skin. He felt someone stoop beside him and then solid arms were wrapping beneath his body, lifting him up, a voice telling someone to clear off the bed. Soon he was drifting out again, blankets pulled up to his chin, a warm hand on his forehead and another, smaller hand pushing back the hair that had fallen from beneath his hood. He sighed softly, feeling warm and safe before falling back to sleep.
~*~
It had been about a week since his phone call with Soohyun, and AJ felt mostly normal again. So far today he’d gone to classes and eaten dinner, and now, after spending a wasted hour distracting himself, he was finally able to concentrate on writing his essay. He even had his notes spread out in front of him on his bed, all perfectly organized in his vision and in his head. Then his phone rang. It was on his desk but he jumped up to get it immediately, the carefully arranged papers spilling everywhere. When he saw who it was he paused. It wasn’t who he had expected-or been waiting for, really-but somebody else. That was either a good sign… or a really bad one. What if something had happened to Soohyun? Something that was so bad that Soohyun wasn’t even able to call? So bad that someone else had to call instead, to tell AJ…
He gulped down his worst-case-scenario theories, cleared his throat, and answered. “Hey Hoon, what’s up?”
"Hey AJ,” Hoon said, “And... uh... there are a few things. But first, how're you?"
A few things? That was ominous. But Hoon hadn't said anything like Soohyun is in the hospital or Soohyun was in an accident or even Soohyun has gone missing; do you know where he'd go? so he figured it was okay. "I'm good! It's good to hear from you! How's everyone been?"
"That's great, I'm glad to hear you're doing well. And... I have a feeling you already know, right?"
"Uh, yeah, Soohyun's been telling me... some things."
"Some things... Well, I think it's safe to assume that he pretty much blamed himself for everything? And that he said everything we were doing is because he wasn't good enough?"
AJ sighed. “Yeah. Pretty much.”
Hoon cleared his throat. "Well, I think it's time both sides of the story came together. And since you've already heard Soohyun's... I think it's time you heard ours."
"Yeah, it... He's been really hard on himself, and when you all weren't talking to him it didn't help." That had come out a little harsh, but it was better than the WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? that initially occurred to him.
"It wasn't that we didn't talk to him. I promise. It's just that we didn't talk to him. We didn't want him to worry."
"Mmm, well, he just took that to mean that you didn't trust him anymore." AJ sighed again. He wished that he didn't have to play the messenger between Soohyun and the other members. He didn't know how things had gotten so confused.
Hoon took a long moment before responding, taking a deep breath and trying to sound as inoffensive as possible. "Well, and, please AJ, don't take this the wrong way, but... in some ways we didn't trust him anymore. As a leader, we trust him. As a friend, we trust him. But... you talk to him, AJ, you have to know. Soohyun... he… something isn't right."
AJ bit his lip. “Yeah, he… He’s not… He’s not all right right now.” That was all he could say. Without breaking down and letting loose all his anxiety about his friend, and all his frustration with himself for not being able to do anything to help him.
“We’re all really worried about him. Even before you left, he wasn’t quite right. But then… pretty much as soon as we had sent you off… he was a mess. He doesn’t sleep much anymore. Eli and Dongho have been telling me how he gets up in the middle of the night and goes for walks; they’re really worried that something will happen. It’s not safe for anyone to be on the streets late at night, let alone an idol.” He took a moment to pause, running a hand across his face. Everything was so screwed up. “Kiseop’s taken it really hard. You left, and then Soohyun basically left with you. You know how close those two were… he’s completely lost right now, clumsier than ever. In all seriousness, it’s actually getting dangerous. And then Eli decided to be stupid, and Kevin had to get all worked up, and Soohyun thought it was his fault and tried to intervene but it just turned into a mess. And Dongho’s been acting up because Soohyun isn’t paying attention to him anymore. He hasn’t really been paying attention to anything… besides you.”
AJ froze. Nothing but him… That sounded really nice, in a way… But if it was making Soohyun worse instead of better then it wasn’t good. “I’ve been trying to help him,” he said, “but I don’t know if it’s worked at all.”
Hoon sighed, a long, drawn-out and weary sound. "You're helping, AJ. Honestly, I don't even want to think about how it'd be if he didn't have you to talk to."
"Yeah, but... I should be able to do more. I should be... I should be there." AJ closed his eyes. Why did his two dreams have to conflict with each other? It wasn't fair.
"No, AJ, you shouldn't be here. You made your decision and you need to stick with it. Don't be indecisive, it'll only hurt Soohyun more. And in a way, I'm glad this is happening. It's good for all of us, to get through this."
AJ took a deep breath and opened his eyes. It was true. He wasn't a psychologist, not yet. And he wasn’t all there was to U-KISS. It didn't all depend on him. "I am glad that I'm here,” he said. “But sometimes... a lot of the time... I worry. How has he been recently? I talked to him on the phone a little while ago."
"He's been...better." A small chuckle escaped Hoon's lips. "Especially since you sent the sweatshirt."
"Oh, yeah?" AJ felt himself start to blush. Why was he doing that? At least Hoon couldn't see. "That's good."
"Mhmm, yup. Although, it has made life difficult for the cordinoonas. They have to practically pry the thing off of him. Last time, before an interview, I had to bribe him with some of my bento to get him to take it off."
AJ laughed. "Oh really?" Now he was blushing even harder. "I'm just glad he likes it. Though I'm also glad he still loves food more. He wouldn't be Soohyun if he didn't."
Hoon was laughing too. "Yeah, that's true. And it's good the thing has a pocket, that way he can keep your letters in the front and not have them constantly in his back pocket to make strange noises in the middle of shows."
"Oh, he really... uh..." AJ paced around the room. Hoon couldn't see him, but he still felt exposed and needed to squirm away the embarrassment. It wasn't that strange of a thing. AJ kept all Soohyun's letters in a folder he took everywhere, with him to all his classes and then in a bag when he went out, but that was different than having them during... performances. He hadn't realized that Soohyun really... He opened a window and stood by it. "He... uh... really keeps them all like that?" he asked, trying to keep his voice natural.
"He does, and I'm pretty sure he sleeps with them too. At least, I doubt he'd bother to take them out of the sweatshirt before he went to bed."
"Oh," AJ mumbled. He leaned closer to the window. "I suggested he come visit me," he told Hoon, to distract them both. If he imagined Soohyun, sleeping peacefully, in his sweatshirt with his letters in the pocket any longer he would explode. "I don't know if it's possible, but it was an idea."
"Hmm, actually, that's something else I wanted to talk to you about. Do you think it's a good idea, I mean, for him to go to New York?"
"I... I don't know. But I think he'd like to see me." AJ shut the window, the winter cold finally chilling him. It was even more clear how much Soohyun wanted to see AJ, if he was acting like that. It had seemed like such a good idea, for Soohyun to visit, but maybe it was only a really bad one. AJ couldn’t be his whole life, after all.
Hoon's voice was very soft. "I think he would too, AJ. But...would right now, with all of this going on, be the right time? Do you think it'd just make him feel even more useless, for us to just let him leave?"
AJ held back a sigh of relief. So Hoon didn't think it was a bad idea. He was just looking out for Soohyun. "Mmm..." AJ chewed on his lip again. "Not if you all talk to him about it. And," he added quickly, "I don't mean all attack him and make it seem like you're forcing him to leave, but let him know that... he's still wanted. But it's okay for him to do something for himself, and take a small break."
"Yeah, well, I know he and Kiseop are talking again. And I've been trying to strike up conversation. Now that things are calming down, hopefully the other members will try to reconnect." He blew out a breath and shook his head. "Everything's been insane. First you left and then Soohyun became all depressed and then everyone else started doing stupid shit. I think the manager wanted to shoot all of us." He paused, thinking for a moment. "But, Soohyun's better now, I think. Not completely back to normal, but better. The manager actually asked me if I thought it'd be a good idea to send Soohyun to see you. Even he's been able to see the effect you have on Soohyun."
AJ was too moved to say much other than, "I'm glad." Then he added, "Uh, do you think it's a good idea?"
"I think that so long as I take care of things on this end, it would be good for him to stay with you for a few days."
AJ smiled widely. "Thanks Hoon."
"Sure thing. And thank you for helping even though you're technically on hiatus."
"Of course. Anything for..." AJ stopped himself before he said Soohyun. "U-KISS."
Hoon smirked knowingly. "Sure, for U-KISS. Whatever you say."
AJ chose to ignore Hoon's teasing tone. "Take care, Hoon."
"Mhm, you too." Hoon decided to let AJ go on this one and instead cleared his throat, making sure he sounded completely serious for what he was about to say. "And remember, if you ever need help, we're always here. We're still your family, Jaeseop. Don't forget that."
"I know," AJ said, smiling again. "Thank you Hoon. And good luck with the others while Soohyun's gone."
Hoon let out a small groan. "Oh god, please don't remind me. Study hard so you can come back and save me."
AJ laughed. "Don't worry, I'll definitely come back. And Soohyun will too. Just keep Kiseop away from toasters in the meantime."
At that, Hoon couldn't help but laugh, the sound filling up the room. "I'll try my best, but there are no guarantees."
"With Kiseop, there never are,” AJ quipped.
"So true." Hoon sighed a bit, staring off at the wall. "Well, goodnight AJ. Hopefully you'll be getting a call from Soohyun very soon, with good news this time."
"Mmm, yes. Thanks. Goodnight. Err... Good morning."
Hoon chuckled softly. "Goodnight, AJ. Sleep well."
"Bye Hoon. Take care."
“Bye.”
After he hung up the phone, AJ kept pacing around, grinning to himself. Then his eyes fell upon the escaped papers on the ground and he remembered the essay he was supposed to be writing. He groaned. How would he be able to concentrate on that now? It had just been a dream, Soohyun coming to visit him, but now it seemed so close, almost real. And strange. After all this, what would it be like to really have Soohyun here? Soohyun, who wore his sweatshirt at all times, with the letters AJ had written in his pocket, thinking of him always…
Muttering to himself, AJ went to open the window again.
~*~
It had already been a little over a week since Soohyun had received AJ’s sweatshirt by the time he finally got AJ’s letter. He would’ve had it sooner, except that he had told AJ to send it to Japan, and they were back in Korea now, so there was the added transfer time. When he went to check his family’s mailbox, he was practically running the entire way. And when he finally had the letter in his hands, small white envelope covered in postage and marked with AJ’s handwriting, he immediately smiled and ran back to his room.
He took a moment to stare at the envelope before opening it, tracing his fingers over the front. Something about seeing his name… knowing AJ had written it… made a warm feeling well up in his chest. But eventually the need to see what was inside won over and he tore open the top, unfolding a piece of notebook paper and leaning back to read through the contents.
Once he was finished, he immediately read through it again, unable to believe what he was seeing. AJ… missed him, wanted to be like him, thought he was attractive. Soohyun felt his face heating up at that, a blush burning beneath his skin as he considered the possibility that AJ found him good-looking. It was too good to be true. But, why? Why was it so remarkable that AJ found him attractive? Shouldn’t he think it weird, for another man to be saying that about him?
Soohyun decided to just take it as it was, accepting the words with gratitude and his mysterious happiness with a grain of salt-there was no point in fighting it anyway. AJ had wanted him to be happy, and he was, so it had to be a good thing.
He kept reading, stopping to reread lines like You’re the one I want to be like and I miss you so much over and over again. He couldn’t control the happiness bubbling out of him, pushing past his lips and curving them into a smile, letting small chuckles out into the air. AJ liked him, respected him, cared enough about him to actually want to see him again. AJ… wanted Soohyun to go to New York.
Reading the letter one last time for good measure, Soohyun decided that it wasn’t just pity or something else, it was really AJ wanting Soohyun to come see him, or at least being open to the idea and not feeling forced into it. Soohyun would take it either way, so long as he got to see AJ. He wanted to see what he would look like in his dorm room, surrounded by books; what he’d look like with his friends, laughing and having a good time; what he’d look like when he was asleep, that confident face finally relaxing. But-why in the world was he thinking about AJ sleeping?
Soohyun quickly shook himself, deciding to have no more strange thoughts. He was going to talk to the manager, see if he could go, and then he could start dreaming about all of the adventures. He’d make a point to ask tomorrow and would control himself until then. No sense in getting his hopes up for nothing.
But as he laid down to sleep, covers tucked tight around his neck, he couldn’t stop his mind from drifting to a country far away, where he knew AJ was awake and working hard, doing his best to make a future for himself. And somehow, somewhere, in a place just at the edge of Soohyun’s mind, he secretly hoped that he’d always be a part of that future.
~*~
After picking up the package, AJ practically ran back to his room, confusing all those unfortunate enough to be in his way on the sidewalk. Once safely inside, he didn’t even bother getting scissors, but cut through the tape with his key. It was from Soohyun, of course, but what was in it? He honestly had no idea. He hadn’t heard anything since Hoon had called him, and didn't know whether Soohyun’s request had been granted. No news was good news, but with this... he couldn't be sure.
He laughed when he saw the shirt. Soohyun’s name was printed, in both English and Hangeul, in white letters on the bright pink fabric. He unfolded it and flipped it around, finding the word “U-KISS” on the back, which made him smile even more. He hadn’t brought anything band-related with him, so he was glad to see the logo again. It must be something for AJ to wear so he’d think of him, just like Soohyun wore his sweatshirt. AJ wouldn’t mind that. Though the hot pink would definitely make people look at him.
Then he saw the note. It had been tucked underneath the shirt and hidden from him before. In Soohyun’s scrawl, it said, “Wear this when you come pick me up.” And attached to it was another piece of paper. “Arrival time,” it read. At JFK Airport. With a date. A date that was very soon.
AJ felt so many overwhelming things at once he wasn’t sure how to react, so he just buried his face in the shirt for a long time. Then he leapt to his feet and danced around the room, waving the shirt around, a little like the silly dance to Kiss Me Forever, but mostly just like a crazy person. Soohyun was coming here. Soohyun would be here, with him. He would finally see him, be in the same room as him. He hadn't realized until this moment how much he missed the other boy, how often his heart clenched in loneliness, in his need to be around him. Soon all that would be alleviated.
Very soon, actually. He looked around his room. It was mostly tidy, which was a start. He'd said he could accommodate Soohyun, but how was he to do that? And when was the last time he'd washed his sheets? He should do that first thing. If Soohyun was going to sleep on his floor-or if AJ would put Soohyun in the bed and sleep there himself-he would need to get an air mattress or something; he'd have to ask his friends if any of them had one. Was Soohyun's arrival time during one of his classes? He hoped not. And he'd have to make a list of all the places he wanted to take Soohyun. Would Soohyun want to see the big attractions, like the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Building? Or would he be content with a more low-key tour, one involving wandering around all the stores and food courts in Grand Central, strolling through a frozen Central Park, maybe even going ice skating... That last thought especially made him smile.
All those were logistics and he could sort them out. The main thing was that Soohyun was coming! AJ went back to dancing around his room before flopping down backwards on his bed and wrapping his arms around the shirt to press it against his chest. But, on a more serious note, having Soohyun here would also mean they'd have to have more in-depth conversations than the few they'd had already. Just because Soohyun would be with AJ didn't mean all his sadness would magically go away. Hoon had actually described him as 'depressed,' and that seemed about right. AJ would have to use whatever knowledge a term's worth of psychology classes had granted him and everything else he had to try to help Soohyun find balance... as much as he could. Because there was only so much AJ, or a sweatshirt, could do. He just hoped he’d be enough.
But all that could be for later, because right now AJ was going to dance around his room some more, and then... put his sheets in the wash, and then... dance some more, and then... smile, like he was now. Just keep on smiling, until Soohyun got here, and then he could smile even more.
Pairing: AJ/Soohyun
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Soohyun is more depressed than ever and AJ doesn’t know what to do.
~*~*~*~*~
PART TWO
~*~*~*~*~
AJ had been mostly hungover all day so it wasn’t until the afternoon that he checked his campus mailbox and found the letter. One of his friends he had gone drinking with the night before was with him and commented on it. A letter all the way from Korea? That was definitely something different. AJ made excuses and hurried back to his room to read it. But he found himself sitting at his desk with the unopened envelope in front of him, too afraid to open it. What would it say? He knew what he wanted it to say: I took your advice and the other members are getting along better now. You’re right, I’ve been too hard on myself, but I won’t do that from now on. But that was unlikely. Well, something positive had to have happened since the last letter and now, right? Soohyun said it had been hell. Usually once circumstances reached hell-like lows, they reversed direction and climbed back up. That was what he hoped. But all he had was hope.
The other reason he hesitated was because he hadn’t really been thinking about Soohyun and the band lately. He’d been getting closer to his new friends here, spending more time with them, getting into mischief with them, especially last night, which had involved a lot of bars and running back and forth across the Brooklyn Bridge… Not that he had forgotten completely. He’d think of Soohyun every night before he went to sleep, usually in an angsty rush. Soohyun was out there, without him, hating himself. If only Soohyun could see… If only he could know… But there was nothing AJ could do, so he fell asleep, and then got up in the morning and went on with his life, his classes, his friends. He felt bad about it, as if he were abandoning his other life, but he had to be where he was now. He had chosen to do this, and he was going to enjoy it. Though this week he had a giant paper to finish, and he wasn’t sure he was going to enjoy that.
He sighed. He was already late receiving Soohyun’s words. No use putting it off any longer.
After he was done reading, he just sat there. Then he laid his head down on his arms, because he’d had a slight headache before but now it was throbbing. But he didn’t stay long in that position. He burst to his feet, looking for something else to do, but all the laundry was in its correct location, all his books were stacked, and all his jackets hung up in the closet. Nothing was out of place. He wanted to tear it all apart, but that really wouldn’t help.
He sat back down. He could scribble it all out, at least.
Soohyun, that’s not a secret. That’s a lie. You’re the leader because you’re the best of us. You sing better than Hoon and Kevin put together, especially live, and they know that. You’re the one who always corrects our dance moves when we do it wrong. And… you are really attractive, Soohyun, even if you can’t see it.
AJ stopped, finding himself not quite able to breathe correctly. He couldn’t tell what the others were up to, what had really happened at the meeting. He couldn’t believe that it was like Soohyun had described, that they would ever consider kicking him out of the band or removing him as the leader. It almost sounded like they were trying to reduce some of the stress Soohyun was under by giving him fewer responsibilities. But why weren’t the other members talking to him, at least? The way they were going about it wouldn’t work at all, they were just making Soohyun feel like he was truly incompetent. They needed to be taking the same psychology classes AJ was.
AJ picked up Soohyun’s letter again. I miss you so much that it hurts sometimes, he had written. AJ’s hands starting shaking. And here he had been, having fun without him, while Soohyun was going through this. Alone. I miss you so much it hurts. Maybe it was because it hurt so much that AJ had tried not to think about it. Because it was too much. AJ couldn’t handle it; he didn’t know how Soohyun could. Well, Soohyun wasn’t. He had crossed something out at the end, black lines obscuring all of what the final words had been so that AJ couldn’t read them at all. Something so bad he couldn’t even let AJ know-though he wanted to, since he had written it down in the first place. It ached to be expressed. How long had passed since he had written this letter and now? How long had Soohyun been feeling whatever those last words were? Without AJ. It was too much. Soohyun couldn’t take it, and AJ couldn’t either, he couldn’t…
Before he knew it he was sobbing, his tears splattering all over the page. He buried his face in his arms so maybe some of what he and Soohyun had written would survive the storm. He felt torn in two. He should just get on a plane and get out of here and go back to where he really belonged before things got worse. But… But…
I wish I could make you happy, Soohyun had written. “No, Soohyun,” AJ whispered, tears still falling. “I wish I could make you happy.”
He looked back down at the first few scribbled lines of his response letter. What else could he say? He wanted to say everything, refute every single thing Soohyun had said, but he didn’t think that would sink in anymore than anything else he had already tried to tell him. Should he just call Soohyun? Should he call all the other members and tell them to stop being assholes? Should he…
AJ moaned, raising his head. This was impossible. Well. At least Soohyun was telling him things now. Except for whatever those last words had been. He traced them with his thumb. He had to do something. Even if it wasn’t enough.
I’m glad you were able to support Kiseop during the meeting at least. I think the other members and the manager are trying to make things easier for you even if they’re going about it the wrong way.
Don’t apologize for anything, Soohyun, don’t ever apologize. I’m the one who feels worthless, not able to actually be there or do anything for you. And I want to be, so badly. I wish you could see yourself the way I do, Soohyun. You are the one thing that makes U-KISS U-KISS. You are always the brightest thing in the room. You’re the one I want to be like. That’s why you’re the leader and that’s why
AJ hesitated, but kept writing anyway:
and that’s why I miss you so much. Okay, Soohyun? I’m missing you, and you’re missing me, we’re both missing each other, so it’s going to be okay. Hang in there, and stay the same strong Soohyun that I know you are. Not for me or anyone else, but for yourself, because that’s who you’re meant to be.
Then AJ stopped again, because he had an idea. He couldn’t leave and go where Soohyun was, but maybe… Soohyun could come here. It seemed unlikely. It would be a big inconvenience for Soohyun, and he would probably feel even worse when he wasn’t able to and had to disappoint AJ again. But AJ wanted to suggest it anyway. Then Soohyun would know that he was thinking about him, that he didn’t think he was just an annoyance. That at least he wanted to be close to him.
I was thinking that maybe you could come visit me here in New York. It’s probably a bad idea, so don’t feel bad if it doesn’t work out, but I think it’d be great to see each other if you can somehow find the time. Let me know. And don’t be afraid to call me, okay?
AJ folded the letter and sealed it up to be sent right away. He was running straight to a 24/7 FedEx for this one.
He hurried out and back, and then went to his computer. It’d been a while since he’d looked up U-KISS stuff on the web. It felt weird, doing that, like he really was an outsider now, looking in. There were some videos with the whole band looking sleep-deprived-could the fans really not tell? Soohyun especially. In this clip he even had… was that a bandage on his wrist?
AJ’s eyes went wide as he leaned closer to his screen. He backed the video up a few seconds. Maybe it was just some weird bracelet that the coordinoonas thought was trendy. He stared at Soohyun’s arm, and just Soohyun’s arm. He was holding it tight against his side during the interview, like he didn’t want it to show, but it was definitely a white, tightly wound bandage. On his wrist. Fuck.
AJ stopped breathing. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed. Was everyone else insane? Could they not see what was happening? Could they not tell what was going on? AJ thought he knew what those last lines on the page must’ve been. He tried to calm himself as the phone rang. He wanted to cry, to yell, to scream, to ask what the fuck was going on. But he didn’t want to scare Soohyun out of telling him anything. So he forced himself to take a deep breath, and act natural. Natural.
~*~
Soohyun's phone buzzed loudly from its spot a few inches from his ear, a place that had become its nighttime home as of late. He groaned and groped blindly in the dark, arm reaching out across the pillow, fingers closing around the device and eyes just making out the incoming ID. Flipping onto his back and squinting at the ceiling, he pressed the accept button then held the phone to his ear. Even before he spoke he knew he was going to sound like hell. "AJ?" Yup, he sounded like a chain smoker. Perfect.
"Hey, Soohyun buddy, how's it going?" AJ said in the most cheerful voice he could manage. Probably one that scared Soohyun more than anything else would've. He felt like smashing his head against his desk, but figured Soohyun would probably hear that through the phone.
Soohyun tried to force himself awake, blinking his eyes and stretching, not able to keep the gravel out of his voice as he spoke. "I'm fine but, what time is it?"
"It's, uhhh, late, or, early, but... uhhh... Soohyun, I got your letter. And I sent one back just now. But..." AJ wasn't going to hold back anymore. Obviously all his thoughtful prose and caution wasn't doing anything. "I'm worried about you, Soohyun. I'm really worried. And before you try to apologize for that... don't."
"Wait, what?" Soohyun pushed himself up and ran a hand across his face, trying to force his mind to process what he had just heard. "What am I apologizing for?" Soohyun felt like an idiot, but it was 5 am! Why AJ was calling that early Soohyun didn't know, but he did know that he was having a hell of a time waking up. He hadn't gotten to bed until after midnight anyway. He groaned softly to himself. Tomorrow...today… was going to be terrible.
AJ realized his incoherency wasn't helping. "Sorry, it's just... I just wanted to know if you're okay, Soohyun. Because... There was something you wrote at the end of your letter, but crossed out. And I want to know what it is."
Soohyun stared into space for a moment, trying to make himself remember. "That? I don't even know..."
AJ took more deep breaths. This was so dumb. Soohyun couldn't even think at whatever time of day it was back in Korea, obviously. But he wasn't stopping. He prompted, "You were saying something about how... you were needy and worthless." It felt so wrong to repeat Soohyun's statements back to him without refuting them, but hopefully that would get Soohyun to remember.
As AJ was speaking, little pieces of memory were trickling into Soohyun's mind. The letter... what had he written? He had been talking about the meeting, about missing AJ, about... about... that's right. Being worthless. He closed his eyes, curling in on himself, burying his head between his knees. He remembered.
"It wasn't important." His voice was barely a whisper; he half hoped AJ wouldn't be able to hear.
"No Soohyun, it is important!" AJ said, his voice rising. "Why are you thinking all those lies about yourself? That you're needy and worthless? You really think I would think that? And you..." AJ fought against the tightness in his throat. "You would really want to cross yourself out, just like those lines in the letter?" He felt like crying again, like earlier, goddamnit.
Soohyun's head was swirling. What was AJ talking about? He didn't understand anything anymore. Why did AJ care so much? Why did AJ believe in him more than he believed in himself? He heard AJ's breath hitch, just faintly, and he knew that he had to give AJ this. He had to give this part of himself up, lay himself out bare. He had to trust AJ... and he did.
But that didn't make it any easier.
"Soohyun..." AJ bit the inside of his lip and clenched his eyes closed to try to hold back tears. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be yelling. I don't want to make you... I don't want you to be afraid to tell me anything. So please. Please help me understand."
“Sometimes I wish I could just go away.” The words felt wrong on his tongue, heavy. He knew the repercussions that came with them. He murmured them as softly as he could, until even his own ears struggled to pick up the sound. But the bitter taste they left in his mouth was unavoidable. The truth and wrongness of it.
"Soohyun..." AJ whispered. Then the tears fell. He couldn't stop them and he didn't care. "No... Please... Please don't think that. I don't know how I can make you stop thinking that, I don't know what to do, but... Soohyun. This world without you, my life without you... I can't imagine it."
He could imagine it. It was this life, his one in New York, full of lots of fun sights and sounds and experiences, light on the river, the smell of peanuts roasting in the cold air, the shadows of churches darkening his steps as he raced to keep up with the stream of moving bodies. Learning things, everywhere every day. So full. And yet so empty. "It would be nothing. Soohyun. Please. You said that... you needed me. But, Soohyun... I need you too. I need you. So don't... Please..."
Soohyun could tell AJ was crying. He could hear the tiny sounds from across the phone, oceans apart, he could feel the burn of tears on his skin. And it was his fault. He pressed his knees tighter to his head, until the phone was pinned to his ear and he could clench his shoulders with his hands. He was tired and confused and not ready to handle all of these emotions, not when he could barely keep himself together when he was fully conscious. "I'm sorry, AJ." Silent tears coursed down his face and he shut his eyes tight, voice cracking as he spoke. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't apologize, Soohyun. Don't. Just let me help you. Any way I can.”
Even though AJ couldn't see, Soohyun shook his head. There was nothing, not like this.
“Besides, I'm the one who should be sorry, Soohyun,” he said, “because I should be there, but I'm not. Not like I want to be."
Soohyun choked back a sob, knuckles turning white as he clutched himself tighter. “I need you, AJ. So much. Please…”
"I'm here, Soohyun, I'm here, now. I'm here now . So you don't have to... You don't have to hurt yourself." AJ's last words came out very soft, forcing their way out of him.
Soohyun froze, his entire body clenching at those words. His eyes jerked open in shock. "What?"
AJ took a shuddering breath, steeling himself. "I saw... I was watching an interview with you guys, and I saw... the bandage on your wrist, Soohyun."
"The bandage on my..." Soohyun leaned back a bit, unraveling just enough to peak at the cloth tied above his hand. "You think I did it to myself?"
"Y-Yes?" AJ answered. "It just looked like..." He took a second to clear his throat and contain himself. "You mean... you didn't?" He looked down. Once again, the wooden surface of his desk looked right for forehead-smashing.
Hearing the hesitation in AJ's voice, Soohyun allowed himself to relax just a bit. "No, I didn't do it to myself. Unless you count my choosing to be friends with Kiseop."
"Wh-What?" A laugh escaped AJ's lips.
“Yeah, well, you know how the other members have been acting strange around me?” Receiving a sound of acknowledgment from AJ, Soohyun continued with his story. “The other day I walked into the kitchen and Kiseop was standing alone at the counter. When he saw me walk in he grabbed the first thing he saw and actually tried to shove his head into the toaster… which was plugged in and turned on. So I jumped forward and grabbed it from him but somehow my wrist got kind of jammed into one of the slots, and… yeah.” Soohyun shook his head, tracing the bandage lightly with his fingers. “But on the bright side… it got Kiseop to talk to me.”
"Haha, that's... That's really..." AJ started laughing and couldn't stop for a while. When he finally finished, he added, "But... ow. Ow."
Soohyun’s mouth pulled up just slightly at the corner. “Yeah, luckily the burns were only minor. Otherwise I would’ve had a human-sized growth all day.” He chuckled a bit. “Kiseop felt really bad about it, but once the shock was over I just couldn’t stop laughing. Only around Kiseop would this ever happen.”
"Yeah, I know, right?" AJ laughed again. Then he said, "But, seriously, that must've hurt a lot, are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine. So long as I keep the bandage on it should be healed within a week." Tracing his fingers over the white cloth, he rested his head on his knee, cheek pressed into the fabric of his pajama pants. "It might scar though. Hopefully it doesn't. I don't think Kiseop would ever forgive himself if it did."
"That's good then," AJ said. "I'm really glad that... that you wouldn't hurt yourself, Soohyun."
"Of course I wouldn't, not like that."
AJ started to laugh again in relief but then froze. Had Soohyun said it that way without thinking, or was it intentional? He’d already believed Soohyun was capable of hurting himself, and now, the way he was talking… “Soohyun. What do you mean, ‘not like that’?”
Soohyun was quiet for a long time before finally murmuring in a defeated voice, mouth partially pressed into his knee, muffling the sound. "I said, not like that. Not anywhere anyone would see."
"Soohyun..." AJ just barely kept himself from screaming out his next words. "No. No. NO." Then he stopped himself again. This way Soohyun would only feel more guilty. And more sad. He couldn't do that to him. "Soohyun... I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. The way everyone else sees you. As a shining, strong force, so bright, and so beautiful. If you could see that... then you wouldn't have to think such things. Then you wouldn't focus only on what you think you're lacking, but instead see what you are."
Soohyun laughed hollowly, shaking his head. "AJ, I don't know who you think you're looking at, but it isn't me. I'm sorry."
“Yes it is Soohyun, it is. I just wish I knew how… I could get you to see that. Is there anything I can do, Soohyun? Anything?”
"I just feel empty, AJ. Empty and alone. You're all the way over in America and I'm here.” Soohyun clenched his arms and took a deep breath. “But don’t worry, I promise I won’t do anything. Not now, anyway. I don’t want to cause any more problems.”
"Soohyun, you're not... you're not causing problems, it's..." AJ sighed. "But that's good, I'm glad." He paused, biting his lip. Not now, anyway, was what Soohyun had actually said. All it would take was one more thing to push Soohyun over the edge, and then he would be falling even further away from him. "I'm still here for you, Soohyun. I'm always here for you." But clearly just saying that, all the way from New York City, wasn't enough. "Soohyun… I put this is in my letter too, but... Do you think there'd be a way for you to come see me? Then we wouldn't be so far away from each other, and maybe... you would feel better." And AJ would feel better too. And his empty arms and his empty hands would finally be able to be of some use.
Soohyun was quiet for a long time, just thinking, wondering if AJ had meant it. He took a tentative breath. "You really want me to come to New York?"
"Yes, yes I do."
"But... where would I stay? And you have classes!" Soohyun was stammering now, cursing himself for sounding like an over-eager puppy, stumbling over itself.
"Eh, you could sleep on my floor or something, there's some room. And don't worry about my classes; we'd work around my schedule. I mean... if you want to come."
"Of course I want to... but, I'd have to talk to the manager. And probably rearrange my schedule..." His eyebrows furrowed the more he thought about it. He wanted to go so badly... but he might not be able to. And what about the rest of the band? He thought back to the past few weeks and sniffled softly: they didn't need him. "I'll-I’ll ask about it. I'll ask about it and then I’ll let you know."
"Good. Great. If you can't, don't worry about it, it was just an idea. But it would be really great to be able to see you. Really. Soohyun. Don't think that... This distance is by choice."
"It would be great to see you too, AJ. And trust me, I know." He pulled himself into a tighter ball, body centered around the small device in his hand, to the voice on the other end of the phone. "I know."
“Good.” AJ felt lame for repeating that. If he were physically there with Soohyun right now, what would he be doing instead of giving him these useless words? He’d be holding him. Then Soohyun would know, without words, what he wanted him to know. He wished he could be doing that now. He wished… “I wish I could be holding you right now.” AJ leaned back in his chair, his eyes wide. He had just said that out loud by accident. Ah shit. No taking it back now… Not that he would. It was true. And now Soohyun would know.
Soohyun's mind went blank. Had AJ just said that... for real? "I wish you were holding me too." The words came naturally, slipping from his lips without any restraint. And he felt no regret either, in finally letting them go.
There was a long silence. AJ smiled to himself and he hoped Soohyun was too. Then he said, "Well, I should probably let you get back to sleep. Or... wake up. Since it's..." He looked at the clock on his computer set to Seoul time. "6 am."
Soohyun groaned and flopped back onto the bed. “You’re kidding, right?”
"I wish I were." AJ grimaced. "Sorry."
"No, it's fine. I'll just have to steal some of Eli's Red Bull." Soohyun rubbed his eyes and stretched, yawning a bit. "It's nothing that we haven't all been through before."
"Mmm, but now it's... it's because of me. But I hope... I hope I helped you a little, Soohyun."
"Of course you did, AJ. Just hearing your voice..." Soohyun stopped abruptly, blush creeping over his features. What the hell was he going to say? He shook his head and cleared his throat. "You're always helpful, AJ. So don't feel bad for calling. I'm glad you did. I might wait a few days to talk to the manager about New York though... so that he won't see the big bags under my eyes." Soohyun laughed a bit, trying to hide his nerves, but was groaning on the inside. Why was he acting like such an idiot? Usually he functioned better than this, even sleep-deprived.
"Okay. Good luck. I hope... I hope it works out. And..." It had sounded like Soohyun was about to say more, but what? AJ played with his lip, then said, "It's good to hear your voice too."
The smile that overtook Soohyun's face made his cheeks hurt, made his eyes crinkle and his entire body fill with warmth. "Thank you, AJ. So much. For everything." He turned off his alarm just before it went off, not wanting to be interrupted. "I'll call you as soon as I talk to the manager, promise."
AJ's smile matched Soohyun’s, though he didn't know it. "Okay. Deal. And, until then… promise me you'll take care of yourself too, okay? Like, for example, if some weird kid calls you at 5 am you probably shouldn't let him keep you up for too long."
Soohyun let out a light laugh, the first since AJ had left. "I promise. Now I've got to go before I'm late for schedule." He gripped the phone tightly, not wanting to let go despite his words. "Goodbye, AJ."
Now that the phone call was almost ending, AJ felt himself wanting to cling on even tighter to the phone, to the sound of Soohyun's voice, but he knew how busy Soohyun must be. He knew way too well. "Goodbye Soohyun. Talk to you soon, right?"
"Of course." I miss you too much to wait too long, Soohyun thought.
"Until later then, Soohyun."
Soohyun blew out a breath, almost like a sigh. “Goodbye.”
AJ hung up the phone and set it down on the desk in front of him. He breathed out. That had gone pretty well after all. Now he'd just have to wait and see...
~*~
Soohyun flopped down on his bed, completely exhausted from a day full of schedules. His hair was still slightly damp and dripping from his shower but he was too tired to try and dry it, opting instead to drag his pillow closer and bury his face in the soft fabric. It wasn’t too cold in the room, so what was the harm? After all, he needed the sleep and staying up meant dealing with the awkwardness of sharing a room with people who suddenly didn’t want anything to do with him. If he could just fall asleep before Eli and Dongho got back from the showers…
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door and Soohyun groaned, rolling to the side of the bed and sitting up. No escape tonight, then. He padded softly to the door and pulled it open, eyes widening a bit when he saw their manager on the other side. He stepped back quickly to let the other man in.
The manager smiled softly and walked further into the room, waiting until Soohyun shut the door to turn around. Soohyun smiled nervously in return.
“Hello, manager. Is there something I can help you with?”
“No, everything’s fine.” He sat down at one of the small chairs in the corner of the room and Soohyun realized there was a box on his lap, which had been hidden behind his back until that moment. “This came in the mail for you. I saw it and thought I’d bring it up tonight so you didn’t have to wait until morning. It came all the way from America, so I figured it was important?” He looked to Soohyun for confirmation and was slightly surprised to see the younger man blush, cheeks turning a soft shade of pink.
“Um, yeah, it is.” Soohyun took a few cautious steps forward and took the box carefully, reading the return address just to be sure, before he got his hopes up. But there it was in black and white, AJ’s name and his dorm number at Columbia University.
Without setting the box down, he ran to his bag to dig out a small pair of scissors, not wasting a moment before he was cutting through the rows of tape that surrounded the box’s edges. He pried back the cardboard then froze when he saw what was inside.
He reached into the box with shaking hands and pulled out a navy blue hoodie, ‘Columbia’ written in big, bold, white letters across the front. The fabric was soft in his hands and as he pulled it closer a familiar smell filled his senses. AJ. His breath caught in his throat. He hugged the sweatshirt tighter to his chest, burying his face in the well-worn material as he looked back down into the box where a small sheet of paper was waiting. His eyes began to water slightly as he read it.
So that you’ll know I’m there with you.
A hand suddenly landed on his shoulder and Soohyun jerked, letting out a small yelp and falling back onto the bed. He stared up at the manager with wide eyes. “Wh-what?”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Just making sure you’re okay.”
Soohyun nodded, sitting back up. “I’m fine.” He clutched the sweatshirt tighter in his hands before pulling it over his head, wrapping his arms around himself and breathing in, a small smile on his face. “I’m definitely fine.”
The manager grinned, leaning forward to rest a hand on Soohyun’s now hooded forehead. “That’s great.” He took a deep breath and shoved his hands in his pockets, making his way back towards the door, a smile still on his face. How long had it been since he’d seen Soohyun genuinely happy? His hand on the doorknob, he murmured to himself. “I’ll have to remember to thank AJ when he gets back…”
Not able to hear exactly what his manager had just said, Soohyun called towards the door, “I’m sorry, what did you say?”
There was a soft click as the door was shut and Soohyun leaned back against the headboard, thoroughly confused. What had that been about? But then he looked down and burst into a fit of giggles, rolling around on the bed like an idiot. He was wearing AJ’s sweatshirt! Then, he paused, chest heaving into the mattress. Wasn’t he acting just a bit too much like an excited girlfriend having finally received a gift from a long-distance lover? His eyes widened and his face turned a bright shade of red. What in the world was he thinking?
With a firm shake of his head, he sat up, pressing the palms of his hands to the sides of his face. “Shin Soohyun, you are not allowed to think like that.” He slapped himself lightly a few times then blushed again when he realized that his hands were completely coved by the warm material, even his fingertips encased inside. AJ really was tall… and apparently had long arms… arms which had been wrapped around Soohyun, holding him, pressing him close…
“Aaaaargh!” Soohyun flopped back on the bed and rolled back and forth, not stopping until he was going over the edge, landing on the floor with a loud thud. He groaned into the carpet for a moment then let out a sigh. He’d just stay here for the night… it was too warm to be in a bed anyway.
Curling up into a tight ball, back pressed up against the bed, Soohyun shut his eyes, willing sleep to come. He was just delirious or something, that was all. Letting out another sigh, he pulled his arms in closer, fabric-covered fingertips tapping against his lips which couldn’t help but curve into a smile.
It seemed like a dream when Soohyun next heard voices, the quiet opening and closing of doors, footsteps coming closer, feeling them in his skin. He felt someone stoop beside him and then solid arms were wrapping beneath his body, lifting him up, a voice telling someone to clear off the bed. Soon he was drifting out again, blankets pulled up to his chin, a warm hand on his forehead and another, smaller hand pushing back the hair that had fallen from beneath his hood. He sighed softly, feeling warm and safe before falling back to sleep.
~*~
It had been about a week since his phone call with Soohyun, and AJ felt mostly normal again. So far today he’d gone to classes and eaten dinner, and now, after spending a wasted hour distracting himself, he was finally able to concentrate on writing his essay. He even had his notes spread out in front of him on his bed, all perfectly organized in his vision and in his head. Then his phone rang. It was on his desk but he jumped up to get it immediately, the carefully arranged papers spilling everywhere. When he saw who it was he paused. It wasn’t who he had expected-or been waiting for, really-but somebody else. That was either a good sign… or a really bad one. What if something had happened to Soohyun? Something that was so bad that Soohyun wasn’t even able to call? So bad that someone else had to call instead, to tell AJ…
He gulped down his worst-case-scenario theories, cleared his throat, and answered. “Hey Hoon, what’s up?”
"Hey AJ,” Hoon said, “And... uh... there are a few things. But first, how're you?"
A few things? That was ominous. But Hoon hadn't said anything like Soohyun is in the hospital or Soohyun was in an accident or even Soohyun has gone missing; do you know where he'd go? so he figured it was okay. "I'm good! It's good to hear from you! How's everyone been?"
"That's great, I'm glad to hear you're doing well. And... I have a feeling you already know, right?"
"Uh, yeah, Soohyun's been telling me... some things."
"Some things... Well, I think it's safe to assume that he pretty much blamed himself for everything? And that he said everything we were doing is because he wasn't good enough?"
AJ sighed. “Yeah. Pretty much.”
Hoon cleared his throat. "Well, I think it's time both sides of the story came together. And since you've already heard Soohyun's... I think it's time you heard ours."
"Yeah, it... He's been really hard on himself, and when you all weren't talking to him it didn't help." That had come out a little harsh, but it was better than the WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? that initially occurred to him.
"It wasn't that we didn't talk to him. I promise. It's just that we didn't talk to him. We didn't want him to worry."
"Mmm, well, he just took that to mean that you didn't trust him anymore." AJ sighed again. He wished that he didn't have to play the messenger between Soohyun and the other members. He didn't know how things had gotten so confused.
Hoon took a long moment before responding, taking a deep breath and trying to sound as inoffensive as possible. "Well, and, please AJ, don't take this the wrong way, but... in some ways we didn't trust him anymore. As a leader, we trust him. As a friend, we trust him. But... you talk to him, AJ, you have to know. Soohyun... he… something isn't right."
AJ bit his lip. “Yeah, he… He’s not… He’s not all right right now.” That was all he could say. Without breaking down and letting loose all his anxiety about his friend, and all his frustration with himself for not being able to do anything to help him.
“We’re all really worried about him. Even before you left, he wasn’t quite right. But then… pretty much as soon as we had sent you off… he was a mess. He doesn’t sleep much anymore. Eli and Dongho have been telling me how he gets up in the middle of the night and goes for walks; they’re really worried that something will happen. It’s not safe for anyone to be on the streets late at night, let alone an idol.” He took a moment to pause, running a hand across his face. Everything was so screwed up. “Kiseop’s taken it really hard. You left, and then Soohyun basically left with you. You know how close those two were… he’s completely lost right now, clumsier than ever. In all seriousness, it’s actually getting dangerous. And then Eli decided to be stupid, and Kevin had to get all worked up, and Soohyun thought it was his fault and tried to intervene but it just turned into a mess. And Dongho’s been acting up because Soohyun isn’t paying attention to him anymore. He hasn’t really been paying attention to anything… besides you.”
AJ froze. Nothing but him… That sounded really nice, in a way… But if it was making Soohyun worse instead of better then it wasn’t good. “I’ve been trying to help him,” he said, “but I don’t know if it’s worked at all.”
Hoon sighed, a long, drawn-out and weary sound. "You're helping, AJ. Honestly, I don't even want to think about how it'd be if he didn't have you to talk to."
"Yeah, but... I should be able to do more. I should be... I should be there." AJ closed his eyes. Why did his two dreams have to conflict with each other? It wasn't fair.
"No, AJ, you shouldn't be here. You made your decision and you need to stick with it. Don't be indecisive, it'll only hurt Soohyun more. And in a way, I'm glad this is happening. It's good for all of us, to get through this."
AJ took a deep breath and opened his eyes. It was true. He wasn't a psychologist, not yet. And he wasn’t all there was to U-KISS. It didn't all depend on him. "I am glad that I'm here,” he said. “But sometimes... a lot of the time... I worry. How has he been recently? I talked to him on the phone a little while ago."
"He's been...better." A small chuckle escaped Hoon's lips. "Especially since you sent the sweatshirt."
"Oh, yeah?" AJ felt himself start to blush. Why was he doing that? At least Hoon couldn't see. "That's good."
"Mhmm, yup. Although, it has made life difficult for the cordinoonas. They have to practically pry the thing off of him. Last time, before an interview, I had to bribe him with some of my bento to get him to take it off."
AJ laughed. "Oh really?" Now he was blushing even harder. "I'm just glad he likes it. Though I'm also glad he still loves food more. He wouldn't be Soohyun if he didn't."
Hoon was laughing too. "Yeah, that's true. And it's good the thing has a pocket, that way he can keep your letters in the front and not have them constantly in his back pocket to make strange noises in the middle of shows."
"Oh, he really... uh..." AJ paced around the room. Hoon couldn't see him, but he still felt exposed and needed to squirm away the embarrassment. It wasn't that strange of a thing. AJ kept all Soohyun's letters in a folder he took everywhere, with him to all his classes and then in a bag when he went out, but that was different than having them during... performances. He hadn't realized that Soohyun really... He opened a window and stood by it. "He... uh... really keeps them all like that?" he asked, trying to keep his voice natural.
"He does, and I'm pretty sure he sleeps with them too. At least, I doubt he'd bother to take them out of the sweatshirt before he went to bed."
"Oh," AJ mumbled. He leaned closer to the window. "I suggested he come visit me," he told Hoon, to distract them both. If he imagined Soohyun, sleeping peacefully, in his sweatshirt with his letters in the pocket any longer he would explode. "I don't know if it's possible, but it was an idea."
"Hmm, actually, that's something else I wanted to talk to you about. Do you think it's a good idea, I mean, for him to go to New York?"
"I... I don't know. But I think he'd like to see me." AJ shut the window, the winter cold finally chilling him. It was even more clear how much Soohyun wanted to see AJ, if he was acting like that. It had seemed like such a good idea, for Soohyun to visit, but maybe it was only a really bad one. AJ couldn’t be his whole life, after all.
Hoon's voice was very soft. "I think he would too, AJ. But...would right now, with all of this going on, be the right time? Do you think it'd just make him feel even more useless, for us to just let him leave?"
AJ held back a sigh of relief. So Hoon didn't think it was a bad idea. He was just looking out for Soohyun. "Mmm..." AJ chewed on his lip again. "Not if you all talk to him about it. And," he added quickly, "I don't mean all attack him and make it seem like you're forcing him to leave, but let him know that... he's still wanted. But it's okay for him to do something for himself, and take a small break."
"Yeah, well, I know he and Kiseop are talking again. And I've been trying to strike up conversation. Now that things are calming down, hopefully the other members will try to reconnect." He blew out a breath and shook his head. "Everything's been insane. First you left and then Soohyun became all depressed and then everyone else started doing stupid shit. I think the manager wanted to shoot all of us." He paused, thinking for a moment. "But, Soohyun's better now, I think. Not completely back to normal, but better. The manager actually asked me if I thought it'd be a good idea to send Soohyun to see you. Even he's been able to see the effect you have on Soohyun."
AJ was too moved to say much other than, "I'm glad." Then he added, "Uh, do you think it's a good idea?"
"I think that so long as I take care of things on this end, it would be good for him to stay with you for a few days."
AJ smiled widely. "Thanks Hoon."
"Sure thing. And thank you for helping even though you're technically on hiatus."
"Of course. Anything for..." AJ stopped himself before he said Soohyun. "U-KISS."
Hoon smirked knowingly. "Sure, for U-KISS. Whatever you say."
AJ chose to ignore Hoon's teasing tone. "Take care, Hoon."
"Mhm, you too." Hoon decided to let AJ go on this one and instead cleared his throat, making sure he sounded completely serious for what he was about to say. "And remember, if you ever need help, we're always here. We're still your family, Jaeseop. Don't forget that."
"I know," AJ said, smiling again. "Thank you Hoon. And good luck with the others while Soohyun's gone."
Hoon let out a small groan. "Oh god, please don't remind me. Study hard so you can come back and save me."
AJ laughed. "Don't worry, I'll definitely come back. And Soohyun will too. Just keep Kiseop away from toasters in the meantime."
At that, Hoon couldn't help but laugh, the sound filling up the room. "I'll try my best, but there are no guarantees."
"With Kiseop, there never are,” AJ quipped.
"So true." Hoon sighed a bit, staring off at the wall. "Well, goodnight AJ. Hopefully you'll be getting a call from Soohyun very soon, with good news this time."
"Mmm, yes. Thanks. Goodnight. Err... Good morning."
Hoon chuckled softly. "Goodnight, AJ. Sleep well."
"Bye Hoon. Take care."
“Bye.”
After he hung up the phone, AJ kept pacing around, grinning to himself. Then his eyes fell upon the escaped papers on the ground and he remembered the essay he was supposed to be writing. He groaned. How would he be able to concentrate on that now? It had just been a dream, Soohyun coming to visit him, but now it seemed so close, almost real. And strange. After all this, what would it be like to really have Soohyun here? Soohyun, who wore his sweatshirt at all times, with the letters AJ had written in his pocket, thinking of him always…
Muttering to himself, AJ went to open the window again.
~*~
It had already been a little over a week since Soohyun had received AJ’s sweatshirt by the time he finally got AJ’s letter. He would’ve had it sooner, except that he had told AJ to send it to Japan, and they were back in Korea now, so there was the added transfer time. When he went to check his family’s mailbox, he was practically running the entire way. And when he finally had the letter in his hands, small white envelope covered in postage and marked with AJ’s handwriting, he immediately smiled and ran back to his room.
He took a moment to stare at the envelope before opening it, tracing his fingers over the front. Something about seeing his name… knowing AJ had written it… made a warm feeling well up in his chest. But eventually the need to see what was inside won over and he tore open the top, unfolding a piece of notebook paper and leaning back to read through the contents.
Once he was finished, he immediately read through it again, unable to believe what he was seeing. AJ… missed him, wanted to be like him, thought he was attractive. Soohyun felt his face heating up at that, a blush burning beneath his skin as he considered the possibility that AJ found him good-looking. It was too good to be true. But, why? Why was it so remarkable that AJ found him attractive? Shouldn’t he think it weird, for another man to be saying that about him?
Soohyun decided to just take it as it was, accepting the words with gratitude and his mysterious happiness with a grain of salt-there was no point in fighting it anyway. AJ had wanted him to be happy, and he was, so it had to be a good thing.
He kept reading, stopping to reread lines like You’re the one I want to be like and I miss you so much over and over again. He couldn’t control the happiness bubbling out of him, pushing past his lips and curving them into a smile, letting small chuckles out into the air. AJ liked him, respected him, cared enough about him to actually want to see him again. AJ… wanted Soohyun to go to New York.
Reading the letter one last time for good measure, Soohyun decided that it wasn’t just pity or something else, it was really AJ wanting Soohyun to come see him, or at least being open to the idea and not feeling forced into it. Soohyun would take it either way, so long as he got to see AJ. He wanted to see what he would look like in his dorm room, surrounded by books; what he’d look like with his friends, laughing and having a good time; what he’d look like when he was asleep, that confident face finally relaxing. But-why in the world was he thinking about AJ sleeping?
Soohyun quickly shook himself, deciding to have no more strange thoughts. He was going to talk to the manager, see if he could go, and then he could start dreaming about all of the adventures. He’d make a point to ask tomorrow and would control himself until then. No sense in getting his hopes up for nothing.
But as he laid down to sleep, covers tucked tight around his neck, he couldn’t stop his mind from drifting to a country far away, where he knew AJ was awake and working hard, doing his best to make a future for himself. And somehow, somewhere, in a place just at the edge of Soohyun’s mind, he secretly hoped that he’d always be a part of that future.
~*~
After picking up the package, AJ practically ran back to his room, confusing all those unfortunate enough to be in his way on the sidewalk. Once safely inside, he didn’t even bother getting scissors, but cut through the tape with his key. It was from Soohyun, of course, but what was in it? He honestly had no idea. He hadn’t heard anything since Hoon had called him, and didn't know whether Soohyun’s request had been granted. No news was good news, but with this... he couldn't be sure.
He laughed when he saw the shirt. Soohyun’s name was printed, in both English and Hangeul, in white letters on the bright pink fabric. He unfolded it and flipped it around, finding the word “U-KISS” on the back, which made him smile even more. He hadn’t brought anything band-related with him, so he was glad to see the logo again. It must be something for AJ to wear so he’d think of him, just like Soohyun wore his sweatshirt. AJ wouldn’t mind that. Though the hot pink would definitely make people look at him.
Then he saw the note. It had been tucked underneath the shirt and hidden from him before. In Soohyun’s scrawl, it said, “Wear this when you come pick me up.” And attached to it was another piece of paper. “Arrival time,” it read. At JFK Airport. With a date. A date that was very soon.
AJ felt so many overwhelming things at once he wasn’t sure how to react, so he just buried his face in the shirt for a long time. Then he leapt to his feet and danced around the room, waving the shirt around, a little like the silly dance to Kiss Me Forever, but mostly just like a crazy person. Soohyun was coming here. Soohyun would be here, with him. He would finally see him, be in the same room as him. He hadn't realized until this moment how much he missed the other boy, how often his heart clenched in loneliness, in his need to be around him. Soon all that would be alleviated.
Very soon, actually. He looked around his room. It was mostly tidy, which was a start. He'd said he could accommodate Soohyun, but how was he to do that? And when was the last time he'd washed his sheets? He should do that first thing. If Soohyun was going to sleep on his floor-or if AJ would put Soohyun in the bed and sleep there himself-he would need to get an air mattress or something; he'd have to ask his friends if any of them had one. Was Soohyun's arrival time during one of his classes? He hoped not. And he'd have to make a list of all the places he wanted to take Soohyun. Would Soohyun want to see the big attractions, like the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Building? Or would he be content with a more low-key tour, one involving wandering around all the stores and food courts in Grand Central, strolling through a frozen Central Park, maybe even going ice skating... That last thought especially made him smile.
All those were logistics and he could sort them out. The main thing was that Soohyun was coming! AJ went back to dancing around his room before flopping down backwards on his bed and wrapping his arms around the shirt to press it against his chest. But, on a more serious note, having Soohyun here would also mean they'd have to have more in-depth conversations than the few they'd had already. Just because Soohyun would be with AJ didn't mean all his sadness would magically go away. Hoon had actually described him as 'depressed,' and that seemed about right. AJ would have to use whatever knowledge a term's worth of psychology classes had granted him and everything else he had to try to help Soohyun find balance... as much as he could. Because there was only so much AJ, or a sweatshirt, could do. He just hoped he’d be enough.
But all that could be for later, because right now AJ was going to dance around his room some more, and then... put his sheets in the wash, and then... dance some more, and then... smile, like he was now. Just keep on smiling, until Soohyun got here, and then he could smile even more.