(no subject)
You learn a lot about yourself when you spend time with other people. Tonight I learned quite a few. Good things first: I don't talk about myself a whole lot... even when I have plenty of reason to do so. I think I listen pretty well... and am truly interested.
But, I noticed something strange... something that doesn't come through when you aren't seeing your life choices in comparison to someone else's. I'm not ready to attach myself emotionally or physically to someone. I want companionship, short-term "hellos" instead of long-term "get-to-knows." I want someone to waste time with, someone who has something to say, someone who wants to do something. Not necessarily someone who is truly interested in my life or who is trying to develop something long-lasting. In a way, I want a series of one-night stands... just without the sex. A series of first dates perhaps would be a better allusion. But, not just in a romantic sense, in a friendship sense as well. I am perfectly content with the friends I have. True, my great ones don't live around me, but they don't need to. I don't need to go to sleep in their bed every night and have breakfast at their kitchen table everyday to know that they're going to be there tomorrow.
I just want to have my own life. I want to have the freedom to come and go as I please without having to feel guilty or obligated toward someone else. I want to hang out when I want to hang out; I don't want everyday to be a party or to feel like I somehow have to go out all the time in order to be happy. Because, I don't care what the world may think... if I go all week doing nothing but working and spending time with myself, I am perfectly happy. I am ecstatic. I don't need to feel like my life is moving forward. I don't need to feel the walls crushing in on me and telling me that I somehow have to "go out there" and work at finding my soul mate before he's gone. I don't want to. If and when it happens, it'll happen the way I want it to. Spontaneously and naturally. It won't be me going to random bars with random acquaintances who I barely know or like and forcing myself to have conversations with people I don't want to talk to. It'll be me being me. I don't know how or when... but that's how it's going to happen. And in the meantime, if I only spend time with friends once or twice a week, then I am going to go on loving my life.
I'm the happiest I have been in an incredibly long time and ^^this^^ is why. I came to this realization this evening when I saw myself in the mirror of a friend's judgments.
But, I noticed something strange... something that doesn't come through when you aren't seeing your life choices in comparison to someone else's. I'm not ready to attach myself emotionally or physically to someone. I want companionship, short-term "hellos" instead of long-term "get-to-knows." I want someone to waste time with, someone who has something to say, someone who wants to do something. Not necessarily someone who is truly interested in my life or who is trying to develop something long-lasting. In a way, I want a series of one-night stands... just without the sex. A series of first dates perhaps would be a better allusion. But, not just in a romantic sense, in a friendship sense as well. I am perfectly content with the friends I have. True, my great ones don't live around me, but they don't need to. I don't need to go to sleep in their bed every night and have breakfast at their kitchen table everyday to know that they're going to be there tomorrow.
I just want to have my own life. I want to have the freedom to come and go as I please without having to feel guilty or obligated toward someone else. I want to hang out when I want to hang out; I don't want everyday to be a party or to feel like I somehow have to go out all the time in order to be happy. Because, I don't care what the world may think... if I go all week doing nothing but working and spending time with myself, I am perfectly happy. I am ecstatic. I don't need to feel like my life is moving forward. I don't need to feel the walls crushing in on me and telling me that I somehow have to "go out there" and work at finding my soul mate before he's gone. I don't want to. If and when it happens, it'll happen the way I want it to. Spontaneously and naturally. It won't be me going to random bars with random acquaintances who I barely know or like and forcing myself to have conversations with people I don't want to talk to. It'll be me being me. I don't know how or when... but that's how it's going to happen. And in the meantime, if I only spend time with friends once or twice a week, then I am going to go on loving my life.
I'm the happiest I have been in an incredibly long time and ^^this^^ is why. I came to this realization this evening when I saw myself in the mirror of a friend's judgments.