(no subject)
I've been telling myself I wouldn't do it. That I wouldn't get a crush or any of that b.s. But, load me up with some alcohol and I'll spend the next week obsessing about some guy who only gave me an innocent hug and only because I was shit-faced and only because I told him he was my soul-mate in a fit of musical and girl to guy orgasm-ratio connections...
I feel so vulnerable about it. So ashamed, in a way. And I don't know who I'm ashamed the most in front of--him or myself. I can't look at him or talk to him. I can't pretend that I didn't say what I said (or feel what I felt). But, I sit here alone in my apartment wishing he'd call out of nowhere and want to hang out. Wishing he'd break the ice and let me know that I'm not a lame-ass drunk girl. But, I'm ashamed of myself... ashamed that I became her. I don't want to disappoint him even though I've already disappointed myself.
But, maybe he's afraid of putting his heart out there on the off-chance that some broken-hearted girl who had a few drinks was rambling about anything true in between conversations about fat guys' dick sizes and anal vibrators. But, then again, maybe I really am just lame.
Like I've said a thousand times before, I've been watching a lot of Sex and the City. And I continually identify with Charlotte--the brunette who is so obsessed about romance and soul mates and all that jazz that she can't allow herself to be with someone without any real connection. In a way, it's been sort of a release to know that I shouldn't force myself to be Samantha if I'm really a Charlotte; but, it's also been frustrating at this time in my life. I have sat here for nearly two months (...wow... brief pause here... I didn't realize it had been that long... this is the longest I have been single and not in pursuit since high school) since I've sailed away on my journey toward fun love once more. But, a part of me is still hesitant. I don't want to get in too deep; but, I know myself. I cannot give myself over without expecting the same in return. I don't think I can be a casual date/hook-up, because, ultimately, my heart is wired like Charlotte.
I can say that I'm not ready for a relationship and I can pretend that I just want to be friends, but what it really boils down to is that I'm not ready for a relationship with the wrong person. I want to be happy and to have something that makes me smile when I wake up in the morning. I just don't want to forfeit my life to someone.
Is it too much to ask to want someone to dedicate himself to you without necessarily being a "couple"?... without marketing your feelings on Facebook or celebrating anniversaries, but still relying on each other and being there for each other and going out together once or twice a week? Being the go-to person for each other when going places? Carrie Bradshaw's "plus one"? Is this some kind of happy medium that is really possible? And, if so, is it something that I could truly be happy living?
I don't know. I'd like to think that I wouldn't have these feelings and wishes if they weren't possible... but I don't want to set myself up to get my heart broken... or worse, yet, to be the heart-breaker.
All week I have waited for the party tomorrow night. I only hope that it doesn't disappoint me as much as I fear it will...
I feel so vulnerable about it. So ashamed, in a way. And I don't know who I'm ashamed the most in front of--him or myself. I can't look at him or talk to him. I can't pretend that I didn't say what I said (or feel what I felt). But, I sit here alone in my apartment wishing he'd call out of nowhere and want to hang out. Wishing he'd break the ice and let me know that I'm not a lame-ass drunk girl. But, I'm ashamed of myself... ashamed that I became her. I don't want to disappoint him even though I've already disappointed myself.
But, maybe he's afraid of putting his heart out there on the off-chance that some broken-hearted girl who had a few drinks was rambling about anything true in between conversations about fat guys' dick sizes and anal vibrators. But, then again, maybe I really am just lame.
Like I've said a thousand times before, I've been watching a lot of Sex and the City. And I continually identify with Charlotte--the brunette who is so obsessed about romance and soul mates and all that jazz that she can't allow herself to be with someone without any real connection. In a way, it's been sort of a release to know that I shouldn't force myself to be Samantha if I'm really a Charlotte; but, it's also been frustrating at this time in my life. I have sat here for nearly two months (...wow... brief pause here... I didn't realize it had been that long... this is the longest I have been single and not in pursuit since high school) since I've sailed away on my journey toward fun love once more. But, a part of me is still hesitant. I don't want to get in too deep; but, I know myself. I cannot give myself over without expecting the same in return. I don't think I can be a casual date/hook-up, because, ultimately, my heart is wired like Charlotte.
I can say that I'm not ready for a relationship and I can pretend that I just want to be friends, but what it really boils down to is that I'm not ready for a relationship with the wrong person. I want to be happy and to have something that makes me smile when I wake up in the morning. I just don't want to forfeit my life to someone.
Is it too much to ask to want someone to dedicate himself to you without necessarily being a "couple"?... without marketing your feelings on Facebook or celebrating anniversaries, but still relying on each other and being there for each other and going out together once or twice a week? Being the go-to person for each other when going places? Carrie Bradshaw's "plus one"? Is this some kind of happy medium that is really possible? And, if so, is it something that I could truly be happy living?
I don't know. I'd like to think that I wouldn't have these feelings and wishes if they weren't possible... but I don't want to set myself up to get my heart broken... or worse, yet, to be the heart-breaker.
All week I have waited for the party tomorrow night. I only hope that it doesn't disappoint me as much as I fear it will...