everything falls appart.
so i said actions speak louder than words. they do. and i cant keep playing these games anymore. i cant keep hoping that he'll come to his senses, i cant keep hoping that he'll realise that i'm not asking for much to change. just that he say out loud, "hey, i care enough about this girl that i'm not going to mess around with other girls." he doesnt. he proved that last night. he doesnt and i have thrown up seventeen times in fifteen hours. SEVENTEEN TIMES. i have had to leave the room at least twenty times, because i cant stop myself from crying. because i cant stop the pictures of him kissing her, FUCKING her out of my head. i cant stop him from doing it if he wants to. I wont even try. I said my piece. if he finds that he cares about me, if he finds he misses the little things i do, the faces i make, the way i taste when we kiss... then he'll call. but it's all or nothing this time. I deserve so much more than he's been giving. but i took it, i accepted that that was how he was because at the end of the night, he was still comming home to me. and because he wasnt messing around with anyone else, which made me special. that action, that ONE action, was the only one that kept me there. because it was the one that said "i care about you and how you feel." but he doesnt. he can have her.
she can have him. there's a part of me that wants to hate him so bad. but the thing is, i cant. All i've ever wanted for him was for him to be happy. all i've ever wanted was for him to be able to look me in the eye when he says he doesnt care about me like that, instead of glancing away like he's unsure. last night, in his sleep, when i crawled into bed, for lack of someplace else to sleep, he mumbled something about girls and fighting for like, thirty seconds before pulling me close and kissing me like he ment it and saying "i care about you so much, sierra. I really do. I'm so sorry. i didnt mean to hurt you." BUT YOU DID. and this is the third time you've said things like this in your sleep. why cant you say it when you're awake? why cant you just SUCK IT THE FUCK UP and act like a man and let go of that grip you have on your heart and just let it beat. I cant prove you love me. I cant. but you know what? these irrational actions of yours, the way you'll start falling into me and then pull back and do something to hurt me to prove to yourself that you dont care... that tells me you do care, deep down, and you're simply too callow (that means shallow and weak willed, by the way) to simply act like a man and see how amazing this could be.
you told troy that i have mood swings, or something like that. i only have mood swings when you do something to hurt me. let's look at it. I'm happy, things are going great, then a text from tracy comes, and you've done something you know would upset me a bit. not for the reason you think. not because i'm some jealous, psycho bitch, not because i dont trust you, but because withholding information is STILL lying. so now i have a reason not to trust you. then you lie about where you're going for a weekend instead of just saying you wanted the weekend to yourself to get away. why? because you think i'm going to freak out and think you're off fucking some other girl. well, if you'd told the truth, i wouldnt think that, first off. second, if you hadnt taken one of the condoms I PAID FOR to the last party at phil's house, i wouldnt have that thought in my head. if you would just give me a complement, SOMETHING to let me know that you care, that you think of me when i'm not around, that you think i'm pretty, SOMETHING, then i would have some self esteem and i might think that i have something good enough to keep you around a while longer, instead of always feeling like i'm only here as a hold over, a fucking security blanket for you untill you find something better... or is that all i've been?
why the fuck is it that you need to fuck more than one girl at a time? why? why the fuck am i not good enough? why is she better? is it because you know she's a god damned whore and the risk of disease is less of a warning factor than the possibility that she'll blow your mind? i mean, hey? i can list seven guys she's slept with in the past month and a half THAT SHE ADMITED TO WITH HER OWN MOUTH, so, asside from the fact that her cunt is probably as loose as a fucking trash bag, she's probably a dynamo in bed, right?
so, why, if you're my "friend" did you kiss her knowing you were comming home to me? when we had plans that night? and why, if you fucking 'care' would you keep stringing me along FOR FOUR MONTHS if you didnt feel something? your actions, up untill very recently have shown the oppisite of the words that come out of your mouth. why, if you're my 'friend' would you let it get this far? was there something about me? i do dishes, and laundry and i cook and i give amazing head, right? that's it? i'm worth keeping around because i'm like your french god damned maid, right? because i love you, and because i want nothing more than for you to be happy, so i stay when you ask. and i listen when you talk. and i cry when you're down, because i cant help. I HAVE NEVER BEEN ANYTHING BUT GOOD TO YOU. never. you can blame your fucking trust issues. you can blame karen, your parents, your life, whatever. FUCK YOU. it's none of that. what it comes down to is so simple:
you are a scared little fucking boy. you are. you are no closer to being a man than i am to being a walrus. you're so afraid of getting hurt. you're so into living each day as it comes and ignoring the future that you're missing out on all the good things. sure, you can live moment to moment. but what happens when this moment is over, and you're alone? what happens when people start catching on to the game you're playing? what happens when in all your need to not trust people, people lose their trust in you and you in turn lose everything?
you listen to garth brooks while you're sleeping. you can sing all the words to 'Standing outside the fire' by heart. but do you really, really listen to them? because that's all you're doing. you're just standing outside the fire. you're so afraid of getting burned again, that you're passing by what life is really made of. YES, i hurt right now, YES, i cant eat, YES, i cant sleep, YES, i'm crying my fucking eyes out as i type this. I'm sad, and i'm lonely, and i'm ornery and rejected and unloved and feeling worthless and wondering why i cant ever do anything right, but i DO NOT regret having tried with you. I DO NOT regret having pushed this until i've stretched so thin i'm a cell membrane, ready to break with the slightest touch. I DO NOT regret loving you. I do not regret letting you hurt me like this. I dont, because at least i know i'm alive. really alive and willing to take chances and jump in that fire and get burned and fight the flames and get hurt and cry and sob and scream and blister and pine- because at least i know i tried. because at least i have the balls to give it a chance.
you are not the first boy to hurt me, justin. and you wont be the last. it's true. you're simply the first boy i've loved. but at least i let myself love you, even when i was scared to. even when i knew it would end like this. at least i let myself love you, and at least i will never be able to say that i regret not trying. when i finally give this up, when i walk away and stop taking glances back, when the scabs on my back have healed and only the long, thin scars your fingernails left behind in one of those moments when i was enough for you, i will never have regrets. I will never be able to say that i didnt try. that i didnt give this 1,010 percent. that i was so much of a pussy that i gave up on you before you had the chance to break my heart,or to fall in love, simply so you couldnt hurt me. I will never say that i pushed you away because i was scared. I will never be able to say that i didnt give you everything i had and then some untill i was dry and empty and poor and bleeding and hurting and tender and still, simply happy that i could do anything for you.
what will you say? when you think of me... if you think of me? what will you think of when my name comes up? how you hurt me? how sad my eyes were when i walked out of the house that day? will you think of my crooked smile? will you miss it? will you miss the feel of my skin under your fingers? will i flash in your mind at work? will you smile to yourself, thinking of some silly story i told? of how my face turned purple when we wrestled? will you start to tell a story with me in it and then remember how much you hurt me? will you go to kiss some other girl, amanda or otherwise and see the hurt in my eyes inside your mind? will your dreams haunt you? the ones in which you told me you loved me, and said it out loud in your sleep (the ones i tried to pretend didnt happen)? will you just chalk me up as another girl, another worthless girl, who wasnt enough to let your walls down for?
I cant make you love me. i cant make you think of me, or want to be with me, and i especially cant make you miss me and care enough to call, or come see me, to make sure i'm ok, to say you care. i cant, and i dont expect it. i wish it, i want it. i've never wanted anything so much in my whole fucking life. but i cant make it be.
but i still believe, in my heart of hearts that you do love me. that while you're pretending you dont care, and while you're playing like the amanda thing means nothing to you, you do and it dose mean something. i honestly believe that you are the man i see hiding inside the boy. but i cant wait for you to grow up anymore. I am grown. and i deserve better than waiting around for you to come to your senses. to listen to your heart instead of your head for once. i cant and i wont wait around.
if you come to your senses, give me a call, we'll see what happens. but i'm not waiting around for you anymore, and next time, if there is one, it's all or nothing. either you're with me and only me, with no intentions of being with anyone else, and with the balls to let people know that i'm your girl, or we're nothing. friends who used to be lovers. a girl who used to love a boy, a boy who couldn't, or wouldn't love her back. nothing more. nothing less.
all or nothing, justin. i hope you choose all, I pray every night that you'll choose all, or that i'll stop hurting. i know you wont, i know i wont. and i get to learn all on my own how to let you go. either way, i hope you're happy. i hope you start thinking about your decisions before you make them and i hope upon hopes that you dont get hurt by amanda. or by any other girl.
i know i'll never be your chasing amy. I know you'll never think of me as the girl that got away. i doubt i'll be that girl for anyone. but in the end, at least i also know that i loved you.
not because you're perfect. because you are far from it....
but in spite of the fact that you're not.
she can have him. there's a part of me that wants to hate him so bad. but the thing is, i cant. All i've ever wanted for him was for him to be happy. all i've ever wanted was for him to be able to look me in the eye when he says he doesnt care about me like that, instead of glancing away like he's unsure. last night, in his sleep, when i crawled into bed, for lack of someplace else to sleep, he mumbled something about girls and fighting for like, thirty seconds before pulling me close and kissing me like he ment it and saying "i care about you so much, sierra. I really do. I'm so sorry. i didnt mean to hurt you." BUT YOU DID. and this is the third time you've said things like this in your sleep. why cant you say it when you're awake? why cant you just SUCK IT THE FUCK UP and act like a man and let go of that grip you have on your heart and just let it beat. I cant prove you love me. I cant. but you know what? these irrational actions of yours, the way you'll start falling into me and then pull back and do something to hurt me to prove to yourself that you dont care... that tells me you do care, deep down, and you're simply too callow (that means shallow and weak willed, by the way) to simply act like a man and see how amazing this could be.
you told troy that i have mood swings, or something like that. i only have mood swings when you do something to hurt me. let's look at it. I'm happy, things are going great, then a text from tracy comes, and you've done something you know would upset me a bit. not for the reason you think. not because i'm some jealous, psycho bitch, not because i dont trust you, but because withholding information is STILL lying. so now i have a reason not to trust you. then you lie about where you're going for a weekend instead of just saying you wanted the weekend to yourself to get away. why? because you think i'm going to freak out and think you're off fucking some other girl. well, if you'd told the truth, i wouldnt think that, first off. second, if you hadnt taken one of the condoms I PAID FOR to the last party at phil's house, i wouldnt have that thought in my head. if you would just give me a complement, SOMETHING to let me know that you care, that you think of me when i'm not around, that you think i'm pretty, SOMETHING, then i would have some self esteem and i might think that i have something good enough to keep you around a while longer, instead of always feeling like i'm only here as a hold over, a fucking security blanket for you untill you find something better... or is that all i've been?
why the fuck is it that you need to fuck more than one girl at a time? why? why the fuck am i not good enough? why is she better? is it because you know she's a god damned whore and the risk of disease is less of a warning factor than the possibility that she'll blow your mind? i mean, hey? i can list seven guys she's slept with in the past month and a half THAT SHE ADMITED TO WITH HER OWN MOUTH, so, asside from the fact that her cunt is probably as loose as a fucking trash bag, she's probably a dynamo in bed, right?
so, why, if you're my "friend" did you kiss her knowing you were comming home to me? when we had plans that night? and why, if you fucking 'care' would you keep stringing me along FOR FOUR MONTHS if you didnt feel something? your actions, up untill very recently have shown the oppisite of the words that come out of your mouth. why, if you're my 'friend' would you let it get this far? was there something about me? i do dishes, and laundry and i cook and i give amazing head, right? that's it? i'm worth keeping around because i'm like your french god damned maid, right? because i love you, and because i want nothing more than for you to be happy, so i stay when you ask. and i listen when you talk. and i cry when you're down, because i cant help. I HAVE NEVER BEEN ANYTHING BUT GOOD TO YOU. never. you can blame your fucking trust issues. you can blame karen, your parents, your life, whatever. FUCK YOU. it's none of that. what it comes down to is so simple:
you are a scared little fucking boy. you are. you are no closer to being a man than i am to being a walrus. you're so afraid of getting hurt. you're so into living each day as it comes and ignoring the future that you're missing out on all the good things. sure, you can live moment to moment. but what happens when this moment is over, and you're alone? what happens when people start catching on to the game you're playing? what happens when in all your need to not trust people, people lose their trust in you and you in turn lose everything?
you listen to garth brooks while you're sleeping. you can sing all the words to 'Standing outside the fire' by heart. but do you really, really listen to them? because that's all you're doing. you're just standing outside the fire. you're so afraid of getting burned again, that you're passing by what life is really made of. YES, i hurt right now, YES, i cant eat, YES, i cant sleep, YES, i'm crying my fucking eyes out as i type this. I'm sad, and i'm lonely, and i'm ornery and rejected and unloved and feeling worthless and wondering why i cant ever do anything right, but i DO NOT regret having tried with you. I DO NOT regret having pushed this until i've stretched so thin i'm a cell membrane, ready to break with the slightest touch. I DO NOT regret loving you. I do not regret letting you hurt me like this. I dont, because at least i know i'm alive. really alive and willing to take chances and jump in that fire and get burned and fight the flames and get hurt and cry and sob and scream and blister and pine- because at least i know i tried. because at least i have the balls to give it a chance.
you are not the first boy to hurt me, justin. and you wont be the last. it's true. you're simply the first boy i've loved. but at least i let myself love you, even when i was scared to. even when i knew it would end like this. at least i let myself love you, and at least i will never be able to say that i regret not trying. when i finally give this up, when i walk away and stop taking glances back, when the scabs on my back have healed and only the long, thin scars your fingernails left behind in one of those moments when i was enough for you, i will never have regrets. I will never be able to say that i didnt try. that i didnt give this 1,010 percent. that i was so much of a pussy that i gave up on you before you had the chance to break my heart,or to fall in love, simply so you couldnt hurt me. I will never say that i pushed you away because i was scared. I will never be able to say that i didnt give you everything i had and then some untill i was dry and empty and poor and bleeding and hurting and tender and still, simply happy that i could do anything for you.
what will you say? when you think of me... if you think of me? what will you think of when my name comes up? how you hurt me? how sad my eyes were when i walked out of the house that day? will you think of my crooked smile? will you miss it? will you miss the feel of my skin under your fingers? will i flash in your mind at work? will you smile to yourself, thinking of some silly story i told? of how my face turned purple when we wrestled? will you start to tell a story with me in it and then remember how much you hurt me? will you go to kiss some other girl, amanda or otherwise and see the hurt in my eyes inside your mind? will your dreams haunt you? the ones in which you told me you loved me, and said it out loud in your sleep (the ones i tried to pretend didnt happen)? will you just chalk me up as another girl, another worthless girl, who wasnt enough to let your walls down for?
I cant make you love me. i cant make you think of me, or want to be with me, and i especially cant make you miss me and care enough to call, or come see me, to make sure i'm ok, to say you care. i cant, and i dont expect it. i wish it, i want it. i've never wanted anything so much in my whole fucking life. but i cant make it be.
but i still believe, in my heart of hearts that you do love me. that while you're pretending you dont care, and while you're playing like the amanda thing means nothing to you, you do and it dose mean something. i honestly believe that you are the man i see hiding inside the boy. but i cant wait for you to grow up anymore. I am grown. and i deserve better than waiting around for you to come to your senses. to listen to your heart instead of your head for once. i cant and i wont wait around.
if you come to your senses, give me a call, we'll see what happens. but i'm not waiting around for you anymore, and next time, if there is one, it's all or nothing. either you're with me and only me, with no intentions of being with anyone else, and with the balls to let people know that i'm your girl, or we're nothing. friends who used to be lovers. a girl who used to love a boy, a boy who couldn't, or wouldn't love her back. nothing more. nothing less.
all or nothing, justin. i hope you choose all, I pray every night that you'll choose all, or that i'll stop hurting. i know you wont, i know i wont. and i get to learn all on my own how to let you go. either way, i hope you're happy. i hope you start thinking about your decisions before you make them and i hope upon hopes that you dont get hurt by amanda. or by any other girl.
i know i'll never be your chasing amy. I know you'll never think of me as the girl that got away. i doubt i'll be that girl for anyone. but in the end, at least i also know that i loved you.
not because you're perfect. because you are far from it....
but in spite of the fact that you're not.