at midnight tears fall into your ears.
so we talked. in the end this is somehow my fault, for wanting more for him. for getting upset when he blew me off, lied to me, with held information.
the thing is... if he had just once shown that he cared for me as more than a friend, as a possible girlfriend, i would have trusted him. i would have left well enough alone. we all do things subconciously. My subconcious pushes things to breaking points, simply to see if he cares enough to stick around. I dont expect that he'll take my ultimatem. I dont expect that he'll stop and think to himself 'hey, she cares so much, and we really do have some fun times together. maybe, JUST FUCKING MAYBE if i told her i care enough about her to call her my girl, it would be that one little thing she needs to quell her fears, to show her that she can trust me... and maybe, yea, maybe i need her too, in a sense. I mean, i miss her, right? and she did always try to make me happy. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. i do care about her. and i do want to make her happy and i do want to call her my girl. and HOLY FUCKING SHIT, i feel bad that i hurt her. i want to give this a chance. i want to kiss her and flirt with her and be with her.'
i'm not stupid enough to think he'll really think any of those things... i'm just stupid enough to hope for it.
it's funny. I have never been a jealous girlfriend. and i am not jealous now. I am suspicious. the thing is... I do love him. and i know he doesnt love me. i know that. but i cant play the fuck buddy game anymore. if he wanted me to not be upset when he flirted, if he wanted me to trust him, if he wanted me to be less upset in general: all he had to do was say "she's my girl" because to me, that would be enough. it still would. to me, admiting it, saying you care, admiting to being in a relationship with me, telling other people he cares, THAT WOULD BE ENOUGH. he could never take me on a date, he could flirt with tracy all he fucking wants, he could go to the bar alone without me worrying (*which we have proof i did have reason to worry now, thank you.*) he could go to phil's for the weekend... because just by saying he cares enough to call me his girl- that's enough. that he's willing to make it public, to say he cares to more than just me, to say i'm worth something to him as more than a maid and a whore- that's enough. i'd be the happiest little girl on earth. and it would have solved problems from the start. because it would have said to me "you can trust me, because i'm not keeping that i care for you some secret."
sure, i've gotten upset with him. sure i've cried and yelled. not so often as he seems to think, and i honestly believe that i have only gotten upset if he has said or done something to hurt me. i can say "if he decides to give this a chance it wont happen anymore" but i'm not going to lie. there will still be times that we get upset with each other. the difference is, i wouldnt always be wondering when the other shoe was going to drop this time. because i would still be wearing both shoes. or be barefoot, whichever.
I love him. honestly. i get more upset with myself for getting upset with him, for showing him that i am upset, than i do with him for the things he does. I wont deny that when i say i want him to be happy, a part of me is thinking i want him to be happy *with me*. but a bigger part of me just wants him to be happy. be that with me or with amanda the whore (who wont make him happy but he can fool himself if he wants to. eventually he'll see how she really is and he'll find someone better) or whoever. he deserves to be happy.
the thing is, so do i. and if he chooses that i'm not worth a fighting chance, if he decides that he's through with me, that i'm too much, not enough, whatever, then that's ok. yes, i will cry for a few weeks. yes, i will dream about him, i will wake up feeling sick and having a hard time breathing, but i will move on. he knows even if he chooses amanda, even if he chooses to call this quits, that i'll be there if he needs me.
but it really is all or nothing this time. if he decides he wants to be with me, it's going to be WITH ME. none of this "until someone else i feel like making out with comes along" bullshit. no. this time, it's under my rules. they're really rather simple: You kiss me and only me. I get the title- because the title is the savior. the title says "i wont fuck around, because you're worth admiting i care for you openly." and i get the truth. None of this fucking bullshit. this lying, this withholding information, and then, when i get upset saying "i didnt want you to get upset" WELL GUESS WHAT YOU FUCKING MORON? IF YOU DIDNT DO THIS EVERY TIME I WOULDNT GET UPSET EVERY TIME. just be honest and upfront about what you feel and want. even if it pisses me off i'm so much less likely to 'fly off the handle' or get pissy about it if you just tell me from the start. that is all. really, it's not asking for that much. if he really does care, then saying he wont fuck or kiss other girls untill AFTER he breaks up with me shouldnt be such a big deal, and it should be even less hard to maintain. if he really does care, then saying "yes, i have a girl," or, "yes, she's my girlfriend/girl" shouldnt be so hard. if he cares, if he really wants this to work, then telling me upfront if there's a problem instead of waiting untill it's out of hand shouldnt be so hard.
so we'll see. I keep telling myself he wont call. i keep telling myself he's going to amanda's tonight and he's not even going to think of me. i keep telling myself that this will never work out, i keep telling myself it's not ment to be i keep telling myself to just let it go... but the thing is... i cant help but think that even if he has to keep his barriers up, even if he cant trust me fully, even if he keeps playing these games.... he wouldnt keep comming back, or letting me back in or however the situation goes... he wouldnt answer my calls, he wouldnt text me, he would have packed my shit up and had it sitting in his car this morning, he wouldnt have said what he said in his sleep, he wouldnt have said that he had to think it through, and he wouldnt have come home looking like he was about to cry after kissing amanda the whore, unless he really does care. if he didnt care, he would have pushed me away as he was falling asleep the night he told me, instead of pulling me close and whispering that he was sorry. if he didnt care, he wouldnt have made it a point to check on me after i puked from being so upset, if he didnt care he wouldnt listen to me over and over again, his eyes wouldnt turn green like they do when he's really concidering something or upset... if he didnt care, he would have done this a long time ago, and he would have been sober when he did it. or maybe i have all this backwards. maybe he doesnt care. maybe... maybe i love a boy who is incapable of loving in return. maybe
what kills me though, is that amanda lied to me. what kills me is that he knows how dirty and gross and slutty she is. what kills me is that when i went to dennys that night i told scrappy, "i trust him though. he wont do anything with her, no matter how hard she tries." and i was wrong. dead. fucking. wrong.
but the thing is, if he said he wanted me, if he said she wasnt worth the drama she brings (and she brings more than i do, especially if he were to just fucking say he wanted to be with me) if he said he knew what he did was wrong, if he said he cared about me and he wouldnt do it again... i would forgive him. because i love him. not because i'm some stupid little doormat. this is still all or nothing. but i do love him. i cant stop it, believe me, i would like nothing more than to hate him. but in the end... all i want is for him to be happy. i've said before i wont deny that i wish he'd let himself be happy with me... and let me know that he is, but if he needs someone else, something else... then so be it. he deserves it.
my parents are downstairs talking about him. my father is pissed and thinks that he needs to get slapped around. my mother is saying that maybe they should send me to boston or back to ohio for a while. they think i cant hear them. they think i dont hear the whispers of the boys i choose and how they never really care about me. about how i should stop putting everything i have into relationships that are obviously never going to work out... but the thing is in my heart of hearts, i truly believe that we could be amazing.
it's up to him. either i mean something or i dont, but it really is his choice and i have to respect that. and i will. i just want him to be happy. so if he feels he wont be happy with me, so be it. it hurts. it hurts so bad i feel like my chest is full of lead and it's seeping through my pores. but he deserves to be happy. so let him be happy.
me? i'll figure it out on my own. It's not like i think he's the only man there for me in the whole world. I just think that given the chance... and with some honesty and a bit of concideration for each others feelings... we could be happy together.
the thing is... if he had just once shown that he cared for me as more than a friend, as a possible girlfriend, i would have trusted him. i would have left well enough alone. we all do things subconciously. My subconcious pushes things to breaking points, simply to see if he cares enough to stick around. I dont expect that he'll take my ultimatem. I dont expect that he'll stop and think to himself 'hey, she cares so much, and we really do have some fun times together. maybe, JUST FUCKING MAYBE if i told her i care enough about her to call her my girl, it would be that one little thing she needs to quell her fears, to show her that she can trust me... and maybe, yea, maybe i need her too, in a sense. I mean, i miss her, right? and she did always try to make me happy. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. i do care about her. and i do want to make her happy and i do want to call her my girl. and HOLY FUCKING SHIT, i feel bad that i hurt her. i want to give this a chance. i want to kiss her and flirt with her and be with her.'
i'm not stupid enough to think he'll really think any of those things... i'm just stupid enough to hope for it.
it's funny. I have never been a jealous girlfriend. and i am not jealous now. I am suspicious. the thing is... I do love him. and i know he doesnt love me. i know that. but i cant play the fuck buddy game anymore. if he wanted me to not be upset when he flirted, if he wanted me to trust him, if he wanted me to be less upset in general: all he had to do was say "she's my girl" because to me, that would be enough. it still would. to me, admiting it, saying you care, admiting to being in a relationship with me, telling other people he cares, THAT WOULD BE ENOUGH. he could never take me on a date, he could flirt with tracy all he fucking wants, he could go to the bar alone without me worrying (*which we have proof i did have reason to worry now, thank you.*) he could go to phil's for the weekend... because just by saying he cares enough to call me his girl- that's enough. that he's willing to make it public, to say he cares to more than just me, to say i'm worth something to him as more than a maid and a whore- that's enough. i'd be the happiest little girl on earth. and it would have solved problems from the start. because it would have said to me "you can trust me, because i'm not keeping that i care for you some secret."
sure, i've gotten upset with him. sure i've cried and yelled. not so often as he seems to think, and i honestly believe that i have only gotten upset if he has said or done something to hurt me. i can say "if he decides to give this a chance it wont happen anymore" but i'm not going to lie. there will still be times that we get upset with each other. the difference is, i wouldnt always be wondering when the other shoe was going to drop this time. because i would still be wearing both shoes. or be barefoot, whichever.
I love him. honestly. i get more upset with myself for getting upset with him, for showing him that i am upset, than i do with him for the things he does. I wont deny that when i say i want him to be happy, a part of me is thinking i want him to be happy *with me*. but a bigger part of me just wants him to be happy. be that with me or with amanda the whore (who wont make him happy but he can fool himself if he wants to. eventually he'll see how she really is and he'll find someone better) or whoever. he deserves to be happy.
the thing is, so do i. and if he chooses that i'm not worth a fighting chance, if he decides that he's through with me, that i'm too much, not enough, whatever, then that's ok. yes, i will cry for a few weeks. yes, i will dream about him, i will wake up feeling sick and having a hard time breathing, but i will move on. he knows even if he chooses amanda, even if he chooses to call this quits, that i'll be there if he needs me.
but it really is all or nothing this time. if he decides he wants to be with me, it's going to be WITH ME. none of this "until someone else i feel like making out with comes along" bullshit. no. this time, it's under my rules. they're really rather simple: You kiss me and only me. I get the title- because the title is the savior. the title says "i wont fuck around, because you're worth admiting i care for you openly." and i get the truth. None of this fucking bullshit. this lying, this withholding information, and then, when i get upset saying "i didnt want you to get upset" WELL GUESS WHAT YOU FUCKING MORON? IF YOU DIDNT DO THIS EVERY TIME I WOULDNT GET UPSET EVERY TIME. just be honest and upfront about what you feel and want. even if it pisses me off i'm so much less likely to 'fly off the handle' or get pissy about it if you just tell me from the start. that is all. really, it's not asking for that much. if he really does care, then saying he wont fuck or kiss other girls untill AFTER he breaks up with me shouldnt be such a big deal, and it should be even less hard to maintain. if he really does care, then saying "yes, i have a girl," or, "yes, she's my girlfriend/girl" shouldnt be so hard. if he cares, if he really wants this to work, then telling me upfront if there's a problem instead of waiting untill it's out of hand shouldnt be so hard.
so we'll see. I keep telling myself he wont call. i keep telling myself he's going to amanda's tonight and he's not even going to think of me. i keep telling myself that this will never work out, i keep telling myself it's not ment to be i keep telling myself to just let it go... but the thing is... i cant help but think that even if he has to keep his barriers up, even if he cant trust me fully, even if he keeps playing these games.... he wouldnt keep comming back, or letting me back in or however the situation goes... he wouldnt answer my calls, he wouldnt text me, he would have packed my shit up and had it sitting in his car this morning, he wouldnt have said what he said in his sleep, he wouldnt have said that he had to think it through, and he wouldnt have come home looking like he was about to cry after kissing amanda the whore, unless he really does care. if he didnt care, he would have pushed me away as he was falling asleep the night he told me, instead of pulling me close and whispering that he was sorry. if he didnt care, he wouldnt have made it a point to check on me after i puked from being so upset, if he didnt care he wouldnt listen to me over and over again, his eyes wouldnt turn green like they do when he's really concidering something or upset... if he didnt care, he would have done this a long time ago, and he would have been sober when he did it. or maybe i have all this backwards. maybe he doesnt care. maybe... maybe i love a boy who is incapable of loving in return. maybe
what kills me though, is that amanda lied to me. what kills me is that he knows how dirty and gross and slutty she is. what kills me is that when i went to dennys that night i told scrappy, "i trust him though. he wont do anything with her, no matter how hard she tries." and i was wrong. dead. fucking. wrong.
but the thing is, if he said he wanted me, if he said she wasnt worth the drama she brings (and she brings more than i do, especially if he were to just fucking say he wanted to be with me) if he said he knew what he did was wrong, if he said he cared about me and he wouldnt do it again... i would forgive him. because i love him. not because i'm some stupid little doormat. this is still all or nothing. but i do love him. i cant stop it, believe me, i would like nothing more than to hate him. but in the end... all i want is for him to be happy. i've said before i wont deny that i wish he'd let himself be happy with me... and let me know that he is, but if he needs someone else, something else... then so be it. he deserves it.
my parents are downstairs talking about him. my father is pissed and thinks that he needs to get slapped around. my mother is saying that maybe they should send me to boston or back to ohio for a while. they think i cant hear them. they think i dont hear the whispers of the boys i choose and how they never really care about me. about how i should stop putting everything i have into relationships that are obviously never going to work out... but the thing is in my heart of hearts, i truly believe that we could be amazing.
it's up to him. either i mean something or i dont, but it really is his choice and i have to respect that. and i will. i just want him to be happy. so if he feels he wont be happy with me, so be it. it hurts. it hurts so bad i feel like my chest is full of lead and it's seeping through my pores. but he deserves to be happy. so let him be happy.
me? i'll figure it out on my own. It's not like i think he's the only man there for me in the whole world. I just think that given the chance... and with some honesty and a bit of concideration for each others feelings... we could be happy together.