There With You: Part 1
Title: There With You
Pairing: AJ/Soohyun
Rating: PG-13 (until the long-awaited NC-17 sex scene)
Summary: AJ leaves for New York and Soohyun falls apart.
NOTE: 13_degrees_eros is the collaborative creative force of zoroyohgirl13 + 0_degrees_elvin.
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PART ONE
~*~*~*~*~
AJ was leaving; for Columbia University they said. The official statement was that he was going to be gone for a short period of time to study and he would come back as quickly as possible to continue his career. They never had any reason not to believe the story. But there was always the little niggling doubt in the back of their minds, the whisper of what-if, what if AJ never returned? What if he never came back?
AJ was leaving; they had known that for a while. But it had never seemed real until tonight, when they had to tell their fans, when they knew that this was their last song. A Shared Dream. A song about coming together, being together, of succeeding together. But now they were being split apart. It was cruel irony, really.
And Soohyun knew he had to be strong, as the leader, but every time he allowed himself to think about it, allowed his eyes to drift to the man standing just a few feet away, tears threaten to spill over. Because AJ was family, AJ was someone who he had come to depend on for support, his lifeline and anchor during tough times. Soohyun might’ve been the leader but he knew he wasn’t the strongest, or the most secure. That was AJ. And now AJ was leaving, and Soohyun felt lost again. Just as lost as he had felt when Kibum and Alexander had left.
AJ was watching the screen, waiting for the music to come around, and when it did he faced the crowd with tears in his eyes and rapped with a slight hitch in his voice. Soohyun thought he could feel his heart breaking. Because that was the last time. When his voice refused to come out, when the tears had choked his throat, Soohyun felt shame, bowing his head. He couldn’t even send AJ off properly. He was a failure as a leader, and as a friend. He looked up and saw AJ crying, saw the other members trying to struggle through. Everyone was dancing and singing and doing their best; he was the only one who was now so worthless.
His limbs moved hollowly to the beat as tears continued to course in hot trails down his cheeks. His final solo approached and he prayed that he would at least be able to finish strong but instead everything came crashing down. The finality of the situation clenched his heart and forced him into silence, not even able to continue dancing, falling down onto one knee as he tried to suppress his sobs. They were on stage, in front of all of their fans, he couldn’t fall apart now. But he was. He was.
He was worthless.
His entire body felt numb as he stood back up, spine moving like a broken marionette. He followed everyone else up onto the higher platform of the stage, hand pressed to his face-why was he such a failure?
The stage disappeared slowly from their vision, the screams of their fans dulling until only Soohyun’s broken sobs remained. All of the other members were silent, from shock and sadness and respect for Soohyun’s grief. Because even if they didn’t show it, they all felt their hearts breaking.
Back in the dressing room, Soohyun didn’t say a word. He sat in a chair and let his face get cleaned off, stripped off his clothes silently and redressed just as quietly. There was nothing for him to say, after all.
All of the other members cast anxious glances in his direction, not quite knowing what to do, how to comfort him. They didn’t know the words to say to make it better because in the end, AJ was still leaving. No one could change that.
So they rode back to their hotel in an oppressive silence, no one daring to cut through the gloomy atmosphere. Even the manager didn’t say a word, only ushering them through the lobby with a stern expression and seeing them off to their rooms.
The second Soohyun stepped through the door he fled into the bathroom, locking the door behind him and sliding down the cheap wooden surface. He buried his head in his hands and let the tears come. He was such an idiot. Why couldn’t he even keep it together in front of the fans? The others had cried but they could keep singing. Why was he alone such a failure?
Eli and Dongho exchanged a nervous glance, neither knowing what to do, how to piece together their leader again. There was a knock on their door and Dongho rushed to answer it, expecting to see their manager but finding AJ instead. The older boy nodded at Dongho grimly then stepped inside, peering around until he heard Soohyun’s sobs coming through the bathroom door. He cleared his throat and turned to the other two boys.
“Could you give us a moment, please?”
Dongho nodded and pulled a stammering Eli out by his sleeve, pausing only to kick the door shut with his foot, leaving AJ alone in the room.
Reaching out slowly, AJ knocked on the bathroom door, listening closely as Soohyun sniffled and tried to muffle his sobs. Deciding that he wasn’t going to get a response, AJ sighed and pressed closer to the door.
“Soohyun, it’s AJ, can I come in?”
Everything fell silent and for a moment AJ was worried that Soohyun was going to ignore him. He opened his mouth to plead some more but was cut off by a low murmur, so low he could hardly hear it.
“No, go away.”
AJ slid down to where he figured Soohyun’s head would be and leaned against the cool wood, tears once again stinging his eyes. “Soohyun, please. Please don’t do this.” He was met by silence and the thickness in his throat grew. He inhaled deeply and tried to calm himself. “Soohyun, why can’t I come in? Can you at least tell me why you’re acting like this?”
Another sob escaped from Soohyun’s throat and AJ felt his own chest clench.
“It’s because I’m leaving, right?” AJ’s fingers curled against the wood, pressing into the surface as if they could reach the warm body slouched on the other side. “You’ll be fine without me, I promise.”
He heard the lock click and barely had time to prepare himself before the door was swinging open, almost making him lose balance and topple onto the tile floor. But he caught himself, with his face only inches from Soohyun’s tear stained one. He drew in a breath as Soohyun leaned closer with frantic eyes.
“How do you know I’ll be fine? How can you know that?” He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to wipe some of the tears away. “I can’t do it, I can’t.” He sobbed, sound ragged in his throat, and pushed away, wedging himself beneath the sink.
Moving slowly, AJ followed Soohyun into the bathroom, shutting the door behind them before settling in front of Soohyun. He clasped his hands together in his lap and fought to keep his voice level as he spoke. “You’re a great leader, Soohyun. You guys don’t need me to keep going. You were fine without me before and you’ll be fine without me while I’m gone.” His eyes flew open as Soohyun’s fingers dug into his biceps, holding him tight and shaking him slightly.
“Who says we were fine before? Who says I’m a good leader? How the hell do you think you know anything?” Soohyun’s voice broke as he yelled and he fell back against the wall with a thud, breath coming out in shallow pants. All of the energy had left his body and he had to fight to keep his words audible. “I can’t do it, AJ. I’m not strong enough. I want to help everybody, make them happy, but I can’t. I just can’t.”
AJ gently wiped the tears from beneath his eyes. “Then don’t. Just do the best you can and everyone will understand.”
Soohyun was shaking his head before AJ had even finished speaking. “It doesn’t work that way. I’m the leader, so I have to do it all. No matter what, I have to take care of everyone. But I can’t do it, not by myself.”
Two sets of tear-stained eyes met and in that moment AJ knew what Soohyun was implying. He took a deep breath and put his hands beneath Soohyun’s elbows, urging him forward, pushing Soohyun’s head into the crook of his neck. He rocked back and forth and hummed gently into Soohyun’s hair. “You won’t be alone. I’ll always be there for you, even when I’m not in the same country. I promise.”
Soohyun let his breathing slowly even out before he dared to shift his head, nuzzling further into the warmth of AJ’s skin. It had been so long since he had been held, so long since he had experienced such comfort. All alone, reality felt like a bucket of cold water being thrown over his head. He sucked in a breath and managed to choke back the first sob that jerked his chest.
AJ’s hands were immediately pulling him closer, smoothing up and down his back trying to soothe him. But Soohyun couldn’t be placated. They were right back where they started; AJ couldn’t keep his promise.
“But AJ… There’ll be no way for us to talk easily, what with the time difference... and you’ll have classes, and studying, and a whole new college life, and I’ll have my schedule. And even if there was a time when we were both free it might be weird.”
AJ’s eyebrows came together as he realized that what Soohyun said was the truth. Even if they managed to make time to talk, they’d always feel rushed, or someone else would want to talk or listen in. There would be no real way for AJ to help.
They were both silent for a long moment, lost in their own thoughts, until AJ’s grip suddenly tightened as a grin spread over his face.
“Well, then I guess we’ll just have to do things the old fashioned way.” He chuckled a bit at Soohyun’s baffled expression. “We’ll write letters. That way, we can write whenever, send them whenever and read them whenever we have time. How does that sound?”
Soohyun considered the proposal then nodded slowly, liking the idea more and more as it sank in. “I’ll have to make sure you know the right address to send it to but yeah, it should work.” He allowed a small smile to curve the corner of his mouth.
AJ hugged him tighter then laughed at the blush that colored Soohyun’s face as he was reminded of the position they were in. He ruffled Soohyun’s hair playfully and pushed him back into his shoulder, leaning against the door and taking Soohyun with him. With Soohyun’s warm weight against his chest, AJ felt like he could stay there forever, despite the cold tile digging into his tailbone.
But a soft rustling outside the door brought him back to reality, Eli and Dongho’s nervous voices meeting his ears. “Do you think everything’s okay?” “I don’t see why not…” “Well, it’s awfully quiet…” “I guess…”
AJ patted Soohyun’s back a few times and they both stood up, Soohyun awkwardly trying to wipe his eyes, but AJ caught his hand and brought it back down to his side. “Don’t worry about it, no one’s going to judge you.” He threaded their fingers together and gave Soohyun’s hand a squeeze before unlocking the door and pushing it open.
Stepping out into the room, Eli and Dongho’s faces were immediately peeking at them from around the corner. They both watched Soohyun cautiously before deeming everything safe and rushing forward to tackle him into a hug. Soohyun gasped then laughed at the sudden attack, flailing wildly as he attempted not to fall over at the sudden weight. AJ let his fingers slip slowly away, backing out of the room with a smile. They would be okay.
He would be okay.
~*~
Hi Soohyun. I hope you are doing well finishing up your schedule in Japan. To be honest my first weeks here have been really difficult. I’ve been really busy with orientation activities and learning about the city and have met so many nice people, and that’s been great, but it’s been so hard being without all of you. Waking up every morning knowing I’m not going to see you guys like I have been nearly every day of my life, and then going to bed knowing I’m not going to see you the next day either… it’s so hard. I have a completely different life now, and it feels too new and strange, like it’s someone else’s life. I miss you all so much. I miss you so much.
AJ sighed, crumpling up the piece of paper and throwing it against the wall above the desk he was sitting at, which just made it rebound back to him. He couldn’t write all that. He was supposed to be the one helping Soohyun keep himself together; he couldn’t tell him that he was falling apart too. He looked down at the fresh page in his notebook and started again.
Hey Soohyun! How’s Japan? You’re almost done there, right? Then you can go back to Korea and maybe relax for a bit, yeah? I hope you all get to. Really, the thing I’m enjoying most about being here is getting to sleep. And not just because of the jet lag. Really, living at a grueling pace like we’ve been doing… No wonder you feel like a failure all the time, Soohyun; you don’t have a second to pause and realize how much you’ve accomplished and how amazing you are
AJ stopped writing a second time, and laid his head down on the page. His true feelings came out, no matter what he tried. And now he had pressed his forehead against wet ink, great…
He stood up and went to look at himself in the mirror, but his face was clean of any scribbled marks. He stared at himself. Without any make-up and with his short haircut, he looked… completely ordinary. Like there was absolutely no way he could be an idol or anything else special. Just another international student coming to the big city.
Studying was something he’d wanted to do, wanted to do so badly. But now there was something else he wanted to do, something he wanted to be for someone else. And he wanted both things equally. But he couldn’t be in two places at the same time.
He sat back down at the desk, and ripped out the second failed letter. Best to keep it short, then.
Hi Soohyun. I hope you and the rest of the band are doing well in Japan. I hope you’re able to go back to Korea soon and rest. I’m enjoying Columbia so far, and sleeping. But I have been really busy going to orientation stuff and learning about the city. I’ve even found some good Korean restaurants already! I’m meeting so many new people, but I still miss all of you a lot. Tell everyone I say hi! And write back soon.
~*~
Soohyun stared down at the blank sheet of paper in front of him, unsure of what he wanted to say. He picked up AJ’s letter again, skimming through it even though he already knew each line by heart. Sighing, he picked up his pen and decided to just give it a shot.
Hi AJ. We’re all doing fine. Kiseop had a bit of an incident with a juice container the other day but we got everything cleaned up before the manager came back. I think we’ll be back in Korea soon, but I don’t think we’ll be there for long. It’s great that you’re having fun, but make sure to relax as well. I know you need it. But really? I bet they still aren’t as good as the real stuff. Right? Nothing can be as good as the real thing. I’ll tell them, don’t worry. They’ll be glad to know you’re doing well.
So, did I write back fast enough? I hope you continue to do well with your studies. We’ll all be thinking of you. A lot. Don’t forget to keep in touch.
Soohyun shook his head and tore out the page, looking at it sadly for a moment before folding it in thirds. It wasn’t good, but it also wasn’t getting any better. There was no point in trying to write it again. Besides, AJ was probably going to be too busy with school to read it.
So it didn’t matter that he had sounded a bit too needy, a bit too defensive. It didn’t matter if he sounded perhaps a bit bitter and alone. Because even if AJ did have time to read his letter, he certainly wouldn’t put that much thought into it.
~*~
AJ sat at the back of the lecture that day because he couldn’t stop giggling to himself. He had Soohyun’s letter in front of him instead of his psychology notebook, and was rereading the line about “Kiseop’s juice incident,” over and over. The students on either side of him kept looking at him strangely, but he didn’t care. Kiseop really did live in his own world. And it was a world AJ missed being in proximity of. Imagining what had happened, and the other members’ reactions… It was just too funny. He started writing a response immediately, when he should’ve been taking notes instead.
A juice container, huh? Don’t you know you should only give him sippy cups? Or only things with a straw?
But he stopped writing. Because he realized the importance of all the things Soohyun hadn’t written, if this was the only noteworthy thing that had gone wrong. A lot more than that had to have happened that Soohyun wasn’t telling him about.
AJ sighed-more softly than his giggles had been. If Soohyun wasn’t going to be the one to open up first, then he had to be. He had to show him that it was okay. Without revealing too much and making Soohyun worry about him too.
You’re right; nothing is the same here as it is back home. All the kimchi is really lame. I miss everything, my mother’s terrible cooking, the late night rehearsals, and
AJ paused over the next word. Whatever. He could say it. Soohyun had almost said it. It wouldn’t be weird.
and you. Sometimes it hurts so much I want to abandon everything and take the train to the airport and get on the first flight back to Seoul.
But, you know what I do when I start feeling like that? I just remember that all of you are out there, missing me as much as I miss you. And that every sadness is just another story to tell you about. And in return you’ll tell me all your stories. So I know it’ll be okay. Because a weakness is no longer a weakness if you share it.
So take care, Soohyun, and know that I’m out here, thinking of you. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too. And only dress Kiseop in spill-resistant clothing.
~*~
Soohyun couldn’t help the slight chuckle that left his lips as he read the last line of AJ’s letter. They really should look into something like that for Kiseop. But the smile fell from his face as he reread the letter in its entirety, taking in AJ’s words.
He missed Korea, he missed…he missed him. Soohyun’s heart clenched a bit when AJ talked about running back, both with fear and hope. He knew that traveling to America was best for AJ, but a selfish part of him still wanted to see AJ back again. He just had to shove that darker part of himself away. He forced himself to focus on the next lines, immediately feeling the tightness in his chest returning.
AJ was still trusting them, still thinking of them. And it was so like AJ to throw in philosophical musings alongside everything else. That was part of what made him so special, part of what drew Soohyun towards him. AJ always seemed to have the answers, or at least a piece of helpful advice and a shoulder to lean on. Soohyun’s mind drifted back to the night in Japan, huddled together on the bathroom floor, he could almost feel AJ’s hands on his back, their warmth through his thin t-shirt. He shuddered at the memory and quickly picked up his pen.
I’ll make sure to tell the cordi-noonas about your suggestion. I’m sure they’ll appreciate the idea. He spilled something else today, soy sauce, all over his pants. Luckily we were done with schedule for the day. But, that’s not really all that happened. In fact, a lot has happened since you left. I don’t…I don’t really know where to start.
I know the manager is upset with me. I’m not doing well. Eli is getting a bit out of control, I don’t know if you’ve been checking online, but he’s begun taking his bad boy image a bit too seriously. Kevin’s pretty upset with him too, after he wore a hat that apparently said something profane then posted it. And Dongho’s being rebellious, not just his usual impish maknae stuff, but…more. It’s hard to explain. I’d have Eli talk to him but…as I said…not really an option. Hoon’s been trying to help me as much as he can with everything but I know he’s really stressed and I don’t want to push him too hard. I’m only having him help with Dongho right now. Oh, and I know Kiseop misses you a lot. Whenever we mention you he kind of freezes, and then drops whatever he’s holding. He’s become clumsier since you left. You were always such a constant, now that you’re gone I think everyone’s a bit lost.
Soohyun took a deep breath. Should he-should he say it? AJ had been open with him, but should he do the same? He’d already dumped all of the band drama on him, was it really alright for Soohyun to put his own insecurities out there? He sighed and wrapped his arms around his chest, staring up at the ceiling. It was so hard to hold it together sometimes. But he had to make it through.
He bowed his head a bit and rubbed the wetness from his eyes, finishing the rest of the letter with shaking hands.
I know I’m lost too. I’m not going to say I wish you were here, because I know that right now you’re where you belong. But, Jaeseop, please don’t spend too much time away. Study hard and graduate quickly so that you can come back. We all need you.
A few drops slid down Soohyun’s nose before dripping down onto the paper, making fuzzy dots on the page.
I need you.
He swallowed thickly and threw his pen down on the desk, burying his face in his arms and sobbing. He was such a failure. He couldn’t do anything by himself. Even now, he was depending on someone halfway across the globe to help him do his job. Pathetic. Pitiful.
That’s what he was.
~*~
AJ’s hand hesitated over the buttons. This was dumb, the hesitation. So cliché, like Soohyun was the girl whose number AJ was afraid to call. When… he wasn’t. And that analogy was weird and AJ was never using it again. Maybe AJ was only afraid because of the time difference. It was pretty late there, and early here; he’d woken up at this time on purpose. It might work. Soohyun might be available…
Whatever. He dialed the number.
Soohyun picked up after a few rings.
“Hello?” Soohyun rolled over onto his side in bed and rubbed at his eyes a bit, trying to think of who could be calling him. But it didn't really matter, he hadn't been able to sleep anyway.
"Hey!" AJ exclaimed, wincing at the sound of his own voice. That had been a bit too loud. "It's... It's me."
Soohyun squinted into the darkness for a moment, trying to force his brain to work. "AJ?"
"Sorry, if this is a bad time..."
"No, you’re fine." Soohyun sat up and stifled a yawn with the back of his hand. "What do you need? Is everything okay?"
"Oh, yeah, I just thought... you might want to hear my voice. My actual voice." AJ took a second to slap his forehead. This was going all wrong. He had to take back control of the conversation before Soohyun freaked out more. When Soohyun was the one AJ was worrying about. "I just got your letter, and I... uh..." Good job, AJ, good job, he told himself. This is even better than letter writing. Now Soohyun knows that you are unable to form sentences when it really matters. "I wanted to let you know, right away," he finished. He lay his head down on his desk, giving up for the moment.
Soohyun was quiet for a long time, confused as to what exactly was going on. He decided to blame it on lack of sleep. "Um, okay. I'm glad you got it." He shifted a bit on the comforter. If AJ had gotten his letter… then he had probably read what was in it… oh God. A blush took over his face and he turned to the wall even though AJ was miles away. What had he gotten himself into?
"So, uh..." AJ started. What was with all the 'uh's? He didn't normally talk like this. "I wanted to see if there was anything you needed to talk about, right away. Anything that couldn't wait for a letter."
Soohyun blinked a few times and swallowed thickly, nervously. "L-like what?"
"Um..." AJ hesitated for a long time, just breathing in and out. Then he just said it. "You."
"Me?" Soohyun's eyes widened in surprise. He hadn't been expecting that.
"Yeah. All the other members have their problems being dealt with by you, or have someone else looking out for them, but you, you don't have anyone looking out for you." There. That had been a coherent sentence. AJ closed his eyes. He guessed he was that person for Soohyun, now.
Soohyun took a moment to let that sink in before blowing out a breath. "Well, yeah, I'm the leader. That's how it's supposed to be."
"Uh, no, that's not how it should be."
Soohyun clenched his fists into the sheets. His voice was tight as he spoke despite his efforts to try and keep a smile on his face. "Oh really, and how should it be then?"
Great, now he was just making Soohyun mad. AJ softened his tone. "I meant, that's not how it has to be, Soohyun."
"What other way is there, AJ?" Soohyun sprang up from his bed and tried to keep his voice down, aware of the late hour as he paced across the room. "I'm the leader, I'm responsible for keeping everyone safe and happy and on-time and whatever else! I'm the one who's supposed to take care of everything. That's what being a leader is about and I've learned that. So don't try and tell me there's another way." Tears stung at the corners of his eyes. Damnit, why did he always break down so easily whenever AJ was involved?
“Soohyun…” AJ said, treading carefully. He didn’t want to make Soohyun more upset than he already was, but he also wasn’t going to back down. He wasn’t letting Soohyun continue to treat himself this way. “Can you really not see by now that it’s okay for you to be a human being? You know, one whose feelings don’t always work the right way? And who can’t always fix everything right away? Somehow everyone else is allowed to be imperfect except you, and you’re supposed to live that way?”
Soohyun was silent for a long time, considering AJ's words, breath hitching every now and again as tears continued to gather at his eyes.
Frustrated, AJ clenched his hands into fists. Then he released them. That wasn't what Soohyun needed. "Admitting that you have weaknesses doesn't make you weak, Soohyun. Pretending that you're invincible does, because it's just wearing you down." That had come out too harsh. AJ wished he was there with Soohyun right now, so he could hold him like he had in the hotel bathroom and show him what he really meant. "You have me, Soohyun. You have all of us. You can fall apart a little if you have to. I'll put you back together, I promise."
Soohyun's breath caught in his throat. AJ's words stung, biting into him unlike anything he had felt before, because they were true. He knew they were. He wrapped his arms around himself and sank back down onto his bed, rocking slowly back and forth. Even if AJ was willing to help… that didn't mean he'd be able to. He was so far away, after all. But, listening to AJ's even breaths on the other end of the phone, Soohyun felt some of his resolve break away. He wanted, needed the warmth that AJ provided. He didn't know what to do without it. He clutched himself tighter and let the tears fall, fat and warm across his cheeks. "AJ... I... I can't..."
AJ reached out his arms. Soohyun's tears were so evident he could almost feel them soaking into his shirt, where they would fall if he could hold Soohyun like he wanted to. "You can, Soohyun, you can. I'm here. I'm there with you right now. Even though I'm not, okay? That doesn't matter. I'm right here with you, Soohyun."
"AJ." Soohyun's voice cracked and the damn broke loose, all of his fears and frustrations coming out in a rush of sobs and choked whimpers. "AJ, I need-I need you." Soohyun knew he was crying like a child but he couldn't force himself to care as he felt his entire body suddenly grow cold and empty. He was breaking. He knew he was. And he was alone. He fell back onto the bed and pulled the covers tight around him, sobbing uncontrollably into the sheets.
"Soohyun... It's okay, it's okay..." AJ whispered. It was all he could do to comfort Soohyun. He couldn't do anything else, and he knew what Soohyun really needed to do was let it all out. It was unbearable, hearing all of Soohyun's pain but being able to do nothing to help him, but there was nothing else he could do. Other than cry a few tears of his own-which were also useless. "I'm still here, Soohyun, I'm here."
Soohyun continued to cry until his pillow was drenched and his face was red and puffy. He knew he'd be yelled at in the morning because of it. Even his sadness caused trouble for other people. He clutched tighter to the phone in his hands. "AJ... wh-why am I so worthless?"
"I don't think you're worthless, Soohyun. I don't think anyone thinks you're worthless. Except you."
At that, Soohyun paused. Sobs quieting into tiny hiccups as he stared confusedly into the darkness. "Wh-what?"
"Soohyun, nobody else thinks those things about you. Except you. They all think you're a wonderful leader. I know, because they all told me when I joined the band. Even though you weren't even the official leader yet, they told me how you'd always help the younger members, and how even when the others were sad after Kibum and Alexander left you just kept working hard and encouraged them to do the same. And that was before you were even the leader. Think about how much you've done. How much we've done. Yeah, U-KISS isn't always on top, but... we did great in Japan, we got to go to Colombia... That doesn't go away just because... Eli wears a dumb hat or whatever."
Soohyun sniffled a bit and pressed the phone tighter to his ear. "Yeah, I guess. But it's still hard sometimes." He took a deep breath, flinching inwardly when it shuddered, and wiped his eyes. "It can just get crazy."
"Yeah, of course. Of course it will. It's okay for you to feel overwhelmed sometimes."
Soohyun hummed in the back of his throat and felt his eyes start to droop a bit. It was already very late at night, and crying had taken a lot out of him. He curled himself up in the covers and cradled the phone close to his ear. "AJ?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you...can you just talk to me for a little bit? Please?"
"Of course. I'm not going anywhere." AJ exhaled, his mouth curving up slightly. Soohyun sounded much better now. "What do you want me to talk about?"
"Mmmm, I don't care. Something happy. Tell me about New York."
"Hmm, alright." AJ got out of the chair and went to the bed, where he curled up on his side. He had been holding himself tight in one position while talking to Soohyun, but now he let himself relax. "There's a lot to talk about. For one, I ride the subway all the time here. All the time. It gets so stuffy in those tunnels, it's crazy. It'll be freezing outside, but down there you're dying, like it's a sauna. And you have to move so fast, or the people will walk all over you, literally. But my favorite part is the people playing music. All kinds of instruments, guitars, violins... I like to think about U-KISS performing down there, how all the people would stop and look and hear us. It's hard to get New Yorkers to stop, but I think they would for us. But oh my gosh! The craziest people ride the subway! This one time..."
AJ talked until Soohyun was definitely asleep. Though he knew he couldn't hear him, he whispered, "Goodnight Soohyun," before he hung up. Then he settled himself under the covers to sleep also. He could rest now that he knew Soohyun was okay. He could rest now that he knew the teardrops that had fallen on the letter hadn't fallen alone.
~*~
In the solitude of his room, Soohyun stared at the paper in front of him. He took a deep breath and uncapped the pen. It had been a week since AJ’s call, a week since he had woken up with his phone imprinted to his cheek and his eyes bloodshot from tears.
It had been a few days since the accident, a few days since he had had to wipe hot coffee from Kiseop’s shirt and pants and a few days since he had had to pull Dongho aside and tell him enough was enough.
It had been a few hours since he had left the practice room, a few hours since he had stopped Kevin from slapping Eli across the face and called rehearsal.
It had been a few minutes since he had gotten off the phone with the manager, a few minutes since he had been yelled at for not keeping Eli in line.
He had thought that maybe, he could do it. With AJ’s help and support, maybe he could get everything back to the way it should be. But he had been wrong. Things were only getting worse.
Hey AJ, thanks for calling last time. It helped a lot. Sorry I didn’t write sooner but this past week has been… well, it’s been hell. I’m not even going to lie. You said that I was a good leader and that the other members respected me, but it’s been a few years since they told you that. Things have changed. They don’t care about me anymore.
Dongho scared Kiseop and made him spill hot coffee all over himself. I’m just glad there weren’t any severe burns. I tried to talk to Dongho but he wouldn’t look at me. And today, Kevin and Eli got into a fight. Neither of them would talk to me or tell me what was wrong, they just ignored me. I don’t think they trust me anymore. And I just got off the phone with the manager. He’s very upset with me. I can’t blame him though, I know I’m failing. Even Hoon is beginning to grow distant.
I tried to be more confident; I tried to help them through their problems. But they wouldn’t let me. I think I really am a horrible leader. And more than that, I’m a terrible friend. I really wish you were here. They would talk to you. Maybe you should call them. I don’t know what else to do anymore.
I know you said you would be there for me, but sometimes it’s so hard to remember that promise. You’re so far away and whenever things go bad and I want to talk to you, I look at my watch and know that you’re sleeping, that I can’t call. I wish you were closer. I wish you were here and that I was the one gone. I think it would be better that way. For everyone.
There’ll be a group meeting with management sometime next week. I know that we’re in trouble. I just hope that they aren’t too mad at the other members. I tried to convince the manager to let me go alone but he wouldn’t hear it. I don’t know what’s going to happen. And I’m scared, AJ. I’m scared that there won’t be a group for you to return to. I’m sorry, if that’s the case. I’m sorry that I’ve ruined everything. I’ll try to make it right again. I promise.
~*~
AJ was mad. He paced around his room, making faces at the walls. Then, in an attempt to distract himself into thinking coherently, he threw all his dirty clothes from his floor into the basket, a task he’d put off doing. But he immediately emptied it back out, searching for the lost mate to a sock. When that was unsuccessful, he tossed everything back in, one item at a time, listening for the smack as they hit the plastic before falling against the others. But he was still angry. How could the other members do that to Soohyun? Who did they think they were? Dongho was charming and admittedly good at almost anything, but sometimes he let that go to his head. Picking on Kiseop to that extent was unacceptable. Spilling coffee sounded funny and all, but anything that hot actually hurt a person. Clearly Kiseop was already on edge and Dongho should know better. They should all know better. And now even Kevin and Eli were acting up… Maybe AJ should call them all, just to tell them to cut it out.
No. Soohyun could handle this on his own. AJ knew he could. He just had to get Soohyun to believe that too.
But, more than all that, AJ was angry at himself. For not being able to do more. And for being here when he should’ve been there. He wanted to take Soohyun in his arms and tell him everything was going to be okay, feel Soohyun’s breathing against his skin, his hair against his lips. And then…
Well, he’d just stick to holding him.
Soohyun was convinced AJ would be a better leader than he was, which was not true at all. All the other stupid members and their stupid moodiness had him convinced he couldn’t do anything right, that the band would fall apart even, which was also wrong.
AJ wandered back to his desk and read the letter again, his eyes stopping over the line, I wish you were here and that I was the one gone. I think it would be better that way. For everyone.
Oh hell no. AJ was going to strangle something, preferably that stupid lost sock if he ever found it. He burst up from the chair and fell on his knees to look under the bed, finally finding it by a discarded text book. He twisted it around in his hands, over and over, tighter and tighter, until they finally grew tired of the chafing. Being angry like this on Soohyun’s behalf wouldn’t help. They were his friends too. They just all needed to be reminded of what was really important.
And underneath all this anger was… sadness. That Soohyun still felt this way, despite everything AJ had done to convince him otherwise. He was sad that the other members were being unfair to Soohyun instead of working together. And sad that… he wasn’t there to stand beside him. Because Soohyun was promising him that he’d fix things, and that just wasn’t right.
AJ put the sock in the basket and when back to his desk to begin his reply.
Soohyun, you are the leader. For a reason. Remember that. And also remember that, though they are having disagreements right now, with each other and with you, they are still your friends. You just need to talk to them, like you talk to me. (Okay, maybe not quite like you talk to me.) Remind them that it’s up to them too to keep the band going, and they need to work through their relationship problems because U-KISS comes first, and U-KISS is only U-KISS if we’re all working together. Remember that “kiss and make up” thing you used to have us do? Where everyone would gather and the pair having problems would each say their side of the story, and then you’d decide who was right and have them make up? Well, it sounds like Kevin and Eli definitely need that right now. Maybe Dongho and Kiseop too. I bet everyone needs it. They do trust you and love you, Soohyun. That’s my promise to you. U-KISS is still U-KISS, and you are still you, and we’re still a family.
Trust them, Soohyun. Not everything’s up to you. I don’t know why the manager thinks it is. He’s being way too hard on you. You’re doing what you can, but you’re not perfect, and that’s okay. You just have to believe in yourself. That’s what I want you to promise me, okay Soohyun?
AJ set his pen down for a moment. That had sounded a little desperate. But oh well. He continued,
If you really need to call me you can, any time of day. If I’m in class or sleeping or something just leave a voicemail and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.
Maybe I’m not there but you’re still the same steadfast and wonderful person as always, so I’m sure you can do it.
~*~
We had our meeting with the management today. I think I’m still in shock.
They had us all sit down at a big table and then we just sat there, for a long time. Completely silent. Kiseop was really nervous; he kept fidgeting and looking around. The other members wouldn’t stop staring so I tried to calm him down. He held my hand for almost the entire meeting, so tightly that I lost feeling in my fingers. I’ve never seen him like that before.
They asked us what was wrong, why we were behaving so poorly. I tried to say it was my fault, that they were doing their best, but Kiseop clenched my hand and I thought my fingers were going to break. And Hoon glared at me. Everyone else just stared at the table. Then the manager had me leave. I didn’t want to go but they made me. I couldn’t hear what they said while I was standing in the hall and I was so scared that maybe they were going to send me out of the group. I don’t know what I’d do if that happened. And then when they came out no one would look at me and I thought for sure that was what had happened.
I caught the manager and tried to ask him about it but he just shook his head and told me not to worry. But how could I not worry? I wanted to say more but he didn’t let me. He said that the other members were going to be more responsible from now on and that I really didn’t have to worry anymore. So, I don’t think I’m being kicked out. But something definitely happened while they were in that room.
Everyone was acting differently around me. I thought it was bad before but it’s just gotten worse. They won’t speak to me. When I come into the room, they stop talking and stare at the floor. I don’t know what I did. I don’t know what to do… It’s becoming more apparent that I wasn’t meant for this.
AJ, I’m going to tell you a secret. A secret that I’ve never told anyone else.
I shouldn’t be the leader of U-KISS.
We weren’t supposed to have a leader, but they felt that the band needed a change after Kibum and Alexander left. They chose me because I was the loudest in front of the camera, because it would bring me attention and I wouldn’t be forgotten. I’m not attractive like the rest of you, I can’t dance well. I can sing, but so can Kevin and Hoon. Without that title, I would be nothing and I did nothing to deserve it. Even if I tried to make Eli and Kevin talk, or Dongho and Kiseop, they wouldn’t listen. I’m not really the leader, it’s an empty name.
So don’t be mad at them, because it really isn’t their fault. And don’t be upset with the manager, he’s doing his best. We’re all just frustrated, I think.
I don’t really know what else to say but, I have to tell you this: You told me to believe in myself… but I don’t think I can. I’m sorry, AJ. I can’t promise you that. I wish I could. I wish I could make you happy.
I miss you so much that it hurts sometimes.
I’m sorry that this letter is so long. I’m sorry that I take up so much of your time. I’m sorry that I’m so needy and worthless. Sometimes I wish I could just go away.
Soohyun frantically scratched out the last line, going over it again and again. AJ didn’t need to see that. Sometimes the things he wrote scared him. When his innermost feelings came out, expressed on paper, his darkest thoughts, he became afraid. He knew they were there. And now he knew that they were growing.
Why was it that everything good in his life was leaving and everything bad was becoming worse?
Soohyun clutched his arms tightly around his chest, fingers balled into fists at his sides, pressed close to his ribcage, holding himself together. He had to stay strong, for the band. He had to stay strong, so he could help.
But, could he really? What had he done so far?
Nothing.
He had done nothing. He was worthless to them, a burden. His grip loosened just a bit, fingers opening, arms slipping down his
sides.
Maybe it would be better if he just fell apart, for everyone.
~*~*~*~*~
A/N:
Aaaand we will end it there for now, mwahaha. This will have at least 12 parts.
A little bit about this story:
Zoroyohgirl and I decided to write a Soohyun/AJ (we call them “Soojae”) one-shot together. That’s right, a one-shot. A nice, simple one-shot, with the purpose of being ‘practice’ before we went on to write other longer things together. The idea was Soohyun and AJ would write letters back and forth and their relationship would cutely evolve until they were reunited. And that would be that.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
The document is now 107 pages long, and, while it is definitely wrapping up, it is far from over.
We hope that you enjoy our masterpiece of monstrous length-our monsterpiece-and fall in love with Soojae as much as we did.
Zoroyohgirl here^^ anywho, just to add onto what Miss Elvin was saying...this was supposed to be practice. We had written a SooHoon together before but that was unni's baby and I was just helping. This was going to be our time to try some things out...and I guess we fulfilled that purpose in full. Cuz we got to try everything out...orz. seriously, so much time spent on this fic. i hope you all like it because there's A LOT more where this came from >_<
Pairing: AJ/Soohyun
Rating: PG-13 (until the long-awaited NC-17 sex scene)
Summary: AJ leaves for New York and Soohyun falls apart.
NOTE: 13_degrees_eros is the collaborative creative force of zoroyohgirl13 + 0_degrees_elvin.
~*~*~*~*~
PART ONE
~*~*~*~*~
AJ was leaving; for Columbia University they said. The official statement was that he was going to be gone for a short period of time to study and he would come back as quickly as possible to continue his career. They never had any reason not to believe the story. But there was always the little niggling doubt in the back of their minds, the whisper of what-if, what if AJ never returned? What if he never came back?
AJ was leaving; they had known that for a while. But it had never seemed real until tonight, when they had to tell their fans, when they knew that this was their last song. A Shared Dream. A song about coming together, being together, of succeeding together. But now they were being split apart. It was cruel irony, really.
And Soohyun knew he had to be strong, as the leader, but every time he allowed himself to think about it, allowed his eyes to drift to the man standing just a few feet away, tears threaten to spill over. Because AJ was family, AJ was someone who he had come to depend on for support, his lifeline and anchor during tough times. Soohyun might’ve been the leader but he knew he wasn’t the strongest, or the most secure. That was AJ. And now AJ was leaving, and Soohyun felt lost again. Just as lost as he had felt when Kibum and Alexander had left.
AJ was watching the screen, waiting for the music to come around, and when it did he faced the crowd with tears in his eyes and rapped with a slight hitch in his voice. Soohyun thought he could feel his heart breaking. Because that was the last time. When his voice refused to come out, when the tears had choked his throat, Soohyun felt shame, bowing his head. He couldn’t even send AJ off properly. He was a failure as a leader, and as a friend. He looked up and saw AJ crying, saw the other members trying to struggle through. Everyone was dancing and singing and doing their best; he was the only one who was now so worthless.
His limbs moved hollowly to the beat as tears continued to course in hot trails down his cheeks. His final solo approached and he prayed that he would at least be able to finish strong but instead everything came crashing down. The finality of the situation clenched his heart and forced him into silence, not even able to continue dancing, falling down onto one knee as he tried to suppress his sobs. They were on stage, in front of all of their fans, he couldn’t fall apart now. But he was. He was.
He was worthless.
His entire body felt numb as he stood back up, spine moving like a broken marionette. He followed everyone else up onto the higher platform of the stage, hand pressed to his face-why was he such a failure?
The stage disappeared slowly from their vision, the screams of their fans dulling until only Soohyun’s broken sobs remained. All of the other members were silent, from shock and sadness and respect for Soohyun’s grief. Because even if they didn’t show it, they all felt their hearts breaking.
Back in the dressing room, Soohyun didn’t say a word. He sat in a chair and let his face get cleaned off, stripped off his clothes silently and redressed just as quietly. There was nothing for him to say, after all.
All of the other members cast anxious glances in his direction, not quite knowing what to do, how to comfort him. They didn’t know the words to say to make it better because in the end, AJ was still leaving. No one could change that.
So they rode back to their hotel in an oppressive silence, no one daring to cut through the gloomy atmosphere. Even the manager didn’t say a word, only ushering them through the lobby with a stern expression and seeing them off to their rooms.
The second Soohyun stepped through the door he fled into the bathroom, locking the door behind him and sliding down the cheap wooden surface. He buried his head in his hands and let the tears come. He was such an idiot. Why couldn’t he even keep it together in front of the fans? The others had cried but they could keep singing. Why was he alone such a failure?
Eli and Dongho exchanged a nervous glance, neither knowing what to do, how to piece together their leader again. There was a knock on their door and Dongho rushed to answer it, expecting to see their manager but finding AJ instead. The older boy nodded at Dongho grimly then stepped inside, peering around until he heard Soohyun’s sobs coming through the bathroom door. He cleared his throat and turned to the other two boys.
“Could you give us a moment, please?”
Dongho nodded and pulled a stammering Eli out by his sleeve, pausing only to kick the door shut with his foot, leaving AJ alone in the room.
Reaching out slowly, AJ knocked on the bathroom door, listening closely as Soohyun sniffled and tried to muffle his sobs. Deciding that he wasn’t going to get a response, AJ sighed and pressed closer to the door.
“Soohyun, it’s AJ, can I come in?”
Everything fell silent and for a moment AJ was worried that Soohyun was going to ignore him. He opened his mouth to plead some more but was cut off by a low murmur, so low he could hardly hear it.
“No, go away.”
AJ slid down to where he figured Soohyun’s head would be and leaned against the cool wood, tears once again stinging his eyes. “Soohyun, please. Please don’t do this.” He was met by silence and the thickness in his throat grew. He inhaled deeply and tried to calm himself. “Soohyun, why can’t I come in? Can you at least tell me why you’re acting like this?”
Another sob escaped from Soohyun’s throat and AJ felt his own chest clench.
“It’s because I’m leaving, right?” AJ’s fingers curled against the wood, pressing into the surface as if they could reach the warm body slouched on the other side. “You’ll be fine without me, I promise.”
He heard the lock click and barely had time to prepare himself before the door was swinging open, almost making him lose balance and topple onto the tile floor. But he caught himself, with his face only inches from Soohyun’s tear stained one. He drew in a breath as Soohyun leaned closer with frantic eyes.
“How do you know I’ll be fine? How can you know that?” He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to wipe some of the tears away. “I can’t do it, I can’t.” He sobbed, sound ragged in his throat, and pushed away, wedging himself beneath the sink.
Moving slowly, AJ followed Soohyun into the bathroom, shutting the door behind them before settling in front of Soohyun. He clasped his hands together in his lap and fought to keep his voice level as he spoke. “You’re a great leader, Soohyun. You guys don’t need me to keep going. You were fine without me before and you’ll be fine without me while I’m gone.” His eyes flew open as Soohyun’s fingers dug into his biceps, holding him tight and shaking him slightly.
“Who says we were fine before? Who says I’m a good leader? How the hell do you think you know anything?” Soohyun’s voice broke as he yelled and he fell back against the wall with a thud, breath coming out in shallow pants. All of the energy had left his body and he had to fight to keep his words audible. “I can’t do it, AJ. I’m not strong enough. I want to help everybody, make them happy, but I can’t. I just can’t.”
AJ gently wiped the tears from beneath his eyes. “Then don’t. Just do the best you can and everyone will understand.”
Soohyun was shaking his head before AJ had even finished speaking. “It doesn’t work that way. I’m the leader, so I have to do it all. No matter what, I have to take care of everyone. But I can’t do it, not by myself.”
Two sets of tear-stained eyes met and in that moment AJ knew what Soohyun was implying. He took a deep breath and put his hands beneath Soohyun’s elbows, urging him forward, pushing Soohyun’s head into the crook of his neck. He rocked back and forth and hummed gently into Soohyun’s hair. “You won’t be alone. I’ll always be there for you, even when I’m not in the same country. I promise.”
Soohyun let his breathing slowly even out before he dared to shift his head, nuzzling further into the warmth of AJ’s skin. It had been so long since he had been held, so long since he had experienced such comfort. All alone, reality felt like a bucket of cold water being thrown over his head. He sucked in a breath and managed to choke back the first sob that jerked his chest.
AJ’s hands were immediately pulling him closer, smoothing up and down his back trying to soothe him. But Soohyun couldn’t be placated. They were right back where they started; AJ couldn’t keep his promise.
“But AJ… There’ll be no way for us to talk easily, what with the time difference... and you’ll have classes, and studying, and a whole new college life, and I’ll have my schedule. And even if there was a time when we were both free it might be weird.”
AJ’s eyebrows came together as he realized that what Soohyun said was the truth. Even if they managed to make time to talk, they’d always feel rushed, or someone else would want to talk or listen in. There would be no real way for AJ to help.
They were both silent for a long moment, lost in their own thoughts, until AJ’s grip suddenly tightened as a grin spread over his face.
“Well, then I guess we’ll just have to do things the old fashioned way.” He chuckled a bit at Soohyun’s baffled expression. “We’ll write letters. That way, we can write whenever, send them whenever and read them whenever we have time. How does that sound?”
Soohyun considered the proposal then nodded slowly, liking the idea more and more as it sank in. “I’ll have to make sure you know the right address to send it to but yeah, it should work.” He allowed a small smile to curve the corner of his mouth.
AJ hugged him tighter then laughed at the blush that colored Soohyun’s face as he was reminded of the position they were in. He ruffled Soohyun’s hair playfully and pushed him back into his shoulder, leaning against the door and taking Soohyun with him. With Soohyun’s warm weight against his chest, AJ felt like he could stay there forever, despite the cold tile digging into his tailbone.
But a soft rustling outside the door brought him back to reality, Eli and Dongho’s nervous voices meeting his ears. “Do you think everything’s okay?” “I don’t see why not…” “Well, it’s awfully quiet…” “I guess…”
AJ patted Soohyun’s back a few times and they both stood up, Soohyun awkwardly trying to wipe his eyes, but AJ caught his hand and brought it back down to his side. “Don’t worry about it, no one’s going to judge you.” He threaded their fingers together and gave Soohyun’s hand a squeeze before unlocking the door and pushing it open.
Stepping out into the room, Eli and Dongho’s faces were immediately peeking at them from around the corner. They both watched Soohyun cautiously before deeming everything safe and rushing forward to tackle him into a hug. Soohyun gasped then laughed at the sudden attack, flailing wildly as he attempted not to fall over at the sudden weight. AJ let his fingers slip slowly away, backing out of the room with a smile. They would be okay.
He would be okay.
~*~
Hi Soohyun. I hope you are doing well finishing up your schedule in Japan. To be honest my first weeks here have been really difficult. I’ve been really busy with orientation activities and learning about the city and have met so many nice people, and that’s been great, but it’s been so hard being without all of you. Waking up every morning knowing I’m not going to see you guys like I have been nearly every day of my life, and then going to bed knowing I’m not going to see you the next day either… it’s so hard. I have a completely different life now, and it feels too new and strange, like it’s someone else’s life. I miss you all so much. I miss you so much.
AJ sighed, crumpling up the piece of paper and throwing it against the wall above the desk he was sitting at, which just made it rebound back to him. He couldn’t write all that. He was supposed to be the one helping Soohyun keep himself together; he couldn’t tell him that he was falling apart too. He looked down at the fresh page in his notebook and started again.
Hey Soohyun! How’s Japan? You’re almost done there, right? Then you can go back to Korea and maybe relax for a bit, yeah? I hope you all get to. Really, the thing I’m enjoying most about being here is getting to sleep. And not just because of the jet lag. Really, living at a grueling pace like we’ve been doing… No wonder you feel like a failure all the time, Soohyun; you don’t have a second to pause and realize how much you’ve accomplished and how amazing you are
AJ stopped writing a second time, and laid his head down on the page. His true feelings came out, no matter what he tried. And now he had pressed his forehead against wet ink, great…
He stood up and went to look at himself in the mirror, but his face was clean of any scribbled marks. He stared at himself. Without any make-up and with his short haircut, he looked… completely ordinary. Like there was absolutely no way he could be an idol or anything else special. Just another international student coming to the big city.
Studying was something he’d wanted to do, wanted to do so badly. But now there was something else he wanted to do, something he wanted to be for someone else. And he wanted both things equally. But he couldn’t be in two places at the same time.
He sat back down at the desk, and ripped out the second failed letter. Best to keep it short, then.
Hi Soohyun. I hope you and the rest of the band are doing well in Japan. I hope you’re able to go back to Korea soon and rest. I’m enjoying Columbia so far, and sleeping. But I have been really busy going to orientation stuff and learning about the city. I’ve even found some good Korean restaurants already! I’m meeting so many new people, but I still miss all of you a lot. Tell everyone I say hi! And write back soon.
~*~
Soohyun stared down at the blank sheet of paper in front of him, unsure of what he wanted to say. He picked up AJ’s letter again, skimming through it even though he already knew each line by heart. Sighing, he picked up his pen and decided to just give it a shot.
Hi AJ. We’re all doing fine. Kiseop had a bit of an incident with a juice container the other day but we got everything cleaned up before the manager came back. I think we’ll be back in Korea soon, but I don’t think we’ll be there for long. It’s great that you’re having fun, but make sure to relax as well. I know you need it. But really? I bet they still aren’t as good as the real stuff. Right? Nothing can be as good as the real thing. I’ll tell them, don’t worry. They’ll be glad to know you’re doing well.
So, did I write back fast enough? I hope you continue to do well with your studies. We’ll all be thinking of you. A lot. Don’t forget to keep in touch.
Soohyun shook his head and tore out the page, looking at it sadly for a moment before folding it in thirds. It wasn’t good, but it also wasn’t getting any better. There was no point in trying to write it again. Besides, AJ was probably going to be too busy with school to read it.
So it didn’t matter that he had sounded a bit too needy, a bit too defensive. It didn’t matter if he sounded perhaps a bit bitter and alone. Because even if AJ did have time to read his letter, he certainly wouldn’t put that much thought into it.
~*~
AJ sat at the back of the lecture that day because he couldn’t stop giggling to himself. He had Soohyun’s letter in front of him instead of his psychology notebook, and was rereading the line about “Kiseop’s juice incident,” over and over. The students on either side of him kept looking at him strangely, but he didn’t care. Kiseop really did live in his own world. And it was a world AJ missed being in proximity of. Imagining what had happened, and the other members’ reactions… It was just too funny. He started writing a response immediately, when he should’ve been taking notes instead.
A juice container, huh? Don’t you know you should only give him sippy cups? Or only things with a straw?
But he stopped writing. Because he realized the importance of all the things Soohyun hadn’t written, if this was the only noteworthy thing that had gone wrong. A lot more than that had to have happened that Soohyun wasn’t telling him about.
AJ sighed-more softly than his giggles had been. If Soohyun wasn’t going to be the one to open up first, then he had to be. He had to show him that it was okay. Without revealing too much and making Soohyun worry about him too.
You’re right; nothing is the same here as it is back home. All the kimchi is really lame. I miss everything, my mother’s terrible cooking, the late night rehearsals, and
AJ paused over the next word. Whatever. He could say it. Soohyun had almost said it. It wouldn’t be weird.
and you. Sometimes it hurts so much I want to abandon everything and take the train to the airport and get on the first flight back to Seoul.
But, you know what I do when I start feeling like that? I just remember that all of you are out there, missing me as much as I miss you. And that every sadness is just another story to tell you about. And in return you’ll tell me all your stories. So I know it’ll be okay. Because a weakness is no longer a weakness if you share it.
So take care, Soohyun, and know that I’m out here, thinking of you. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too. And only dress Kiseop in spill-resistant clothing.
~*~
Soohyun couldn’t help the slight chuckle that left his lips as he read the last line of AJ’s letter. They really should look into something like that for Kiseop. But the smile fell from his face as he reread the letter in its entirety, taking in AJ’s words.
He missed Korea, he missed…he missed him. Soohyun’s heart clenched a bit when AJ talked about running back, both with fear and hope. He knew that traveling to America was best for AJ, but a selfish part of him still wanted to see AJ back again. He just had to shove that darker part of himself away. He forced himself to focus on the next lines, immediately feeling the tightness in his chest returning.
AJ was still trusting them, still thinking of them. And it was so like AJ to throw in philosophical musings alongside everything else. That was part of what made him so special, part of what drew Soohyun towards him. AJ always seemed to have the answers, or at least a piece of helpful advice and a shoulder to lean on. Soohyun’s mind drifted back to the night in Japan, huddled together on the bathroom floor, he could almost feel AJ’s hands on his back, their warmth through his thin t-shirt. He shuddered at the memory and quickly picked up his pen.
I’ll make sure to tell the cordi-noonas about your suggestion. I’m sure they’ll appreciate the idea. He spilled something else today, soy sauce, all over his pants. Luckily we were done with schedule for the day. But, that’s not really all that happened. In fact, a lot has happened since you left. I don’t…I don’t really know where to start.
I know the manager is upset with me. I’m not doing well. Eli is getting a bit out of control, I don’t know if you’ve been checking online, but he’s begun taking his bad boy image a bit too seriously. Kevin’s pretty upset with him too, after he wore a hat that apparently said something profane then posted it. And Dongho’s being rebellious, not just his usual impish maknae stuff, but…more. It’s hard to explain. I’d have Eli talk to him but…as I said…not really an option. Hoon’s been trying to help me as much as he can with everything but I know he’s really stressed and I don’t want to push him too hard. I’m only having him help with Dongho right now. Oh, and I know Kiseop misses you a lot. Whenever we mention you he kind of freezes, and then drops whatever he’s holding. He’s become clumsier since you left. You were always such a constant, now that you’re gone I think everyone’s a bit lost.
Soohyun took a deep breath. Should he-should he say it? AJ had been open with him, but should he do the same? He’d already dumped all of the band drama on him, was it really alright for Soohyun to put his own insecurities out there? He sighed and wrapped his arms around his chest, staring up at the ceiling. It was so hard to hold it together sometimes. But he had to make it through.
He bowed his head a bit and rubbed the wetness from his eyes, finishing the rest of the letter with shaking hands.
I know I’m lost too. I’m not going to say I wish you were here, because I know that right now you’re where you belong. But, Jaeseop, please don’t spend too much time away. Study hard and graduate quickly so that you can come back. We all need you.
A few drops slid down Soohyun’s nose before dripping down onto the paper, making fuzzy dots on the page.
I need you.
He swallowed thickly and threw his pen down on the desk, burying his face in his arms and sobbing. He was such a failure. He couldn’t do anything by himself. Even now, he was depending on someone halfway across the globe to help him do his job. Pathetic. Pitiful.
That’s what he was.
~*~
AJ’s hand hesitated over the buttons. This was dumb, the hesitation. So cliché, like Soohyun was the girl whose number AJ was afraid to call. When… he wasn’t. And that analogy was weird and AJ was never using it again. Maybe AJ was only afraid because of the time difference. It was pretty late there, and early here; he’d woken up at this time on purpose. It might work. Soohyun might be available…
Whatever. He dialed the number.
Soohyun picked up after a few rings.
“Hello?” Soohyun rolled over onto his side in bed and rubbed at his eyes a bit, trying to think of who could be calling him. But it didn't really matter, he hadn't been able to sleep anyway.
"Hey!" AJ exclaimed, wincing at the sound of his own voice. That had been a bit too loud. "It's... It's me."
Soohyun squinted into the darkness for a moment, trying to force his brain to work. "AJ?"
"Sorry, if this is a bad time..."
"No, you’re fine." Soohyun sat up and stifled a yawn with the back of his hand. "What do you need? Is everything okay?"
"Oh, yeah, I just thought... you might want to hear my voice. My actual voice." AJ took a second to slap his forehead. This was going all wrong. He had to take back control of the conversation before Soohyun freaked out more. When Soohyun was the one AJ was worrying about. "I just got your letter, and I... uh..." Good job, AJ, good job, he told himself. This is even better than letter writing. Now Soohyun knows that you are unable to form sentences when it really matters. "I wanted to let you know, right away," he finished. He lay his head down on his desk, giving up for the moment.
Soohyun was quiet for a long time, confused as to what exactly was going on. He decided to blame it on lack of sleep. "Um, okay. I'm glad you got it." He shifted a bit on the comforter. If AJ had gotten his letter… then he had probably read what was in it… oh God. A blush took over his face and he turned to the wall even though AJ was miles away. What had he gotten himself into?
"So, uh..." AJ started. What was with all the 'uh's? He didn't normally talk like this. "I wanted to see if there was anything you needed to talk about, right away. Anything that couldn't wait for a letter."
Soohyun blinked a few times and swallowed thickly, nervously. "L-like what?"
"Um..." AJ hesitated for a long time, just breathing in and out. Then he just said it. "You."
"Me?" Soohyun's eyes widened in surprise. He hadn't been expecting that.
"Yeah. All the other members have their problems being dealt with by you, or have someone else looking out for them, but you, you don't have anyone looking out for you." There. That had been a coherent sentence. AJ closed his eyes. He guessed he was that person for Soohyun, now.
Soohyun took a moment to let that sink in before blowing out a breath. "Well, yeah, I'm the leader. That's how it's supposed to be."
"Uh, no, that's not how it should be."
Soohyun clenched his fists into the sheets. His voice was tight as he spoke despite his efforts to try and keep a smile on his face. "Oh really, and how should it be then?"
Great, now he was just making Soohyun mad. AJ softened his tone. "I meant, that's not how it has to be, Soohyun."
"What other way is there, AJ?" Soohyun sprang up from his bed and tried to keep his voice down, aware of the late hour as he paced across the room. "I'm the leader, I'm responsible for keeping everyone safe and happy and on-time and whatever else! I'm the one who's supposed to take care of everything. That's what being a leader is about and I've learned that. So don't try and tell me there's another way." Tears stung at the corners of his eyes. Damnit, why did he always break down so easily whenever AJ was involved?
“Soohyun…” AJ said, treading carefully. He didn’t want to make Soohyun more upset than he already was, but he also wasn’t going to back down. He wasn’t letting Soohyun continue to treat himself this way. “Can you really not see by now that it’s okay for you to be a human being? You know, one whose feelings don’t always work the right way? And who can’t always fix everything right away? Somehow everyone else is allowed to be imperfect except you, and you’re supposed to live that way?”
Soohyun was silent for a long time, considering AJ's words, breath hitching every now and again as tears continued to gather at his eyes.
Frustrated, AJ clenched his hands into fists. Then he released them. That wasn't what Soohyun needed. "Admitting that you have weaknesses doesn't make you weak, Soohyun. Pretending that you're invincible does, because it's just wearing you down." That had come out too harsh. AJ wished he was there with Soohyun right now, so he could hold him like he had in the hotel bathroom and show him what he really meant. "You have me, Soohyun. You have all of us. You can fall apart a little if you have to. I'll put you back together, I promise."
Soohyun's breath caught in his throat. AJ's words stung, biting into him unlike anything he had felt before, because they were true. He knew they were. He wrapped his arms around himself and sank back down onto his bed, rocking slowly back and forth. Even if AJ was willing to help… that didn't mean he'd be able to. He was so far away, after all. But, listening to AJ's even breaths on the other end of the phone, Soohyun felt some of his resolve break away. He wanted, needed the warmth that AJ provided. He didn't know what to do without it. He clutched himself tighter and let the tears fall, fat and warm across his cheeks. "AJ... I... I can't..."
AJ reached out his arms. Soohyun's tears were so evident he could almost feel them soaking into his shirt, where they would fall if he could hold Soohyun like he wanted to. "You can, Soohyun, you can. I'm here. I'm there with you right now. Even though I'm not, okay? That doesn't matter. I'm right here with you, Soohyun."
"AJ." Soohyun's voice cracked and the damn broke loose, all of his fears and frustrations coming out in a rush of sobs and choked whimpers. "AJ, I need-I need you." Soohyun knew he was crying like a child but he couldn't force himself to care as he felt his entire body suddenly grow cold and empty. He was breaking. He knew he was. And he was alone. He fell back onto the bed and pulled the covers tight around him, sobbing uncontrollably into the sheets.
"Soohyun... It's okay, it's okay..." AJ whispered. It was all he could do to comfort Soohyun. He couldn't do anything else, and he knew what Soohyun really needed to do was let it all out. It was unbearable, hearing all of Soohyun's pain but being able to do nothing to help him, but there was nothing else he could do. Other than cry a few tears of his own-which were also useless. "I'm still here, Soohyun, I'm here."
Soohyun continued to cry until his pillow was drenched and his face was red and puffy. He knew he'd be yelled at in the morning because of it. Even his sadness caused trouble for other people. He clutched tighter to the phone in his hands. "AJ... wh-why am I so worthless?"
"I don't think you're worthless, Soohyun. I don't think anyone thinks you're worthless. Except you."
At that, Soohyun paused. Sobs quieting into tiny hiccups as he stared confusedly into the darkness. "Wh-what?"
"Soohyun, nobody else thinks those things about you. Except you. They all think you're a wonderful leader. I know, because they all told me when I joined the band. Even though you weren't even the official leader yet, they told me how you'd always help the younger members, and how even when the others were sad after Kibum and Alexander left you just kept working hard and encouraged them to do the same. And that was before you were even the leader. Think about how much you've done. How much we've done. Yeah, U-KISS isn't always on top, but... we did great in Japan, we got to go to Colombia... That doesn't go away just because... Eli wears a dumb hat or whatever."
Soohyun sniffled a bit and pressed the phone tighter to his ear. "Yeah, I guess. But it's still hard sometimes." He took a deep breath, flinching inwardly when it shuddered, and wiped his eyes. "It can just get crazy."
"Yeah, of course. Of course it will. It's okay for you to feel overwhelmed sometimes."
Soohyun hummed in the back of his throat and felt his eyes start to droop a bit. It was already very late at night, and crying had taken a lot out of him. He curled himself up in the covers and cradled the phone close to his ear. "AJ?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you...can you just talk to me for a little bit? Please?"
"Of course. I'm not going anywhere." AJ exhaled, his mouth curving up slightly. Soohyun sounded much better now. "What do you want me to talk about?"
"Mmmm, I don't care. Something happy. Tell me about New York."
"Hmm, alright." AJ got out of the chair and went to the bed, where he curled up on his side. He had been holding himself tight in one position while talking to Soohyun, but now he let himself relax. "There's a lot to talk about. For one, I ride the subway all the time here. All the time. It gets so stuffy in those tunnels, it's crazy. It'll be freezing outside, but down there you're dying, like it's a sauna. And you have to move so fast, or the people will walk all over you, literally. But my favorite part is the people playing music. All kinds of instruments, guitars, violins... I like to think about U-KISS performing down there, how all the people would stop and look and hear us. It's hard to get New Yorkers to stop, but I think they would for us. But oh my gosh! The craziest people ride the subway! This one time..."
AJ talked until Soohyun was definitely asleep. Though he knew he couldn't hear him, he whispered, "Goodnight Soohyun," before he hung up. Then he settled himself under the covers to sleep also. He could rest now that he knew Soohyun was okay. He could rest now that he knew the teardrops that had fallen on the letter hadn't fallen alone.
~*~
In the solitude of his room, Soohyun stared at the paper in front of him. He took a deep breath and uncapped the pen. It had been a week since AJ’s call, a week since he had woken up with his phone imprinted to his cheek and his eyes bloodshot from tears.
It had been a few days since the accident, a few days since he had had to wipe hot coffee from Kiseop’s shirt and pants and a few days since he had had to pull Dongho aside and tell him enough was enough.
It had been a few hours since he had left the practice room, a few hours since he had stopped Kevin from slapping Eli across the face and called rehearsal.
It had been a few minutes since he had gotten off the phone with the manager, a few minutes since he had been yelled at for not keeping Eli in line.
He had thought that maybe, he could do it. With AJ’s help and support, maybe he could get everything back to the way it should be. But he had been wrong. Things were only getting worse.
Hey AJ, thanks for calling last time. It helped a lot. Sorry I didn’t write sooner but this past week has been… well, it’s been hell. I’m not even going to lie. You said that I was a good leader and that the other members respected me, but it’s been a few years since they told you that. Things have changed. They don’t care about me anymore.
Dongho scared Kiseop and made him spill hot coffee all over himself. I’m just glad there weren’t any severe burns. I tried to talk to Dongho but he wouldn’t look at me. And today, Kevin and Eli got into a fight. Neither of them would talk to me or tell me what was wrong, they just ignored me. I don’t think they trust me anymore. And I just got off the phone with the manager. He’s very upset with me. I can’t blame him though, I know I’m failing. Even Hoon is beginning to grow distant.
I tried to be more confident; I tried to help them through their problems. But they wouldn’t let me. I think I really am a horrible leader. And more than that, I’m a terrible friend. I really wish you were here. They would talk to you. Maybe you should call them. I don’t know what else to do anymore.
I know you said you would be there for me, but sometimes it’s so hard to remember that promise. You’re so far away and whenever things go bad and I want to talk to you, I look at my watch and know that you’re sleeping, that I can’t call. I wish you were closer. I wish you were here and that I was the one gone. I think it would be better that way. For everyone.
There’ll be a group meeting with management sometime next week. I know that we’re in trouble. I just hope that they aren’t too mad at the other members. I tried to convince the manager to let me go alone but he wouldn’t hear it. I don’t know what’s going to happen. And I’m scared, AJ. I’m scared that there won’t be a group for you to return to. I’m sorry, if that’s the case. I’m sorry that I’ve ruined everything. I’ll try to make it right again. I promise.
~*~
AJ was mad. He paced around his room, making faces at the walls. Then, in an attempt to distract himself into thinking coherently, he threw all his dirty clothes from his floor into the basket, a task he’d put off doing. But he immediately emptied it back out, searching for the lost mate to a sock. When that was unsuccessful, he tossed everything back in, one item at a time, listening for the smack as they hit the plastic before falling against the others. But he was still angry. How could the other members do that to Soohyun? Who did they think they were? Dongho was charming and admittedly good at almost anything, but sometimes he let that go to his head. Picking on Kiseop to that extent was unacceptable. Spilling coffee sounded funny and all, but anything that hot actually hurt a person. Clearly Kiseop was already on edge and Dongho should know better. They should all know better. And now even Kevin and Eli were acting up… Maybe AJ should call them all, just to tell them to cut it out.
No. Soohyun could handle this on his own. AJ knew he could. He just had to get Soohyun to believe that too.
But, more than all that, AJ was angry at himself. For not being able to do more. And for being here when he should’ve been there. He wanted to take Soohyun in his arms and tell him everything was going to be okay, feel Soohyun’s breathing against his skin, his hair against his lips. And then…
Well, he’d just stick to holding him.
Soohyun was convinced AJ would be a better leader than he was, which was not true at all. All the other stupid members and their stupid moodiness had him convinced he couldn’t do anything right, that the band would fall apart even, which was also wrong.
AJ wandered back to his desk and read the letter again, his eyes stopping over the line, I wish you were here and that I was the one gone. I think it would be better that way. For everyone.
Oh hell no. AJ was going to strangle something, preferably that stupid lost sock if he ever found it. He burst up from the chair and fell on his knees to look under the bed, finally finding it by a discarded text book. He twisted it around in his hands, over and over, tighter and tighter, until they finally grew tired of the chafing. Being angry like this on Soohyun’s behalf wouldn’t help. They were his friends too. They just all needed to be reminded of what was really important.
And underneath all this anger was… sadness. That Soohyun still felt this way, despite everything AJ had done to convince him otherwise. He was sad that the other members were being unfair to Soohyun instead of working together. And sad that… he wasn’t there to stand beside him. Because Soohyun was promising him that he’d fix things, and that just wasn’t right.
AJ put the sock in the basket and when back to his desk to begin his reply.
Soohyun, you are the leader. For a reason. Remember that. And also remember that, though they are having disagreements right now, with each other and with you, they are still your friends. You just need to talk to them, like you talk to me. (Okay, maybe not quite like you talk to me.) Remind them that it’s up to them too to keep the band going, and they need to work through their relationship problems because U-KISS comes first, and U-KISS is only U-KISS if we’re all working together. Remember that “kiss and make up” thing you used to have us do? Where everyone would gather and the pair having problems would each say their side of the story, and then you’d decide who was right and have them make up? Well, it sounds like Kevin and Eli definitely need that right now. Maybe Dongho and Kiseop too. I bet everyone needs it. They do trust you and love you, Soohyun. That’s my promise to you. U-KISS is still U-KISS, and you are still you, and we’re still a family.
Trust them, Soohyun. Not everything’s up to you. I don’t know why the manager thinks it is. He’s being way too hard on you. You’re doing what you can, but you’re not perfect, and that’s okay. You just have to believe in yourself. That’s what I want you to promise me, okay Soohyun?
AJ set his pen down for a moment. That had sounded a little desperate. But oh well. He continued,
If you really need to call me you can, any time of day. If I’m in class or sleeping or something just leave a voicemail and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.
Maybe I’m not there but you’re still the same steadfast and wonderful person as always, so I’m sure you can do it.
~*~
We had our meeting with the management today. I think I’m still in shock.
They had us all sit down at a big table and then we just sat there, for a long time. Completely silent. Kiseop was really nervous; he kept fidgeting and looking around. The other members wouldn’t stop staring so I tried to calm him down. He held my hand for almost the entire meeting, so tightly that I lost feeling in my fingers. I’ve never seen him like that before.
They asked us what was wrong, why we were behaving so poorly. I tried to say it was my fault, that they were doing their best, but Kiseop clenched my hand and I thought my fingers were going to break. And Hoon glared at me. Everyone else just stared at the table. Then the manager had me leave. I didn’t want to go but they made me. I couldn’t hear what they said while I was standing in the hall and I was so scared that maybe they were going to send me out of the group. I don’t know what I’d do if that happened. And then when they came out no one would look at me and I thought for sure that was what had happened.
I caught the manager and tried to ask him about it but he just shook his head and told me not to worry. But how could I not worry? I wanted to say more but he didn’t let me. He said that the other members were going to be more responsible from now on and that I really didn’t have to worry anymore. So, I don’t think I’m being kicked out. But something definitely happened while they were in that room.
Everyone was acting differently around me. I thought it was bad before but it’s just gotten worse. They won’t speak to me. When I come into the room, they stop talking and stare at the floor. I don’t know what I did. I don’t know what to do… It’s becoming more apparent that I wasn’t meant for this.
AJ, I’m going to tell you a secret. A secret that I’ve never told anyone else.
I shouldn’t be the leader of U-KISS.
We weren’t supposed to have a leader, but they felt that the band needed a change after Kibum and Alexander left. They chose me because I was the loudest in front of the camera, because it would bring me attention and I wouldn’t be forgotten. I’m not attractive like the rest of you, I can’t dance well. I can sing, but so can Kevin and Hoon. Without that title, I would be nothing and I did nothing to deserve it. Even if I tried to make Eli and Kevin talk, or Dongho and Kiseop, they wouldn’t listen. I’m not really the leader, it’s an empty name.
So don’t be mad at them, because it really isn’t their fault. And don’t be upset with the manager, he’s doing his best. We’re all just frustrated, I think.
I don’t really know what else to say but, I have to tell you this: You told me to believe in myself… but I don’t think I can. I’m sorry, AJ. I can’t promise you that. I wish I could. I wish I could make you happy.
I miss you so much that it hurts sometimes.
I’m sorry that this letter is so long. I’m sorry that I take up so much of your time. I’m sorry that I’m so needy and worthless. Sometimes I wish I could just go away.
Soohyun frantically scratched out the last line, going over it again and again. AJ didn’t need to see that. Sometimes the things he wrote scared him. When his innermost feelings came out, expressed on paper, his darkest thoughts, he became afraid. He knew they were there. And now he knew that they were growing.
Why was it that everything good in his life was leaving and everything bad was becoming worse?
Soohyun clutched his arms tightly around his chest, fingers balled into fists at his sides, pressed close to his ribcage, holding himself together. He had to stay strong, for the band. He had to stay strong, so he could help.
But, could he really? What had he done so far?
Nothing.
He had done nothing. He was worthless to them, a burden. His grip loosened just a bit, fingers opening, arms slipping down his
sides.
Maybe it would be better if he just fell apart, for everyone.
~*~*~*~*~
A/N:
Aaaand we will end it there for now, mwahaha. This will have at least 12 parts.
A little bit about this story:
Zoroyohgirl and I decided to write a Soohyun/AJ (we call them “Soojae”) one-shot together. That’s right, a one-shot. A nice, simple one-shot, with the purpose of being ‘practice’ before we went on to write other longer things together. The idea was Soohyun and AJ would write letters back and forth and their relationship would cutely evolve until they were reunited. And that would be that.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
The document is now 107 pages long, and, while it is definitely wrapping up, it is far from over.
We hope that you enjoy our masterpiece of monstrous length-our monsterpiece-and fall in love with Soojae as much as we did.
Zoroyohgirl here^^ anywho, just to add onto what Miss Elvin was saying...this was supposed to be practice. We had written a SooHoon together before but that was unni's baby and I was just helping. This was going to be our time to try some things out...and I guess we fulfilled that purpose in full. Cuz we got to try everything out...orz. seriously, so much time spent on this fic. i hope you all like it because there's A LOT more where this came from >_<