Oy. (Or: A rant about college, life, and the fabric of the universe.)
Okay, not so much the universe part. But there may be fabric involved.
Short version: I am so sick and fucking tired of school it's not even funny. Seriously. It's horrible. And I hate hate hate the feeling. I loved school all my life, loved learning, had no major qualms with homework, was able to easily motivate myself to do my work, didn't procrastinate as badly, and so on. But now? There have been a few days where I couldn't muster up the will to do my work to save my life. And the other days, it takes fear of a bad grade or letting down my teammates to get my ass in gear.
This is what you call Senioritis. I thought I had senioritis in my senior year of high school, but now I realize that wasn't it. Senioritis is being sick of the homework and tests and reading and all of that. I wasn't sick of that in high school, I was only sick of the school itself, with the asshole of a principal, painfully immature students, and a general atmosphere that just made me unhappy. The schoolwork was fine, which is why I managed to stick with it and graduate with straight A's. And that's why I thought I would be able to power through any senioritis I had in college.
Nope. This time it's the exact opposite. I enjoy the school (still don't feel like I totally fit in but it's not half bad) and the atmosphere, and I enjoy the thought-provoking lectures, but the thought of another homework assignment or midterm or term paper makes me want jump off the Coronado bridge. More and more I find myself skipping a class (as I did this morning, oy), skipping an assignment or turning it in late, or doing something enjoyable like sewing instead of doing homework. My procrastination has gotten to an extreme I didn't think was possible for me.
I thought the break over summer would ease my pain and get me back nice and fresh for the start of fall semester, but it didn't help a bit. Now the thought of one more semester, with only a few weeks for winter break makes me want to curl up in a little ball and hide. And then what? I literally can't bear the though of graduate school, but I don't know what to do with myself after I graduate. The job market's still gonna suck, and with my limited experience my prospects are even worse. I'll probably end up with a job at JoAnn's, or the grocery store, or Target or a bookstore or something like that, at least for a while. I can live at home as long as I want, but that's not the most appealing prospect in the world. I've considered moving up to LA where lady_s and many of my other friends live, and possibly moonlighting as a cosplay seamstress just because I love sewing so much. (See? Fabric.) Part of me has thought about moving to the Bay Area, cuz I'm not entirely joking when I tell rabidpotato I want to live in her garage and play with her dog all day.
Realistically I know grad school would be the best course of action, at least in terms of improving my prospects for the future and keeping me sheltered in school for a couple more years and hopefully the economy will be better when I'm done. If I did get a master's, it would probably be in women's studies which I'm studying now. I wouldn't want to get that anywhere but my current school, because San Diego State was the first school in the country to offer a women's studies degree, and it's an excellent program. But that's exactly the program which I'm so tired of now! Women's studies is basically tons of reading and writing and reading and reading. So ugh. The other option is a professional writing program. My school offers a professional writing "certificate" and I don't know how different that is from a master's degree, or how impressive it would be on a resume. Then there's something called a low-residency MFA creative writing degree. Which basically means, you go to a university campus and two two intense weeks of lessons, and then you go back home and do all your writing on your own, and communicate with your teachers and classmates and get feedback by emailing your stories back and forth. Which does sound rather appealing, until you get to the fact that the only ones I can find are at very expensive private schools. Fantastic. And the MFA program at my school? Three years full time, with lots of reading and analyzing of literature, which (crazy, I know) I don't like doing.
And none of that takes into account the fact that my head might explode if I have to go into grad school immediately after graduating, or even a semester after. Cuz if one summer wasn't enough to fix my senioritis, I don't think a summer plus a semester between graduating and grad school would do it.
And then, just to top it all off, I haven't written AT ALL in three months, and haven't written anything really serious or challenging in a lot longer. And I don't know how much of it is guilt for that and how much is withdrawl or wanting to get back to it or feeling like I can't get started again or what, but it just makes the whole situation that much worse. Cuz I love writing. And I miss it. And if I stopped loving it or doing it permanently, well... that would just make me sad. :-(
Oy. Just oy. **bangs head on keyboard**
Short version: I am so sick and fucking tired of school it's not even funny. Seriously. It's horrible. And I hate hate hate the feeling. I loved school all my life, loved learning, had no major qualms with homework, was able to easily motivate myself to do my work, didn't procrastinate as badly, and so on. But now? There have been a few days where I couldn't muster up the will to do my work to save my life. And the other days, it takes fear of a bad grade or letting down my teammates to get my ass in gear.
This is what you call Senioritis. I thought I had senioritis in my senior year of high school, but now I realize that wasn't it. Senioritis is being sick of the homework and tests and reading and all of that. I wasn't sick of that in high school, I was only sick of the school itself, with the asshole of a principal, painfully immature students, and a general atmosphere that just made me unhappy. The schoolwork was fine, which is why I managed to stick with it and graduate with straight A's. And that's why I thought I would be able to power through any senioritis I had in college.
Nope. This time it's the exact opposite. I enjoy the school (still don't feel like I totally fit in but it's not half bad) and the atmosphere, and I enjoy the thought-provoking lectures, but the thought of another homework assignment or midterm or term paper makes me want jump off the Coronado bridge. More and more I find myself skipping a class (as I did this morning, oy), skipping an assignment or turning it in late, or doing something enjoyable like sewing instead of doing homework. My procrastination has gotten to an extreme I didn't think was possible for me.
I thought the break over summer would ease my pain and get me back nice and fresh for the start of fall semester, but it didn't help a bit. Now the thought of one more semester, with only a few weeks for winter break makes me want to curl up in a little ball and hide. And then what? I literally can't bear the though of graduate school, but I don't know what to do with myself after I graduate. The job market's still gonna suck, and with my limited experience my prospects are even worse. I'll probably end up with a job at JoAnn's, or the grocery store, or Target or a bookstore or something like that, at least for a while. I can live at home as long as I want, but that's not the most appealing prospect in the world. I've considered moving up to LA where lady_s and many of my other friends live, and possibly moonlighting as a cosplay seamstress just because I love sewing so much. (See? Fabric.) Part of me has thought about moving to the Bay Area, cuz I'm not entirely joking when I tell rabidpotato I want to live in her garage and play with her dog all day.
Realistically I know grad school would be the best course of action, at least in terms of improving my prospects for the future and keeping me sheltered in school for a couple more years and hopefully the economy will be better when I'm done. If I did get a master's, it would probably be in women's studies which I'm studying now. I wouldn't want to get that anywhere but my current school, because San Diego State was the first school in the country to offer a women's studies degree, and it's an excellent program. But that's exactly the program which I'm so tired of now! Women's studies is basically tons of reading and writing and reading and reading. So ugh. The other option is a professional writing program. My school offers a professional writing "certificate" and I don't know how different that is from a master's degree, or how impressive it would be on a resume. Then there's something called a low-residency MFA creative writing degree. Which basically means, you go to a university campus and two two intense weeks of lessons, and then you go back home and do all your writing on your own, and communicate with your teachers and classmates and get feedback by emailing your stories back and forth. Which does sound rather appealing, until you get to the fact that the only ones I can find are at very expensive private schools. Fantastic. And the MFA program at my school? Three years full time, with lots of reading and analyzing of literature, which (crazy, I know) I don't like doing.
And none of that takes into account the fact that my head might explode if I have to go into grad school immediately after graduating, or even a semester after. Cuz if one summer wasn't enough to fix my senioritis, I don't think a summer plus a semester between graduating and grad school would do it.
And then, just to top it all off, I haven't written AT ALL in three months, and haven't written anything really serious or challenging in a lot longer. And I don't know how much of it is guilt for that and how much is withdrawl or wanting to get back to it or feeling like I can't get started again or what, but it just makes the whole situation that much worse. Cuz I love writing. And I miss it. And if I stopped loving it or doing it permanently, well... that would just make me sad. :-(
Oy. Just oy. **bangs head on keyboard**