(no subject)
When I got saved nine years ago, I experienced a very emotional awakening. An intense awareness of all my sins, all my flaws, all my weaknesses flooded to my consciousness as I stood face-to-face with the Eternal. At that moment, I felt like the lowest scum of the earth. I felt like everything I had ever done or thought had been wrong, had been driven by evil.
Recently, I have had small hints of that same feeling. Instead of gushing in on angels' wings, though, it has been self-inflicted. Rather than seeing myself in the eyes of Heavenly perfection, I am merely viewing myself in the mirror of my friends' judgments.
While I'm not so insecure as to suggest that everyone who hangs out with me does so out of mere pity... or to fuel a conversation at another dinner table on another day... I still am able to pick up on subtle hints of things they say and do that the person they see isn't the complete me. I see myself in their eyes, like I did during my religious awakening, and I can't help but feel like a horrible disappointment. I see every wrong thing I said, every bad idea I had, every line I crossed... everything.
And though I'm not currently standing in front of a room full of pews, I still want to weep. I want to curl up on the bottom of the shower with the water beating on my back and feel it drain down along my sides while my tears get lost in the flow. I want to throw myself at the feet of something greater. I want that feeling of forgiveness that occasionally the universe has sent my way. I want these chains that are squeezing my heart to let go and let me beat freely again.
I want to wake up in the morning with a smile on my face that, even by mid-afternoon, I can't explain.
I want to know that these people I love truly love me back.
Recently, I have had small hints of that same feeling. Instead of gushing in on angels' wings, though, it has been self-inflicted. Rather than seeing myself in the eyes of Heavenly perfection, I am merely viewing myself in the mirror of my friends' judgments.
While I'm not so insecure as to suggest that everyone who hangs out with me does so out of mere pity... or to fuel a conversation at another dinner table on another day... I still am able to pick up on subtle hints of things they say and do that the person they see isn't the complete me. I see myself in their eyes, like I did during my religious awakening, and I can't help but feel like a horrible disappointment. I see every wrong thing I said, every bad idea I had, every line I crossed... everything.
And though I'm not currently standing in front of a room full of pews, I still want to weep. I want to curl up on the bottom of the shower with the water beating on my back and feel it drain down along my sides while my tears get lost in the flow. I want to throw myself at the feet of something greater. I want that feeling of forgiveness that occasionally the universe has sent my way. I want these chains that are squeezing my heart to let go and let me beat freely again.
I want to wake up in the morning with a smile on my face that, even by mid-afternoon, I can't explain.
I want to know that these people I love truly love me back.