sadness...
how could it have gotten to this point? i already know and i don't want to point any fingers, i understand myself at the same time that i'm not sure what to do about it...being confused is one of the worst conditions anyone should have to face. i think we all face it to our own degrees but i think that i may face it to a greater degree in my own way.
it's hard to really say what the problem is, my smoking too much, my thinking too much, my inability to read my emotions...whatever it is i feel that it's escalating to a point that i'm about to kill myself, if i'm not already. my life in music i feel is a failure in many ways, my life in love i feel is a failure in many ways, my emotional stability is too, as is my mental state.
i'm glad to be moving at the same time i don't know what to expect or if anything will really be better just because i'm in a different city. it seems as though my choices are what is once again going to make a positive change in my life...it seems unfortunate that the outcome of my life weighs on decisions when i'm so bad at them...i'd like to say that i do know what the right ones are and i'm just not making them, but i wouldn't want to lie to myself.
they always seem to be the right ones at the time, or at least something worth experimenting with to see if my definition of right is really true or not. seems as though maybe there are no true "rights" and "wrongs" in this world, only the way you choose to look at it. but sometimes i wish i could at least know myself a little better to see which way i did want to look at it.
i'm not joking when i say i'm a really confused person, i don't know why i wasn't aware of how confused i really was before now...everything seems so simple and yet it's so complex at the same time, i don't understand this. there are things in this world that seem right and feel good at the time, and i have the urge and the desire to do them constantly and yet they end up hurting me terribly in the end, i don't know why this should be either.
there are things that seem easier to do and indeed are, but they end up being the things that hold me back the most. i am afraid, i am very afraid, and i hate being afraid...i hate feeling lots of things, and so i cut myself off from my emotions in order to not feel them. i am aware of this. whether i cut them off with my mind or thru smoking and just general apathy doesn't really seem to matter, and which one is going to kill me first i'm not certain of either.
my body seems to be more sensitive than others, at least that's what my mom tells me...my system is more "pure" and it means that it can't take a lot of "impure" substances. she made a lot of mistakes with drugs and maybe she's just trying to prevent me from doing the same. growing up around her and my godfather has made me feel very guilty for being young in many ways and sometimes i curse my youth, hoping to suffer and die faster so that i can share their pain with them.
stories of my father's illnesses and what killed him have made me very sad and self conscious as well, i feel that i might die of the same conditions that he was in, both mental and physical. perhaps i am no exception to the world's ailments and they are affecting me just as much. i try to be the exception but maybe this is part of what is making me suffer, i have to admit i am not perfect and cutting myself off from my emotions is not making me a stronger person, not only my body, but my soul is dying from it.
if anything terrible happens to me in the near future, i will be able to pass onto a younger person that it was not the actions or decisions or even the substances that i consumed that put me in my condition, but my mental and emotional states that have led to my downfall. i hate feeling like i'm suffering from a terminal illness when perhaps i'm just being a tad bit dramatic in order to save myself from what i feel is wrong for me, but if i haven't listened before, i'd like to now.
the yogurt shop is definitely fucking getting to me with it's health obsessive attitude, people coming in everyday asking how many calories, how many carbs, how much sugar is in every fucking crumb that they put down their esophagus does not help my already obsessive compulsive mindstate about my health, i'm glad i'm leaving, though it won't really feel real until i'm in the uhaul on my way to northern california.
i feel i have learned many things from la, and no matter what is happening to my body, i'm glad that my soul has gained so much information from what i've experienced. i'm not entirely sure what to do with the information except for stopping my drug habit and paying attention to my sugar intake, but i know that i have not felt this unhealthy in my lifetime ever before, in everyway possible. my mom really helped take care of my health like only the best mother could, and i thank her internally everyday for that. god help me that i can save myself now and that i will know what to do next...i need to schedule a doctor appointment asap.
it's hard to really say what the problem is, my smoking too much, my thinking too much, my inability to read my emotions...whatever it is i feel that it's escalating to a point that i'm about to kill myself, if i'm not already. my life in music i feel is a failure in many ways, my life in love i feel is a failure in many ways, my emotional stability is too, as is my mental state.
i'm glad to be moving at the same time i don't know what to expect or if anything will really be better just because i'm in a different city. it seems as though my choices are what is once again going to make a positive change in my life...it seems unfortunate that the outcome of my life weighs on decisions when i'm so bad at them...i'd like to say that i do know what the right ones are and i'm just not making them, but i wouldn't want to lie to myself.
they always seem to be the right ones at the time, or at least something worth experimenting with to see if my definition of right is really true or not. seems as though maybe there are no true "rights" and "wrongs" in this world, only the way you choose to look at it. but sometimes i wish i could at least know myself a little better to see which way i did want to look at it.
i'm not joking when i say i'm a really confused person, i don't know why i wasn't aware of how confused i really was before now...everything seems so simple and yet it's so complex at the same time, i don't understand this. there are things in this world that seem right and feel good at the time, and i have the urge and the desire to do them constantly and yet they end up hurting me terribly in the end, i don't know why this should be either.
there are things that seem easier to do and indeed are, but they end up being the things that hold me back the most. i am afraid, i am very afraid, and i hate being afraid...i hate feeling lots of things, and so i cut myself off from my emotions in order to not feel them. i am aware of this. whether i cut them off with my mind or thru smoking and just general apathy doesn't really seem to matter, and which one is going to kill me first i'm not certain of either.
my body seems to be more sensitive than others, at least that's what my mom tells me...my system is more "pure" and it means that it can't take a lot of "impure" substances. she made a lot of mistakes with drugs and maybe she's just trying to prevent me from doing the same. growing up around her and my godfather has made me feel very guilty for being young in many ways and sometimes i curse my youth, hoping to suffer and die faster so that i can share their pain with them.
stories of my father's illnesses and what killed him have made me very sad and self conscious as well, i feel that i might die of the same conditions that he was in, both mental and physical. perhaps i am no exception to the world's ailments and they are affecting me just as much. i try to be the exception but maybe this is part of what is making me suffer, i have to admit i am not perfect and cutting myself off from my emotions is not making me a stronger person, not only my body, but my soul is dying from it.
if anything terrible happens to me in the near future, i will be able to pass onto a younger person that it was not the actions or decisions or even the substances that i consumed that put me in my condition, but my mental and emotional states that have led to my downfall. i hate feeling like i'm suffering from a terminal illness when perhaps i'm just being a tad bit dramatic in order to save myself from what i feel is wrong for me, but if i haven't listened before, i'd like to now.
the yogurt shop is definitely fucking getting to me with it's health obsessive attitude, people coming in everyday asking how many calories, how many carbs, how much sugar is in every fucking crumb that they put down their esophagus does not help my already obsessive compulsive mindstate about my health, i'm glad i'm leaving, though it won't really feel real until i'm in the uhaul on my way to northern california.
i feel i have learned many things from la, and no matter what is happening to my body, i'm glad that my soul has gained so much information from what i've experienced. i'm not entirely sure what to do with the information except for stopping my drug habit and paying attention to my sugar intake, but i know that i have not felt this unhealthy in my lifetime ever before, in everyway possible. my mom really helped take care of my health like only the best mother could, and i thank her internally everyday for that. god help me that i can save myself now and that i will know what to do next...i need to schedule a doctor appointment asap.