DISCOVERY!!
i'm discovering some stuff that i think i already knew about myself subconsciously in this move to northern california...i don't really care about what i do for money, i'd just like it to be as painless and as stress free as possible...if there is a job out there that involves a cubicle and deadlines and paper work and analyzing and phone calls and filing and fluorescent lighting, count me out of it...if there is a job that involves helping and serving people on a one to one basis, perhaps for their most basic of needs as food and drink, i'm in! i love it!! i love serving people, as bitchy as they can be, is there really anything better? hmmm...maybe so, and maybe i already know that i would like to do that for them...massage. i would LOVE to massage people and relax them!! that would be sooo awesome!! i know that i love to relax people and make them feel comforted, and i know that there's no more of a better way of doing that for them than touching them. i AM a healer!! i've been told before!! i have a magic touch, something i can DO for people!! it's true, it's something that gives me purpose, something i have that i want to share with others and make the world a better place!! isn't that what joining the work force is all about?!? i just have to find out what that is!! i LOVE to sing to them, i LOVE to make them jump and dance!! i LOVE LOVE LOVE it!! i want to share the joy that i have for these things with THEM!! how to do it, how to do it??? i'd like to feel i could do it ANYWHERE!! i'd like to think i could do it in ANYTHING!! be it yogurt server, masseuse, singer/songwriter, WHATEVER the fuck??? does it matter?! does it FUCKIN REALLY??? or is it just another fuckin EGO pose?? tell me, TELL ME!! THE FUCK DO I NEED MONEY FOR??? THE ONLY THING I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MAKING MONEY FOR IS SOME DECENT EQUIPMENT TO RECORD ON!!! but my friend devon has taken care of that so far, but i can't stay in LA for just that reason, so fuck it, i'll either find someone else who can do the same for me or somehow make enough to take care of that bullshit...possessions, things, whatever the FUCK!!! makes me feel soooo good just to fuckin be ALIVE and not give a SHIT!!! so maybe i thought the only way it was possible to feel that way in a free world where i was out on my own supporting myself was to smoke weed on a daily basis, so maybe i was WRONG!! WHATEVER!! pain led me to the truth once again, and i HAVE to be grateful!! if "growing up" is about worrying about money and things i have to buy, FUCK OFF!! what is it i'm trying to do then if not worry about those things...working less? a job in the music industry isn't a solution to that, the FUCK was i THINKING?? being in the music industry is just learning about how to talk to people...and the FUCK do i want out of that god damn industry anyways??? NOW i just want to play raves!! northern california is a much DOPER place to do that shit, and i'm sure all of the fuckin dj's out there are broke as a joke livin the way i do too, so fuckin WHAT!!! get away from me you government fed consumer minded sheep, you have NOTHING TO SAY TO ME!!! NOTHINNNNNGGGGG!!!