"clench up, legolas."
SHAMELESSLY STOLEN FROM ROSIE, NO FUCKS GIVEN, TOO EMOTIONAL.
(ALSO, EVERYTHING REALLY DOES HURT, THIS GIF LIES.)
FUCKING JOSS WHEDON, GUYS.
THAT FUCKING FUCKER GQMF ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
FLAWLESS FILM, EXCEPT FOR ONE FLAW: THE FATAL FLAW, AS IT WERE. THE TRADEMARK JOSS WHEDON MOVE™. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU, SIR.
COULSON LIVES. THIS IS A THING NOW. I'M MAKING IT A THING. PUT IT FUCKING EVERYWHERE, PEOPLE. NICK FURY LIED BECAUSE HE IS A LYING LIAR FROM LIARSVILLE AND HE KNEW THE GANG NEEDED A PERSONAL REASON TO FIGHT (COULSON SAID SO HIMSELF), AND WE SAW NO BODY IN A CASKET. ALSO WE ALREADY KNOW HE LIED ABOUT THE CARDS AND SET THOSE UP TO PURPOSEFULLY TRIGGER STEVE.
MY THEORY: REMEMBER THE DELETED SCENE FROM THOR WHERE ERIK GETS HIT BY SHRAPNEL, AND THOR USES ONE OF VOLSTAGG'S HEALING STONES TO SAVE HIM? THAT. THEY USED ASGARDIAN SCIENCE/MAGIC TO HEAL COULSON, AND HE'S NOW DEEP UNDERCOVER IN PARAGUAY WITH HIS CELLIST GIRLFRIEND DOING A REALLY SUPER SEEKRIT MISSION FOR S.H.I.E.L.D.
THIS IS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED, DON'T EVEN TRY TO TELL ME OTHERWISE, OKAY?!??!?!? He'll make a surprise reappearance in the next Hulk film or something and Fury will be all unfazed by everyone's reactions and just be all, "Bitches, you know I lie like breathing. Why're you so fucking surprised?"
Also, Lizz and I have decided that Phil "His First Name is Agent" Coulson and Pepper are TOTES BFFs who talk all the time over lunch dates and nights at the opera (which Tony did not join them for because he was too busy working on the Mach 7). I am most likely going to be writing fic on this very soon. TO ACCOMPANY THE SCIENCE BROS FIC.
Because HOLY SHIT, STEALTH BROMANCE I DID NOT EXPECT. Tony and Bruce, Tony and Bruce, TONY FUCKING STARK AND BRUCE FUCKING BANNER. Ahhhhhh EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS OVER THEIR ORIGIN STORIES. And how fucking amazing is it to see TONY, the poster boy for self-destruction, trying to encourage a suicidal scientist to embrace both sides of himself? AH, MY BOY HAS GROWN SO MUCH OVER THE YEARS. *tears*
Joss, all of my anger at you aside, you really are a bloody goddamned genius, aren't you? I have never, in my whole life, given a single fuck about The Hulk. And maybe only half of one for Bruce Banner. But you and Mark Ruffalo have MADE ME A BELIEVER. WTF. I looooove Bruce now, and damn if The Hulk didn't have some of the best moments in the entire fucking film. SIDE-PUNCHING THOR. SWINGING LOKI ABOUT LIKE A BLEEDIN' RAG DOLL (the entire theatre was clapping and cheering so much I missed The Hulk's one line, dammit, what was it? Did he say "Puny human?" because ahhhhh. GUESS WHAT I'LL BE FOCUSING ON THE NEXT REWATCH?). But yeah, I have a whole bunch of Bruce Banner feels on my hands now and no idea what to do with them. The way he constantly referred to The Hulk as "The Other Guy", and the story about trying to kill himself (BABY D:), and he's "always angry", and him and Tony I just MAY NEVER RECOVER.
And HOW DID I SUDDENLY DEVELOP FEELS ABOUT BLACK WIDOW? WHAAAAAT? YOU MADE ME LIKE SCARJO. WHAT KIND OF WITCHCRAFT IS THIS? She was capable! Bad-ass! Contributed to the entire movie! Was definitely not just there as the cheesecake for the male gaze! The Russian interrogation scene! She closed the goddamned door! AND OMFG HER AND CLINT. I WENT IN SHIPPING IT, AND I CAME OUT BURNING FOR IT. HE CALLS HER TASHA. JOSS ACTUALLY GAVE THE SHIPPERS MATERIAL TO WORK WITH. AHHHHHHHHHH.
Hawkeye Hawkeye MOTHERFUCKING HAWKEYE. Guys. Guys. GUYS.
JEMMY LEE RENNER, I DO DECLARE. HOW DO YOU GET MORE AND MORE DELICIOUS EVERY SINGLE TIME I LOOK AT YOU??!?1 YOU'RE TRULY THE ENTIRE PACKAGE, YOU DO REALIZE THIS, RIGHT? The eyes, the voice, the ARMS GUH, the smiles, the bad-ass capability (it's a kink, not even sorry), the BACKWARDS SHOT ON THE ROOFTOP, that outfit, the E V E R Y T H I N G. Ughhhhh, I just need a full Hawkeye movie as soon as fucking possible. Black Widow can come, too, I ain't even picky. I was legitimately upset that it took half of the film to get him un-mindfucked so he could be a proper member of the team. WHY DID IT TAKE SO LONG, JOSS?!? WHYYYY.
Tom Hiddleston was clearly having just a wee bit too much fun. "ROCK OF AGES", guys. Dear God. But his smiiiles, and that scene with Black Widow, and the way he just sat there on the cliff watching the Thor/Iron Man/Cap smackdown like a kid with a bucket of popcorn. (LOLOLOL WHEN THOR SAID, "LISTEN TO ME, BROTHER." AND THEN WAS IMMEDIATELY TACKLED BY TONY AND LOKI'S JUST ALL, "I DIDN'T QUITE CATCH THAT." THESE SASSY FUCKING BITCHES, DEAR GOD.)
Gotta say, it was brilliant having that "You were made to be ruled" scene set in Germany. When the older guy stood up and said his piece, I clapped. And then STEVE. STEVE WHO STILL FEELS LIKE THE WAR IS GOING ON, AND HE'S IN GERMANY DEFENDING THE LITTLE MAN AND OPPOSING TYRANNY. THAT'S MAH BOY.
Chris Evans really is perfect as Steve. Loved how while Tony was using Jarvis to hack the S.H.I.E.L.D mainframe, Steve's just breaking open doors and exploring like one of the Hardy Boys. BEBE. And the constant shouting between him and Tony, BE STILL MY QUIVERING FANGIRL HEART. So glad to see the beginnings of the epic bromance. Also how he kept insisting that Tony put on the suit -- because he knows he would destroy Tony otherwise, and wants to sincerely give him a fair shot of besting him in a fight, BLESS. Being a bad-ass leader and getting ERRYBODY to listen to him (that scene with the cops, tho; and ENVER, I SAW YOU, BB) and doing a marvelous job at it. And his shield >>> Thor's hammer, BRILLS. In the next Avengers flick I want to see him picking up Mjolnir, because THAT IS FUCKING CANON. Steve Rogers is a man worthy of the power of Thor, and I want to fucking see that acknowledged in the movieverse.
AND HE GOT THE FLYING MONKEY REFERENCE, OH SWEETIE.
THOR. Eloquent as always, still totally loves his brother, still wonderfully defensive of Earth and his Midgardian friends. WHEN HE WAS DESCRIBING THE ANIMAL, LOL. I just want a Thor Comedy Hour, tbh. Him being a huge doofus all day, erry day.
Plus: "He's my brother." "He's killed 80 people in under two days." "...He's adopted." (ENTIRE THEATRE DIED, RIGHTLY SO.)
Of course, this ridiculously over-the-top post would not be complete without my NEVER ENDING TONY STARK FEELS. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ANTHONY HOWARD STARK, HOW FUCKING DARE YOU EXIST AND BE ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Tony and Pepper, Tony and Phil, Tony and Jarvis, Tony and EVERY-FUCKING-BODY. The quips (SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK. CLENCH UP, LEGOLAS). Constantly calling Steve an old man. Being a self-sacrificing asshole at the end, calling Pepper (and not having her hear the phone or pick up made it EVEN MORE FUCKING POIGNANT, OH GOD). How much did Tony remind you of Jim Kirk in this? NEITHER OF THEM BELIEVE IN NO WIN SCENARIOS, PEOPLE. They'd be the best drinking buddies ever, basically.
But really. Dear God in heaven. This movie was everything and more. It was hilarious and emotional and the climactic action sequences were done impossibly well, oh God, thank you so much, Joss, for that and EVERYONE GOT TO SHINE. Nobody on the team felt like dead weight! SHOCKED AND DELIGHTED. And it sincerely took all of their efforts together to save the day. ME GUSTA VERY MUCH. (And LOLOLOL to Loki having a muzzle on in that last scene. YOUR SILVER TONGUE HAS BEEN VANQUISHED, BRB LOLING FOREVER.)
Side note: THAT WAS ALEXIS DENISOF? Way to make him entirely unrecognizable! I'm legit saddened by this. And GALACTUS. See, this is why X-Men need to become an official part of Marvel Studios. FOREVER BITTER, TBH.
I know I'm forgetting stuff to scream about, but no doubt I'll make another post once I've seen it again. I told myself that I was only going to see it once, to be financially prudent, but FUCK THAT NOISE, I HAVE TO SEE THIS AGAIN ASAP. Maybe Sunday? AHHHHH.