where the fuck is my romeo?
Doubt thou, that the stars are fire;
Doubt thou, that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
but never doubt that i love.
~shakespeare
I imagine that i will be tall and strong. I imagine that i wont let myself cry. I imagine that my voice will hold steady. I imagine [when he tells me he doesnt want me] that i will say, "it's ok, Justin. I never wanted to make you love me. i never wanted to make you do anything you didnt want to do. i wanted you to feel and care because it simply was, and i only ever wanted you to be happy. I'm only sorry i couldnt do that for you. but i hope you find it. I hope you find happiness. I love you, and no matter how much this hurts. and no matter that you said things after hurting me that hurt that much more, i still want you to be happy. and i will still be there if you need me."
I imagine i'll walk away and he'll watch my back as i close the door. i imagine that i wont let anyone see me cry. i imagine i'll pretend everything is ok. i imagine that we'll learn to be friends again. I imagine that i'll learn to look the other way when he's with some other girl. i imagine that i'll pretend it doesnt hurt. I imagine i will force myself to suck up my hurt and selfishness and pride and just be happy for him.
but then...
In my imagination, he'll miss me. in my imagination, he'll find himself thinking of me for no reason. In my imagination, he'll smile over the memory of wrestling with me, of me almost rolling his car into the street, of the way i look when i sleep. I imagine he'll realise how much i did for him, with him, because i simply cared. i imagine he'll miss the taste of my kiss, my skin, my touch, my smell. i imagine, somewhere along the line... a week? a month? two? he'll realise these things. I imagine that at some point we will be alone, just the two of us again. i imagine that it will be awkward at first. i imagine that he will kiss me anyway. i imagine that it will be filled with everything i've ever felt for him, and all the things he's felt for me. i imagine that he'll think or feel that kissing me- and only me, is enough. i imagine that we will take things slow. I imagine that we'll do it right this time. i imagine that when i finally do spend the night he'll still have the condom i left on his pillow tonight when i got my things and made his bed one last time. i imagine that it will feel like comming home. i imagine that this time, i will understand that he does show he cares, just not in the ways i'm used to looking for. i imagine that this time, i will know better, and i will keep my mouth shut if something upsets me. i imagine that this time, he will know that i'm not asking for forever. i imagine that this time he will know that it's better to break it off with me early, if i'm not making him happy. i imagine that this time, he wont see kissing the sluttiest girl he knows as the best way of telling me that. i imagine that he will understand that it's ok if it doesnt work out, as long as we both are honest with each other about the things that bother us, and the things that make us happy. i imagine that he will do all this because he wants to. i imagine that he will come to terms with it on his own.
but i rationalize that after i tell him it's ok he doesnt want me, and i'll still always love him, he'll be done with me. i rationalize that i wasnt good enough, and i cant change that. i rationalize that when he tells me he doesnt want me, he will ignore me, i rationalize that i have to give up. i rationalize that it will never happen. i rationalize that no matter how much i hurt over this, in the end it isnt his fault. i rationalize that in the end, i knew better. i rationalize that i'll get over it, even though i'll never stop loving him. i rationalize that if it's ment to be, it will, in it's own time, and there's nothing i can do about it in the mean time. i rationalize that it's time for me to fucking let go.
I hope, that in the future he'll be happy. i imagine bumping into him in some store, home for the holidays, visiting family. i imagine the flutter of my heart, the flip-flop of my stomach rushing back in that instant. i imagine just being happy things worked out for him. i imagine just being happy.
"your life is A Series Of Unfortunate Events, Sierra. just chalk up the people you choose to love who hurt you as the evil uncle... or all the people you care about who keep dying."
-Mike.
so true. so true.
You're free, justin.
they say if you love something, let it go.
so go.
I'll be here if you come back.
Doubt thou, that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
but never doubt that i love.
~shakespeare
I imagine that i will be tall and strong. I imagine that i wont let myself cry. I imagine that my voice will hold steady. I imagine [when he tells me he doesnt want me] that i will say, "it's ok, Justin. I never wanted to make you love me. i never wanted to make you do anything you didnt want to do. i wanted you to feel and care because it simply was, and i only ever wanted you to be happy. I'm only sorry i couldnt do that for you. but i hope you find it. I hope you find happiness. I love you, and no matter how much this hurts. and no matter that you said things after hurting me that hurt that much more, i still want you to be happy. and i will still be there if you need me."
I imagine i'll walk away and he'll watch my back as i close the door. i imagine that i wont let anyone see me cry. i imagine i'll pretend everything is ok. i imagine that we'll learn to be friends again. I imagine that i'll learn to look the other way when he's with some other girl. i imagine that i'll pretend it doesnt hurt. I imagine i will force myself to suck up my hurt and selfishness and pride and just be happy for him.
but then...
In my imagination, he'll miss me. in my imagination, he'll find himself thinking of me for no reason. In my imagination, he'll smile over the memory of wrestling with me, of me almost rolling his car into the street, of the way i look when i sleep. I imagine he'll realise how much i did for him, with him, because i simply cared. i imagine he'll miss the taste of my kiss, my skin, my touch, my smell. i imagine, somewhere along the line... a week? a month? two? he'll realise these things. I imagine that at some point we will be alone, just the two of us again. i imagine that it will be awkward at first. i imagine that he will kiss me anyway. i imagine that it will be filled with everything i've ever felt for him, and all the things he's felt for me. i imagine that he'll think or feel that kissing me- and only me, is enough. i imagine that we will take things slow. I imagine that we'll do it right this time. i imagine that when i finally do spend the night he'll still have the condom i left on his pillow tonight when i got my things and made his bed one last time. i imagine that it will feel like comming home. i imagine that this time, i will understand that he does show he cares, just not in the ways i'm used to looking for. i imagine that this time, i will know better, and i will keep my mouth shut if something upsets me. i imagine that this time, he will know that i'm not asking for forever. i imagine that this time he will know that it's better to break it off with me early, if i'm not making him happy. i imagine that this time, he wont see kissing the sluttiest girl he knows as the best way of telling me that. i imagine that he will understand that it's ok if it doesnt work out, as long as we both are honest with each other about the things that bother us, and the things that make us happy. i imagine that he will do all this because he wants to. i imagine that he will come to terms with it on his own.
but i rationalize that after i tell him it's ok he doesnt want me, and i'll still always love him, he'll be done with me. i rationalize that i wasnt good enough, and i cant change that. i rationalize that when he tells me he doesnt want me, he will ignore me, i rationalize that i have to give up. i rationalize that it will never happen. i rationalize that no matter how much i hurt over this, in the end it isnt his fault. i rationalize that in the end, i knew better. i rationalize that i'll get over it, even though i'll never stop loving him. i rationalize that if it's ment to be, it will, in it's own time, and there's nothing i can do about it in the mean time. i rationalize that it's time for me to fucking let go.
I hope, that in the future he'll be happy. i imagine bumping into him in some store, home for the holidays, visiting family. i imagine the flutter of my heart, the flip-flop of my stomach rushing back in that instant. i imagine just being happy things worked out for him. i imagine just being happy.
"your life is A Series Of Unfortunate Events, Sierra. just chalk up the people you choose to love who hurt you as the evil uncle... or all the people you care about who keep dying."
-Mike.
so true. so true.
You're free, justin.
they say if you love something, let it go.
so go.
I'll be here if you come back.